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The 10 Most Scathing and Bitchy Film Reviews of 2012

By Dustin Rowles | Guides | January 2, 2013 | Comments ()


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Click on the image for the full reviews.

Resident Evil: Retribution

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Sparkle

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The Vow

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Wrath of Titans

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Battleship

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Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

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The Raven

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What to Expect When You're Expecting

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The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2

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Alex Cross

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Comments Are Welcome, Douches Are Not


  • AxlProse

    Uh guys there's something wrong they're all from this website and mostly from one person.

  • norm

    hey these are all from pajiba

  • I aspire to the greatness of these quotes.

  • ElmoTee

    Godtopus, I love this site.

  • THESE SHOULD ALWAYS BE INCLUDED WITH THE REVIEWS.

    (I just proved that I'm the 99% who appreciates something more with a goddamn pretty picture stuck behind it.)

  • 'repressed half-literates' - a phrase that became shamelessly overused by me as soon as I saw Dustin spew that masterful little gem out.

  • AvaLehra

    My favorite line of the ALEX CROSS review was, "It’s an ungodly, incoherent atrociously acted mess of a film written by psychopathically dumb people who couldn’t sell a line to a three-sided square." I tip my hat to that line!

  • Uriah_Creep

    Dustin: Could you please have the "Next Page" button at the bottom of the front page fixed? We're having a hard time catching up on the Pajiba we missed during the holidays. Thank you.
    Uriah C.

  • apsutter

    And here I thought it was just my iPad fucking up

  • I love imagining how some studio hack could work those quotes into favorable snippets to put into posters or DVD boxes.

    Resident Evil? "A Film that is so Splendidly, wonderfully, simply a marvel to behold. A monument."

    The Vow?"It's like an adorable kitten."

    Wrath of the Titans? "A cast of characters utterly...mythical...mighty...magical."

    [That quote is BEAUTIFUL, by the way]

    The Raven? "Quote the Raven: Poe."

  • PDamian

    Breaking Dawn: "Like having mind-blowing sex."

    Ghost Rider: "It aims high."

  • Now I ain't no fancy pants big city Pajiba writer, but I can get pretty damn bitchy when I want to. Case in point, ATM, the worst film of 2012.

    "ATM is a claustrophobic horror film about a trio of paper thin characters trapped inside an isolated ATM booth by a super-powered sociopath. They whine, cry, and do stupid things until the credits roll."

    May nothing be as bad as that whopping piece of shit in 2013.

  • Ash

    "Disappointing buzz bank fodder for repressed half-literates"

    But still, Lee Pace!

  • thenchonto

    I shall never sink so low just to catch a glimpse of my red bandit! Neigh - I shall take the high road, which here means sneaking into The Hobbit over and over again to watch the first ten minutes, then slip quietly away as the piemaking elf on the moose is abandoned in favor of the infinitely less intriguing dwarven menagerie.

    Ikotane tua amin, Peter Jackson, if that edhelen aen doesn't have a bigger role in the next movie, amin indome teena' de thorold tanya nat'!

  • Ash

    Man I didn't even realize it was him with the flowing gold locks until like 5 minutes after his scene. And now I have to see all future Hobbit movies for my Lee Pace fix.
    Well played, Peter Jackson.

  • John W

    And the winner is the review for whatever-the-fuck-of-the-Titans by T-whatever-the-fuck-his-real-name-is-K

  • Melissa Doucette

    This is magnificent. You should make magnets out of those!

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Where is the Prisco? Has he gotten too big for Pajiba?

  • Drake

    I wondered that too.

  • TheOriginalMRod

    This is the best!!! Yay scathing and bitchy!

  • Blake

    I thought Joanna Robinson's review of Les Misérables has some of the best quotes of the year:

    Hands Down The Best Feel-Sh*tty Movie Of The Year

    Under Hathaway's image:

    Her Hathaway lack of vanity and self-conciousness as she weep-warbles her way through “I Dreamed a Dream” will strike you down</del>.

    Honorable mention to e jerry powell for:

    It's a sad-off, muthafuckahs!

    Damn you HTML why won't you strike through?

  • Try strikethrough.

    < s > < / s > is what I used.

  • Blake

    Thanks duckandcover!

  • lowercase_ryan

    Jesus, so much love. This is why I could never quit Pajiba. No matter how wrong you pronounce it.

  • Erich

    I always assumed that Pajiba rhymes with Kwyjibo

  • lowercase_ryan

    quit showing off with your fancy name spelling and your exotic words.

  • Mrcreosote

    Bathtub transformers-heh. I imagine one in the shape of a half-melted bar of soap, one in the form of a loofah and one in the form of that 99% empty bottle of conditioner that always ends up under your foot while taking a shower. That fucker is a Decepticon because it's always trying to kill me.

  • BWeaves

    These are approaching Blackadder level of quotations.

  • Mrs. Julien

    //spooning monitor//

    Wash
    Wash me clean
    Mend my wounded seams
    Cleanse my tarnished dreams

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Aw, you're going Canadian gay for Pajiba. How sweet.

  • Mrs. Julien

    kd lang played my Frosh Week. True story.

    Subject: [jiba] Re: The 10 Most Scathing and Bitchy Film Reviews of 2012

  • Drake

    Ahhh, like an ice-cold shower after a hangover.

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