I'm Jack Bauer, and My Blood is in Your Veins
"24" / The TV Whore
January 11, 2007
OK, look, I enjoy “24” as much as the next guy. I’ve watched every minute from the very beginning of Day 1, and I’ll be the first to admit that it’s generally entertaining as hell, and almost as addictive as crack. And yes, last season was a marked improvement over some of the earlier seasons, harkening back to that Day 1. That being said, folks need to stop claiming that there is some great drama going on here. It won last year’s Best Drama Emmy, for fuck’s sake and, quite frankly, it ain’t great drama. It’s unbelievably over the top, requiring more suspension of disbelief than any reasonable person should ever have to muster, and this is coming from a guy who’s willing to believe in Cylons, in 30-year-olds routinely playing high school kids, in a cute little SoCal college freshman being one of the best detectives in the country and in a serial-killer-hunting serial killer who works for the police, among other things. If you want a very good drama about terrorists and the people who stop them, go check out the two “Sleeper Cell” miniseries from Showtime.
But, if you are a fan of “24”, the first four hours of this sixth day don’t disappoint. The over-the-top has been ratcheted up a good deal (while the quality of writing has diminished inversely), but it’s still as entertaining and addicting as ever. Now, before we get into any specifics, lemme just give you fair warning. I really won’t give away much more than what you’ll learn rather early in the first episode, but if you simply want to know absolutely nothing about the new season at all, best go read my 2006 Year in Review column instead. Likewise, there will be some “spoilers” from earlier seasons, particularly Day 5, so if you’re one of The DVD Folks, keep on movin’ on.
OK. So the most recent longest day in Jack Bauer’s life starts at 6 a.m., and we quickly learn that over the past 11 weeks our country has been getting pounded with terrorist attacks. Buses, trains, malls — shit’s getting blown up left and right. We still have a President Palmer, but it’s not that President Palmer, since he’s too busy kicking ass on “The Unit” and, you know, being dead on this show. David Palmer’s brother Wayne is president now, and poor Wayne just doesn’t know what to do about our country going to hell in a hand basket. Thanks to a rather lame plot contrivance, however, New President Palmer negotiates for Jack’s release from China, for some unstated-yet-melodramatic “high price.” This was a rather big disappointment, quite frankly, as it would’ve been nice to have something a little different to start Day 6, at least for an hour or two, with some type of elaborate rescue (although I guess that would leave the whole season stuck in China, since it would take a tad too long to fly back to the states in real time). Ah well.
And speaking of Jack’s vacation in China, he was there for about 20 months. According to the ever kinda-sorta trusty hive over on Wikipedia, this puts the current day somewhere around 2011. You know, with the show being set in the future and all that, couldn’t they throw us a bone and tell us who won some NFL playoff games or something? For crying out loud — the TV Whore could use a little help in making his weekend parlay bets!
Anyway, Jack’s back, and since we have another 24 hours to fill, it will surprise no one to learn that he’s got his work cut out for him. So he quickly gets into doing what he was brought in to do, although he first takes a time-out for a shave and a haircut (two bits!). This took no more than eight minutes, which is ridiculous considering just how much hair and beard he had — hell, it takes me 10 minutes to get a good clean shave with a couple days’ worth of stubble (which is why advise you to remember to check your brain at the door). Plus, it was a stupid idea to clean him up so early because I think the show would’ve been well served to give us scruff-and-gruff Jack for a bit. Sadly, we’re deprived that enjoyment. But while he’s once again clean, our new Jack does carry some rather deep psychological scars (which match the gruesome physical scars he now has). This is actually a rather nice touch, but it’s something I fear will quickly be ignored and forgotten, much like that heroin withdrawal he had back in season three.
The show moves along, as the opening hours of “24” often do, at a pretty frenetic pace. Along with Wayne Palmer, we’re introduced to a couple of other familiar faces who have stuck around for the fun, including a slightly-less-annoyed Chloe, Milo (the computer nerd from season one, played by Eric Balfour), Curtis, and Bill Buchanan. And at some point down the road, we know that we’ll see some more of Gregory Itzin and Jean Smart and, personally, I can’t wait to see what ridiculous shit is thrown at us to get the disgraced ex-president back into things. But there are also several new faces — I’m particularly excited about Peter MacNicol, who plays an advisor to the president (and he’s free to perform the task since his “Numb3rs” character was conveniently sent, literally, into space for six months). There’s also Regina King as a new Palmer, which is amusing if you ever watched “The Boondocks,” as she also provides voices on that show — every time she talks, I just hear Huey Freeman. But the most entertaining new face is Kal Penn, Kumar of Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle! I say “most entertaining” because he gets the honor of being in the storyline that, for at least the first four hours, is by far the most ludicrous of them all. Just silly, in fact. Must be all the pot he’s been smoking.
However, it’s not the most ludicrous single plot-point. That award goes to (and again, I’m not hurting you by telling you this, as you learn it rather early on), whatever writer decided that it was plausible to have the President of the United States give a former terrorist full, unbridled access to all of our monitoring satellites and “surveillance protocols.” I mean, it’s actually almost brilliant in its sheer audacity and willingness to fly in the face of any type of logic or common sense.
The writers do have one thing a bit more grounded in reality (and its plausibility is a sad statement of the current political terrain), which is the government’s choice to tread on civil liberties in the name of security. You get the sense that the writers want to use this as an opportunity to play out some real weighty issues. Make this show into a real drama, with substance! Unfortunately, the dialogue stumbles along like a second-grade report on civil rights, as the writers are apparently ill-equipped to deal with the intricacies and meat of this topic. So it ends up feeling more like listening to Donald Trump tell us about morality and civil rights than watching, say, a Ted Koppel special.
It’s tough to say much more about the show without getting into things you probably don’t want to know ahead of time. But here’s a quick-hit list of some things you can expect, and some other random thoughts I have about the show:
You can expect many people at CTU to break all types of protocols and security procedures without getting fired or thrown in jail or punished in any way.
When will the terrorists learn that they should just stay the hell away from Los Angeles, which is where our government’s only competent tool appears to be (and how is it that Jack Bauer is the only agent in the whole damn country capable of doing anything)?
You can expect more stupid and contrived romantic entanglements between characters.
You can expect to learn a really neat trick for getting a free bus or subway ride, courtesy of one Jack Bauer.
You can expect at least one continuity problem (it’s a very small one — one episode refers to something in Chicago, and in the next episode it’s suddenly St. Louis — but the lack of attention to detail doesn’t bode well).
You can expect a very annoying and manufactured way to “shockingly” write out a character, which may leave some fans pissed.
I can’t say more here without giving too much away, but I really wish this show were on another network and that I were president of that network, because I would’ve pulled a knock-out crossover with another show that would’ve had folks reeling (if you want to know more specifically, ask me again next Tuesday and I’ll add something here or in the comments).
And finally, you can expect to see Kiefer reprise, at least for a moment, the best role he’s ever played:
Seth Freilich is Pajiba’s television columnist. He’s already run out the door to finally buy The Lost Boys because, with vampires and the Coreys, how can you go wrong?
Pajiba Love 01/10/06 | | Pajiba Love 01/11/07
Comments
I used to really foam at the mouth for this show, but last season did nothing for me. Really, it's becoming a conglomeration of a few different types of scenes...
Type 1: CTU. Chloe, looking pissed: "I'll re-task the router satellite to image the security overlay subsystem toilet water siskel ebert server terminal for you Jack, but don't tell anyone, kthx!" Other person: "OMG you b0rked protocol!" Chloe is not slapped by anyone.
Type 2: Jack tortures _________ without mercy, plays with his cell phone.
Type 3: Terrorists kill 14 people and 5 kittens, don't laugh or slap Chloe.
Type 4: Shit blows up. Jack is unhurt.
Type 5: The president watches FOX News, pines for Jack.
Not really excited for this season at all, but I'll probably watch it anyway. Damn it.
Posted by: Jeremy at January 11, 2007 11:30 AM
No matter what you say, I CAN'T FREAKIN' WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: dammitjanet at January 11, 2007 12:31 PM
I'm a 24 addict, but I think the show would be a lot better if they changed the name to 16 and cut the number of episodes accordingly.
Posted by: johnny at January 11, 2007 12:36 PM
something tells me i should get down on my knees and thank god everyday i havent gotten hooked on this show....maybe that something is when i hear people at the federal level interviewed and they say we should be able to do things like they do on 24.....
Posted by: Baron Wilhelm von Meadows the Third at January 11, 2007 1:04 PM
Big 24 fan, here. And I'm an unabashed, indiscriminate 24 fangirl and, to me, Jack Bauer can do no wrong.
Really, though, I'm only commenting to say that the picture at the top of Lost Boys Kiefer and the 24 logo made me laugh heartily for a good, long while!! Hahahahaha!!!
Posted by: Jelinas at January 11, 2007 1:14 PM
I can't wait either, although I'm already getting a headache from all the disbelief-suspending that's in store for me. But I love me some Kiefer, so that's OK.... I also must confess to watching "Lost Boys" anytime I see it on the tube (best ending line of a movie, EVER).
I do hope Gregory Itzin returns this season- he was brilliant.
Posted by: nancy at January 11, 2007 2:08 PM
Jonny, you're right. I've always thought that. There's always a scene or even a couple of episodes that just seem like filler so that the full 24 hours can be accounted for. Even season one had some crappy moments (ie. Jack's wife and the amnesia. I didn't really mind the amnesia per se, but more the fact that she regained all of her memories at the most convenient moment... like 15 minutes later. It made it seem like such a wasteful plot point). I'm a DVD person because of that fact. I haven't even seen season five yet... It's just easier to watch over a few evenings as opposed to waiting a week between each episode. That way I don't have to suspend disbelief to the point of annoyance, and I can quickly get to the more fully developed scenes after a string of filler.
I love 24 sooo much. Just those beeping noises at the clock ticking get me all excited. But I think its format allows it to be kind of cheesy and silly sometimes.
Posted by: kayla at January 11, 2007 3:57 PM
i enjoy the show immensely but can't stand it when people say that it's the "best show ever ever ever". are these people dumb? do they really not notice the contrived plots and dialogue? keifer is very cute and all, but for christsake! he's not a very good actor.
(and i will be watching day 6, or whatever it is now- but i am a "dvd folk" so i'll have to wait almost a year to see it)
Posted by: urs at January 11, 2007 5:35 PM
i'm very happy not to feel so lonley anymore regarding my feelings on 24. yay pajiba.
Posted by: urs at January 11, 2007 5:37 PM
Regarding Regina King and voiceovers, I recently recognized her voice on a feminine hygiene commercial saying "Have a happy period. Always."
Posted by: SCG at January 11, 2007 5:38 PM
I agree, Seth--your opening paragraph really pinned down what bugged me about 24. I confess the boy and I gave up on this one about 3/4 way into S1 and haven't been back (what kayla said contributed to some of this). Suspension of disbelief REALLY not a problem in our household, given all the other preposterous stuff we can overlook in other shows and movies, and yet...
Maybe it was a case of the show just not being able to live up to its hype--as DVD folkie, it's something we have to live with as a consequence of snubbing cable packages (our decision, I know, hence our self-imposed disadvantage). Same thing happened with CSI. But yet it's funny how other shows did manage to live up to supernal hype, for us, on the other hand...
Posted by: ranylt at January 11, 2007 6:22 PM
As far as them winning a Best Drama Emmy, I attribute that to the lack of a "Best Explosion-filled Hour of Ridiculous Logic" category. Same for Kiefer and "Best Rendition of a Near-Immortal Badass" category. They just needed to fit it in somewhere. And while it can make you laugh, it is not a comedy. So don't get so in a twist about that part.
I am sure I am not the only one who watches 24 because it is basically Die Hard in series form. One man, doing things that would have him put in an insane asylum in the real world, against a phalanx of terrorists when everyone else is unable to stop them. To watch it for serious drama is foolish, and in some cases, painful. But that magical moment when you realize that this is nearly every '80s action flick rolled up into a nice hourly format, then the love begins.
Posted by: Vermillion at January 11, 2007 7:24 PM
i passionately love 24, flaws and all. and flaws it certainly has, but it's so damned entertaining, i mean, what are you going to do?it's a soap. how can you NOT become addicted to a soap? how can you NOT forgive a soap its ridiculous formulas, its plotholes, its requirement of total belief-suspension?
my love for the show goes so far and so deep that when someone says they've seen it and eh, they don't see what the fuss is about, i immediately kind of distrust that person. HOW DO YOU NOT LOVE THIS SHOW? i honestly do not see how it is even POSSIBLE. it's as unfathomable to me as not seeing what's so great about the breakfast club.
the breakfast club and 24 have become the barometers by which i measure a person's worth.
;)
Posted by: juliagulia at January 12, 2007 1:17 PM
...although he first takes a time-out for a shave and a haircut (two bits!)
HA!
You'll live forever, Micheal, and you'll never die...but you must feed! (dum DUUUUM)
Thanks, great reveiw!
Posted by: Jaime at January 12, 2007 2:20 PM
i used to watch the lost boys over and over and over again, jaime, and i loved the line you just quoted. it sounded so dark and intense and powerful and i was all OOOH about it, every single time.
of course, after about fifty thousand viewings, i finally caught on to the [now very annoying] redundancy. you'll live forever. AND you'll never die! haha.
sutherland's most excellent delivery of what is in actuality a cheesy, stupid line is probably why it took me so long to pick up on said redundancy.
BUT YOU MUST FEEEEEEED!
what a great flick.
Posted by: juliagulia at January 12, 2007 2:37 PM
I get the link between Die Hard and 24, Vermillion. However, speaking as someone who lived through many '80s action movies, I'm still waiting for the love.
24 is better in some ways (an oh-just-faintly-plausible threat) and worse in others (Our Hero is a walking Guantanamo Bay.) Kiefer is a step up in class from Bruce Willis -- who wouldn't be? Still, I have trouble watching because:
- he has one speed as an actor, and not a speed I particularly like
- he is in no way as good looking as his dad used to be
- he was the worst thing in that dick-up remake of my favourite film, The Vanishing
- a friend of a friend was his childhood babysitter, and she has a few interesting things to say.
On the plus side, he separated from Queen Horse Face, before things went too far.
Posted by: Janis at January 13, 2007 2:41 AM
I have to second Janis--I see V's argument (and it's a strong one), but as someone who has copies of Die Hard and other great 80s actions on a shelf by her desk, it still didn't take for me. Maybe one has to watch 24 for more than 3/4 S1.
I'm not inclined to give it the chance, however. Not enough of a KS fan.
Posted by: ranylt at January 13, 2007 9:36 AM
Anyone who hasn't finished season one has no way of judging. I mean c'mon. Best season finale... ever.
Posted by: kayla at January 13, 2007 11:03 PM
"Best season finale... ever."
No, that would be BSG S2. ;)
Actually I know what happens at the end of S1--and I applaud their chutzpah--but it takes more than "shock" to reel me in.
Posted by: ranylt at January 14, 2007 10:47 AM
Haha, it takes me more than "shock" to reel me in, as well.
Posted by: kayla at January 14, 2007 6:22 PM
Actually, it's interesting, kayla. My partner and I were talking about this sort of thing (he had the same reaction to 24 I did)--we were comparing it, of course, to the BSG S2 finale, which really turned off some people or left others cold and "meh", but which completely rocked us (and, apparently, Mr. TV Whore).
He pointed out that a great season finale should have some real emotional impact, and I agree--which is what BSG S2 had for us, and which 24 S1 obviously had for others. Reason? Probably nothing more complicated than how attached one is to the characters. While I was completely invested in the BSG characters, Bauer's wife and daughter were lifeless to me, personally (one of the reasons we left the show partway), and the "shock" ending involving one of them would have been more relief than anything. Not in the least wrenching.
This isn't to claim characterization is better in one show than another (although that would be a fit debate)--just what works for some obviously doesn't for others. So I don't think this comes to down to a matter of "judgment" at all--it's probably more subjective and irrational than that.
At least in my case. Because I'm subjective and irrational that way (and the first to admit it).
Posted by: ranylt at January 14, 2007 7:57 PM
Well, I really liked Jack's wife. She seemed like a perfect fit for him. Perceptive, vulnerable, and grounded. And Kim was like a mini-Jack in a way. She knew how to get into trouble, but she always got out of it because she was daring (and lucky as hell :P).
So... it was pretty much an emotional shock for me. I felt bad about it. Because she had gone through so much bullshit with Jack. And the irony of Jack having an affair with a woman who so happens to be a terrorist and the eventual murderer of his wife was great to me. I love crazy set-ups like that.
I haven't seen Battlestar yet, but lots of people are crazy about it so I bet it's a great show. I really can't compare the two. But if I did see it, who knows?, I might even agree with you and find it a better ending to a season than 24 season 1.
So, yeah... it's a matter of opinion.
Posted by: kayla at January 14, 2007 9:37 PM
So...what was the crossover Seth?
Posted by: Thomas at January 16, 2007 2:01 PM
[Spoiler warning, for those of you who haven't seen the first four hours of this current season - don't read this]
Thomas - the crossover I would do, in my hypothetical Seth is a Network Exec World, would be with "Jericho." Have this season play out and, in the end, have them fail to stop the nukes and at the end of the season it's revealed that this is part of what happened to lead up to the series premiere of "Jericho." It would take some finagling, since there were more than five "Jericho" nukes, but it could all be covered if planned ahead (which is, of course, a problem, as neither of these shows seem to terribly well thought out ahead of time). Hell, you can even tie in the Chinese, who appear to be involved in "Jericho," thanks to their Jack connection and grounds for going to war with the U.S. in the "24" world.
Posted by: TV Whore at January 16, 2007 2:54 PM
I like 24. And your points are valid but you act surprised. Since when has TV ever made perfect or even near-perfect sense? They are going on their 6th season and trying not to repeat themselves and yet stay with a working formula. The portrayal of 24's "reality" is always going to be warped since the story is designed to be dramatic via neat 1 hour chunks. In reality I can't even get a pizza in an hour sometimes but I don't think anyone would watch a show about that. It is just easier to shoot holes into 24 because it's based in "reality" and based on current events to a large degree so we feel much like pilots shooting holes in the Airport movies which is not very hard to do. Go and watch Lost from episode one until now if you need your pallet of suspension of disbelief cleared. Check your analytical brain at the door and enjoy the show ;)
Posted by: faust1200 at January 17, 2007 11:07 AM
How about this for a crossover?
NBC Las Vegas. Big Ed and Jack remenisce while extracting information from some terrorist.
Posted by: RudeDude at January 17, 2007 7:07 PM