Is That a Pajiba in Your Pants? Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?
The Daily Trade Round-Up / Dustin Rowles
Today we’re going to start out by dismissing a scurrilous, heinously ugly rumor floating around these webernets. We talked previously about Rawson Thurber’s (Dodgeball) upcoming big-screen no short-shorts-or-bushy-moustaches adaptation of Magnum P.I. And, while some of you are probably cold to the idea of yet another television remake, I’m willing to give this one the benefit of the doubt, if only because of the scantest of possibilities that Steve the Pirate will make a crossover appearance (c’mon, Mr. Thurber — the world will never get its fill of Steve the Pirate) and Rip Torn will throw wrenches at Higgins. Anyway, one site picked up on a rumor and, as tends to happen to movie blogs who’ve run out of creative ways feature glossy semi-nude photographs of starletards and are desperate to fill their daily post quota, others began to pick up on it, so that by early this week it had all but been made official: Nicolas Cage would be the next Magnum P.I.
Well, not that they actually give a shit — having already moved on to the umpteenth entry about Jessica Simpson’s Blonde Ambition so that they could throw in a giant-sized thumbnail of Ms. Simpson in her Daisy Dukes — but, the joke’s on them. This is what happens in Hollywood, see: Some big-ass Hollywood pillcock — hoping to have a face party on the nets — calls up his PR lady, gets her to plant a rumor, and then hangs out and waits to see what sticks. But, the truth is, from what I hear from a very reliable source (a friend who has a sister who slept with a guy who used to serve coffee to an assistant over at Universal Pictures), the script hasn’t even been completed and Mr. Cage doesn’t know shinola from Ghost Rider. So, chillax. Ease your fears. If someone is gonna fuck up your fond associations of Mr. P.I., it ain’t gonna be Nic Cage.
However, what is certain, as can only be expected after a intensely awesome indie horror flick is largely ignored in theaters and later finds an adoring audience on DVD, is that there will be a sequel to The Descent. Likewise, the script has not been completed, but more upsetting is that the original’s director, Neil Marshall, will not return to the director’s chair. However, like any good director, Marshall wants the financial rewards of a sequel without actually having to have his name closely associated with an inferior product, so he will be producing and the first film’s editor, Jon Harris, will make his directorial debut. Given the first film’s premise, the best we can hope for in a Descent 2 is an exact duplicate of the first, with flavor-of-the-moment actors, no feminist bent, and mainstream accessible American accents. Joy.
In other news the webernet denizers were duped into writing, Larry Wachowski is not now Lana Wachowski, as has been reported damn near everywhere. He’s still happily married to a woman that beats him senseless and, though he has been looking mighty feminine lately, his junk is still in order. Please, change your address books back to their original state.
Check out this cast: Robert DeNiro, Al Pacino, Dan Futterman, Brian Dennehy, John Lequizamo, and Carla Gugino. And, am I the only one that’s only really excited about Carla Gugino? I think that’s just how far DeNiro and Pacino have fallen in recent years. Granted, DeNiro was great in Stardust but only because his character was the last thing you’d expect from DeNiro. But, if you take out Donnie Brasco and Angels in America, the last time that these two were in a really great movie was the last time they shared the screen, in Heat. That was 12 years ago. Well, I wouldn’t expect too much from this particular film, called Righteous Kill, if only because it comes from writer Russell Gewirtz — whose Inside Man was a cool disappointment — and director Jon Avnet, whose dry streak is even longer than DeNiro and Pacino’s. Carla Gugino, on the other hand: Consistently smokin’.
Elsewhere, Scott Rudin has bought the film rights to I, Claudius and some undisclosed parties (read: Leo’s PR folks) think that Leonardo DiCaprio would make a good lead, though no offers have been made. Here’s me making absolutely no attempt to pull my ass out of this chair to go see it when it makes it to your local multiplex. This movement even comes with a sound effect; let’s call it: The Negative Whoosh.
This weekend, we’re going to bring you reviews of 3:10 to Yuma, Shoot ‘Em Up and Brothers Solomon. And while I appreciate the many of you who nag us in the comment section on Fridays for reviews of certain films, please keep in mind our reviewing policy and rest assured, we’ll get it up as soon as humanly possible. The summer season is over, so the bastards at Regal Cinemas have taken away the pre-noon screenings, at least until the holiday season arrives.
However, until the reviews start popping up on the site this afternoon, you can chew on the trailer for the next Frank Darabount adaptation of a Stephen King film, The Mist. I like Thomas Jane and Darabount gets one more free pass, but I have to say, unless this is a television movie, I’m not feeling it.
And, if after watching that trailer, you find yourself looking for a timesuck this morning, check out the The Juggernaut, from VH1’s World Series of Pop Culture blog. We don’t condone VH1’s new association with Perez Hilton, but — what can I say — the “World Series of Pop Culture” is kind of great.
11th Hour, The | | Shoot 'Em Up
Comments
Magnum PI with Steve the Pirate? They've got my $7.50! Cram it in your Cram hole, Cage!
I was also indifferent to The Mist trailer when I saw it. I couldn't put my finger on it. But you're right, it looks like a tv movie -- and possibly a bad one at that. But hey, that's what I thought of the Stardust trailer too.
I luvs me some World Series of Pop Culture. And I keep thinking...if I could be on there, what would be my team name? Hmm.. maybe I'll save it for another Afternoon Comment Diversion?
Posted by: wsapnin at September 7, 2007 8:49 AM
I think every movie should feature at least a cameo from Steve the Pirate, even if it's Stan Lee-esque (definitely not Taratino-esque or Shyamalan-esque though).
As far as the trailer goes: I dunno, I think the whole "crazy Bible-thumping Christian" character has become way too tired, I think mostly because people like that are extremely few and far between.
Posted by: Renee at September 7, 2007 9:30 AM
Uh, you know, your linked review of Inside Man doesn't really suggest you were all that disappointed in it.
Posted by: Todd at September 7, 2007 9:32 AM
Dammit. I haven't read King in years, but I always thought The Mist was his best horror story. There's no way they can match the gross-giant-bugginess that my mind created. And they'll totally f-up the brilliant ending, because American audiences can't stand ambiguity.
Posted by: fenchurch at September 7, 2007 9:37 AM
Been looking forward to The Mist ever since I heard that Darabount would direct it. The story gave me nightmares (for a little while), and I can't see Darabount making a decision to spice up the ending - he'll stay true to the source material and leave it ambiguous...
And one of the crew at AICN has a good write up of the days he spent on set, if you don't mind the spoilers (but if you've read the book, do they really count as spoilers?).
Posted by: malikvlc at September 7, 2007 10:09 AM
I would love to see remake of I, Claudius; although, I really don't care who plays Claudius. What I want to know is who is going to play Livia? Now that's THE role in that movie.
Did you know that the Derek Jacobi version was a remake? There was a 1937 version starring Charles Laughton, that was never finished. There's a 1965 documentary called "The Epic That Never Was" which shows all the surviving footage, plus interviews with the author, Robert Graves. Merle Oberon was Messalina, and she was in a horrible car crash that messed up her face, so they just stopped the movie and never replaced her. If you rent the Derek Jacobi version on DVD, the documentary is on there. Very interesting to watch.
Posted by: BWeaves at September 7, 2007 10:19 AM
"Nicolas Cage would be the next Magnum P.I...."
*screeeeeech*
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!?!?!
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 7, 2007 10:25 AM
I was pleasantly surprised with how much I enjoyed the sequel to "28 Days Later".
I loved "The Descent" more than I can express. Many couples have a song that reminds them of their relationship. My boyfriend and I have "The Descent", and it makes me feel all warm inside.
That being said, I'll hope for good things. If it's trash, I'll always have the original.
Posted by: David at September 7, 2007 10:49 AM
"I Claudius" was awesome. I recently rented it from Netflix and loved it all over again, cheesy stage settings and all (and the documentary is indeed a must-see). Livia was pure eee-vil, can't even think of who would play her.
Posted by: nancy at September 7, 2007 10:50 AM
I don't know, I am very willing to go see The Mist. Number one, the short story is just totally freaky, and Frank Darabont has a good track record with King stories in my opinion (he's one of the only director's I've seen who gets that the true horror of the stories has nothing to do with the "monsters").
MORE STEVE THE PIRATE!! Yarrrrr
Posted by: vaguelyamish at September 7, 2007 10:54 AM
I think that trailer for "The Mist" looks exactly how I remember the short story. Sign me up.
Posted by: S.K. at September 7, 2007 11:00 AM
I thought that Nic Cage was banished to the Hell Of Being Cut To Pieces after Ghost Rider. No? Bummer.
Wait... there's a guy on the team who dresses like a pirate?
Posted by: TK at September 7, 2007 11:04 AM
i think i might be able to my trust in a sequel for the descent. i may just be full of huge amounts of BS, but the descent is probably the scariest movie i've seen in about 10 years.
Posted by: citizen_cris at September 7, 2007 11:10 AM
TK: You'll have to ask our fitness consigliere.... Vermillion.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 7, 2007 11:14 AM
Yeah, the Descent sequel is going to be teh suck, but that won't stop my mom from dragging me to see it. She loves the original.
The Mist is also one of my favorite King stories (his best medium IMO). It looks like Darabont goes for a very literal retelling which doesn't always bode well for King's book-to-film projects. (See the original The Shining versus the tv movie adaptation.)
I have to take you to task for the linked picture you of Mr/Ms. Wachowski. That image isn't recent. It's from the Matrix: Reloaded premiere a few years back. You can catch a glimpse of the film's poster in the background.
Those rumors of his transgendered status have been floating about the web for at least two years now. A gossip site posted what they claim to be recent shots of him sporting rather long hair and wearing a woman's suit.
Curiouser and curiouser.
Posted by: Alabamapink at September 7, 2007 12:36 PM
As long as a Descent sequel is NOTHING like that Americanized piece of crap The Cave, I'll probably end up seeing it. I am a sucker for the sequel.
I really enjoyed Inside Man. Of course, I have decided that Clive Owen can do no wrong so that might have helped.
Posted by: Smello at September 7, 2007 1:03 PM
Wahhh!!!! Totally unrelated to anything in this post, but I just read that Tobey Maguire has bought the movie rights to Robotech, and plans to star in the films. Is nothing sacred?!?!?!?!
Sorry, my inner geek had to spew this somewhere, and I know I'm not the only Pajibian with fond memories of Rick and the gang.
Posted by: pinkcheese at September 7, 2007 1:16 PM
pinkcheese, I just read that on CHUD, and it gave me full-body shudder.
And smello, The Cave was the best horror movie made in the last 10 years, 1000 times better than the Descent. I mean, Cole Hauser? Morris Chestnut? That skinny chick from Coyote Ugly? Fucking cinematic GOLD!
OK, I'm going to go drown myself in a urinal after writing that.
Posted by: TK at September 7, 2007 2:19 PM
there will be a sequel to The Descent
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The first movie to make me sleep with the lights on since watching Them when I was 7 years old, and Hollywood has to go and shit all over it.
I weep.
Posted by: elyssadc at September 7, 2007 2:21 PM
A few months ago, my bookclub somehow decided that "I, Claudius" was a good choice to read......I felt like I was in school. Why would I want to spend a month reading this crap and then waste a perfectly good wine buzz discussing it with other people who clearly resented having to read it as well? And now ANOTHER film? My hate is complete.
Posted by: Finn at September 7, 2007 3:30 PM
Heat was a really great movie, Dustin?
Listen, I respect both your opinions and the people of Pajiba, but this is where I'll have to draw the line. Heat is pretty easily my least favorite of any of DeNiro or Pacino's work, and that includes De Palma's Greetings.
Posted by: Samuel B. Prime at September 7, 2007 4:35 PM
Huh.. wasn't DiCaprio fighting with someone over the rights to World War Z?
The Descent rocked my world.. and coming out of it i had a feeling it'd be given a sequel.. and I hoped that it'd be the 'Aliens' to the 'Alien' of The Descent.
Posted by: Ray at September 7, 2007 9:22 PM
While I enjoyed The Descent I can't say that there is any earthly force that will make me watch the sequel.
Every time I attempt to watch Heat I fall asleep, I don't know what it is about that movie but by now I'm pretty sure it's turned into a Pavlovian type response with me.
Posted by: Alex the Odd at September 10, 2007 10:27 AM