Pajiba

Not to knock the review, but Segal (in his prime,) would have been quite a match for Li, who is the only other one with actual training. Chan was trained in a theatrical style of martial arts. Li is wu-shu, but segal's aikdo is some real shit and he learned it from the masters.

I stand corrected, a bit. I'm obviously judging the guy a little too heavily on his retarded oeuvre and claims of telepathy. Is Van Damme OK to pick on?
-Phillip

Seriously?! Why the hell didn't anyone tell me this was happening?! Oh I'm soooo going to see this. Watching Jet Li fight is the equivalent of drinking heroin while shooting up vodka. I feel so high afterwards I want to kick everything in my way, puppies, old ladies, anything. Jackie Chan is alright, but he's too...acrobatic/circus-y for me. Li just looks like he was born with his foot up your ass.

This is a rental. It will have to be, so I can scream "shut up shut up shut up" at the 'pasty slab of dumbass' and then just cut right to the fighting. If they have any sense, they'll chapter cut at the beginning and the end of the fight scenes.

Joker, try earlier Jackie Chan if you haven't yet, like Drunken Master. The fight scene under the train car is sweet by pretty much any standards.

Seen it, twig. I was the crazy kid that tried to do all the Bruce Lee moves. (A very annoyed mother who didn't think she deserved to play nurse every goddamn day just because her idiot kid can't figure out that she's not a flippin' kung-fu master!) I just find Jet Li hotter...yup that's it. Also Chan looks goofy. Goofy != ass-kicking

I find myself wondering: why has Li lowered himself to this? Is he that hard up for money? At least I don't have to watch the stupid commercials anymore. Until it comes out on DVD, anyways.

i agree with( some guy )STEVEN SEAGAL would hurt these cupcakes BACK IN THE DAY!!

Now, this bums the hell out of me. I grew up with Jackie Chan. I was CALLED Jackie Chan in elementary school, for fuck's sake (first name is pronounced Jackie, and inner-city crack babies such as the ones I grew up with are not creative).

And then Jet Li's just fun to watch, dammit.

Why in the hell would they do this? Market it as a Jackie/Jet vehicle and then bitch-slap us in the theatre going "HA! YOU PAID FOR THIS! NOW WACTH THE WHITE KID!" I can see them twirling their moustaches and rubbing their hands together. Motherfucking fuckwits.

Seriously, wtf. Dash my hopes against the rocks, won't you. They didn't even include the kid in the trailers. They didn't outline a plot, either, but that's not the point.

Ergh. I'm probably still going to see it, but this seriously bothers me.

OK, are you Pajibites drawing straws to determine who gets to review "Made of Honour", or what? Man, I cannot wait to read that one!

There's a character in the movie named "Golden Sparrow," and for a second I got all excited. But then I thought, "Oh, no, that was Golden Swallow."

Why?
I heard/read somewhere that Chan and Li had wanted to do a movie together while they were both still able to do the complex physical stuff and since they aren't getting any younger, they got to it.

I'll watch it on cable in a year.

We was robbed! I don't know about the States but in Trinidad ALL the trailers for this film had NOTHING about Mr McPasty! My friends and I get all excited thinking "OOh Jackie Chan and Jet Li! This HAS to be some excellent shit!" Only to realise:

*SPOILER ALERT*

McPasty was the DAMNED STAR of the film! Karate Kid all over again but in Ancient China! From training session to wimpy ass love story! SHIT! He wasn't even in any of the trailers I saw! He massacred every scene he was in. Couldn't he have been edited out? It wasn't a bad story until he was stuck in with his paper thin physique and even thinner acting!

Soured my damn evening.

Sigh. I can't believe the "hero" is a white boy. None of the commercials said anything about Jet Li and Jackie Chan training a round eye. Why do movie makers assume that in order for white people (theoretically the people they assume they will make the most money from) to enjoy a movie the hero has to be a whitey? And if this was their thinking, why the hell wasn't McPasty (at first I totally typed that as McPastry...fried apple pies...) in the commercials? It makes no sense. I was really considering going to see this, but now that I know that my Jet and Jackie goodness will be diluted, I will save my meager dollars. Crimeny, I can't even remember the last time I went to the movies.
Now, I have nothing against white boys being the hero in movies, but I find it condescending as a white girl that it is assumed by film makers that I will not pay money to see a movie carried by actors outside my race. I like diversity dammit! Well, I guess my Masters of Kung Fu dvd set will have to quell my raging yellow fever.

I have never wanted a universal remote at a theater as much as when I saw this...Chan, Li, Yifei Liu, and Collin Chou are terrific without a doubt, but Michael Angarano and BingBing Li are HORRIBLE! Every time those two were on screen I had an overpowering urge to gouge out their eyes and skull fuck them until they promised to kill Rob Minkoff and John Fusco in the most painful ways possible.
Years ago Robert Halmi jr. produced another modern retelling of Journey to the West called The Lost Empire and starring Russell Wong, Bai Ling, and Nicholas Orton (as the caucasian in the mix). However that version pretty much rocked even as a Hallmark production, because they respected the source material and the characters felt true to the story (I have read the original in both the complete four volume Yu translation and as an abridged version in Mandarin.)
Homer'sThe Odyssey is pretty much the western world's version of Journey to the West and to show the latter so little respect as the writer and director of The Forgotten Kingdom did, is easily grounds for justifiable homicide, because if Halmi can get it right, a semi-trained sea cucumber should be able to.

Having caught it, I'll say this: Find a theater with kids or a screening with geeks. Otherwise, you won't likely get much out of it.

The filmmakers take the basic construct of "Journey to the West" and build this fantasy/action/family movie out of it featuring Li as the Monkey King and Chan as a drunken former monk. Oh and Pasty Honky as the central point of the story -- a prophesied seeker bearing the Monkey King's staff and on a quest for tasty Asian girls...

...no wait...it was a quest to carry two great action stars....

...no, no...it was a quest to bring the staff back to its rightful owner, the Monkey King.

Now consider that:

1. In one scene, Jet Li pisses on Jackie Chan.

2. Outside of Chan and Li every other soul in the cast is so wooden they qualify for "Hayden Christensen" status.

3. Li's depiction of the Monkey King can best be described as "punch-drunk shit-grinning idiot"

So is there anything redeeming? Jackie Chan actually carries this movie. It's forgotten a lot thanks to being too close to Chris Tucker, but Chan is extremely charismatic.

And of course, the fighting. Yeah, it's choreographed, wired-fu and slo-moed to hell, but to anyone who grew up with kung fu movies, it's a joy to watch.

So like I said, find geeks or kids and watch it with them. Their enjoyment will mask your brain finding flaws.

I'm just glad I sneaked into this, 'cuz I'd be hopping mad if I'd spent my hard-earned $14 on this shit.

Look, I Just want to know if the white boy was given his very own special kung fu name. I don't know, Cracker Jack maybe?

i've trained in several forms of martial arts, including aikido, kung fu, and tai chi. i have the utmost respect for it, but it is a non-competitive sport and techniques must always be performed just-so in order to be effective. anyone who has seen what Li is capable of just by looking at his body of work, especially Twin Warriors, knows that he could take Segal at any age. while not meaning to belittle Segal's skill at aikido, he cannot compete with a person of Li's calibre.

I don't know why, but I dared to hope that this film wasn't going to be "McPasty Power Hour (and a Half)". When I saw him in the trailer I figured he was supposed to be a doofy sidekick who they got stuck with. I mean, what filmmaker in their right mind would put fucking Jackie "it is a miracle my skeleton still functions" Chan and Jet "I know I said my style was more demonstrative, but seriously, I CAN beat your ass" Li and SECOND FUCKING BANANAS to the dork from Sky High?

I find myself wondering: why has Li lowered himself to this? Is he that hard up for money?

the_wakeful, I think this is stemming from his fateful decision to retire from those big bygone-era wuxia epics (like Hero). I don't think it is a money thing, I think he is slumming it, most for shits and giggles. Seriously though, he needs another Danny the Dog or something.

called The Lost Empire and starring Russell Wong, Bai Ling, and Nicholas Orton (as the caucasian in the mix).

Actually, the Caucasian was Thomas Gibson from Criminal Minds (and some other show I will not invoke). His character's name was Nicholas Orton. And yeah, for a TV production, it did rock.

Li's depiction of the Monkey King can best be described as "punch-drunk shit-grinning idiot"

It has been a while since I read the books but isn't that pretty much accurate, at least for the beginning? Monkey King was pretty goofy and I know he got wasted quite a few times.

I might sneak in to see Jet Li playing a "punch-drunk shit-grinning idiot", though.

I thought Li said Fearless was his last wuxia film, yes? Or does this one not count because of Whitey McCraker?
I wouldn't mind the white protagonist motif if the actor they picked actually had some grace and mimicked skill by the end of the movie, but it never looks convincing.

BFFredo is right. Aside from the chemistry of Li and Chan and the wonderful, wonderful choreography there is really no other reason to pay to see this film unless you just want to watch your fight scenes on the biggest scren possible.

Thank God I had a friend with me who just livened the whole shit up with his bitchy comments: 'Shit! Another Last fucking Samurai!'
'Yes! He leaves Ancient China still a virgin! Haaa!'

And then there was the stupid ass romance. The number of action flicks that self combusted because of that is countless. I'm telling you, the overly-shiny intro should have warned me.

I'm just greatful for the 'Dark Knight' trailer that came before. It gave me something to live for.

And you know what really pisses me off? I gave up a chance at hot sex for this. Bloody hell.

Clearly what this movie needed was Chow Yun-Fat. Although, to be fair, I say that about a lot of movies. I even like his name. Say it really fast like it's one word. Chowyunfat. See? Fun, isn't it?

He is my very own Asian Jason Statham. Perhaps this movie could have worked better with Statham in the "star" role if they wanted to go in that direction. People should call me next time they want to cast a movie.

Dammit! It's 'screen'.

Dude, when I saw the ad for this I thought it was a Scary Movie-style "parody" of the Crouching Danger Hiding Dragon genre. Silly me.

Good for him. But just saw him at ___S e e k i n g R i c h . c o m---last week. What is he looking for on that site.

Damn. I must be the only person in the world that saw McPasty in a trailer and knew exactly what was coming.

Not that I WON'T be seeing this on the weekend... I totally will.

But yeah, I knew McPasty was the 'star', Just like I know Jackie Chan has no idea why his American movies keep making him money and just like I know that when he's 80 Jet Li would STILL be able to whup my ass eight ways from Sunday.

Whoever thinks that pussy Seagal could ever have done any kind of damage amounting to anything more than a wet fart to Jet Li needs to have their genitals soldered shut.

Vermillion, I knew that the Monkey King was supposed to be a goofy, child-like trickster. It's just that watching Jet Li's take on it is a surprise.

I've had a lot of time to read Pajiba this past week, mainly because I have a new job I don't know how to do, so I visited quite often.
But I had to say this has been my absolute favorite review & commentary post this week, and I still can't stop laughing at all the great posts, too many to quote them all here. Great job, everyone, you made my day.

Vermillion, I feel like an idiot (more so then usual) for entering a character name instead of an actor. Thank you for the correction.

The one thing I really did surprise me was Jet Li being silly and smiling. Usually he is so damned serious, that it detracts from his character.

Spike, I also knew McPasty was the "star", but after having seen the afore mentioned Lost Empire, I was willing to give it and him a chance. Unfortunately McP has the charisma of a decrepit, shit-clogged, truck stop toilet unlike Mssr. Gibson who actually can act, and is not (visibly at least) brain-damaged...

Ok, I had to go on youtube and watch the trailer. Oi. I thought you were kidding with the McPasty, but holy ritz crackers! This was a marketing trick to get little white geeky virgin boys to think they can end up in a universe where Jet Li and Jackie Chan would fight to teach them kung fu. Oh and a hot Chinese girl who can kick their nuts into their mouths actually TALKS to them. And what's with the white-haired assassin girl? I like. I'm a sucker for white haired villains.

Sadly, the white-haired assassin girl is played by the talentless (but admittedly very hot) Li Bing Bing. Since they had already teamed Li and Chan for this film, they should have gone the extra li and gotten the original Bride with White Hair, Brigitte Lin Ching Hsia, to play it.

@Some Guy

That was just a load of crap.

While Chan has had formal training in the Hong Kong Opera style wushu, that isn't the only practice he's had. The dude has had to remove people's teeth from his fist from back alley brawls in his youth.

And for Jet Li, well, his formal training has been in government approved official modern wushu, also called sport wushu, because of it being a sport instead of a "real" martial art. He did grab a shitload of medals in non-sparring competitions, but AFAIK never even competed in Sanda.

As for Seagal, he does have a high rank in Aikido. Too bad Aikido is pure bullshit which doesn't really apply in a fight. It's like the homeopathy of martial arts. Which is probably why Seagal ran home after Van Damme got tired of his taunting.

Neither of the Chinese stars have had formal training in actual fight related martial arts. But of these two, Chan would - in his prime - easily best Li or Seagal in their. And I would have to say that even Li would probably put the smackdown on Steven.

Sounds like great fodder for Kung Pow: Enter the Fist 2.. or 3.. or whatever they're up to these days

Damn it, I was hoping this would be good.

I like Karate. And Chinese food. Mr. Chan also saved my life when I was twenty six. I will be seeing this movie. Front row, tears pouring freely...

That's right, Hakobus, that's right.

Seagal is a lumbering chowderhead who simply MUST have married some financier's daughter or SOMETHING to account for this man's career. I can't figure it out!? Frankly this has hit upon one of those minute issues that makes me utterly INSANE!!! How is this man a Hollywood star? His physique? NO. His skillz? NO. His incredible acting range? NO, I say, NO to this and all that may follow.

...um. I fucking snapped right there. You saw it.

...um, Jet Li is enough of a draw and I'm used to suspension of disbelief...it can be most wonderful ...love Kung Fu Hustle, Shaolin Soccer, Hard Boiled...

Well at least you guys can't say you were'nt warned. Several times. Vehemently. When you go to see a movie starring Jet Li and Jackie Chan and can barely see either of them for at least the first 20 minutes, have to put up with a pretty damn predictable storyline (I don't mind them generally, but dammit, must it be this ridiculous?)AND a scrawny, no talent dude as the hero, you may wind up using some very interesting adjectives.

I'm telling you, without the dead weight the film would have been pretty damn interesting. If the love story was between Li and Sparrow (can't recall name), or Chan and Sparrow, or make it a damn love triangle, I would have been amused like hell! THAT woulda be action! Or maybe, you, for the sake of originality, maybe the actual original tale could have been followed? Sigh.

Hakobus I can't say I completely agree or disagree with your comments about aikido. As a delinquent student of that particular martial art (don't laugh too loudly) I KNOW that it can seem pretty damn wussy and fraudulent. But that depends on which style of aikido is being practised. The originator of aikido, Ueshiba DID a lot of damage to many well past his seventies.

However, there was a bit of a divide within the aikido community after his death and one of his main students Tomiki left to open his own dojo. Can't recall too much of the details, like I said I'm a delinquent. The fact remains that there are at least two main schools of thought and style withi aikido and the practice and the effect of each varies. You may get some that LOOK like they can damage you without touching you and then there are those e.g the Shodokan, that CAN damage you.

That's what happens when a lot of what the founder did gets a bit watered down in the translation or just misunderstood. I'm done rambling.

Hopefully I won't offend anyone with my comments. As a fan of Jet Li I've enjoyed his movies, but to hook up with that Chinamen Jackie Chan was a total wastes. The next time that Chinamen Jackie Chan speaks coherent, it will be the fist time. I hope the next time Chan makes a movie he will do the honorable thing and have it subtitled. As an American citizen I should be able to go to the movies and not have a foreigner butcher the language.

God Damn Pookie!! I just nosered a latte with that comment...

When my husband said he wanted to see this movie, I was extremely excited at first. Jet Li and Jackie Chan? Hell yeah, I'm there.

Then the movie started...

You know, usually it at least takes until half way through a movie before I lose all hope of seeing anything quality, but I knew within the first five minutes that this was not the movie I had paid to see.

God Damn Pookie!! I just nosered a latte with that comment...

That's not all Pookie does. If it's not getting drinks spit on computer screens or up the nose, its hoity toity bs that makes no sense and/or causes a volcanic reaction from commenters.

Good for him. But just saw him at ___S e e k i n g R i c h . c o m---last week. What is he looking for on that site.

I believe he was looking for the TV Whore.

Pookie-Huh? I thought that Chan's English was excellent-I actually had a hard time comprehending Li's (and I'm 1/2 Chinese).

I KNEW that they would throw in a stupid gwai-loh and yet dragged my friend to see it-why? Because of Li and Chan.

I came to realize that the tales that I have read as a kid were translated into a kid's movie.

You can't fault the two for appearing in this...every now and then you don't want to strain yourself or have to do too much work. It's understandable that they would slum it every now and then...even the best do it. At least they're not making 88 Minutes...

Forget what Jackie Chan and Jet Li are doing in this movie. What I want to know is what Lucius (motherfucking) Vorenus is doing in that romantic comedy with goddamn Patrick Dempsey!?

Are you saying "Made of Honor" had a trailer before "Forbidden Kingdom"? That's just confusing, rather than kind of depressing like when watching commercials on the History Channel and discovering you're apparently both elderly and have herpes.

I'd never heard of "gwai loh" before. I like how many words there are for "honky" around the world. My favorite's probably "goy".

But unlike Segal, Li didn't go overweight and all spiritual mumble jumble. We're talking about the now, gentlemen...Now being that Segal would get his ass handed to him.

Bond, I would take issue with your assertion that Segal would get his ass handed to him. Although Segal is overweight do not let that be your reasoning for Li beating Segal. Having studied Brazilian Jujitsu for a time, I think Segal has it mentally where it all counts, at least as far as Martial Arts is concerned.

I really like Jet Li and think he is smoking hot. So when I say this it is with sadness,but the probable reason he is still doing actiony flicks is he doesn't have much acting chops, at least when he is speaking English anyway.

I don't know if you guys know just how hilarious this movie is to people who speak Mandarin. The direct translations of many Chinese idioms to English was clunky and just...well, funny as hell. The dialog and storyline was insane and total batshit, but I must say the action was great. Apparently Li and Chan fought so fast and so well-coordinated that the director and cameraman had to tell them to slow down, because the cameras couldn't catch their movements.

And as an aside, the American guy's surname is clumsy homage to the monk to whom Sun Wukong was bonded - Tripitaka.