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Ranking Each 'Game of Thrones' Plotline From Best to Theon

By Brian Byrd | Game of Thrones | June 10, 2016 |


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Every week we’ll slot each Game of Thrones plotline into tiers from most to least interesting. These scientific, analytics-based rankings are 100 percent objective and cannot be disputed. Dissenters will be warned once and only once. Subsequent infractions will result in a 10-year-old putting her hand in your face. Enjoy.

The “Everyone Shut the Hell Up So I Can Hear This” Tier

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Bran

Last Week: Same

You think the old Three-Eyed Raven edited anything out of the historical visions he downloaded to Bran? Does Brandicap get everything, raw and uncut? Like, are there gratuitous tit shots in his flashbacks just like in the show? Oh wow there’s my dad fighting 2 Swordz and Leaf making the Night’s King and, uh…two extras licking mead off each other’s tits? It’s no coincidence the Three-Eyed Raven entombed himself in wood, is what I’m saying.

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The North/Bear Island

Last Week: Not ranked

Westeros’ hottest gay club is Bear Island. Given to House Mormont by Rodrik Stark (who won it in a wrestling match), this place has everything: waterfalls, pre-pubescent female leaders, a guy who stands in the corner looking menacing while his child-queen eviscerates recently resurrected emo bastards. And if you liked *300*, you’ll love *620*, visionary director *(citation still needed*) Zack Snyder’s highly anticipated follow-up about 62 warriors who fight with the ferocity of 10 times as many men.

Castleton already covered Lyanna Mormont’s dopeness in Monday’s recap. That said, the Internet has really shirked its responsibilities. How have we not bestowed upon her a killer nickname? Hmmm, let’s see. She’s 10 years old and leads a house with a bear sigil. May I suggest…Ursa Minor?

YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

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The Riverlands

Last Week: Not ranked

Did y’all catch the SKULL-SHATTERING EASTER EGG in this week’s episode? Ian McShane’s character, Brother Ray (which is what Cornell West calls Dan Aykroyd every time he sees him), appeared almost solely to reintroduce the Hound. For the uninitiated, McShane played profanity-spewing Al Swearengen on the adored HBO series, Deadwood. So where’s the easter egg, you ask? Well, Game of Thrones could have brought the Hound back in any number of ways. But the showrunners chose to have him appear carrying a giant tree on his shoulder. Hmmmm, what’s another way you could describe a shorn tree destined for the axe. DEAD WOOD, perhaps?!?! OHHHHHHHHHHH SHIT SON! THE THREE-EYED RAVEN GONNA NEED A FOURTH EYE TO COMPETE WITH ME!

From the moment McShane appeared onscreen it was clear he wasn’t making it through the episode alive, but he managed to deliver an affecting, important performance in roughly seven minutes of screentime.

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Riverrun

Last Week: Not ranked

No Old Person is a better Old Person than an Old Person Who DGAF. No one, not even a bisected born-again Westerosi virgin, gives fewer fucks than the Blackfish. Each holiday season his children ask the Jolly Red God for just one item: a fuck. Just one single solitary fuck from their beloved father. Is this the year our noble patriarch finally finds it in his heart to part with one of his hard-earned fucks? the little guppies whisper to one another. The answer is never yes. Because the Blackfish will take his fucks with him to the grave.

We’re gonna kill your cousin!

K.

We’re gonna storm the castle and kill everyone inside.

LOL nah.

Fine, we’ll wait you out!

Bitch, you think I look like a prepper by accident? We got food to last us two years and pallets of gold, which everyone knows will be much more valuable than water in the event society collapses. Take your 24-karat stump back across that bridge before I lose my motherfucking patience.

/saunters back inside while Kendrick’s “The Blacker the Berry” blasts in the background

The “Gonna Fold This Laundry Quick” Tier

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King’s Landing

Last week
: Same

The Queen of Thorns is the Westerosi Muhammad Ali: a beautiful black warrior poet with lightning-quick feet who took a principled stand against the Vietnam War before it was popular to do so. That comparison makes no sense whatsoever, you might be thinking. Well, that’s on you. It’s not my fault my sophisticated metaphors fly over your head like a raven in the night. For real, the QoT and the GOAT do share a few attributes. Namely, the ability to verbally disembowel their enemies in brutally efficient fashion. It’s not often someone can reduce Cersei to a leaky, quivering mess (unless Jaime finds her spot, cha feelin me, bro?), but Lady Olenna brought that Kelvin-scale heat this episode.

“Our two ancient houses face collapse because of you and your stupidity. I wonder if you’re the worst person I ever met. You’ve lost, Cersei. It’s the only joy I can find in all this misery.”

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“Damn, that’s over the line,” said Tupac Shakur when reached for comment at the Santa Monica theater where he works as a projectionist.

Thank God Margaery gave her grandmother a rose so she can stick around for another week. Really worried the producers would step in and make her keep Lancel.

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Arya

Last Week: Don’t Care

Really difficult to judge her plotline given its abrupt conclusion. Clearly Arya is up to something. She approached sailors for passage back to Westeros in a crowded market in broad daylight, without Needle, knowing full well Jaqen had dispatched the Waif to take her out. So she must have been trying to draw the Waif out. Not sure getting airholed by a septuagenarian was part of the plan, though. Castleton thinks the Arya we saw was actually Jaqen in a mask. He also believes Tom Brady had nothing to do with deflating football,s so assume that reading his theories will ensure you exceed your daily sodium allowance (Joanna’s is much more plausible). Regardless of how it shakes out, not having to spend time with the mummers or sit through scenes of Arya getting beat the fuck down by an Amish Bratz doll is enough to move her storyline off the bottom tier.

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Meereen (not featured)

Last Week: Same

Tyrion: “Hey, did you lock the door to the dragon vault?”

Varys: “I thought you did.”

Tyrion: “I’m sure it’s fine.”

/the smell of charred goat covers the city for years

The “DOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNTTTTT CAAAAAAAAAARE” Tier

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Theon and the Argonauts

Last Week: Folding Laundry

People need to grieve at their own pace. What’s that old chestnut about getting de-cocked by a sadist: it takes half the time your dick was attached to your body to get over the separation? So Theon Greyunich still has quite a few years to mourn the loss of his beloved member. But mopey characters rarely make for great television. NO ONE LIKES YOU, EEYORE! HAVE A DRINK AND A SMILE! So Yara telling her brother to pull his shit together while she goes to fuck the tits off a call girl (remember, she’s a call girl if she’s still alive) was a much needed time saver.

Dorne (not featured)

Last Week: Same

Choose your preferred insult from the options below:

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Dany (not featured)

Last Week: Same

You think Dany lets anyone else ride the dragon? And by that I mean use heroin.

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Sam and Gilly (not featured)

Last Week: Same

Sam: “Hold on Gilly, I need to go back.”

Gilly: “For another Chekov’s sword?”

Sam: “What? No. Bread. I need bread. Daddy dickhead didn’t give me any, remember?”

Gilly: “Do you really need bread, Sam? Your dad is a mean old sonofabitch, but he kinnnnnnnnnnda made a point about you not needing any more carbs. I mean, your BMI is approaching Terio levels.”

Sam: “I killed a White Walker.”

Gilly: “Yeah, well, Ser Dye from House Beetus is gonna return the favor if you keep this up. So grab some veggies and….lettuce get the hell outta here.”

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The “Wait, is this Motherfucker Still Rowing?” Tier

B

E

N

Gendry is still rowing

H

A

Z

I

Previous Week’s Rankings
Episode 5 — “The Door”
Episode 6 — “A Broken Man”


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