That TV Whore, He's Hung Like a Pajiba
The Daily Trade Round-Up / The TV Whore
May 14, 2008
Take one part HBO, one part Alexander Payne, and one giant cock, and you get “Hung.” The not-TV-network’s latest show is a dark comedy about a high school basketball coach who is floundering through life. With a giant cock. Thankfully, Payne’s directing the pilot, not writing it, because his most recent writing credit is I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. The show is being written by Dmitry Lipkin, who created “The Riches,” and Colette Burson, who … hasn’t really done anything. So we’ll have to wait and see if this show is flaccid or erect.
And speaking of big cocks, let’s talk about the Dallas Cowboys.
We’re less than four months away from the start of the NFL season, bitches. For those that couldn’t care less, move on down to the next paragraph. But the rest of you will surely be happy to know that HBO is giving us another installment of “Hard Knocks.” And they’re going back to a team they’ve followed before — the Dallas Cowgirlsboys. HBO is predicting this will be the highest rated version of the show yet, thanks to T.O., Pacman Jones and the whole Tony HomoRomo/Jessica Simpson shit, although none of them will “be the center of it all” (and thankfully, the HBO and NFL Films folks are saying that we shouldn’t expect to see much of Jessica unless she hits the field to do some 7-on-7 drills). Whatever. I love “Hard Knocks” and I’m even OK with it featuring the sports team I hate above all other sports teams. Especially if they end up doing as well this season as the focus of last year’s show, the Kansas City Chiefs, did last year.
So, uhm, hey — remember when the writers went on strike and all but killed the current season of TV. Well buckle up for round two, because talks have now broken down between the actors and studio-folk. And once again, the brunt of the battle is over DVD residuals and the ever amorphous “new media.” Yes, there’s still a good bit of time for shit to get resolved, as the SAG contracts don’t expire until the end of June. But if shit isn’t resolved by then, I think we can expect an immediate strike, which will make next fall like this winter — scattered new episodes and a lot of reality TV. So get ready for “Celebrity Pet Salamanders,” hosted by Alfonso Ribeiro.
But if SAG doesn’t go on a strike and wind up mucking shit up, there’s some good news over at AMC — they’ve renewed “Breaking Bad” and upped the episode order from seven to thirteen. The first season, for those who missed it, was really fantastic. A leisurely (almost deathly slow, at times) pace you rarely get on network TV, some dark, dark humor, and a knocked-out-of-the-ballpark performance by Brian Cranston. When it hits reruns or the DVDs, you could do yourself a lot worse than checking it out.
And in more good news, you Browncoats know who Morena Baccarin is. For the rest of you, she’s a gorgeous actress who played a “companion” (i.e., high-high class whore) on “Firefly.” Well she’s got herself a new potential gig. That’s the good news. The bad news is, it’s in an untitled pilot about new law firm associates in an LA law firm. I believe I’ve talked about this show before. First of all, we don’t need more fucking law shows. Second of all, seriously. We don’t need more fucking law shows. And third of all, I’ve lived the life of a new law firm associate in an LA law firm and. Fuck. You. We didn’t have nobody at my firm what looked like Baccarin. Nobody like that at my current firm, either. Stupid TV and its stupid not-being-reality ….
Well it looks like we now have at least one former 90210er confirmed for appearances on the CW’s reboot (which, unsurprisingly, has been officially picked up as a series). Jennie Garth will be reprising Brandon fucking, Dylan fucking, cult member, stuck in a fire, coke whore, diet pill whore, stalked, date raped, regular raped, amnesiac Kelly Taylor. Kelly’s all grown up now, of course, and she’s a guidance counselor at West Beverly High. Garth hasn’t signed on as a regular, however; rather, Kelly Taylor will be a recurring role. I suspect that Kelly Taylor 2.0 won’t have the type of terrible things befall her that Kelly Taylor 1.0 did. Which is a shame, really, because that ridiculous getting-stuck-in-a-burning-house-with-Bitch-Crazy was one of my favorite moments on that show ever. Good times. (There’s also a rumor that Tori Spelling will be returning too, although it’s just a rumor at this point, and her cleavage crevice refused to comment.)
Hmmm… I’m now officially worried about the upcoming new season of “Weeds.” I still enjoyed last season, but it was a definite step down from the year before. And some small rumors are starting to come out about the next season that point to some real disturbances in the Force. (Spoiler Warning if you’re not up-to-date.) It comes as no surprise that the show will no longer be set in Agrestic, what with shit having burnt down. So I don’t care that they’re moving to a new seaside town. But I am bothered by the rumors that: (i) “Little Boxes” won’t be the opening theme anymore; (ii) Tonye Patano (Heylia) will no longer be on the show; and (iii) Romany Malco (Conrad) won’t be on the show either. No Conrad? Shit, he’s one of the best things about that show, especially as Mary-Louise Parker’s Nancy becomes more despicable with each passing episode. This news is totally harshing my mellow.
Returning to our introductory theme of big cocks, NBC has made it official — the post “The Tonight Show” slot will be going to Jimmy Fallon next year when Conan takes over for Leno. Jesus.
But in good news, the Sci Fi channel has added another cast member to “Caprica,” which already has Esai Morales as the head of the Adama family, along with Paula Malcomson as a surgeon and double agent. The head of the Graystone family (the rival family to the Adamas) and the man responsible for creating the first Cylon, has been cast. And it’s the Fly (II) himself, Eric Stoltz. Hasn’t he learned that playing with science gets you nothing but trouble? But I’m pretty stoked (stolzed?) about this, as I’m a fan of the Stoltz.
OK, so this column is wicked long already, and there’s so much more to talk about as the mini-upfronts are going on in NYC this week. I’ll be getting into the details more later this week and early next week (check back in a few hours for my ABC column). But in the meantime, let’s end with a quick rundown of what we know so far (this isn’t exhaustive — I’ve just picked what I felt like mentioning):
Shows that got renewed: “Boston Legal,” “Reaper,” “Til Death,” “Scrubs” (on ABC, so I guess it’s not technically a renewal), “Eli Stone,” “The Unit” (yeah!), “New Adventures of Old Christine” and “How I Met Your Mother.”
Show that are canceled: “New Amsterdam” (so much for immortality), “October Road” (about fucking time), “Canterbury’s Law,” “Bionic Woman,” “Journeyman,” “Women’s Murder Club,” “Moonlight,” “Shark” and “Back to You” (which is being shopped to other networks).
The two sci-fi pilots that Fox has picked up as midseason shows, so enjoy five out-of-order episodes if you can find them: “Fringe” (J.J. Abrams’ “X-Files” knock-off) and “Dollhouse” (Joss Whedon fans, lick your lips).
Other pilots that got picked up: “Virtuality” (Ron Moore’s holodeck show, with Peter Berg possibly directing the pilot) and the “Life on Mars” remake.
Seth Freilich is Pajiba’s television editor.He hasn’t been able to think about anything all week except for two “BSG” Sixes kissing. Sure, it was a tragic thing more than an erotic thing, but still. I mean … you know … cause … god bless.
Oh, and it’s true ladies. He is hung like a Pajiba.
Pajiba Love 05/13/08 | | ABC's 2008 Fall Schedule
Comments
Brian Cranston rocks Breaking Bad. I have to love a show that makes me unsure whether to laugh or curl up into a ball.
Does America have to remake every damned BBC show? Why can't we leave well enough (Life on Mars) alone?
Posted by: Cindy at May 14, 2008 9:18 AM
Hmm, my RSS-feed didn't pick this article up yet...
Anyway, I find it -a bit- funny they're doing the US remake of Life On Mars with Irishmen in the main roles. Couldn't they find a yank abrasive enough?
Posted by: Adere at May 14, 2008 9:27 AM
The idea of the US Life on Mars scares me a bit. The original was one of the best things I've seen in years. Don't fuck it up, please!
New Amsterdam and Moonlight cancelled - drat. I kinda liked both. Moonlight because a little Jason Dohring is always nice. And New Amsterdam because somewhere in there, it had the potential to be interesting. If the writing (and silly flashback beards/hair) improved.....
Posted by: Tarn at May 14, 2008 9:40 AM
""The Tonight Show" slot will be going to Jimmy Fallon next year when Conan takes over for Leno. Jesus."
OK, not like Leno isn't a complete and utter fuckwit, but giving fuckface Fallon and his own special, moronic, awful brand of assjackery his own show? Who the fuck thought that was a good idea?
Goddamn you all. It's news like this that makes me hope that everybody dies. Like, by the end of the week.
Posted by: TK at May 14, 2008 9:40 AM
wait, Tarn, Jason Dohring was on Moonlight?
How did I not know that?!
damn....now I have to find this somewhere...that boy can do no wrong after (walking around shirtless in) Veronica Mars
mmmmmmmm, happy early morning thoughts.....
Posted by: Bethy at May 14, 2008 9:46 AM
Though it's no surprise, I'm sad to see Journeyman bite the dust, I was rather fond of it (and not having HBO, it was my introduction to the McKidd, who is awesome).
Another cancelation that makes me sad (though not mentioned here) is the CW's Aliens in America. It's the only show I watched on that channel. It was surprisingly funny while still being (mostly) appropriate for the whole family, and shows like that are few and far between.
Posted by: Bistro at May 14, 2008 9:47 AM
Since I found out about Jimmy Fallon taking over Late Night, I've been wondering (out loud, and to anyone who'll listen) if the good folks at NBC have ever actually watched Fallon's brand of comedy, which I'm convinced became not funny about five minutes after we first thought it was funny. I'm thinking they haven't, otherwise they wouldn't risk the Late Night franchise and the patience of the millions of people who do manage to stay up late enough to watch the show. I really have thought about this too much, haven't I?
Posted by: Kolby at May 14, 2008 9:53 AM
Dohring or no Dohring, Moonlight was another gdamn vampire show.
I've had my fill of bloodsucking freaks on the screen a long time ago, so no tears from my side.
Posted by: Adere at May 14, 2008 9:53 AM
I saw a trailer for the Life on Mars remake yesterday. It was mind-shatteringly painful. Maybe if you never saw the Brit version it wouldn't seem so bad, but I'll stick with the original, thanks.
Posted by: docsmartypants at May 14, 2008 9:54 AM
I'm an Eric Stoltz fan myself. Of course, I don't watch BSG, (I know, I know, the demerits keep piling up) so I guess I'll be out of luck. Oh well, at least he has a gig on what should (hopefully) be a good show, right?
Posted by: tamatha at May 14, 2008 10:10 AM
I had not heard that Women's Murder Club had been canceled. That's somewhat upsetting, it's actually a decent show. Sad Face.
Posted by: Masey at May 14, 2008 10:13 AM
I think I read somewhere that Fallon was being paid millions prior to his taking over for Leno to retain his services for that eventuality. Basically, paying Jimmy Fallon to do nothing. That raises two questions: 1.) What the fuck else was he going to do instead? Was Taxi screaming for a sequel? 2.) Why can't we just pay him to do nothing for the rest of his life? If there was a "Pay Jimmy Fallon to Disappear From Society Donation Fund" I'm pretty sure we could come up with a pretty solid contribution from this site alone.
Please note, if a sequel to Taxi does indeed come out, I will accept the fact that I may have contributed to it and voluntarily feed myself through a wood chipper.
Posted by: MC Peepants at May 14, 2008 10:17 AM
Well, Bethy, if I were you I wouldn't worry too much about missing American television when you head off to the UK anymore. The time I've been here I actually haven't missed it much, and the shows I really want to see can sometimes be, um, "found".
Thank god I have plenty of things to put on my Netflix queue when I get back.
Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at May 14, 2008 10:25 AM
Correct me if I'm wrong - I had heard that Fallon was replacing Conan O'Brien on his late-night abortion, and O'Brien would be replacing The Chin in the House That Carson Built.
Posted by: The Wanderer at May 14, 2008 10:26 AM
And speaking of big cocks, let's talk about the Dallas Cowboys.
Hee hee. Hee. :coughs: Heeeeeee.
Couldn't they find a yank abrasive enough?
This made me laugh SO HARD...and not for reasons Adere intended.
[dumps holy water over head]
It burns!
Posted by: Julie at May 14, 2008 10:29 AM
Bethy,
yes, and his character was a sight more interesting than the lead! Which of course means, there was not enough of him in it. But it's worth seeking out for a Dohring fan. Be warned though - Shannyn Sossamon is in it too (spelled right? Eh, who cares... she is boring..)
Posted by: Tarn at May 14, 2008 10:31 AM
Great.
Now I've fallen to being an unintentional clown for vampires.
*Grumblegrumble*
Posted by: Adere at May 14, 2008 10:34 AM
Hee, reverse vampire Adere. I love me some sunshine.
I wasn't a fan of Weeds season three either. Romany Malco to me has become the moral center of the show. Nancy is such an asshole anymore, I loved how Conrad kept her more grounded...without him I feel like the show will descend into an even darker, more reprehensible place with the occassional comic relief from Doug or Andy.
Posted by: Julie at May 14, 2008 10:51 AM
Well as long as you're laughing, Julie, and not planting your fangs in someone's arteries, I'm fine with it.
Re: Kelly 1.0 's résumé: Wasn't she also almost raped before date and regular? At that Halloween party where Donna was a mermaid.
Posted by: Adere at May 14, 2008 11:03 AM
"the sports team I hate above all other sports teams"
Jesus, Seth - I always knew we were soul mates meant to be together forever, but this has definitely pushed me over the edge into stalker territory. Be ready for Kelly Taylor and Donna Martin doll heads to be nailed to your front door.
Posted by: Three-nineteen at May 14, 2008 11:04 AM
Add me to the Stoltz love. He has a certain something that I really like.
As for a potential actors' strike. I find that I really don't care. I didn't miss TV that much during the writers' strike except for House and as long as nothing threatens Euro 2008 non-stop coverage this summer, I'm set for a solid few weeks so I'm not going to worry about September. In fact, if House continues to edge toward leaping over squaliformes as it has been doing, I won't miss it in September either.
Posted by: PaddyDog at May 14, 2008 11:11 AM
Add me to the Stoltz love. He has a certain something that I really like.
Indeed. After all he got to be the properly victorious Duckie. I don't know if my favorite character is Lance the drug dealer or the bitter mime, but I never don't like him. Also it's good to see that "Caprica" is about something. "Origin of the Cylons, okay, that sounds like a plot now". I don't need "Falcon Crest". There's already "Falcon Crest" for that. Is "Virtuality" going to come up with an interesting angle?
As for "Women's Murder Club", if James Patterson can just start writing his own TV shows and get out of publishing my life would be a lot easier. Bitch, your last "co-written" is still taking up half the shelf! Go..sail around the world or something for a few years! Fuck!
I'd like to think Jimmy will find a new groove for hosting. I still like what was good on SNL ("Steely Dan? Really? That's the example you're going with?"), but don't deny his hackiness as of late. It makes me sad that Conan will be kicked down into the brighter, safer light of 11:30 so I try to be optimistic.
(and yes, the morning after, I'm still fuming at "Speed Racer"'s no-fun naysayers)
Posted by: Jay at May 14, 2008 11:24 AM
good point Genny, which is why my DVDs of Firefly, How I Met Yout Mother, Arrested Development, 30 Rock and Veronica Mars (squished down into the flattest form possible of course) and a portable region 1 DVD player are coming with me...
and Tarn, any Jason Dohring is a good Jason Dohring. I think it is written in stone somewhere....
oh! and has anybody else heard this rumor? come Sept 2008 Sports Night is being re-released in a Special Edition DVD Set!!! with specials and commentaries (and hopefully no laugh track) which would be great news for me, as I wore out my last copy and then it went out of print and prices tripled
Here is hoping! (fingers crossed)
Posted by: Bethy at May 14, 2008 11:30 AM
Waaaaaaait. There was a whole show focused on my KC Chiefs? How the hell did I not know this? Bitches.
Posted by: Gabs at May 14, 2008 11:31 AM
Um, Jay, I'm pretty sure you're mixing up your John Hughes' 80s films. Eric Stoltz was in Some Kind of Wonderful. It was Andrew McCarthy who was in Pretty in Pink, which also starred Jon Cryer as the lovable and awesome Duckie.
Posted by: tamatha at May 14, 2008 11:37 AM
No no no, I said "properly victorious". "Some Kind Of Wonderful" was the remake where the schmuck didn't win, instead it was like they were both Duckies and both great. Plus: Elias Koteas for a dash of wacko flavor. Ahhhh.
Posted by: Jay at May 14, 2008 11:42 AM
Elias Koteas for a dash of wacko flavor
:flashes to a scene from Crash...no not that one, the other one...shudders:
Posted by: Julie at May 14, 2008 11:48 AM
Jay- Ah, I got ya now. You know, you have to spell these things out for me sometimes. Of course, I would argue that Watts (Mary Stuart Masterson) was the victorious Duckie in Some Kind of Wonderful. Stoltz was chasing the wrong girl right up until the end. Yeah, I think the analogy works better for her character than his.
Posted by: tamatha at May 14, 2008 11:57 AM
My favourite Stoltz is Lawrence Seldon (House of Mirth). He captured exactly how I pictured that character while reading the book.
Jimmy Fallon? I will NEVER forgive him for the US version of Fever Pitch. He took one of my favourite books and vomited regurgitated shit all over it.
Posted by: PaddyDog at May 14, 2008 12:03 PM
[meekly]
I always kind of liked Jimmy Fallon.
...
[crawls back into cave]
Posted by: Julie at May 14, 2008 12:07 PM
Paddy, I have no truck with Edith. Not after "Ethan". But I'll bet you're right.
I've never read "Fever Pitch" (only Nick I haven't, actually), but could tell it wasn't a good movie. If, say, 2004 Jimmy had made "High Fidelity" then it'd probably be the same disgustedness with me.
Damn, sorry you went through that.
Posted by: Jay at May 14, 2008 12:10 PM
Jay:
You must be from Massachussetts. They all hate Edith because of Ethan. There was an amusing op-ed on it in the NYT last month.
Try the Brit version of Fever Pitch: still departed from the book, but is a fine little diversion for an hour and a half.
Posted by: PaddyDog at May 14, 2008 12:21 PM
You must be from Massachussetts
Nope, Miami. I just can't get into books that feel like Joyce Carol Oates jacket photos.
Posted by: Jay at May 14, 2008 12:23 PM
My favorite Stoltz is from "Killing Zoe". Plus Julie Delphi's boobs are nice too. Yes. I like boobs. Boobs.
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at May 14, 2008 12:48 PM
I hate to defend the lil' guy, but I saw Jimmy Fallon on Conan and kinda liked him. He was almost kinda funny? He had some solid impressions and maybe he could pull of a squirmy awkward guy persona in his interviews? Conan does wacky, Letterman is classy, and Leno is... well there's no word for what Leno does. Fallon might actually be the best option to get some fresh blood in there.
Posted by: Tyranthesaurus Rex at May 14, 2008 12:58 PM
I can't believe you're ignoring the Double-Six kiss. That was so hot that I momentarily became a lesbian. Then they showed Helo again and I reverted back to straight. That show's fucking up my sexual preferences I have to say. Oh and how adorable were Adama and Roslin at the end? I like Stoltz, I find him sexy in a redhead-nerd sort of way...if that makes sense. I'm ignoring the football talk. Does anyone know when the UEFA cup starts?
Posted by: Joker at May 14, 2008 1:03 PM
I'm infuriated that douchebag Fallon is taking over late night. He ruined SNL for me with his constant fucking up. Why Lorne Michaels kept that hack on the show is beyond me.
Posted by: Brie at May 14, 2008 1:06 PM
The Double-Six kiss.
In the words of Professor Farnsworth: "Oh, my yes."
I understand your struggle, Seth. it was supposed to be this moving and poignant moment, with the two versions saying goodbye and everything. But I just couldn't get over the fact that they were KISSING.
Let's just say, like the Cylons' ship, I suffered a hull breach. In my pants.
Posted by: Vermillion at May 14, 2008 1:20 PM
Joker:
The UEFA Cup FInal is tonight at 19:45 GMT (you'll have to do the math to find out what time that is in your part of the world).
If, however, you mean, Euro 2008 hosted by UEFA, it starts on June 7th and runs through Jun 28th.
Posted by: PaddyDog at May 14, 2008 3:24 PM
Jimmy Fallon. Fuck me.
Breaking Bad. Loved the pilot, loved the second episode, and stopped watching for I don't know why. I immediately regret this decision ... weeks later.
Posted by: Mick J at May 14, 2008 3:49 PM
That Baccarin chick was on Stargate SG-1 and in the last movie. So she's done okay since Firefly, I'd say. Still, I agree NO MORE LAWYER SHOWS!
Posted by: Teresa at May 14, 2008 3:52 PM
Thanks Paddy. Thought you were an American. I always confuse the UEFA cup and the Euro cup. Now I hate football, but I do enjoy Italy's tight uniforms. Mmmm. Oh and the tight bodies in them. Mmmm. I just like to be far far away from my sister who's a football nut and knows too fucking much about the whole damn sport if you ask me. And she's a really girly girl, so I don't really see what went wrong.
Posted by: Joker at May 14, 2008 3:58 PM