The Weekly Box Office Round-Up / The Eloquents
5. The Bank Job (Weekend: $5.7 million): “Statham makes venereal disease better. Statham makes constipation better. Statham makes choking on your own sick better. Statham make The Hottie & The Nottie bet… okay, that’s one thing he can’t do. Man, you’d think that I, of all people, could spell venereal … I’ve put some things in some very strange places.” — Skittimus Maximus
“Well I’m impressed. I fully expected this movie to blow chunks all over the back wall, but I guess I based that idea mostly on the horribly stupid name. Seriously? The Bank Job? That’s the best they could come up with? I take shits with more imaginative names than that.” — the Wakeful
“This looks like the first movie he has been in for a while that is worth seeing for something other than its Stathamness. Or Stathamosity. I have watched bad movies on cable just because of its Stathaminity.” — greer
“As far as I’m concerned, there’s only TWO kinds of films: Films Statham was in, and films he should have been in. — BarbadoSlim
4. Semi-Pro (Weekend: $5.9 million; Total: $24 million): (From Dan’s round-up) “Does anyone know how to get zombie brains out of fabric? These are my favorite jeans, and they’re a mess.” — Nicole
“Oh God! Yet ANOTHER French Nihilist high concept comedy! When will Hollywood stop pandering to the lowest common denominator?” — PaddyDog
(From Seth’s Round-Up): “People are bastard-covered bastards with bastard filling.” — Slash, quoting “Scrubs)
“It’s funny, cause I edited my comment from “I started speaking ‘retard’” to ‘Swahili’, because I know there are people who’s panties get all pretzeled when people wield the ol’ drool stick, and I managed to offend someone pretty much every time I express an opinion. So I try to pick something I think is safe and non-offensive. But once again, I just prove I’m a prick. I fail at life. I’d threaten to throw myself in front of a bus, but someone’s probably a fucking bus driver, or their mother was a bus or something. Goddammit. — insertclevernamehere
3. Vantage Point (Weekend: $7.5 million; $51 million): (From the DVD Release thread): “Despite my pronunciations of doom, my then-girlfriend and a couple we were friends with went to see Awake … We were even too numb to make out during it.” Shadows of Dakaron
“I’m gonna be sorry I asked, but were you planning on having a swingers lickfest with all four in the theatre? And you do this often? — Adere
There’s no way to post it all here, but for those who want to see the greatest online zombie war ever displayed on the nets, do see the DVD Release thread; it starts about halfway down, a raging zombie battle over Hackers and Jolie’s breasts, of all things.
2. College Road Trip (Weekend: $14 million): “Just to clarify, when I said “I’d kill you all”, I meant “you commenters” or “you Pajibites”. Not that I’d kill all the Irish, because then I’d have to kill my wife and that would really fuck up Christmas.” — TK
“Aaaaaand, the back-pedaling begins. Do you think that has anything to do with the fact that TK just realized he is but six days away from thousands of drunken Irishmen descending on down town Boston with nothing to do but seek revenge? Run, run and take your little lap-zombies in their pink frilly outfits with you, before my army helps you to understand what it’s like to be a sheep in a very special way.” — PaddyDog
1. 10,000 B.C. (Weekend: $36 million): “These 10,000 BC guys were obviously “metros” look at the impeccable facial hair sculpting, well developed “power-rodded” Bowflex physique AND, obvious lack of “stank.” — BarbadoSlim
“B-Slim, that’s because what they have transcends ‘stank.’ What they have is called ‘swamp ass.’ — Julie
“Oh my god. McConaughey is a CAVEMAN!!! From 12,000 years ago!! It all makes sense now!!!!” — Vermillion
“This movie hurts the anthropologist side of my brain so so so much. It’s the cinematic abortion of intelligent design.” — Stew
“I actually just got back from seeing this… Pay no attention to the review (nice try, Daniel) - THIS KICKED ASS! It was a thrill-a-fucking-SECOND rollercoaster ride of awesome kickassitude. Brilliant on a… god, I don’t even know… Comparing it to “The Matrix” or “Bladerunner” would be doing it a disservice. It was that goddam good. The best part? When the Geico cavemen get ass-raped by the Brontotriceratps-Rex - AWESOME! There were so many high-fives I could hardly hear the agonized screaming of those two wisecracking cavemen getting cornholed … When the cheering finally stopped, an old guy in the front stood-up and saluted the screen while tears rolled down his cheeks! Wow… Just, wow.” — Skittimus Maximus
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Comments
I think I dislocated a finger ripping out Slim's jugular.
Posted by: Kolby at March 10, 2008 1:52 PM
That insertclevernamehere is one funny bastard.
Unless he's a lady, in which case...CALL ME!
Posted by: Bill at March 10, 2008 1:58 PM
I probably shouldn't pay attention to such things, but was anyone else totally distracted by the "Asian Girls for Love and Marriage" sidebar ad here? What the hell are the Pajiba-masters promoting??
Posted by: b at March 10, 2008 2:01 PM
Oh Skittimus, you never fail to make me giggle. Long may you rage.
Posted by: BeRightBack at March 10, 2008 2:27 PM
I for one never thought I'd see the words "cornholed" and "tears" used in quite that manner.
Posted by: longcoat000 at March 10, 2008 2:37 PM
Bill: Agreed, when I originally read Inserclevernamehere's comment, I had to concentrate on breathing after laughing so hard. I think she is a she by the way.
Posted by: PaddyDog at March 10, 2008 2:56 PM
Oh my Godtopus. I made the round up two weeks in a row. I'm having the vapors. Bring me my smelling salts!
Skitt, I lurve you.
I think I may have to see The Bank Job for Statham alone.
Posted by: Nicole at March 10, 2008 3:23 PM
"Seat and a steering wheel.."
Mmm... ex-diving God Statham and (for the men) Saffron Burrows. I think this is a movie everyone could love. Plus I loves me a good caper!
Posted by: Amanda47 at March 10, 2008 4:22 PM
Hooch IS crazy.
RE Bank Job: throughout most of the movie, Statham actually acts. But he does get to hit some guys in the face towards the end, so if you want to see some of dat action, it's in there.
I still would like to see the Geico cavemen get ass-raped by a dinosaur. If I had the skills, I'd do a stop-motion short film of it.
Posted by: Slash at March 10, 2008 4:27 PM
Scene: Rhubarb is surveying the carnage. Shot sweeps across the façade of a bar where bodies of humans and zombies are strewn from the doorway, windows and over the street. The whiskey fountain gurgles in the background. All else is quiet.
*sighs contentedly*
This moment is so great that I would cheat on that other moment with it, marry it, and raise a family of tiny little moments...
*wipes katana off on WBNS t-shirt*
Posted by: general rhubarb at March 10, 2008 5:34 PM
After looking at the premiere photos I'd say the candy's all yours, Amanda. Saffron was always too skinny for me but DAG!
Again I say, get me Anna Chancellor! She's still single, right? Kate's far gone and Kelly Macdonald is STILL with that Travis twit.
I mean....TRAVIS?!?
Posted by: Jay at March 10, 2008 5:53 PM
Despite what my exes may say to the contrary, I'm pretty sure I'm a dude.
Unless you think I'm a pretty lady.
Posted by: insertclevernamehere at March 10, 2008 6:55 PM
Insertclevername are you 'man pretty'?
Posted by: Amanda47 at March 10, 2008 11:16 PM
Nicole: try seltzer and baking soda. And next time you're going to off some zombies, wear your housecleaning/fat jeans.
Posted by: Kris at March 11, 2008 12:02 AM
I can't help myself. You guys kill me..granted there is a different writer for each review, box-office round up, etc.
...but, can we just outright admit that Scrubs is awesome, even the last few seasons. I get it. Some people arn't fans of Zach Braff. But the terrific thing about Scrubs is that the other cast members, even the secondary characters, seem integral to the show. Plus, it's one of the few tv series that I can sit through reruns of and still find something new to chuckle at. They had me at the musical/Broadwayesque episode.
Posted by: Mik at March 11, 2008 12:37 AM
I'm with you Mik at March.
*walks away singing*
Everything comes down to poo!
All across the nation, we trust in defecation!
Everything comes down to poo!
Posted by: general rhubarb at March 11, 2008 1:11 AM
God I love Scrubs.
Posted by: io at March 11, 2008 3:19 AM
I can't believe I missed the Zombie showdown thread. Time to stop lurking, time to start Pajibaing!
I don't know about everyone else's Braff issues, but the fact that I want to sit on his face troubles me... and that is why I hate him so.
Posted by: Electric Pants at March 11, 2008 5:18 AM
Oh, and what's with the WBNS shirts? What's all that about?
Posted by: Electric Pants at March 11, 2008 5:19 AM
Thanks Kris. In my defense, no one could have predicted the zombie war. I might have to start wearing my fat jeans every time I come over here, just in case. I wasn't even fighting! I was drinking beer and watching the slaughter.
Posted by: Nicole at March 11, 2008 9:29 AM
Insertclevernamehere:
My humblest apologies. I was sure you were toting some ovaries and mammary glands. I may have missed some threads that made it obvious you were not a she. You're still one of the funniest commenters though.
Posted by: PaddyDog at March 11, 2008 10:31 AM
Awww, you got me blushing. That ought to carry me through most of my bitter cubicular existance.
Paddy, 'tis all good, I know you've had to defender your gender more than once, so it's no worry. Besides, if I had to be a lady, I would want to be a Pajibababe. They gots the whiskey in dem.
And am I man pretty? That depends on how sexually appealing you find Paul Giamatti or Danny Devito. So, hell yeah, I'm sexier than a vat of pudding covered sexy.
Posted by: insertclevernamehere at March 11, 2008 11:15 AM
Mmmm....pudding covered sexy. That's going to be the name my clothing store, located right next to my mexican restaurant, The Homeless Taco.
Posted by: TWoP Fan at March 11, 2008 11:24 AM
The Homeless Taco sounds like some sort of sexual maneuver. Done using the fine clothing line at Pudding Covered Sexy.
Pudding Covered Sexy...when custard no longer turns you on, try getting Pudding Covered.
Posted by: JustBill at March 11, 2008 11:47 AM
reading this before my lunch break is never good. now i'm hungry for tacos. and pudding. and statham.
Posted by: nona at March 11, 2008 12:37 PM
Holy shit, I made the roundup, that was nice of whoever put this together. Also:
"I'm with you Mik at March." - general rhubarb
See, the dudes name was Mik, but he posted at march 11, so rhubarb thought his name was Mik at March. Anyone else think this is funny as fuck? no? alright then
Posted by: the_Wakeful at March 12, 2008 10:50 PM