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Liveblogging Lifetime's Britravesty 'Britney Ever After'

By Courtney Enlow | Liveblogs | February 18, 2017 | Comments ()

By Courtney Enlow | Liveblogs | February 18, 2017 |


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8:41 - OK, I’m sorry, but I’m out. This makes me tired and sad. By attempting to be somewhat realistic it’s made things far more upsetting and exploitative and gross. REGRETS.

I’m donating whatever I make off this post to Treatment Advocacy Center.

LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE.

8:38 - “Why would anyone enjoy someone else’s pain?” I DON’T KNOW, LIFETIME. I feel dirty and gross.

8:30 - “I don’t want anyone touching me” is reportedly what she said when she shaved her head. I’m weirdly equally upset they used it and that the 2007 VMA performance was so offensively shitty.

8:28 - God I feel so awful for her that this happened and that it’s being exploited for fucking Lifetime.

8:26 - OK she never attacked humans with the umbrella. It was a car.

8:24 - She’s now in full purple wig territory and yelling at her mom. OH MY GOD I FORGOT ABOUT THE PHOTOSHOOT THING.

8:17 - At this point I must ask, is this movie respectful. And, like, hell no, of course not. But I think it thinks it is. Britney, Lynn Spears and Larry Rudolph come out saintly. Britney is sad and desperately wants to be loved, which I think has been very true, but its handling of mental illness is at best sloppy and at worst nonexistent, probably because Spears has never publicly stated her diagnosis so the movie doesn’t want to veer too far into lawsuit territory. But mostly everything is a narrative mess that would be amusing if wholly fictional.

8:15 - At no point did Britney Spears ever look like a “Mob Wives” cast member, but that’s what’s happening here.

8:13 - Damn, now they already have both kids.

8:10 - This fake music is like The Room level.

8:08 - So this movie has taken place over 9 years maybe and Jamie Lynn has not aged. She’s still 10.

8:03 - So it’s been 6 minutes and she has met and become engaged to Kevin Federline and shot all of Chaotic and also we learned he has a big dick so it’s possible we know who got a couple bucks off this flick.

7:57 - They’ve done a terrible job showing Britney’s descent into substance abuse. It went from “let’s have a second round of drinks at this club” to “married to the non-Seinfeld Jason Alexander.”

7:55 - I just have a lot of regrets and I feel bad so I’m just going to start posting videos of Britney.

7:50 - “Brit, all the partying you’ve been doing isn’t helping.” - a comment that comes literally out of nowhere in the seconds after the Britney/Madonna kiss.

7:46 - “I don’t want this to push you into one of your funks.” - this movie’s version of addressing existing mental illness I think I guess.

7:40 - I don’t know what I was expecting but this movie isn’t very liveblog-worthy. Like it’s REALLY bad but it’s moving so fast I can’t keep up. Britney and Justin just had a break-upish fight and then a commercial happened and now they’re making out and everything’s great.

7:35 - Britney and Justin were supposed to have a fun sexy time but instead she saw him talking to some “skank” and then she’s sad drunk. ENTER FAKE WADE ROBSON AND HIS BE-SUN-IN-ED COIFFURE.

7:33 - Is this the first and only sex scene to feature a bedazzled cropped jean vest? The answer is YES and THIS SHOULD NOT BE THE CASE.

7:31 - Fake Justin is both the most annoying nonsensical creation in the world and probably also a very accurate depiction.

7:31 - Britney is dancing in her underwear for reasons of…reasons. I guess. I think we’re supposed to know something is wrong but it’s unclear.

7:29 - OK, I’ve figured it out: the reason we are stuck in a terrifying time loop where nothing makes sense is because Brit’s hair and fashion never changes. I realize fashion between 2000 and 2009 may seem like differing levels of hot garbage but they were at least VARIED hot garbage.

7:28 - Fake Wade Robson might actually be real Wade Robson. He’s the only person who actually resembles the real person and it’s the person KNOW ONE CARES ABOUT.

7:25 - Even if you can’t dance, if you’re doing a Brit impression, YOU HIT THOSE POSES. This chick has her knees flexed, she’s slouching, IT IS A MESS. I am very angry about the dancing. You know this because it’s on goddamn commercial AND I AM STILL MAD.

7:23 - So, Fake Britney is not a dancer. They admitted that early on. How is that not THE ONE THING you look for? She doesn’t look like Britney AND she can’t dance? She really is the whole package if the package is anthrax being delivered to a daycare.

7:19 - The Britney Spears 2000 VMAs is one of the best performances ever AND THIS IS HOW THEY DO HER?

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7:16 - Here’s the thing. I have a PhD in Britney. And I genuinely have no concept of the timing here.

7:14 - I think we’re supposed to be shocked that Justin and Britney were banging DAY ONE, when, like, yeah. We know. And WE ALL WOULD.

7:13 - “I have like zero boobies.” Fake Britney looking at a picture of herself as a child. Then she and Fake Justin start buttrub banging to a fake Britney song.

7:11 - Oh my god we’re 11 minutes in and Fake NSYNC just sang Happy Birthday acapella to Britney because it’s the only song this movie could land.

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7:09 - BTW if you’re wondering how they introduced Justin, they introduced him by having him do a fake phone call to flirt with Britney. It’s weird. Just keep imagining the WASSUPPPP commercial.

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7:08 - Papa Jamie is SO SURLY. He’s just yelling nonstop in this Applebees or some such thing while Fake Justin is basically doing the WASSSSSUPPPPPP commercial and Britney bites her nails.

7:07 - OK, Fake Justin doesn’t look like Justin but WOW he sounds exactly like him. Speakingwise. Obviously none of these people can do anything but speak words kind of. But if a Justin Timberlake speaking impression is a thing someone can do, this guy is doing it.

7:01 - First of all, the music is supposed to be off-brand knock-off Britney music because obviously they didn’t get the rights, but this isn’t even early Jessica Simpson. Also, Natasha Bassett is more baby Katherine Heigl than Britney. Double also, her tour bus is full of Mountain Dew and Cheetos which is the only factual thing this far.

6:58 - Tonight I am drinking Bridlewood Cabernet Sauvignon. It retails at $28.95 but is always on sale for $13.99 because I am a classy, classy girl. Like an elegant swamp demon.

6:56 - I did not need to kick things off this early. I really just thought everyone needed to be reminded that The Devil Wears Prada is a good movie.

6:52 - Off the bat, I’d like to tell you that this movie’s lead-in is The Devil Wears Prada which is such the exact polar opposite of a Lifetime unauthorized biopic that I think I might be in the Upside Down.


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