Pajiba Time Capsule: The 10 Most Bangable Celebrities on the Planet, 2004 Edition
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Pajiba Time Capsule: The 10 Most Bangable Celebrities on the Planet, 2004 Edition

By Vivian Kane | Guides | July 28, 2014 | Comments ()

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What a glorious day this is! In celebration of Pajiba’s 10th anniversary, and because we’re all suffering from Pajiba 10 withdrawl, we’ve decided to re-publish the very first ever Pajiba 10. Now, some of you may be under the impression the the first list didn’t happen until 2007. Well, you’re wrong. To prove it, we dug up the Pajiba Time Capsule, which is a totally real thing that exists, buried deep in the bowels of TK’s basement.

So here they are, the 10 most bangable celebrities of 2004. Some of them we still love, some make us cringe, but we have to own up to our sins of the past.

10. Martin Freeman - If you’ve ever worked a boring office job, you appreciate just how special a Tim is. Someone who gets your particular brand of sarcasm, shares your snarky sensibilities, and knows exactly who you are mentally eviscerating by the raise of your eyebrow. The Office may have ended, but Tim (and, by proxy Martin Freeman) will live forever in our hearts and our loins. And yes, there are rumors of an American version of the show coming sometime next year, but we can’t imagine anyone could live up to Freeman’s adorable smirky charm.
timlove life.gif

9. Viggo Mortensen - This winter we’ll see the last installment of the Lord of the Rings trilogy and you all know what that means. No, not more pointlessly lengthy fight sequences. Well, actually yes, that too. But more importantly, the last glimpse we’ll get of scruffly, scraggly, oh-so-serious Aragorn. With the announcement of Viggo’s casting in next year’s A History of Violence, we’re glad the guy will be sticking around, in an equally violent, less Peter Jacksony way.

8. Lauren Ambrose - This girl is a serious web of contradictions. She’s Denise Fleming, the oddly sexy outcast we’d want to be trapped in a bathroom with. And she’s Chicklet, the most psychotic attendee of any beach party. Then she started showing up weekly in our living rooms as Claire in Six Feet Under, who may have started off as a troubled little sister, but has recently been…developing in ways that confuse our big sibling protective proclivities. This past season, as Claire “discovers” herself (and Mena Suvari) at art school, we find ourselves discovering some shameful feelings toward Lauren Ambrose.

7. James Franco - With the eyes of an abandoned puppy and the smile of a sexy,sexy angel, Daniel Desario was the freak and/or geek we wanted to get to super freaky all over. Now that he’s turned supervillain, we only hope that this shift from charming television character to major blockbuster actor isn’t the start of a long future of overexposure, eventually turning us against him with a venomous wrath. That probably won’t happen.

6. Portia de Rossi - Those legs. That hair. That wit. Portia de Rossi looked like she might disappear after her run as Tantalizingly Stern Lawyer on Ally McBeal, but if you’re not watching Arrested Development (WHY AREN’T YOU WATCHING THIS SHOW?), you may have no idea how much more she’s capable of. And it is a lot.

5. Salma Hayek - Look, no one here is trying to defend Salma Hayek’s acting ability. Or her choice of roles. That would be foolish. She’s an odd mainstream choice for a group of misfits like us here, but we just can’t help ourselves. The woman is walking, talking, unabashed, unadulterated, straight-up sex personified. We have no complaints.

4. Jon Stewart - Jon Stewart really classes up this list, don’t you think? He’s smart as hell, looks amazing in a suit, and is changing the face of the modern news show. The guy is a sexy Walter Cronkite, a genius, biting journalist hiding in a Comedy Central parody.

3. Maggie Gyllenhaal - Gyllenhaal is basically the epitome of Pajiban lust. She may not be conventionally bombshell-hot, but she is uniquely, weirdly beautiful, seems brilliant, and exudes cool. If you saw Secretary and she did shoot to the top of your freebies list, well, then there’s really nothing more to say, is there?
22 maggie gyllenhaal.jpg

2. Natalie Portman - Like Lauren Ambrose, Natalie Portman brings the shame and confusion to this list. It’s not easy reconciling her extreme gorgeousness with that little sister image. We may have fallen in not-at-all-sexual love with her through The Professional and Beautiful Girls, and we’ve watched her grow up these last few years through those godawful Star Wars movies, but it’s clear her best roles are yet to come. This year she’s set to star in a romantic quirky comedy with Zach Braff (J.D.!), and play a stripper in Mike Nichols’ Closer. After that, we expect to have a lot more confusion and shame to deal with.

1. Nathan Fillion - Firefly has been off the air for less than a year, so we’re well within the statute of limitations that we just made up. Plus, we’re all still holding out hope for a resurrection of the show, or better yet, a movie (don’t hold your breath).

Vivian Kane was surprised to find that GIFs existed in 2004, but apparently, according to this 100% real list she found, they did.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • babykangarootribbiani

    isn;t putting maggie gyllenhaal on the list kind of cheating, because she was in the pajiba 10 three times? (no, i'm not that dumb. but just saying it kind of messes with the continuity of the joke to put someone on the list you used 3 times).

  • Maydays

    Jon Stewart is my always and forever. Sexy brains.

  • AvaLehra

    Viggo, Nathan, Salma, Maggie and Jon -- I am AvaLehra and I approve this message.

  • mzblackwidow

    Viggo is forever in my freebies and Fillion would be too. I have no argument in particular with any of the others on this list either EXCEPTFRANCO. He was revolting then too, I have never seen an iota of appeal about him and of course - when you add the slimey crazy into the mix ...

  • nobcarajo100

    What an odd list for pajiba, current pajiba wouldn't allow this list.

  • e jerry powell

    Also, no matter how deep we're going into the catacombs, mention of Fillion without inclusion of Fillion Booty is UNACCEPTABLE.

    LOOK AT IT. It is a thing of unequaled booty beauty.

  • Kala

    I want to bite it. I AM NOT ASHAMED.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    I want to be Morena Baccarin in that scene.

  • e jerry powell

    Who said you should be?

    I'd be worried about your mental health if you didn't.

  • e jerry powell

    The record will show that I still want to make kissyface with Viggo.

  • As do I. Or have a nice long dinner and a walk on the beach while we talk about art and poetry and anything except his movie career - unless he wants to talk about that.

  • e jerry powell

    Talk? What's that?


  • Three_nineteen

    2004 was when The Wire was in its heyday, and still no respect for Idris Elba? Poor String.

  • Robert Sanchez III

    Oh how the tide has turned for Franco on this site.

  • APOCooter

    Is that a Two Guys and a Girl gif? Please, please tell me that's Nathan Fillion from Teo Guys and a Girl.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    "the bowels of TK’s basement"

    Is that some kind of euphemism?

    Anyway, I certainly can get behind the female part of this list.

  • Dennis Albert Ramirez

    mmm Salma Hayek

  • Billybob

    The single sexiest scene in the history of cinema is Salma Hayek's bikini dance in From Dusk Till Dawn. Even the presence of Quentin Tarantino and Quentin Tarantino's weird foot fetish couldn't damage that.

    Salma Hayek remains amazing to this day.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    It was the single most confusing scene in cinema history for me. I won't judge you for your snake-headed women fetish, but I was totally unprepared for that particular change.

  • narfna

    Hmmm, I'm wondering, if this is a real list . . . Firefly went off the air in 2002. So definitely more than a year in between then and 2004. Juuuuuust saying. Also, I think filming for Serenity would have been under way by 2004? Not sure on that though.

    I wish GIFs had been around for my LOTR obsession. I would have had them all over my Angelfire webpage, just of Aragorn being Aragorn. And also Legolas sliding down things. I was really into that for some reason.

  • Mike D. Dubs.

    Hindsight being 20/20, lets see how well the Pajiba team predicted the pop landscape future.

    [Martin Freeman] "there are rumors of an American version of the show coming sometime next year, but we can’t imagine anyone could live up to Freeman’s adorable smirky charm"

    I would argue Krasinski pulled this one off. Though, I agree NO ONE saw this coming.

    [James Franco] "isn’t the start of a long future of overexposure, eventually turning us against him with a venomous wrath"

    I think he came close, but I would say he kept his indy cred somewhat, and more people still like him than hate him.

    [Portia] "she might disappear after her run as Tantalizingly Stern Lawyer on Ally McBeal"

    3 Seasons of Arrested + Nip Tuck, Better off Ted and a Fourth (and maybe fifth?) season of AD. I would stay she didn't disappear.

    [Filllian] "Plus, we’re all still holding out hope for a resurrection of the show, or better yet, a movie (don’t hold your breath)."

    I held my breath. Oh, how sweet it was.

  • Sean

    "I held my breath. Oh, how sweet it was." Except for that one part. And that other part.

  • guyminuslife

    Listen, to truly appreciate auto-erotic asphyxiation, you need to understand the duality of pleasure and pain.

  • NateMan

    Maggie. The Secretary. The movie that got me saying "Why the FUCK don't my office jobs work out like this one?!"

    Seriously. It's not fair. I would have sacrificed my left nut to get a sub secretary.

  • emmalita

    Only a domme secretary would have demanded it.

  • I'd let Natalie Portman kill my dog for five good minutes alone with her. She's still HAF.

  • HasenKlub

    Aside from Franco, I would argue that's still a pretty solid list. In fact, 6 of them were in my finalists for this year - two only missing out because they were Hall of Famers.

  • Kala

    Second this. There's not a damn thing wrong with this list as long as you can quickly scroll past #7.

    I am so ashamed of those five minutes when I thought he was attractive. SO ASHAMED.

  • HasenKlub

    What's even weirder is how much I've actually come to like Dave Franco. He annoyed the piss out of me in that season of Scrubs (the one I would prefer to pretend doesn't exist), and I couldn't see him as anything but some always-sqinting carbon-copy of James.

    But he's had some pretty decent turns in movies, and especially that spot he did with Conan cruising Tinder is what flipped him for me.

  • I still love that season of Scrubs because of Kerry Bishe and Eliza Coupe.

  • Kala

    I haven't seen him in too many things, but he seems like a semi-sane guy, which already makes him head and shoulders against his brother.

  • Sara Habein

    Minus the Franco, this is still a good list.

  • You can keep the Franco, just change it to Dave.

  • cranky_chick

    Hell yeah! He's way hotter.

  • HasenKlub

    I literally just posted the same thing :-)

  • Lurkey Turkey

    Ah, my lions! Not too shabby for first time out the gate, friends. Not too shabby at all.

  • HasenKlub

    "...Tim (and, by proxy Martin Freeman) will live forever in our hearts and our loins."

    What are these "loins" you speak of? Some relic of the Before Times in the Long Long Ago?

  • vivkane

    In the pre-lions days. Those were dark times for all.

  • csb

    We had gifs since the 90s. You couldn't have a page on geocities unless it was buried in them.

  • elirt

    james franco... *cringe* *shudder* we never saw that trainwreck coming.

  • stella

    Remember when you could look at a picture of him and not think about how badly he must smell?

  • pajiba

    Accurate list is accurate.

  • $116023062

    Martin Freeman? Really?

    I get 1 through 9 (even Franco 2004 version anyways)...

    *Was HHGTTG / Love Actually & The Office (before the Murican version anyways) that big of a thing here then? And if so where's Chiwetel Ejiofor, Andrew Lincoln, Liam Neeson and Colin Firth?

    **My 2004 List would have been all Caroline Dhavernas.

  • Mrs. Julien

    "He looks like a Fisher Price man!"

  • $116023062

    And that's a "sexy" thing for Pajiba Commentators?

  • Mrs. Julien

    No judgement.

  • $116023062

    From here neither.

  • Mrs. Julien

    But definitely a "side eye" for taste, am I right?

  • $116023062

    Little Column A, Little Column B.

  • BWeaves

    No. HHGG sucked as a movie. (I still love the TV show, though.) People loved Freeman for The Office.

  • alwaysanswerb

    Aragorn opening doors, or, " When alwaysanswerb Became a Woman."

  • mkt-rex

    Good God, I thought I was alone on the doors moment. I may have rewound that 3 second part of the movie more than anything else.

  • Erin S

    Man, I remember getting dragged to the final Lord of the Rings movie (after knowing nothing of the rest of it) by my friends who were obsessed with the series. They were all, "Orlando Bloom though!" And I thought, "Okay, he's cute." Then this magical creature walked onscreen. Hello, onset of puberty.

  • Danar the Barbarian

    Pillage ME, Aragorn! Yes, I can see this as a game changer for a teenage girl. I was already post-college, so it was just another affirmation of his hotness.

  • Mrs. Julien

    That is such a BAMF moment.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    that chest is so smooooooth.

    Oh, Fillion.

  • lowercase_ryan

    Lauren Ambrose never did it for me. Which is a first for a red head.

  • $116023062

    To each his or her own but she's lovely, and really doesn't look like she's aged a day since then.


  • Mrs. Julien

    I would step away quietly when Lord Inferno arrives with the High Ginger Council in tow.

  • lowercase_ryan

    Like I said, it's a first for me. I'm usually the first one in line, tooting that gingey horn. I'm all about the red.

    Just not with her.

  • Kris

    I miss Viggo Mortensen. There's a nerd pub called the Cloak and Blaster up the street from my house, and I was acutely aware of Aragorn smoldering at me from the wall the last time we were there. Hopefully my husband thought I was drooling over the food.

  • Three_nineteen

    My pub has a this picture in the women's bathroom, blown up so it covers one entire wall:

  • stella

    Omg I thought you meant Mr Mortensen was sitting by the wall staring at you and I was super jealous. Im still jealous of that awesome bar that you get to go to though...

  • bimboden

    You have a pub with a picture of Aragorn on the wall? I've never even heard of a nerd pub, but I feel like this needs to be a thing in LA. Although I feel like it would quickly devolve into a big debate about what is considered nerd culture as well as who's allowed to classify themselves as nerds. Nevermind. Keep it out of here. I'll just stay in my nerd dungeon to drink my Westerosi ale, Lake-town wine, and butterbeer in peace.

  • Danar the Barbarian

    Do you mean LA like Louisiana or L.A. like Los Angeles? Because if you mean Los Angeles, SHUT UP! We totally need a nerd bar. Nerd movies on the TV instead of sports. Dornish wine and lemon cakes on the menu. Discounts with costume. Who's with me?!?!

  • bimboden

    Okay fine. I'm back on board. How do we make this happen? Year-round discounts with costume could be the best idea ever...

  • Kris

    Everyone needs a nerd bar. This one's decorated with LotR posters and maps, Hogwarts school penants, a TARDIS in the corner, you name it. You can borrow tabletop games to play while you drink. (Walking Dead Risk last time. I won.) Instead of sports on the TVs, they play things like the LEGO Movie. All the stuff on the menu is named for different fandoms - my favorite is the Lannister, which is a bacon cheeseburger with peanut butter. Cosplay is encouraged, and when people try to pick you up, it's not for sex - it's for their D&D campaign.*

    *okay, maybe that's for sex later. I don't know how your gaming sessions go.

  • AliceAyres

    Viggo (forever in Eastern Promises). My lust for Aragorn marked my transition from child/teenager (Legolas) to adult (Aragorn).Viggo, Martin and Jon are still very accurately placed on the list and have aged quite nicely (understatement in Jon's case). Franco, while still good looking and talented, has let his douche consume him. I do not know what happened to Natalie Portman, but I still feel nostalgic love for her. Nathan Fillion is untouchable, but does not look like that anymore, happens to the best of them.

  • Billybob

    Natalie Portman is still flawless, and divides her time between Thor movies, and banging attractive French dancers. Well, one attractive French dancer. But that's probably one more than most of us are jumping.

  • AliceAyres

    She is still flawlessly beautiful and I will always love her for Leon amd Beautiful Girls, but somehow my love has to be reigneted. I will find a way.

  • I spent more time analyzing how to get Legolas' hairdo than how to get under his tunic. I only had eyes for Eomer. Karl Urban 4 Eva.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    My straight male friend tweeted the other day: In a perfect world, the answer to "Hey! Is that Karl Urban?" will always be "Yes."

    I don't know what prompted the tweet, but I can only agree. (and maybe use the old fortune cookie trick to add "in bed" to the end of the sentence.)

  • Target_Blonde

    May I have your friend's name? Because I am going to shamelessly steal this and I like to give credit where credit is due. #HonorAmongstThieves

  • Sara_Tonin00

    I'm sure he'll be curious at the random hashtagging/retweeting by a stranger. Don't tell him where you got it from.

    (he is actually hilarious, very worth following, and I die laughing at each of his tweets to 007)

  • AliceAyres

    I forgot Eomer. How could I forget Eomer?I am not a proper fan. Do I need to leave my badge at the door?
    Though, I am not sure I was old enough to be interested to get a glimpse under Legolas' tunic, but it might have happened that I recreated his plaits, wearing them to school. Legolas' style was right after my Princess Leia-buns-covering-my-ears style that I adopted quite religiously as well.

  • I had just started college when The Two Towers came out, so I must have been seventeen. Just the right age to appreciate Urban's +10 to hotness when riding a horse.

  • AliceAyres

    When The Two Towers came out, college was in the distant future. That Legolas obsession explains itself looking at my age.

  • Mrs. Julien

    5 points to Gryffindor for verisimilitude.

  • EvaKJones

    Amber implied I'm blown away that people can profit $5270 in four weeks on the
    computer . you could try this out J­a­m­2­0­.­C­O­M­

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