Liveblogging the 2013 VMAs

By Courtney Enlow | Liveblogs | August 25, 2013 | Comments ()


42 Nsync wallpaper.jpg

10:23 - Just kidding. YOU ARE PEASANTS COMPARED TO GAGA SHE IS STUNNING PERFECTION YOU CRUMBLE IN HER WAKE SHE IS A SWAN MADE OF DREAMHOPES.

10:22 - Well this has been silly. Thanks for joining me, everyone. YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL. Like LADY GAGA.

10:20 - I like that she’s not even trying to hide how hard she’s Ashlee Simpsoning though.

10:19 - Katy Perry presents, Cliches: The Song!

10:19 - Not enough people wear formal performance French braids, guys.

10:18 - …So, Marnie is the final presenter of the night. *nods* Sure, sure.

10:16 - Everyone’s wondering where Jessica Biel is. I mean…really, she can take a night off from whatever eighth billed role she’s doing right now.

10:15 - Also, I assumed Will Smith would be presenting Best Video. So…if not…why is he there?

10:15 - You know what I love about JGL? The fact that he is a real life insane fancy person. He’s what Franco wishes he could be.

10:12 - I don’t like that people tried to create a whole war between “Roar” and “Applause” just because they’re by two female pop artists, released sort of close together. That’s silly. Also, you know, GAGA IS THE LIGHT AND THE WAY AND ONLY SHE WILL LEAD US TO EVERLASTING FOREVERTIMES SHE SPARKLES LIKE SUNSHINE I BET SHE SMELLS LIKE VIOLETS.

10:09 - “Roar” is Katy Perry’s biggest hit? …K. It’s…it’s not very good. Is that a problem for anyone else? It’s no “ET.” That song is phenomenal. It’s got a line where Kanye West rhymes the word “astronaut” with “Yeezy get ass a lot.”

10:07- That really is one of the prettier songs about gorillas.

10:03 - This Bruno Mars song is making me do that spank hand motion dance thing people do to sexy slowjams. And I can’t stop. There’s duck lips, too. It’s not pretty over here, guys.

10:02 - Oh GAWD there’s gonna be a new reality show about nurses. I hope the nursing industry is pissed.

09:56 - Bruno Mars is a very talented young man. He has an Andre-from-The-League-level hat collection.

09:55 - You know what the VMAs always does really well? The this part, the nominee montages. Those are always great.

09:54 - Oh, this commercial for Insidious 2: Electric Bugaloo reminds me that You’re Next? The adorable romp of the year! I ADORED IT.

09:50 - In case you find yourself charmed by Taylor Swift at any point tonight, look at this photo of JAM SHE MADE (UGH OF COURSE SHE MAKES JAM GOD TAYLOR YOU’RE THE WORST) and the label she put on it and remember she is still the most infuriating pile of twee.

09:48 - I hope this song ends with an In Memorium. Amanda Bynes’s Vagina, 1986-2013. RIP.

09:47 - Drake has the saddest eyes. They’re Precious Moments eyes.

09:45 - WAIT WHAT? THIS IS MORE EXCITING THAN NSYNC. IS THERE GONNA BE A LEFT EYE HOLOGRAM?

09:44 - I require more Daft Punk cutaways, please.

09:43 - YOU GUYS. That’s the garbage bag not-Bieber boy from the pre-show. When did this happen?

09:43 - What’s up, Adam Lambert? You still a thing? That’s neat.

09:42 - I want to just point out that the One Direction “song of the summer” is called “Best Song Ever” which basically means it’s like a totally unironic serious Tenacious D situation.

09:41 - I’m excited for that Andy Samberg show. Chelsea Peretti!

09:36 - Surprise skinny JHud out of nowhere.

09:33 - Is it racist to be caught off-guard by the color of someone’s skin based on their vocal stylings? I feel like it might be. I’m sorry. I just didn’t think the girl in this song was, you know, Macklemore-colored.

09:32 - I feel like the very serious wonderful message has been severely undercut by the giant man/tiny man presenter pair.

09:31 - I know it’s cruel, but I live for the boos whenever the shitty pop group inevitably wins the fan-voted awards.

09:29 - See, this is why you shouldn’t give people the right to vote.

09:27 - NSYNC is crying backstage right now because of Kevin Hart’s words.

09:26 - The DJ is wearing a gondolier hat.

09:20 - “Those four guys there.” You mean the ones you cast into the depths of the basement where the HVAC units are?

09:19 - I’m glad you feel really good, Justin. You deserve it. NEVER FUCKING FORGET THAT BRITNEY GOT IT FIRST.

09:16 - I just realized how much better the song is if you pretend it’s about Stephen Collins.

09:15 - I really love this song, you guys. Like a lot. Even though it’s about my least favorite “7th Heaven” cast member.

09:13 - Justin just sent them back to steerage to die with Jack, Rose and the Irish people.

09:12 - THAT’S IT?! THAT’S ALL HE LET THEM DO? KELLY AND MICHELLE GOT TO DO MORE THAN THAT AT THE SUPERBOWL!

09:11 - Lance’s sporty dicky is quite the look.

09:11 - On the realz here, JC still looks damn good.

09:10 - THANK YOU JESUS.

09:09 - HE JUST DID A BACKSTREET BOYS MOVE. YOU ALL SAW IT.

09:08 - “It feels like somethin’s heatin’ up; can I leave with you?” - Joey Fatone because his car got repossessed.

09:07 - Gaga is still wearing her Little Mermaid bra. This pleases me greatly.

09:06 - If NSYNC doesn’t come out, at the very least, I hope Jessica Biel does so he can jump on her head again.

09:04 - What if it was all a lie? A cruel horrible lie? *hits inhaler again*

09:03 - “I still run this bitch.” That was a cruel knife in the heart of Chris Kirkpatrick.

09:00 - Anyone else pretty sure JT’s only being given this so that he’d reunite with NSYNC? Because he’s not known for his great videos. I really only remember the one where he threw Britney under the bus and the one where he threw Elisha Cuthbert under the bus.

09:00 - IT’S TIME GUYS. THIS IS WHY WE’RE HERE.

08:59 - This has only been on for an hour. The Miley part seems like a thousand years ago. Probably because that’s when the world changed. That’s when things became different. That’s when Miley became dirty Cynthia.

08:55 - http://www.uproxx.com/music/2013/08/gif-miley-cyrus-grinding-robin-thicke-gif-miley-cyrus-grinding-robin-thicke/

Drink it in.

08:52 - Guys, what if Macklemore cures homophobia? What if he brings world peace? That would be nice. Shavy head for the Nobel Peace Prize!

08:50 - Ed Sheeran is a person whose name I know and I DON’T KNOW WHY. WHY DO I KNOW YOU, MOONFACED GINGER BOY? WHAT IS YOUR STORY?

08:49 - Why, an award for my nemesis? It truly is the most special of evenings.

08:48 - I have heard of all of those songs. I’m gonna call that a win. This Moonman goes to ME.

08:48 - I had a moment where I thought Niall Rodgers was the guy from One Direction and was really confused. He looks different when he’s away from those little white boys.

08:40 - I do enjoy Yeezy’s new nightmare shadow method of performing.

08:38 - I feel the same way about Kanye West as I do about Lady Gaga (FALSE, I FEEL LIKE NOTHING THE WAY I FEEL ABOUT LADY GAGA). The Kanye-ier he gets the more I love him. I wish he was performing this whole song in caps lock.

08:36 - Dammit Jared Leto, you are too old for those pants.

08:30 - I’m still processing the Miley performance. It’s our Zapruder film, guys. Twerk back and to the left, back and to the left.

08:27 - Kanye’s up next? If North West doesn’t appear as baby Jesus I will be very disappointed.

08:25 - MACKLEMORE AND RYAN LEWIS ARE PEOPLE I HAVE HEARD OF.

08:24 - Who’s that person who isn’t Lil Kim? And also WHAT HAPPENED TO LIL KIM.

08:22 - Is Miley still there? It’s like a Where’s Waldo of humping things and I know she must be there humping something. Look around your living room. SHE COULD BE HUMPING YOU RIGHT NOW.

08:20 - Miley is having the best goddamn time right now, you guys. She looks like a skinny, insane Ace Ventura monster and she’s so excited.

08:18 - Processors malfunctioning. Must just let it all wash over me. Twerking. Pink pedobears. Gwen Stefani pigtail things. Unamused Rihanna.

08:17 - SO MUCH IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. I need to process it.

08:15 - OH VANESSA BAYER. You’re a delight.

08:10 - Oh gumdrops, they’re on a third cycle of “Teen Mom” guys.

08:08 - Huh. How about that. *shrug*

08:07 - Oh, before we get too far into the show, is anyone else on board with loving new, crazy twerky Miley Cyrus?

08:06 - One Direction is probably the most recent pop culture phenomenon I am aware of. Just so we’re all in the loop on this one so you know why I will completely shut down for the youngins.

08:05 - She is such a fancy mermaid of a creature.

08:04 - Can’t liveblog. Loving Gaga too hard. Hold on.

08:02 - This is some Little Edie Beale meets Mummenschanz realness and I love it.

08:01 - She is also working some Frank N. Furter crazy eyes. GODDAMN I LOVE YOU, GAGA.

08:00 - Before they pan out, I’m just going to assume Gaga is dressed as the Lady Cassandra, which is her inevitable future. I hope.

08:00 - SHUT UP, GUYS, IT’S GAGA O’CLOCK.

07:59 - Swifticles’s dress is nice, but her hair is like she scalped fancy Charlize Theron and is wearing the remains.

07:57 - Sway just told Taylor Swift “you smell awesome.” Which I must admit she probably does.

07:55 - While we’re still pre-show, I have a very serious question for you guys. When you pour a glass of wine, you all lick the droplet that goes down the side of the bottle, right? I mean, assuming you’re not at a fancy party or something.

07:51 - It’s all gonna be okay, because my Lady Gaga is opening the show. And I know this is an unpopular opinion among YOU PEOPLE, but I love her. Not only am I fine with how hard she tries, I hope she starts trying even harder. I hope she cuts her arm off and attaches a shark, I don’t even give a fuck. SHE IS A FLAWLESS EAGLE.

07:50 - Nikki and Sara—people I know. Thank you. You are my anchors.

07:47 - Speaking of wine, what are we enjoying tonight, my people? I’m drinking a nice cabernet, with some cupcakes that I made today.

07:46 - Macklemore. That’s a person I know. I’m okay. I’m okay. *sips wine, wipes brow, dabs tear*

07:45 - WE ARE DYING ALL OF US, WE EDGE CLOSER TO THE GRAVE WITH EVERY 8-YEAR-OLD IN A MINIDRESS.

07:44 - OH GOOD LOOK ANOTHER FETUS I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF.

07:41 - I’m happy that I’m not alone in my complete and total loss on who anyone is. The audience for this show must be completely divided betwixt present teens and people who were teens 10-15 years ago tuning in to see if NSYNC’s still got the flow.

07:38 - Did other people just see that commercial with Katy Perry dressed as the lost member of the circle from The Craft? It’s a good look. That said, I BIND YOU KATY FROM DOING HARM.

07:36 - Selena Gomez looks very pretty. My kid’s on a big Barney kick, so I’ve been seeing tiny Selena Gomez a lot lately, and I watch in full knowledge that, someday, this tiny adorable child playing with the purple dinosaur will grow up to take Justin Bieber to the bonezone.

07:34 - Katy Perry just went full-scale Carson Daly, thugging it up to talk to Sway. Calm down, Katy Perry.

07:33 - Jordan Catalano has grown some luxurious hair. A subtle ombre, ooh, I am Pinteresting that for my next look.

07:30 - Okay, I wasn’t going to do pre-show but I am having a full-on crisis of age and life and I figure I’ll just share it with you. Because everyone is 12, I don’t know what’s happening, there was a Bieber boy person wearing garbage bags and a red fanny pack shirt and a young girl wearing some sparkly nightmare about whom I said “what the quinceanera fuck is this tiny bitch wearing?” on Twitter because I’m destined for hell. Now you’re all caught up.

07:20 - Just an FYIskies, I know there are some of you who wish I’d liveblogged the pre-show. Well, I’ve been busy. HOLD THE FUCK ON, NEEDY.



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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • Nadine

    Why the fuck can I sign in on Firefox and not chrome? This is stupid. Fuck disqus

  • apsutter

    Who in the fuck was watching this live instead of Breaking Bad?! Don't get me wrong, I recorded it but BB always comes first

  • Adrien

    "Miley is having the best goddamn time right now, you guys. She looks like a skinny, insane Ace Ventura monster and she’s so excited."

    More Vera de Milo than Ace Ventura.

  • yocean14

    Did Miley make Two Chains look classy?

  • mairimba

    I hope Colbert gives MTV shit after tonight cause there was no Daft Punk performance.

  • St

    Katy Perry was boring. I was reading other live-blogs when she was performing.

    Gaga was too desperate. Every time I see her lately I just feel like she knows that her super fame is slipping aways and tries too hard to stay on top and be super-duper A+++ star. But she just became boring. She tries to shock as always but just looks boring.

  • apsutter

    She is desperate which is why she was begging her fans to buy multiple copies of her single and to watch her videos for hours at a time to up her Billboard standings.

  • Even Stevens

    You guys it's on again! We get all the Gaga glory a second time!

  • St

    I couldn’t understand it at first. Was like: "Is gaga performing second time?" :)

  • St

    So... Miley did not get any award? Despite that fact that she was BEGGING her fans to vote....

  • mairimba

    Are you effing serious?! MIRRORS?!?

  • apsutter

    That song is a quagmire of narcissism which is perfect for JT

  • Even Stevens

    HELLO, LOVER

  • St

    I was so embarrassed for Miley. I just wanted uncomfortably to turn away until she will finish. So try hard. She is completely unsexy that she can’t even look slutty when she does things like that. She just looks embarrassing.

    Also those poor 4 other NSYNC members. We all thought that they will have some 4 minutes full one song performance or medley. But as Justin was doing all those 30 seconds recaps of his greatest hits I understood that JC, Joey, Chris and Lance will just be allowed to have their 30 seconds beside "great king Justin". And it was like that, It was more like a slap in the face actually. To them. There he was - king of the world, showing them how far he went without them. And what kind of "nobody" with no career they become after he left.

    P.S. Also they should have watch their shape. They were looking like some 50 years old grandpas. And the whole dancing was looking sad. Amazing how Backstreet Boys looks absolutely the same, in great shape. While NSYNC members just let themselves go.

  • jennp421

    It helps that BSB was the better looking band to begin with.

  • apsutter

    If it's even possible, BSB got hotter with the passage of time.

  • mairimba

    I'm so truly disappointed by the lack of rock in this show.

  • Even Stevens

    "This Bruno Mars song is making me do that spank hand motion dance thing people do to sexy slowjams. And I can’t stop."

    THIS.

  • Lauren_Lauren

    Courtney, you are delicious.

  • Ami

    I unabashedly adore Taylor Swift as a person. I saw her a couple of years ago walking down a random side street in Nashville by herself, listening to earphones, smiling, and bobbing her head to the beat.
    Then earlier this year I was given tickets to the Grammy nomination concert hosted by T Swift and LL Cool J. The tickets were in a box which was fairly high up, and from that point we could see the little hidden away spot where they were standing between their on camera segments. She danced like crazy to every song. She was clearly enjoying herself and was very friendly with the fans (ll cool j, sadly seemed totally bored and sour).
    So even though I do not really care for her music. She has totally won me over with her personality.

  • apsutter

    I used to find her annoying and cloying but now I think she's just kind of adorable. I love how the camera always cuts to her because she knows how to give good face. She's always dancing, smiling, singing, having fun, and looks happy to be there which is so much better than the jaded sourpusses that populated the crowd.

  • legib

    Did Bruno Mars just hug Robert Goulet?

  • mairimba

    "09:48 - I hope this song ends with an In Memorium. Amanda Bynes’s Vagina, 1986-2013. RIP."

    I love you, Court!

  • mairimba

    Is the little Smith boy fanboying over Drake? It seemed like he was about to cry.

  • Even Stevens

    Generation Cryo? That's a new low and that's saying a lot for the home of friggin Teen Mom and Jersey Shore.

  • stella

    *looks at feet* I love Lady Gaga too...

  • Jennifer Keyser

    It's nice to see the kid from Degrassi High is getting work

  • legib

    Drake is a feather boa away from a great Glamour Shots pic with that backdrop.

  • Why would you cut to a Daft Punk reaction shot?

  • Even Stevens

    The amount of human-sized animal costumes that have cropped up in the last two hours disturbs me

  • "Is it racist to be caught off-guard by the color of someone’s skin based on their vocal stylings?"

    Oh good, I'm not alone.

  • LaineyBobainey

    Ok, this lady's dress? Melissa McCarthy needs someone to dress her like this for award shows instead of in the crappy shapeless shit her people dress her in!

  • legib

    I...I just can't with these people. Young women are beyond me these day.

  • Right? They're no N*Sync!

  • mairimba

    Chris Kirkpatrick was definitely wearing spanx.

  • Even Stevens

    So we're nearly an hour and a half into this awards show and I feel like not much awarding has happened.

  • Lillimae

    I felt a lot of chill in the fist bump between JT and Lance. And there was no shoulder bump between the two. This makes me sad.

  • mairimba

    Stop sucking his weiner, Fallon.

  • smijca

    How appropriate that I really thought they were about to bust out with some "D*ck in a Box"?

  • smijca

    So out of this 10 minutes JT performance he dedicated about a one minute medley of *NSYNC songs? What a dick. Also, bless Joey Fatone's heart. He tried his best but he was one pop 'n lock move away from passing out. Justin TImberlake, distancing yourself from your group of yore will not convince us that you can or should act! BOO!

  • I think Joey ate Chris's dreadlocks. :(

  • smijca

    I applaud the eating of the dreadlocks because, no. Also, I think we need to stop making fun of Joey because I really do think he broke his back. FOR A ONE MINUTE *NSYNC MEDLEY!

  • IT'S HAPPENING

  • Even Stevens

    I love that Gaga is just sitting in her seat, watching the VMA's in a thong/conch shell bikini. Oh, Gaga.

  • Anna von Beav

    Why is the sound quality on this telecast so very awful?? It would seem to defeat the underlying purpose of the program, no?

  • mairimba

    Señoritas is my favorite JT song!

  • apsutter

    I watched the whole thing thinking that he will 1. Never top Futuresex/Lovesounds and 2. Never make a funner song than Rock Your Body

  • LaineyBobainey

    Git it, JT!

  • mairimba

    JT, the truth is that all your new stuff sucks donkey bolas. Said it.

  • Even Stevens

    Dear Lord do I love his older stuff though. All these songs are giving me serious nostalgia.

  • LaineyBobainey

    SexyBack is still my jam, MAIRIM!

    Yeah, it's a stupid jam, but it's MINE.

  • mairimba

    I like Sexy Back. I mean his latest album.

  • Even Stevens

    I like Suit and Tie but that Mirrors song is horrible

  • I am opposite of this. I loathe Suit and Tie, but Mirrors is like my Jon Secada dream.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Oh, Jon Secada. Where are you now?

  • It's just another day without him.

  • Lillimae

    I am jealous...I can barely stand up straight on an escalator without falling down, let alone dance up one.

  • Even Stevens

    The Miley/Robin Thicke performance is totally worth it for that magical, magical gif and the reaction shot

  • Ruthie O

    The Smith family reacts to Miley's performance:

    https://twitter.com/chi_chibab...

    And it's glorious.

  • Anna von Beav

    This is as amazing as the gif.

  • smijca

    I too do not have cable and am watching through the MTV All Access thing. Gaga just walked right in front of the VIP audience cam with her conch shell bikini and displayed her a$$ cheeks for all the world to see. Though the are toned, fit a$$ cheeks I SO DID NOT NEED TO SEE HER A$$ CHEEKS, Y'ALL. Also, I think she tried to hit on Will Smith. With his children sitting on either side of him. IS THIS PART OF THE ARRANGEMENT, JADA?! SIde note: I do not understand your love for Gaga, Courtney. Thus, like any and every thing I do not understand I shall label you a crazy.

  • Hee, Court, it's Nile Rodgers, not Niall. That should help keep them straight. That, and, uh, you know... Nile's dreads.

  • tmoney

    RON WEASLEY!

  • ... has let himself go a bit.

  • Lillimae

    Swifty has affected the fake English accent!!

  • Even Stevens

    Wait is that all we get of Daft Punk? 10 seconds of silent stage time? THIS is why they couldn't be on Colbert?!

  • Kala

    I'm pretty sure they're going to perform later, but GOODNESS, that would be hilarious.

  • Even Stevens

    Ok good, I will hold back my hulk smash then

    ...for now.

  • mairimba

    I think the goat helped her get that one.

  • Even Stevens

    I was hoping some jokester at MTV would slip that footage in for the preview clip

  • LaineyBobainey

    This is a real thing that is true - my hair looks EXACTLY like Jared Leto's when I don't blowdry it or use the flat iron.

    What I'm saying is, I spend HOURS and use lots of heat and product trying to make my hair not look like that.

  • Anna von Beav

    YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH, BOBAINEY. HE LOOKS LIKE TOTALLY RAD AND DREAMY.

  • jM

    And so it was, on this day, the last Sunday of the month of August in the year of our Lord 2013 that I, jM, officially succumbed to The Old.

    Because seriously, what the fuck.

  • Whoever's censoring the performances tonight must be having a blast.

  • Even Stevens

    The every-other-second bleeping during Kanye's performance was cracking me right up

  • Ruthie O

    I say this with complete sincerity and without a hint of sarcasm: no one uses caps lock like you do, Courtney. No one. And I love your writing for it.

    Carry on.

  • I like to think the way I write here provides some anonymity since in real life I'm an editor that should not be allowed to write the way I write for you good people.

  • intheyear2000

    Okay, I can't be the only person who saw it when Taylor Swift mouthed 'shut the f*ck up'

  • mairimba

    To who? I missed it!

  • Even Stevens

    Wait, who/what was she saying it about? Miley?

  • intheyear2000

    About One Direction

  • Even Stevens

    Ahh yes, that makes sense

  • Rydell V✏

    looking for a live stream site to watch the VMA's i don't own a televison. it was stolen

  • mairimba

    That Ryan Lewis I would hit so hard.

  • Even Stevens

    Get in line, girl

  • Lillimae

    But...but...which one is Macklemore, and which one is Ryan Lewis? And why are there 3 of them? I AM TOO OLD FOR THIS.

  • Ryan Lewis is the cute brunet.

  • Lillimae

    You are all so helpful!

  • Macklemore has the shavy head.

  • mairimba

    Macklemore the blond guy. Ryan Lewis the dark hair one.

  • Lollygagger9

    Macklemore (from what I can tell from the TINY corner of my live stream) is the one in the suit. Ryan Lewis is the other white guy. The third person sang the chorus on Can't Hold Us (I think - again, looking at like a 1 inch square screen) and is Ray Dalton.

  • Even Stevens

    Macklemore is the one wearing the suit holding the moon man. He's wearing a normal suit and I'm shocked, I've never seen him in anything that isn't either peacock blue and/or fuzzy

  • Maguita NYC

    Oh I love that song! And the guys have the best pro-LGBT anthem of this summer.

  • Maguita NYC

    poor Lil' Kim, she can't move her face no more.

  • emmalita

    I'm not sure what you are blinking at, but I fully support you in it.

  • mairimba

    That was one of the worst performances in the history of MTV. Calling it.

  • meadowdancer

    Everyone is calling that it. And no one is slut shaming her at all. She is a bad joke. Her singing and dancing was awful. Hell Old School Madonna was much more in your face and talented than this hot mess.

  • legib

    Holy shit. She was so off key, but she was so damn proud of herself.

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