Pajiba

Last night while walking home I realized no matter how much I want to hate Nicholas Cage for various sins against celluloid... he did "Bringing out the Dead" which was a fantastic fucking movie.

Oh well.

Please tell me that the extra 'f' in Effron up there was on purpose. If so, nicely done.

I really enjoy Stan Rice's, I mean Anne Rice's, novels a lot. It be a shame for Tom Cruise to ruin another one of Stan's novels. Sorry. Anne's novels. Anne wrote the novels. Right?

no shit, christian bale for reals? in other news, i saw keri russell last night in waitress and she was just darling; and andy griffith was hilarious as well. too bad she's going to star alongside adam sandler, what a waste.

And you didn't even include my joke about finding the perfect woman for Joe Francis! Curses! How I hate to let a perfectly good joke go to waste.

I heard you were trying to make fun of me? I missed it, I was hanging out with Gisele Bundchen and being undefeated.

I've got to ask a stupid question; you may all mock me as soon as I am answered. For the life of me I cannot figure out what the second picture in the Pajiba header is. It's Swingers, girl who's maybe Kate Winslet but for the hair, Fight Club, Firefly, Bottle Rocket and American Beauty. Surely I get cred for knowing the rest, r-r-right?

Sarah, it's the poster for 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,' and yep, that's Winslet.

...a horror movie with some sort of man-eating teeth-vag? Who stole Eli Roth's next idea? Come on, somebody better own up.

Tom Brady does not appreciate your Nic Cage comparison.

For this, he will crush you.

Sarah, that would be Kate Winslet from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind...and thank you: hate to admit it, but until now, I didn't know that was Bottle Rocket. (hanging head in shame)

Now, to be fair to Sandler (or more to the point, to extend some hope to Keri Russell fans), as I recall, a couple of those gals hadn't done anything of note for a long time before being his leading lady either (I'm looking at you, Winona). Rather than sending them there, perhaps he merely borrows them from the bottomless pit of obscurity?

Err, not to imply that Keri is obscure, she is actually quite delightful and I hope she proves to be an exception!

Re: Nicholas Cage

He's thinking about making sequels to both National Treasure and Ghost Rider? Please, can someone just hit him with a bus before he pollutes the big screens with more of the same crap? The first parts of each series were awful enough! Why does he feel the need to shovel more of it at us?

Tom Cruise was the worst part of Interview with the Vampire-- and in a film that craptacular, that's saying something.

The plot of Tale of the Body Thief is basically that some guy trades bodies with Lestat, so Other Guy is all preternatural and crazy and Lestat is some mortal guy who basically rapes a girl and sleeps with a nun. Body-switching hijinks ensue, and in the end everyone has their preternatural bodies back where they preternaturally belong, except for some old guy whose body got killed while he wasn't in it, so he's now all young and hot and gets turned into a vampire, so that there can be more preternaturally attractive vampires hot for each other.

Now, just think of Tom Cruise doing this.

Preternatural, huh?

Well played, Ella. Well played. -- DR

When I was a little Gloomcookie I loved Anne Rice. But I could never get over how the only word she knew that was a synonym for palpable was palpable. She used that word more than she used preternatural. Also, I was annoyed that her vampires could never have sex.

As to Teeth... does her vagina somehow attach to her digestive system? Otherwise, there's a bunch of bitten off parts that are stuck up her cooter just hanging out. Because, well, how do you clean that shit if it just spontaneously bites like a venus fly trap on meth? I mean, what about tampons? What about your own fingers when YOU get frisky?! I mean, if it's still a muscle she should be able to control who and/or what it bites!

These are serious questions people! I need answers!

Zac Effron! I hate that kid. And I love Matthew Perry. Damn it. Damn it all.

Who cares if Cruise gets to make another vampire movie? "Queen of the Damned" already ruined the series; we're just not allowed to talk about it because Aaliyah died. Anne Rice further sullied herself by selling the rights to Elton John for that craptastic musical. It was like a big hairy mole on the porcelain ass on one of her creatures of the night: few people saw it, but nobody will look at them the same way again.

Unfortunately, Tom Cruise would be moving in a positive direction. Let's face it: sooner or later we're going to have to start reading.

Teeth seriously looks like the cheesiest, craptastic B-Movie ever. I will be watching it, for sure. I mean, a teeth vag?? I could laugh for hours at just that! And I'm sober (well, right now, at least).

Scarlett - Seriously, though, how IS the teeth monster connected to the vag? Are the teeth on the labia, or what? Why doesn't she just do anal? I mean, that's what I would do if I had a penis-eating teeth vag...

When we saw the trailer for National Treasure on the picture show my friend almost peed herself with excitement. Then, as a true Pajibaian should, I started to laugh and point at her really loudly and mock her movie choices. I shamed her, SHAMED!

It might be because I am still a yung'n but I love Zac Efron and all his cheesy-ness. I have a friend that I am giving a Zac Effron pillow to actually (she is really weird). Nothing beats trailer night with a big heapin' helpin' of High School Musical, especially when all the college age girls know all the words to the songs. I actually had a discussion with a 7 year old the day after HSM 2 came out about which song was our favorite. SHAMED! SHAMED!

ps. Yes I know I just called myself a true Pajibaian, and then expressed a big

It just dawned on me while looking at the picture header for the round-up, but perhaps Cruise wants to do another vampire picture so he can suck on men's necks without having to do so in the comfort of his own home or on John Travoltas personal jet.

It's like a get-out-of-gay-jail card for the man!

I kind of liked Spanglish...*cringing in fear of retaliation*
and I thought Tea Leoni was good considering her only other role worth mentioning was in "Flirting with Disaster" (also with the lovely Patricia Arquette)

fucking Poison lyrics!!!! Is this Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure?

That kid from Nip/Tuck is skeezy as hell.

Speaking of Tom Brady, did anybody else feel like crying last night after that game? Fuck you Brady, you don't deserve to be this good.

*looking at Finn* You sicken me...

Anyway, Tea Leoni's career is right where it needs to be, leave it there. I remember when ABC gave her that crappy series and actually touted her as, "the next Lucille Ball" I. SHIT. YOU. NOT.

Bale on T4 = Barbado at the cinema, opening day.

Cruise in another Rice ga...err.. vampire flick, the suck will be, palpable.

I didn't even realize that there was mention of Nicholas Cage in this Round-Up until I read the comments. My selective reading was protecting me from that douche.

And MO, you took the words right out of my mouth. I mean, seriously, did Tea Leoni ever do anything of note besides marrying David Duchovny?

What Teeth needs is some animated Timon and Pumbaa singing "Vagina Dentata". Nathan Lane hasn't been doing much lately. Must have acted with Adam Sandler.

Hahaha, The Naked Truth was supposed to make her the next Lucille Ball? Oh man, that show sucked hard.

I guess I could really start a shit-storm and remind everyone of the x-mas classic, "The Family Man" starring Tea Leoni AND Nicolas Cage......

Damn you, insertclevernamehere, if I start singing that out loud in my cubicle, I am so kicking your ass!!!

Damn you, insertclevernamehere, if I start singing that out loud in my cubicle, I am so kicking your ass!!!

Gudrun : No shit on not noticing Cage I had to read the article three times before it registered and even then, it looked blurry as if my brain refuses to even recognize such a word configuration.

and who knows what's going to become of Jessica Biel after Chuck and Larry?
I thought Kevin James played the girl in Chuck and Larry

Barbadoslim: Eventually we would have seen the trailer, though. At least this way we're prepared.

Finn: Oh, The Family Man! SO HORRIBLE YET SO TOPICAL

I am pretty sure Emily Watson is a British Actress who mostly does British film, that is why she has not been around.

I don't know what's better about that trailer - the boy from Nip/Tuck witn a thing for transexuals as the boyfriend or the Poison shoutout at the end

I think maybe Christian Bale really likes challenges (like maybe when he gets a script he thinks, 'man, this is probably gonna suck. Unless...') remember Equilibrium? So bad, yet so good, and all because of the performances.

Sorry Finn, didn't see your comment when I wrote mine

Is that serious? Fangs in a chick's vajayjay? Seriously? That's seriously all I can say?

Seriously?

Glad to see someone shares my opinion, Brian! Now if only you liked Spanglish.......

Fangs in a chick's vajayjay?

THAT is not a question I see posed very often. It's one of the few things that makes me simultaneously giggle and cringe.

Many years ago, I read a Playboy interview with Stephen King. When asked to name a personal fear of his, he said, "the vagina dentata, the vagina with teeth," and then went on to describe what it meant.

It was the first time in my life I had ever heard of this bizarre male anxiety. It is so common and so old it has a Latin name.

I was a young thing then, and reading that taught me a very, very valuable lesson about men:

All y'all are fucking crazy.

It's not really your fault; but just the same, fucking crazy, allaya.

Finn, it's ok. I liked Spanglish too. The plot, not Adam Sandler. Although I hated Tea Leoni in it. I just wanted to kick her in the face.

I like to watch Interview with the Vampire just for the raging homoeroticism. I wonder if Tom could be so restrained in a sequel.

Scarlett raised some good questions. If Teeth girl got frisky, could she control the biting mechanism, or would she bite off her own fingers? Would that be considered cannibalism?

didn't we already have a day's worth of discussions about this Teeth movie, like two or three months ago? i seem to remember vagina dentata coming up in a Pajiba Love, or something.

or do i just have some sort of a, oh i dunno, preternatural ability to see these things coming?

i dunno, i've always kinda liked Tea Leoni. she's like a poor man's, slightly less crazy, Sharon Stone. granted it wasn't a really good movie but You Kill Me was kinda fun and i enjoyed it. same goes for Spanglish (although that might have been because of Paz Vega. DAMN she's beautiful).

and what's with the "for reals" and "vajajay" usage going on here? did Perez Hilton hack the site, or something?

What if C. Bale liked the idea of the franchise and went all fanboy when he got the offer?

I think I like that idea so much because it would be sooo dorky, and dorks are hot.

I love that no one's corrected the spelling of Cage's name; because no one cares and he doesn't deserve it. LOVE IT.

didn't we already have a day's worth of discussions about this Teeth movie, like two or three months ago? i seem to remember vagina dentata coming up in a Pajiba Love, or something.
or do i just have some sort of a, oh i dunno, preternatural ability to see these things coming?
It definitely came up before. I'm surprised no one's mentioned it. Surely you all read everything on Pajiba, and surely you wouldn't forget something like that. Wasn't it some girl carrying out vigilantesque attacks on would be rapists??

I read the "Vampire" series up through the book where Lestat goes to Hell, and then to Heaven where he actually SEES JESUS! (Sorry, I don't remember the actual title, but it came after Tale of the Body Thief.) Somehow, it doesn't change Lestat in the least. I, however, decided that Rice had taken a pretty good franchise such as vampires and bled that sucker dry (pun intended). Seriously, she could have stopped after the second book in the series and had two pretty good books, instead of 5 or 6 crappy Lestat ones.

Incidentally, did anyone see Rice's indignation in the Amazon reader review section when someone criticized her? Talk about preternaturally overreacting! Sorry, I couldn't find the exact entry, so I can't refer you there.

I remeber the Conversation of the Biting VaJayJay in the reviews/recaps of Sundance and, as Dustin mentioned, that he didn't like it.

Finn - I haven't seen Spanglish (so at least I'm not disagreeing with you).

I have, however, been humming that damm Poison song all day. was actually singing it in the stairwell here at work - got an eyefull from someone.

It did remind of one my favorite Simpsons episodes - when Otto gets ingaged only to ahve the wedding called off because of his love of metal and Poison in particular - even hired a Poison cover band for the wedding (Cynaide - that I had to look up).

Now I know that I am going to get blasted for this because of the strength and depth of the Nicolas Cage hate on this page, but I just watched Raising Arizona again and godamn if that isn't one of those movies that you can watch over and over again and still bust out laughing. And y'all know it wouldn't have been the same without Nicky boy.

I don't see the point of another Terminator movie or the stupid TV show they're about to air, but... whatever. Maybe Bale really likes the story and they're offering a ton of money. What, he's an artiste, so he can't make a ton of money? I got no problem with it.

But Sandler... I hesitate to call for the death of another person, but I think I'm just about there with Sandler. Why do studios keep giving him money to appear in movies? Why? Is Hollywood so bereft of good ideas that ones from Sandler don't seem so bad? Sandler's movie makes the fourth Terminator one seem like "The Maltese Falcon" by comparison.

Posted by: Rahel at December 4, 2007 6:02 PM

I think most of us here agree, Cage hate is post-Raising Arizona. MY annoyance with him really flourished the exact same day Gone in Sixty Seconds came out. Just thinking about him doing that fast/slow/fast speech thing he started doing around that time compounded by Giovanni Ribisi doing retarded annoying tool guy" gives me an urge to kill en masse.

By God, every movie should be tagged with a Poison lyric.

So her vagina eats men? Pshh, that's not horror. I know a few girls who that movie could easily be based on.

So after Hard Candy we have Dentata in the castration fantasy wing of the torture porn film division. What's next, a series of torture porn movies about anal fisting? They make these kinds of movies already, they're called snuff films or better yet the Faces of Death series. Welcome to 1978.

"....What's next, a series of torture porn movies about anal fisting?..."

Links please!

Couldn't Adam Sandler star in the vampire thing, Tom Cruise in the romantic comedy thing, Christian Bale in Ghost Rider and Matthew Perry in T4? Not sure where that leaves Nick Cage or Zack thingy, plaque build-up in the toothy twat, perhaps...

I dunno, inserting my pecker in an orifice with teeth has never stopped me before. Does she floss if hair gets caught between the teeth?

Couldn't Adam Sandler star in the vampire thing, Tom Cruise in the romantic comedy thing, Christian Bale in Ghost Rider and Matthew Perry in T4? Not sure where that leaves Nick Cage or Zack thingy, plaque build-up in the toothy twat, perhaps...

I'm sorry, but Hairspray was a pretty great film...directed by "one of the absolute shittiest directors in the land" and starring one Zac "Effron". But, then again I too enjoy High School Musical without a hint of irony. As long as there's booze.
Anyone interested in my High School Musical 2 drinking game, just in time for the DVD release next week? Guaranteed to get you schnockered!

HSM2 showed on commercial TV last weekend (ie Australia)...and my first thought was 'I should turn this into a drinking game' except I already felt like crap and decided it wasn't worth the pain. What can I say. I love camp-tastic crap films...I can't explain it. And the Hairspray soundtrack was my comfort when I was in Germany on my own, where I didn't know a soul, and didn't speak a word of the language. Can't explain that either.

I was a regular viewer of "Flying Blind" with Corey Parker, so I was on the Leoni ground floor. Didn't get excited about anything after though.

No one knows what I'm talking about when I mention "Jennifer Slept Here" either (though they always ask "is it like [other ghost show I've never heard of]?")

I started having vagina dentata nightmares after reading too much Clive Barker as a teenager. Later, Wicked City would compound those nightmares and incorporate spindly spider woman as well... Now it kind of turns me on... Hold me mummy.

Mistress Violet,

You are one hell of a woman.

Oh. Another thing I remembered. Zac Efron might be crap, but it doesn't change the fact he was in Firefly. I don't know who I'm meant to hate for that...

Now, I hate Nicolas Cage as much as the next man - an anti-Cage rant is curiously effective in pulling the ladies, I've found - but he's a worryingly prominent presence in my DVD collection.

*browses imdb*

Nineteen films?! What the fuck?

I've never corrected anyone before, mostly because it would make me feel like a douche, but I have to say... Humbert Humbert. T. HumberT.

Anyway, moving on... am I the only one who read one of Anne Rice's books where Lestat goes down on a menstruating woman because he's thirsty? I think at that point I threw it away and never touched the pox that is Anne Rice again.

Christian Bale can do pretty much anything, I think. It's sad, but I'd go see him in anything. Along with Cillian Murphy, he's on the very small list of guys I'd pay to watch while they read through the yellow pages. And I loved Equilibrium. GUN KATA! Oh my god. Gonna go swoon or orgasm or something now.

I must say I do like Mr. Malcontent's ideas for using Christian Bale to restart other franchises (to find, follow the Sharprton link in Pajiba Love and then go to the main page of the blog)

The only way I can half-way stand Anne Rice is to listen to her recorded books. The editing is done there that should have been done in the first place.

That said, I still haven't got over Daniel Day-Lewis losing the role in Interview With a Vampire to TC. Cruise himself is a toothy twat.

Is it so wrong to lust after an actor who I first saw when he was a child, and I was an adult? Ah, the shame of Christian Bale love.

It always takes me a minute to sepatare Nick Cave and Nick Cage, just because their names sound the same.

But it's leads me to a fun game: next time you are forced to sit through a craptacular Cage film, substitute Cave in your mind. Imagine how awesome Cavey would have been in Backdraft? And moody, angsty, sullen firefighter. Who sings angrily. Awesome.

Couldn't Adam Sandler star in the vampire thing, Tom Cruise in the romantic comedy thing, Christian Bale in Ghost Rider and Matthew Perry in T4? Not sure where that leaves Nick Cage or Zack thingy, plaque build-up in the toothy twat, perhaps...

That marks the first time I have laughed out loud in days, so thank you. Could you please move to Hollywood and get work at a studio? You could make a change for good in the world.

Cruise himself is a toothy twat.

Okay, and that was the second time I've lol'ed in forever.

I just like how in that godawful trailer (which I lmao all the way through) they name the main character Dawn O'Keefe. Way to *cough*subtly*cough* pay homage to the most vagina obsessed painter of all time.