Finally! A Film Featuring Vaginal Flatulence!
The Heartbreak Kid / Dustin Rowles
Zombie fucking Christ. You know what? It’s one thing to inflict an awful movie on to the viewing public. Hell, I review a bad movie three out of every four weeks. I’m fine with that. It’s my lot. I’m not complaining. I watch movies for a living when I could be working at some two-bit law firm trying to work up a class-action suit against donut manufacturers for depriving us of an extra three ounces of doughy deliciousness that, “constitutionally,” we have a right to enjoy (the most common phrase you’ll ever hear as lawyer: “That’s my Constitutional right.” Yeah: Fuck you. Have you ever read the Constitution? Which amendment is it that says I have to listen you bitch about your chronic fatigue all day?)
Anyway, I’ve come to understand that most filmmakers don’t seem to know shit from an elbow in their ass (something you don’t need to be a critic to comprehend). The industry is no different from the post office — some mailmen bring you your mail on time, every day, while some of them shove it in their closet and watch “The View.” Likewise, laziness, incompetence, and plain stupidity are clearly not a disqualifiers in the industry. For every Marc Forster or Judd Apatow, there’s three Dennis Dugans, six Mark Helfrichs, and a Brett Ratner. I’m fine with that. Hell, occasionally, I even find some sick masochistic joy in cinematic asphyxiation because the release can be so powerful. Good Luck Chuck: Bring it on! Balls of Fury: Make another!! Benchwarmers: Make it a trilogy!!! Grandma’s Boy — well, I won’t go that far.
But, damn: The Heartbreak Kid? It’s just not fair. I didn’t sign up for this. I don’t mean to sound like the whiner I surely sound like right now, but nobody told me that I’d have to suffer that much. I didn’t just take a bullet — I just stood in the crossfire of a John Woo gunfight. This is what Tony Montana must have felt like at the end of Scarface, only I didn’t have a pile of blow to dull the pain. If anybody had warned me ahead of time, I would’ve taken a header off a balcony myself. I’m exhausted by the sheer mental will it took to stay awake. Because Heartbreak Kid isn’t just the worst film that Ben Stiller as ever made (and yeah, I’m including Duplex), it was two full hours of excruciating, prostate stabbing agony. It never ends. It just flaps around for hours like dead skin on the bottom of your foot. There’s an actual queef buried in the middle of this mess: And it’s the highlight of the entire film! Damn: I would’ve preferred 120 minutes of queefs to what I ultimately had to endure. Do I really have to listen to Jerry Stiller ask why his son doesn’t “crush enough pussy”? Does anyone actually think that “pussydick,” is an amusing insult? At what point, when Malin Ackerman is screaming, during a sex scene with Stiller, “Cock me! Cock me! Fuck me like a black man!” was I supposed to be enjoying myself? And those gems were the best parts of the movie. I yearned to see Ackerman’s pubic hair pop open like a Venus flytrap and reveal her massive “clit-ring” (seconds before she urinated on Stiller’s back) because at least I felt something, even if it was nausea. Because the other 7,131 seconds were nothing but raw, chafing tediousness, like waiting in a doctor’s office without the benefit of a six-month old copy of Popular Mechanics.
And one of the many, many things I hated about The Heartbreak Kid was one of the television spots I saw, proclaiming, “Finally, an R-rated comedy for adults.” Really? Really? Which adults, exactly, was this film aimed at? Because not even the pea-brained cretins would’ve found much enjoyment in it. It wasn’t a matter of high-brow comedy or lowbrow comedy, it was a matter a complete lack of any comedy at all (I mean, aside from the whole “pussy crushing” spiel, though to be fair, “snatch” was used interchangeably).
I won’t even mention that this is a remake of a 1972 film scripted by Neil Simon, because to even suggest there is a tenuous connection between this film and that one would make Neil Simon turn over in his grave (oh, he’s not dead? Well, wait until he sees this film.) The plot, however, is as such: Eddie (Ben Stiller), a single 40-year-old man with a toothache for a father (Jerry Stiller), meets Lila (Milan Ackerman). She runs into a trash can on her bike and he decides to marry her. They go to Cabo for a honeymoon. She blows guacamole, over-the-counter prescription medication, and soda out her nose and then begs him to pile drive her with his “pussy” (a frequently used word in the film) during lovemaking sessions before she gets sunburn and Carlos Mencia puts his dick in her hand (I wish I were lying). Meanwhile, while she’s laid up with severe skinmelt, he goes out and meets the real love of his life, Miranda (Michelle Monaghan), who counts her paycheck while delivering a series of banal lines that she doesn’t even bother listening to as they come out of her mouth (granted, she looks stunning doing so). After a classic misunderstanding, where she thinks that he’s a widow whose wife was killed with an ice pick, she falls for him because he tells this really great joke about the time he got anally raped on a baseball field when he was a kid (what a catch!). Miranda, of course, later learns that Eddie is married to Lila; Miranda gets mad; Lila pisses on Eddie’s back; Eddie grows a beard and sneaks across the Mexican border with hundreds of undocumented immigrants in the back of a 18-wheeler and … well, I wouldn’t want to give away the ending.
But, I will say this: The Farrelly brothers are done. Yeah — The Heartbreak Kid may swindle $20 million out of an unsuspecting public this weekend, but even those with a comedic threshold so low it’s buried beneath the Mariana trench will realize that Peter and Bobby are cooked. It’s no longer possible in a mainstream studio film to up the ante on gross-out humor — once a cat fucks the rotting remains of a dead grandmother at the dinner table (Date Movie), the ceiling has been hit, and what the Farrellys began 19 years ago has run its course. And when the Farrelly brothers actually attempt to awkwardly splice in a few gross-out gags into an otherwise straightforward and mercilessly dull romantic comedy, you know it’s time for those guys to pack it up and either find a new approach or an entirely different career. It’s never too late to go to law school, you know?
Dustin Rowles is the publisher of Pajiba. He lives with his wife and son in Ithaca, New York. You may email him, or leave a comment below.
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Comments
Before I even read this I just want to say thanks a lot. The title of this review has resulted in the prominent ad on this site to be for a "fart button". How can I pretend to feel superior for being here now?
Ha ha! I apologize, Katy. But, I suspect if you push it, you'll get a lot more enjoyment than you would seeing this film, or perhaps even reading the review. I think I'm going to go click on it for the next half hour. -- DR
Posted by: katy at October 5, 2007 6:17 PM
Recently on this site you had a post about the only films you ever walked out of. Well, this one was my secound. So my list now is The Heartbreak Kid, and Nacho Libre. I told my boyfriend I would rather be home in my pjs watching reruns of The Office than sit through that piece of shit.
Is it me or are all the best reviews on this site for the really terrible movies?
Posted by: Alyssa at October 5, 2007 6:28 PM
Our local paper gave this 4 stars (out of 5.) I haven't bothered to read their review, and now I'm too frightened. I can't even imagine what in this they could have liked.
Posted by: pinkcheese at October 5, 2007 6:31 PM
Oh God, I gave in to curiosity and read the local review:
"a terrific setup that worked in Neil Simon's witty 1972 original, and it works equally well in the riotous update by the Farrelly brothers. "
"One reason the movie works so well is that it's hard to see how it can have a happy ending. Because it's a Farrelly movie, the characters are given a surprising depth...most of the time, their motivations are understandable, and they act somewhat like real human beings."
And the denoument:
"The Heartbreak Kid is consistently full of laugh-out-loud moments. The sight gags are outrageous, the story is genuinely involving and the whole movie has a bit of sweetness to it."
His only quibble was with Mencia's Hispanic lecher stereotype. I am officially terrified.
Posted by: pinkcheese at October 5, 2007 6:39 PM
"A model of intelligent adaptation as well as a free-standing entertainment in its own right, the pic sustains a superlative level of comic invention straight through to final frames."
That was the review from MSN.com. Did they watch the same movie?
Posted by: nancy at October 5, 2007 6:40 PM
Sweet holy merciful christ, Ben Stiller is the most fuckoff one-note actor ever. The only time I really, REALLY enjoyed him (without guilt: that guilt is zoolander. Ohhh to be stoned in high school) was "The Royal Tenenbaums" because he played his same, sniveling, OCD character he plays in every god damn movie. Except this movie was good.
And Alyssa, no. You are right. The best reviews I've ever read were the ones Dustin wrote.
Thanks for taking the bullet forever and ever sir. I shall dedicate my queefs for life to you. (wow.)
Posted by: Alexa at October 5, 2007 6:44 PM
How about this gem from the Washington Post? "For the Farrelly brothers, topping the slapstick and gross-out comedy of their lowbrow hits such as Dumb & Dumber and There's Something About Mary was never going to be easy. But in The Heartbreak Kid [] they have outdone themselves." (Yeah -- emphasis supplied)
Bwuh. The trailer made it pretty clear this was going to be excruciatingly awful. Is it my imagination or was The Royal Tenenbaums the last time Ben Stiller was connected with something remotely amusing?
Rob Corddry, why? Christ on a Christmas tree, WTF? You would have been better off doing a sequel to Blackballed.
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at October 5, 2007 6:55 PM
the worst film that Ben Stiller has ever made
Holy bleedin' hell...I mean, I knew it would be bad--it's Ben Stiller--but holy bleedin' hell...
I am officially frightened.
Posted by: Jerce at October 5, 2007 6:57 PM
So...Darjeeling Limited?
Yeah. Better get to that.
Posted by: that bees chick at October 5, 2007 7:13 PM
See, this is why I go to this website for reviews because The Globe and Mail gave The Heartbreak Kid **1/2 stars and described it as "raunchy, funny and sentimental."
This is why I hate The Globe and Mail...it has to have about the MOST pretentious arts section, despite having the worst taste in movies.
Posted by: citizen_cris at October 5, 2007 7:13 PM
Wow Dustin. Wow. I don't even know what to say. I feel like I NEED to see this film now because I'm really intrigued by this whole thing. Peeing, clit rings, dickpussies... How does that work into this thing?
I thought this was going to be another one of those lame rom-coms but its like the torture porn version of a rom-com.
thanks again Dustin for taking one for team...
Posted by: Justin Smith at October 5, 2007 7:18 PM
"...I yearned to see Ackerman's pubic hair pop open like a Venus flytrap and reveal her massive "clit-ring" (seconds before she urinated on Stiller's back)..."
Wow, just wow. Anyway, I suspected this sucked massive amounts of balls when I saw the clips with Stiller doing his "guy who puts up with way too much abuse" shtick.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at October 5, 2007 7:20 PM
The TV ads for this don't even make it look good. Usually, the ads and trailers are masterpieces of selective editing, but no scene in the TV spot for this I've seen looks the least bit entertaining, by even the most generous meaning of the word "entertaining."
RE constitutional rights: I bet Americans would be pretty surprised to hear how many things they think are constitutionally protected aren't and never were (and that's not a comment on Bush or Gonzales, just an observation that Americans are extremely ignorant about all aspects of law and the Constitution).
Posted by: LL at October 5, 2007 7:27 PM
Alyssa, I really do think most of the best reviews here are the ones for movies with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Oh sure, I'm always thrilled when Pajiba gives a good review to something I want to see, and the site-wide crush on Christian Bale makes me happy in my pants, but for the most part, I'm hear for the vitriol.
So yeah, let me add my thanks to Dustin for taking one for the team.
Posted by: telesilla at October 5, 2007 7:50 PM
How does any member of the Stiller family still get work in Hollywood? I can only think extortion of some sort. I always found Jerry to be incredibly annoying and unfunny in Seinfeld, and his son is even worse. I've never seen a B.S. movie (that's semi-intentional), and have no interest in doing so- the idea makes me feel like Weird Al doing "One more Minute". Every clip I've seen has him playing the exact same character.
Perhaps my memories of Stiller and Meara are misplaced? Or did the actually talented one of the family retire?
Posted by: rob at October 5, 2007 7:57 PM
Wait- was "There's something about Mary" a B.S. movie? If so, then I inadvertently lied.
But then, I thought that flick was overrated and not all that funny. So I pretty much just blocked it out.
Posted by: rob at October 5, 2007 7:58 PM
"Finally, an R-rated comedy for adults"??? Are they serious? Hasn't that what Apatow has basically made his name producing? It doesn't sound like this is a comparison they should be inviting. Bad ad department, bad.
btw: I think you mean "widower," not "widow." Though I guess with all the apparent sexual polymorphism.....
Posted by: be right back at October 5, 2007 8:16 PM
like the torture porn version of a rom-com
Justin, I don't think I've ever "seen" you here before, but that is brilliant, and I am stealing it. Thank you.
Posted by: Jerce at October 5, 2007 9:23 PM
Stiller was mildly funny in Flirting With Disaster; otherwise he's unbearable. The Farrelly Brothers have never ever been funny, not even a little. Bill Gates ain't got enough cash to make me see this movie.
Posted by: istanbul at October 5, 2007 9:50 PM
Okay, while we're talking about Stiller parts, except for Zoolander (guilty pleasure, yes), the only movie I liked him in was Reality Bites and that's because he played such a small part. Who decided he'd make a good leading man? Is it the hair?
Also, did they grey his hair for the movie or is he naturally greying?
Posted by: Renee at October 5, 2007 11:07 PM
It just flaps around for hours like dead skin on the bottom of your foot.
Wow. I tip my hat to you, sir.
Posted by: TT at October 5, 2007 11:11 PM
Ever had a friend just say something and you realized that you just... don't connect anymore. Like after knowing each for a lifetime, you realize your childhood friend is an idiot with no taste? I did when my buddy saw a promo for this during a football game and turned to me and said "That looks fucking hilarious!".
Posted by: Diablo at October 5, 2007 11:39 PM
"Finally, an R-rated comedy for adults"??? Are they serious? Hasn't that what Apatow has basically made his name producing? It doesn't sound like this is a comparison they should be inviting. Bad ad department, bad.
Yep. This was my thought when I saw the preview. So I guess 40-year Old Virgin, Knocked Up, etc. weren't comedies for adults. What the...
the torture porn version of a rom-com
Adding my vote to the truthfulness of this statement. Film makers gave up on finding ways to be funny and found the easy out in being offensive. We've gone from Say Anything, Sleepless in Seattle, and When Harry Met Sally to rom-coms that could qualify as an episode of Jackass and this is good how? If this is what adult relationships are like, no wonder I'm single.
Posted by: mb at October 6, 2007 12:05 AM
I didn't even bother to acknowledge this film since I never liked Ben Stiller to begin with. He reminds me of Dane Cook which basically means the same persona/character doing the same hilariously unfunny schticks (sp?) while somehow fooling most of America into believing that it's genius comedy. I'd rather run over my foot with my own car than endure Ben Stiller gems like Night at the Museum or this cinematic enema.
Posted by: Colin at October 6, 2007 1:19 AM
(Gah, why do I care?)
Her name is Malin Åkerman, not Ackerman nor Milan. Thank you.
Posted by: piedlourde at October 6, 2007 2:13 AM
I was around in 1972 when the original "Heartbreak Kid" came out, and I know that I haven't seen it since then, since it wasn't all that entertaining back then. So a remake wouldn't be very interesting especially replacing Charles Grodin with Ben Stiller.
Posted by: memikeyounot at October 6, 2007 3:02 AM
Diablo-
I know exactly what you mean. My boyfriend just broke up with me, and its been hard for me to pull myself back together. But reading this review reminded me of when we saw 3:10 to Yuma a few weeks ago (great movie!) that he turned to me after the preview for heartbreak kid and said, "that movie looks great!".
So yeah, this a reaffirmation that I am better without him. Thanks Dustin!
Posted by: Zoe at October 6, 2007 3:37 AM
I enjoyed Zoolander and What About Mary. But they were watch one time and forget movies. But how come no one has mentioned Dodge Ball? By far the best thing BS has done.
Posted by: EricD at October 6, 2007 5:22 AM
EricD But how come no one has mentioned Dodge Ball? By far the best thing BS has done.
Surely his best role was 'Himself' in the first episode of Extras
Posted by: cockroach at October 6, 2007 6:27 AM
Based on the review, I know this will be the #1 Movie this weekend.
Posted by: Andrew at October 6, 2007 8:51 AM
I have a theory that left to his own devices (ie. not reined in by a decent director) Ben Stiller is only tolerable when in full on "oddball" mode (Zoolander, Dodgeball... erm.... yeah) but when he's playing a "Joe Normal" kinda guy (Meet the Parents, There's Something About Mary, This Piece of Shit, Everything Else He's Ever Made) he's fucking unbearable.
And yeah, it's bound to kick ass at the box office because people in general suck.
Posted by: Alex the Odd at October 6, 2007 3:19 PM
Regarding Dodgeball, my theory is that BS was tolerable because he was tempered by Vince Vaughn. Otherwise, I would have had to defy all kinds of natural laws and/or logic to reach into the film and beat him down like he owed me money.
I, too, am perplexed as to why Stiller is not some bum on the street doing lame-ass impersonations for cash.
Posted by: Daphne at October 6, 2007 3:59 PM
There was one thing that struck me about the BS film Night at the Museum. By shear coincidence, the night before seeing it I had rewatched Captain's Courageous.
So one night I see Mickey Rooney as a young teen surrounded by Spencer Tracy, Lionel Barrymore, and John Carradine.
The next night he is ancient and surrounded by Ben Stiller, Dick Van Dyke and Robin Williams.
weird, just simply weird.
Posted by: EricD at October 6, 2007 9:33 PM
The only thing I EVER thought Stiller was funny in was his "Cape Munster" (Eddie Muster + Cape Fear) parody. Otherwise he's just another shrill grating jackass in a sea of shrill grating jackasses cranking out cinematic sewage for the LCDs in our society.
Posted by: ADP at October 6, 2007 10:52 PM
I always liked Ben Stiller,esp as Tony Wonder.
"I grant you MAGIC SANCTUARY".Ok fine,that was Buster's line,but good ep anyhu.
Posted by: daniel at October 7, 2007 3:53 AM
I always liked Ben Stiller,esp as Tony Wonder.
"I grant you MAGIC SANCTUARY".Ok fine,that was Buster's line,but good ep anyhu.
Posted by: daniel at October 7, 2007 3:53 AM
Looking at rottentomatoes.com, I began to see a pattern: The people who loved this movie the most were the same ones who also "loved" "Rush Hour 3" and "Balls of Fury."
Posted by: Betty at October 7, 2007 9:48 AM
I think the worst thing about this movie was how unconvincingly Carlos Mencia played a Mexican.
Posted by: Ezra Sitt at October 7, 2007 4:32 PM
Just Dustin's review of the "highlights" of this flick has put me on the verge of puking. Why is gross-out humor still popular? Even moreso, why is Ben Stiller? I remember his TV show for Fox that was fresh and funny as some of the stuff his folks (Stiller & Meara) did back in the 60's (yes, that's a compliment) and then have struggled to watch him in his big screen roles. He's odd-looking and irritating where he used to be kind of cute, such as the small role he had in Empire of the Sun. The guy needs to sit down and watch Steve Carrell and learn some things about subtle comic acting instead of being such a raging asshole.
Posted by: matt at October 7, 2007 5:31 PM
"And yeah, it's bound to kick ass at the box office because people in general suck.
Posted by: Alex the Odd at October 6, 2007 3:19 PM"
Fortunately this is not the case. AP is reporting that the film only raked in $14m with a 2nd place opening behind that Republican Disney drivel still @ #1. Maybe there still is hope for America out there.
Posted by: matt at October 7, 2007 5:36 PM
Have never, ever been a Stiller fan. The only thing he was funny in was the criminally underappreciated "Heavyweights". I will admit that he was very, very funny in that. That's it. I cannot stand that guy. Sounds like the only upside to this movie is that his beige little wife wasn't cast as his love interest.
Posted by: Samantha T at October 7, 2007 8:26 PM
Why call them undocumented immigrants? Are you afraid to say what they really are? Illegal aliens. Criminal invaders. A plague on our society. Call them what you will but don't hide behind a euphemism.
As for the flick, the best I can say is that at least Stiller isn't still in 2 out of every 3 movies the way it seemed a year or two ago.
Posted by: Max at October 7, 2007 11:11 PM
@ Max: "Call them what you will but don't hide behind a euphemism."
You just contradicted yourself in one sentence. Congratulations.
And the existence of this movie makes me sad. I liked Zoolander... although I suppose I can't think of anything else BS has done that I liked. I never got There's Something About Mary.
Posted by: Elizabeth at October 7, 2007 11:47 PM
Who knew Dustin was a strict constructionist?
Posted by: Chris at October 7, 2007 11:51 PM
Yep, looks like the Farrellys are cooked. Let's hope so anyway. Saw There's Something About Mary again the other day and, boy, that hasn't aged well. Though Kingpin seems to have aged rather nicely, which perhaps illustrates the value of playing comedy (relatively) straight.
And Michelle Monaghan? Has her career slide started already? Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang seems so long ago now.
Posted by: Craig at October 8, 2007 4:18 AM
I read a feature on Ben in GQ a while back. The writer pointed out that even though he appears to be mocking certain stereotypes in his movies (such as the gym owner from Dodgeball) he might be indulging in a little narcissism.
I agree, the dude seems to loooooove showing off his "physique."
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at October 8, 2007 8:15 AM
Unfortunately our movie night coming up in December (where they bring out the party pies instead of half a greasy chicken for supper) will include this tragedy with Elizabeth the Golden Age. Who ever decided that was a good pairing for people to see.....
Seriously I hope they put Elizabeth on first so I can walk out before the crap that is Heartbreak Kid starts. Also in Australia there has already been a movie called the Heartbreak Kid about romance between a teacher and a student and the trailers make that earlier film look like a classic!
The trailer just seems so awful and you know that they put the only funny bits in the trailers these days. Oh dear, not looking forward to December.
Posted by: Noo at October 8, 2007 6:28 PM
Ben Stiller isn't good enough to eat the peanuts out of Charles Grodin's shit.
Posted by: Fabiola Thing at October 8, 2007 6:49 PM
A O Scott of the NY Times said:
If you haven't seen the original version of "The Heartbreak Kid," you're missing a minor classic
If you haven't seen "The Heartbreak Kid," Peter and Bobby Farrelly's new update of that earlier picture, I'm jealous.
Posted by: Fabiola Thing at October 8, 2007 6:56 PM
It makes me physically sick that movies like this are actually being made. WTF? I knew I wouldn't go near this with a 50-foot pole, but for christssake, how the hell do these things get bankrole in the first place? I am absolutely reconsidering the idea of becoming a hermit. If this piece of shit film reflects what our society thinks is good entertainment, then I want out.
Posted by: Amazed at October 9, 2007 12:11 PM
perfect review ....a ten! ... what an awful 2 hours it was. could it signal the end of the ben stiller era? i still can't understand the love affair with apatow but you nailed this one.
Posted by: jake williams at October 9, 2007 7:31 PM
perfect review ....a ten! ... what an awful 2 hours it was. could it signal the end of the ben stiller era? i still can't understand the love affair with apatow but you nailed this one.
Posted by: jake williams at October 9, 2007 7:32 PM
perfect review ....a ten! ... what an awful 2 hours it was. could it signal the end of the ben stiller era? i still can't understand the love affair with apatow but you nailed this one.
Posted by: jake williams at October 9, 2007 7:35 PM
Oh, Ben isn't the problem. The writing is. Be it his or someone else's. He is a one-trick pony, but he can be funny, so give him some credit.
As for the comment on Jerry Stiller not being funny on Seinfeld. Are you kidding? I'll settle with you at Festivus during the airing of greivances.
Posted by: Bruno at October 9, 2007 9:04 PM
Wow. I don't know if I'm the only one but both the preview I saw and other reviews I have read left me with a TOTALLY different idea of what this movie was about. I had no intention of seeing it, I hate Ben Stiller, but it almost looked like some regular "rom-com" that I may have been dragged too ...
Thank God for Pajiba ...
... on a different note, what the hell happened to comedies? Everyone always says high brow comedy is pretentious but I have yet to see a high brow comedy in YEARS ... is Hollywood still even making them? I get that peeing on a guys back is easier than thinking ... but .. come on .. some effort ... pleeeaassse.
Posted by: Maria at October 9, 2007 9:59 PM
Hmmm...I somehow missed ALL promotion for this movie, so I have no preconceived notion of how bad it might be.
And I guess I can understand people hating Ben Stiller (I think he can be funny at times) but someone made a comment about Jerry Stiller not being funny. WTF? Frank Costanza made me laugh EVERY time he appeared in an episode. (although I seriously CANNOT even imagine him talking about "crushing pussy")
Posted by: Ginger at October 11, 2007 12:00 AM
Agreed. this film is thoroughly disappointing! B.Stiller must be desperate for cash. my husband & I sure wish we'd seen this column before dolling out $9.50 each (highway robbery!).
Posted by: Laney at October 11, 2007 1:39 PM