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February 11, 2009 |

By Dustin Rowles | Guides | February 11, 2009 |

Inspired by the upcoming publication of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, a Jane Austin classic given a zombie flavor by Seth Grahame-Smith (studios are currently fighting over the rights to the film), we ran a contest/diversion last week in which we solicited the best alternative zombie movies and television shows. The ideas were outstanding, and should any studio suit need inspiration for their next big-budget mockery, today’s Guide should provide enough fodder to keep them busy for the next two years.

We asked for a title and a premise, or just a title, so before we get to the top 15 Zombie Movie ideas, here are simply the five best titles.

5. Faster Zombiecat! Eat! Eat! by admin
4. Pixar’s Zomb-E! by Odnon
3. Dr. Horrible Horrible Zombie’s Moan-Along Blog by meaux
2. Coultergeist by Lee
1. Eating Miss Daisy by bucslim

And now, the 15 best zombie premises (with our winner getting the zombie DVD of his choice):

15. Zombie Vaginas: The Musical by Mike R., with a hat tip to whatBenwatches

Finally, Christopher Walken has an excuse to be in a musical again, as he plays a pimp who whores out zombies for a fee. On top of that we get Anne Hathaway as the zombie/druggie prostitute who wants to change and Hugh Jackman as the wealthy businessman who wants to take her from her life of pain and rot. Throw in Tim Roth and Gary Oldman as two zombies who run around as comic relief, and Dame Judi Dench as the grand dame of all zombies, and you have a motion picture sensation of a lifetime! Thrills, Chills, And Spills…all YOUR pants!

ZOMBIE VAGINA: THE MUSICAL throws Cabaret and Zombie Strippers together with Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, and in the end gives us the showstopping extravaganza the world has been waiting for!

14. To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everythi… Holy shit! ZOMBIES! by Skitz

A trio of drag Queens on their way to Hollywood? Hell yes. They get pulled over by homobophomic hick cop who gets knocked unconscious and mistaken for dead when he tries to fiddle Swayze’s dingle-dangle? Oh, hell yes. Their Cadillac breaks down in a small town in the middle of fucking nowhere? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! HELL. YEEES! And the fatty douche cop who they thought was dead actually winds up dead because… uh, because he… uh. I dunno, bitten by a leper squirrel or something. Doesn’t matter - bottom line is he winds up dead (actually undead) and he’s still got a hankering for Swaye’s dinkle, right? So where’s he gonna go? TO THE SMALL TOWN AND WREAK HOLY FRIGGIN’ MONKEYSHINES ON THEIR GODDAM STRAWBERRY SOCIAL!!! THE MOTHER EFFING STRAWBERRY SOCIAL, PEOPLE! CAN YOU IMAGINE?!

Plot, plot, plot. Redeeming something or other. Plot, plot, plot. Noxeema and something regarding the current state of race relations in small-town America. Plot, plot, plot. Virgil beats the living Christ out of Stockard Channing. Plot, plot, plot. Everyone in town dresses up in drag, blah, blah blah, then BAM! FUCKING HORNY ZOMBIE COP! BLOOD! STRAWBERRIES! JOHN LEGUIZAMO’S CHI-CHI GETTING HIS THROAT TORN TO SHREDS BY ZOMBIE BOBBY RAY, WHILE BOBBY LEE WATCHES ON IN HORROR!! MAKEOVERS!!

(…pant, pant, pant…)

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need about five minutes alone in the lavatory.

13. What’s Eating Spielberg’s Brain? by dammitjanet

A group of readers of a movie review website come to the realization that the movers and shakers in Hollywood, who are producing new TV shows and movies, have all been infected by a particularly virulent strain of non-originusdickititus, believed to have started somewhere in the back of Uwe Boll’s bathtub. This disease has destroyed the portion of their brains that produce coherent and original thought, therefore rendering all their work repetitive garbage, rehashing the same few ideas over and over again, all casting either Tom Cruise, Adam Sandler or Renee Zellweger. The readers join together to form an army to fight the infected, all traveling together in a caravan of modified vehicles a’ la Mad Max, led by the MurderTank. Upon arrival in California, they are shocked to discover the entire state has been overtaken by the infection, and they must battle the forces of shitty movie making to save society.

12. Eternal Sunshine of the Devoured Mind by Jeremy Feist

A zombie attacks Joel while he’s having his memory erased. The resulting fuckery causes the zombie to replace Joel in his memories, and said zombie ends up chasing Clementine through Joel’s memory, only to be crushed in the end when the beach house collapses on him.

11. Jaws of the Undead by alexis

Zombie shark knows no bounds in his quest for human brains. He doesn’t need to swim, he can rest on a sandbar for hours waiting for a delicious tow-headed surfer with a big, mushy brain to come paddling to his death.

For more wacky zombies, check out Picnic of the Living Dead!

10. The Curious Case of Zombie Benjamin Button by Genny (also Rusty) and Ed Newman

Really a logical step. And it’d be a Baby Zombie (or would at least look like a baby) which would up the hilarity. Unsuspecting victim strolls through a room, trips over a baby toy and BOOM! Face hugging Baby Zombie is on them!

A zombie ages backward to its originally infection, and realizes that zombification is just a natural (and preferable) part of (un)death. Brad Pitt stars and gives the exact same performance except he occasionally drawls (in varying southern accents): Braaaaiiiinss!

9. Bubblegum Zombie! by Kayanne

In an effort to maintain a consistent tween to teen fanbase, a record company decides that there has to be a way to keep a star young forever (discounting the shit they did to Judy Garland). Thinking they’ve found the ultimate de-age-ifier, the record company’s fading starlet-du-jour, Laylee (she is 19, after all), volunteers to take serum. But instead of being forever young, she’s a zombie! Rather than foregoing her career she keeps up a life of fame using botox to help stabilize her crumbling limbs. She has to deal with the desire to eat brains and the burgeoning love she starts to feel for the scientist, Dr. Jake, assigned to finding a cure.

Roughly three records will be produced in conjunction with a movie and then the ensuing TV show will put out about one CD a season. Toys and other marketable items are negotiable. Dannon is working on creating a brain shaped yogurt container.

Kids will love it!

8. Schindler’s Lifeless by Paco

Fuck all y’all motherfuckers. The best reinvention of zombies for the new generation will be Schindler’s Lifeless. A couple of zombies, a town of zombies, fuck all that. I’m talking the possibility of six million zombie Jews, rising from the ashes to get them some Nazi revenge. You’ve got a natural origin story with Mengele’s experiments. You’ve got the Allies coming in to save the day, and you’ve got a ready-made sequel — The Rise of Israaaaaaaaael.

7. Sex and the City 3: Fucking Zombies! by Figgy

The plot: each of the ‘girls’ has died from a violent, as yet unknown strain of syphilis obtained after fucking their way through a graveyard after they had run out of real live men who wanted to fuck their geriatric asses.

Basically, the virus didn’t really kill them, but instead made them into a quarter of nymphomaniac zombie whores who wake up one day and decide to take over the city, fucking the life out of every man they encounter, unless they are paid in shoes. They will develop legions of ardent fans and followers who will attempt to obtain the virus and then will die, spending eternity fucking and getting more shoes.

“It’s what every girl wants!” will be the tagline.

6. Titanic: Dead Sea by Macafee

Unknown to its privileged upper-class passengers, the ill-fated Titanic carries in its lower decks something more horrifying than any iceberg has to offer. Star-crossed lovers Jack and Rose discover they have bigger problems than a jealous fiance and a rapidly sinking ship as a rowdy party in the impoverished cabins turns into a bloodbath that threatens to infect the entire ship.
The greatest scene occurs at the very end, when all the undead rise from the wreckage to drag the survivors from their rafts into the depths of the sea.

5. Zack and Miri Make a Zombie — bucdaddy

Underemployed slacker zombie guy and gal who are best friends decide to rob a graveyard of body parts to build a third slacker zombie with guy AND gal parts to chew on, as a way to avoid admitting they’re in love and really want to eat each other.

Introduces new crude phrases to the popular lexicon, such as “brainwaffle” and “Pittsburgh cerebral cortex steamer.” With a cameo by Zombie Bob, who

*spolier alert!*

has never said a word in any zombie love story until at the end of this one, when he says “Braaaaaaaaaaains.”

* End spoiler alert*

A Kevin Smith/George Romero production.

4. Zombie is the Word by mswas

Danny and Sandy fall in love in Australia. When Sandy moves to the US, she finds that Danny has become a zombie. Sweet, innocent Sandy just doesn’t fit in with Danny and his hip, undead friends.

She undergoes an undead makeover and finally wins Zombie Danny over.

Hit musical numbers include:

“Zombie Lightning”
“You’re the Zombie I Want”
“Zombie School Dropout”
“Hopelessly Devoted to Zombie”
“Look at Me, I’m Zombie Dee”

3. Oklahoma Outbreak by Robert

From the twisted minds that brought you Carousel - a musical of spousal abuse and pedophilia - and South Pacific - the greatest racist war musical ever created, comes the next iteration of terror: Oklahoma Outbreak!

In a sunny farm town, on a sunny farm day, where the corn grows as high as an elephant’s eye, a simple way of life is about to die. The long standing feud between the farmers and the cowhands has reached a tentative peace over a basket lunch gone terrible.

A deranged cowhand named Curly thought he could eliminate the farmers from the Oklahoma territory by poisoning the water system. What he didn’t count on was the ancient In’jun burial ground down by the old swimmin’ hole.

Now Judd, cowboy Curly, and Laurey - the lady torn between them - must band together to fight off the vengeful wave of In’jun savages bent on scalping heads and scooping brains.

Featuring unforgettable hits like “Surrey with a Scope On Top,” “(I’m Just a’ In’jun who) Cain’t Say No to Brains,” and “Out of the Grave/Head Shot Ballet,” Oklahoma Outbreak! is good ol’ fashioned fun for all ages.

2. The Zombies take Manhattan by Julie

Kermit the Zombie and his zombet friends (including Fozzombie Bear, Gonzombie, Miss Undead Pork Rind, Dr. Teeth and the Zombie Mayhem, and , uh, Scooter)treck to Manhattan to seek fame, fortune, and tasty and somewhat bicurious occipital lobes on Broadway. After a disheartening and dismembering couple of weeks auditioning and devouring the sweetbreads of theater producers and receiving huggies from diner waitresses, the gang disbands to raise money for their Broadway Show, “Manhattan Melodies and Brooklyn Brainstems.” Unfortunately, as Kermit is lumbering after a helpless victim, he’s hit by a car and promptly loses his memory. Which is ironic, in a way.

Kermit briefly moonlights as an ad exec, creating the successful campaign for Ocean Breeze Soap, “Ocean Breeze Soap: It Will Get Even the Toughest Brain Matter Stains Out of Your Clothes Mmm Brains Matter Stains NOM NOM NOM.” Soon his friends discover him at Pete’s Diner where, after a brief altercation with Undead Pork Rinds, he recovers his memory and is able to perform the highlight of his show: an ode to cross undead species matrimony,”Somebody’s Getting Massacred.”

“Somebody get a hacksaw!
Somebody get a sponge!
Sombody get some scrumptious cerebral cortexes to munch!”

1. Full House…of Zombies by Pissboy

Much like zombies themselves, the television series “Full House” is resurrected … but this time … with Zombies. Except for Dave Coulier. He’s already the walking dead … ever seen his standup??? Danny Hidetanner is the dad zombie who hosts the funny morning show “Wake Up and Eat the Living, San Francisco!” Uncle Jesse Catsoupalous is a slowly decomposing, early 30’s rock star, heavily involved in his rock band Jesse and the Fleshrippers, who make their living touring small clubs and shoveling Beach Boys covers on humanity. Becky Catsoupalous is Uncle Jesse’s loving wife, who’s just about to have twin zombie babies, Nick and Alex. Hilarity ensues when Nick and Alex eat their ways out of mombie’s womb, and to cover up the bloodstains on DJ’s new fur coat, Michelle Skintanner has to go and slaughter hundreds of tiny white rabbits. There will be fur everywhere, and she would have extreme difficulty gurgling her “you got it dude” catchphrase because of all the fur lodged in her throat. DJ Skintanner is the lovable eldest daughter who finally has her last childish blow-up with Kimmy Giblet and eats her throat on the back patio, before stealing back her favorite neon scuncci and Kimmy’s acid-washed denim jacket. Stephanie Skintanner wouldn’t serve any real purpose other than being an ex-meth head zombie who makes stupid faces and pisses off Danny. The running gag in the first episode would be the guys having to change Michelle’s diaper (have you EVER seen/smelled zombie shit?!!?) because she’s having IBS from the rabbit leavins. Dave Coulier would just walk around in a steel collar so his jugular doesn’t get bitten open, forcing him to talk in his Jackalope voice for every episode.

(Finally, an answer to the family-friendly zombie flick searched for in this comic, with a hat tip to richmac)


Guides | February 11, 2009 |

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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