'Leprechaun 4: In Space': The Real Time Review Brought To You By Medication
I am home sick with a sinus infection and some medicated syrup that knocks me out around 3-4 hours after consumption. This is the best way to do a Real Time Review of something like Leprechaun 4: In Space. The second best way to RTR this movie would be between smacking yourself in the face with a hammer, but I’m too goddamned cute to do that to the world.
:38 - This music is far too serious for a Leprechaun movie.
01:05 - Is that a bunch of asteroids or the same asteroid drunkenly pitching through space and time like the writer of this shit barrel?
02:06 - Hey, it’s pulling shit from Alien and the army dude in charge has a shiny plate on his head like an upgraded Zorg from The Fifth Element.
03:20 - I suppose the plot, yelled and repeated, is to find some alien that is fucking up processes on whatever clusterfuck planet they are protecting.
04:15 - THIS MOVIE IS SUCH INSANE FUCKERY THAT I CANNOT TYPE QUICKLY ENOUGH TO KEEP UP WITH THE SHIT ACCENTS AND MUMBLE MOUTHED LINE READINGS.
05:00 - Good news, they didn’t spend the money on special effects. Or actors. Or script. Or a director.
06:07 - We have our first leprechaun sighting when he scares a chick dressed up like a cross between Inara and Princess Leia. Leprechaun and Princess Inara are having dinner so that they can…bone? Does Leprechaun call his dick a rainbow and the pot of gold is his balls?
08:09 - Princess Inara is pissed that Leprechaun wants to marry her. Good news: Space Princess has a shitty accent, like Madonna when she was living in London.
09:00 - I think that the producers of this shit pile brought Ed Wood back from the dead and him act as a consultant on how to make everything look like hammered dog turds sprayed with glitter.
10:33 - These people probably have names, but I don’t know what they are. There’s Blonde Outsider, Tool Time Babe, Vaguely Familiar Black Actor, Generic Leading White Dude, Captain Halfhead, and the rest.
12:34 - One of The Rest has stumbled upon the dinner table covered with jewels the Leprechaun —HE HAS A FUCKING LIGHT SABER. THE LEPRECHAUN JUST KILLED ONE OF THE REST WITH A FUCKING LIGHT SABER AND NOW HE HAS A FUTURE GUN.
14:03 - The Leprechaun just threw himself on a grenade to save Princess Inara. I seem to remember Leprechaun being able to just T-1000 his body back together though. And another of The Other Ones is pissing on Leprechaun’s corpse and now I think he has syphilis.
16:16 - If you told me that this movie was made with a grant from the GOP in order to justify killing the National Endowment for the Arts, I would believe you.
17:56 - This movie needs Blast Hardcheese to come plowing through on his hover golf cart with Old Lady Gyratepants close behind.
19:03 - Captain Halfhead is arguing with Accent Head in A Box about contract provisions, so you know this shit is tight.
19:40 - If you thought they wouldn’t have a fucking disco bar scene of Tool Time Babe dancing up on Fake Bill Paxton, you would be wrong.
20:42 - There is now a Vaguely Familiar White Dude in the mix that I didn’t notice before. I will find out who it is and properly shame him.
21:28 - Ugh, Tool Time Babe and Fake Bill Paxton are making the grossest, wettest kissing sounds and I hope the Leprechaun kills them soon. OHHHH! Fake Bill Paxton peed on Leprechaun and whatever crawled up his dick is trying to escape!
22:49 - Fake Bill Paxton just birthed Leprechaun from his dickhole, kids. Now Leprechaun is doing a shitty John Wayne voice.
23:48: In the future, all the cups are plastic and purchased from Dollar General.
26:13 - Leprechaun just got kneed in the dick and it sounded like metal hitting metal. So funny.
27:35 - Creepy Scientist That Appears to Be Bisexual (Which Is Unrelated to the Creepiness) is sniffing the Princess Inara body as she shows signs of life.
29:28 - There’s a secret about Princess Inara being not dead? And Bad Accent Head wants CSTABB(WIRC) to keep it a secret? Which, well done because I don’t know what the fuck the secret is.
31:30 - Vaguely Familiar White Dude, and Generic Leading White Dude are going into an area that requires hazmat suits. Luckily, Leprechaun always carries one in his size and is in the area with them.
32:50 - The problem with low-budget hazmat suits made out of duct tape? THEY ARE VERY EASILY CUT BY LEPRECHAUNS AND ALLOW PEOPLE TO BE REDUCED TO SKELETONS. Goodbye, Vaguely Familiar White Dude, aka Rick Peters:
34:58 - Bad Accent Head In A Box says that Leprechaun may not have Princess Inara and General Halfhead is arguing contract provisions again. IS THAT BIG MCLARGEHUGE??
36:05 - Damn, it turns our Bad Accent Head In A Box is Bad Accent Guy Bolted To Like, A Motor Or Something and Some Futuristic Wheelchair. And the contract talks continue.
38:33 - THEY ARE STILL NEGOTIATING THE CONTRACT. WHO GIVES A FUCK. IS THIS STAR WARS EPISODE II OR WHATTHEFUCKEVER??
40:14 - Now Leprechaun is
monologuing. Monologueing Monologilizing talking non-stop.
41:19 - The Other Ones and Vaguely Familiar Black Actor are arguing about hiding to collect their negotiated bonuses. VFBA is like, no thank you, please. I AM ARMY GUY SPACE RANGER PERSON.
42:35 - Princess Inara has blue blood and CSTABB(WIRC) has discovered it will regenerate Bad Accent Guy Bolted To Like, A Motor Or Something and Some Futuristic Wheelchair. THE PLOT THICKENS AND BURNS.
45:50 - Someone watched all of the Alien movies, drank a fifth of Mad Dog, smoked a bowl, did nitrous, and then penned this monstrosity. They then followed the same steps before directing it.
47:22 - The sexual tension between Blonde Outsider and Generic Leading White Dude is imperceptible.
49:21 - Leprechaun is taunting The Other One with a workplace safety video? Uh. And now? MORE TALKS ABOUT PARTNERING TOGETHER.
51:50 - Did you know that this monstrosity started as a spoof of Apollo 13? It clearly ended up a spoof of Alien and the idea that the writers could actually write a cohesive and interesting script.
53:45 - THE TOOL TIME BABE’S NAME IS DELORES. DELORES THE SEXY SPACE RANGER. She shot Leprechaun in the head and the crew forgets that Leprechaun is unkillable and celebrates like a bunch of fucking dummies.
55:51 - Wait. How is it that I’m just now wondering what took Leprechaun into space? This movie is so inane and terrible that I’m just now thinking Leprechaun being in space is kind of questionable. Did he use the magic that changes from movie to movie? Did he hide on a space shuttle launch? Did he fart, like a really big fart, and it launched him into space?
58:19 - Another nut shot (with rebar?) and Leprechaun is in the room with Princess Inara and Bad Accent Guy Bolted To Like, A Motor Or Something and Some Futuristic Wheelchair. Bad Accent Guy Bolted To Like, A Motor Or Something and Some Futuristic Wheelchair begins making fun of Leprechaun, which seems like a poor idea.
59:47 - It was a nut shot with a knife or some such, but CSTABB(WIRC) isn’t dead and is sneaking up on Leprechaun with it. WHAT EVEN IS HAPPENING.
1:01:26 - Leprechaun has really nice, shiny hair. I bet he uses Tresemme, because he’s worth it.
1:02:16 - HOW IS THERE STILL LIKE 28 MINUTES LEFT OF THIS.
1:02:44 - The spider and scorpion we saw earlier finally came back. They’re in a blender with blue blood and Leprechaun is injecting it into Bad Accent Guy Bolted To Like, A Motor Or Something and Some Futuristic Wheelchair’s skull.
1:04:00 - The Army Space people are here to not save the day. Blonde Outsider gets acid to the arm, which doesn’t matter, and BAGBTLAMORSSFW is still twitching.
1:05:53 - Now Leprechaun can make dynamite appear on Captain Halfhead and Princess Inara is showing her boobs for some reason.
1:09:04 - Captain Halfhead is doing a drag show? New plot point: Leprechaun gold is in the Cargo Bay.
1:10:48 - Newer new plot point: BAGBTLAMORSSFW is alive and looks like brundlefly ate another brundlefly and then took a shit on a pile of half-digested pork ribs.
1:13:55 - HOORAY! THE SHIP SELF-DESTRUCT HAS BEEN ACTIVATED!
1:15:53 - My dog, Zero, is eating popcorn:
1:17:28 - Vaguely Familiar Black Actor is attacked by BAGBTLAMORSSFW. Blonde Outsider and Generic Leading White Dude are preparing to NEGOTIATE WITH LEPRECHAUN WHAT THE FUCK.
1:20:59 - I just checked my email. Blonde Outsider was out of bullets when she was right behind Leprechaun, but now there’s a laser attacking Leprechaun? And it’s making him a giant? It’s also making him blurry because I think they used Microsoft Paint for this effect.
1:22:30 - Aaaand Leprechaun checked to see that his dick was also bigger.
1:24:16 - Oh yeah, the self-destruct is still in effect. Seven minutes!
1:25:00 - BAGBTLAMORSSFW just ripped Blonde Outsider’s pants off. Because of course. Five minutes to detonation!
1:27:26 - BAGBTLAMORSSFW is dead. THIS MOVIE IS STILL NOT OVER.
1:29:07 - So they’re opening the cargo bay doors so that everything, including Ginormo Leprechaun can be sucked into space. And he is and then he explodes. BUT WAIT! Blonde Outsider still needs to find the password to stop the self-destruct of the ship!
1:31:14 - The Leprechaun hand floats by, flipping off our heroes and, by extension, us.
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