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Your Completely Unhelpful Guide to World Cup Viewing Options

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Guides | June 12, 2014 |


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The World Cup is beginning soon. This not news. Either your response was “no shit, you stunningly attractive Internet writer” while cataloguing your collection of face paints in your nation’s colors, or it was “is that the soccer one or the yacht one? Because either way I don’t care” while firmly believing that America’s weird subset of sports no one else plays are the best even if you can’t name a player in more than one of them.

I watched a World Cup game once in a bar with people who deeply cared about the outcome of the game. It was an enriching cultural experience, if only because it was the first time I’d had brats, and that’s not something you forget. It was also exciting because it was an excuse to drink a lot of beer before ten am because of the timezone thing. Yeah, I don’t remember anything about the game other than the fact that Spain was one of the teams, and I’m negotiable on whether that memory is true.

Also, apropos of nothing, am I the only one who has always felt that the World Cup trophy looks exactly like an enormous Cthulu hand seizing the Earth? Dark themes in these games, my friends.

But if you’re having trouble figuring out when and where to watch the World Cup, I’ve got some helpful news for you, with two options.

First, you can make your way to Milwaukee, which shouldn’t be too challenging, because even Southwest flies there at this point. A bar has built a replica of a Brazilian favela so that you can watch the World Cup in the most obnoxiously oblivious American way possible short of actually flying to Brazil, wearing a cowboy hat, and demanding to know where the nearest McDonalds is.

Details are here.

Second, you can fly to Thailand. This is slightly harder, because unless you’ve already gone to Thailand for deeply illegal activities, you’ll probably need to fill out a bunch of paperwork and get a lot of shots. On the other hand, once you get there, the newly installed military regime has mandated that every World Cup game will be broadcast for free to the entire population. So that’ll make it easy for you to find the games to watch.

In addition, be sure to enjoy the bread and circuses, I’m sure they’re lovely this time of year in Southeast Asia.



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