Pajiba

Nothing will ever Red October.

top?

AHA's comment is worth a shot for anyone playing along at home.

I'm not going to even tentatively state my excitement about the news in this round-up because every time I do ge excited about something they invariably fuck it up.

So this is me. Dancing around on the inside.

Why recompress "Dune"? We already got the short version and the long version. What, you can animate the worm better now? That's reason enough when you can't better Lynch's cast? I can kill with a word, you hear me??!?!

"Red October" is one of the most relaxing movies I know. I think because they're hardly outside, and when they are it's overcast. It's like one of those days where you have to turn on a light and there's no stressful sense of time passing. And for a thriller most of the people are pretty calm most of the time. Gotta keep your cool on those boats! Ahhhh. John McTiernan's baritone commentary isn't bad either. I haven't read Scott Pilgrim yet, but the library just bought them all for some reason. Problem solved! Just gotta get through my damn backlog of monthlies.

It's funny you said that about Red October, Daniel. I was just watching it again a couple weeks ago on TV and remarked to my wife that it is still one of the best military thrillers ever made. Here's hoping we get a high def release of it soon because the dvd is muddy as hell. It's near impossible to see any of the underwater action. Possibly because the underwater scenes were filmed on a soundstage with blue smoke instead of water.

Well, if we're playing for shots, shouldn't "Tim Clancy" (in same paragraph) be "Tom Clancy"?

I ain't gonna lie... reading that bit on Precious Little Life has made me visibly aroused. I'm just sayin'.

Also, Dakota Fanning creeps me the fuck out. Am I alone on this?

[/pedantry]

AHA's comment is worth a shot for anyone playing along at home.

I thought comments under three words were worth a chin? The quote counts?

Does someone have a fantasy Jack Ryan? No one came to mind for me. Daniel Craig perhaps has the right vibe but I like my men slightly prettier.

"Does someone have a fantasy Jack Ryan? "

George Clooney works, but that's because I'll watch Clooney in just about anything. Ryan's essentially a bureaucrat with a nose for trouble, isn't he? So he's not supposed to be some super-fit tough guy. I'd also consider... and this one's a little weird... but James Caviezel sort of works too.

Ryan is my favorite. His blog was seen at "We a l t h yR o m a n c e.c o m" last week. Is he single now?

Hear that, gals? Jack Ryan is single and lonely!! Quick, sign up before "babe" gets him!

Eat a bag of dicks, spambot.

Ok, because I have little tolerance for the ubiquitousness of Fanning, I ignored all the jabber about this movie, but then I watched the trailer.

What the fuck is this movie about? I feel like I just had a seizure.

I don't really care about the controversy with the Hounddog movie. It looks like shite. Straight up contrived shite looking to make an impact on people without putting in the actual effort and quality to make it happen.
So, Pathology is Flatliners ego meets Skinamax sensibilities and somewhat Lifetime movie cast all rolled into one underwhelming mess then?

Wow TK. I actually saw babe surrounded by a back of dicks. It was seen at "Spammerbabekneedeepinpenis.com" last night. Judging from those pictures...she's not available. She has like 19 boyfriends cuz they were all standing around her in a circle. And she looked REALLY happy.
And she's a pirate or something too cuz one of her eyes was close and there was this hard white shell over top of it.
And I think she owns a horse.
And there was a dwarf there in thigh-highs riding around on a stuffed emperor penguin.

I need to party with babe.

Do the porn people even think guys use the term 'babe' anymore? Like... 'Whoa...look at tht babe!' I mean sure, if we're poking fun at Keanu Reeves, or Spicoli, or that dude who was Richard Grieco's highschool friend in If Looks Could Kill.....man that was an awesome movie. They need to remake that.

Who needs a goody goody Jack Ryan when you've got Jason Bourne to clean up your mess?

Hey, why can't they be in a movie together? Would they be enemies?

Who needs a goody goody Jack Ryan when you've got Jason Bourne to clean up your mess?

Hey, why can't they be in a movie together? Would they be enemies?

Oh damn, how cool would that be?

Nothing will ever Red October.

Don't every say that. We all will Red October some day. To dream of a day that we will Red October is the reason why we go on, without fear of death or decay. The idea that we will all Red October is paramount to living. Without a dream of Red Octobering, what do we have to look forward to?

In some small towns the first time someone Red Octobers it is an occasion for celebration. Parties are thrown. Dresses are worn. Secrets are told behind curtains in drawing rooms. Looks exchanged. Parents laugh and smile but are a little sad inside. Their child has just Red Octobered for the first time. And they'll never Red October the same way again.

Sure, I've Red Octobered many times in years since that first time. But I still remember how I used to Red October with my girlfriend when I was a young lad. We'd tell each other stories of how our lives would be. In our minds we'd be Red Octobering in foreign lands with glamorous friends that we hadn't met yet. And now, as my youth fades, my looks crumble, and my life has succumbed to routine and ritual, I try to remember a day when Red Octobering was the only thing in the world that was important to me.

I sometimes don't have time for myself. I forget what I used to dream of. But I still dream of a day when I can Red October again.

Brilliant Withnail. Well played.

I think Red October was the best of the Ryan films for reasons deeper than the issues with the miscasting of Ford and Affleck. I was nine years old when I first read The Hunt for Red October (yeah, my parents let me read whatever the hell I wanted, because if I wasn't reading something I'd get bored and destructive) and I really liked it, but the books themselves started to seriously slide in quality as the series progressed. I still read them through Debt of Honor (which will always look misspelled to me) but I couldn't even finish Executive Orders.

I used to think it was a combination of the world moving beyond cold war politics while Clancy was still entrenched in them and Ryan becoming really annoying as the books went on, but then I met Clancy himself when I was managing a bookstore and he was an insufferable asshole. I re-read the books again after that, and I really think it's not just the movies that nosedived into a pool of suck. The source material itself became really formulaic and the lack of effort got pretty obvious. Which is a shame, really, because Red October and The Cardinal of the Kremlin were excellent, and Patriot Games was pretty good, too.

Whatever, this is pretty longwinded and pointless, but I guess I'm trying to say that I'm cautiously optimistic at best about these new films. I think I need caffeine.

First off let me say, that Sum of All Fears was a fantastic book and I love Affleck, but it was a poor match and way off timeline.

As an avid Clancy reader I really do not think you can do a movie on a younger Ryan. Remember that Patriot Games was supposed to be the first in the series, it is how Ryan winds up working for the CIA in the first place. The average "Red Rabbit," about saving the Pope, is supposed to be a Ryan book before Patriot Games. I think the best way to go would be with the last Ryan series book, Teeth of the Tiger, that has the son getting involved in the dad's line of work. The lead character could be any number of good mid 20s aged actors and you could have Baldwin reprise the role of Jack Ryan Sr. It is a pretty decent story and would work as a stand alone movie.

As for a perfect Ryan right now I am not sure...just a good late 30s actor like Baldwin was at the start (maybe the head coach in Friday Night Lights TV version?). I think if he would have carried the character out, Baldwin would have had a winner and the movies would have been better.

Hmm I think you might be right AHA, make that a shot and a chin for a comment under three words (the shot was for correcting the reviewer in one of the first five posts)

Withnail, there are no words. Marvellous!

Forget caffeine Sarina, do what I did and have a glass of wine - it's making my day run much more smoothly... if a little more typofully.

Withnail ftw.

TK, Dakota Fanning creeps me out as well, she looks like she'd eat your soul and then have a celebratory tea party.

And speaking of shitty trailers, I saw the one for the new Lost Boys movie last night. Bad. Very very bad.

That was excellent, Withnail. Very well done.

I don't understand the appeal of Dakota Fanning. I mean, yeah, she's a decent actress for her age, I guess...but why are so many people all up her butt about how great she is? And yeah, she does look weird. And I don't think that's age-related, I think that's genetics...hellchild will still look creepy when she's 18.

She'll probably grow up to play the creepy girl ghosts in asian horror remakes. Won't even need any makeup.

Please tell me you were kidding about a Lost Boys trailer, Julie. I beg you, for the sake of us...lie to me.

Sadly enough I'm not lying...it was on the dvd for I Am Legend. Other than featuring that awesomely creepy song from the original, it was 2 minutes of heartbreak.

"I'm Edgar Frog...surfboard shaper....vampire hunter."

...oh....my...suck. I'll still see it though. It will be hilarious while drunk I'm sure.

Heh, I did laugh at that line. I complain now, but I'll totally rent it. That's a movie that is begging for a viewing while sucking down a pitcher of margaritas.

The only way to make Withnail's Red October soliloquy better is to imagine that "Lara's Theme" is playing softly in the background, as it is spoken by a dreamy-eyed old man staring out at the ocean.

I expect to see the text used as a Viagra commercial any day now.

Please tell me you were kidding about a Lost Boys trailer, Julie. I beg you, for the sake of us...lie to me.

No, it is real. However, as I said on Ms. Pink's blog where she posted about it, I can't watch it. Not that the original is just that sacred to me anymore, but I simply have no need to look at surefire garbage. And a new version of "Cry Little Sister"?! Yeesh. Why it's all almost as unnecessary as another Dune movie!

But what do you do with Jack Ryan *now*? I think I'd rather see a retro movie, but I'll see if they come up with something interesting.

It has always bugged me how movie Jones says "there's a boomer coming out of the barn....could be a missile boat out of Polijarny". Look, I appreciate you using the book's lingo, but use it or don't. For those of us who know what he said you just gave us a jarring redundancy!

Peeve!

Thanks for the Reno 911 clip. I love me some "law enforcement cheetah". This show is so underrated...The actors do a great job. My sister in law came in while we were watching this show and could not wrap her head around the fact this show was a parody. She thought it was a real cop show and nothing we could say seemed to sink it in to her skull. Granted she is a complete idiot, but still. Great job when people think its real. Plus its funny as hell.

Whitnail So Red October is the new Smurf?

Yes, sadly I saw that Lost Boys 2 trailer as well. I pity the poor fucker who has to review that.

What?

Why are you looking at me like that?

[nervously backs out of room]

Pleasegawdno...

I never made the connection that it was the same Jack Ryan character in all those movies. I feel silly now.

Sarina, I finished Executive Orders, but it was the last Clancy book I even opened. I'm pretty sure he had two short books there that he compressed into one, probably saying, "I'm Tom Clancy! I can't put out a taut 300-page thriller--I've got to turn this into a bloated mess!" And Jack Ryan was getting stupider with each passing book.

I actually like the movie version of Clear and Present Danger better than Patriot Games (I think it's due to how sappy Anne Archer is in the latter-she's a little better in the sequel), although both movies improved on the books. I mean, in the text version of CPD, Jack Ryan's main contribution seemed to be a whole lot of Xeroxing (although I do agree that the final firefight in the movie is pretty dumb), and PG the inclusion of the Royal Family was just mind-numbing. Actually, so mind-numbing that I abandoned the book. On the other hand, in the movie Jack is piloting a boat across the Chesapeake Bay in a storm and the dark of night, while Actual Naval Officer cowers behind a rock. Even worse, Actual Naval Officer is played by Samuel L. Jackson.

Most importantly, though, I don't think the world needs another Jack Ryan movie. Although I guess I'm kind of surprised that Harrison Ford hasn't said, "Well, I'll do it again if I get to play him using a walker." Maybe Stallone could do it.

Our Godtopus, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy tentacles. Please make TK review Lost Boys: The Tribe, because an angry TK is a funny TK.

Love,
Julie

Good idea...TK should review it...if only to make up for the mess he made in here the other day with his zombies.

Withnail that was perfect. I giggled and I'm not even on my second cup of coffee yet.

I expect to see the text used as a Viagra commercial any day now.

Exactly my thoughts!

Withnail: I just giggled and I'm not even had my second cup of coffee yet this morning. That was gold.

That's supposed to read "I've not even had".... yeah, it's still early for me.

Ryan vs. Bourne: Requiem

Bourne, no contest

I feel you, Jenn. But the Jumping the Shark gag is a little meta, even for that show.
I think they might have 2 more seasons in them, and that's it for Reno 911. But yeah, the show is hilarious. Terry the roller skating prostitute is easily one of the best bits.

I'm not really geeked up about Michael Cera, but I will watch anything by Edgar Wright. I watched Hot Fuzz again last night and fell in love all over again.

Plus, he's pretty cute. I'm just saying.

I saw Hounddog two years ago at SBIFF. It was terrible. Just horrible. And not because of the rape scene, because man was that over publicized and overblown, but in general. A really offensive caricature of the south including YES the black man who speaks in strage ways and is full of wisdom and just loves little white girls so much and will teach them the difference between right and wrong.

"Does someone have a fantasy Jack Ryan?"

Someone may have said this already:

Edward Norton (in anything)

Also see Josh Brolin.

Whitnail So Red October is the new Smurf?

I dare all you forum monkeys to actually make an Interweb meme out of this one.

Why Mr. Berg? Why remake "Dune". I could seriously have given a loose squirt about the original, but now you gotta remake it? Find another film, you douchbags and quit trying to make an original better - there must be a thousand brilliant Sci-Fi books that fans are drooling for someone to make a movie of and you gotta go do your friggin' "re-imagining"... WHY DON'T YOU ALL DO NEW SHIT AND LEAVE THE SHIT THAT'S ALREADY BEEN DONE ALONE?

Can someone kindly send that out to Mr. Berg? Thank you...

Dakota Fanning - yeah that bitch creeps me out. Yeah, I called her a bitch. Y'wanna fight about it? Her sister's her friggin succubus (did I spell that right?), and I'll bet they both live in a dark, dank cellar and eat bugs together...

"Lost Boys" tell you what TK - why don't you just go ahead and write the review now? Does anyone really need to see it to know how bad it's gonna suck goat-ass? Better yet, write a review based on it being friggin' AWESOME and when it actually comes out and ruins lives, we could re-read it and imagine what coulda been...

Uh oh, the Michael Cera/Scott Pilgrim news just
made me squee all over myself. Better go wash
up.

HOUNDDOG has that 'misapplied anachronistic Southern Gothic shit-wit' vibe to it. If I were from the American south, I'd probably start getting pissed. But Canadians have a reputation for being snow-covered maple-soaked, puck-sucking stoners who talk like inbred ducks, so I guess no one is off the hook. Case in Point: the twelve seconds of Julianne Moore's 'accent' in THE SHIPPING NEWS that I made it through. The worst.

But seriously, this Southern Gothic crap has to stop. When I want that, I read some Faulkner. And hey, you know what? Faulkner died in frickin' 1963, so the era is OVER. Get a new idea! Oh, I'm probably just bitter that all the Magical Negroes are off helping Aryans in the sticks.

I have no interest in this PATHOLOGY movie whatsoever, but the fact that anyone could get through a scene in which the line, 'He likes little girls--and in the worst way' is uttered, and not run screaming into the wilderness tells me that this is a cracker cast. Oh wait, they started dating right AFTER she turned eighteen. Funny how it always works out that way.

But seriously, PATHOLOGY looks idiotic. Speaking of which, I'm sure I could menstruate out a better film. All this junk gets green-lit, and KRUSTOPHENIA sits on the shelves.

Jo'Mama'--I have many friends in Newfoundland who were seriously pissed off by The Shipping News, and yes, Ms. Moore's accent was near the top of their list of grievances.

Really, life on the Rock isn't nearly as bleakly tragic--or cloyingly quaint--as the movie would have you believe!

Can we please stop talking about the abominable "Lost Boys" sequel? It's a touchy subject with me, not unlike the fact that Ryan Reynolds is dating ScarJo, and it awakens a strong depression and sadness in my soul. And it makes me feel bitey.

DEAR MR. BERG:

LEAVE DUNE THE EFF ALONE.

BAMA

Seriously, just stop. The Sci-Fi Channel's kitchen sink adaptation was bad enough; why add insult to injury? David Lynch's film holds a special place in my heart. It mirrors the book perfectly in both theme and atmosphere: dense, weird, and unapologetic in its batshit insane mythology. I mean, c'mon it had Sting in all his New Wave hotness, Patrick Stewart, the awesomest Baron Harkonnen ever, and giant talking vaginas! Berg will just focus on shit blowing up and the big ass sand worms. Which I guess is all right for some folks.

But it ain't good enough for the Kwisatz Haderach, that's for sure.

I don't know how to feel about a new Ryan movie. Red October is one of my favorites so I don't think you can top it. Come on Connery as a Lithuanian?!?! Tim Curry as a Commie doctor! All I'm saying is if they go through with it they're gonna have to include another Fred Thompson cameo: "Russians don't take a dump, son, without a plan."

Heeeey, Alyssa Milano is working! Good for her.

isn't she, like, 80 years old?

Thank you for that Withnail, awesome.

Hmph. I read every single one of my father-in-law's damn Clancy books and found them to be pretty good on the actioning-right-along parts, but I literally yelled my head off over his characterization of women. Wife, whore, daughter, drone. Sigh. Am I alone in this, somehow taking on a mild feminist rant outta nowhere? Just wondering.

So...am I the only one who liked both Patriot Games and Clear and Present Danger more than Red October? They're just way more fun, as awesome as 'Russian' Sean Connery is. I even tried to read Red October but found I couldn't get emotionally invested in the submarine enough to continue (Seriously, I don't care about the 600 military terms you know, Clancy, just tell me the damn plot). Plus: Harrison Ford > Alec Baldwin. It's basic actor math. Like Christian Bale > Everyone. Ooh...Bale as Ryan...found my fantasy Ryan!
Though Bourne would totally kick any of the Ryans' asses. Easily, and in under three seconds. Ten if you pitted him against all three of them at once.

Is it juts me or does Pathology looks like an lazy rip-off of th german thriller Anatomy?

I literally yelled my head off over his characterization of women. Wife, whore, daughter, drone. Sigh.

They're fantasy books for men of a certain age. My dad reads 'em. I picked one of his Clancies up one day while visiting (I can't even remember which one it was).

Women have their Harlequin romances (ugh); men have stuff like Tom Clancy and Clive Cussler et al (ugh again).

I watched that "Hounddog" trailer, and the only thing that stayed with me was that black choir's rendition of "Peace in the Valley." The rest of the clip was forgettable. And yeah, both Fanning sisters creep me out. I am so glad they are out of "My Sister's Keeper."

I couldn't make it through the 'Hounddog' trailer. Is there anything more insufferable than a bad movie trying earnestly to be good?

Kudos, Withnail.