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Hangover Theater

Two Dollars! I Want My Two Dollars!

Better Off Dead / Dustin Rowles

Hangover Theater | March 7, 2008 | Comments (127)

Our newest feature in the stable of Pajiba columns is the “Hangover Theater” series, which you might consider an appropriate companion to the Boozehound’s weekly column. In it, we’ll examine the Saturday/Sunday afternoon and evening cable schedule, and periodically, we’ll offer up the weekend’s best hangover remedy: A cable comfort that you can watch from your couch, arm dangling off, drool leaking onto cushion, and head pounding like a Mickey Rourke fuck against a stone staircase.

I’ve chosen to begin the series with, inarguably, one of the best hangover remedies in cinematic history: Better Off Dead a 1985 classic airing at 1:30 p.m., Sunday on ABC Family, perfect timing for an afternoon lay-about after a hard Saturday night in which: You lost your left contact; your right contact stuck to your eyeball; you puked on your kitchen floor while munching on the only goddamn thing you had left in your pantry, Snackwells; and you fell asleep with your jeans and undies bunched up around your ankles, which you didn’t realize until earlier that morning when you tripped over yourself while you were ambling toward the refrigerator to down some Gatorade and ibuprofen.

Better Off Dead was the superior of writer/director Savage Steve Holland’s duology (the other being One Crazy Summer), both of which featured Curtis “Booger” Armstrong and John Cusack, in two of his first starring roles (BOD was also released the same year as a lesser cable comfort, The Sure Thing). Cusack starred as Lane (Oscar) Mayer (*oink oink*), a high-school senior who had just been dumped by his girlfriend of six months, Beth (Amanda Wyss), with whom Lane’s obsessions ran deep enough to drive him to several suicide attempts (each hilariously foiled). Beth dumped him for Roy Stalin (Aaron Dozier, the poor man’s Ted McGinley), captain of the ski team and Guy Most Likely To Get His Comeuppance. In turn, and on the advice of Armstrong’s Charles De Mar (“I’ve been going to this high school for seven and a half years. I’m no dummy”), his snow-and-nasal spray snorting best friend, Lane decides that the only way to get Beth back is to ski the K-12 because, as De Mar suggests, “You ski the K-12 dude, and girls will go sterile just looking at you!”

Meanwhile, Lane’s neighbors, the dweeblicious obesi-hunk Ricky Smith (Dan Schneider of “Head of the Class”) and his mother bring Monique (the comely Diane Franklin, previously of the 1980s HBO mainstay Private School), a foreign exchange student from France, to live with them for the year. Monique, however, feigns ignorance of the English language to keep Ricky’s “testicles” at bay, but nevertheless falls for Lane after he inadvertently blew up Ricky’s mom. (You read that right.) Lane woos Monique with TV dinners and sultry saxophone, and she repairs his busted Camaro, making it possible for Lane to finally match-up in a street race with two Asian fellas who learned to speak English from Howard Cosell.

It’s that kind of movie: A brilliant high-school set absurdist comedy, a film that eschews punchlines and traditional ’80s cheesy humor in favor of memorable quotes and animatronic hamburgers that rock out to Van Halen’s “Everybody Wants Some.” But, really, what makes Better Off Dead so exceptional are not only the absurdist elements (the overanxious geometry students are classic, as is Ricky’s bizarre face-first prom dance) , but the film’s many running gags — the relentlessly psychotic paperboy (“I want my two dollars!”); the mother who makes meals so awful they literally walk off the plate; the seven-year old brother who can fashion laser guns and rocket ships out of household appliances; the Asian drag racers; and of course, the father (“M*A*S*H*“‘s David Ogden Stiers), who can’t manage to keep the garage door windows intact.

Better Off Dead also makes the perfect hangover film — most of the humor in each scene is self-contained and the overall plotline is simple enough that you can doze off during the movie without losing track, yet the film is still sufficiently captivating to keep you from flipping away during the commercial breaks. The music is gloriously cheesy; the faces are attractive; and the whole film is comfortably predicable. It doesn’t hurt, either, that Better Off Dead is profanity-free, so you don’t have to worry about cable censors bleeping dialogue (or worse, dubbing clean words). It also has an amazingly high rewatchability factor, so if you sufficiently space out the hangover viewings, you’ll never grow tired of it. Plus, it’s infinitely quotable and includes one of my all-time favorites: “Go that way really fast; if something gets in your way … turn!” The perfect advice for almost any of life’s difficult situations.

I guess the only negative about Better Off Dead that I can offer is the pang of sadness in watching John Cusack in one of his best roles knowing the whole time just how much that he, personally hated the film. It’s sometimes difficult to maintain one’s respect for Cusack knowing that he famously walked out of a screening after 20 minutes, told Savage Steve Holland that it was the worst film he’d ever seen, and still refuses to talk about it, only referring to Holland as “the director.” But Cusack’s assholery notwithstanding, Better off Dead is a brilliantly kooky, surrealist comedy perfect for Sunday afternoon veisalgia.

Hangover Rating: 9 out of 10 Hairs of the Dog.

Dustin Rowles is the publisher of Pajiba. He lives with his wife and son in Ithaca, New York. You may email him, or leave a comment below.


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Comments

You'd think he'd mind if I went out with Beth?

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at March 7, 2008 12:04 PM

Oh, and best portrayal of a 60s Camaro apart from Tuff Turf.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at March 7, 2008 12:05 PM

The paperboy is by far the best skier of them all and should have gotten, not only his $2, but Beth as well... sking on a bike...BRILLIANT!!!!

I lost a lot of respect of Mr. Cusack for his feelings on this movie...especially since, not only was this movie great, it was one of HIS better roles...

Posted by: Nico at March 7, 2008 12:08 PM

My wife never saw BOD in the 80s and hated it when I finally got her to watch the whole thing a few years back. I just don't understand how anyone can hate this movie with all of the great lines!

What's a little boy like you doing with big boy smut like this?

It has raisins in it. You like raisins!

It sure is....warm.

Gee, Ricky, I'm real sorry your mom blew up.

Come on, Man, it's Christmas Eve! I could be at home right now drinking this killer egg nog my brother makes with lighter fluid!

Lane Meyer. Is he your main weiner man?

I could go on for hours! GREAT MOVIE!

Posted by: JH at March 7, 2008 12:09 PM

head pounding like a Mickey Rourke fuck against a stone staircase.

Now that's a good hangover...

This is a movie that's infinitely "eh" and yet it burrows into your brain. I love the Howard Cosell Asians, the station wagon nostalgia and yes, the newspaper boy gang.

Posted by: Amanda47 at March 7, 2008 12:12 PM

"This is pure snow! Do you have any idea what the street value of this mountain is?"

Posted by: Julie at March 7, 2008 12:20 PM

JH maybe it's the mood you're in- my hubby had me watch it too and I haaaaaaated it. So maybe now a days, you have to have a raging hangover to enjoy it. Bottoms up! I'll give it another go.

Posted by: lilianna28 at March 7, 2008 12:20 PM

I love this movie. So much. I never knew that Cusack hated it so much. That's sad.

Posted by: Joe at March 7, 2008 12:22 PM

You look like a fine little helper. What's your name?

I didn't know Cusack had such disdain for what I consider one of the greatest comedies ever. Serendipity, America's Sweethearts, Must Love Dogs, et al. are slowly killing the cred he built up in the 80s and up to High Fidelity, I'm beginning to question his sanity anyway.

Posted by: MG at March 7, 2008 12:23 PM

This is the best movie of the 80s in my mind.
"I want my two dollars!"
I have to say that I will sometimes loan my sister 2 dollars just to yell that at her. She doesn't think it's funny, but I do!
There is just so much awesomeness in one flick. I love his best friend...wasn't his nickname Booger? Or was that another Curtis Armstrong Character...they all blend together.

Posted by: lyricalcatt at March 7, 2008 12:24 PM

No, I got Booger was Revenge of the Nerds...nevermind. Still loved him.

Posted by: lyricalcatt at March 7, 2008 12:25 PM

Better Off Dead is a gem, but I'd dispute that The Sure Thing is "lesser." The Sure Thing takes a number of genres that are generally pretty stupid, does them well, and is funny to boot. Plus it's the movie that established John Cusack as irresistible to many in my age bracket. I liked it when I was in its demographic, and I still like it--as opposed to Say Anything, which I appreciate more now than I did when it was released (yet another sign that Cameron Crowe is better at nostalgia than at representing the actual present--which is fine, but not what I generally see him credited for).

However, it is hard to resist Lane's mom's presentation of her "French" dinner in honor of Monique. "And to drink, Peru!"

Posted by: Kate at March 7, 2008 12:25 PM

JH- As I mentioned in the Trois Couleurs comment thread, the "raisins" quote is something I say all the time.

I also like the quote about "throwing away a perfectly good white boy." Just thinking of it, made me giggle.

I do have a confession, however; this is a movie that I often don't enjoy watching as much as I think I will. But I think the idea of approaching it as something you catch snippets of, has merit. It is so fantastically quote-worthy.

Oh, and while I'm making confessions about John Cusack films, I never enjoyed Say Anything as much as I thought I was supposed to.

:ducks:

I do love John Cusack, though--I swear!

Posted by: tamatha at March 7, 2008 12:29 PM

Every time I see BOD or Bill and Ted or Last American Virgin I wonder how Diane Franklin wasn't a bigger star.

Posted by: schadenfreude at March 7, 2008 12:29 PM

See Dustin, I told you he's an asshole.

But I love this movie and Hooray for finally having a reason that ABC Family exists!

Posted by: Jen Vegas at March 7, 2008 12:30 PM

The burgers were stop motion clay Dustin. Stop motion clay. That whole montage. You make me sad in the pants Dustin. Sad in the pants.

Posted by: PissBoy at March 7, 2008 12:31 PM

This was the first flick I ever taped off the TV. I watched it so much my dad thought the VCR was broken the one time I forgot to set the tracking back to normal. To this day, I can't hear "Foxy Lady" without seeing Taylor Negron (as the mail guy) walking toward Lane's house.

Posted by: kushiro at March 7, 2008 12:37 PM

Oh, and while I'm making confessions about John Cusack films, I never enjoyed Say Anything as much as I thought I was supposed to.

Tamatha, I like that movie...but I don't worship it the way some do, despite the fact that I adore old school (and High Fidelity/Grosse Pointe Blank) Cusack and that "In Your Eyes" is my favorite song in the history of ever.

To be honest,I prefer One Crazy Summer. Sigh...I can't help it, I love that movie.

:hands PissBoy's pants some Prozac:

Posted by: Julie at March 7, 2008 12:38 PM

Tamatha, I hear you. I can watch Say Anything now and think, "Oh, there's some nice stuff in this," but it's not one of my favorites. Still, that's better than my reaction when it first came out: "Wow, this is a rare attempt to treat teens seriously, and it's really boring."

Posted by: Kate at March 7, 2008 12:39 PM

Good gods, I love this movie. Every scene, and I'm pissed that I was buying vitamins online while everyone else was stealing the good quotes.

Posted by: Kolby at March 7, 2008 12:42 PM

"Now that's a shame when folks be throwin' away a perfectly good white boy like that."

Sorry, you can't mention BOD without me quoting something from it.

I'm sad Cusack didn't appreciate the flick, though.

Posted by: Lainie at March 7, 2008 12:42 PM

Julie and Kate,
I was in high school when SA came out, and I remember being so very excited for it. And then I saw it (in the theatre, of course), and well, my reaction was, "Meh."

Julie I agree that "In Your Eyes" is a really awesome song. And I fondly remember One Crazy Summer, though I haven't seen it in forever.

Posted by: tamatha at March 7, 2008 12:45 PM

Is there anyone who careens wildly between apparent assholishness and genuine nice-guy likeability as much as John Cusack? I will never understand this guy. Fantastic film, I still annoy Mrs. socalled with quotes to this day, and she refuses to watch it on principle.

"Gee, sorry your mom blew up, Ricky."

"Love! The international language of LOVE!"

Every time I see BOD or Bill and Ted or Last American Virgin I wonder how Diane Franklin wasn't a bigger star.

Guh, I had a thing for her too. Non-traditionally gorgeous in an era of absolute bimbo-teen-movie girls. Her final scene in Last American Virgin still feels like a knife in my gut.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at March 7, 2008 12:48 PM

Okay, so we have a hangover helper for the weekend. But since most Pajiban heavy drinking takes place mid-week when the trade round ups usually prompt a frenzy of Comments that require thge use of ATO's drinking rules, what are we supposed to do for the Wednesday/Thursday morning hangover?

Posted by: PaddyDog at March 7, 2008 12:48 PM

"what? you mean him?
Ricky's mom affirms
"and her?..."
Ricky's mom affirms
"That makes sense."

Posted by: PissBoy at March 7, 2008 12:50 PM

I LOVE Better Off Dead! But I think it is one of those movies that you had to have seen as a teenager to appreciate. If I had never seen it and watched it now for the first time I must admit I may not appreciate it's brilliance. That being said, every time I bust out an "I want my $2" someone will get it. This movie molded a generation of movie geeks.
Along with, "How about a greasy pork sandwich served in a dirty ashtray?" and "That you? I thought you my new American Style girlfriend."

Posted by: Popsi_zen at March 7, 2008 12:51 PM

Oh shit! I forgot about Taylor Negron's walkman. Beautiful.

I do have to curb my instinct to shout "BOSCO!" whenever I see a dog wearing a neck cone.

Posted by: Jay at March 7, 2008 12:52 PM

You know what John Cusack movie I liked that was not well received by others? America's Sweethearts. I'll watch it pretty much whenever it's on the telly.

I'm not even bothering to duck. I liked it. You heard me.

Posted by: tamatha at March 7, 2008 12:54 PM

Popsi_zen- I think you hit the nail on the head.

Posted by: tamatha at March 7, 2008 12:56 PM

Dammit, posting too fast:

And Porky's in it!!

Popsi, I often put out new proclamations of "New style ______ girlfriend"s, though they tend to be various UK locations instead, ie. Julie Gardner and Kate Magowan, but it warms my heart that I know someone *will* get it.

Posted by: Jay at March 7, 2008 12:57 PM

Tamatha...hee hee, this is totally off topic, but you addressing us as "Julie and Kate" made me laugh. My sister's name is Kate, and I suddenly had a flashback to my mom screaming "JULIE AND KATE!!!" to us as we attempted to scale the huge pine tree in our backyard so we could throw our Rainbow Brite dolls from a greeaaat height. Good times.

Is there anyone who careens wildly between apparent assholishness and genuine nice-guy likeability as much as John Cusack?

So true Socalled, he seems so charismatic and sweet, and then I hear horrible things about what him and my crush descends from "But you played Rob Gordon, marry me!" to "You're a dick, but I'd still be down for a hate fuck."

Posted by: Julie at March 7, 2008 1:00 PM

And Kate, I would also point out (though I love BOD) that the funniest moment in The Sure Thing -- due entirely to Cusack's unparalleled deadpan delivery -- trumps anything that BOD has to offer: Stranded on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere in the pouring rain, with no money and no way of finding a place to stay.
Daphne Zuniga, looking through her purse: "Oh, I have a credit card!"
Cusack:"You have a credit card?"
Zuniga: "Yes. But my father told me only to use it in case of an emergency."
Cusack, sitting down heavily on the ground on the side of the highway in the middle of nowhere in the rain: "Well, maybe one will come up, then."

Posted by: BabyTyrone at March 7, 2008 1:00 PM

Julie, that is my favorite song ever as well!

i love this movie, but i always fast forward through the cheeseburger scene.

Posted by: kelley at March 7, 2008 1:02 PM

Hee-Kelley, I even have two versions on my iPod...lately I can't stop listening to the Jeffrey Gaines version on repeat, it's so pretty I was ready to make out with my dog*.

He's really cute though.

Posted by: Julie at March 7, 2008 1:05 PM

That's good, BabyTyrone, but I've always been partial to the delivery in his poolside attempt to get Daphne Zuniga to tutor him.

"I flunk English, I'm outta here. I gotta get a job, and you know what that means. That's right, they start me at the drive-up window and I gradually work my way up from shakes to burgers, and then one day my lucky break comes: the french fry guy dies and they offer me the job. But the day I'm supposed to start some men come by in a black Lincoln Continental and tell me I can make a quick 300 just for driving a van back from Mexico. When I get out of jail I'm 36 years old. Living in a flop house. No job. No home. No upward mobility. Very few teeth. And then one day they find me, face down in the gutter, clutching a bottle of paint thinner and why? Because you wouldn't help me in English."

Once a co-worker announced that she was thinking about naming her baby Eliot, and it was all I could do not to burst out with the anti-Eliot rant.

Plus his rescue of Daphne from the truck is just awesome. That scene gets more disturbing every time I see it, but Cusack's performance is spot-on in being scary, funny, and a relief.

Posted by: Kate at March 7, 2008 1:09 PM

I can walk into any room and say, "I want my two dollas!" and somebody will know exactly what I'm talking about. And God forbid if you owe someone in my office two dollars. You will never hear the end of it.

Posted by: greer at March 7, 2008 1:11 PM

I still don't know why "Fleming" was changed to "Gordon" (though the adaptation on the whole was a damn skillful one, I thought).

I often appear to be the only person who even cares about this difference.

But then, I often appear to be the only person indifferent to "Grosse Pointe Blank".

Buuut, maybe that's okay, I can keep my Robs separate. I pictured Rob Fleming as Rob Dickinson from Catherine Wheel for years due to the buzzcut on the guy on the cover. Rob Gordon is then John. Guess you can say he's Earth-2 Rob.

But really....I musta missed something on "Grosse Pointe Blank", it was no "One Crazy Summer" in my book. But that's how it goes.

I can't condone actually avoiding "Everybody Wants Some" (I mean.....look at the title!!) but if that's what ya gotta do I can't stand in your way, Kelley.

Posted by: Jay at March 7, 2008 1:13 PM

Please, please, PLEASE review "Drive Me Crazy" for the next hungover movie. That movie is on every weekend, and I can't help but watch it. Its a terrible compulsion, and I'd like to know I'm not the only one who suffers from it.

Posted by: swimgrrl at March 7, 2008 1:13 PM

The Sure Thing is one of my fave movies. Although many of the best lines weren't even JC's.

I'm always calling my friends and saying "Talkin' to ya cordless!" when they answer. I also love the old guy in the bar reminiscing about his trip to Paris with his wife and summing it up as "Boy am I glad she's dead." Classic!

I've only seen BOD once and about the only thing I can remember about it is the chick across the street and the paper boy.

I guess I'll have to revisit tomorrow as we're having mr.wsapnin's birthday party tonite. Hangova fo' sho'.

Posted by: wsapnin at March 7, 2008 1:16 PM

Can I vote against a film being reviewed for Hangover Theater? Because I would be really upset if you felt compelled to review Hope Floats just because it's on every weekend.

Posted by: Kolby at March 7, 2008 1:21 PM

...head pounding like a Mickey Rourke fuck against a stone staircase.

Awesome. You have put into words the reason that I don't drink any more.

Posted by: Jerce at March 7, 2008 1:21 PM

But Kolby, Hope Floats is such a good movie.

Posted by: Julie at March 7, 2008 1:22 PM

Ooh, and if we're voting for future Hangover Theater movies, my ballot is cast for So I Married an Axe Murderer.

"Look at the size of that boy's heed."
"Shh! You're going to give him a complex."
"Well, that's a huge noggin. That's a virtual planetoid. Has its own weather system."
"Shh!"
"I'm not kidding, that boy's head is like Sputnik...spherical but quite pointy at parts! Now that was offsides, wasn't it? He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow."

Posted by: Julie at March 7, 2008 1:29 PM

Julie--I found that bit on YouTube a few weeks ago and played it for my kids. I think they watched it 5 times. The first time I saw it we had to stop the tape because I was 8 months pregnant and laughing so hard my belly hurt. Love it!

Posted by: wsapnin at March 7, 2008 1:33 PM

The French girl across the street... man. Is there HTML coding to suggest drooling at my computer? She was a goddam FOX... This flick, "Time Bandits" and "One Crazy Summer" kept me glued to the television many, many nights growing up. The French chick on the other hand, kept my hand glued to my... MUST... NOT... SPIRAL... INTO... FILTH...

Anyhow, was there a print interview where Cusack discusses his distaste of this film? Why didn't the interviewer reach across and backhand him?

Super quoteable even to the extent that my cousin's 15 year-old son knows the "I want my two dollars" quote, yet has no idea of it's orgins... I will remedy this through "Clockwork Orange" style viewings mixed with brutal blows about the head and neck. You can't quote something that you don't know, fer chrissake... It's like when my sixty-ish accountant made a goof and said "D'oh!". I tried to explain my outburst after he awoke from being beaned in the head with the stapler I chucked at him, but he was too busy calling the police... Pussy.

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at March 7, 2008 1:37 PM

DAMNIT! Damnit damnit damnit damnit...this is what I get for not having been in the loop or the country when I was younger? I want priceless comedic memories of Cusack when he was good. And my netflix queue is full up! Seriously, they told me they can't put anymore in there...I've got most of the store! AAARGH!!! hate you all...

Oh, and wish Mr. wsapnin happy birthday...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 7, 2008 1:44 PM

Julie: I don't know if "So I married an Ax Murderer" would be an appropriate choice. Too much laughing makes for a big headache! I love that movie as well!
"Woman! Woman! WHOA-man!....you stole my heart and my cat!"

Posted by: lyricalcatt at March 7, 2008 1:45 PM

How about a hangover review of Summerschool, with Mark Harmon and that guy Chainsaw, who was one of the Croutons.

Posted by: Bucko at March 7, 2008 1:48 PM

BOD is my Mom's favorite movie of all time. Poor dear had to search high and low for a copy of it on DVD a few years back. We love BOD because it is insanely hilarious, but also because my Dad's name is Ricky Smith. For some reason that fact is like icing on the BOD-cake.
"She only speaks French, Roy. She doesn't speak imbecile."

Posted by: Dangle McGee at March 7, 2008 1:49 PM

Julie- How about this:

JULIE AND KATE YOU GET OUTTA THAT TREE RIGHT THIS MINUTE! DO YOU HEAR ME? YOU'RE GOING TO BREAK YOUR NECKS! And what are you doing with your Rainbow Brite dolls?!? Remember what happened to Strawberry Shortcake and Huckleberry Pie? Now go to your room and think about what you've done.

Posted by: tamatha at March 7, 2008 1:50 PM

Oh, Godtopus, I cannot tell you how much I love this movie. I have gotten my 13 year old son and 16 year old daughter hopelessly addicted to this movie. No one can EVER say anything about 2 dollars around any of us safely.

You know, I was shocked when I read that John Cusack had such feelings about what I feel is really a great throwback slapstick comedy. And, yet, he did "Must Love Dogs" and "Serendipity".....yes, something is very, very amiss in this world.....

"Now that's a real shame when folks be throwin' away a perfectly good white boy like that.

Posted by: dammitjanet at March 7, 2008 1:53 PM

This has benn a very entertaining thread and I'm really pleased to... what?!

SOD... you... you haven't seen this? Oh, I get it, it's an early April Fool's thing... Hahahahaaa... Right? That's what it is, right?

If you haven't seen this... Fuck Netflix, get your ass to a Best Buy, or Blockbuster, or Vid-n-Tan or... I DUNNO, SOMETHING!!

Leave work. Now. Rent, buy or steal this movie. Go to a liquor store. Call others who haven't seen it. Drink. Watch movie. Drink more. Make out with someone you normally wouldn't. Drink more. Half-ass masturbate. Drink a little more. Email me your bank account number. Pass or black out. Wake up. Retch into garbage can. Call neighbor and apologize for taking a shit on their driveway. Order Pizza or Thai food. Rewatch movie. Join the quoting masses...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at March 7, 2008 1:59 PM

Okay, Tamatha, now you're confusing me because I DON'T have a sister named Julie! Also because I was encourage to climb trees and never liked dolls.

I don't have BOD at home, but I do have The Sure Thing, and I'm going to watch it when I get there. Stupid job.

Posted by: Kate at March 7, 2008 2:01 PM

Ha ha ha! Tamatha, you channeled my mother so well that I'm about ready to punish myself.

:sits in time out chair:

Lyricalcatt, too true, the excessive grinning while watching SOMaAM would probably split my wine-soaked head in two.

Posted by: Julie at March 7, 2008 2:04 PM

That should have been SIMaAM. :)

Posted by: Julie at March 7, 2008 2:05 PM

Kate- Hmm, you're going to have to give me a bit more to work with. Do you have a sibling? And that person's name? Or are you an only child? With just that little bit of info, I should be able to come up with a parental admonishment more appropriate for you.

Posted by: tamatha at March 7, 2008 2:07 PM

Julie- I don't have kids of my own (nor do I want them), so I have to find outlets for the random maternal instincts I do have. :)

Oh, and your time out is over.

Posted by: tamatha at March 7, 2008 2:10 PM

Don't rub it in, Skitt...sob...I have been deprived. Even as we speak, I've sent three coworkers away in tears when they found out as well. I...I have become ostracized at work. No one will look me in the eyes...

I will do as you all command. I will go and....wait, wait a minute...wait just a frakken minute....that doesn't sound right....something in there is off...

Oh, that's right...I don't masturbate half-assed. I commit.

Okay, calling my local video stores now...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 7, 2008 2:10 PM

The title of the last thread gave me a yearning for a review of this film, thanks for fulfilling my expectations so expeditously.
Can I second So I Married an Axe Murderer? I couldn't play the last comment diversion, just because that's how few dvd's I own, yet I own a copy of this movie.

"Piper down, we have a piper down"

Posted by: phquaryn at March 7, 2008 2:13 PM

Oh, that's right...I don't masturbate half-assed. I commit.

As well you should. What's the point of RSVPing yes if you don't come?

Posted by: Julie at March 7, 2008 2:13 PM

"Excuse me, but I believe a ordered the LARGE cappucinno?"

Posted by: Miss_E at March 7, 2008 2:17 PM

"Piper down, we have a piper down"

Oh my god phquaryn, how bad is this? At my grandfather's funeral over Christmas they played bagpipes before they did the how many gun salute (he was a cop)...while my siblings and I were standing there listening to the gorgeous, haunting music I leaned over to my brother and whispered "Piper down, we have a piper down." And thus we did pee our pants. :)

Posted by: Julie at March 7, 2008 2:20 PM

You know, when I saw So I Married an Ax Murderer in the theatre, I laughed so hard, it hurt. But when I rented it later, I found it much less funny. I'll have to watch it again and see how it holds up. I would really like it to be as funny as the first time I saw it.

Posted by: tamatha at March 7, 2008 2:21 PM

Younger brother, Tamatha, and I don't know if he wants any part of his name out there! However, we don't make movies together. Or at least we've never tried. So we're obviously no Cusack family.

Oh, hey, according to IMDB, Better Off Dead will be airing Sunday. Maybe I should buy some Q-tips.

Posted by: Kate at March 7, 2008 2:26 PM

tamatha, it was the opposite for me. The first time I watched So I Married an Ax Murderer , I was less than impressed. Every time I've watched it since, however...it has only gotten funnier. It came on the other day while I was doing laundry, and at points I had to stop folding clothes and walk away, clutching my stomach with tears coming down my face.

"...the point of RSVPing yes if you don't come?"

Julie, this made me laugh and laugh...I'm so glad I'm by myself at lunch right now. It made me feel much better...in my happy place...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 7, 2008 2:27 PM

Julie--i never got into the jeffery gaines version. i have a "thing" against covers of cherished songs. sort of why i avoided across the universe after hearing the butchering of let it be. and the atari's version of boys of summer induces vomiting.

Jay--i just re-watched everybody wants some for you. i will continue to fast forward it :)

Posted by: kelley at March 7, 2008 2:31 PM

The first time I watched So I Married an Ax Murderer , I was less than impressed. Every time I've watched it since, however...it has only gotten funnier.

Me too! It wasn't until we began watching it repeatedly in college before I began to adore every facet of this movie.

And hee, I love when people say "happy place." When I was little I called it my "no no" place, which, well...that is very much not the case anymore. Quite the opposite.

Posted by: Julie at March 7, 2008 2:31 PM

Kate- Does this work?

KATE! WHY ARE YOU AND YOUR BROTHER PLAYING INSIDE? IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY! Go outside and climb a tree! Or chase butterflies! Do something--just get out of the house and get some fresh air. And make sure your little brother doesn't get hurt!

Even close?

Posted by: tamatha at March 7, 2008 2:32 PM

tamatha, you've got it!

Posted by: Kate at March 7, 2008 2:34 PM

Kelley, I usually feel the same way, but for some reason I hunger for that song, so any version makes me happy. :) Plus the guitar is so pretty in the Gaines version. But no one tops my Peter Gabriel.

Posted by: Julie at March 7, 2008 2:36 PM

So when is "Betsy's Wedding" getting its underappreciated gem review (backdoor tangent with Anthony LaPaglia movies)?

Both are a deathless private language between my sister and I.

"Fun" fact: When I was ten or so I was staying over at my uncle's house one night. I asked him to rent "Amadeus" as I hadn't gotten to see it yet and it was new on video. He was sure it'd go over my head. Well, fine then, I kept browsing and picked "Better Off Dead" as an alternative which I hadn't seen yet either (my dad did keep us pretty current on early to mid 80s movies in the theater though). So he rents it then goes into this improptu speech about how bad contemporary movies have gotten before he'll press play.

Dude, I asked for the Oscar winner first. But I love them both.

"F. Murray Abraham's going to be on Inside the Actor's Studio................F. MURRAY ABRAHAM!"

Posted by: Jay at March 7, 2008 2:38 PM

Never did like Better Off Dead, I thought One Crazy Summer was vastly more entertaining.
It included "Foamy" the Rabid Killer Dolphin, the world's ugliest dog, a truly bizarre cast (Demi Moore and the Tooz in the same movie), using a stethoscope to hear a lobster scream, and so much more...

Posted by: Adam C at March 7, 2008 2:38 PM

Shadows and Julie- Glad to hear it. I take your experiences of increased hilarity to be a good sign.

Posted by: tamatha at March 7, 2008 2:42 PM

I also respectfully submit a request for Hangover Theater review of Center Stage. It popped up on a whole lot of lists during the other day's comment diversion. I'll watch the hell out of that movie while nursing my purple vitamin water.

Posted by: MG at March 7, 2008 2:43 PM

Jay. amadeus is my favorite movie EVER. i adore everything about it. especially the nipples of venus scene. i have never been able to find those candies. i've found recipes for the ones from chocolat, but never the ones from amadeus. and i love to sing "papageno" when i'm bored.

Posted by: kelley at March 7, 2008 2:48 PM

Oh my god phquaryn, how bad is this?...And thus we did pee our pants. :)

This story is only bad if your late grandfather would have begrudged you a little funny at his funeral.

You knew him and I didn't, but I'm betting that he wouldn't have.

Posted by: Jerce at March 7, 2008 2:56 PM

Hee Jerce, no he wouldn't have, he would have encouraged it. :) This was a man who (along with my grandmother) collected every toy he could find that danced or sang, was completely bald but wore hats with bells or fake ponytails or deer antlers, performed "Goodship Lollipop" at his senior center last year in a dress, and wore sweatshirts and socks with snowmen and Santa and reindeer every day starting in November. He died on Christmas Eve, which was entirely too appropriate. :)

Posted by: Julie at March 7, 2008 3:01 PM

I agree with Jerce, Julie, I'm sure the dearly departed would forgive you, too. Bagpipers are rare and it is rare to get a chance to make that joke. Although it is odd to hear you describe bagpipe music both "gorgeous" and "haunting". I used to play softball on a league with mostly lawyers and some kids tried to snake our field once. One of the lawyers played bagpipes at them to get them to go away.

Posted by: phquaryn at March 7, 2008 3:03 PM

This will get me tarred, feathered, drawn and quartered, but I hate this movie. HATE. If this movie were a person, it would be a battle to the pain, man. I'm not sure why I loathe this movie to quite the level that I do, but it's up there with Ghost, Sliding Doors, and those damn Magic Bullet infomercials.
I do love High Fidelity though. In case that gets me some protection.
You wouldn't hit a girl with glasses, would ya?

Posted by: Captain Steve at March 7, 2008 3:07 PM

Although it is odd to hear you describe bagpipe music both "gorgeous" and "haunting".

What about Scotty's "Amazing Grace" in the torpedo bay???

Posted by: Jay at March 7, 2008 3:09 PM

Bagpipe music can be gorgeous and haunting, if done well. I've heard some really, really bad playing...and I've heard some fantastic playing that makes your heart ache and want to take bagpipe lessons right then and there

Captain Steve...it's not the tar and feathers you should worry about...it's the brain-munching...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 7, 2008 3:14 PM

OK...this thread is fun and all...but i need to spread some Matin Lawrence/Donnie Osmond/Raven Simone hate. when is that shit sandwhich of a movie review gonna be up?!

Posted by: PissBoy at March 7, 2008 3:16 PM

I had just put BOD on my Neflix (AND bumped it) based solely on the quote on the earlier post. Now I have to go add So I Married An Ax Murderer because some asshole borrowed it and never returned it. Let him eat haggis.

Posted by: Megan at March 7, 2008 3:18 PM

I am so looking forward to some Martin Lawrence hate...that shit of a movie has been played up around here so much you'd think it was the second coming.

But lay off Raven...

shitty series + shitty movies

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 7, 2008 3:19 PM

PissBoy, because of your last contemptuous rant against a Martin Lawrence movie I find myself looking forward to him having a fruitful film career for yeeeeears to come :p

Posted by: Julie at March 7, 2008 3:22 PM

Ooops, cut me off...forgot about html tags...

shitty series + shitty movies is still less than hawt

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 7, 2008 3:22 PM

Anytime anyone mentions Better Off Dead, that awesomely bad New Year's Eve dance song gets stuck in my head. Man, that lady's skirt is short.

I'm sad to learn Cusack didn't like the movie. This is my favorite of his.

Posted by: kelsy at March 7, 2008 3:23 PM

That would be E.G. Daily, aka Dottie!

No it's not a very good song, is it? But no one can hoarse it up like her.

(speaking of, yes I'm still sick and coughing up several lungs [it's the new phase after last night's lack of breathing ability] and I'm off today anyway, but I think I'm going to pass out soon which'll slow down my typing)

I saw Raven at the kids stage at the first year (94) of the now defunct Music Midtown festival. Hey, it was early and there was a long, long day ahead of us. I'd never seen latter day Cosby, so I was pretty clueless. But there she was, MCing with some backup. "Raven is the Raven is the Raven is the Flavor!" "Funky little lady with the flavor that you savor!"

It will never leave my mind.

Posted by: Jay at March 7, 2008 3:32 PM

The clay-mation hamburger's face looks exactly like Seattle Seahawks running back Shaun Alexander.

Posted by: Jez at March 7, 2008 3:33 PM

A slightly riskier corollary to the "I want my two dollars" test: during a conversation about Christmas, reach over and squeeze the other person's cheeks together and see what happens.

"Chreeeessss-massssssss"

Posted by: sansho1 at March 7, 2008 3:39 PM

I practice the Scottish Martial Art of Fuhk Yu! It's a lot of headbutting and kicking people when they are on the ground.

I still want to murder up some motherfucking cute and fuzzy bunnies. Who doesn't want to be a rhino with a machine gun?

Posted by: insertclevernamehere at March 7, 2008 3:54 PM

Oh I hated the Colonel, with his wee BEADY eye, and that smug look on his face! Oh, you're gonna buy my chicken, ohhhhhh!

Posted by: Julie at March 7, 2008 4:12 PM

My job is being really unaccommodating lately to my internet surfing. I'm always coming in at the middle or tail end of the threads and pretty much everything that I would want to add has already been said.

HOWEVER, I will say that I paid around $100 for this movie on VHS when it was out of print and before DVD was around. And it was worth it.

Posted by: Rob at March 7, 2008 4:15 PM

Oh I hated the Colonel, with his wee BEADY eye, and that smug look on his face! Oh, you're gonna buy my chicken, ohhhhhh!

That's why I buy nothing from Steve Jobs.

But the addiction to golden brown things? I may regret it sometimes, but I don't quit it.

When I was first talking to my best friend I mentioned my dad had been a grocery store meatcutter. She said "did he link his own sausage?" I knew we were bonded for life.

Right, I'm gonna put on "Dangerous Days" again and zonk.

Twooo dollarrrrs........ungh

Posted by: Jay at March 7, 2008 4:25 PM

i just went snow skiing for the first time (from the gulf coast) and spent the entire time talking about when we were going to ski the k12 and asking people if they'd seen lane mayer. i also asked if people knew the street value of this mountain. it was truly obnoxious and i apologize to the people i was with.

Posted by: kb at March 7, 2008 4:29 PM

Because I have run out of work before I have run out of Friday afternoon, I propose that we nominate other movies for Hangover Theater.

Let's see...I nominate Starship Troopers--NOW BEAR WITH ME!--

1) (and most important) Rich lush cheesy goodness.
2) Will be at least passingly familiar to most viewers; can tune out/pass out and tune back in with little or no harm to overall enjoyment.
3) If you're fortunate enough to own the DVD, there's the pretty-people-naked shower scene. Even if you're just watching it on TNT, still pretty people.
4) Nobody can do seemingly-inadvertent-but-actually-intentional hilarious irony like Verhoeven. There are too many examples in this movie to list. Now that I think about it, it's pretty much every scene.
5) Holy shit! DOOGIE!

Posted by: Jerce at March 7, 2008 4:31 PM

Jerce! Starship Troopers is AWESOME. No hangover pain could match that of having your brains sucked out by an enormous slug monster.

Posted by: Julie at March 7, 2008 4:33 PM

"he puts a secret ingredient in his chicken that makes you crave it forghtnightly, SMARTASS"

Posted by: phquaryn at March 7, 2008 4:36 PM

One of my favorite movies EVER. It really says something about John Cusack when Better off Dead has been the only movie to have ever been stolen out of my collection of over 500 dvds...twice. I can almost forgive whoever did it, just because of their good taste. *goes off to boil some bacon*

Posted by: Aratweth at March 7, 2008 4:42 PM

No hangover pain could match that of having your brains sucked out by an enormous slug monster.

An enormous slug monster...with a built-in bendy straw!!.

Posted by: Jerce at March 7, 2008 4:44 PM

Oh, and on a random note, I nominate Kingpin for the next Pajiba hangover. Not hysterically funny enough to kick up your headache again, but easy to follow, good soundtrack, and Randy Quaid sporting an Anton Chigur bowl cut.

Posted by: Aratweth at March 7, 2008 4:46 PM

Really? Over 100 comments discussing John Cusack films, and not one mention of Grifters? GRIFTERS! It's his best film by about 5,000 miles. Who are you all and what have you done with my beloved Pajibans?

Posted by: PaddyDog at March 7, 2008 4:55 PM

...with a built-in bendy straw!!

HA HA! How could I forget the best part?!

Paddy...I only saw it once, but I did love me some Grifters.

Posted by: Julie at March 7, 2008 4:58 PM

Open tags, whee!

Posted by: Julie at March 7, 2008 5:00 PM

PaddyDog: Grifters is a great flick. Demented but fun. After that movie my friend and I tried the "switch the money" trick that Cusack gets a beat down for pulling. I'm betting just about every high school student that saw the movie tried that trick at least once. It worked but didn't become a habit so don't go judgin'.

I actually dig the hell out of True Colors with Cusack and James Spader. I don't think anyone has mentioned that one. Came around when Grifters did. I haven't seen it for years though so I can't vouch for its' current awesomeness.

Posted by: Rob at March 7, 2008 5:26 PM

I had forgotten about True Colors. I remember liking it--not great, but good.

It was certainly interesting at the time, because Spader, who had always played asshole-guy, was the innocent hero lured into dire straits by villain Cusack, who had always played sweet-guy.

Posted by: Jerce at March 7, 2008 5:33 PM

P.S. If I had a time machine the first thing I would do would be go back roughly 25 years, find James Spader and...well, I'd finish by taking bites out of him. Rawr.

Posted by: Jerce at March 7, 2008 5:35 PM

I don't know if anyone's mentioned it but, a real scene stealing performance was put on by Taylor Negron as the sleazy mailman, that, shit, WAS. GOLD. dropping letters on the street, reading mail HA! mofo hasn't gotten the break he's deserved for YEARS! He was also awesome in "Young Doctors in Love" as a drug dealing med student.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at March 7, 2008 7:01 PM

BSlim, that motherfucker was (in at least my humble opinion) one of the funniest parts of the friggin' movie... He plays a sleaze to a goddam T. Vastly underused in roles such as this...

What the hell's YDIL? I'm drawing a complete blank and I'm too lazy to get on the computer and... goddamit, I can't lie for shit...

Anyways - yeah I'm lazy. What the hell is it? Is it porn? It's porn, right? Tell me it's porn...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at March 7, 2008 8:01 PM

Skit: YDIL was on of those early eighties adult movie comedies that have become forgotten. There was YDIL, "Jekyll and Hyde Together Again," "Up the Creek" and 5 or 6 others. They were R-rated and had lots of tits, they're ten times funnier than any of the PG-13 "Whatever"----Movie being shat out nowadays.

CHECK. THEM. OUT.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at March 7, 2008 8:11 PM

Back in the late 80's I attended a big party thrown by Cusack in a derelict house he bought on a desolate block of Uptown in Chicago. The place was crawling with babes and dweebs, and John was at the height of his stardom, deigning to do a few plays between movies. Only saw him a few times, as he came out of his bedroom, peered over the bannister and pointed to the next two "lucky ladies" to spend some quality time. Drove me and my acting buddy (who was in a play with Cusack at the time) absolutely nuts. We viciously drank as much of his liquor as possible.

He was a bit of a dick but you had to respect the guy, in that he was living the John Hughes film lifestyle we all so jealously wanted!

That said, I think BOD works if you caught it at the right time in your life. I recall seeing the film and not thinking much of it when it came out, but the many quotes in the comments produced more than a few chuckles and a vague desire to pop this on Netflix and bump to the top, the wife's Jane Austin fixation be damned.

Although it probably isn't played much on weekend cable, "Captain Ron" makes for excellent hangover viewing. Be sure to keep cans of oil and tots of rum on hand. And why has no one mentioned the crazed John Cusack in "Being John Malkovich"?

Posted by: Capn Gravy at March 7, 2008 8:13 PM

In Zoology one year our teacher, not much older than us, was describing an incident that reminded him of Better Off Dead. I believe it had to do with a certain item usually used to clean ears, although no where on the packaging does it say that it is approved for that purpose. You got it, Q-Tips. Anyway, he had started telling a story about how his sister had Q-Tips in her ear one day and his older brother thought it would be hilarious to walk by and you know, shove them further into her ear, causing I'm sure some type of injury. All that aside, a student then raised his hand and commented with, "Hey something like that happened to me once. I got bit by a dog."

Teach preceded to call him an asshole. And it was a good day.

Posted by: Kash at March 7, 2008 8:25 PM

Also,

Ohhhh. Tentacles. N-T. Big Difference.

Posted by: Kash at March 7, 2008 8:43 PM

Wow, I saw "Young Doctors In Love" in the theater.

Gee, has "Moving Violations" been forgotten by now too?

And yes, I again applaud Mr. Negron.

Posted by: Jay at March 7, 2008 9:13 PM

Thank God for this review. I don't feel so lonely now for loving this flick.

Or for growing to hate Cusack. Back then, I wanted to be his best bud. Now I want to hit him with my car.

Posted by: Bob at March 7, 2008 10:50 PM

LOVE Better Off Dead. I've shown it to my 13 year old daughter and she loved it too, though she was genuinely puzzled by the Asian guys in the car--she had no idea who Howard Cosell even WAS.

And who was quoting Weird Science a bit upthread? I love "You're STEWED, BUTTWAD."

Please please please make Night of the Comet your next Hangover Theater review, though every channel is too lame to show it nowdays. Augh. It's campy glory.

Posted by: Anastasia Beaverhausen at March 8, 2008 12:21 AM

Capn Gravy, I just bought the DVD of Being John Malkovich. It's just so freaky and over the top. I love it.

Posted by: Anastasia Beaverhausen at March 8, 2008 12:23 AM

So I did go home and watch The Sure Thing, and I love that movie all over again. But, see, it's why I'm glad that John Cusack generally keeps his private life private. I don't actually want to know if he's a jerk.

However, I do wish he'd go back to making interesting movies, instead of being Nicolas Cage with more romantic comedies.

Posted by: Kate at March 8, 2008 12:57 PM

I adore this movie. In fact I've shown it to many a friend and cracked up, but they barely bat an eye. Needless to say, I have never spoken to them again.

You'd be surprised how saddening it is when I tell a peer "I want my two dollars" and feign absolute seriousness and they freak out at me for being cheap. My generation sucks.

Posted by: Kayanne at March 8, 2008 4:10 PM

"I Want My Two Dollars"

Truly a classic film and this sounds like a great new feature. Plus, this will be the first time I watch ABC Family for more than the 5 seconds as I fly by to the next station

Posted by: Brian at March 9, 2008 12:07 AM

I never knew about Cusack walking out & being a general dick... Fortunately, it doesn't ruin it for me, but what kind of pompous high-art did he think he was making?

I also love this movie because it can easily cross cultural/linguistic differences. I watched this with my uncle (who doesn't speak much English) and we had an awesome time - we still fast-forwarded the dancing burgers, though.

Posted by: mfg at March 9, 2008 2:35 PM

Yup, Saturday night, post-blizzard, not a damn thing on TV.....that's right, we pulled out the old VHS copy of BOD after reading this and watched it with the old kid-eroos. This, of course, after watching Beetlejuice for like the 900th time. But, still, good times.....still love the slime with raisins that just crawls/slides off Lane's plate, along with the wonderful aardvark coat and Lane's TV dinner Christmas gifts. An evening well spent

Posted by: dammitjanet at March 10, 2008 11:24 AM

I have seen this movie no fewer than 150 times. I laugh hysterically every time I see it. If it's on HBO, I will stop and watch it. I love the way that it never takes itself seriously, at all. From the cartoons, to the singing hamburger to the great lines, it is excellent.
"I'm gonna activate your dental plan!"
"I skate, you skate, we skate..."
"A giant teddy bear bigger than you. Sounds great"
"That thing you put on me? It broke. I'm sorry. I'll buy you a new one."
"A new one? I don't want a new one!!"

Posted by: Forrest at March 10, 2008 11:31 AM

Whenever anyone in my life upsets me or makes me angry, I picture Charles De Mar standing next to them, laughing uncontrollably, while making a shaving gesture. It works every time.

This movie is amazing, and Howard Jones' "Like to get to know you well" is the best montage song since Team America.

Posted by: lawnjart at March 10, 2008 4:49 PM

Watching BOD makes me really sad that Taylor Negron isn't a mega star. He's brilliant.

Posted by: monkeyhateclean at March 11, 2008 7:08 PM

God, yes. The TV dinners as Xmas gifts. And let's not forget his savvy younger brother, Badger, who was always sending away for things with cereal boxtops. How To Pick Up Loose Women. And the smoking jacket - perfect.

My British husband doesn't appreciate this gem of a film; I made him watch it last year. Next up is One Crazy Summer. I forced him to watch Pretty In Pink on Valentine's day. He didn't love it as much as he should have yet for some reason owns Van Wilder.

Posted by: amanda at March 13, 2008 11:49 AM

Best. 80's. Movie. Ever.

"KKKKEEEYYSSSSSS!!!!"

"This is faaaabulous liquour. Tastes like the moonshine Ricky's dead pappy used to make. God bless 'im!" LIGHTER FLICK. BOOM!

"You are really bringing me over, man..."

"Right off! On Dad, on."

"Oh God. Please! Don't let it be...oh god don't let it be a bugger!"

Posted by: aimee at March 13, 2008 5:56 PM





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