The Daily Trade Round-Up / Dustin Rowles
The first item in today’s round-up features Jessica Biel getting nailed, both literally and euphemistically. Indeed, she’ll be starring in Nailed, a movie that David O. Russell (batshit genius director of I Heart Huckabees and Three Kings) will co-write with Kristen Gore (as in, Al’s daughter). I read Kristen’s first novel, Sammy’s Hill and wasn’t impressed enough to read the sequel, though it certainly had its moments, and in combination with that special brand of rageriffic comedy Russell is known for, I suspect Nailed will be much better than its premise suggest. That premise? Jessica Biel’s receptionist character is accidentally shot in the head with a nail gun by a clumsy workman, which sends her libido into overdrive (calm down). Uninsured, she goes to D.C. to fight for the rights of the bizarrely injured, where she meets a corrupt congressman played by Jake Gylenhaal, who takes advantage of her perpetual moistness and capitalizes on her crusade. And, really: There just aren’t enough movies about corrupt congressman railing and bailing on brain-damaged nymphomaniacs. Personally, I’m just sweaty-excited about the possibility for video of Russell’s violent outbursts leaking again — no way Biel can dish it back out like Lily Tomlin. That poor girl will be cowering under a bed in her underdrawers.
And, it looks like the writer’s strike, sadly, will not put a stop to unnecessary (and in this case, violently unnecessary) remakes, as motherfucking Sylvester Stallone — not content to tack another Rocky and Rambo flick onto the end of his resume, is now set to direct and star in a remake of Death Wish. I mean, really? Stallone is going to step into Charles Bronson’s role? What the hell is this guy smoking? File this under ideas only Sly Stallone would be stupid enough to come up with — clearly, the ‘roids are clouding his judgment. Why don’t you just make another buddy movie with Estelle Getty, Sly? That, at least, we can ignore. Hell, I find Jay Sherman’s idea for Death Wish IV, in which Bronson lies in his hospital bed and just wishes for death, a lot more palatable than a goddamn Stallone remake.
Elsewhere, Mel Gibson is returning to acting. He’s set to star in Antoine Fuqua’s (Training Day) next gig, Under and Alone, about an ATF agent who infiltrates the notorious Mongols motorcycle gang. How many ways is it possible not to give a shit? I’m going to need all my fingers and toes to count them up. If you’ll pardon me, it may take a while.
… damn. I lost count sometime around the 140th time through my digits.
There’s rumors flying around — rumors prompted by statements from Michelle Pfeiffer, no less — that a Grease remake is in the works, and that producers are looking to nab the graceful Jessica Simpson for the role of Sandy. Oh, man: That is fucking rich. Jessica fucking Simpson? In Grease? Uh well oh well oh well oh well oh please! (don’t) Tell me more. (don’t) Tell me more. Shoot me in head. Uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh. Brain cells ripped at the seams, bu-ut, oh those fu-ucking twits.
There’s going to be an adaptation of the Julie Powell’s memoir, Julia and Julie: 365 Days, 525 Recipes, 1 Tiny Apartment, about a woman who attempts to cook up an entire book of Julia Childs’ recipes in a year. Weird idea — I’m not sure how exciting it would be to watch a movie about cooking (but then again, I never expected to like “Top Chef,” either), but the cast rocks: Amy Adams — cinematic godsend — will be playing Julie, while Meryl Streep will play Julia Childs.
In other news Julia news, Julia Roberts and Clive Owen are teaming up again to star in a movie titled, Duplicity, about longtime lovers who work as spies on opposite sides, and decide — after this discovery — to work together to pull off some sort of heist (sort of Mr. and Mrs. Smith, inverted). It’ll be written and directed by Tony Gilroy, who wrote the three Bourne flicks, Michael Clayton and … what? Wait? The guy who wrote the Bourne flicks also wrote The Cutting Edge? Woah. Seriously? The same guy responsible for Jason Bourne on the big screen is also responsible for Doug Dorsey. That … oh, thinking about that … my head hurts. I totally don’t see it:
A short note: HBO is filming a movie inspired by the documentary Grey Gardens, which is a deliciously deranged movie about two wackjob members of the Kennedy clan who live in a squalid, decrepit 28-room mansion. John Williams had a nice write up of the original documentary a few days ago, but for those who have seen the movie, you may be as thrilled as I am about the casting choices: Jessica Lange and Drew Barrymore as Big Edie and Little Edie, and Jeanne Tripplehorn as Jackie Kennedy. Barrymore isn’t much of an actress, but this part actually seems to fit her extremely well, as she is similarly an off-the-wall, loopy blue-blood who is about three bad movies away from living in her own Grey Gardens.
Finally, in the trailer watch — Watch closely: Fisher Stevens! Fisher Stevens! Fisher Stevens!
(Hold me.)
Pajiba Love 11/05/07 | | Bridge of Sighs, by Richard Russo
Comments
Hey now! I love The Cutting Edge.
"toepick!"
Posted by: Agent Scully at November 6, 2007 11:19 AM
perpetual moistness
Several readers just cringed at their least favorite word. As much as I like the idea of Jessica Biel running around with no constraints on her nookie itch, that movie sounds like crap. The idea of Meryl Streep playing Julia Child, on the other hand, is strangely intriguing.
My deep, disturbing man-love for Clive Owen vs. my absolute detestation of all things Julia Roberts. Hmmm. I'll have to ponder that one.
AtO: Excellent work on the Pajiba drinking game rules -- a perceptive take on our collective and individual foibles. But I think Stateside readers do most of their viewing in the morning. Now that's not a problem for me, as I'm happy to do a tall pour and settle in for an a.m. drinkathon, but some people are probably expected sober for work.
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at November 6, 2007 11:24 AM
Brain cells ripped at the seams, bu-ut, oh those fu-ucking twits.
I read this three times before I saw tWits instead of tits. I think I need to go find some caffine.
Posted by: harleymom at November 6, 2007 11:25 AM
I really really do Heart Huckabees (and I liked Three Kings, but didn't realize it was Russell) so hopefully Nailed will be something!
THAT TRAILER; I saw it on TV a few days ago and could not believe it. "In an hour from now, he'll be dead and we'll be RICH!" Ew.
Posted by: Kt at November 6, 2007 11:26 AM
I didn't see The Brave One, so why would I want to watch a different Death Wish remake? I don't absolutely loathe Stallone, but increasingly I feel sorry for him. What will it take for him to just give up and go away, already?
Posted by: Kate at November 6, 2007 11:31 AM
Wow - a Critic reference. Don't see those nearly often enough
Buy My Book. Buy My Book. Buy My Book
Posted by: Brian at November 6, 2007 11:37 AM
". . . Weird idea -- I'm not sure how exciting it would be to watch a movie about cooking . . . while Meryl Streep will play Julia Childs. "
And yet, I can watch the Food Channel all day. No plot, but who cares. I can watch anyone cook for hours. Julia Childs was hilarious to watch. She'd drop food on the floor, pick it up and keep going. Somehow I can't picture Meryl Streep as Childs, but I bet she'll be great.
Posted by: BWeaves at November 6, 2007 11:54 AM
I haven't learnt my lesson from Wes Anderson; since I loved both Three Kings and Huckabees ("Fffffuckabees!" I was in stitches) I will see Nailed, although the premise makes me cringe somethin' fierce. And that was my hate word, moist. Hate. I need a hug.
I need a hug from Clive Owen. I could watch him glaringly growl-slur his lines 24 hours a day. I'll leave the "Nailed" jokes out of this statement, though. Bad premise!
Posted by: that bees chick at November 6, 2007 12:20 PM
If Duplicity is anything like Multiplicity count me in!!
Posted by: Lobstersurprise at November 6, 2007 12:24 PM
what was that last trailer? Did I just see Hayden Woodenfacesen and Jessica Assba in the same film? Why didn't the universe implode from the combined forces of their suckiness? Has science been lying to me all these years?
Posted by: joker at November 6, 2007 12:46 PM
I can't picture Jessica Simpson as the virginal, freshfaced Sandy at all. It's too bad that her and Lachey were'd still married he could have been her Danny...
I think I just threw up a bit in my mouth.
Zac Efron will probably be Danny...oh please kill me I am just making myself angrier and angrier...
Posted by: lyricalcatt at November 6, 2007 12:56 PM
I hate watching my bad spelling (I type too fast! A blessing and a curse) and not being able to do anything about it as it loads...
WEREN'T
Posted by: lyricalcatt at November 6, 2007 12:58 PM
ok, i'm going to have to stop you right there...don't mess with the cutting edge, it's a classic.
the thing that KILLS me is that i thought michelle pfeiffer had great taste (except for her choice in husband material), so it saddens me more than you'll ever know to hear that she's all about jessica simpson reviving hopelessy devoted.
i just wish michelle wasn't so damn classy. why can't se make biting and hateful statements about starlets and call jessica simpson an over-inflated blowup doll? come on michelle, i know you have it in you.
Posted by: citizen_cris at November 6, 2007 1:06 PM
There is one thing that will prompt me to post a comment on a blog. One thing, and one thing only: "entitled" does not mean "titled." The latter will do for all occasions such as "...in a movie, titled Duplicity..." Titled. It bothers me all the more that I continually see good writers making this mistake.
Wow -- you are so right, and I am so embarrassed. Two drinks for me. -- DR
Posted by: Kyle at November 6, 2007 1:29 PM
Thanks socalled, I also do most of my viewing between the hours of 9 and 5... in my view it actually makes drinking more appropriate but then I am Irish (sorta). Oh and go with the man love. Lovely Clive Owen (that's his full name by the way) will never let you down. Not Lovely Clive, he wouldn't do that to me... um "you". Yes.
When considering the classiness of Michelle Pfeiffer please remember that the woman played Stephanie Zinoni in Grease 2 (possibly one of the finest movies ever made), as much as I have a massive girlcrush on the Woman we can't really trust her views on the casting of musicals.
I confess that I haven't actually ever seen I *heart* Huckabees. I will rectify this immediately.
Posted by: Alex the Odd at November 6, 2007 1:35 PM
The Julie/Julia book is about much more than just cooking, though I will admit that I'd originally picked up the book because I am very into food and had followed her blog. The book has plenty of heartwarming anecdotes. The way I see it, it's (the wonderful) 'Mostly Martha' channelled by a dry-humoured Texan in neurotic NYC.
Let's just hope the movie sticks to the same vein and that it won't be a hacked, god-awful piece of chick shit, the risk of which is very real seeing as Julie's PR people decided to sell the book with a 'Bridget Jones meets...' description. Anything with that label makes me run a mile. Hopefully the stellar cast will prevent this from happening.
Posted by: reesy at November 6, 2007 1:39 PM
A Grease remake? And yet another beloved movie from my teenage years will be crapped on. If it gets made I will avoid it like the plague and will only allow my future children to watch the original.
Posted by: Olivia at November 6, 2007 1:41 PM
"... cowering under a bed in her underdrawers. "
Sounds like me when I heard there is a remake of The day the Earth stood still, in the works. The only saving grace for that one so far? Jennifer Connelly as Helen Benson.
But seriously, all we need now is a remake of Short Circuit directed by Uwe Boll with Dane Cook as Newton Crosby to complete the "Rape my childhood" trifecta.
Posted by: Manny at November 6, 2007 2:01 PM
I'm with Agent Scully and citizen cris. If you were a girl of a certain age when that film came out...just don't mess with it, okay? Some things are near and dear, that's all.
D.B. Sweeney used to be the poor man's John Cusack. What ever happened to him anyway?
Posted by: AM at November 6, 2007 2:58 PM
I really did not *Heart* Huckabees. Actually, I Fucking *Despised* Huckabees. There wasn't a single interesting or sympathetic character in the lot. By the movie's end, I just wanted to round them all up and beat them with a sock full of oranges.
Now, "Three Kings" was k-rad. On that I can agree.
Didn't John Waters already do the brain injury/nypho storyline? Wasn't it called "A Dirty Shame" with Tracey Ullman and Selma Blair who sported mongo huge scary boobs?
Posted by: Alabamapink at November 6, 2007 3:06 PM
Ah whoops. I meant "nympho".
What a word to misspell.
Sheesh.
Posted by: Alabamapink at November 6, 2007 3:08 PM
Rape your childhood? Bitch, please.
They speak of doing a Goonies II, where all the kids have grown up and now THEIR kids go on wild platonic adventures. Here comes Sloth, now a dessicated, mildly downsyndromed Yoda still screaming AY YOU GUYS! and hurling the cast of the Sopranos with his super tard strength and Jedi powers. Buy your toys now!
But wait! Why not remake Labyrinth with Andy Dick in the David Bowie part? Or better yet, let's redo the Karate Kid, again, but this time, make it a gay black kid in a wheelchair? Hold on, since the studios are already taking your precious childhood memories and jackhammering them in the tight little sphincter, let's see if we can fit a finger or five more in there. Let's cast Jessica Simpson as She-Ra! Chad Michael Murray as He-Man! We'll do the A-Team with Gary Coleman as Mr. T. Whatchoo talking about, Pitied Fool? Mr. Rogers is dead? So is Captain Kangaroo? So what? Dig up their rotting corpses and dance them around. Better yet let's have Rosie O'Donnell do a children's show! In a sweater and sneakers! And she's fat and mustachioed just like dear Bob Keeghan.
And then for my grand finale, I'll donkey punch you and rub my bloody dick on your teddy bear!
I wouldn't get so furious if the possibilities were knocking at our door like some drunken uncle.
Posted by: insertclevernamehere at November 6, 2007 3:09 PM
I've got to say after reading the above post even I feel violated.
Posted by: Alex the Odd at November 6, 2007 3:20 PM
Sorry, Alex. I just wanted to make you finish your beer. All of it.
Besides, Pajiba is cheaper than therapy.
Posted by: insertclevernamehere at November 6, 2007 3:36 PM
AlabamaPink--you are so right! That didn't even cross my mind. I suppose it's a little different.
Posted by: Kt at November 6, 2007 3:48 PM
Why is 'entitle' not synonymous with 'title'? Is the dictionary wrong? What the S? I need to know.
Posted by: lobstersurprise at November 6, 2007 6:17 PM
I don't like being all anal retentive, but the famous female chef in Julia & Julie is Julia Child. Without the "s".
Posted by: Agent Sculder at November 6, 2007 6:59 PM
So I was getting some chocolate milk in the pharmacy downstairs about an hour ago and while I was walking through the lobby I recognized this guy. (I work in the CAA building so that should happen more often that it does, but I'm the worst at recognizing celebrities.) I could not figure out where I knew him from. "Friends" kept coming to mind. So after much research on the interwebs I remembered he was the douchey boyfriend of Phoebe's that kept psychoanalyzing the group and finally discovered it was Fisher Stevens. And then I see the trailer for "Awake" just now. How funny. Not funny haha. Funny random.
Oh, and I loooved "The Cutting Edge" way back when.
Posted by: bunni at November 6, 2007 9:01 PM
"Way back when"?......I STILL love the Cutting Edge. Douglas is beautiful skater!
Clive Owen is all that is lovely and beautiful. Gotta love a man with the fuck-me-eyes.
Posted by: Finn at November 7, 2007 12:12 AM
WHAT is it with women and the word "moist" ?
...seriously?
Posted by: RichieRich at November 9, 2007 12:16 AM
Oh for heaven's sake, what is wrong with you people? Julia CHILD. Not Childs. Singular. As others have already noted. But I was too put off not to jump in and add my protest.
Posted by: ginger at November 9, 2007 9:06 AM
Are you people really getting this upset over a fucking s on the end of Julia Child's name - a common mistake if there ever was one? If your standards are this high for something as silly as a comment section, I imagine that you're pretty disappointed with most of life.
Posted by: the other julie at November 9, 2007 2:04 PM
"But wait! Why not remake Labyrinth with Andy Dick in the David Bowie part?
Posted by: insertclevernamehere at November 6, 2007 3:09 PM"
HEY!! Don't even THINK that in your quietest, innermost thoughts! I tell ya, they can hear you! And they may act on it!
I am not above some kind of antisocial acting-out in order to protect my beloved Labyrinth! :)
Also hey, remember Key West? I loooved that show. It had Fisher Stevens in it (which is why I thought of it), so I also love him. Just saying.
Also Jennifer Tilly, she had a great role in that show. Someone release that to dvd. Pleeease.
Posted by: Loob at November 11, 2007 8:11 AM