Hell's Bells, They're Dragging You Down
"The Wedding Bells" / The TV Whore
Mar. 7, 2007
I’m writing this introduction before having watched this show’s premiere episode and I’ll say that my expectations for it are quite low. These low expectations come both from reviews I’ve already seen and because of my lack of interest in the storyline of the show itself (as my Comcast DVR describes it: “The Bell sisters take over the family wedding-planning business after their parents divorce”). So why, you ask, do I intend to review it?
Because it comes from David E. Kelley and, for better or worse, there’s still love in my heart for the man. I enjoyed some of “L.A. Law” well enough, I loved “Picket Fences,” I was a huge “Chicago Hope” fan, I enjoyed the earlier, comedic parts of “Ally McBeal” (there was a time that Greg Germann’s Fish was my favorite TV character), and I even enjoyed the first year and a half of “Boston Public.” Plus, the genesis of my life as a TV critic was an impromptu review of the atrocious first episode of “Girls Club,” said review coming in the form of a simple e-mail sent to several friends (including Pajiba’s own Dustin). And then there’s the fact that he’s an alum of my law school, he was our graduation speaker, and I’ve even inadvertently followed in his footsteps by performing in, writing for, and assistant-directing the law school’s annual theater show.
And he married Michelle Pfeiffer, for crying out loud.
None of that raises my expectations for this show, mind you, since he’s taken several missteps over the last several years. But I feel like I owe it to the guy. However, I have too much writing on my plate to give this the full-blown review I normally would do. So I’m going to steal a page from Dustin’s book and go with a real-time review (but just with minute markers, without the seconds, ‘cause I’m too lazy for that shit). It probably won’t be nearly as funny or entertaining as Dustin’s most recent such piece (Open Water 2), but c’est la vie.
Oh, and while the show premiered Wednesday night at 9, that was a sneak peak intended to leech off of the preceding episode of “American Idol.” Fox will be airing the premiere episode again in the show’s regular time slot, Friday at 9 p.m. (which means you can watch the show while reading my running commentary — it’s like a DVD extra!). Now, on with the show. …
00: Fox let the “American Idol” credits bleed over a little bit, sparing us several seconds of what I’m guessing will be a rather painful hour. We should probably cherish each of these seconds.
01: Teri Polo is one of the Bell sisters, which makes me happy, as I have a bit of a crush on her (despite her appearance in Meet the Fockers). But Pamela Adlon is also in the show (although, since she’s dressed as a bride, I’m guessing it’s only for this episode), and I can’t forgive her for being part of the failed experiment that was HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” even though she’s the wonderful voice of Bobby on “King of the Hill.” So these two cancel each other out.
02: Oh, see, the smooth wedding planners talk a hesitant bride down from her chain smoking paranoia, to make her realize that this is the man of her dreams, and she nods and says “you’re absolutely right,” and then turns around and flees. That’s funny! And one of the wedding planners says “we’ve got a runner” into her little lapel mike. That’s even funnier!
02: Women running in slow motion, as we are given a credit showing their character names. Nice way to do the opening credits, particularly because their fancy dresses allow for some boob jiggle. If the opening credits include similar boob jiggling every week, Kelley may just be on to something.
03: Commercial for Sandra Bullock’s new flick, Premonition. I actually kind of dig the poster for this movie. As for the movie itself? … I kinda dig the poster for this movie.
06: Commercial for “TV’s newest phenomenon,” the Jeff Foxworthy-hosted “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?” This thing has been a ratings bonanza, and that fact alone pretty much answers the question for you, doesn’t it?
06: The show comes back with Sinatra’s “Love and Marriage” playing over a location shot. I kinda miss “Married with Children.”
07: Two platinum blondes in tight and low-cut red tops and heels just hustled over to meet up with our wedding planners, giving us our second set of boob jiggles in five minutes. We’re two more scenes away from “Baywatch” territory here.
07: Shit. The show’s gone from boob jiggle to nasty arm jiggle (“it’s like a metronome”). Misfire number one.
08: One of the sisters might just be a whore. We’re back on track.
09: It took Kelley nine minutes to get his first reference to a lawyer (“Could you speak to Ernesto? He evidently put shrimp in the Epsteins’ marinara. They’ve hired a lawyer”). That might be a record for the longest he’s gone in a new show without a lawyer reference.
11: The Italian chef is hitting on Teri Polo. Back off man, she’s mine.
13: Ah! Polo’s husband is a lawyer (I think). Knew there had to be at least one.
13: Yup, that sister from minute eight is totally a whore — she just banged a groomsman and got called out by Polo Sister because she had the “sex hair.” Fantastic.
14: We’re back in commercial right now. You know, so far, I’m not sure what the tone of the show is supposed to be. I think Kelley’s going for the lighter dramedy angle, but the “-edy” part of that term usually requires some actual laughs. And so far, there’s been no whimsy, no wit, no funny, no laughs. Which is disappointing because, even in his crappier fare, I’ve usually found his intentional comedy to be more-or-less on.
17: Aaaand, we’re back.
19: OK, so we’re being introduced to the mother of the bride (who Polo Sister earlier referred to by some derogatory “Momzilla”-type name which I now forget). She’s talking to Whore Sister, and I’d like to share her little monologue with you verbatim:
Momzilla: I’m an acquired taste. I’m here to discuss the menu. I understand you’re one of the Bell sisters. … I hold $500 in my hand. You will take this on consideration of the following. My little baby is marrying a Jew. I have no problem with this — they’re very nice people. The $500 is for you to get the mail-order minister to slip in “Jesus” twice. I don’t care when. If he wants to stub his toe and say “Jesus Christ,” I’ll take it. But the man’s a savior, he deserves a mention.
20: … Sigh.
20: Catty in-fighting between Polo Sister and the Other Sister (no idea what her name is, and she’s just generic “professional woman”).
21: Oy vey. Polo Sister is lecturing Other Sister about how she’s a wedding planner because of bitterness over their parent’s divorce or something. I zoned out. But it was very serious, so I guess that was the “dram-” part of the dramedy.
22: The wedding singer is being told off by the bride, who’s a raging bitch. But, snap! He’s coming right back at her because she’s a “loveless fraud.”
23: And now the bride is telling Polo Sister and Other Sister that they’re fired, and bang — lawyer reference number two (not counting Polo Sister’s husband, as I’m still not totally sure he’s a lawyer yet): “If I do not receive a full refund by end of business tomorrow, I will be contacting my attorneys … of which I have dozens!”
23: And now the wedding singer is at a bar, bemoaning the fact that he’s just a simple wedding singer. I’m actually wishing Adam Sandler were in this show, that’s what I’ve already been reduced to, twenty-three minutes in.
24: Stupid joke with Polo Sister quoting “I Will Surive,” trying to be funny by saying it all serious and earnest-like and then getting called on trying to make a joke and … whatever, I still have a crush on her.
26: Naked chick, and they’re showing absolutely as much as they can without the FCC hounds being unleashed. Gotta love Fox.
28: Big confrontation between Polo Sister and the bride who’s trying to fire them, and the dialogue is so cheesy and stilted and just … sub-par. “Don’t you yearn sometimes to welcome a different man into your private areas?” Is Kelley going the Aaron Sorkin route and doing ‘shrooms while he’s writing?
29: Ah, and because it’s funny, the bride just repeated the joke, saying something about welcoming “another man into my private areas.”
30: Commercial. So the bride called Polo’s husband a bean counter, and since he’s repeatedly (in another flat joke), referred to himself as the chief operating officer of the business (“I’m the C … O … O.”), I’m going to guess he’s an accountant, not a lawyer. Which means we’re up to three legal references, because he made a crack about being very familiar with tax laws or something — it was a while ago, and nothing about this show is being stored in the “memory” portion of my brain.
32: I could really go for a Geico caveman commercial right about now — would really hit the spot.
35: Oh yeah, so Other Sister used to be hooked up with the company’s photographer, and she sorta wants to be back together with him (that was some of what her earlier catty in-fighting with Polo Sister was about). But he was the one with that naked chick in his apartment, so that might not happen. So, to recap, we’ve got this awful relationship thing. And then Polo Sister has problems with her husband, who also works for the company (of course), and she’s also being wooed by the chef who has a stupid accent and pretends to be Italian but is actually Greek or some shit. And then there’s the Whore Sister who is, you know, a whore. So three totally cliché setups for the three lead female characters. Somewhere in here there’s a joke about his relationship with Michelle Pfeiffer and why he doesn’t know anything about real women, but my brain’s a little too flat to come up with one, so we’ll make this a Reader Fill-in-the-Blank.
36: OK, that was a minorly funny moment. The wedding singer was apologizing to the bride, and there was this cheesy music playing on top of it. But the bitchy bride calls him out on the fact that he had the band scoring his apology (so it wasn’t just the show’s soundtrack, you see). Cute. Not hilarious, but I’ll take what I can get at this point.
37: The jiggling boob twins are back with another hustle, this time in low-cut, tight pink tops. But it’s not sexist, because the joke here is all about them wanting to show their cleavage off, you see?
38: Umm … wow. OK, time to rewind and transcribe some dialogue again. So this black lady who works for the wedding planning company is chewing out the two blonde chicks over their fascination with having their cleavage show, and explaining that they’re not the brides, and they can have all the cleavage they want at their wedding. Or something like that — I was staring at the cleavage. Anyway, let’s pick up at the end of her diatribe (and I’m sorry, I totally don’t know any character’s name here):
Black Lady: … What’s wrong with the both of you.
Boobs 1: …
Boobs 2: …
Black Lady: Why you looking at me like that?
Boobs 1: Umm, please don’t take this personally …
Boobs 2: … but we’re totally afraid of black people.
Boobs 1: Not the Cosby kind.
Boobs 2: But when they’re angry.
Boobs 1: It’s totally cultural.
Boobs 2: Oh my god, totally. Do you have a record?
We’re totally afraid of black people? The Cosby kind? I mean … can we just have some more breast jiggling please?
39: Awwww. …Whore Sister just learned a valuable lesson. She was about to bang that groomsman again, only to find out that he’s married. Could this be the turning point where she stops being a whore and becomes a sweet flower?
39: Polo Sister’s husband again notes that he’s the company’s C-O-O. I’m waiting for when that’s going to be funny (I believe it’s the third time now).
40: It’s the big confrontation between Polo Sister and her COO husband. Good times, good drama.
41: … Sigh. The husband gave this big “manly” speech about why it’s not OK for married women to be attracted to other men, and of course at the end of it, Polo Sister says: “Russell, that was almost sexy.”
44: Chuck Norris in a Mountain Dew commercial! Totally the best thing to happen in the last 44 minutes.
45: Commercial for the local news: “The newly developed super-tomato … that could prevent birth defects - next!” Strike my Chuck Norris comment. Super Tomatoes totally trump Chuck Norris.
46: Our first patented David E. Kelley character quirk! The bitchy mother can’t cry: “I have defective tear ducts — it’s genetic.”
46-47: Musical montage as everyone gets ready for the wedding. I hope there’s one of these in every episode, ‘cause that won’t get old at all.
48: The Bitchy Bride isn’t going out there “because I don’t feel sexy. I need to feel sexy on my wedding day and I’m not sexy!”
49: Hahahahahaha. … The photographer kicked everyone out of the room and he’s making her feel sexy again by taking sexy photos of her licking her lips, baring her shoulders, hoisting her dress, etc. So stupid.
50: Never mind — not stupid. Genius. Kelley just got us another breast jiggle, and two gratuitous cleavage shots!
51: OK, the priest just started the ceremony, and there’s gonna have to be a call-back and “payoff” to the bride’s mom demanding two Jesus shout-outs, right?
52: Sho’ nuff:
Priest: We are gathered here in the name of love and God. Whether your God be Jesus Christ, Moses, Mohammed. …We are here to celebrate the love and union of Amanda Pontell and Jesus Christ. …Ivan Cohen, I beg your pardon.
Slam dunk!
53: The Boob Girls showed up with their cleavage out anyway. God bless you, David E. Kelley.
53: But here comes the Black Lady to yell at them (I’m sorry I don’t know your name Black Lady), which gives Boobs 1 a chance to say: “Oh my god, it’s the black person.” Oh my god indeed.
55: Another shot of Boobs 1 and Boobs 2 and their dancing cleavage. I can’t wait to go back through this review and come up with a final tally.
55: And the bride’s dancing with a boob jiggle move. Fantastic.
55: And Polo Sister is dancing with her husband, but looking at the Italian/Greek chef guy. Man, there’s gonna be trouble there, I’ll tell you what.
56: Another shot of Boobs 1 and Boobs 2 dancing and jiggling. Unbelievable.
56: Whore Sister has been with 32 men. I’ll turn this over to the readers. So what’s the ruling here, does that mean she’s officially a whore or what? What’s the whore standard out there these days?
57: Man, this relationship crap between Other Sister and the photographer is even worse than the Polo Sister drama. Whore Sister is by far the best of the sisters, simply because there’s no relationship drama to be had (I’ll take whatever bad whore drama she’s going to have over bad relationship drama any day of the week).
58: OK, seriously people. David E. Kelley is a genius. The bride’s dress just caught on fire. Stupid. But folks try to put it out by stomping on her dress, causing the dress to rip and expose her naughty black garters. Brilliant.
59: This season, on “The Wedding Bells.” Another shot of Boobs 1 and Boobs 2 running and jiggling! … And some more stupid relationship crap.
OK, so here’s the final tally. One naked chick (as naked as can be at 9 p.m. on network TV). One set of naughty black garters. Four gratuitous cleavage shots (counting Boobs 1 and Boobs 2 separately, but only when they were not also jiggling). And ladies and gentlemen, fourteen pairs of jiggling boobs.
I won’t be watching this show again, don’t get me wrong. But I totally applaud you, David E. Kelley. In fact, my man-boobs are jiggling in admiration.
Seth Freilich is Pajiba’s television columnist. And one of these days, he may try to dig up that “Girls Club” review and give you a sneak peak at where it all began.
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Comments
I don't know. It depends on how long it took her to sleep with 32 men. If it took her ten years, that's not so bad. But I guess it's all subjective.
For the record, I loved Picket Fences too. It was kind of a user-friendly Twin Peaks. Or maybe that's just me.
Posted by: Smokin at March 7, 2007 11:54 PM
I applaud you, because I could not get passed the insipid, yet lovable and cute, racist twins at minute 38. I actually changed the channel to In Case of Emergency, from which I decided that the static channel with white noise would be better entertainment.
P.S. You may remember the Black Lady from the now cancelled show with the chucky redhead, emaciated white guy, and Eric Roberts (Thank you God for smiting down that pathetic show...I really love you one for that.). Anywho, I think her name is Sherri Shepard.
Posted by: Daisy at March 8, 2007 12:00 AM
Best. Review. EVAR.
And thank you for doing a boob census so others won't have to. If Kelley is truly the genius you say he is, he will make sure a lesbian kiss ends up on that show before it is canceled.
By the way, isn't the only way Whore Sister is a whore is if she charges money for sex? If she gives it away for free, she is more of a slut that a whore.
Posted by: Vermillion at March 8, 2007 12:03 AM
To Vermillion,
In a way Whore Sister is charging for sex, since she is sleeping with men that are paying for her Wedding Planner services. Even though I did not actually see her do any "wedding planning" during the section of the show I could get through, I am sure Mr Kelley wouldn't just write a flat and unneccessary character in such a masterpiece. Maybe there will be a twist in the show and we will learn that being a whore is indeed her job description, which will lead to more of the tasteful "Dramedy" he has created in the first episode. Let me know how the whore situation works out, because I don't have the patience to waste another second of my life on this show.
Posted by: Daisy at March 8, 2007 12:15 AM
32 men...I'll turn this over to the readers. So what's the ruling here, does that mean she's officially a whore or what?
Jesus Christ, I sure hope not.
Posted by: Jerce at March 8, 2007 12:37 AM
Jerce, can I have you phone number baby?
Posted by: paco at March 8, 2007 8:34 AM
"Nice way to do the opening credits, particularly because their fancy dresses allow for some boob jiggle."
So this show is Baywatch with a 3 tiered cake? Any chance of an extra-special episode with The Hof as a wedding singer?
Posted by: Brian at March 8, 2007 9:32 AM
The show with the chunky redhead was "Less Than Perfect" which also included the comedic stylings of one Mr. Andy Dick
Posted by: Brian at March 8, 2007 9:41 AM
ugg, I came in for minute 48 onward of this crap while waiting for Lost, and my sister was really into it; so unfortunately this crap may be around for a while since it seems to capture the 18-35 female demo pretty well.
Posted by: peter at March 8, 2007 10:15 AM
Isn't 32 hovering dangerously close to "I can't remember his/her name but I know it was good" territory? I say, if you stop remembering their names after a while, you've crossed the line into whoredom. Sadly, though, I'm no expert.
Posted by: Kolby at March 8, 2007 10:23 AM
"I say, if you stop remembering their names after a while, you've crossed the line into whoredom"
Awww crap.
Posted by: WS at March 8, 2007 10:43 AM
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Posted by: Kolby at March 8, 2007 11:23 AM
32 guys is not that much.
lets say that she is 34 that meens 2 guys a year since she turnd 18, that is not much.
Posted by: 13thDuke at March 8, 2007 11:26 AM
i'm wondering why you didn't mention 'the practice'? not only is it kelly's best show, but it has to be one of the best legal dramas ever.
i miss 'married with children' too.
Posted by: jj at March 8, 2007 11:36 AM
"32 guys is not that much.
lets say that she is 34 that meens 2 guys a year since she turnd 18, that is not much."
Weighing in on the "whoredom" thing...hmmm...I don't think the "whore" on the show is supposed to be 32. Seems like she's supposed to be a lot closer to, say, 24. But that's just my take on it.
I don't think the number's as important as, say, intention? (That goes for both men and women). Knowing for a fact that someone is taken and sleeping him him/her anyway? Sorry, that's a whore. That's just me speaking from personal experience and opinion though.
I kind of hate how every show/network/movie/whatever geared towards women in that demographic always has to be cutesy/wedding related/Oprah-produced and flavored/housewifey. It's cool if women want to see those sorts of things, but other might want to see something else once in a while.
Posted by: em at March 8, 2007 12:13 PM
I've, um, been with, um one. My husband. Didn't mena for it to happen that way, but there you go. And I'm not yearning for a different man in my private areas, so... I guess I'll leave the defining of whoredom to those who are a bit more experienced. (Pun intended)
Posted by: Theresa at March 8, 2007 12:20 PM
but the show still sounds like utter crap. That I do feel qualified to judge.
Posted by: Theresa at March 8, 2007 12:22 PM
I agree with em: being labeled a whore depends on intention. If a person is sleeping around because they enjoy it and don't hurt anyone, who cares? If it's some kind of ploy to gain self-esteem through stealing the loved ones of other people, they are a whore. Male or female.
Then again, I might not be the BEST judge, having slept with more men than I am years old... and no, I don't remember all of their names. Or even half. Does that really matter though?
Posted by: not tellin' at March 8, 2007 12:46 PM
I suppose if you can still name everybody you've known carnally without sitting down with a piece of paper and pen, you're not a (total) whore. ;)
Posted by: superedna at March 8, 2007 12:47 PM
I suppose if you can still name everybody you've known carnally without sitting down with a piece of paper and pen, you're not a (total) whore. ;)
Posted by: superedna at March 8, 2007 12:48 PM
I'm with you Theresa. But I am going to agree with the conditional "It depends on how long it took her to sleep with 32 men". I'm pretty open minded about the subject.
Posted by: katy at March 8, 2007 12:50 PM
Got married at 33, "active" since 16, and have absolutely been with more than 32 dudes. Don't regret it at all. Perhaps it's because I live in NYC, but it doesn't strike me as all that many over that arc of time. No desire to be with anybody besides my husband, I think partly because I never felt like I missed out or anything. Not implying that others necessarily do if they've only been with their spouse, of course.
Dustin, you're a BU grad - as a lawyer, I must admit to being curious about where you went/where you practice
Posted by: Samantha T at March 8, 2007 1:47 PM
Anyone else notice how EVERY SINGLE BLACK PERSON on this show is either a) being ordered around by a white person, b) being insulted by a white person, or c) being told that their kind is "scary?" So not only was this show racist, it was also stupid, and unfunny, and I disliked every single character on the show. Way to go, DEK. Maybe I'll just skip Wednesday night tv after Idol is over. I hope this poor excuse for a piece of crap gets cancelled quick.
Posted by: jerkygirl at March 8, 2007 1:48 PM
"Whore Sister has been with 32 men. I'll turn this over to the readers. So what's the ruling here, does that mean she's officially a whore or what?"
In a row?!?
p.s. yes 32 men makes her a whore.
Posted by: jonathan29 at March 8, 2007 2:36 PM
WHY watch this show when your Wednesday night viewing should be reserved for Friday Night Lights?? Seriously people, I could give two figs about football or any other sport for that matter and I ADORE this show.
Posted by: Amanda at March 8, 2007 3:25 PM
I'm tired of these stupid cutesy show titles. Not knowing a single thing about this show, just based on the publicity show and title, I knew it was going to be about a family of wedding planners whose name is "Bell". My. How witty.
Posted by: Ari at March 8, 2007 3:49 PM
The whore discussion reminds me of the old Chris Rock bit, talking about the difference between promiscuity among men and women. Men - whatever. Women?
"Three?! THREE!! Damn, girl... I guess that's just how you were raised."
Which of course raises the question - why are we limiting this discussion to women? Does 32 women make a man a whore?
Posted by: TK at March 8, 2007 4:17 PM
"Does 32 women make a man a whore?"
Haha, I'm not limiting it to women...
Posted by: em at March 8, 2007 5:01 PM
"In a row?!?"
jonathan29 - If there were some non-guys in between (say at regular intervals between #'s 18 and 25) it would matter? then she wuldn't be a whore? Girls only or farm animals as well?
Posted by: Brian at March 8, 2007 5:03 PM
""Does 32 women make a man a whore?"
Haha, I'm not limiting it to women..."
32 men makes a man gay, in which case the term is gigolo (not sure about the spelling)
Posted by: Brian at March 8, 2007 5:05 PM
I loved the show. I was very surprised an happy to see something new that I am into.
Posted by: Kristin at March 8, 2007 5:27 PM
I suppose if you can still name everybody you've known carnally without sitting down with a piece of paper and pen, you're not a (total) whore. ;)
Aww, SHIT.
Please don't anybody tell my husband, OK?
Posted by: Jerce at March 8, 2007 5:42 PM
Seth, when you mention "Girl's Club" I don't understand your negativity... THAT SHOW HAD INFINITE POSSIBILITIES! They were female lawyers and they were sassy. And they each represented a different hair color! Cancelled after only three episodes!?!?! Where's an interrobang when I need one? This only proves there's no justice out there.
Posted by: George Scroat at March 8, 2007 5:54 PM
I've slept with 32, and seeing most of them were over 10 years ago, I can't remeber everyones names, lol. Dude I was a partier when I was young.
Oh well now I am only my husbands whore.
Posted by: call me whore at March 8, 2007 6:11 PM
Amen Amanda. My Wednesdays are definetly saved for FNL. But I'm probably being optimistic, since my darling show needs a Hail Mary pass to save it from cancellation*sigh*
Not sure about the 'whore' issue, because I think I hold MYSELF to a prudish standard, but I wouldn't assume another woman is a whore for sleeping w/ 32 men, unless we're talking about a difference of hours or something.
Posted by: jenintx at March 8, 2007 7:11 PM
Hey, this review and this site was name dropped in the commentary of Ain't It Cool News!
Posted by: Lazy Scranton at March 8, 2007 8:44 PM
This review and site was mentioned on Ain't It Cool... just thought I'd mention that.
Posted by: Lazy Scranton at March 8, 2007 8:46 PM
"Does 32 women make a man a whore?"
Yes, yes it does...
Posted by: mimi at March 8, 2007 9:14 PM
And I guess Seth got his title after watching 32 straight hours of TV?
Posted by: Brian at March 8, 2007 10:03 PM
Thank you, TK. Let's not limit the discussion to men, although I'm not sure why it's a value judgment for either gender. The only concerns I'd have about sleeping with a man-whore are mainly health-related, not "OMG, what kind of person are you?"-related. But I'm weird like that.
Perhaps I'm too much of an optimist, but on the plus side, I might be rather appreciative of the practice said man-whore has had, if you know what I'm sayin'. It's always nice when a man knows what the hell he's doing down there.....
Posted by: Daphne at March 8, 2007 10:05 PM
Maybe some people enjoy or need sex more than others. Who are we to judge? You can't masterbate all the time.
I think maybe all of these derogatory terms used to describe sexually active women were created by men who were jealous that they couldn't get it anytime they wanted it (c'mon it's easier for chicks to get laid) I don't see any negative words to describe premiscious men that have been around for a long time. We've made some up in recent history, but "man-whore" and "gigalo" are funnier, not so insulting.
I honestly don't know the exact number of men I've been with. I'm sure I could figure it out if I tried, but I really don't care. My number doesn't define who I am. You certainly wouldn't look at me and say, "Whore."
Posted by: Call me a whore 2 at March 8, 2007 10:34 PM
Did she sleep with 32 men during the course of the first episode?
Posted by: ecp at March 9, 2007 3:07 AM
To Call me a whore 2 who said you can't masterbate all the time, clearly, you've never been unemployed.
Posted by: ecp at March 9, 2007 3:10 AM
32 doesn't make a woman a whore, but it certainly makes this guy feel pathetic, lonely, and inadequate.
Posted by: RaistlinBrown at March 9, 2007 4:09 AM
Since "whore" technically means one who has sex for money, no wonder there isn't really an equivalent for men. What woman would pay to have sex with a man? So no, sleeping with 32 men doesn't make a woman a whore. It just makes her trashy.
Posted by: AM at March 9, 2007 8:34 AM
Well, as the resident freak I'm going to step out there and say I actually enjoyed the show. I won't stretch so far as to say I loved it, by any means, but I liked it. I agree that there are some weak spots, but compared to the veritable shitfest going on across my 8 billion cable channels that makes me want to stick my head in the oven or beat my husband senseless with the remote? Not bad at all.
And, much like Call Me a Whore 2, I couldn't put a firm number on how many men I slept with over the years and couldn't possibly care less. No person's worth, or even character, can be fully summed up by the number of sleeping partners they have, or have not (as the case may be... you know who you are), enjoyed.
Posted by: Nola at March 9, 2007 10:10 AM
Whores sleep with people for money. No amount of regular non-commercial sex is going to tilt you over into that category.
Everyone has their own definition of what counts as immoral, or too much non-committal, non-commercial sex - but as long as there's no money changing hands, no-one's a whore. So to be honest I'm a bit dismayed at the reviewer even suggesting that not only the amount of people one sleeps with can make them a whore - but that a character could be one based on her having sex with *one* person (and I noticed you didn't describe the groomsman as a whore, either - just the Bell Sister).
Sorry, just because you may not agree with her philanderng doesn't actually make her a commercial operator.
(Sort of like calling yourself an "author" when all you've done is scribbled poems in a diary, self-published a family tree of kept a blog. You're not an "author" until your manuscript has been taken up by a real publishing house, and you're not a whore until someone's paid you for a shag.)
Posted by: Spongie at March 9, 2007 10:35 AM
"...her philanderng doesn't actually make her a commercial operator."
Spongie, dear, I think you need to get laid. Maybe whore it up a little more, know what I'm saying?!
Posted by: Reynaldo at March 9, 2007 10:52 AM
It's always nice when a man knows what the hell he's doing down there.....
Posted by: Daphne at March 8, 2007 10:05 PM
Now it's my turn: Awww, Shit.
To Call me a whore 2 who said you can't masterbate all the time, clearly, you've never been unemployed.
Posted by: ecp at March 9, 2007 3:10 AM
Right on! Wait...aww, SHIT.
I think the problem is that because it is more likely than not that a 'whore' (as in prostitute) has been with more men than an average non-whore, the term has become equated with promiscuity.
I blame daytime talk shows.
Posted by: Vermillion at March 9, 2007 10:55 AM
Couldn't agree more. And fully intend to. :-)
My point is against the rather inaccurate use of the term in question, not the liberal application of monkey love itself.
Or are you perhaps suggesting I should stick to less complex sentences? No can do, honey.
...;-)
Posted by: Spongie at March 9, 2007 10:57 AM
Hmmm...do I smell a feministic argument brewing?
"No amount of regular non-commercial sex is going to tilt you over into that category."
Again, I agree. Like I said, it's all about intention. Also, sticking to that belief, the (married) groomsman is totally a whore, since he a) knew he was married, and b) fucked the "slutty" Bell girl anyway. She slept with 32 guys--meh. He cheated on his wife--BIG deal.
Posted by: em at March 9, 2007 11:01 AM
Call me a neo-con, but I think they're BOTH big deals. What guy wouldn't honestly be freaked out at finding out that his girlfriend had been plowed by 32 dudes? For that matter, what girl wouldn't be freaked out that her dude had nailed 32 chicks? Both by the time they were in their late-20s, early-30s? Life is not a Cinemax movie.
Posted by: Dead Furst at March 9, 2007 3:20 PM
Re the "32 = whore" theorem, all I can tell you is when you get to 40, married (happily) and mortgaged, and suddenly there are potentially fewer years in front than behind, you look back at the single years and think "shit, only 32, I could have fitted a few more in surely!" And let me just clarify theat "fitted a few more in" does not refer to group sex.
Posted by: PaddyDog at March 9, 2007 3:23 PM
I side with PaddyDog. I'm very settled at 36 with "the one" (we celebrated our 5th anniversary a few days ago), but I wish I'd been more relaxed about sex when I was younger. It's definitely something I regret. I can count my sexual partners on a mere two hands and somehow it doesn't seem to add up to quite enough life experience.
Posted by: ranylt at March 9, 2007 3:30 PM
"What guy wouldn't honestly be freaked out at finding out that his girlfriend had been plowed by 32 dudes?"
Obviously mine, who knew and then voluntarily became my husband, he doesn't give a shit at all. He adores me.
Posted by: call me a whore at March 9, 2007 4:48 PM
What guy wouldn't honestly be freaked out at finding out that his girlfriend had been plowed by 32 dudes? For that matter, what girl wouldn't be freaked out that her dude had nailed 32 chicks?
Well, I know of at least ONE guy and ONE woman in the world who could care less what the person they love got up to before they met and decided to commit to one another, other than to enjoy the sexual experience/expertise we each gathered during our filthydirtysinfulfun youth.
I'm sorry if your own youth was wasted on empty "virtue" (that's just a guess based on what you say and how you say it), but that would be no one's fault but your own. And if you judge a girlfriend/potential girlfriend on things she did before she even met you (again, just a guess re your character), you deserve to be alone, frankly.
Posted by: Jerce at March 9, 2007 5:29 PM
. . . if you judge a girlfriend/potential girlfriend on things she did before she even met you (again, just a guess re your character), you deserve to be alone, frankly.
Seriously - any guy who felt that he has a right to object to how many dudes had "plowed" me (what a charming turn of phrase) before I met him just completely and utterly lost the opportunity to ever be my boyfriend.
Posted by: ella at March 10, 2007 12:26 PM
What dumbass would tell anyone how many people they had sex with??? Any way you look at it, there's going to be something wrong with your number! I say it's no one's beezwax.
.....oh and ummm, yep 32 - she's a ho!
Posted by: Slygirl at March 10, 2007 3:49 PM
The commercials were enough for me to decide that this show wouldn't hold my interest. I did find the part with 'Black Lady' pretty funny, though. She was great as Robert's policewoman partner on Everybody Loves Raymond, so I'm sure she'll have no trouble finding more work after the inevitable cancellation of this piece of dreck.
Posted by: krank at March 12, 2007 12:13 AM
Well, Jerce, then I suppose you wouldn't admire a person you're dating based on any accomplishments or character-building experiences he or she may have had before you met him/her either...Makes dating awfully difficult, I guess.
Posted by: AM at March 13, 2007 9:40 PM