A Guide to Passively-Aggressively Breaking-Up with Your Partner Before Valentine's Day
Valentine’s Day is on Sunday, and there’s nothing more embarrassing than giving a bad, generic gift on that very special day of manufactured commerce. There’s a lot of anxiety built in to finding the perfect gift, and a lot of people decide, quite frankly, that it’s easier to simply break off a relationship than try to impress a significant other with the appropriate Valentine’s Day gift.
But if there’s one thing more difficult than finding the ideal Valentine’s gift, it’s breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend. This is especially true if you’re a spineless asshole (like myself), who’d rather get caught cheating than actually go through the painful process of dumping someone. But a cheating partner is not always so easy to find. Most of the time, it ultimately comes down to a painful, long drawn-out process that requires a series of “talks,” the frequent exchange of emails, and a few late-night calls. A break-up is like a hanging turd — you shake, you wiggle, and you bounce, but it just won’t let go. And if you try to let someone down easy, there’s always one more conversation to be had — you’re left with an endless series of “it’s not you, it’s me” pep talks, where you’re attempting to prop up their self-esteem so you the break-up is not compounded by the guilt of tearing down your ex. In the end, though, you always have to resort to harsh words to clean the break: “Go away, please leave me alone, I don’t love you anymore. Goodbye. Forever.”
But, there are more subtle ways of accomplishing a break-up, if you’re the passive aggressive type. I really can’t recommend a thematically appropriate movie marathon enough — it’s all about letting the characters in movies do all the talking for you. Let’s face it: Hollywood screenwriters are just much smarter than we are: They can put feelings into words and actions that the rest of us simply cannot.
That’s why I’d like to present to you, today, Pajiba’s Guide to Passively-Aggressively Breaking Up with Your Significant Other. Watch one or more of these movies, and by the end of the night, you should be completely free of your relationship, just in time to avoid Valentine’s Day!
But before you pop in that first DVD, let me recommend two things:
1) Have sex with your significant other. If you’re about to call off the relationship, engage in a little fornication — you may not be able to do so again for a while. And go all out: Do all that dirty stuff you’re always contemplating, but too cowardly to follow through on. If you’re lucky, the shame may drive him or her away before you have to even go through with the break-up proceedings. If you’re doubly lucky, he or she may be so up for your sex-play shenanigans, that you reconsider the break-up.
2) Start out the movie marathon with a nice glass of wine. Set the mood. Then, turn on your stereo or your MP3 player, and make sure that Wilson Phillips’ “Hold On,” is cued up in advance. Then sing along. Loudly. And pointedly. It sets the mood for the rest of the evening.
With the mood properly set, try out a few of these break-up gems:
500 Days of Summer: This one is nice and to the point: It says, “You’re a really great person that I like hanging out with. But I don’t love you. And I never will. I’m really sorry. Try to avoid a pointless, months-long downward spiral. I hope you find your Autumn. See ya!
Lars and the Real Girl: You may have to do a little massaging of the message post-movie, but this one basically says: “I’d rather be with an inflatable doll, darling. There’s a lot less hassle; fewer conversations; no presents; and the sex is surprisingly decent.”
Forgetting Sarah Marshall: Watch this one in the nude, and when it’s over, tell him or her that you really prefer “That ’70s Show” to “Veronica Mars.” Bonus points if you can tell him or her that you’d like to see other people using hand puppets.
High Fidelity: After the movie, turn to her and say that you’ve completed a list of your top five break-ups of all time, and that she is number one. She’ll be heartbroken, but flattered!
The Break-Up: This one says a couple of things: 1) I really don’t want to do the dishes. Who wants to the dishes, and 2) I’d like to break-up, but I can’t afford another place. Can we figure out some sort of arrangement where we both stay in the apartment/house?
Kissing Jessica Stein (Same-sex female partners only): This one says, “I’m sorry. I love you. I think we’re soul mates, I really do. I just wish you had a penis.”
Better off Dead: “Yes. You probably are. But I’ve found someone else (someone who can ski the K-12).” (After you’ve dumped him, if he asks for directions back home, tell him: “Go that way, really fast. If something gets in your way: Turn!”
Shallow Hal: After this movie is over, turn to your former loved one and say, “You know how Hal can see a person’s inner beauty? Well, I can’t. And you’ve really let yourself go. I think I’ll pass on the break-up sex.”
Unfaithful: Adrian Lyne’s adultery flick puts it bluntly, “I’ve been fucking Diane Lane, and she is fantastic!”
A Ryan Reynolds Marathon: This one says, “What are you trying to tell me, Dustin?”
Dancer in the Dark: Show her this movie, and she’ll be so emotionally devastated by the end of it, you breaking up with her will feel like the least of her problems!
War of the Roses & The Money Pit: These two movies send a very clear message: “I’m keeping the house, even if I have to kill you to do so.”
Closer: “See! See! See how much better it is to be alone and single?!”
Under the Tuscan Sun: Just in case she didn’t get the message about Unfaithful.
Gummo: Oh, don’t worry about it. She broke up with you about halfway through the movie.
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