Pajiba

I knew once I saw the previews for this movie that it would be everything I hate about recent comedy titles, rolled into one generous helping of shit. I'm glad I'm not the only one.

Your review was hilarious as it was reassuring, and I will be sure to steer clear of this stinker.

So "Ricky Bobby: The Ballad of Talledgea Nights" is enough to pull you from the brink? I was hoping your other hand would have fallen on the well-worn VHS copy of "Better off Dead" as a Choir of Angels burst into song as the Healing Power of The Cusack spread its warmth into your soul...

Btw, it's "Fast times AT Ridgemont High" not "AND".
I'll bet Phoebe Cates can still work magic on a banana...

Oh, Dustin, may the Talledega Nights take you far, far away from Hollywood. Nothing is worth the excrutiating pain of watching 4 girls flip out over Jesse f@#$%n Metcalf.

Oh, wow! An English-language version of Chasing Papi (if any of you saw that piece of trash, I feel almost as sorry for you as I do for myself).

I I

"And a generation without absolutely nothing to define them besides a cell phone that ties their goddamn shoes and Ipods that remove your corns comes along with some 5th generation Green-Day punk bullshit and taints everything we worked for by lumping Elvis Costello and Paul Simon with The All-American Rejects and Sum 41."

I couldn't have said it better myself. I had no desire to see this flaming pile of excrement. Thanks for making the ultimate sacrifice in the name of our reading pleasure, Dustin.

And I, too, cannot wait to see "Talladega Nights".

That was supposed to say I Heart Young MC but somehow it didn't come out

Oh, I was eagerly awaiting this review, but you outdid yourself here my man. Any time I hear the name "Betty Thomas" I know it is a hopeless case as she's the queen of turd ploppage.

I loved this review so much I want to marry it. Thank you Will Farrell for bringing Dustin back from the brink!

The 5th paragraph nearly killed me, I almost choked on my soda...so very funny. As for the girls kissing hook, c'mon, there are 2 billion websites for that already hollywood, you could at least *try* to pretend to be creative.

Someday you guys are going to out-hyperbolize and melodrama-tize (?) your own selves and have nowhere to go. But I'll enjoy it in the mean time. So far very clever.

Of course, it was made for teens to go see, not anyone over the age of 21. The reviews I've read have conceded the teen set will enjoy it. You all have to remember that you're not going to see it because you weren't really meant to see it.

Aly:...I'm 17...and by god do i hope that i am friends with NOONE stupid enough to see and enjoy this movie. unfortunately you're right and about 4 people just popped into my head who probably would...sorry

God bless you for hitting it on the head. I've spent the past several years wondering what the hell the current generation has produced cinematically that will stand the test of time. I mean, American Pie was decent, but it wasn't Heathers for Christ's sake. And to learn that the music for which I was willing to endure jock-mockery and social banishment has now been co-opted by a Jesse Fucking Metcalf vehicle... Well, if you're not really gonna do it, then please pass that gun my way.
Deus Ex Malcontent

I'm also 17, and there's no way I'd watch this crap. Unfortunately, I can easily think of at least 3 people who have bad enough taste/are lazily accepting of Hollywood's crap enough to pay to see it. My friend's parents pay for him to rent 3 occasionally-blockbuster-yet-always-awful movies a week to watch by himself. (Underworld: Evolution, Cruel Intentions 3, etc) Yet he refuses to rent Woody Allen movies with me, claiming that they are 1. old, 2. not funny (tho he's never seen one), and 3. I only want to see them because (gasp!)I like Woody Allen movies.

Bravo! Except for the aforementioned Mean Girls I can't really think of any other good "teen" movie this generation has churned out either. Except maybe Bend it like Beckham..(does that even count?)

I thought that this could be good. It has everything I look for from a movie- bad actors, formulaic plot, poster that steals from the band "She Wants Revenge". Plus, four chicks that I would do.

You can't go to the movies and laugh at how bad it is? That's what these movies are about, unintentional comedy of sheer bad movie making.

God Bless you Dustin for sitting through this turgid garbage so we didn't have to.
And God Bless Ricky Bobby!

I'm 15, and think this movie looks awful. Sadly, most of my friends can't wait to see it.

Now, now, Gen Xers. I'm sure Baby Boomers feel the shame about movies of our generation. Not to say JTMD isn't a pile of cinematic crap.....just that movies, like any other art, is subjective. Then again, what do I know? I've never seen Clerks - supposedly a movie that defined my generation. Nor do I want to.

That's what I get for posting before previewing.....I meant to say that the perceived quality of movies is subjective, not movies themselves.

You're probably my favorite on this site. Such dramatics go into your reviews.

Not going to lie though, I went out to see this movie today. What can I say; I'm a Jesse Metcalfe drooler with a major girl crush on Sophia Bush.

Yeah, I know. Shun me all you want. At least I didn't thoroughly enjoy this movie or laugh when the twelve year olds behind me busted some lungs.

I never thought I'd write a comment like this, but I have to say this was the best goddamned movie review I've ever read. Major kudos to you, "Dustin Rowles." You officially rock, in my book. I was appalled by the trailer of this film, particularly by the ubiquitous "girl-on-girl" tease -- Jesus Christ on a Bike! But your rant was perfect: "A generation with absolutely nothing to define them..." I feel precisely the same. But I feel sorry for these kids at the same time, God help them. Their all going to die in this pointless war, anyway.

I sincerely hope, Dustin, that if you guys review that deliciously awful looking Zoom, you won't be the one to do it. You've suffered enough (coming from someone who is a nanny to an 12 year old and was dragged to go see it and KNOWS your pain).

how quickly one forgets 'clueless'.

Gen X elitism? It's interesting to see an "At least we produced awesome teen movies!" belligerence.

At any rate, the current generation (mine, so I have a huge bias, of course) isn't really old enough to be doing much of anything. Wait ten years before you curse the ground we walk on.

Who you should be directing your scorn at is the creators of the movie. Google tells me Betty Thomas is 58 years old.

I agree with everything in your review except for the Sum 41 reference. Even if you don't like their style or genre(you are probably judging based on the 'Fat Lip' album which was too 'pop'), they can at least play their instruments at an average level and they actually write their own songs. So cut them a break and I will march with you to put an end to the shit the industry puts out.

Movies like this are the reasons I quit working at a movie theatre years ago. I couldn't stand watching people part with their money and giggle as they passed me tickets for a movie such as this. Resisting the urge to go on a shooting spree is not how I like to feel heading into work every day.
For the record, I'm eighteen, and I'd sooner slit my wrists than watch this piece of maggoty puke.

Hey, Jesse Metcalfe is the original Miguel Lopez-Fitzgerald from "Passions!" That alone has me willing to see this thing...on video...once it reaches the library.

ithaca is gorges. this movie looks like crap.

I dunno, I'm a big fan of that Veronica Mars chick. Really enjoyed her turn on "Deadwood." And I would love to seee her kiss a girl.

I'll probably just find that scene on YouTube.

Ah, "strict gun control laws"...such a quixotic notion.

Despite their flippant disregard for every other law, I'm certain criminals will comply with these, right?

Right?

I'll bet when you were a teenie the adults were saying the exact same things about your movies. If we lived up to your expectations what would you bitch about? Nevermind, you all are creative geniuses; I'm sure you'd find something.

Otherwise, great review. Too bad this movie sucks, Jesse Metcalf is hot. I can wait for it to go to video. Oh Miguel.

My 15 year old sister and I went to see "Pirates" a few weeks ago. Her addiction to myspace, the sex lives of Lindsay Lohan and the Olsen twins and reality shows sometimes makes me fear for her soul. After the trailer for JTMD came on, the theater was dead silent. Not a sound. Then a high-pitched voice next to me says, "I think I would, like, rather chew my arm off than see that movie." I have never been prouder.

Justin at July 29, 2006 05:15 AM said "I dunno, I'm a big fan of that Veronica Mars chick. Really enjoyed her turn on "Deadwood." And I would love to seee her kiss a girl."

Umm, huge fan of VM here too, but she's not even in the movie moron, what do all the blonde chicks look alike to you? Well, they do to me, but VM stands out as a gret actress and really cute girl.

HALLE-fucking-LUJAH!
The whole paragraph containing "some asshole comes along and steals our hard-fought cultural capital and passes it off as cool...by getting some shitty Blink-182-wannabe band to cover them" will be framed in gold within my bitterly proud little heart.
Infuriating INDEED!

For a non-nascar enthusiast that lives less than an hour from said Talladega, I CAN'T F'N WAIT!

If they did their homework, this will be a breathtaking film of redneckery!

It's a good thing we're both married to other people.

That is all.

"Fast Times At Ridgemont High" is a piece of garbage. "The Pirate Movie"...there's an '80s flick worth remembering. But I'll give Phoebe Cates a pass because she had the excellent taste to be in "Gremlins".

I agree the movie was God-awful. But I like Ann Coulter. Maybe she would feel empowered if bleeding-heart liberals like yourself let her have a gun.

Despite all the bootlicking going on and the fact that JTMD is a load of crap, this review absolutely reeks of "the greatest generation" vibe. You're just short one senior bus fare and a pond full of ducks.

I love revolted reviews. It shows that some ( a lot) of people have not been lobotomized yet. I feel your pain man.

Great review. Due to the fact that I canceled my cable this summer to save money (and even the networks won't come in on my TV), I haven't seen a preview for this flick. I consider myself lucky.

I'm 23, and I'm not sure what generation I'm supposed to be a part of. I'm certainly too young to relate to Gen X or whatever, and as I've stated before, I loathe movies that feature flannel, combat boots, and frizzy hair. But then again, I feel too old to be a part of the current high school set. While I adore "Mean Girls," it has nothing on "Clueless," and Cady Heron is no Cher Horowitz. This "John Tucker Must Die" seems like a real piece of shit.

And to Crayon -- keep fighting the good fight. Most of my friends are mild Woody Allen fans at best, so I watch everything from "Hannah and Her Sisters" to "Melinda and Melinda" by myself, then talk about them with my dad. If people don't get it, well, it's their own damn problem

When i saw superman returns they played a preview for this, and during the scences where john tucker was wearing a thong that somehow allowed him to preform a superhuman dunk, then a clip with the whole team wearing thongs the audience burst into laughter and started clapping...
This broke, i couldnt tolerate the low bar of american culter going further undersea level, I got up and loudly told everyone to stop clapping because they were killing america. It was a proud moment as the applause ceased and those in the theater who had refrained from clapping gave me their applause
if only i could have done more to kill this movie

I'm a child of the Heathers and John Hughes era of movies. I'd like to draw attention to Some Kind Of Wonderful, in particular!
Eric Stoltz! He could have had my virginal self for a pair of cubic zirconias.

Anyway, Matt above, you're hilarious and I applaud your activism!

And Daphne, just deciding not to see Clerks in that strangely adamant way, well all I can say is it's your loss, as it's a very funny script with some cool performances.

BTW, if any of you are ever in Red Bank New Jersey, the guy from Clerks who is offended by the magazine and enjoys thoroughly testing eggs before purchase,
actually WORKS at "Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash" the shop!
You could have knocked me over with a feather! I was suddenly too shy to ask for his autograph, but I did buy a shirt from him. :)

I refer to matt the cinema wrangler. :)
"...Posted by: matt at July 30, 2006 12:38 PM"

Hey, remember Bring It On? Remember Jesse Bradford? Remember his 38-year-old, pretendin'-to-be-in-high-school, so-punk-rawk-under-his-middle-aged-stubble ass wearing a Clash T-shirt?

That was horrifying.

I KNEW you were from Ithaca!

And Daphne, just deciding not to see Clerks in that strangely adamant way, well all I can say is it's your loss, as it's a very funny script with some cool performances.

Who's strangely adamant? I'm just not that interesting in seeing it. Does that mean I'll never watch it? Of course not. I just don't feel compelled to go and rent it. It's not a refusal to see it. Just that Pajiba's glowing review of C2 doesn't persuade me in the least. Plus, I have all of these expectations now because of all the hype.....which probably means that even if I watch it at this point, I will be invariably disappointed. Trust me, I've been told what I'm missing ad infinitum.

Clearly, I'm in the minority because I'm also not part of the group of GenXers that have a dripping disdain for the up and coming GenYers. And that might be because I'm on the tail end of the demographic (Gen X are those born btw '65 and '80, I think. I was born in '77.) There are lazy, unimaginative idiots in every generation, frankly, including mine.

For those of you critizing the younger generation for ruining the movies... remember it is YOUR older generation putting this crap on film. Some 40 year has forgotten what high school is actually like and has therefore bought into this bogus Hollywood "instant high school" formula. It is practically a pre-fab movie, all you have to do is madlib the names in.

Having not seen the movie (and not planning on it) I will work off the preview for the following observations:
a.) WHEN are they going to let go of this Jock/Cheerleader crap? (I almost expected the "Bring It On 7: Still trying pass off the same Black vs. White cheerleader movie as something new" preview following this one.)
b.) I don't remember ANY basketball players that can do a multiple flip slam dunk.
c.) Yes, boys in thongs as a "sports edge". I am very sure he could convince them that's a good idea.
d.) You know what, there is no d... except that the teen set is very dissapointed in you Hollywood...

Lordy, what a review! Mildly disturbing, entirely apt and painfully hilarious.

I love it when you review piece-of-shit movies that I had no intention of seeing. Makes me less angry when I see YET ANOTHER lame preview on TV because there's the prospect that I will get to read a review of it that is 10X more entertaining than the actual movie.

The film industry needs to let go of that whole "SLAPSTICK" approach to creating a comedic character,(i.e.) "Robin William's Vacation".The heydays of (The Three Stooges) are well ,how would one say ,"SI ACABO!"
translation:Over

Geetch: not sure if you were being sarcastic - I didn't know anyone else saw (or remembered) The Pirate Movie. I'm proud to admit I love it and probably always will. And MFG, I could not agree more with your sentiments. Thank God someone finally said something about it (while i was paying attention, that is LOL)!

Dustin, save me a bullet. When I read the comments regarding the similarities to Chasing Papi, I choked on the peanut I was eating. I wished the peanut would have lodged in my throat and killed me, just like I felt while I was watching that crap. On a totally unrelated note, Jesse's eyebrows would distract me throughout the movie!!!

Mr. Rowles, you have indeed discovered that only meta-reviews can even come close to responding to the butchery modern Hollywood now perpetrates against the world. Thank you. (The greatest of all sports is "skeeball," of course, but one can't be too hard on someone who's been through what you have.)

Meanwhile, anyone notice the name "Tom Cruise" being mysteriously edited out of the promo materials for TN -- replaced by "Oprah Winfrey," for some inscrutable reason? Xenu indeed....

Technically, Clueless was ours, too.

But it wasn't really that good.

Me and the better half wrestle with the remote to change the channel every time these awful commercials interrupt our reverant Simpsons stupor. Please please please make it stop! My wife screams at the Tucker commercials with the same vehemence she reserves for our Fearless Decider.

The only possible saving grace this flick could have had would be the "so-bad-its funny" avenue that some films offer us as an escape. Lucky for us, sadly for Dustin, we now know this is not the case, and we can move on to more useful pursuits, like hunting for spare change/uneaten cookies beneath the couch cushions.

Crayon, go see Scoop, it's delightful!

You guys keep talking about how this current generation has churned out crappy movies but it's really the previous generation (yours?) who's "grown up" now and is feeding it to them. What are these horrible things I keep hearing about Generation X? Let's not forget the 80's fashion you people were enslaved by.

do you really think Talledega Nights is gonna be good? I'm worried. I try to have faith in Will Ferrell, but remember that stupid kids soccer movie he was in before? That mighty ducks rip off? Ugh, I fear Ferrell may be nearing his sell-by-date

And McMurry, lets not forget that that same 80's fashion is being eagerly devoured by the highschoolers of today as if they invented it! [i.e. layering, joan jett haircuts, LEGGINGS!!!] LOL

Whatever happened to the "good" teen flicks, they seem to be all shitty PG-13 rated efforts starring Sophia Bush and whoever else suddenly decides to be an actor...and wear leggings under everything (thanks a fucking lot Lindsay Lohan!)...

So I had no idea who ANY of these actors were. Seriously. Never heard of ONE of them. So I did a quickie IMDB search, and focused a bit on Sophia Bush, since she was quite cute. And then I got distracted (as one often does on IMDB), and started reading the message boards for her... oh... Holy shit. THESE are the kids this movie is made for? These sub-literate, must-abbreviate-every-fucking-word halfwits?

We are seriously fucked people.

Seriously.

Because I bet this movie makes a fucking fortune. And then the next sound we'll hear will be the goddamn locusts.

My kingdom for another Fast Times, or Heathers, or hell, even another Mean Girls. But the whole brand of sneakily subversive teenage cinema has left us, desolate, alone, and praying for teenagers everywhere. Instead, we are left with saccharine, misogynistic garbage, with no soul or soundtrack. Whoever it was that mentioned the kid in Bring It On with the Clash t-shirt hit it RIGHT ON THE FUCKING HEAD.

And to those who say that the older folks hated my generation of films, there is one substantial difference. There is indeed a tendency to scoff at the films of the younger generation. But most can look back on Heathers or Fast Times or The Breakfast Club and see the brilliance they may have taken for granted. This is never, EVER going to happen with John Fucking Tucker. Thank GOD for Veronica Mars.

Hell in a handbasket, people. Hell in a goddamn handbasket.

ohh how i hope this opens in cinemas in Australia.

As a child of the 80's, I sometimes search for words to describe the general feeling of the decade, as the prevailing aura seems to be one of cynicism. Who can be blamed for that? Not the youth of today, as they are the brightest, most challenged, and most technically adept teenagers I've had the pleasure to meet. No, the fault lands squarely on our shoulders, as for some strange reason that I cannot comprehend, Hollywood executives who have the power to greenlight such crap continue to believe this upcoming generation isn't capable of appreciating the same sort or fare we were offered when we were growing up. This is *total bullshit*, people. There was an undercurrent of "fun" during the 80's that the kids recognize and wish to emulate, thus the curious desire to wear leggings (will layered, permed hair be next)!?! They have resorted to wearing LEGGINGS, fer crissakes!!! We have to offer them more in the entertainment world!

I would say I'm tired of renting John Hughes movies for my kids to watch, but of course that wouldn't be true as it's a pleasure to share them!

Oh, and my kids and I thought "10 Things I Hate About You" was indicative of a teen comedy today's Hollywood can produce when a focus is put on clever writing and enjoyable performances.

I think my generation has had a few good high school comedies. Didn't you see Ten Things I Hate About You? Priceless.

"Despite all the bootlicking going on and the fact that JTMD is a load of crap, this review absolutely reeks of "the greatest generation" vibe. You're just short one senior bus fare and a pond full of ducks."

Posted by: gravyboat at July 30, 2006 02:59 AM

I completely agree. Matt, you're too old for this movie. Let's face it, I doubt you were the target demographic...

hi when does this go on the cinema? can u email us please

This movie is crap, but the diatribe on our generation was uncalled for. Your generation was spoonfed just as much tripe and I'm sure someone in the previous generation found it just as appalling. We don't make this stuff. We're not old enough to greenlight Hollywood movies. Your generation makes this stuff and thinks we'll swalow it.

its the re-make of mean girls.
just with a few changes

Umm...I was wondering when this movie comes out on dvd?

This movie must die. What shocks me more than the sheer shittiness that is this film is that there are girls in my school who adore it. As in saying it's Oscar-worthy. Yeah, and Jeffrey Dahmer was a decent guy.

My heart sinks a little every time Hollywood churns out a movie like this. Basically because I am 18 years old, and I just KNOW that the next time I am at a friend's house, some of my friends will suggest a movie just like this, and I will object, and I will be overruled, and then be forced to waste time and sanity on some "intended-for-teens" Hollywood crap that insults my intelligence. Why has the designation "teen movie" become an excuse for Hollywood to turn out the most moronic, predictable, overdone formulas possible. It's frustrating that Hollywood aims these movies towards my generation, believing we don't require any sort of quality to watch a movie, and it's doubly frustrating that some of my friends accept it and enjoy it!

Bottom line: The scenario I predicted happened, I did end up seeing the movie because of the insistence of a few friends, my best friend loved it, I hated it, and this is the same best friend who loves Dane Cook, and thinks I'm weird because I loved "The Godfather". Sad.