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Guides | November 12, 2009 | Comments (69)

If it weren’t for the ridiculously awful projects that Hollywood greenlights, sites likes ours would be extinct. Sure, we hate the sequels, remakes, and television adaptations as much as you, but we feed on your bile. Hate is so very nutritious. And filling! And while it does seem like we’re reporting a damn-near criminally putrid project in development at least once a day, these stories — like Paul Blart’s flatulence — dissipate in the winds of our mind. We repress them; block them; or flee in terror. At least until the trailer appears.

But what if I were to list the ten worst projects currently in development — many of which we’ve already reported on — in one single unavoidable post. What if, with one scan of your eyes, ten of the most lame-brained, frogballs retarded movie projects could be seared into your brain flaps, short-circuiting your nervous system and shutting down your ability to think.

I like to call this the Internet Lobotomy Project.

Honorable Mentions: Stretch Armstrong, American Gladiators, Monopoly,, the Drop Dead Fred remake, and a Viewmaster movie.

10. Barbie the Movie
Studio: Universal Pictures in conjunction with Mattell
Logline: Sometimes she’s a teen; sometimes she’s a pilot, a military officer, a teacher, or an astronaut. She drives an assortment of cars, dates a man named Ken, and has friends straight out of a United Colors of Benetton ad.

9. Clue
Studio: Hasbro
Logline: Big-budget murder-mystery thriller that has fuckall to do with Tim Curry’s cult classic. This Clue, while still based on the board game, leaves the parlor and becomes a world-wide mystery.

8. National Lampoon’s Family Vacation
Studio: New Line Cinema
Logline: A reboot of National Lampoon’s Vacation movie, focusing on a younger generation of Griswalds.

7. Little Big War
Studio: Fox
Logline: About a two friends who discover a 3D photocopier that allows anything they put into it come to life. So, they bring models to life, a la Weird Science. Directed by Walt Becker (Wild Hogs, Old Dogs).

6. Dear Dracula
Studio: Kickstart Productions
Logline: A boy decides not to write Santa a letter at Christmas, but instead sends a letter to Dracula, asking if he can be a vampire for Halloween. The boy is in for quite a surprise when Dracula shows up to deliver.

5. Bazooka Joe
Studio: Michael Eisner’s Tornante Company
Logline: Based on the comic strip that comes with Bazooka Joe bubblegum, about an adventurous kid with an inexplicable eye patch who goes on misadventures with Jane, Pesty, Mort, Hungry, Toughie, and his dog, Walkie Talkie.

4. Dancing with Myself
Studio: Warner Brothers
Logline: A corporate workaholic who seeks hypnosis to help him quit smoking subsequently finds himself compelled to dance every time he hears music.

3. Madden Curse
Studio: Electronic Arts
Logline: About a former Madden videogame champion who is forced to come out of retirement to defend his title against a younger player. The catch: His face appears on the corner of the new Madden video game, subjecting him to the Madden curse.

2. Baywatch
Studio: Paramount Pictures
Logline: Two unlikely prospective lifeguards vie for jobs alongside the buff bodies who patrol a beach in California. Directed by Jeremy Garelick (The Break-Up).

1. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Studio: Vertigo Entertainment
Logline: Bypasses the television show universe, and is based on the original movie, only with a new generation of vampire slayers. Joss Whedon has no connection to the reboot.



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Comments

yuck

Posted by: duckiebear at November 12, 2009 3:15 PM

My... My head.. B... b... Buf... *Sobs in corner* GO AWAY!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I WON'T SEE IT, I WONT!!!

Posted by: Simon at November 12, 2009 3:15 PM

....I think Dear Dracula needs to be higher. Good Lord I haven't heard of a plot that bad in a looong time.

Posted by: Shaun at November 12, 2009 3:17 PM

Baywatch movie sounds awesome! Some people stand in the darkness AFRAID to step into the light....

Posted by: Colostomy Baggins at November 12, 2009 3:19 PM

Dear Dracula sounds like fun.
Now if only we can find a young Fred Savage.
And an atom bomb,

Posted by: Odnon at November 12, 2009 3:21 PM

That is entirely too much goatcrap to swallow in one sitting. Clue, especially, makes me sad. I think I've been joking about terrible remakes of 80s classics and movies based on board games by citing the awesomeness of Clue and how Hollywood should keep their hands off it.

It's like saying, "Ow, that punch to the face hurt, but at least you didn't kick me in the dick mitten."

And then they kick you in the dick mitten.

Posted by: Cat at November 12, 2009 3:23 PM

Cowboy Bebop with Keanu Fucking Reeves

Posted by: twig at November 12, 2009 3:26 PM

Wait a minute!!! Where's "Battleship"? Not far enough into development? Because battling aliens from warships that move about 40 mph and take a mile to do a 180 is society-alteringly stupid. The U.S. will cease to be a world superpower if it gets made. I for one will welcome our Chinese overlords with a "Ni Hao!"

Posted by: Kballs at November 12, 2009 3:26 PM

Sure, all of these sound terrible, but can't we find just a glimmer of promise in Dear Dracula? Like the diamond ring your dog ate and you end up having to dig out of its shit?

The kid gets his wish, and then is killed by November 1st's sunrise. And then his little sister gets all his candy. Because--and I'm speaking hypothetically here--the bastard had stolen the Snickers from her stash for the past 5 years.

Come on, people! Halloween retribution!

Posted by: avocadolime at November 12, 2009 3:27 PM

Nothing...nothing will ever come close to being as awesome as Tim Curry's Clue was.

Nothing.

(sob)

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at November 12, 2009 3:28 PM

KEANU FUCKING REEVES

Posted by: twig at November 12, 2009 3:30 PM

Cowboy Bebop with Keanu Fucking Reeves

Please tell me you're joking.

My head just exploded.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at November 12, 2009 3:30 PM

Why would anyone need to remake Vacation? A younger version of the Griswalds? When will someone in Hollywood have an original idea? This is just sad!

Posted by: SZ at November 12, 2009 3:31 PM

Dick Mitten?

Ha!

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 12, 2009 3:33 PM

Actually the Walt Becker film sounds likes it's a step in the right direction. I was expecting another film about a couple of middle aged men (John Cusack, Eddie Murphy, John Travolta) who have a midlife crises when they realize they must travel to Disney Land to find the love of their lives at Magic Kingdom.

From the director of 'Wild Hogs' and 'Old Dogs' comes a story of three men who take a 'leap' at love before they 'croak'. "Grumpy Frogs" Coming to a theater near you, in hell. Summer 2012.

Posted by: J Stride at November 12, 2009 3:33 PM

REEEEEEEEEVES

(No, SoD, you see he has to. Because he loves the franchise so much. Which essentially makes him Lennie from Of Mice and Men.)

Posted by: twig at November 12, 2009 3:33 PM

I'd watch Little Big War. What happens when you copy Matt Roloff?

Posted by: logar at November 12, 2009 3:36 PM

I can almost guarantee that Jim Carrey will star in Dancing with Myself.

Posted by: Cindy at November 12, 2009 3:39 PM

Isn't the Madden Curse being stuck in that bus with John and a pot of chili?

Posted by: mrcreosote at November 12, 2009 3:39 PM

Didn't they already do a version of Bazooka Joe? But they called it Little Rascals?

twig...is that cuz he's a complete idiot?

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at November 12, 2009 3:40 PM

Wait a minute...there's no fucking way, the Madden Curse one can be real...like no fucking way. Do they really think they're going to get a bunch of Madden fans to get off their (our) asses and stop playing the game to go watch a stupid ass fucking movie about people playing the game? Jesus fucking christ Hollywood, go sit in a corner with your Dunce cap on while I grab a stick to beat the stupid out of you.

Posted by: Joe at November 12, 2009 3:41 PM

Sick bastard that I am, I see a couple of ideas there that could be good movies. Probably won't be, but could be.

Dear Dracula could be at least as good as Monster House, which was not great but tolerable. The guy shows up and takes the kid around on Halloween showing him stuff, sure, perhaps a little like The Halloween Tree. I don't, however, buy the idea of Dracula being the Halloween equivalent of Santa. Rather than try to invent some sort of Jack Skellington-esque Halloween mascot, what if a little dyslexic kid misspelled the name and sent his Dear Santa wish list to Satan? Has this been done? I might make it this December as a horrid video short.

How about Barbie? Barbie is about being able to look good and do lots of stuff...and not having genitals. Maybe Barbie is a super-charming android . Maybe it's little girls pretending to be adult girls, with lots of clothes and ponies and stuff. What would a group of 8 year old girls do with access to a beautiful and life-like android that could do anything? 90% chance this would become some dumb Robert Rodriguez joint, but what if they could make this a more robust film, like Bicentennial Man meets Wargames, with (nipple-less) breasts? Their bizarre animus in the robo-babe's body leads to a series of interesting encounters, leading up to the realization that it's who you are on the inside that matters.
And that realdolls should not be ambulatory.

Posted by: laredo at November 12, 2009 3:52 PM

I actually think that Dear Dracula could work, depending on how they play it. Imagine if Dracula is just some old and lonely guy (a Walter Matthau or Jack Lemmon-type) and he just wants a friend.

If they go with Dracula as the Leslie Nielson-type my support for the film is ruled null and void.

Posted by: JakesAlterEgo at November 12, 2009 3:54 PM

Well, if the movie stays true to Bazooka Joe's nature, it'll have amazing promise for about a minute and then about three minutes in it'll taste like vinegar and saliva and be too tough to chew.

That sounds about right for a kid's comedy.

Posted by: Kayanne at November 12, 2009 3:57 PM

I bet Dancing With Myself stars either Adam Sandler or Jim Carrey. Or Jack Black, because everyone knows it's funny to watch fat people dance.

Posted by: figgy at November 12, 2009 3:59 PM

First of all, did we hear about that Buffy thing and I blocked it out altogether? Yeah, re-blocking now.

Also, dick mitten is my new favorite euphemism of all time. OF ALL TIME.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverpuppet at November 12, 2009 4:00 PM

You forgot the "Battlestar Galactica" movie that ignores the recent series and tries to remake the 70's version. Further stabbing our heart by being directed by Bryan Singer.

Posted by: TylerDFC at November 12, 2009 4:04 PM

What Buffy thing?

looks over the list again

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at November 12, 2009 4:09 PM

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. I thought this was a joke list D:

Posted by: chenry at November 12, 2009 4:32 PM

Wow, the Risk board game adaptation didn't even rate....

Posted by: sansho1 at November 12, 2009 4:36 PM

Dear Dracula sounds adorable.

Wait, live action or animated?

That will make a big difference. Live action: creepy in the bad way. Much, much older man showing up to a little boy's doorstep on Halloween to play with him. Animated: adorable.

Posted by: Robert at November 12, 2009 4:41 PM

So....I'm almost 100% sure that dear dracula is based on a Richard Matheson short story. And Richard Matheson short stories almost always make great movies. Also, I can't find it anywhere, but somebody wrote a song based on the letter the little boy writes in that story and it is pure awesome. All I really remember is that it features the kid repeatedly saying "I want to be a vampire!" and "I want to drink blood! I want to drink girl's blood!"

Posted by: s. pisaster at November 12, 2009 5:05 PM

Is it wrong that I kind of don't mind the buffy abomination being on the list if it results in more vintage SMG pictures?

Posted by: "luker" the barbarian at November 12, 2009 5:20 PM

While reading the list of projects I had a flashback to elementary school book reports where people just made crap up based on the title of the book. Not even a peek at a cliffs note.

Posted by: lizella at November 12, 2009 5:21 PM

Oh yesss!
Maybe I won't immigrate after all. The absolute majority of these projects won't EVER make it into any cinema in Europe. There won't be any press, not even a column in my favorite newspaper - nothing.
Where I'm from, such crap doesn't even exist.
I'm going to just forget all of this - especially but not only the mention of Cowboy Bebop - right now.

Posted by: Padame at November 12, 2009 5:37 PM

Are they serious with #4? Seriously serious?

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at November 12, 2009 5:39 PM

You poor, poor, bastards.

Just learning Keanu Reeves is set to play Spike?

Poor bastards. Welcome to my nightmare...

Posted by: D-Day at November 12, 2009 5:42 PM

I'm warming up the nuke. It's name is Bob.

Posted by: admin at November 12, 2009 5:52 PM

Yes, Dustin, this new feature "10 Lies About Movies Ideas That Are Too Utterly Moronic to Ever Be Considered EVER" was a great idea.

I'm going to go drink some Drano now.

Posted by: branded at November 12, 2009 6:10 PM

The first thing I thought when I saw Dear Dracula was of the children's classic Dear Mr. Henshaw. But instead of maturing through writing his favorite author, this little boy will learn that dreams only become bitter, bitter disappointments when Dracula sucks the blood of his single-parent mother.

Posted by: kelsy at November 12, 2009 6:13 PM

I hope the film takes a dark turn when it's revealed that 'Dracula' is just a sexual predator with a filthy cape.

Posted by: Daniel Hall at November 12, 2009 6:37 PM

Dear Dracula sounds like it could get really creepy really fast.

And not creepy in a good way.

Posted by: Schlegel at November 12, 2009 6:45 PM

No hate for David Finchers alleged Facebook movie project, or was that just a fever dream?

Posted by: Squirrelgripper at November 12, 2009 6:59 PM

that SUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKs!!!!!!!!!!
omg! they need to stop drug!!

Posted by: caro at November 12, 2009 7:01 PM

No Facebook movie hate? Or Jem and the Holograms? Or Reeves Bebop? Or Monopoly or Risk?

I am disappointed by this.

Posted by: Reina at November 12, 2009 7:15 PM

Posted by: s. pisaster at November 12, 2009 8:14 PM

Is it April 1st already? Please say yes.

Posted by: ALR at November 12, 2009 8:18 PM

Clue is my favorite movie of all time and the mere mention of its remake fills me with a bile so poisonous I fear for my health. This is enough to give me an aneurism. I suddenly identify with serial killers. That much rage.

Posted by: welldressed at November 12, 2009 9:06 PM

This HAS to be a joke.

Remaking CLUE?

THE GODS WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS.

Posted by: Gabs at November 12, 2009 9:10 PM

Clue wasn't the most original concept to begin with. It was the same kind of based-on-a-boardgame bullshit as Monopoly and Battleship. The fact that it was done well is great, sure, but doesn't give it some special protected status. It's not the same thing as someone trying to remake something wholly original.

Posted by: Daniel Hall at November 12, 2009 9:19 PM

welldressed - Do you feel flames on the side of your face?

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at November 12, 2009 9:20 PM

What?

"Aliens: The Musical" didn't get a green light?

WTF?

The Alien has two mouths. It can sing a duet with itself!

Posted by: eman at November 12, 2009 9:26 PM

Oh wait, I almost forgot!

After I take my awesome pseudo-costumed photos, and I get everybody to publicly campaign for me to play Bucky Barnes in the Capt. America movie (and I try to get Mal to play Cap!!), I can go to Hollywood and convince Keanu to play Vicious (he's the only reason the Bebop flim is getting done, he'll hafta be in it), and I can use my newfound stardom to take over as Spike! Bang!

p.s. everyone can dream. screw you...

p.p.s. nice to see some Pajibans who enjoy Bebop, which I elevated from "great anime" status into "its just a good damn show". I also made a fake movie flow chart that puts 5-6 critical episodes back to back the plot rather than something free written. NERD ALERT!

Posted by: D-Day at November 12, 2009 9:30 PM

the Drop Dead Fred remake
But....but....my childhood :( The thought of them remaking this just makes me wanna lock my childhood up in a jack-in-the-box so I can protect it...

Posted by: Annie_Reckson at November 12, 2009 9:35 PM

I think Madden Curse has potential..ever see those backwards-hat wearing, milk-moustached dudes talking trash to each other over a game of Madden on ESPN2? Those guys rule and I want to learn from them.

Posted by: stryker1121 at November 12, 2009 9:36 PM

Much, much older man showing up to a little boy's doorstep on Halloween to play with him.

halloween, you say? old men show up at my door to play with me constantly. i want to play the boy! it's a role written for ME!

Posted by: gp at November 12, 2009 10:01 PM

well

Posted by: ada at November 12, 2009 10:13 PM

"7. Little Big War
Studio: Fox
Logline: About a two friends who discover a 3D photocopier that allows anything they put into it come to life. So, they bring models to life, a la Weird Science. Directed by Walt Becker (Wild Hogs, Old Dogs)."

--Who came up with this title? When I first saw it I thought the little green army men were coming to life and fighting their war in some kids backyard. Little Big War? How about Mannequinko's! Lexmark's the Spot! Also I'm banking on the characters being named John Hewlett and Rob Packard.

Posted by: D-Day at November 12, 2009 11:36 PM

------ Cougar matching-----

Posted by: cherry at November 13, 2009 2:11 AM

I'm still waiting for Pajiba to review "Barbie and the Three Musketeers" that I've seen advertised to death the last couple of months. Let's face it, when I hear Musketeers, I think big plastic boobs, right? Oh, wait. I do. Raquel Welch, anyone?

Posted by: BWeaves at November 13, 2009 8:20 AM

Wait...these are real?

I kind of just scanned the opening paragraphs, so I thought this was just another funny posts about "Oh, what if Hollywood lost its fucking mind and..."

What the hell? Has EVERY story already been told?

Posted by: ZombieNurse at November 13, 2009 9:01 AM

Line of the day, "Hate is so very nutritious."
It's Friday and I'm already late for work; I'm sure I'll find a few reasons to use it.

Posted by: portland mermaid at November 13, 2009 11:39 AM

spambot, you forgot the link! How are we supposed to hook up with Cougars if you don't give us the link!?!

Posted by: s. pisaster at November 13, 2009 12:55 PM

Shouldn't Wild Hogs, Old Dogs be a project unto itself, where a Gladiator-style contest pits violent wild boars and aging actors against each other for the starring roles in Bucket List 2? I hope the boars win.

Posted by: Caroline at November 13, 2009 1:23 PM

Is it wrong that I kind of don't mind the buffy abomination being on the list if it results in more vintage SMG pictures?

No, it is not wrong. I would know.

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at November 13, 2009 3:55 PM

I second that motion, BWeaves. The Michael York/Ollie Reed movies were tits.

Posted by: D-Day at November 13, 2009 5:09 PM

Ahhhhhh!

(Picture me running away, through walls, a la Gossamer, the big orange monster from that one Bugs Bunny cartoon).

Posted by: Nadha at November 13, 2009 8:49 PM

aah thank god I'm not the only person who thinks Dear Dracula actually sounds like a decent idea (if not good) ...

Posted by: lelnguye at November 14, 2009 4:13 AM

Really? Bypassing the Buffy television universe? GOOD FOR THEM. The Buffy television series fucking sucked. The only thing worse than that was Charmed.

The new Clue thing sounds horrible.

Posted by: Jack at November 16, 2009 9:52 AM





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