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Liveblogging the Now Oscar-Winning 'Suicide Squad'

By Courtney Enlow | Liveblogging the 90s | February 28, 2017 |


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My beloveds, today is my last day with Pajiba. I went into this in some depth on Twitter, but basically here’s the story: I have anxiety and depression. Contain your shock. Generally, I’m a fully functioning human being. But over the past couple years, it’s been harder and harder to stay that way. There’s one thing I’ve never tried because the very idea of it breaks my heart into dust, and that’s stepping away from writing for a while. A big while.

I have two young kids, one of whom is neuroatypical herself. They—and especially she—need me stable and well. And when I’m racking my brain and heart every day like I’ve been doing, terrified I’m letting the site down in one way or another, terrified I’m letting my readers down, that’s just not possible. So, ironically leaning into the letting people down thing, including myself, I’m walking away. For now. But for a long now.

I cannot tell you how much this site has meant to and means to me. This is my home. You are my home. That Dustin? He’s the purest, goodest person on the planet. He’s been there for me and taken care of me and allowed me to take care of myself in ways no other boss could. Same with TK, and Steven, and Seth and Jodi and Kristy and Emily and Rebecca and Bekka and Sarah and Petr and Genny and Brian and Lainey and all the new people and the old people, especially Joanna who doesn’t even go here but really truly will always even go here. And you. And every one of you.

But I didn’t come here to make you sad. I came here to chew bubblegum and rip on Suicide Squad. And I’m all out of bubblegum because I’m a goddamn adult and who needs the calories.

Let’s. Fucking. Do this.

0:25 - Right off the bat the colors and production design choices are terribly reminiscent of Joel Schumacher Batman movies and no one should want that.

1:10 - Already Ike Barinholtz is in this movie more than Jared Leto.

3:00 - “I sleep where I want, when I want, with who I want.” I cannot confirm that this is a direct reference to feminist icon Stephanie Zinone in Grease 2 BUT YOU KNOW THAT’S WHAT I’M GOING WITH.

3:35 - To say that this movie has the musical subtlety of a Zack Snyder movie might be an understatement but it’s true. Jesus. WE GET IT. We’re three minutes in, soundtrack, CALM DOWN.

4:00 - This movie thinks it’s very slick with playing “Sympathy for the Devil” over Viola Davis who we do not yet know is evil and it’s just so…I want to say sad but I also want to say stupid but Viola Davis is talking so I’m just going to listen now. But stupid. Definitely stupid.

5:37 - Oh good it’s time for the 45 straight minutes of character introduction followed by one single hour of movie.

7:46 - Will Smith’s daughter’s doll is called “Play Doll.” They tried as hard with the props as they did with the soundtrack.

8:36 - A crying child holding a doll talking about missing her daddy is a WHOLE LOT of emotional manipulation in 90 seconds.

9:22 - Sometimes the movie is Schumacher and sometimes it’s trying to be Nolan and mostly it’s the broken baby of Snyder and Tommy Wiseau with a dash of Glitter and also there’s a Beanie Baby cat.

9:50 - This movie moves way too fast and does so for a full hour so it’s too fast and too slow like being flogged in the face with a Koosh ball.

10:53 - I love a good tender love story of a man brutalizing a successful woman and making her severely unwell but also we’re supposed to root for them I think kind of? This movie does this badly because IT IS THIS CREATURE.

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Like, I could GET DOWN with Ledger joker. Or Nicholson joker. Or Hamill joker. Be still my beating pants. But THIS? No. Nope. Not even.

11:54 - You know that thing where an actor completely disappears into a role and it’s so effortless? That’s the opposite of what’s happening here Leto-wise.

13:29 - Who was more dead inside during the production of this movie: Will Smith or Affleck? It’s kind of a solid tie. They’re both fully checked out. Compare that to Viola and Robbie who are BAHHHHHHHHH-RINGING IT.

14:46 - Game 2: whose face is less memorable—Jai Courtney’s or Sam Worthington’s?

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I genuinely don’t know. I also genuinely don’t know what just happened. What are these marks on my arm?

17:10 - Sometimes it’s nice for a movie to take a quick break for some cave diving.

18:13 - LOL a million, remember when they made a big deal about Scott Eastwood being in this movie and no one cared and also he’s basically an extra? Remember when they made a big deal about Scott Eastwood generally and no one cared and he’s basically that picture up there I don’t remember posting and also what the shit is this shit on my arm?

20:52 - This movie just made the SUBTLE *facepunch, dick hit* choice of having a Latina woman make the sign of the cross at the sight of the Enchantress.

23:10 - “Are you the devil?” SUBTLE *throat jab, knee kick*

23:57 - So I’m giving away my fake geek girl status maybe but why would they just have one animal croc person and everyone else human? Also why would they have just one regular human who does good good gun things and everyone else has powers? There’s so many bad villain types who would be way more effective.

27:10 - This soundtrack is a cross between Forrest Gump, Now That’s What I Call Music and everyone’s workout playlist.

28:45 - You know how good Viola Davis is in this movie and every other movie? THAT IS HOW GOOD SHE IS EVERY MOMENT OF HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER YOU UNGRATEFUL SWINE. SHE IS HANDING YOU FREE TV GIFTS EVERY WEEK.

29:46 - It would be so much work to write HA! HA! HA! over and over again on your walls and also to neatly set up all your knives and guns and three onesies.

31:25 - Look at all this Oscar-winning fruitpunch mouth right here.

32:18 - Cara Delevigne is a tortured possessed woman who experiences bouts of witchdom but her manicure IS PERFECT.

33:26 - Sometimes this movie remembers to do the location card thing and mostly it doesn’t. This movie is sometimes True Detective season two and sometimes a Spencers Gifts fartdance.

35:03 - This movie is filled with love stories and relationships we are so only tangentially aware of that it is impossible to care about a single one.

35:53 - Why would a doctor say “No pulse. Starting compressions” to a subway platform full of people who don’t give a fuck? Is he providing commentary for the visually impaired?

36:50 - SOUNDTRACK DICKKICK TO THE GODDAMN FACE SONGS SONGS SONGS SONGS YEEEEAAAHHHHHHHHH

38:43 - Someone had to put together that lovely gift basket just to explode it everywhere all over some doorman. It’s so much work to be a supervillain.

40:43 - None of their terribly fonted subtitles have punctuation and I’m deeply concerned about it. Also concerning: that I think this movie ripped of Ghostbusters.

42:11 - MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC SONGS SONGS TIMING LINES FOR SONGS SONGS WORDS WORDS SONG SONG BAMBOOM

43:00 - It’s a bold move to introduce characters very briefly 40 minutes ago and expect the audience to remember them. Because I already forgot about Jai Courtney and I feel like they absolutely did not actually introduce Guy From SVU until right now.

44:24 - SONGS SONGS EMINEM MUSIC VIDEO SONGS SONGS MUSIC SONGS SHADY NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA HARLEY BRA OOH NA OOH NA

47:09 - “We some kind of…Suicide Squad?” I hate that.

47:28 - Y’all thought we were done introducing people? FALSE. HERE’S KATANA. HERE’S 12 SECONDS OF BACKSTORY THAT TOOK FOUR WEEKS TO SHOOT.

48:11 - MUSIC MUSIC SOUNDTRACK LITERAL FORREST GUMP MUSIC SOUNDTRACK MUSIC STUBBED TOE

50:32 - Among the burning wreckage is a sign advertising “Yvonne’s Croissanterie.” I WANT TO GO TO A CROISSANTERIE. That sounds like my crumbly dream and a haven for bugs and rats so maybe I take back the dream part.

51:40 - SVU Guy had to sit and get those cornrows for like an hour every day and I have no idea what his character’s name or purpose was and now he’s dead. I feel like this movie could have very easily been shorter and gotten some easy budget cuts. BUT NO ONE ASKED ME.

53:09 - Oh look, it’s SCOTT EASTWOOD, GUY WHO THINKS HE’S THE STAR OF THIS PICTURE BECAUSE HIS DAD IS A FAMOUS CHAIRTALKER.

54:19 - These monster things stole their whole look from the Terror from the Year 5000.

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56:23 - I just…I feel like the music and the movie are telling me I should care what’s happening but I don’t and I also don’t know what’s happening and I don’t care about how I don’t know.

58:09 - If you’re not well-versed in these characters already it’s really hard to know who anyone is. Let me try. OK. It’s Harley Quinn, Deadshot, Killer Croc, Tattoofaceman with no lines, Jai Courtney Lumpyfaceunicorncuddles, Katana who I already forgot is in this, and Enchantress. We know her name because every other line is her whispershouting ENCHANTRESSSSSSSSSS. Oh and Guy from SVU who was onscreen for about 12 seconds.

1:01:36 - SOUNDTRACK ELEVATOR MUSIC TIME HARLEY TIME BANG BANG GUN SHOOTS

1:03:26 - I do not know Enchantress’s purpose or anyone’s purpose. I am June Diane Raphael over here all WHAT IS ITS PURPOSE but for the whole movie.

1:04:41 - “If you don’t stand for shit, you ain’t shit.” NOW THEY’RE RIPPING HAMILTON.

1:05:14 - So much internal struggling I think we’re supposed to care about. Or not. I DON’T THINK THE MOVIE CARES EITHER. This movie is entirely woven of actor secrets and none of them are in the script or on the screen.

1:06:11 - Like, I cannot stress how incredibly talented Margot Robbie is that you believe she really loves this Joker who looks like he smells like cheese and Cool Water for Men and melted plastic.

1:07:58 - Their sexy dive into to a paraffin treatment seems so spa-like.

1:09:19 - So what was the point of them pretending there was a person they couldn’t kill but it’s Viola Davis and why did they need to get there and why was this a surprising reveal especially when they’ve been hammering this DEVIL thing from minute one and why did they need to trick them when they already have deathbooms in their necks and will therefore do whatever they want anyway? Guys it’s like this isn’t a very good movie.

1:14:12 - I mean I think we’re supposed to think he’s a good guy for not killing Harley, but, like, if I was never going to see my kid again and this would make me see my kid, I’d definitely at least shoot the Joker.

1:15:20 - Jesus god THAT VOICE. The choices here. The Leto choices.

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1:16:59 - Viola Davis with a machine gun is my patronus.

1:17:58 - BUT WHAT WAS THE PURPOSE OF THIS? OF ANY OF THIS?

1:19:03 - Like, you see how these nameless and purposeless strangers would totally love Harley because we love Harley too. That’s how good Robbie is. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ELSE IS HAPPENING BUT I LOVE HARLEY.

1:20:10 - Query: was I supposed to not like Viola’s character? Because she’s the only tether to the earth I had in this whole movie.

1:22:09 - Was that a montage designed to explain a) what we already assumed happened b) by making it more confusing?

1:23:31 - Blue cocktails are always really gross. I just think it’s important I go out on one last HOT TAKE.

1:25:08 - This movie is filled with more interesting other movies that we don’t actually get to see and also there’s no footage that matters just hinted-at stuff and I DON’T UNDERSTAND.

1:28:21 - Lost in how bad this movie is is how good Kinnaman is. That was a bad sentence for a bad movie but he’s good. *golf claps*

1:28:51 - FYI parted curtain background story: I just read this and I’m crying but I have to finish this dipshit ass movie before I pick up the kid from school. THIS MUST BE WHAT HEROES FEEL LIKE.

1:29:58 - Wow, whoever was filming that ON THEIR SAMSUNG PHONE SPONSORED BY SAMSUNG SAMSUNG WE MAKE PHONES did a fine job.

1:30:41 - LOL again at how that Samsung got more valuable screentime than Scott Eastwood.

1:31:22 - There is so much half-hearted backstory injected into every character and it’s like the Mentos and Coke of exposition. There’s maybe 10 minutes of actual MOVIE and even that could be cut down to a solid four.

1:32:58 - Meanwhile it’s time to cut back to the offbrand RC Cola Ghostbusters again.

1:33:46 - Cara Delevingne’s Enchantress moves like Chris Martin dances.

1:36:16 - She also just did this.

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You know what I have to say to that. ALRIGHT!

1:37:14 - I like how we’re supposed to believe these people are “family” now after, like, 45 minutes? I have no concept of time in this movie. I think this has all taken place over an early evening. If they kill the Enchantress, they could probably catch the second act of The Falsettos.

1:39:48 - I just remembered all the reshoots they did to make this “funnier.” I bet the original version was both so much better while still being far worse. THIS MOVIE IS A CONUNDRUM CONCUSSION.

1:41:06 - I still don’t kind of understand the whole thing. Was it all to destroy the Enchantress? But then why didn’t they just kill her while she was June? What was Viola after here? Guys. Guys I feel like this isn’t a great way to watch a movie.

1:42:50 - The shot up Cara’s crotch is an interesting choice.

1:44:27 - DRAMATIC THROW SCORE SCORE WE FORGOT OUR COMMITMENT TO THE SPARKLE MOTION OF NON-DIEGETIC POP MUSIC SCOOOOOOOOORE

1:47:55 - I bet that ancient evil mud mask was GREAT FOR HER SKIN.

1:49:34 - And the movie ends with geometry. Neat.

1:50:43 - AND WE ARE BACK TO MUSIC MUSIC SONGS SONGS MUSIC FACEPUNCH OF SONG SONG MUSIC SONGS!

1:51:44 - Like…I KNOW they couldn’t actually kill the Joker but GODDDDD LETO SUUUUCCCKKKSSSSS.

1:52:21 - Also WHO BEDAZZLED HIS CUSTOM FAKE COP OUTFIT TO SAY JOKER?

My precious baby angels, I will miss you all. This is not forever. Someday I will return to you with an annoying whirr sound just like Jared Leto Joker. But for now, roll credits.


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