Liveblogging the 2014 Academy Awards
10:56 - Oscar science prevails: 12 Years a Slave takes it, Brad Pitt and his Macklemore hair will accept and I go to bed. GOODNIGHT PEOPLE! Thank you for playing and I’m hungry for pizza.
10:54 - McConaughey must always pay tribute to Wooderson. If he doesn’t, the ghost of Wooderson kills one of the villagers’ first-born sons. It’s fucked up, but he has to.
10:51 - The McConissance has been televised. Think he felt awkward running into Kate Hudson? “Oh, no, it’s cool. I’m real fucking happy for you. I just already had an Oscar already. Fucking whatever.”
10:50 - I want a tie. I want them to call Chiwetel McConaughjifor.
10:49 - I love Nebraska but every time they play the score, all I want to do is watch Sweet Land, my most favorite movie and where parts of the score originated.
10:48- I want Jennifer Lawrence to fall every time she walks now, do a somersault and jump up, Wonka-style.
10:44 - Are there others who intensely dislike latter-day Woody Allen films as I do who can give me their thoughts on Blue Jasmine? Even aside from the rapist of it all, I just don’t like his movies past circa ‘87. To people like me, I ask, did you like that movie? I can’t have another Midnight in Paris on my hands.
10:43 - I wish Philomena had really blown up this year. A real Philomania, you know?
10:35 - Do we still have Best Actor and Best Actress AND Best Picture? I know it always runs long, but is it extra long this year?
10:33 - I didn’t catch this because of the Bedtime Drama, but apparently John Ridley ignored Steve McQueen on the way to the stage AND didn’t think him.
THANK YOU, JORN TROMOLTO!— Adela Dazeem (@AdelaDazeem) March 3, 2014
10:28 - Oh damn yeah, Spike Jones. Morphing ever slowly into a hot Woody Harrelson.
10:19 - It’s possible this is how I’m finishing this up. Person on my lap, sitting on a tiny ottoman.
10:17 - They are so cute I love them.
10:17 - YEAH BOBBY! EGOT!
10:15 - Um, I might disappear for a quick second. #BedtimeEmergency
10:11 - “I’M AT THE OSCARS BECAUSE I CLEARLY DESERVE TO BE FROM TALENT AND BODY OF WORK.” - Jessica Biel
10:10 - Just…just look at it.
10:08 - A) TRAVOLTA HAIR. B) What the fuck did he just call Idina? Did he call her Del Bezzy? That’s what I heard.
9:58 - Guys. I know this song is cheese. I know the movie is cheese. I know this performance is not great. But…it was my grandma’s favorite and this is who I am. Deal with my truthiness.
9:57 - NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. I’M GOING TO CRY NOW. NOPE.
9:55 - UGH, LIKE EILEEN BRENNAN.
9:53 - Sigh. Time to play “I FORGOT S/HE DIED!”
9:47 - Any opportunity to play the Bill Pullman Independence Day speech is worthy and warranted.
9:45 - The internet seems to want to discuss Travolta’s hair. GUYS. Already did it.
9:41 - ELLEN AS GLINDA. Lorna loves it too!
9:35 - I always forget just how talented Pink is. Girl has pipes. She should, you know, do better songs.
9:33 - OH SHIT, YOU GUYS, LORNA IS HERE. Lorna, you look fabulous. You bowl me over.
9:30 - Can we have a serious real-talk moment here? Does anyone else think David O. Russell just isn’t that great a director? There is something so off in all of his movies and it has something to do with camera angles and zooms and shots and no matter how much I enjoy elements, something is just…wrong…about all his films.
9:29 - That is a great color on Gabourey Sidibe.
9:27 - Sniffle. Very nice Ramis shout out from Murray.
9:25 - This might be the most put-together I’ve seen Bill Murray in years.
9:23 - All Oscars should have pizza breaks. Pizza breaks and dance breaks.
9:19 - Twitter is still super broke to the max.
9:17 - I could not love her more. She is perfect.
9:14 - YAY LUPITA! I’m so happy she won so that I can post this bullshit and not be mad about it. (from Celebrity Gossip Academic Style)
Love Jennifer Lawrence and all, but… What.
9:13 - Oh June Squibb—best Oscar clip ever.
9:11 - How I wish Christoph Waltz had been in that selfie. He would have taken it from awesome and adorable to awesdorabletasticness.
9:10 - I’m so glad Gravity is getting all manner of love. When something comes out months before Oscar season, I get nervous for it.
9:09 - Oh shit, Ellen broke Twitter.
9:03 - PHOTOBOMBING CUMBERBATCH!
9:01 - BRB retweeting this photo forever.
8:57 - OK, the arms are one thing, but the crawling on stage and staring at the front row? No. Stop it. No. Why must you besmirch the importance of your subject with your inherent Bononess?
8:56 - And then Bono’s all arms, arms, arms and my eyes just roll without intent.
8:54 - Full disclozhe, this is the first U2 song I’ve liked since “Electrical Storm.”
8:53 - That really made it look like George Clooney is onscreen A LOT.
8:51 - OK, have you guys ever watched Tyler Perry’s The Haves and Have-Nots on Oprah’s OWN network? YOU GUYS. That show is bananapants. It’s like the most dramatic bananapants parts of his movies, the ones they don’t show in TV spots or trailers so they just blow your mind when they run on Lifetime, BUT NONE OF THE LEVITY.
8:48 - I got so excited when I heard Ewan MacGregor’s name and then I looked up and was like um nevermind I guess. But Viola looks stunning.
8:46 - I should probably discuss what we’re wearing on the red carpet over here. Here we have my date for the evening, Annie Hall, who is wearing fur. She’s so subversive. Such a risk taker. But she’s deeply bored by the event because she hasn’t won shit.
8:43 - Holy crap that was Angie’s son Maddox and he’s like a PERSON not just a tiny child and I’m filled with age.
8:42 - Angie Lanz’s real speech was “You can’t imagine how honored and proud I am that that goddamn Murder She Wrote reboot bullshit fell through, RIGHT?”
8:40 - Spacey always dresses so well and fancy. I also spent the whole day finishing up House of Cards and am scared of him.
8:39 - I need more non-Christmas Darlene Love on my iPod. In the meantime, THE SNOW’S COMIN’ DOW-OWN!
8:38 - Oh my god, so many of these speeches are so “surprise, this person died” and it makes me so sad. Thank god Darlene Love is here.
8:35 - JOHN STAMOS IS IN THE HOUSE. JOHN STAMOS HAS BEEN SPOTTED.
8:34 - Is that a VELVET CROCODILE SKIN JACKET? Perflawlessction.
8:30 - What’s the statute of limitations for Oscar credibility? Kate Hudson’s must have run out by now, right?
8:26 - Spike Jonze just gets Hugh Laurier and Hugh Laurier. I’d Malkovich Malkovich his Malkovich.
8:24 - If you can’t read your Oscar lines, how do you read movie lines? And why would Zac Efron make the most sense to present Karen O? How does Karen O keep her bangs so on point all the time? I have so many questions.
8:21 - If Gravity doesn’t win all the technicals, then I don’t understand film. I mean, I don’t really understand film. I was only a film major for a semester.
8:16 - Sally Field looks outstanding. Here’s to you, Boniva!
8:15 - Oh, Bobby Lopez, you are one step closer to EGOT. If Frozen doesn’t win best song, he is at least maritally EGOT.
8:14 - In the words of Coupling’s Jane Christie, I’ve always wanted to be French, but I never had the opportunities.
8:11 - Yes, a cutaway to John Travolta was really the only appropriate thing to do.
8:11 - Oh…my…god…Kim Novak.
8:08 - I feel like somewhere Sharon Cherski is all, “but, like, I’m the one who wins things. It’s, like, my purpose.”
8:05 - Oh Potato.
8:04 - Guys, Wolf of Wall Street was so good and will win nothing but I loved it so.
8:02 - “You know, just one time, I want to walk out to the score from U571.” - Harrison Ford’s inner monologue
8:00 - What I love about the hair and makeup categories is you have Dallas Buyers’ Club against The Lone Ranger and Bad Grandpa.
7:58 - Can we take a quick minute for The Great Gatsby? It was half a good movie. The other half was a parody of a Baz Luhrmann fever dream.
7:57 - Ooh, I like the design for the costume award title cards.
7:52 - HAPPY’NING. Nailed it.
7:52 - Oh my god, Lupita, Meryl and Amy Adams dance breaks? I love everything that is happening.
7:51 - HAT ON SCREEN BEHIND HAT!
7:51 - HAT.
7:50 - “Anyone else think that was a little light on Finding Nemo?” ELLEN GETS IT. That montage was sponsored by Dreamworks and farts.
7:49 - This animated film montage has definitely had way more Kung Fu Panda than anything else.
7:48 - This has been “Courtney Reviews 15-Year-Old Movies.”
7:46 - I know Jim Carrey is still bitter about not being nominated for Man on the Moon but am I alone in thinking he wasn’t that great in it? It was like a really awkward impression that felt like an impression rather than a character.
7:45 - Are they not doing the speech music? GOOD. I hate speech music.
7:43 - A beautiful speech about a beautiful mom with the hair, you guys, the hair, I love it and I want to wear it on my head like a second hat made of hair.
7:41 - I am super stoked for Leto, he totally deserves it, but I need to really focus on the gorgeous Emmylou Harris realness his mom is bringing. They are tied for most beautiful hair.
7:40 - It took me until “Rayon” to understand what she was doing. I thought she was shouting out all her boys back in the ’40s Bronx.
7:39 - “And now let’s welcome our first white presenter, Anne Hathaway.”
7:38 - Not only is Travolta there, but he’s sitting near Lupita. Lupita is playing the other best game of the night: Don’t Stare at Travolta’s Hair.
7:37 - The entire backdrop looks like those gummy bears in Willy Wonka only Oscar statues. I would eat them all.
7:36 - AWWWWWWWWWWWWW Jennifer brought Nicholas Hoult. AWWWWWWWWWWW.
7:35 - JOHN TRAVOLTA’S HAIR. WE HAVE SIGHTED JOHN TRAVOLTA’S HAIR. OH DEAR GOD.
7:34 - It’s a fine line to make fun of people and be likable about it. Ellen does it with aplomb.
7:31 - Ellen looks like a fancy pirate magician and I love it.
7:30 - The show is starting and we immediately pan to Bradley Cooper’s creepy child bride. She looks precious. Like the daughter we all dream to one day bring to such an event.
7:25 - Gabby Sidibe is sitting really close to Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I’d be trying to smell him. PSST. GABBY. SMELL HIM.
7:23 - Blonde Lady’s dress is bonkers. It’s like if the formal sweatshirt I got at the Loft became self-aware and began multiplying in an embellishment explosion.
7:22 - If you weren’t following along with the E! Red Carpet earlier, you missed my favorite thing that’s ever happened: Ryan Seacrest mistakenly thinking it was Bette Middler’s first time ever attending the Oscars, then showing her a picture of her at the Oscars.
7:19 - Tonight, I’ve been drinking and dining only the finest—a bottle of Sequin I got on clearance at Target and an entire box of Peanut Butter Patties Girl Scout cookies. Champagne wishes and caviar dreams, mofos.
7:18 - Everyone who gets stuck interviewing the Academy people and producers should win their own acting Oscars.
7:17 - Jess Cagle came in costume as Martin Scorsese.
7:06 - All red carpet journalists are playing everyone’s favorite game: Don’t Stare at Barkhad Abdi’s Tooth.
7:04 - Speaking of red carpet, Julia Roberts’s dress is hideous garbage. Peplum and a lace dickey. Not the look. More like August: NO-sage County? Guys?
7:03 - So I am presently on the ABC red carpet. I was on E. The channel. I was not on the drugs because I think they call that Molly now. Do you capitalize Molly? Or is it molly? These are the red carpet questions you tune in for.
7:02 - So who do you guys think will win tonight? I’m not sure, but I think I might have a pretty solid chance. I even prepped my surprise face!
7:01 - Would it be the worst thing or the best thing if I just liveblogged the whole Oscars like it was The Room? Don’t worry about it.
7:01 - And Lisa looks great in her red dress.
7:00 - OH HI EVERYBODY. Let’s talk red carpet looks, but only women because there’s only so much that can be done with men in tuxes that hasn’t already been done by Tommy, Denny and Mark.