The Weekly Box Office Round-Up / The Eloquents
5. Jumper (Weekend: $7.6 million; Total: $67 million): (From this week’s Boozehound thread) “Doesn’t Renee Zelwegger have people? I love the idea of having ‘people’ to remind you how to be. You think it’s some kind of bodyguard, just off her right shoulder. But every few minutes, the quiet unobtrusive hiss.
‘Renee! Face! Face!’
(I don’t actually care about her one way or another. All my loathing goes right toward Jessica Alba. I want federal legislation that guarantees two movies for Rosario Dawson for every Alba debacle. Parity, dammit, for the sake of the world.)” — Twig
“I really don’t care how Javier is supposed to be pronounced, since I plan on simply calling him ‘oh, baby - harder!’…” — Tarn
“Pajiba accessories…hmmm. Socalled: Cufflinks in the shape of martini glasses; Shadows: Cape with a fur-trimmed collar; PissBoy: Hankerchief soaked in Chloroform; B-Slim: Livestrong bracelet. Or a cock ring; TK: Studded dog collar; Insert(clevernamehere): A tie covered in Jesus fish; Skitt(imus Maximus: A pet alligator on a leash; Sarina: Ripped fishnet stockings (destruction caused by some hot guy’s teeth); Kolby: Mardi Gras beads, collected the flashy way; tt_marie: Pasties. Because…boobage; Paddydog: Whip and a leprechaun; Anne: Bright red lipstick and fuck me boots; Alabamapink: Cowboy hat and garters.” — Julie
4. The Other Boleyn Girl (Weekend: $8.3 million): “Didn’t Anne Boleyn have eleven fingers? And three breasts? I’m going to take a wild stab-in-the-dark-type guess and say they didn’t include that little quirk. Might have been more interesting if they had. Other than that, sumptuous review of what was always guaranteed to be complete pants.” — Laura (bonus points for using “pants” as an insult; triple bonus points if you’re not British)
“I wonder how romantic people would consider the period it they reeeeeally thought about it. All that clothing, no Protex, no Degree Clinical Strength, riding horses all day, lack of running water AND toilet paper. All these folks STANK, rotten teeth, venereal diseases up the ass, I’ve read that Henry VIII was so diseased that his stench was unbearable. Pure. Sex.” — BarbadoSlim
“Okay, so Scarlett Johansen has big tits. Lindsay Lohan has big tits. So what? I have bigger tits than either one of them, I just don’t have an agent. They are not a big deal and they do not qualify anyone to play a potential queen. BTW, are we going to have to start doing a shot anytime a commenter threatens suicide?” — Kris
3. The Spiderwick Chronicles (Weekend: $8.7 million; Total: $55million): (From Dan’s round-up) “Who else is with me on this? Given the option of sticking my penis in SJP or fucking a shoebox full of nails, how many people would first ask if the nails were rusty? No matter how painful, they’re about 81.6% less annoying.” — Pissboy
“I just want to meet a guy named ‘Dance Porn.’ Because I would bow to him. Anyone with the word ‘porn’ in his/her name is cool in my book.” — Pissboy (making up for lost time)
“All my porn names suck…Winnie Oak, Anne Clinton, Rizzo McShea. I’d rather choose my own, like Hot Twat McGriddle.” — Julie
“Facefucker is the best last name ever. Hands down.” — Shadows of Dakaron
“I just spent the last five minutes thinking up a porno name for myself. I weep for the taxpayers of New York. How’s this: Honey Moistbritches.” — Kolby
“Uh… aren’t we supposed to be discussing the topic of this Round-Up instead of coming up with ridiculous porn names? Seriously, people… Let’s grow up.” —Skitticock Maxijizz
2. Vantage Point (Weekend: $13 million; Total: $41 million): (On Anime) “I’m trying to imagine a debate between hardcore pro- and anti-anime factions:
*Pro-Ans and Anti-Ans stand facing each other from an impractical distance across a windswept landscape*
Pro-An Spokesperson (in a near unbroken stream of rapid-fire syllables): “When this debate begins you will be under no illusions as to the awesome power that the combined forces of all anime movies ever made hold within them - ha-ha!”
Anti-An Spokesperson : “Cool, well, whenever you’re ready, then…”
*Pro-An Spokesperson’s eyebrow twitches for nearly fifteen minutes. No-one moves*
Anti-An Spokeperson : “Errrmmm… Should we come back later?”
Pro-An Spokesperson : “HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-“
Anti-An Spokesperson : “-Dude, what are you doing?”
Pro-An Spokesperson : “-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”
Anti-An Spokesperson : “Screw this, let’s go hit the buffet table.” — Dill the Devil
I do not like your anime,
I do not like it, take it away
I do not like it in an apocalyptic city,
I do not like it, despite the annoying blobby talking kitty
I do not like the horrible characters
I do not like it for many factors
I do not like the stupid yelling men
I do not like the stupid vapid women
I do not like your loop animation,
And no, it’s not ‘cause I’m not Asian
I do not like the quarter-of-an-hour-long intros,
The horrible fight scenes cause me to doze,
I do not think the ‘chibis’ are sooooooo cute,
If anything makes sense, it was probably a fluke
I do not like the facial expressions
Or the way the animators attempt to ‘express’ emotions
I do not like the rape/borderline rape ‘love’,
I do not like the BOOBS. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THE BOOBS JESUS CHRIST IN A GRAVITY DEFYING BRA.” — BiblioGeek
1. Semi-Pro (Weekend: $15.2 million): “Stranger Than Fiction confused the hell out of me, because I wanted to give Will Ferrell a hug at the end of it, and normally I want to beat him about the head and shoulders with a live badger.” — Smithy
“Whoever is giving Ferrell positive feedback for the crap films he’s been spewing should be hunted down, covered with honey and placed in the middle of a pasture in Alabama where the fire ants will deal with it. As others have said, since Stranger Than Fiction, we’ve known he could do better. It’s just a shame he doesn’t know it.” — lateformyfuneral
“I really miss the risk takers (Andy Kauffman, Tracy Ullman), groundbreakers (Pythons, Kids In the Hall), the I-don’t-give-a-f**kers (ha, Benny Hill, John Belushi, Bill Murray too I guess…), and the you-won’t-know-how-good-it-was-till-its-goners (Gilda Radner and John Candy too…shut up). Mind you, even dredging up the energy to provide examples of the above is exhausting.” — Replica
“I’ll never understand the appeal of Ben Stiller. He looks like a retarded ferret.” — Nicole
Other Boleyn Girl, The | | Lost: The Constant |
Comments
It is sad to me that after only two weeks, the only thing left to say about 'Jumper' would have anything to do with me babbling on about my undying love for The Dawson.
I had such slim but desperate hopes.
Iron Man, you are now my only hope for action movie salvation. The second trailer looks so good. Please. Please.
Posted by: twig at March 3, 2008 8:54 AM
Holy crap, Twig, you beat B-Slim! There should be some sort of award of plaque for that.
If Iron Man isn't good... it will break my little heart. Iron Man! Downey! Howard! SQUEEEEEE!!!!
Posted by: TK at March 3, 2008 9:07 AM
Calm down, TK, you don't want to accidentally rip a sweatervest.
Posted by: Kolby at March 3, 2008 9:11 AM
Also, I can't believe we had a conversation about porno in the comments section of a children's movie.
Posted by: Kolby at March 3, 2008 9:13 AM
Gosh, I hope BarbadoSlim isn't sick or something...
Posted by: Jerce at March 3, 2008 9:15 AM
"I'll never understand the appeal of Ben Stiller."
Two words: Tony Wonder
Posted by: Armando at March 3, 2008 9:17 AM
"I'll never understand the appeal of Ben Stiller."
Two words: Tony (let me finish) Wonder
Posted by: Armando at March 3, 2008 9:17 AM
"I never understood the appeal of Ben Stiller..."
Two words: Tony--let me finish--Wonder.
Posted by: Armando at March 3, 2008 9:19 AM
Kolby - you're a NY Gov't worker? State or City? Glad to see my tax dollars are supporting such a fine cultural institution such as Pajiba
Posted by: Brian at March 3, 2008 9:20 AM
How about a bit of recognition of my contribution to the porn name game, huh. Damn it if I wasn't the catalyst!
I wrote (as Hello)
dance porn is a very sexy man! I saw him last week on Richguyswhocantgetpooninreallife.com! It's a real neat site!*
Which was the inspiration for Pissboy saying he wanted to meet someone called dance porn; which let to the porn names. See, right at the fecking start!
If I don't get the recognition, I'll do something nasty, don't think I won't; I'm impervious to many forms of pain, I actually enjoyed Spider-man 3 , POTC 3 and even X-Men 3. Fear me.
*obviously a parody of the spambot that was posting quite frequently, I wrote 'dance porn is a very sexy man' in response to when the bot said something in the same vein about a piece of man meat called 'anime' see what I did there did ya?
I only ask, because of the amount of people that seemed to think my parody post, was real spam. Just to repeat the website I gave Richguyswhocantgetpooninreallife.com!
Posted by: cockroach at March 3, 2008 9:33 AM
*led to
Arrrghle!
Posted by: cockroach at March 3, 2008 9:35 AM
Has it come to this? Whoring for a mention in the round-ups?
Posted by: Adere at March 3, 2008 9:38 AM
Adere - Yes
Posted by: Brian at March 3, 2008 9:41 AM
For shame.
Oh well, it was nice while it lasted. Maybe now I can get back to actually getting some work done instead of trying to smarten-up myself here.
Posted by: Adere at March 3, 2008 9:47 AM
Not that I have ever seen any porn movies ever, or know anyone who ever has, but you mean to tell me those aren't their real names?
Geez -- I always thought that people wound up in porn because their parents were too stupid to give them non-porn names. What chance does a fella named "T.T. Boy" or a girl named "Britney Spears" have in life except in porn, right?
Posted by: Hater in Siloam Springs at March 3, 2008 9:47 AM
"Britney Spears"? - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
As for anime, all I can say is:
- They got girls with big tits
- They got period-piece costumes
- Their acting is still better than what you saw on "The Other Boleyn Girl"
Posted by: BFFredo at March 3, 2008 9:54 AM
Look, Kolby, if you want to borrow it, just SAY so. All these hints just aren't necessary.
Posted by: TK at March 3, 2008 10:08 AM
Hey, I'm just looking out for you, TK. Sweater vests can be expensive. Not as expensive as a whole sweater, mind you, but not as cheap as, say, a dickie.
Posted by: Kolby at March 3, 2008 10:11 AM
DIE COMMENT SPAM DIE!
Posted by: twig at March 3, 2008 10:14 AM
but not as cheap as, say, a dickie.
You watch your filthy mouth, little girl.
Wait... what are we talking about again? I'm confused.
Posted by: TK at March 3, 2008 10:19 AM
twig DIE COMMENT SPAM DIE!
I thought it had been scared away; would've thought a robot would be better at putting spaces in the right places. And why is everything last week?
And I should apologise to Pajiba guys for scaring of a reader with my deeply, deeply serious attention whoring .what can I over in reparations, over than not making you all watch Ang Lee's Hulk clockwork orange style?
Posted by: cockroach at March 3, 2008 10:21 AM
Well, I'm glad to see Larry the (Motherf-ing) Cable Guy's travesty didn't make the list.
tt_marie, sorry again for the boob comment. From Julie's hilarious (and probably otherwise entirely accurate) "Pajiban Accessories" comment, it appears your online persona is officially DD-rated.
Posted by: MO at March 3, 2008 10:22 AM
*Runs up to everyone, panting for air*
OK, *gasp* just spent the entire weekend catching up on everything I missed *pant, pant* from being on vacation for 5 days and then working 14 hour days the last week in Feb. Are we talking about anything interesting yet?
By the way, my favorite real-life should-be-in-porn name: Harry Glascock.
Posted by: Three-nineteen at March 3, 2008 10:27 AM
I can't believe I missed the Skitticock Maxijizz comment because I care so little about The Spiderwick Chronicles that I couldn't even be bothered to read the review. I realise my mistake now, and will voraciously devour every damned syllable that gets posted on this site.
Posted by: Dill The Devil at March 3, 2008 10:28 AM
what can I over in reparations
Put up that website! Duh.
Live up to the expectation and milk that prank.
Posted by: Adere at March 3, 2008 10:30 AM
what can I over in reparations
Put up that website! Duh.
Live up to the expectation and milk that prank.
1. that would cost money,
2.it would turn the joke posts featuring said site into real spam
3.It wasn't that funny in the first place, only what it catalysistically(thanks to Pissboy) lead to was
Posted by: cockroach at March 3, 2008 10:37 AM
Adere
all these typos and scerwed up htmling I've been making today, it's like maybe something is trying tell me something about what I'm writing...
Posted by: cockroach at March 3, 2008 10:40 AM
Oh my god. When I saw the picture of Ed, and didn't read that this was a Box Office Round Up, I thought that it was a Trade Round Up and I visibly cringed in terror:
They're making a live-action Cowboy Bebop movie?!
Pure, abject, horror, I tell you.
Posted by: That Girl at March 3, 2008 10:50 AM
Armando -- so right on.
Tony Fucking Wonder. The only thing that could possibly compare is Tony Perkis (from Heavyweights) "Whats the matter little Tony?"
Posted by: Finn at March 3, 2008 10:56 AM
Christ. I'm just happy the picture of Ed wasn't accompanied be a comment that, "oh yeah, they're totally making a Cowboy Bebop live action movie." (Also, if you're gonna be putting up CB pictures, shouldn't you at least be giving us Spike? mmmmm Spike....)
Posted by: s. pisaster at March 3, 2008 10:59 AM
cockroach
I understand. *sniff*
I'll find my millionaire boytoy some other way.
And I hereby acknowledge your cataclytist/sweet instigator post in the infamous guzzle-myself-a-porn-name thread.
Posted by: Adere at March 3, 2008 11:05 AM
Adere
I'll find my millionaire boytoy some other way.
And I hereby acknowledge your cataclytist/sweet instigator post in the infamous guzzle-myself-a-porn-name thread.
If it's any concellation, the site is for guys who can't get girls in real life, even with their wealth, so they're all probably as ugly Paris Hilton's soul on the inside and out*
*okay, maybe not that bad
Posted by: cockroach at March 3, 2008 11:17 AM
Adere
I swear I italicised all of your quote. It clearly isn't my day for posting...
Posted by: cockroach at March 3, 2008 11:19 AM
RE: Ben Stiller looking like a retarded ferrit
Ferrits everywhere are deeply offended.
Posted by: Agente Provocatrice at March 3, 2008 11:21 AM
Agente Provocatrice RE: Ben Stiller looking like a retarded ferrit
Ferrits everywhere are deeply offended.
as are retarded people; they've got genuine genetic reasons for looking and acting the way they do.
Posted by: cockroach at March 3, 2008 11:25 AM
To do: Kill Twig
*pages secretary*
Hmmmm yes, Karen, sweety, mmmmm looking good, *cough* *cough* yes, clear my calendar for today.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at March 3, 2008 11:30 AM
Why do you all hate BarbadoSlim? He is avery nice, sexy man. Did you know I found his profile at
Richguyswhocantgetpooninreallife.com last week?
Posted by: Hello at March 3, 2008 12:06 PM
That picture had me thinking there would be Cowboy Bebop-related news in here somewhere. What a boner kill!
Posted by: Lex at March 3, 2008 12:25 PM
BAM!
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at March 3, 2008 12:25 PM
Ferret ferret ferret.
Posted by: I Hate That Guy at March 3, 2008 12:31 PM
Bibliogeek may have surpassed Gerard Manley Hopkins as my favorite poet...I may frame the above and hang it in my cubicle.
Posted by: Julie at March 3, 2008 12:32 PM
Cockroach
as are retarded people; they've got genuine genetic reasons for looking and acting the way they do.
Touché!
Posted by: Agente Provocatrice at March 3, 2008 12:33 PM
TK
Where do you get your sweater vests? The only ones I've found are either ridiculously expensive or in the boys section at H&M.
Posted by: IamKateness at March 3, 2008 12:35 PM
To do: Kill Twig
Dammit. Now I have to go find my Hattori Hanzo sword.
Posted by: twig at March 3, 2008 12:43 PM
Hey, it is Ed!
Hi Ed!
Posted by: Andre at March 3, 2008 12:51 PM
TK, do the sweater vests come from Banana Republic or J.Crew?
That is the only places I can think of that would sell them.
Posted by: Melody at March 3, 2008 1:22 PM
TK's sweater vests look so hot with his dog collar. Gotta love a man who's a walking contradiction. :)
Posted by: Julie at March 3, 2008 1:25 PM
OK, all of you shut the hell up about the damn sweater vests. Goddamn Kolby, starting trouble.
Posted by: TK at March 3, 2008 1:25 PM
Won't you be my neighbor, TK?
Posted by: twig at March 3, 2008 1:29 PM
Won't you be my neighbor, TK?
:snickers: It's been so long since I've hung out with Lady Elaine Fairchild and King Friday.
Posted by: Julie at March 3, 2008 1:50 PM
Now now, you know perfectly well that Fred wore zippered cardigans.
And who the hell is sitting on those dvd rights? Only Bob Ross is more relaxing!
Posted by: Jay at March 3, 2008 1:50 PM
I miss Bob Ross with his happy trees and his White Man's Fro of Awesomeness.
Posted by: Julie at March 3, 2008 2:08 PM
GAAAH!!!
Thanks very much to those who pointed out the eerie bug-eyed anime dude in the picture. I hadn't even noticed the picture until a moment ago, curious to see if Cowboy Bebop was less neotenously creepy than anime that I am familiar with.
*shudder*
Nope, still nightmare-inducing.
Posted by: MO at March 3, 2008 2:16 PM
Oh my God, the zip-up cardigans. I wanted to BE HIM when I was a little girl. With the house shoes and the outdoor shoes -- I don't know, he just seemed so delightfully civilized!
Posted by: Smithy at March 3, 2008 2:17 PM
I heard that Bob Ross' afro was actually a portal to the land of nightmares.
His calm demeanor and soothing tones were the only thing preventing creatures from the nightmare realm from coming into our world.
Not only was he a great painter, but it should be noted that he saved us all each time his magic paintbrush touched the canvas.
How do I know these things? In 1973, Ross was stoned outta his gourd and sneezed. When he sneezed, I tumbled out of the fro and told him of his destiny.
RIP, Mr. Ross.
Goddam, I've got to find something better to do...
Posted by: Skittimmus Maximus at March 3, 2008 2:18 PM
I once went out with a boy who had a t-shirt featuring Bob Ross's face and the legend, "Happy trees!" It was awesome.
Posted by: Smithy at March 3, 2008 2:21 PM
Something I learned on Mental Floss about Mr. Rogers and his cardigans: His mom knit all of them for him! How sweet (and perfectly Mr. Rogers) is that?
Julie, does TK wear his sweater vest & dog collar with leather pants to match the collar or khakis to match the vest? Also, does he wear said vest with or without a shirt underneath? I would think just a sweater vest on its own would be more his style, but I don't know him as well as you obviously do.
Posted by: tamatha at March 3, 2008 2:27 PM
"I heard that Bob Ross' afro was actually a portal to the land of nightmares."
Oh, my god, Skittmus, I think I just figured out how Ben gets back and forth to the island on LOST!!
Guys, lay off poor TK. He's a nice enough bloke. Besides, I thought it was my job to drive him bananas.
Posted by: Kolby at March 3, 2008 2:35 PM
Interesting fact: In the early seventies, I had a chance to work behind the scenes on Mr. Rogers show. Behind King Friday's castle were several puppet-sized bottles of scotch and many severed puppet-heads. King Friday had some serious issues, and although I was sworn to never discuss the things I had seen, I believe that the truth be known.
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at March 3, 2008 2:37 PM
Tamatha, TK (I imagine) is a very nice dresser who wears the dog collar under his shirt as to hide his nasty side from public.
Skitt, I KNEW it! I always perceived a murderous gleam in his eyes.
Posted by: Julie at March 3, 2008 2:48 PM
Have I been away so long?? What the frak is going on here? I am totally confused...
Hold me.
Posted by: Go Big Red at March 3, 2008 3:37 PM
Guys, lay off poor TK. He's a nice enough bloke. Besides, I thought it was my job to drive him bananas.
Posted by: Kolby at March 3, 2008 2:35 PM
Alright, but I cannot promise that somedays it will be hard to not comment.
Bob Ross!! That's it! I used to watch that guy on Saturday mornings as a kid. Does anyone else remember that he had a squirrel that lived in his fro?
Posted by: Melody at March 3, 2008 3:52 PM
Yes Melody - nightmare creatures often take the form of squirrels when they come into our world via white-man-fro.
Man, I'm losing my noodle...
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at March 3, 2008 4:16 PM
I swear, I go away for one weekend...and the site goes all weird on me. Who are all you people? Bob Ross? Mr. Rogers? Get help, seriously.
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 3, 2008 4:18 PM
Seriously, Shadows...where's the discussions of orgies and porn? This is not the Pajiba I know and lust over.
Posted by: Julie at March 3, 2008 4:20 PM
Although the possibility of a discussion of Mr. Rogers and orgies is currently giving me nightmares...
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 3, 2008 4:22 PM
SHADOWS!!! Don't go there, don't EVER go there!
:pictures a cardigan sweater tossed on the floor in a fit of passion:
...
:kills self:
Posted by: Julie at March 3, 2008 4:25 PM
No.
The only action going on is between X the Owl and Henrietta Pussycat.
Posted by: Jay at March 3, 2008 4:30 PM
The only action going on is between X the Owl and Henrietta Pussycat.
hehe...you said pussycat...
What?
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 3, 2008 4:36 PM
MO - No worries, my dear. I think everyone had similar questions about the origin of my name - so I'm glad I got the chance to clear it up. Also, it was funny...and if it's funny, it's excusable.
TK - Don't let them make fun of you for the sweater vest. Dig your heels in and buy several more in only the yuppiest of colors - as a matter of fact, it's almost spring - the pastels should be out in full force. Go get 'em!! In the interest of full disclosure: I have two sweater vests of my own. Ain't no shame.
Posted by: tt_marie at March 3, 2008 5:34 PM
I love that Laura said "pants" in the Boleyn thread. I love British insults. Pants. Hee!
Posted by: greer at March 3, 2008 6:55 PM
Do what you like to TK, Kolby.
Just stay away from his damn scotch.
It's mine!!!
All mine!!!!
Posted by: general rhubarb at March 3, 2008 7:10 PM
Mr. Rogers and porn? That's too much even for me.
Now if you don't mind, I'm heading back to WIMB to look at nearly naked Javier Bardem and think impure thoughts.
Posted by: KatyBelle at March 3, 2008 7:27 PM
MO - don't judge Cowboy Bebop by the picture of Ed! She - yes she - isn't really representative of the series (also, for the love of all that's holy, don't look up Faye Valentine. Her "outfit" is the one thing about the series I never could adjust to.) And not that I wanna encourage anything illegal or anything, but at least the first few episodes are on youtube (although they aren't all complete). look up Cowboy Bebop 1x01 - watching a few minutes is a pretty painless and accurate way to judge the series value.
Posted by: s. pisaster at March 3, 2008 8:35 PM
Please, people, have mercy on me. I'm already sick enough as it is. Don't start any kind of thread that involves Mr. Rogers and/or Bob Ross, orgies, porn, taco dip, or Scrabble, no matter what Julie says. I beg of you.
Posted by: Kris at March 4, 2008 1:36 AM
I made it into the box office round-up! Though, since I am British, just with bonus points rather than triple bonus points (bugger).
Back to lurking now.
Posted by: Laura at March 4, 2008 3:33 AM
Julie, I'm glad my years of suffering at the hands of my anime loving friends could bring you joy. That is ever the life and goal of a writer - suffer, then write about it. Not many people have done it about anime, though. I could probly get a grant or something - to further explore my anime angst through poetry. Homage (read: copycat) poetry, at that!
And Laura, bugger is my favorite swear word because no one in America knows how bad it is. I can even say it in front of my mom! Whee! Thanks, The British!
Posted by: BiblioGeek at March 4, 2008 5:00 AM
I can't believe I got only one laugh for the "Britney Spears" joke.
Posted by: Hater in Siloam Springs at March 4, 2008 12:29 PM
You can say what you want about anything else, but I will defend Cowboy Bebop to the death!
Posted by: monkey_b at March 4, 2008 9:13 PM
