Pajiba

Fuck Chuck

"It's better than bad, it's good!"

So...you're saying it's better than we expected?

The local paper also gave this one the expected bad review (they actually said the credits were the funniest part?) but they didn't say it so amusingly! Although now I have the Slinky song in my head...

Dane Cook only wishes he were as funny as a cartoon Chihuahua and his cat-life-partner.

Are you fucking kidding me about the Dan Fogler character? I feel repulsed just from your limited description.
Granted I knew this film would be bad, and I'm pretty sure I would feel dirty just being in an adjacent theatre...but the review could have done some real bashing instead of the short circus stuff. I'm just saying.

I'm going to wait for Alba's Ass to come out on HD DVD.

So, you're saying Saturday matinee, not the prime-timer tonight?

And at no extra cost to you, you get to leave the theater feeling icky, sticky, and wet, almost as though you'd been slimed by Fogler's seminal fluids!

Note: Loews actually does charge extra for this service.

"Yes! It walks downstairs, alone and in pairs, and it makes that slinkity sound. It's ass! It's ass! A marvelous ass! Everyone knows it's Al-ba!"

Marry me, Dustin!

According to imdb.com, we can look forward to the human cum-stain being in SIX MOVIES in 2008 (two of which are animated)!

I wish I was already drunk to make me forget.

Listen Dustin. With all due respect, Cook's voice is the voice of a new generation. My generation. Now if you will kindly help me unwedge my front wheel, I'll be on my way.

Isn't it great how Jessica Alba complains about the burden of her beauty, and she is SO tired of everyone focusing on her looks . . . but then she signs up for films like this?

Whatever, Jessica - your looks can't be a burden AND a meal ticket. Pick one, and shut the hell up.

"Misogyny, schisogyny"

I can't say it. I keep trying.

I know, AB! At first I bought into it (because I am a guy who finds her hot, duh), but now it is plainly obvious that she has absolutely no intention of removing herself from the river of crap she wades in. If anybody did give her a script that didn't have her in various states of undress, she would probably have an aneurysm.

a chance to ogle, stare, and hoot "hurt me, hurt me," while sitting next to your mom (that actually happened in the screening I attended).

Really? That is beyond pathetic and enters levels of disturbia. And that is just the mom.

Of course Alba wants to be taken seriously. I mean, what is she going to do when her looks fade... get a real job?

Thank you for the review, Dustin. I was so afraid that this movie would neglect to offend fat people as well as every other type of human on the planet but your review set my mind at ease...

Oh, fuck. I was eating a really ripe cantaloupe when I read the "seminal fluids" part. Ew. But I'm not blaming Dustin, but Fogler, for being so nasty as to inspire said language.

I can't stand movies like these, where the girl is "so sweet/endearing, but such an adorable klutz that you can't help but love her" type. Gag. Why can't she be a heartless bitch? Or sadistic? Something besides the usual.

Does Alba's character get hit by a bus, or fall down a well or something, y'know, due to her "adorable klutziness"? I'm willing to see it if there's something like that involved.

BTW, this is completely off-topic, but the posters for this movie threw me off. They're so...minimalist and calm. I was expecting some "Failure to Launch" crap. Seeing the posters and then hearing the plot... I don't know. It's weird.

Wow, Dustin, I will never be able to look at a Slinky the same way...nor a 275-pound blob of anthropomorphic ejaculate, for that matter....

Dane Cook has to be blowing somebody, I swear...

Up until a few months ago I had no opinion on Dane Cook. He was just this guy who did standup who was kind of popular but who I never really bothered to listen to. Then I saw the trailer (the original one, with the grotesque fat woman) and the poster where Chuck's getting head. Now I loathe Dane Cook, and want nothing more than for every project he touches to fail miserably - which happens quite often, apparently (Mr. Brooks, Employee of the Month, London etc). Hopefully this movie will join the list of flops.

Also, I take great comfort in the fact that Cook's probably not going to age well. He looks like he's going to get very...puffy.

i detest jessica alba, i don't know how to put it any plainer.

she is a vapid pool of disgrace to the art of acting...fuck...even to the art of shitty acting.

she's like the eva longoria of film, nothing but a lipstick smear on the screen that complains non stop of the injustices of being beautiful, all the while taking in millions and contributing nothing worthwhile to cinema.

and dane cook and dan folger, don't get me started. you know what? fuck this entire film.

now that i have let off all my steam i shall continue watching the lookout.

Says one Armani clad producer to another while sniffing coke:

"Jessica is our latest high-end product she can play anything, even, "nuculear scientific person" our target demo loves her..."*snort*

As a heterosexual male I can honestly say Alba doesn't do a thing for me. I understand she's pretty and has a nice body, but there's nothing behind her eyes. As soon as she opens her mouth she destroys any mystery about herself and becomes unbelievable in any role. She even managed to be completely sex-less in her role as a stripper in Sin City. It was like watching a 12-year old copy her older sister's too-raunchy-for-the-actual-dancefloor moves.

First of all, Jessica Alba will be taken seriously as an actress when she opts to take a role in a serious film where she is required to actually act. Until then, she's eye candy.

In twenty years, Dane Cook will be remembered as well as Steve Guttenberg is remembered today. That is to say, barely. He's the darling of Maxim subscribers and keg-standers everywhere, but it won't be enough to carry him for long, so he'd better cash in and bank that money until he's washed-up enough to get his own "reality" series, which will be four or five years from now or so.

I loved this review--this is not the kind of movie I would ever want to see and I personally find Jessica Alba less interesting as an actor, than say, Regis Philbin. I hope this movies opens big and then we can't watch it drop 85% the 2nd weekend.

The "human cum-stain " seems a bit harsh. I feel dirty just to have read it.

Dane Cook's success baffles me. I second the Steve Guttenburg comparison.

This review is genius.

This review was so disturbing but so funny at the same time I couldn't stop reading. But this movie, why? Seriously why?

you're all freaking fantastic...i was reading these reviews waiting for some schmuck to be like "oh you're just jealous b/c dane cook is so successful"

i can't stand the man...i can't stand jessica alba and this review was genius...the comments were equally as funny...."she is a vapid pool of disgrace to the art of acting...fuck...even to the art of shitty acting." hahhaha

Making fun of fat people and women isn't hateful. It's funny!

I feel bad for all those people who are going to see this POS over the weekend, fooled by the re-edited trailer and the new "How's he going to love such a clumsy girl???" marketing direction. Blurg.

This review, however, is one for the Best Of Pajiba page.

Come one, come all, to gather around and talk about how much you hate stuff. Congrats, you're every (apparently) successful modern comedian! Thanks, Pajiba!

iamawesome

The artist formerly known as You Are All Idiots? At least he learned to spell, but apparently still missed the reviews for Jesse James, Sydney White, and Elah. Cool comment.

I don't know I never hated Steve Guttenberg the way I hate Dane Cook. He could at least play his shtick with some humor, and at the very least he wasn't offensive (or maybe I'm just remembering the 80's wrong). My brother asked me if I wanted to see this movie yesterday and I told him I'd rather let the zombies from Resident Evil slowly tear the flesh off my body while I was awake and conscious.

Jessica Alba irritates me to no end. She's one of the biggest hypocrites I've seen in a long time. One interview she'll talk about how she's religious and that beauty is such a burden and the next moment she's a stripper in Sin City. Uhu. Yeah. Dane Cook is the worst comedian I've ever seen. I tried to watch his stand up shtick and got through maybe 2 minutes of it.

Great Review Dustin!

I shall devote this morning to learning how to interject "Douchelvania" and "douchetastic" into casual conversation.

I just don't get the appeal of Cook or Alba. The thought of seeing either one of them is akin to fingernails on a chalkboard for me. Ick.

Brilliant review, by the way.

Oh, Holy Night!
Will someone please PLEASE remind me to NOT be drinking ANYTHING while reading shite written by Dustin?!?
Now I have to clean off my keyboard and monitor.
AGAIN.
(I'll never be able to look at a slinky the same way.)

I, too, feel I must defend poor Steve Gutenberg against this unduly extreme kind of defamation. He at least was ONE pretty good movie ("Diner"), wheras this Dane Cook person has never been in anything, or done anything, even remotely good. And SG never, to my knowlegde, perpetrated any kind of "stand up comedy" act resulting in HBO specials, selling out stadiums and giving ex-frat boys and their mates reasons to congregate by the thousands. "Police Academy 4" pales in comparison.

So this is what knocked Jodie's revenge fantasy down to third place.

Yep and George Bush is still in office.

Figures

I'm not sure why they put Jessica Alba in movies, she was in a handful of TV shows that she did passably okay in because she looked good in tight outfits. Which would explain her leap into movies that exploit her for her "beauty". She seems full of it to be honest, the whole industry is now based on looks, not on talent. She should know this by now.

Everyone is going on like there is something wrong with Jessica Alba's ass. Not only is it lovely to gaze upon, but is possible proof that there may be a god.

Of course I love Jessica Biel too, so it's possible I'm biased by my callipygian lusts...

The Guttenberg has one thing Dane Cook will NEVER have: charming good looks. Cook resembles a stoned turtle.

I'd watch her watching paint dry. I'm sorry I can't help it, she's my pedestal girl. I'll even watch Dane Cook for 2 hours because of her - YOU HEAR THAT JESSICA, I'LL EVEN WATCH DANE 'MOTHERFUCKING' COOK FOR YOU!!!!

Okay, okay I recant my Guttenburg/Cook comparison. One DOES have to at least give Guttenburg a nod for his longevity. Yes he made shitty movies (Police Academy), lame movies (Zeus and Roxanne) and Cocoon 2 should NEVER have happened...... but the man still works and from what I understand he works hard and puts in the time (watch Jodie Foster's commentary on Home for the Holidays -- its nothing but love for Steve) C'mon, the man even starred with the Olsen Twins!

The last good thing Guttenberg was in was Veronica Mars. What was the last good thing Dane Cook was in? A hotel?

Jessica Alba is an absolute waste. I would love to look at her for hours, but as soon as she starts talking, I lose all interest. The reviewer who said that there is nothing behind her eyes is dead on. She should quit complaining about being cast for her looks since that is all she has going for her. And even her looks become less appealing when she starts to speak. Just look pretty, Jessica; there's nothing in your brain/soul that is the least bit interesting and you know it.

Say what you want about Alba's vapidness. I'd still go there.

I have still yet to see Dane motherfucking Cook in anything and this makes me very, very happy. I think I'll be keeping to the status quo on that one.

Also: Douchelvania - so my next holiday destination.

"So this is what knocked Jodie's revenge fantasy down to third place"

Posted by: Matt at September 23, 2007 7:49 PM

***********************************************
*screeching halt*

WHAT? Tell me that's your idea of a VERY cruel joke?

You've topped yourself. That's the best review I've ever read, except that now I'm going to have to take a hammer to my skull to rid myself of the "slinky" song.

"It's cute! Yes! It walks downstairs, alone and in pairs, and it makes that slinkity sound. It's ass! It's ass! A marvelous ass! Everyone knows it's Al-ba!"

*Snort, chortle! LMAO* Oh great. Now my co-worker thinks I'm having a conniption.

You know what? I deluded myself. I said, "Self, this movie may change my opinion of Dane Cook," because apparently, I was missing the link to connect me in the collective nationwide boner for this man. The trailers looked decently funny (the part where he's electrocuted by the car always made me laugh), I ignored the one or two fellatio posters that suddenly disappeared months before the movie was released, and I tried to keep a clear mind.

No. NO. Why why WHY do I keep subjecting myself to movies without reading Pajiba first?! Why?! WHY?! TELL ME. WHY?! I sat through this, and the only reason I laughed at anything was because my friend is of a simpler mind and his "oh shit this type of retarded stuff makes me almost self-asphyxiate" laugh is hilarious to watch and hear.

This movie had NO storyline at all, and I almost wish Judd Apatow did this movie. Hell, even the guy who did The Wedding Crashers, which had its own titties montage. This movie was obviously written in a room where there was too little oxygen, because you can tell the writers' brains exploded about halfway through the drafts. I can't even form a coherent question about anything that happened in the movie. My jaw was rolling around like I was on ecstasy, because my brain simply shut down during this movie. I kind of wish I was on E: facing away from the screen and humping my chair probably would've made everyone's ten dollars worth it.

Sunday, I went with my niece to see this horrible piece of trash film --

Waste of a good Sunday afternoon, fa sho!

OK...aside from the fact that Dane Cook is a fucking dickbag, you couldn't pay me to make my worst enemy watch this shit. OK...imdb.com is almost my friend, because I now know who wrote and who directed this shit. If someone can get me in contact with these 2 assholes, I'm rather positive I would beat the ever-loving fuck out of them. Let me make something clear. There is no more base attempt at humor than exploiting someone's weight as an attempt at humor, and from what I've seen in the previews, they do this at least 2 times in the movie...which means it prolly happen 4 times. I wonder if these fuckrags have ever known anyone who was obese. i wonder how many jokes they could crack if they were looking someone in the face. Example...BOTH of my parents are morbidly obese...through no fault of their own. My dad broke his right leg in 22 places in 1979. He had 12 screws and 4 plates inserted in his leg and was wheelchair bound, crutched, or cane limited for over a year...including when my mother was pregnant with me...when she gained around 60 lbs. ::Squirt! Bam!:: I was born. 3 weeks after I was born my parents left me with my grandparents for an evening alone. Leaving my grandparents' house, they were T-Boned at an intersection by a drunk driver. My dad's left hip, L5 and L6 vertebrae, left femur, tibia and fibula were all broken...the leg bones in multiple places. Their car was pushed through the intersection and impacted against an electircal pole. My mom had a broken right arm, dislocated right hip, broken fibula, and impact trauma to her back. Neither of my parents, both carrying a few extra pounds from preggers and previous injury, could walk for over 6 months. My mom couldn't pick up my sister or I for almost a year. To rehab their injuries they were on a combinations of multiple muscle relaxors and pain meds in ADDITION to a mild cycle of various steroids. If anyone knows anything...this is a bad combo. Relaxers/pain killers...slow metabolism to a crawl. Steroids give you an almost insatiable feeling of hunger within a couple of hours of taking the pill. Over the course of 2 years, both of my parents climbed to over 300 lbs. Because of the repeated trauma to my dad's legs, if he puts too much stress on his body he gets a recurring infection now in his blood known as cellulitis. Look it up. It's basically an extremely painful flu every 2 months or so. My mom now walks at a permanant angle of about 25 degress from her hip and back issues from the accident. Now...they are too OLD for their insurances to cover ANY kind of surgeries to assist...which they would gladly do just for their retirement year to be a little less painful.

So I ask these fucking assholes who made this movie, or any fucking asshole who's ever made a fat joke...what is your fucking malfunction? have you ever seen a grown man cry because he can't enjoy his granddaughter's playful energy? Have you ever seen your mother start crying in public because some fucking dickhead at the mall yells 'Hey fatass!' as he walks by? Fuck you both. Wow...you really have no idea the anger i feel right now. The pure hate. The fury that would easily snuff out both of your meaningless lives.

My parents are extremely healthy for fat people. Veggies and low fat meals at all times. Low sodium. Rarely EVER eat anything not home-cooked. Choloesteral and blood pressure levels are better than mine and I weigh 170. But hey...they're weight may be good for one thing. Since they have a hard time sitting in a fucking movie theater seat, we don't have to worry about them seeing your piece of shit.

Pray you never meet me in person Mark Helfrich and Josh Stolberg. Pray.

...but hey...Alba's ass is the best

this is my all-time favorite review. i have to go call my sister and read it to her now.

douchetastic: my new favorite word

What is the draw about Jessica Alba's ass? I go to FSU, and plenty of girls here have better booties than hers. Shit, I think I do too, and I know I'm not all that. It's a butt, for Christ's sake--you crap out of it. Where's my millions?

Well, if we're comparing booties, I'd say Jessica Biel's is far superior.

Pissboy - that story made me sad. I hate when people are mean to fat people, too. It's the cheapest of shots.

Thx SamT. Wow...I just read my own post and my grammar and spelling are total *SHITE* when I am angry. I kinda wish there was an 'edit' button somewhere. Bad grammar annoys me to no end.

Dane Cook isn't a dick bag. He's the anti-christ. He's proof positive that, if there is a god, he's a sadistic fuck who beats off with a brillo pad. I once made the mistake of watching the first five minutes of goddamnfuckingshitforemptyskullfuckingcumsmear's "comedy" routine, and for two weeks it was all I could do to fight off the urge to throw myself in front of a bus, out a tenth-floor window, or drink a gallon of bleach . . .

*breaths deep*

. . . anything to get to idea that a flesh-searing, soul-fucking Hell would be preferable to life on the same planet with that . . .

*words fail*

*hope disintegrates*

Aaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!

*head explodes*

*eternal bliss*

But I'd fuck Alba's ass if she bent over and said "pretty please".

(I'm not a mysogonist, but when a woman's ass is the one redeeming feature in a Dane Cook film, which otherwise might not have been made, well then fuck her. With her paycheck. In $1. Wadded up individually. Dry.

And no, I don't have anger issues. At least that's what my therapist says. But he may just be scared. I told him the gun wasn't loaded. Geesh.)

shouldn't it be misogyny, schmisogyny?

Yiddish speakers, back me up!

This movie was HORRIBLE

My impression when I saw the previews was that it was a family comedy.

So I watched it...

WITH MY FAMILY

Huge mistake.

I ended up stopping the movie about 20 min in.
I figured I can handle a few boob scenes.

>

This movie is not worth seeing, unless you enjoy watching other people have sex.

Or if you enjoy watching other people have sex, with your family and friends.

>

Its ridiculous what they can put on movies now a days.

The beginning of it shocked me beyond reason..
Those little kids, and that little girl, topless...

Absolutely out of this world..

Mark Helfrich

Josh Stolberg

Steve Glenn

Might as well be pedophiles or porn directors.

What a huge waste of money.

I hated this movie

Cannot say it enough.

Dane Cook, your not that good looking, you do not need a movie to boost your self esteem.
Pretty sure women will not sleep with you like that in the real world.

Jessica Alba, you could of done better.
Not a movie for such a pretty, young, talented woman as yourself.
Suprising you took the part...

Anyway, the only other thing this movie has to offer is the infamous fat Dan Fogler.
That dirty sick sad little man.
Horrible jokes, horrible lines.
Typical guy who never gets anything and wishes he did.

No one in the room laughed once during it.

Please people, keep young eyes AWAY from this movie.
And couples, do not watch it, watching your boyfriend get an erection during a movie...well its not somthing you want to expeirience.

I am off of my soap box now.
Let the critizing and judging begin.

This film was absolutely TERRIBLE. Based on the movie poster, I expected it to be a calm, funny, romantic comedy...but, ummm...let's think again. I watched it with a couple of my friends, and we did not laugh once at the lame jokes/lines. I was completely shocked and disgusted at the beginning of the movie, with the little twelve & thirteen year olds taking off their shirts. Who the heck thinks of that stuff? The plot was not that good at all--and I'm definitely NOT seeing it again. Just a tip: if you somehow want to see "Good Luck Chuck," don't see it with little kids...it's not teaching them good things and the movie poster and comercials are completely misleading. Again, I hated this movie.

I'm not going to get all angry like these
other comments--but I did NOT like this movie.
It was akwardly uncomfortable with my 13 year
old cousin...yeah definitely a waste of my time.