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35 Things about Dustin Rowles and Pajiba that NO ONE DENIES

By The Pajiba Staff | Miscellaneous | July 2, 2014 | Comments ()

By The Pajiba Staff | Miscellaneous | July 2, 2014 |


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Pajiba recently celebrated its 10th anniversary. The 10th anniversary is traditionally celebrated with tin and/or aluminum-based gifts, but we’re simple writers. We’re not made of that all-important tin and/or aluminum-based gift buying money. So, when it comes to celebrating the overlordiest of our overlords, we had little choice but to gift him with our own natural and manmade substances. … That came out wrong. I meant our words, people, our WORDS.

Dustin Philomena Rowles (his born, given name, look it up probably), thank you for entrusting us, this ragtag group of nonsense people, with your site, your name and your Twitter password. Thank you for letting us be ourselves and write the way we want to. Thank you for the years of honesty—both the transparent man-behind-the-curtain kind, and the heartfelt, letting us into your home and family kind. Thank you for being the kind of friend none of us are totally sure we deserve, but are so grateful to have. Thank you for 10 years. And thank you for letting me personally ruin your site with Kardashians.

So, as a way to say thank you properly, courtesy of the Pajiba staff, here are the 35 mindhole-blowing things about Dustin Rowles and Pajiba THAT NO ONE DENIES. - Courtney Enlow

— Dustin looks exactly like Vincent D’Onofrio and also solves major crimes in NYC on his downtime. Here he is. Solving crimes.

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— The sudden 2012 influx of Pajibabies was no accident. It was foretold by the Old Ones and deigned by Dustin from on high. The Young Ones will rejoice in spilled blood and the baying of dogs as they take over this world as we know it, but first they must nap and potty.

— Dustin is a super generous guy. He will sneak and pay the bar tab, but he still hasn’t given me that pony named Sir Clompington Von Clipclop. He told me he’s waiting on the pony store to have a sale.

— Pajiba is a great place for writers to spread their wings and find their own voice. It’s also one of the best baby fighting rings I’ve ever had the privilege of witnessing. If you ever wonder how someone got stuck with or was gifted with a certain review, it is because of cage-style baby fighting … TO THE NAP.

— Dustin’s rendition of “Call Me Maybe” is second only to his rendition of “Blurred Lines.” Both involve wondrous feats of choreography and flawless Dad Moves.

— Dustin will hand-make you the best (and first) lobster rolls you’ve ever had, even when you show up at his house five hours late because you got lost in New Hampshire.

— Pajiba was originally an artificial intelligence experiment that theorized that rage was the key to jumpstarting an AI. Pirates of the Caribbean 2 was the singularity. Homeland Security took our servers when they hacked into NORAD and tried to launch a nuclear first strike against the homes of Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer.

— Dustin’s law degree is from Colombia, not Columbia. Most of the rest of Jeff Winger’s character is also based on Dustin’s life, including the nude billiards.

— There are no spambots in the comments. Dustin writes all of those himself.

— A certain Pajiba writer once called the MPAA “twatwaffles” in a headline, and then received an email back from the MPAA’s head council quoting the headline in the subject.

— Dustin has a trampstamp of Ryan Reynolds’ abs.

— Dustin was one of the founding members of ‘N Sync but was replaced minutes before their first concert by Justin Timberlake.

— Pajiba’s servers were hosted in a facility built on an ancient Native American burial ground. The ground swallowed the facility three years ago, but the servers still appear to be active, a lone ethernet cable disappearing into the eerie muck.

— Robert Carlyle went on record as loving the fact that Pajiba rhymes with vagina.

— Here’s the true story of the name “Pajiba”: Dustin organized a Skid Row tribute band in the early aughts. He also scotch-taped his photo over Sebastian Bach’s face in a poster of the band, which he lovingly renamed “Pajiba” in his own imagination. Want proof?

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— Dustin’s voice is what you really hear when Iggy Azalea opens her mouth. They’re totally in on a Milli Vanilli conspiracy together. He sits in the studio with his lovely, spinny braids and records the music, and he and Iggy split the profits. It might not seem fair, but he doesn’t really have the legs for her skirts.

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— Dustin’s family has set a record for number of diapers used in a single year. As a reward for his customer loyalty, Huggies will dedicate a special edition of diaper boxes known as “Rowleses.”

— Dustin won’t tell anyone what his twins girls’ names are. We all know that he named his son “Axl Rowles.” So, it comes as no surprise that the twins’ names keep with the G’n’R theme: Slash and Duff it is.

— Dustin Rowles loves his children SO MUCH he will get them all direwolves, when they’re 10 years old. You’re all welcome, mini Rowles.

— Dustin does live in Portland, but Oregon, not Maine. It was a lie the entire time.

— Dustin is Pookie *and* BSlim.

— Dustin has 3,742 baseball caps. He keeps them in a custom-built, air-cooled, humidity-, odor- and light-controlled closet he had built with the loan money he claims he borrowed to keep Pajiba afloat.

— During the closet construction, Dustin provided goodies he baked himself to the contractors, architect, plumber, and even his two closest neighbors (to make up for the noise).

— Dustin secretly hopes one of his twin girls will marry TK’s son, but he doesn’t know Courtney’s daughter already proposed.

— Everyone knows how much Dustin loves Elvis Costello; remember the story of he and Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate meeting the musician while on their Italian honeymoon? Like me, you must have wondered what it was Dustin said to Costello that was so humiliating he couldn’t bear to repeat it — turns out he spilled to TK after an all-night SXSW bender. And as everyone knows, TK can’t keep anything to himself. So, what did Dustin say to his music idol? “Elvis … Man, I’ve loved you ever since I heard It’s Different for Girls. Changed my life.”

— The True Detective finale would have been 20 percent more satisfying if Pizzolatto had hired Dustin to write it.

— If you need a good wine recommendation, there is no better reviewer than Dustin on The Station Agents every week. Especially if you’re in the mood for something “red,” “cheap,” or maybe even “not as cheap.”

— Dustin and Cuba Gooding Jr. have never been seen together. Think about it.

— Dustin says his favorite movie is Almost Famous but his actual favorite movie is Speed 2.

— When Dustin gets drunk, his Southern accent comes out. So do his hands. So gropey.

— One time Dustin punched me in the face. It was awesome.

— Just kidding. We all know Dustin is way more of a Gretchen Wieners than a Regina George.

— Dustin has a Dune reboot script in his laptop somewhere and he’s not afraid to use it.

— Did we mention enough that it’s pronounced pah-JI-bah? Because it actually isn’t. It’s pronounced We ran Alison Brie and Fassbender into the ground harder than Daniel Plainview’s oil rig. We just call it pah-JI-bah for short.

— Dustin is the best boss any of us will ever have and he’s nicer to us than we really earn or deserve. And we adore the lug.


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