In last year’s inaugural list of the 10 celebrities you’d most like to bang, we attempted — poorly, we might add — to frame the list as something it wasn’t necessarily: A list of intellectually attractive gentlemen and ladyfolk for a smarter, more refined crowd like ourselves. But over the course of the last year, we’ve learned something about our audience, by and large: You may have better tastes in your sexiest list than the average Us Weekly reader, but if the typed erotic scrawlings some of you leave below the comment line are any indication of our audience as a whole, you folks are dirty, sex-crazed lust-filled degenerates with lairs and spreader bars especially built for celebrity rough and tumble. And by rough and tumble, we mean fucking.
So this year, there’s no sense in beating around the bush (unless, of course, you’re into that, you sadistic freak), so we’re going to do away with the artifice. Oh sure, your tastes are a little more subversive, a little more quirky, and a little less mainstream, but you’re also aggressively libidinous — I suspect the things you’d do with your Five Freebies is considerably more, er, adventurous than what your average Us Weekly reader might contemplate, as well.
Before we get on with this year’s list, let me throw some knowledge at you: Among this year’s top ten, we shared only one with the latest edition of People magazine’s ten sexiest, and among the women on our list, only one made Maxim’s Hottest 100, at number 55, which does mean — thank God(topus) — that we do appreciate a different brand of cheese/beefcake. Meanwhile, we had a 70 percent turnover this year (that means 7 new people on the list, for you liberal arts majors), and we have a new number one in 2008, as well (sorry Browncoats, but then again, half of you didn’t appreciate our harmless objectification last year anyway — there’s nothing wrong with sexual fantasy, y’all, as long as it remains a fantasy). Twelve months made a huge difference for some of last year’s crop — Paul Rudd, Simon Pegg, Jon Stewart, John Krasinski, and Salma Hayek — all of whom went from top 10 in 2007 to barely mentioned in 2008. Meanwhile, for the second year in a row, Ryan Reynolds landed at number 11 (fuck you in the ear), while our list of also-rans included Edward Norton, Cate Blanchett, Gerard Butler, David Duchovny, Javier Bardem, last year’s number six Maggie Gyllenhaal, Hugh Jackman, Zooey Deschanel, Jason Dohring, Natalie Portman, Ellen Page, and Katee Sackhoff. Better luck next year worming your ways into the sick and twisted minds of our readership.
And without further ado, here’s your Pajiba Ten:
10. Jason Bateman: Seeing the initial wave promos for “Arrested Development,” I recall my reaction to the idea of Former Child Star Jason Bateman helming a nontraditional sitcom of arguable quality: “Him?” Who’da thunk, a mere five years later, the celebrity whom I would most like to make-out with and perhaps lightly molest (no, check that heavily molest, and definitely) would be the tight-ass son from “The Hogan Family.” “Arrested” was a career-flipper for the brilliantly talented Bateman; and thank goodness it was. I for one cannot even imagine what life would be like without his oh-so dreamy blue eyes and wry sense of humor. Even more crush-worthy? After the premature demise of our beloved “Arrested,” unlike some of his former cast members, (I’m looking at you, Arnett) Jason has gone on to use his craft for good over evil, starring in Juno, (no explanation needed) Hancock, which, had promise despite how horribly off the execution was, and has future projects helmed by Ricky Gervais and Mike Judge, not to mention the strong possibility of an “Arrested” feature length film, all ensuring that we won’t have to stop swooning anytime soon. — Stacey Nosek
9. Kate Winslett: From the hair to the smile to the eyes to the fact that she’s built like an actual woman (and a damn fine one, rather than either a pixie stick with teeth or a mutant blow-up doll), Kate Winslet is simply stunning. She’s been nominated for five Oscars, and with each subsequent nomination has broken the record for nominations at her age. She’s got an impressive, and wildly varied, resume — blockbusters (Titanic) to Jane Austen brit-drama (Sense and Sensibility) to biopics (Finding Neverland, Quills). She’s Clementine Kruczynski, damn it — you show me a man who’s seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and doesn’t have a permanent crush on her after that, and I’ll show you a man with no soul. More than anything else, she’s brave — highly selective about her roles, taking risks that other actors wouldn’t dream of. All off that, when mixed in with her looks and talent, sculpt the clay into a masterpiece. — TK
8. Ryan Gosling: People who find themselves drawn to this “aw shucks” charmer often fall into the same category as guys who say they fall in love with girls for their personalities or women who claim to love men for their sense of humor — shameless boldfaced liars. Whereas I can appreciate the dude for his amazing roles as a struggling Jewish Neo-Nazi in The Believer, a crack-addicted school teacher in Half-Nelson, or a semi-retarded shut-in in Lars and the Real Girl, none of these are reasons to want to jump his talented bones. (If they are, wow, seek group therapy or sterilization. Immediately.) No, it’s pretty much The Notebook. Deny it all you want, pretend to claim otherwise, but Noah Calhoun makes all the pantaloons get damp. Even my dear friend Fluffy, who’s heart is as black as her eyeliner, gets all weepy and smitten with this flick. No matter what sort of mentally deranged crackpot Gosling whips up, he’s going to be like the memory of kissing someone in the rain — unforgettably romantic and permanently etched into your heart. — Brian Prisco
7. Kristen Bell: All right, people. What the hell did you go and put the purely hot chick on the list for? Oh, sure, she was the perfect actress for “Veronica Mars,” and she wasn’t bad in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. But she was kind of wasted in “Heroes,” and her slate of upcoming films (save for the long in development Fanboys) portends that she’s going to turn into what her cute-as-a-button-face suggests: A romantic-comedy lead. But hey! She has some nice fun bags and that, combined with a geek-friendly personae, perpetual kissy-face, and a willingness to wear a bikini in the men’s magazines makes her appropriate for the list this year. But by this time next year, especially for those who didn’t watch the brilliant “Veronica Mars,” a lot of people are just going to be confusing her with Allison Mack. That said, she is totally bangin, and if you could knock off that ugly dude from “Punk’d,” she’s the perfect girl to eat crackers in bed with, if you get what I’m saying (I’m saying, ‘Have familiar relations with.’). — Dustin Rowles
6. Nathan Fillion: I don’t quite know where to begin. Nathan Fillion seems like a guy who’d go for a beer, or get your back in a fight, so he’s definitely got the camaraderie thing going. But he’s also somehow more mature than the other actors often mentioned as being sexy (I’m looking sadly at you, McConaughey). In an era when male stars are preened to be hot, Fillion is full-on handsome, a masculine throwback to an older era. Plus he’s so damn affable I don’t know what to do. He’s a talented dramatic actor — dude freaking gouges someone’s eye out in a guest arc on the final season of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” — but it’s his comedy chops that really sell him, whether it’s the splatter humor of Slither or the quirky charms of Waitress. He’s a man’s man, you know? Classy, casual, and totally put together. — Dan Carlson
5. Clive Owen: Hey there, Super Tiger Sex Commando. You’re looking fit with your creased, shadowy face, your lean, rangy form, your laconic, melancholy voice with its silky-gruff single malt finish. You paid your television actor dues for years before firmly entering the soft, sensual ground of our cinematic consciousness, lithely slipping out of the dark water and under the covers like some brusquely gentle British love ninja who finally bested James Bond. Caked in grime, a little smoke-blackened from saving mankind or pulling a huge bank heist, you’ve gone toe to toe with Denzel Washington, Michael Caine and Paul Giamatti, burned your image into our memories, and become the most enduring dark knight of our gritty fever dreams. The hard-to-earn but big-payoff smile is just a bonus we get once per picture. Now that you’ve earned the top spot on the “If I Had To …” list, bring me a glass of whisky, turn up The Trinity Sessions, and help me out of these wet clothes. Ted Boynton
4. Tina Fey: From a purely superficial perspective, Tina Fey is an attractive woman. In fact, Fey is what some might call attainable-hot — more attractive than the average gal on the street, but not so blazing hot that a random Joe (or Jane, if you swing that way) couldn’t walk up to her at a bar and have a chance. Of course, the reason Fey is on this list isn’t merely because of the superficial; when you dig deeper, you come to the sad realization that the Joe in the bar actually can’t attain her and, worse yet, his failure will be ten times more painful than had he just been shot down by some toweringly gorgeous model. And that’s because Fey’s got smarts, wit and a biting sense of humor and sarcasm. All of which she would no doubt use to create some retort to Joe’s cheesy pick-up line which would leave him feeling small and insignificant, muttering “blurgh” to himself, whilst Fey wryly smiles and turns back to the bar, where she very well may do a pratfall simply because the moment calls for it. And if that sort of sharp emasculation coupled with silliness isn’t fucking hot, well I just don’t know what is. — Seth Freilich
3. Robert Downey, Jr.: Let’s not kid ourselves people. Robert Downey, Jr. isn’t just on this list because, at least until three months ago, he was the most unappreciated actor of his generation. It’s not just because he can do drama, comedy, superhero or the dude playing the dude disguised as another dude without breaking a sweat. Nor is it because Robert Downey, Jr. managed to bring a C-level superhero to A-level status. Let’s be honest with ourselves — the reason he’s here is because you want him to say dirty, nasty, pleasant things to you before tearing off your clothes with his teeth and fucking you on a stairwell in a dark alley in the middle of the day. You want him to pull out his arsenal of kink and then mingle his nicotine scent with your glistening sweat as he has his naughty naughty way with you on a kitchen table. And you want it over. and over. and over again. Until he breaks you. Until you can’t feel your legs. Until you’ve lost your voice from all the moaning. And then you want it again.
Plus, he’s been nominated for an Oscar! — Dustin Rowles
2. James McAvoy: Although the past year has seen this Scottish laddie catch on to U.S. mainstream audiences, James McAvoy is no overnight success. In fact, this actor insists that slowly growing his acting career has kept him grounded in such a shallow industry. McAvoy is known for his extreme versatility in roles, and, though it’s a pity to lose that Scottish brogue, this ephemeral nature allows McAvoy to easily adopt the character traits and flaws necessary for any role. Indeed, he is quite the convincing actor, whether he appears as a wrongly accused lover in Atonement, a ruffian prince charming for Penelope, or a blockbuster antihero in this summer’s Wanted. McAvoy commands a huge on-screen presence, but, offscreen, he is the poster boy of humility by keeping a modest lifestyle, preferring not to be noticed, and still driving that old beat-up Nissan. Of course, this one is a bit rough around the edges himself, but those are some damn fine edges. McAvoy is short, wiry, pale, and, obviously, not classically handsome, but his chiseled face and slight scruffiness adds to his accessible irresistibility. Aye, this laddie makes lassies (and many laddies as well) quite randy. — Agent Bedhead
1. Christian Bale: MMMmmmMMMM mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmMMMMM mmmmmmmmm, Bale.
(Wait, what? I have to write a whole paragraph?)
Fine. Here’s why Christian Bale is the shit. He’s the only object of my and many other ladies my age totally tame, early teen day dreams (Swing Kids! Newsies!) who’s grown up with us (Little Women, Velvet Goldmine) and still remains in our all kindsa dirty, adult fantasies (American Psycho, Bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb BAT MAN).
He’s relatively non existent in the tabloid culture. He’s wicked talented. And he’s fucking hot. So, like I said…
MMMmmm MMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm MMMMM mmmmmmmmm, Bale. Beckyloo Who
(Note: The Pajiba 10 was based on reader votes. The votes were tabulated and the piece was written and scheduled for publication before news broke of Bale’s alleged assault (or threat of violence, not actual violence) on his mother and sister. At this point, since they are only allegations, we decided to keep Bale at number one. After all, you voted for him; he’s the hero that Pajiba Deserves. Because he can take it. He’s a night watchman, the silent protector, The Dark Knight.
Guides | August 28, 2008 | Comments ()