Pajiba

When Jenna (Jacinda Barrett) asks Michael (Braff), "Do you have something deep within you waiting to get out?" and he farts, you know you've been fucked by the marketing department at DreamWorks.

Hilarious!

Haggis is one terrible motherfucking writer ... Why anyone ever decided to let this man have a pen is beyond me.

Didn't he write Million Dollar Baby?

A movie about babyfaced, late twenty something, suburban, psuedo jew, quirky well off white guys in a romantic dramedy about their existential qualms on love and whether or not they should stick with their banging ass quirky girlfriends or go and have great conversations with other banging hot quirky love interest. Hooray!

Best review EVER. So many quotables in this one that my mind is blown.


I'm a longtime reader and I only comment when: 1. the movie in question infuriates me and I must vent or 2. the review is so freakin' brilliantly written that I must comment or die.



This review falls into the latter category so well that the latter category just exploded. Bravo, Mr. Rowles. Bravo. "I am born anew in your genius." I have to resort to quoting Will Ferrell as James Lipton in order to fully express how much I loved, loved, loved this review!!

Didn't he write Million Dollar Baby?

Yep, sure did.

Haggis actually adapted someone else's story into the Million Dollar Baby screenplay. His skill at crafting two-dimentional characters and inane dialogue is probably attributable to his experience writing on "Who's the Boss."

"Haggis is one terrible motherfucking writer, with an ear for dialogue like K-Fed has an ear for hip-hop lyrics."

Yes, thank you, some of the dialogue in Crash made my skin crawl. The man writes like a first year film student with a "purpose".

And roses, he did write the screenplay for Million Dollar Baby, but not the original story it was based on. More importantly, though, they didn't let him take the director's chair on that one.

Haggis actually adapted someone else's story into the Million Dollar Baby screenplay.

So....what does that mean for any other writer who has done the same thing for a screenplay? Surely, Haggis is not the first or the last?

Am I the only one who reacted to "Garden State" like Dustin reacted to "The Last Kiss?" "Garden State" actually made me ANGRY. I felt duped. I still cannot fathom why people are so enamored of that awful, awful movie. The characters were shallow collections of quirks. The "unrestrained sentimentality" rang so false. And I wanted to punch Natalie Portman's character. I don't care if the poor girl has epilepsy and can't figure skate anymore: She's still one of the most irritating, ridiculous, contrived characters I have seen on film. She's the indie Jar-Jar Binks. Oh, how I hated her. And despite Braff's admirable Harold Chasem impression, it just didn't work for me. I couldn't bring myself to care about his self-discovery. Heck, I barely even liked the guy. Some scenes were so random and without context, but not in a good way -- like the Wallpaper Shirt that seemed shoved in there because Braff thought, "THAT WOULD LOOK SO AWESOME IN THE TRAILER!"

I do like Braff on "Scrubs." I think he's a talented guy... but his writing/directing leaves something to be desired. For me, at least.

Anyway. I'm not going anywhere near this movie.

"A movie about babyfaced, late twenty something, suburban, psuedo jew, quirky well off white guys"

- please elucidate...what the fuck is a pseudo jew. if by pseudo jew you mean half jewish, youre a pseudo intellect.

danae: "Pseudo" means false, not half.

That said, I have no idea what being a "pseudo jew" would involve.

Spot on LG, spot on.

I thought I was the only one who felt that way about GS. Glad to know I'm not alone.

Dustin- Same to you. Spot on. Except for that stuff about the first movie. Bah.

!d

"...this manufactured excuse for a relationship film with all the manipulative force of an emphysemic whistle."

This film is not even on my radar, but the above line has got to be the best line I have read in a review of any kind all year. Bravo, Mr. Rowles!

"Yes, thank you, some of the dialogue in Crash made my skin crawl. The man writes like a first year film student with a 'purpose'."

Just SOME of the dialogue in Crash made your skin crawl? Dear God, that was the most pretentious, self-conscious waste of two hours I've sat through, well...ever.

To quote this site: "best picture my ass!"

i just saw "the last kiss" this afternoon and i have to say that i have never been more dissapointed before...i found myself almost hating each and every character. they had no redeemable qualities.
and was it just me or did every storyline feel horrendously patched together at the end?

The Italian original had everything to do with the clausterphoic nature of relationships of young people in Italy. They tend to date for 10 years (and live with their parents) before ever heading towoards serious commitments. The Last Kiss was popular in Italy because it tapped into a national anxiety. Placing this script in the hands of such clumsy writers screws it up big time. But what they really missed was cultural differences. This movie doesn't necessarily reflect nature of American relationships. In fact, I'm not sure why anyone would want to translate it in the first place. It was whiny enough in Italian.

Oops, pardon all the misspelling!

LG,

I agree with you on Garden State and Scrubs. I especially agree with you on the Natalie Portman character. I don't understand how these characters who in real life would make you want to chew a wasp, are supposed to be so endearing on film.

Case in point, did anyone else want to flay and vivisect Sally of When Harry Met Sally? Does anyone else find Monica Gellar's teenage histrionics incredibly grating (main reason I don't watch that show. )What about Carrie Bradshaw? So self-absorbed, so entitled, the chip on her shoulder could fill an olympic-sized swimming pool (ditto). And don't get me started on the oft-overlooked lunacy of one Isobel Stevens of 'Grey's Anatomy' fame. There are many, many others, but you get my tired point. There are so many high-maintenace, shewish types whose ways are in all seriousness supposed to signal sweet, quirky epitomes of the 'attainably hot' young woman. But honestly, if you met these phony-boloney types on the street in real life, wouldn't you just cross that street?

It seems that for every film Hollywood pats itself on the back for, there is some archaic social injustice being pilloried (decades too late) by the slow reactionaries that form the core of its activists cum directors/producers. The Socialist or Eastern visions of historical roots that have allowed subversive critiques of the regime in power - Chinese or Russian films that functioned as allegories for corruption - at least had a clearly defined struggle, and an equally-defined sense of danger and urgency.
Not to get all down on the comforts of North American popular culture, but it does relate that we'll likely get better films from a more realized notion of conflicts that interest us both as individuals and tribes - for now, we'll gaze at navels and let someone else bulldoze the citrus grove, someone else protest its' destruction, someone else write the eulogical summary of what the place meant.
We're also able to benefit from the higher price of oranges - the accompanying documentary of the decline and fall of agriculture is a testament to our perversity. (Note to Florida and California: all mentions of fruit are allegorical and not literally intended)

According to what sells:
The things that are most attractive to us are symbols and consumables of our comforting lifestyle, or the lifestyle that refers to comfort. The luxury of inward-bent (didn't we used to say "neurotic"?) examinations was likely exhausted for all but the best of film explorers back in the 70s. That sand doesn't stop the movie machine, however.
In light of this criticism, I want to make clear that
I like the argument (made on this site) that "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" is actually a science-fiction tale (too bad "We can remember that for you wholesale" wasn't handled by the same folks, as we got Total Recall out of that adaptation). "12 Monkeys" as well may be a fictive account that only takes a second to form in the mind of a dying man - and here you can go back to the short story by Ambrose Bierce (somewhere in the late 1800s), An Incident at Owl Creek Bridge. The technology that makes Molly the Sheep and computer modelling of genomes, the internet and ecological forecasts of disaster or adaptation (you can spin doctor the hard drive any way you please) also unleashes whatever social restraints that the lack of these instruments allowed. There is so much more to know, fear and loathe for anyone with an Interweb thingy at their disposal.
Has the world changed, or is it merely that the priviledged few have had their noitons of it altered, technology being the surrogate acid in the sugarcube?
If the Baby Boomers got dis-illusioned by: Pointless and fictional wars overseas, a looming disaster, suburban sprawl, the use of "new" drugs, resulting in the wholesale rejection of only what annoyed and upset them - without effecting long term improvements, isn't there some liklihood that we shall repeat the pattern with whatever chemicals and tools at our disposal, merely to distinguish ourselves from our ancestors? The tools make the difference, we are smarter, cooler, more authentically involved and alienated. Likely bullshit, but teenage perceptions of the world take a while to wear off.
We're not going to stop staring at the inside of our eyelids, but it would be a terrible shock if we actually woke up. The comfortable aspect of Western culture isn't in a state of readiness for anything but more self-indulgence, and this kind of god-awful film (I'm sure Christ recalls _his_ "Last Kiss" with anything but fondness, come to think of it) is a sign post on a roundabout. It's appropriate that "Haggis" is culturally specific to a meal of the Scots, consisting of innards, oats and the odd vegetable. Haggis the screen writer is similarly claiming to be of some nourishment, but I cannot abide his work (as we are both from the same city, I'd rather praise his craft).
The Last Kiss is, on a conscious level, unwatchable. If you forget that it's meant to be a story, it's less agonizing.
Well, it's not quite hell, but you can see that anytime you blink.
Braff, Haggis and Hollywood will survive.

Ah, dear people... you've warmed the black thing that is my heart with your hate-filled comments. Keep 'em coming! I have never been able to stomach this Zach Braff character, possibly because I've encountered his type in real life once too many times. All I can say is, girls -- you have to really have to watch out for that cuddly-looking, baby-faced, alt-music-loving type. He will rip out your heart and piss on it. Back when I was dating, for some reason the real jerks were the ones who loved Nick Drake. At the time, I thought, Oh, he loves Nick Drake, he must be gentle and sensitive. Hell, no. It ususally meant he already had three kids with three different women, none of whom he lived with. It would be so much easier if he loved... I don't know... someone who sucked. Anyway, it sounds like Braff is playing one of these dangerous sentimental bastards in this movie, but I heard that everything turns out just peachy for him in the end, so screw it.

I've never seen the big deal about Zach Braff. I get kind of an asshole vibe from him. I like Scrubs, but that's as far as I'll go to watch him.

And is it just me, or is Jacinda Barrett in everything these days? I'll be forced to see her in "The Namesake" soon. If I didn't like Kal Penn so much I wouldn't even bother.

M, bravo. I couldn't agree more about those TV hags. They're supposed to be quirky and cute, when they're just neurotic and boring. Carrie Bradshaw's selfishness was out of control. I wanted to kick her in the fucking head. By the way, I submit Meredith Grey to your list. ;)

I don't know I liked the movie. I didnt go
into watching it hoping for some fricken
out of this world movie. I liked it at times
it felt real and not fake like other movies.

Rachel Bilson character was so cute in the beginning
then she did some pyscho 180 on everyone.

And what was with braff just telling her
the truth I would of lied so bad if I was
him.

I mean this isnt a movie im going to even
talk about in a week so don't think im not with
you all I just didnt think it was bad comparable
to other movies I have seen lately.

If only you had your review posted BEFORE my fiance and I went to see this movie (on our third "anniversary," no less), lured into it by sexy Zach Braff and allusions to Garden State.

We walked out.

Thank god for critics who allow themselves to be as unobjective as they wish and use phrases like "Haggis is one terrible motherfucking writer, with an ear for dialogue like K-Fed has an ear for hip-hop lyrics." I applauded when I read your review. It occurs to me that one mark of a GOOD writer (although there are many) is that he/she has a keen sense of his/her own biases. Not only can Haggis not write dialogue, but he seems blind to how his entire movie his drenched with his own sense of pure, hateful mysogyny.

It got to the point that I was embarrassed to be watching it, and I feel sick when I read critics who claim this is a "smart" movie and "insightful."

Fuck them, I say, and fuck Paul Haggis. But please, please keep writing reviews, DR, for I trust you explicitly.

Kudos to the readers for taking Dustin to task. Garden State was about as accurate for young people as Crash was accurate for blacks, latinos, muslims, martians, etc etc.

And Damien Walder? Holy crap you got a lot of free time. In the time you took to write that, you could've been planting trees or adopting Chinese girls or something.

Ego boy Braff has been messing up Scrubs ever since Garden State was a hit. That, the semi-skeevish need to cosy up to women at least 10 years younger than him, and the fact that not everyone thought Garden State was that good and have been dying to have a reason to kick him in the nuts ever since, would be at least be some of the reasons for the backlash.

Did I mention the messing up Scrubs? That show as gold (S1-2) until Braff got all affected (presumably by what he saw as beckoning superstardom). It shows in his performance (S3 onwards) and where he was once actually acting and fell nicely between cute and vaguely vulnerable, now he just gurns for 20 minutes and then tops it off with something platitudinal - to the point that JD has become by far the most annoying character on that show, and the entire piece comes off as uninspired and overly silly more often than not.

Something went off balance on the show and I'd say it started with him. Ruining a great comedy when it should have been hitting it's prime is reason enough for some.

ps - I liked Garden State but I'm aware of it's very distinct flaws, and Braff's performance wasn't overkill if you want the overkill I'm sure you just saw it in The Last Kiss.

OMG, M, I HATED Sally in When Harry Met Sally. Yes, I understand she was SUPPOSED to have a stick up her ass, but by the time the film was half over, I wanted to yank it out and beat her with it. Beat her bloody.

As for this site, I have come to realize I trust your reviews implicitly. I don't know what's up with those guys who write for the big papers--has their "good film radar" gone wonky or what? But sometimes, in the past, I would walk out of a film thinking "So and So Movie Review Guy LIKED that piece of crap?"

Nowdays, that never happens. If I'm actually gonna cough up seven bucks to see a flick in the theater (rarity, since they are all such suckage it seems), I HAVE to read the review here first. Absolutely.

Thanks for the good work!

"In fact, she's stalkerish, kind of pathetic, and possesses all the charm and whimsy of a cigarette butt or an Excel spreadsheet." Well said, except you *weren't* referring to Natalie Portman's character in "Garden State." Here's a new variation on The Garden State Problem: I loved every second of it until the point where that character showed up, at which point the bullshit that was making me smile mildly in an "Awwww. He's trying soooo hard! And dammit if he hasn't gotten a few things right to boot!", became intolerable.

I thought the "eccentric characterization" of GS was hit or miss, which I could actually stand. It was seeing Braff throw in the cliche du jour that made me want to vomit. Whereas four years ago it was the disillusioned/brilliant teenage boys (like that happens so often) of "Igby Goes Down" and "Tadpole" banging older women, now it's the completely unrealistic and annoying love interest/savior.*

* Notice 1) how one nearly sequelizes the other and 2) that they're both born out from the juvenile wishful thinking of teenage boys, as was the crop of "One Last Big Score Pictures" that sprouted up just before the "wonder boy" phase.

And this after I worked so hard to excuse the scene on the train in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." (They were replaying memories and emotions they'd already lived! Let's see you act not at all like a psychopath when that happens to you!)

I had high hopes for the film Braff just shelved. Then I noticed that people who loved "Garden State" liked the things I hated and hated the things I liked. Which leads me to believe that, rather than learn from his shallow mistakes, no, if anything, Braff will go totally overboard trying to inject indie-lite "charm" into his annoying story about whiny, attractive people being miserable.

From the sounds of things, it looks like he shelved it not due to disinterest from actors (God bless 'em), but because the impossibly trite team-up of Haggis and Goldwyn** already beat him to the punch. He must know how Cameron Crowe feels now.

** Oh, no, let's not absolve hackneyed actor-turned-director Tony Goldwyn just because the PH level on this film is so high. This shit's right up his alley anyway.

Although it feels good to get that rant off my chest, this is not how I envisioned spending my Saturday afternoon. I'm going to go watch "Charley Varrick" again.

OK, I have to get this off my chest.

Zach Braff reminds me of of one of those catty, vaguely effiminent guys from highschool that surround themselves with girls. The kind of maniupulative little prick that would spread all sorts of rumors and gossip, comfortable hehind their cadre of female followers that had, whether they knew it or not, resigned themselves to a high school career of undateabiltiy (is that a real word?) because of their affiliation with a manipulative little shit that hasn't figured out he's gay yet and keeps this little all X-chromosome clique around like a heterosexual insurance policy. Oh, I hated that bastard.

Wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, 'Garden State' sucked hippo cock. It should have to fight to the death with 'Napoleon Dynamite' to see which was a drabber, less imspiring movie.

*inspiring

I have found my people. I DETEST the Braff. I have an absolutely visceral reaction to this man's visage. I can't believe he masquerades as attractive and that women fall for it. He is such a former nerd who has come into his own in his 30s and is makin' up for lost time.

I don't know if any of y'all were on the thread where I proposed paying money to watch Kathy Bates slap the shit out of Adam Sandler, but I'd like to add Braff to that long line of dudes who need slapping.

Oh Samantha T, I have a LONG list of people, in that case, that I would like Kathy Bates to slap the shit out of. I'd even pony up for pay per view for that mess.

Let's start with Paris Hilton (then stick her on a bus and drive it into the Grand Canyon). Then Tom Cruise. Then Jennifer Anniston. (The Good Girl is supposed to be her best acting and it involves a bad Texas dialect and a lot of doey-eyed staring off into space conveying "hey look at me, I'm depressed." Wow. What great acting. Woo. Give that girl an award. What's sad is I was actually impressed, since I didn't even think she was capable of THAT much.)

Where was I? Ah, yes. Slap Lindsey Lohan several times for me, Kathy Bates. Adam Sandler, of course. Put Matthew MacConehey, however you spell it, in there, because I just don't know what he's done to deserve to be called an actor.

I just went blank. Feel free to add to the list.

I thought Garden State was a beautiful but flawed movie. The venom being spewed here at it shocks me, it's as if Dustin doesn't have the right to an opinion that is thoughtful and well-formed, even if it might be incorrect.

I wonder if there's a bigger phenomenon at play in this comment thread, something like deTocqueville's "tyranny of the majority," where equality means we must all think the same thing, and have no ability to disagree for very deep and meaningful reasons. Again, the nastiness here does strike me as exceptional.

ashok is sweet.

I guess that's why the site says 'scathing reviews for bitchy people' and not 'fair and balanced reviews for ladies and gentlemen who wish to put forth their well meaning and civil opinions concerning the actors depicted in the review in question.' :D

And yes Samantha T, I was there at the epic Wicker Man thread, and you are amongst your own kind here. Let the hate flow through you.

Meh, that sounded better in my head.

"The venom being spewed here at it shocks me, it's as if Dustin doesn't have the right to an opinion that is thoughtful and well-formed, even if it might be incorrect."

Ashok, you're kind of right - I didn't mean to hijack Dustin's entirely sane and precise review. I was just so overjoyed to come across a group of people who find Braff as grating as I do.

You may resume your insightful movie-reviewing, Pajibateers!

Well, ashok, if it makes you feel any better, I admit that I don't hate Zach Braff. He's hilarious on Scrubs (at least, he was, I stopped tuning in after the first 2 seasons because I didn't know when the hell the show was on). Can't say I worship the ground he walks on or anything, but I like him well enough, and am trying to resist the asshole vibe I've heard about until there is conclusive evidence. That being said, I didn't care for Garden State, either. I remember looking forward to seeing it, based on good reviews, and being rather bored and disappointed. So I sure as hell have no desire to see this, especially after reading the review.

Excel spreadsheets rock.

Ashok, Dustin is a big boy. I'm sure he can handle opinions that differ from his. No one is attacking him, or you, for liking "Garden State." I did not like it. I'm sorry that offends you. For the record, I dislike a lot of movies this site heaps praise on. Like "Wedding Crashers." Oh god. "Wedding Crashers" was cliched, and unfunny, and generally just completely fucking retarded. I didn't so much as giggle throughout the whole film. I will never understand why Dustin loves it so. But, hey, we're all entitled to our opinions, right?

I think one of the reasons I dislike Braff (although, to reiterate, I do appreciate his work on "Scrubs") is the same reason I cannot bring myself to fully like Cameron Crowe: He's that arrogant geek boy you know who is always telling you what music you need to listen to, who shoves his record collection down your throat, who lords his supposedly better taste over everyone. Oh, how I hate those boys. I've known many of them over the years.

And, like Crowe, Braff seems to have a penchant for using female characters as nothing more than catalysts for male self-discovery. Natalie Portman's character in "Garden State" was similar to Kirsten Dunst's character in "Elizabethtown" were practically the same girl in that they didn't exist in the movie outside of what they allowed the male leads to learn about themselves. Crowe's done it over and over again in his movies -- even the legendary Diane Court fit into that tired mold. Braff seems to be developing in the same way. That sucks.

Oh, and I was kinda grossed out by the whole Mandy Moore thing. Seriously, ew. Date someone who graduated high school the same decade as you, plz. And the two of them are so EARNEST, if they'd ever had kids, they would have been born with simpering, apologetic smiles fixed on their faces.

I had serious misgivings about this film: besides Rachel Bilson, who can't act within an inch of her life, the movie poster was the stupidest thing EVER, all the names of the actors in a huge bold font in blue, then the movie title in the same sized font under it. With not even the name of the director, just "from the writer of Crash and Million Dollar Baby." Uh, who cares really? Someone in the art department probably got fired for this shit...

Re: Matt's rant about "that guy in high school"

Simmer down, homophobe!

Funny that Say Anything should be brought up. I saw both that and Garden State the same day. It was a cold Canadian February afternoon, and I was flat on my back with a blood infection. One of my friends lent me these films. I was conscious enough to sit through the movies, but like pretty much everything else, I didn't feel either lived up to the hype. The problems I had with GS have been well documented here already, so I won't go into that. But Say Anything? That was boring!!! For years and years, I hear every single girl fall into raptures over Lloyd Dobler and that (THAT) boombox scene.

That scene was creepy and weird. I can't remember if it had the obligatory Cusack rain though. Others told I had no sense of romance. To that I counter, I have a sense of romance, YOU poor girls who believe that stalking = true love, are the ones who are sadly mistaken. And all of you Say Anything lovers do not have to rush at me, I know what you think of it, and I know what you think of me, so we don't have to be nasty.

But, I still think that this explains the head-shenanigans of girls today. This movie is responsible for more romantic fallacies than consumption and the Bronte sisters combined.

But to be fair, I was on antibiotics at the time, and I was pretty heavily drugged at the time. This probably explains why I can't remember the bulk of either movie. I just remember instances of rolling my eyes, and then grabbing another fistful of pills. It still beats being outside in Canada in winter.

HOMOPHOBE?!?! People sure kick that word around a lot.

Beth, I would never have ever gotten a date in college if it hadn't been for a gay friend giving me advice.

Zach Braff is still not that great.

Ah yes, the "gay friend" justification. I bet even David Duke had a "black friend."

And anyone that doesn't appreciate Say Anything shouldn't be allowed to reproduce ... there's too much cynicism in this world. Bah.

LOL, M. I think I'll jump into the fire with you regarding SA. When I was younger, yeah, I thought that scene was sweet. Now that I'm a bit older, 28, I realize that Lloyd was a bit pathetic. I also realize that Diane treated him kinda crappy. So, romantic? No, not so much.

Somebody already mentioned the fact that the original movie is set in a culture that is seriously different from America's. Which is probably why trying to adapt it didn't work, and left the characters with no discernible motivations for their insane actions.

Some films can be adapted, because their premises aren't based on a specific type of culture inherent to the original film...like Insomnia or even Three Men and a Baby. Others should just be left well enough alone -- just because it was a really good film and made a lot of money doesn't mean it's necessarily going to translate into English.

I'm also pleased to have run into a crowd of people who had the same reaction to GS and Crash as I did. My co-workers were so in love with Crash that I had to physically restrain myself every time the topic of the movie came up. I had learned that keeping one's mouth shut can be a beneficial when it comes to discussing some movies when I made the mistake of sharing my honest opinion of the movie Pretty Woman all those years ago (the only time I actually felt the urge to burn a theatre down).

I too am pleased to see the all the bile thrown Braff's way. Love LG's observation that "sensitive" filmmakers like Braff and Crowe see women only as empty vehicles. Why do the femme fatales in movies start off sexy and cool, then turn into shrill shrews after the male character beds her?
Dustin, thanks for validating that the major plot in the movie, the affair with a younger woman, was very unoriginal. What about befriending an older person, like "Harold & Maude"

Katy said:

"The Italian original had everything to do with the clausterphoic nature of relationships of young people in Italy. They tend to date for 10 years (and live with their parents) before ever heading towoards serious commitments. The Last Kiss was popular in Italy because it tapped into a national anxiety."

The original movie ended up doing extremely well at the box office (critical reaction was split), but several reasons can be given for that: the massive ad campaign, the popularity of pretty boy / leading man Stefano Accorsi at the time, the picture's superficial but sort of effective "look", the endless debate that followed, the birth of a trend (real or just perceived) within a lot of relationships-centered movies and novels... Etc.

And yes, it definitely tapped into the ever-popular "guys are commitment-phobes, whereas girls are co-dependent bitches" theme, but it hardly strikes me as being a typical Italian thing. Not to mention that, as a rule, we don't usually "date for 10 years before ever heading towards serious commitment": we have a little more sense than that, c'mon.

... But about this:

"In fact, I'm not sure why anyone would want to translate it in the first place. It was whiny enough in Italian."

Amen, sister.

I don't really love or hate Zach Braff, which in some ways is a bit of an insult; He's simply there -- as much of a cinematic non-entity as has ever existed. The strange 20-something idol-worship leveled at Garden State has always confused me a little, but at the same time, the movie was far too harmless for me to bother getting worked up over one way or the other.

Haggis on the other hand should've been nothing more than another over-eager Hollywood hack, and he actually was, until the Academy bewilderingly decided that Crash was worthy of a Best Picture Oscar.

Crash wasn't simply bad; it was God-fucking-awful.

Braff's easygoing "likeability" would never be enough to drag me to a theater to begin with -- but add Haggis to the mix I probably wouldn't even bother pressing one button to order it on pay-per-view either.

www.DeusExMalcontent.blogspot.com

oh wow M, thank you so much. I saw SA about a year ago (at age 25) and watched the whole thing wondering what was wrong with me. Why is this considered a seminal movie? I found the boombox thing creepy and stalkerish. And I didn't think they belonged together at all. But I thought this was a shortcoming on my part, not the movie's. Thank you for validating my opinion of SA which was, in a word, meh.

Hi, awesome review! Nice to know what to avoid.

I'm also 'way glad to find others who also hated the oh-so-cutesy-you-can-gag-me-and-then stab-me-in-the-eye-with-Portman's-re-engineered nose, Garden State.

Garden State was about as accurate for young people...

More than once in Garden State, I was amazed at how the characters were discussing things I'd thought about in my own life.

I guess my life just isn't hip enough to be accurate.

I, too, have to throw some love LG's way. Penny Lane's character was such a cheesy, unrealistic means-to-an-end that I could'nt enjoy the film. I just didn't get it at all, even though the film had its intriguing moments.

And M, I agree about Say Anything as well. I was healthy and more or less drug-free at the time I saw it, and was bored to tears. And I don't even want to hear that I'm not a romantic, as I will defend my love of The Notebook to the death (look, it was an interesting, non-traditional love story. Sue me.) The stalking-as-true-love aesthetic runs throughout our culture, taking "Every Breath You Take" as an example. How romantic is having every breath, move, vow, etc. witnessed by some crazy dude that you are clearly trying to get rid of? But there have been people who have played the song at their wedding! There's devotion, and then there's obsession, and it would behoove us to learn the difference.

Another thanks to M from someone who hated "Say Anything." It was the "Garden State" of my day, came out when I was about 18. As someone else has mentioned, this film has probably caused more romantic fallacies -- for both men and women -- than we'll ever know. It's probaby worse for guys, because they will soon found out that in real-life, beautiful valedictorian chicks are RARELY impressed by weird going-nowhere guys who stalk them with boomboxes. It re-enforced the idea that men should pursue the girl who is unattainable, at the expense of the not-so-glamorous girl who might truly care about him. In my experience, these ideas almost never result in "happily ever after", for anybody. Garden State is perpetuating a newer and far more absurd myth -- that of the physically perfect, adorably quirky, entirely selfless, modest, sweet, indie-music-loving girl who adores the guy without question and without any apparent needs of her own. Honestly, I couldn't even bear to watch GS after "The Shins will change your life" line, the whole scene making out like SHE was pursuing HIM and he could take her or leave her -- right!

Wow, what a surprise--people hate Zach Braff, and he went to my college. I guess that's why I didn't date so much in college.

I know a lot of people are ripping on ZB for his film work, but I gotta say I love him (and always will) and the rest of the psychotically funny cast of "Scrubs". It's the only show that I bother to watch anymore, and it's also a show no one "gets", for the most part. Granted the quality of the show is more related to its kick-ass creator, but Braff and the cast make the dialogue work. I still like him--and hey, at least he wasn't in Crash.

Disliking Braff, I can kind of understand. But dissing on Say Anything? Have you people no souls? And The Notebook? "Nontraditional love story?" Oh. My. God. What is happening to the world? What's going on? Have I entered another dimension.

I think I need some air.

I'm glad to know that this movie is as crappy as I thought it looked. Thanks for spreading the word.

I felt so alone in my dislike for "GS", I cant even talk about it because everyone I know liked it so much. It's too much of an effort for me to try to explain why I hated it. I knew I hated it for Natalie Portman's character but I wasnt sure why. But now thanks to all of you I know how to put it into words.

Thank you everyone for your clear, descriptive hatred of "GS" I can now explain myself better.

As far as "Crash" is concerned, I really liked it at first at times. I was pregnant and VERY hormonal. But then I watched it again on DVD with my husband after having the baby and he didnt like it and I saw it in a different light. One where my brain was thinking clearly and wasnt effected by another human being.

I love Pajiba......dont ever go away.

Not at all surprised that Haggis wrote "Million Dollar Baby." I can be manipulated to cry rather easily, and I rolled my eyes through every tired cliche moment of that, from beginning to end. "Tough ain't enough." Please. How embarrassing. Of course, when that film came out, I felt like I was either insane or I was the only sane person for miles (like Elaine on Seinfeld with "The English Patient".)

I'm so glad to hear that some people agree with me about this. I've been positively screamed at too many times to bother seeing movies with most people anymore. I was told to believe that I was too cynical and had no sense of romance because I didn't like some films. I never believed them, but clearly my belief is up for debate. Fair enough.

Anyway...

Now, I've never seen punk'd before, but I do know for a fact that by his own admission, ZB laid the hammer down on a little kid who was 'defacing' his car. Okay granted, that's not going to make anyone happy, and I think the premise of the show is kind of infantile, but I've never seen it, so I'm really in no place to judge. I guess it's a good way to figure out who is/isn't a jerk in Hollywood--not that it'll make a whit of difference, but you know, fun and uncomfortable entertainment can be just the thing sometimes. I just don't care for Ashton Kutcher.

Back to the car. Um yeah, YOU CAN'T DO THAT!!! I'd be lying if I said that in my years of volunteering at the YMCA (don't bother), and in my past life as a piano teacher I didn't want to bean a few kiddies, and give their parents what-for's until they were crying 'brassafrax' in order to teach them what the hell they should be doing with their kids. I'm not the only one who's felt that. But you don't do it. Why? Um...because we're not child-abusers. Oh, yeah! THAT thing. They had to actually edit out a lot of that scene because you know, people wouldn't want to see that. AK had to run in and save the kid. I don't know where he was hiding that the hit would've been able to sustain so many hits, but I digress.

My point is: no matter how I felt about you before (that being, I didn't), I cannot have any positive feelings about a person who turns Ashton Kutcher into the voice of reason. Verstandlich?

And also, one of my sisters lives in Toronto, and she works with a girl who waitressed at one of the TIFF parties, and she said he just stood around being a snot for a couple of minutes before his people whisked him off to a better private party. Look, I know you want to hang out with your friends and ass-kissers, and if you're shy, I can relate. But I'm also polite, so I'd bloody say 'hi' before making a statue of myself for my throngs to adore.

Still, I will try to keep my knowledge of his personal 'quirks' out of my mind in order to critically assess his next act of cinematic auto-fellatio.

I think you had your sights set too high, Dustin. It was hardly McConaughey caliber.

It was as real a relationship movie as I've seen lately. Some of you folks are way too f'n melancholy.

The Farting thing was real life. You may be too prissy (or "enlightened") to pull that off, but shit happens.

While I agree with you overall over this ridiculous film, I'm kinda confused about your problems with the Rachel Bilson character. It seemed obvious to me at least that she wasn't meant to be taken seriously -- why else would they use a actress only known for playing a dramatic teenager in the OC? She was meant to play a flirty, flaky, stalkerish, cute and slightly pathetic 19-year-old girl who for no other reason than boredom with other 19-year-old boys falls for this almost-30 architect. I believe the film's writers were looking for a girl to fill the role, one who had "all the charm and whimsy of a cigarette butt or an Excel spreadsheet." It certainly was not trying to portray Rachel Bilsson's character as anyone deep or meaningful; rather, I think her flighty, two-dimensional character was one of the film's strenghts. At the very least it was honest.

A moment of focus, please, on the key insights in Garden State:


. I am cooler than the kids I went to high school with

. Hot indecipherable girls want me because I look sad (and hence deep)

. The answer is (here about 30ish) to go home and live with your despised (job holding) parents and the losers from high school, who, fortunately, you will always be ahead of




And, Natalie Portman was so annoying.

You people are absolutely hysterical - seriously. I don't even remember "Say Anything", and it was aimed directly at my age group. I think that says it all. I love how women who doggedly pursue a man in movies are "psycho-bitch stalkers" and men who do the same are merely adorably devoted.

And, Erik? Braff can only wish he was McConnaughey. He's the kind of guy who makes fun of dudes like McConnaughey for being fratty, all the while resenting the shit out of his easy-going ways and empirical good looks.

I had to stifle a snort while reading this review at my desk amid cubicleland. Bravo!

Samantha. I was merely making the point that this movie was nothing like McConnaughey's brand of romantic "date movies". (Failure to launch or How to lose a guy, etc)

There is no comparison.

There was actual connection (for me) with the pain of the characters.

McConnaughey has made alot of crappy, feel good movies! Hey, it works for him. Great. Don't drag me into this just cause you lust after his sexy body!!!

Sorry, Erik - my Braff-directed rage ended up directed at you. Mea culpa.

What I like about McConnaughey is that he knows what he is and doesn't try to be anything more than that. Goddamn it, I love that pot-smoking, bongo-playing-while-naked S.O.B.!

Chuck Klosterman wrote a hilarious, unexpectedly insightful essay about "Say Anything" in "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto." I highly recommend it.

I thought "Say Anything" was alright, for what it was. I think it influenced a generation of sensitive geeks with verbal diarrhea to endlessly persue the Diane Courts of the world. If you're a geek, "Say Anything" is probably 45% of the reason you're emotionally unfulfilled. Diane Court will never love you. It is important that you understand this.

I actually read an interview where Braff admitted that Natalie Portman's character in "Garden State" was intended to be a "mini-Maude." Now, "Harold and Maude" is one of my favorite movies. And Braff claims it's one of his, but by reimagining Maude as a pretty young thing whose biggest trauma is not being able to figure skate, he totally missed the point.

Really "Garden State" is a wonderful movie as long as the Beta Band are playing. As soon as that's over, I'd rather go listen to Richard Pryor. I'm grateful to that film forever just for exposing me to the Beta Band, but I'd really rather never see it again. You couldn't pay me to see "The Last Kiss" - well, I might take five hundred bucks or so. As usual, Dustin, you are a burnished golden god performing an important public service.

heh.

i have been the natalie portmen/penny lanesque character so often in relationships that your loud declarations of her 'impossibility' confuse me. a girl can be beautiful and pursued and want very much to save and inspire everyone without being a fool or a joke or even a bitch.

believe me.

I just have to say that it feels good to see that other people think Say Anything sucks. I just found it to be very boring. I only liked the boombox scene because of the song. Afterwards, it was like "yawn."

Oh good, I'm so glad to see that at least a few other humans didn't enjoy Say Anything. I'm not alone!

So Zack Braff sees "Harold and Maude" and thinks, "Hmmm... nice... but wouldn't it be better if Maude was a young hot chick?" Really, that in itself says volumes about the celestial vapidity of these cursed Children of Bush. God help us.

ani: Yes, attractive, sweet, stable women in relationships do exist, but when she has no other purpose in a movie than to be met, fallen in love with, lost, and found again, and no other ambition or personality traits other than being perfect for or crying over the main character, it rings false. And a little creepy.

:;Yawn::

dont really give an arsey fuck. I will still watch it and enjoy it just to spite you worthless slimes.

Wow... I want to know what similar movie you people would recommend over 'The Last Kiss'. I want to see just how great it is.

Yes, the writing on the Last Kiss wasn't great. In my opinion the overall story and the acting was... oh well.

When the farting seen happened, I thought that is EXACTLY what I would do. EXACTLY. Maybe I'm immature, heck I am. But as far as I can tell 'mature' is jus a eupamism for asshole.

Nicely said, LG. I'm putting your assessment (with credit, of course) on my own blog. Garden State sucked. That said, this review is great, and so is the rest of this site, which I just found today. To quote Barney from The Simpsons, upon first drinking beer: "Where have you been all my life?"

Oh, and Million Dollar Baby sucked, too. Worse than Crash in some ways.

I know by now this movie is old news, but please fellows don't watch this drivle. It was like watching a terrible maritial fight for an hour and forty minutes and had a a terrible ending and Rachel Bilsson's character was a needy piss that didn't fit any type of romantic comedy/dramedy. I actually felt uncomfortable watching it and I'm a girl. The usual succer for these sorts of pieces of crap. I get what everyone is saying about Braff, this movie actually made me hate him a little. Spoiler alert, he's a yuppie ass face who cheats on his pregnant girlfriend that he won't bother to marry with a queer stalker needy unworthy lame ass. Cool huh? I think it sucked so bad I'm not even going to bother to correct my spelling.