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Big Momma in the Hizzouse!!!

Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins / Holland Oates, Amazon.com Starred Reviewer

Film Reviews | February 12, 2008 | Comments (131)

Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins was the funniest movie I’ve ever seen. I give it four thumbs up. I’d give it more if I had more thumbs! I seriously laughed my astrodynamics off! Not only was this a super funny movie, but it was also a grate story and the chemistry between Martin and Lucinda (Nicole Ari Parker) was awesome. Martin Lawrence is THE MAN! If you don’t LOVE Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins then lighten up! You suck and no one wants to be around you anyway. With all that pretentous stuff in theaters these days, this movie is a BREATH OF FRESH AIR! I’ve watched many comedies in my lifetime and this is one of the few I laughed out loud many times. If you were a stranged from any or ALL of your family members, or if you ever had an argument with a luved one, or even if if you enver had any problems in your family, watching this movie might even change a bit of your perception and attitude towards family life. And if your family is in perfect shape, this movie will truly enforce it! Comedies like Rosco Jenkins and The Pacifier r few and far between. If you want to fill the usual immorality-filled comedy, there’s lots out there. (Have u seen Juno! What a despicible movie!) However, if you still believe in fighting for your brothers, sisters and parents in a world where the value of families is eroding. WATCH THIS TODAY. Reality is completely out the window on this one so don’t expect anything that requires an IQ over 60. Just go with the flow, there is worst out there and this movie doesn’t try to pass itself off as being a smart movie. And that’s why I LOVED it so MUCH!!!

The best part about Roscoe Jenkins, first of all, is just how FUNNY it is. If youre the kind to laugh at everithing then this is a good movie. The action starts slow and can be boring, I was like where is big momma? But it became good after a while. I was laughing most the time and can’t wait for it to be out on dvd. i’ll definitely buy it to watch it over and over again. Let me just be the first to say, tho, that I was skeptical at first cause my wife made me go see it and we hardly ever like the same movie. But Roscoe Jenkins has something in it for everbody. It’s got kissing. And Bianca ,who plays a former winner on “Survivor,” is first of all: HOT! Second of all, she’s HOT! And third of all, she is SMOKIN! Did I mention she was H.O.T.T.?

The movie was about this guy played by Martin Lawrence who is like Dr. Phill and Oprah and Jerry Sp[ringer all roled into one. He is the host of a show thats based on a book he wrote, “ALL ABOUT ME!” Rosco and Bianca (the HOTT one) are about to get married, but first they hafta go back to see Roscoe family, because its his parents 50th anniversary and he hasn’t seen them in 9 years and Roscoe’s son wants to meet his grandparents. And Rosco is still in LUV with his high scool sweetheart who Cedric the Entertainer stole away from him in a obstacle course race when they were just kidz.

They got to Atlanta for the weekend with the dog fiffi, who ends up having s*x with a big dog, but she’s on top and it’s hilarious, especially the part where one of the actors (Mike Epps) says, “he had her in the hole that stinks, not the hole that winks!” it took me about three minutes to get it, but that guy brings the funny! He should be in a hole lot more movies like this one.

Anyway, it ain’t all candies and roses back in Atlanta cause Roscoe is all rich and stuff and he don’t get along with his family cause his dad doesn’t want a 50 inch plasma TV (I’ll take it!). And stuff is pretty rocky at first, esp. when Roscoe hits his momma in a head with a softball during a softball game and gave her a big “titty on her forehead.” And then Mo’Nique gets in a fist fight with Martin and gives HIM a titty on HIS forehead. I am seriously laughing OUT LOUD right now just thinking about it. After that, tho, Martin realizes that Bianca, whose obsessed with “Survivor” just wants him for his money and stuff and Martin gets back with his old flame and then there is this really big speech where James Earl Jones, who plays Roscoe’s Dad, takes him back and accepts him for who he is, and it’s really uplifting. And then there is this Whitney Houston song that comes on at the dance at the end of the movie and me and my friends were all singing along with it and it was HILARIOUS!!!!

Usually, I don’t LOVE Martin Lawrence that much. He always was like a poor man’s Eddie Murphy to me. But he has his own sense of humor, so don’t playa hate. But sometimes I find his sense of humor to be really anti-white, which is there’s just too much of it in the world right now, you know! But this movie is really light hearted and all around fun. Of course its not Shakespeare, but they don’t have to all be — a movie doesn’t have to be perfect to be an enjoyable experience. All we want is funny. Not every movie has to be Oscar worthy, and this one hits it out of the park. BIG TIME!This is probably Martin’s funniest film in a long time. No one could stop laughing at the sold out theater I saw it at. Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins is just a good clean fun movie for the whole family, though there were some parts that probably aren’t good for really little kids, but they probably won’t understand it anyway (I don’t know why they have to use such bad language, however, even though its funny there’s better ways of saying it. That’s all I’m saying).

So if you want a good laugh or five, you HAVE to see this movie. It really delivers in the laughter department. If you are into comedies, this is a must see film!!! I highly recommend it and give it my highest rating: 11 out of 10! LOL!

Holland Oates lives in Pennsyltucky, Pennsylvania. He bleeds E-A-G-L-E-S green. He has been an Amazon.com reviewer for three years and has written over 150 reviews. He would like to say hello to his wife and, if Megan Fox is reading this, CALL ME. Seacrest Out.


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Comments

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Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at February 12, 2008 2:46 PM

"Holland Oates"...genius! The whole thing...fucking genius.

Posted by: Case at February 12, 2008 2:50 PM

This review could have been written by a number of members in my extended family.

...Uncle Jack?

Posted by: Julie at February 12, 2008 2:50 PM

BAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
(head explodes)

Posted by: Dangle McGee at February 12, 2008 2:51 PM

This is both pitiful and hilarious. I like how sex is spelled out as s*x, but titty isn't censored.

Posted by: Brie at February 12, 2008 2:53 PM

I wanna make out with you Holland. Your review was a true zippercrasher...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at February 12, 2008 2:53 PM

I think I vomited a little in my mouth.

Posted by: Jim at February 12, 2008 2:54 PM

Who would win in a fight, Dayman or Nightman?

Great Always Sunny Reference.

Though, I think I've seen this almost exact same review on the site at some other point. Is this a comment on our society? or a comment on Reviewer laziness?

Posted by: wrighteous1 at February 12, 2008 2:55 PM

The sad part is....if you were to stand outside the theatre when the first showing of this let out...I bet you'd hear the same things.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at February 12, 2008 2:57 PM

...and it's called Driveway!

Posted by: roXet at February 12, 2008 2:57 PM

What's most depressing (not to mention gut-punchingly ironic) is that it probably took the author hours to tease this thing up to this level of verisimilitude, in contrast to the ten minutes it takes an actual Amazon reviewer to shit out this type of nonsense.

He should be in a hole lot more movies like this one.

Is that the winker or the stinker?

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at February 12, 2008 3:10 PM

This review evokes nothing so strongly for me as a recent game of Scrabble I played online. It was against some random guy, who insisted on sending me inane chat messages the whole time. I was answering his questions to be polite, and to have a friendly game, but then the guy said, "I bet you're notty (sic)." I assumed he meant "naughty", and chose to ignore the comment. He changed the subject, and so we chatted idly again while playing, but several times proceeded to call me "notty". Finally, as the game ended, I sent a parting note: "If you think I'm NAUGHTY then say so, douchebag! What the hell are you doing playing Scrabulous anyway?!" And then I left. I think his name was Holland Oates.

Posted by: b at February 12, 2008 3:12 PM

This was an amazing review. I especially liked the, "If you're the kind to laugh at everything, then this is a good movie." No idea why, but I did actually laugh out loud at my desk.

Posted by: HJ at February 12, 2008 3:16 PM

b, I sincerely hope your Scrabble-dude wasn't trying to say you were the opposite of a HOTTIE. Because if that catches on as an insult, I'll want to scrub out my skull with a wire brush.

Posted by: Mandacat at February 12, 2008 3:17 PM

socalled:

I was thinking the exact same thing; it's hard to write poorly on purpose.

Posted by: pinkcheese at February 12, 2008 3:17 PM

LOL!!***

***Commenter actually did laugh out loud while reading this review and is not subject to punishment by the internet authorities.

Posted by: Zanna at February 12, 2008 3:18 PM

Haha, Mandacat, no - sadly it was painfully clear that he expected some cyber-scrabble-boning. :S

Posted by: b at February 12, 2008 3:20 PM

this review makes my heart swell with happy. taste my happy pajiba, taste my happy!

Posted by: maggie at February 12, 2008 3:23 PM

Now I'm picturing having sex on an actual Scrabble board...that's a lot of tiny square imprints to be had.

Posted by: Julie at February 12, 2008 3:23 PM

Thanx Zanna. I did indeed audibly chuckle during much of this review. I initially typed LOL, but keeping the (Sh)it List in mind, I decided to err on the side of caution.

Posted by: HJ at February 12, 2008 3:28 PM

Now I'm picturing having sex on an actual Scrabble board...that's a lot of tiny square imprints to be had.

Damnit...now I can't get that image out of my head...

"Oh honey...oh baby...hold on, I got a K stuck inside..."

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at February 12, 2008 3:29 PM

After this glowing review, I'll have to see this movie. I'm always in the mood for a good laugh or five!

Posted by: Kamakaze Feminist at February 12, 2008 3:31 PM

Hee!

"Dammit, that's not how you spell fellatio!"

Posted by: Julie at February 12, 2008 3:32 PM

I live in Atlanta, and all this past week some local radio stations have been pimping Mike Epps like he's the second coming of Redd Fox.

Although he is just as unfunny on the radio as he is in movies, he does seem like a nice guy, and I really feel bad that he seems to whole-heartedly believe that his career is a credit to African-American comedians everywhere.

And damn, why are so many movies about country black people set in Atlanta lately? I blame Tyler Perry...

Posted by: courtney at February 12, 2008 3:36 PM

Courtney, as bad as his movies are, I do think that Mike Epps has a spoonful (or another small measure) of talent, as I saw in Something New. When he's not playing an idiot/slapstick/both, then he has a decent, wry sense of humor.

Posted by: Brie at February 12, 2008 3:43 PM

I'm guessing this is the TV Whore's work.

Posted by: Handel at February 12, 2008 3:47 PM

Wait...I don't understand, was this movie any good or not?

Posted by: Clairy at February 12, 2008 3:49 PM

Brie:

You're right. I really enjoyed "Something New", and I completely forgot that Epps was good in it. It goes to show how much a bad movie can wipe out the memories of the good. I won't badmouth Day-Day again without taking a close look at his profile.

Posted by: courtney at February 12, 2008 3:52 PM

"Now I'm picturing having sex on an actual Scrabble board...that's a lot of tiny square imprints to be had."

Now I'M picturing a bare butt with little wooden squares stuck to it, like when I was little and would lick quarters to stick them to me forehead-- just me?

Also, the "Seacrest out" at the end of the review made it. I will never understand how that caught on, and it makes me laugh uncomfortably every time.

Posted by: artificialsweet at February 12, 2008 4:02 PM

*my forehead

Posted by: artificialsweet at February 12, 2008 4:03 PM

who else gets the "Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia" reference? just me?

Posted by: Suzette at February 12, 2008 4:13 PM

I would totally love to share some SoCo with you, Holland Oates. Unfortunately, I'm not yet of legal age, but somehow I doubt you'd be overly concerned about that. If you are, I guess we can just stick to Mountain Dew.

This movie looks magnificent. Black people being sassy! Will it ever get old?

Posted by: marebear at February 12, 2008 4:16 PM

WOOO!! Have I been waiting to unload on this stillborn child of a film! First off...let me say Martin Lawrence is in fact the new Eddie Murphy, except if Eddie Murphy sucked more, was more unfunny, and took some sort of blunt force trauma to his brain stem. But at least then Martin gets to use the fat crayons like all the other special people right? So yeah...fuck this guy! So people who have problems when someone talks about sterotypes...get the fuck out now cuz you'll probably read what I'm typing the wrong goddamn way. Shall we begin.... GOOD! :)

Kudos to Marin Lawrence, Tyler Perry, Monique, Mike Epps, Cedric, and yes...even YOU James Earl and Michael Clarke (you 2 especially!) for doing EVERYTHING in your powers to further stupify and propogate the image of the stereotypical Black American family. (And i will use the term 'black' simply because i have a lot to type and because I am sick and tired of the over pussification and pc'ing of EVERYTHING). So...back to my attempt at a point...

Could this movie have a worse name? With the way the trailor is cut together and the 'humor' shown therein, why not just name this piece of shit 'Welcome Home Blacky McBlackerson'?! Roscoe Jenkins....I get it. He's country. He's black. Why not name him Jenkins?! It's funny!! So is his family! I'm pointing, now at you writer/director Malcolm D. Lee. This movie screams of 'comic/racial' exploitation. Grow a fucking sack a do something. Any one-trick pony (read: Eddie Griffin) could have helmed this shite. You worked on Malcolm X dude!! (granted only as a PA and post-prod PA) WTF!! You're writing a movie about the Rucker Leagues!! This movie casts you as no better than the '4 of 7 writers who one time saw one of the scary movie movies and thought it would be fun to make fun of all the other ones.' And why???

Monique...wow...she usses a pumice stone on her corn on the kitchen table. Cuz that's funny!!! And EVERY black family has THAT relative who does crazy shit like that. Nice touch on the huge earrings, leopard print, and truck-stop-whorish levels of eye make-up. GodforfuckingBID you portray a black woman in a positive, fashioned way. There are already enough role models right? Monique continues to play Monique. ...awesome. Guess what. Tickling is fun cuz tickling is fun, but after a few minutes too long, it's fucking painful and annoying. Better do something soon Monique...or you'll be 'Monique' the rest of your mother-fucking life. That would be cool if you were Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor, or 1980's Eddie Murphy 'funny'...but you're not. You're 'Lenny from Superman IV', Richard Karn, and post-1995 Eddie Murphy funny. Somewhere, Whoopi Goldberg's missing eyebrows are weeping trying to figure out how to load a gun.

Mike Epps...he's the shady, petty criminal. I get it! He's funny! Cuz every black family has one! Why not?! Mike...sir...sure, this movie is a guaranteed pay day, but fuck man...your resume has been busy enough over the last few years. You're fairly young and have a great look and you showed me something in "Something New." It was an ACTUAL sense of humor. Choosy moms choose Jiff, so choose your ass a decent script and show me something.

James Earl Jones stick to your Verizon commercials. Michael Clarke Duncan eat your Quiznos. And how dare you sully your respectable visages by helping someone line their pockets.

And finally Martin Fucking Lawrence. I said it a few weeks ago that funny = 'How many times can you get hit in the balls?'. I counted 2 times in the trailor alone. Aside from getting a titty punched into your shit-filled head, those were probably the 'funniest' spots in the movie. Welcome sir. Welcome to never doing a good movie again. I can't WAIT for College Road Trip. There's 2 movies in a row there, so I'm sure I will need a hand clicker to count the total 'Awwwww hhhheeeeeeelllllllllll naaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwww's' you blurt out of your inflated, big-eared, hollywood cock holster.

The trailor i saw before Sweeny Todd a few months ago was enough to show me WHY I hate you and your films. You represent everything opposite of funny. I would rather have a pilonidal cyst oozing into my asscrack in the middle of church than give you 9 dollars or my money. This movie, norbit, madaea's angry whatever whatever, undercover brother, black knight are all nothing but pure exploitation, worse that any 'Soul Cinema' or 'Blacksploitation' film from the 70's. Hell, at least THEY had some positive characters to get behind cuz Black Belt Jones could kick some fucking ass, and avenged Poppa Byrd!

Posted by: PissBoy at February 12, 2008 4:16 PM

"Somewhere, Whoopi Goldberg's missing eyebrows are weeping trying to figure out how to load a gun."

Tears. Streaming down my face. Pissboy, were you saving up all of your rancorous energy just for this movie?

Posted by: Julie at February 12, 2008 4:24 PM

Believe me, Courtney, I do understand your point. :) One decent movie does not cancel out a career of suck. And Mike's has sucked for a LONG time. Honeymooners, Friday 2, 3, 4-12, How High, All About the Benjamins....the list goes on. But he might have potential if he were in a better film.

Posted by: Brie at February 12, 2008 4:26 PM

PissBoy..shhh, it's ganna be okay. Just close your eyes and don't look at the bad manchild on the big screen. Just don't look.

Posted by: marty at February 12, 2008 4:31 PM

PissBoy, if I weren't straight, I would give you a kiss. That was fan-fuckin-tastic. Such hate and explicit...hate! You are a master of your craft.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at February 12, 2008 4:31 PM

Julie...in a word. Yes. And in a couple words... Fuck yes. And in a few words... mother fucking yes. Fuck this guy. I hope he rots where Eddie Murphy used to shit.

Posted by: PissBoy at February 12, 2008 4:35 PM

Just...can't...finish...readi- **Aneurysm bursts, slumps forward onto keyboard**

Posted by: Nate at February 12, 2008 4:38 PM

OMG - What's up with spoiling the ending!?

Posted by: LB at February 12, 2008 4:38 PM

I say this as a person with many family members from the Steel City and environs: aren't most folk from Pennsyltucky Stiller fans?

Also, I've used the word "Pennsyltucky" for years now, but Pajiba's the first place I've seen it outside of the quiz bowl circles where I picked it up. Pennsyltucky! So useful!

Posted by: bristlesage at February 12, 2008 4:44 PM

Oh, PissBoy, how I love thee. Let me count the ways...

Posted by: Minty at February 12, 2008 4:44 PM

Ha! Martin Lawrence would be smart to stay away from the tri-state area.

Although he did make one noteworthy contribution to film...without him and syphilitic Bad Boys II, we would not have the awesomeness that is Hot Fuzz.

Posted by: Julie at February 12, 2008 4:49 PM

Meh. I think Holland totally Juno'd the language. Not very convincing- the kind of people who write like that don't use words like "despicible," regardless of spelling.

It just smacked of effort.

P.S. Ethnic name? Roscoe Jenkins. I'll never see this movie.

Posted by: that bees chick at February 12, 2008 4:49 PM

February 12, 2008

4:52 EST

TK's soul dries up, flutters away like dead leaves.

If this wasn't so painful, it would be brilliant.

Posted by: TK at February 12, 2008 4:52 PM

Slightly OT (but tangentially related as Martin Lawrence is also in it) Yesterday, when hanging out with my new(ish) boyfriend and his two friends (one of which was also my boss), we all decided to watch a movie. Much to my happy happy excitement, they picked Wild Hogs to put on because I hadn't seen it. I had managed to avoid it up until this point and considered myself better for it. *sigh*
The funniest part of that movie was watching Mr. Macy and picturing Jon Stewart doing the Filliam H Muffman bit. The hurtiest part was smiling and nodding while all of them kept going on about how Travolta was really funny and some other stuff that I have blocked out.
So, yeah... I am really happy to have a forum of awesome people that feel my pain on this one cause, wow that sucked hard core... I really hope that this isn't a harbinger of things to come :(

Posted by: Zanna at February 12, 2008 4:53 PM

Brie, PissBoy, all...

I recall Mike Epps explaining that his philosophy in Hollywood was to try and remove himself from all the bullshit seduction of fame. Maybe he can't find a good role for an unproven black comedian (a la, Dave Chappelle when he was making shit like "You've Got Mail")? It just doesn't seem plausible that after having made a smart, sweet (although flawed-could the white guy have been more underwritten?) black comedy like "Something New" he's satisfied with playing second fiddle to someone as unfunny as Martin Lawrence. Somebody get Cuba Gooding, Jr. on the phone to explain just how fast this shit gets out of control before it's too late.

Posted by: courtney at February 12, 2008 4:59 PM

Zanna - get out while you still can.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at February 12, 2008 5:00 PM

Listen to Shadows, Zanna. As you are now, so once was I - happy to find great reviews, brilliant, well-written humor, and an educated atmosphere not found in other comment sections.

Yesterday I suggested doodling a demon sharting brain-dead sperm into a wonk-eyed dumpster.

This place changes you...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at February 12, 2008 5:31 PM

Oh lawdy, I hate to admit this, especially to you good folks here, but they say confession is good for the soul, blabbity blabbity... I did bray out loud at the "You got picnic table pants on." line when I saw it in the trailer.

So do I have to say like 50 Hail Marys or something?

Posted by: Alabamapink at February 12, 2008 5:47 PM

The conjuration of mental imagery flies thick and fast here. I've got to learn that it isn't necessary to imagine everything.

This place changes you...

Well, it is said that a man cannot step into the same river twice. Especially if it's not water.

Posted by: Gib at February 12, 2008 5:47 PM

Now granted, I don't like pretentious films, but Mr. Oates' love for the reviewed sack of crap disturbs me.

Posted by: Adam C at February 12, 2008 6:26 PM

This review works much better if you read it with Britney Spears' voice. The high-pitched, Southern drawl. Not the fake Cockney accent.

Posted by: JP at February 12, 2008 7:10 PM

I'd hit it.

Posted by: Kris at February 12, 2008 7:26 PM

What if you're trying to scrub that voice out of your head with a steel wire brush and bleach?

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at February 12, 2008 7:30 PM

Zanna ... I'm available. Slowly slip a knife in between dudeman's left kidney and his spine, sideways, and then slowly lift. It will be quick, painless, and best of all he will be unable to scream because you will pierce his lung. I am available and would never subject you to Wild Hogs. Get out. Get out while you still can.

Posted by: PissBoy at February 12, 2008 7:33 PM

Because nothing says "good catch" like a man who gives you stabbing tips. That's a guy you take home to momma.

Posted by: TK at February 12, 2008 7:36 PM

Of course I'm a catch. What else would I be? I mean aside from a sociopathic cinefile which, I take it is the assumption. I mean, we can poll the comment stream. Shit...ask Julie. We've hung out. Apart from my glowing sock and my inability to travel more than 750 feet from my front door between the hours of 6pm and 6am, I bet she says I'm a riot!

Posted by: PissBoy at February 12, 2008 7:41 PM

This movie sounds first of all: SHIT! Second of all, it's SHIT! And third of all, it is STEAMING! Did I mention it sounds S.H.I.T.?

Posted by: Dexter Morgan at February 12, 2008 7:43 PM

Whatever, Stabby.

Posted by: TK at February 12, 2008 7:47 PM

No! I swear! :) I'll even swear on the bible. I've had to do that before a few times anyhow!

Posted by: PissBoy at February 12, 2008 7:48 PM

wait...I don't get it. Is that a real review from Amazon or did Dustin/Daniel/et al. write an entire review from this perspective? If its the former: hilarious. If the latter: pure, unadulterated genius.

Posted by: the_wakeful at February 12, 2008 7:52 PM

This was just an amalgam of reviews off Facebook's Flixster app, right?

(If not - GENIUS.)

Posted by: Ashers at February 12, 2008 8:03 PM

Zanna, I've always found a good, solid push from the top of a flight of stairs works relatively well. Should the push only result in broken bones and punctured gooey bits, the pusher simply descends about halway down the flight of steps, jumps and lands on the pushee. Should this approa... waitasec...

"Pushee" HA! Sounds like Sean Connery slangin' lady parts. Go on, say it... Fuckin' heehawlicious!

Posted by: Skittimmus Maximus at February 12, 2008 8:07 PM

This site is beginning to scare me. The recent weird reviews...

Tell me, have y'all checked for carbon monoxide leaks at Pajiba Towers? Look into it.

Posted by: greer at February 12, 2008 8:08 PM

This sounds almost like something one of my 6th graders would write, albeit with fewer words like pretentious. Sadly, one of them told me this morning how she saw this hilarious movie during the weekend.

Posted by: Bort at February 12, 2008 8:09 PM

BEST REVIEW EVER. thank you so much for this.

Posted by: jordan at February 12, 2008 8:19 PM

Shit...ask Julie. We've hung out.

And I have the cigarette burns to prove it.

:sobs quietly:

Posted by: Julie at February 12, 2008 8:40 PM

I don't get it. Is that a real review from Amazon or did Dustin/Daniel/et al. write an entire review from this perspective? If its the former: hilarious. If the latter: pure, unadulterated genius.

Definitely just your friendly neighborhood Pajibaman taking the piss, the_wakeful.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at February 12, 2008 8:44 PM

"Quouht rouht, Muhnahypenny; now, let'sh have a look at that pushee."

I like that.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at February 12, 2008 8:46 PM

Now that's just an outright lie. Don't make me get the pliers and lemon juice Julie. Don't make me.

Posted by: PissBoy at February 12, 2008 8:51 PM

Of course I'm a catch.

Is that what the kids are calling STD carriers now? "Yeah, she's a catch; and so now my girlfriend has chlymidia."

I mean, we can poll the comment stream.

"Poll the stream" sounds dirty to me -- is there some kind of fetish where one dude wants another dude to wee on the first dude's him-bob? At any rate, this demonstrates that PB cannot talk without saying something funny.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at February 12, 2008 8:51 PM

I laugh in the face of your puny threats! Call me when you bust out the jar of honey and fire ants.

Socalled: PissBoy did seem a little...itchy. :)

Posted by: Julie at February 12, 2008 9:01 PM

That was because my jacket was wool. Wool itches. And I'm more partial to a jar of marshmallow fluff and a broken mop handle. Fire ants are for pussies.

Posted by: PissBoy at February 12, 2008 9:02 PM

I will try to make this short and to the point.

I recently had an epiphany concerning movies like this one. About movies that continue to portray black people as uneducated, ill spoken, ghetto-fied country people. I have a 71 yr old grandmother who is as ignorant as they come though no purposefully hurtful. She calls "black" people negro's and thinks it's sad to see "mixed" children, specifically black and white children. Or so she says. I continue to bring up the fact that while I'm "white" and my husband is Mexican are children are perfectly fine and that's not the way the world works anymore. Her response is it's different when it comes to black and white. Yeah, real logical. Anyway....

She saw this trailer and thought it was funny and wants to see it. That's when it hit me how awful and disgusting movies like this are. This movie will continue to reinforce her ignorant view point on black people in general and will give her more ammunition to say hurtful things.

I let that sink in for a minute and I've never in my life been so disappointed in a cast and crew in my life.

I had to share it if only because reading reviews on this and seeing the trailer hasn't just made me angry but hurt for the sad state of society and the fact that even though we've come far, we've certainly haven't come far enough.

Posted by: Virenda at February 12, 2008 9:03 PM

Yup, Virenda, and I don't think there's much understanding of or backlash against the casual stereotyping reinforced by this stuff. "White" movies do it too, but there's this sub-culture of black people making fun of black people that has more currency, but the audience is mixed, and I'm not sure it has any less hurtful of an impact on black people viewing it -- they can be influenced toward prejudice too. Yeah, I'm a cranky white liberal and not qualified to say, but it's my opinion.

"Oh, look how funny the niggras are with their little picnic! Oh, the one has escaped from being a lowly stupid niggra, but he's being dragged down by his family of down-in-the-holler niggras. Oh, he just whacked his mammy with a softball! Crazy niggras!" That was my Nana, to a tee. She was sweet in her way, and god bless her, she raised seven kids with virtually no money and no help, but that didn't make her views any less racist, and six out of the seven are fucking racist morons. Not my ma, though, she's just a mean, mean bitch.

So Virenda, where the hell have you been all this time? De-lurking to speak truth to power?

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at February 12, 2008 9:28 PM

I concur with what Socalled' and Virenda have said. Seems that everyone has at least one crazy Nana who doesn't know they are racist. I can only imagine my Nanas reaction today to Kevin Rudd saying "Sorry" to the indigenous people of Australia. She will be spouting the uninformed rhetoric that one can expect from someone who listens to talk back radio all day.

Posted by: Dexter Morgan at February 12, 2008 9:37 PM

Kevin Rudd apologized to the kangaroos?

Joke! [/ducks]

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at February 12, 2008 9:44 PM

Those kangaroos have had it rough. But nothing compared to Gods joke, the platypuss. Stupidist looking animal in the world. And it lays eggs. What sort of mammal does that. An abomination is what they are!

Posted by: Dexter Morgan at February 12, 2008 9:53 PM

Excuse me for being purile but... Platypushee. I had to.

Posted by: Dexter Morgan at February 12, 2008 9:54 PM

Monahpennah, I've nicknamed your wee hedgehog the plahtypushee, dear girl. Now, get me a shcotschhh.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at February 12, 2008 9:58 PM

I once had a very, very short relationship with a sweet boy in highschool. He was literate, academically smart and was generally a nice guy. We stayed away from going to the movies for the first few dates just to be different, but eventually I went over to his place for a movie night with some mutual friends. We watched 'Big Momma's House'. The next day I told him it was for the best that we saw other people.

Also, is anyone else absolutely disgusted and tearing out their eyeballs that in the recommendations section on IMDb for 'Roscoe Jenkins', 'Waitress' is listed?

Goodbye the world as I knew it v_v

Posted by: Cookie at February 12, 2008 10:00 PM

Dexter, re Rudd's apology. Let me just say it's about fucking time. Having this apology come so early in his tenure just underlines the assholery that was John Howard.

What are your thoughts on echidnas?

Posted by: kushiro at February 12, 2008 10:02 PM

Did I ever tell you about the time I fucked Napalm Fagshina? Her pushee offered no reshiishtanschhhh. Like throwing shaushage down a hall way.

Posted by: Dexter Morgan at February 12, 2008 10:03 PM

Also, is anyone else absolutely disgusted and tearing out their eyeballs that in the recommendations section on IMDb for 'Roscoe Jenkins', 'Waitress' is listed?

Well, Mal and Felicity were pretty hard on them niggras.

What are your thoughts on echidnas?

I think you shouldn't make fun of people with red splotches on their face.

Okay, seriously, I am about five sheets to the wind, and I have to go make Mrs. socalled's dinner or there's a major cock-punch in my future. It's only a cock-fight if your cock can fight back.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at February 12, 2008 10:06 PM

Monotremes are all equally ridiculous animals. The echidna reminds me of Pookie, who I thought was going to review this film. Puts on a front with all those spines but has a soft underbelly.

Posted by: Dexter Morgan at February 12, 2008 10:07 PM

soalcled & Dexter, your use of "pushee" has given me hope... I thank you, f'reals bitches!

Now say "oshteo-porosish", or "jooshy"... That's good fun, right there, it is!!

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at February 12, 2008 11:15 PM

That was painful. It felt kind of like April Fools all over again.

Echidnas are great, but there's something about a platypus that's just really fucked-up and awesome.

Posted by: KatyBelle at February 12, 2008 11:17 PM

I loved Black Belt Jones. The lights-out damage-in-the-dojo scene is not to be missed.

His hat!

Posted by: Rebeccah at February 12, 2008 11:17 PM

Monahypennah, youhur jooshy pushee is soh much easzhier to accesh noo that yoh've got oshteo-porosish.

I'm going to hell.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at February 12, 2008 11:20 PM

Napalm Fagshinah, your pushee is not very jooshy. In fact it is dry like the brittle bonesh of shomeone who shuffersh from oshteo-porosish.

Posted by: Dexter Morgan at February 13, 2008 12:57 AM

I love this site so much.

Definitely one of my favorite reviews, though it probably could have used an "alot" or two.

Posted by: Meryl at February 13, 2008 2:00 AM

So PB, some new targets for the bus ride of death.

Seems reasonable.

However TK has a salient point about your lack of cred when it comes to partner potential. You're kind of scary.

one of the children of the kevolution

signing off

Posted by: general rhubarb at February 13, 2008 2:34 AM

I think it's a testament both to the greatness of this site and to the apparent awfulness of this movie that I feel confident that reading phonetically-spelled attempts to impersonate Sean Connery saying 'osteoperosis' has provided me with approximately thirty thousand more units of hilarity (we'll call them 'hilarions') than watching this entire movie (while huffing paint thinner) ever could.

Posted by: Dill The Devil at February 13, 2008 3:51 AM

PissBay: I don't say this very often to people on the interwebs but I love you, fiercly and with every fibre of my being (tips on how to correctly gut a man be damned). Also, I think you just got me a disciplinery meeting at work concerning "the appropriateness of my internet usage on company time"

Totally worth it. The fire of your anger warms my soul, it truly does.

This thread is making my day better.

I'm going to ignore the review because although the little pretentious hipster that lives in the back of my skull was giggling along merrily the realist that controls my higher brain function was shaking her head at how utterly plausible it was.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at February 13, 2008 4:58 AM

Ugh and I am incapable of spelling even the simplest of words correctly. My apologies PissBoy, I haven't had my coffee yet.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at February 13, 2008 5:03 AM

Oh you guys...

Am I the only one who didn't like Something New? I have a massive girl-crush on Sanaa Lathan, but even she couldn't save that one for me. I was mostly appalled at the level of abuse/racism the poor white guy had to put up with. And even worse, it was played up for comedy. Yikes.

I know it was a few comments ago, but what with the dirty Sean Connery talk, I can't stop thinking of Scrabble Sex. I used to play Scrabble with a friend and you'd get 10 bonus points for dirty words.

Posted by: joker at February 13, 2008 8:38 AM

I dunno that people were eshactly shaying they liked Shomething New ash a whole joker...i merely enjoyed Mike Eppsh'sh performanshe.

And AtO...ditto! :P

Posted by: PissBoy at February 13, 2008 9:08 AM

Scrabulous needs to have a scrabble-sex option. Granted, I haven't had the dubious pleasure of being hit on while playing a word game and I don't particularly want to, but being able to play 'queef' on a triple word score would make up for it.

Posted by: Kris at February 13, 2008 9:12 AM

I don't know about 'queef', but I triple-word-scored with 'anal'. Does that count?

Posted by: ScarletKnight at February 13, 2008 9:50 AM

Scrabble Sex is the name of Julie's book...Scrabulous can't take that.

Oh...dirty words....nevermind...I was thinking of it in terms of tiles being lodged in...inconvenient places...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at February 13, 2008 9:52 AM

The most annoying thing about dirty words in Scrabble is when you're playing with family members. I mean: I know it's a dictionary term, I'll get the points and it is a kickass word for a triple letter score but do I really want to explain it to Grandma?

Posted by: Alex the Odd at February 13, 2008 9:59 AM

The most annoying thing about dirty words in Scrabble is when you're playing with family members.

I wish I had that problem. My family plays in spanish....and they have to explain foreign dirty words to me. That includes my grandmother.

(shivers)

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at February 13, 2008 10:02 AM

I just want to know how drunk Agent Beadhead had to get to date this guy and bring him into the pajiba fold.

Posted by: hater from siloam springs at February 13, 2008 10:19 AM

Alex's Grandma "Oooo bee doo! That looks like some nice points Alex. But what on earth is a 'California Potato Chip?'"

Alex "Well grandmum. It starts in the bedroom when you're having a particularly lengthy shag. Eventually, as you would know best Grandma I'm sure, a wet spot begins to form on the bed sheet. Well, the first person to have a screaming orgasm wins. The winner dries the wet spot with a hair dryer. Then you pull the sheets tight and the now dry spot pops off the sheets like a potato chip. The winner eats the chip."

Alex's Grandma "Oh dear. When I was your age we called that the drip chip. Now look at my double-word score for Rim Job! Oo. Before I forget, can you get me my calcium pill? I need to take it now or I'll be up all night using the loo."

Posted by: PissBoy at February 13, 2008 10:24 AM

PissBoy...that was disturbing on so many levels.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at February 13, 2008 10:27 AM

Aaaaah so the shady American fella maniacally sharpening knives at my last family Christmas was you PissBoy. That explains so much.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at February 13, 2008 10:41 AM

Well it's not Christmas without freshly sharpened surgical steel. Nice progress on the ink by the way. That be damn fine.

Posted by: PissBoy at February 13, 2008 10:44 AM

"Martin Lawrence is in fact the new Eddie Murphy, except if Eddie Murphy sucked more, was more unfunny, and took some sort of blunt force trauma to his brain stem."

Maybe it is Eddie Murphy who is Martin Lawrence if he sucked more. First of all, I've never seen Big Mommas House or Norbit but I do know that BMH came out years prior. Also, ancient history aside, I don't think there is anyone more unfunny than Eddie Murphy.

Posted by: Handel at February 13, 2008 10:54 AM

Aw, thanks! I'm pretty much over the moon with her so far and I've taken so long off I'm actually itching to go back under the needle.

Watch this change as I get closer to the date and remember how much it fucking hurts.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at February 13, 2008 10:57 AM

Heh, thanks pissboy, I'd never heard of a "California potato chip" before. ....what? like you ALL knew?

It's amazing the things I learn on this site. When is "Scrabble Sex" coming out? Hey, how about a giant Scrabble board...with giant Scrabble tiles...you know, like the chess thingies in the park. You can totally have sex on those and it would only be slightly uncomfortable, unlike having the little tiles lodged up your ass.

Posted by: joker at February 13, 2008 11:19 AM

Shadows: They best not be stealing my book title, I've already started the first chapter, "What Word Can I Spell with a U C T N?"

Alex: The tattoo is indeed looking spectacular.

PissBoy: EW.

Posted by: Julie at February 13, 2008 11:23 AM

Oooh especially if the tiles were slightly foamy - like mini matresses.

That would rock. My inner slut and inner geek are duking it out for which one is more excited about that concept.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at February 13, 2008 11:24 AM

AtO: I am absolutely with you! I, myself, have always wanted to get busy on a large chessboard. I don't know why, but I've always wanted to play a massive game of chess and eventually checkmate my partner. Or how about a giant chess game using actual people for pieces. What an orgy that would be. I feel sorry for whoever gets taken out by the Knight.

Posted by: ScarletKnight at February 13, 2008 11:35 AM

Oh my god PissBoy - I just barfed a little in my mouth at that one. Yeah, to actually add a little detail to my already-over-indulged Scrabulous loser story, in keeping with our ScrabbleSex topic: At one point I made the word "breast" (hey, I was getting a triple word score in the process), and that encouraged one of the several instances where buddy said, "Lol, you reely are notty." Uggggh.

Posted by: b at February 13, 2008 11:38 AM

Knight takes Queen! Bishop takes Queen! Pawn ... takes Queen! All right -- everyone get off the Queen, she's been so good to all of us.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at February 13, 2008 12:09 PM

Socalled...that's exactly what I thought of. That was a great movie.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at February 13, 2008 12:12 PM

Alex: there's got to be Scrabble-themed sheets out there somewhere, and it is now my life's mission to find them.

Posted by: Julie at February 13, 2008 12:20 PM

ATO...I like the mini-matresses idea. Or they could be giant marshmallows with letters on them, that way you can also eat them...I don't really know where I'm going with this. I think I might be hungry.

Posted by: joker at February 13, 2008 12:22 PM

Joker, what I think you're trying to say is that you want to have sex with a marshmallow while eating Scrabble tiles. I think.

Posted by: Julie at February 13, 2008 12:56 PM

A rant, instructions on how to kill someone, and the name 'Stabby' being bandied about.

Comment thread complete.

Posted by: Smokin at February 13, 2008 2:29 PM

So.

This is what madness looks like.

Good to know.

Carry on.

Posted by: TK at February 13, 2008 2:51 PM

Hope I'm not too late on the game.....Damn work, being soo busy!!!!

Oh yohung ladsh, here I thoughtsh i wash the ohnly one harbouring a fetishh for the dirty mind of one Sean Connery. Ohnly to findsh yoush with the same obsseshion, ith enamoresh me with sucsh glee.....

Nowh if you findsh that my plathee-push ish too old with oshteo-porosish, mighth I shugghest i shlip yohur jooshy pushee with whath I like to callsh the schhocker what!

Posted by: Jax at February 13, 2008 5:08 PM

the joke in the review when on way past where it was funny. but i guess that was the point.

Posted by: EricD at February 13, 2008 5:11 PM

Pissboy: The prospect of your availability coupled with the stabbing tips is strangely.... erotic... You are like some sort of foul-mouthed, self-destructive Pajiba bad-boy... tell me, are you attracted to super geeky hot women with low self-esteem?? ;)

Posted by: Zanna at February 13, 2008 7:25 PM

Well, socalledonlycousins I've been reading and recommending this site for a good year and half but never commented if only because putting things down on the web and not being able to take them back usually makes me hyperventilate. Plus I know I'll end up misspelling somehthing. :)

My g-ma is lovely in her own way but she says the weirdest shit. I have 3 kids that are half mexican and we are shopping at Mervyn's with her, because she likes to shop there and she says to me, "You know I think Mervyn's has gone down hill now that all these mexicans are shopping here. It's such a shame." I of course was nice enough to ask her if it would make her feel better if me and my MEXICAN children left and shopped else where?

Because I'm not racist and I surround myself with like minded people it really didn't hit me about the movies like this and how they portrayed people until I was with her for a week and heard the way her and her old friends spoke. It certainly woke me up.

Posted by: Virenda at February 13, 2008 11:35 PM

Julie: It's like you read my mind...How'd you do that? What if the tiles were actually banana cake? Wouldn't that be better?

Posted by: joker at February 14, 2008 5:26 AM

Super geeky and hot is near impossible! I call Shennanigans!! But yes...except the low self-esteem thing. That can be fixed. :P

Posted by: PissBoy at February 14, 2008 9:32 AM

Heh... I'm like a perfect storm over here Pissboy... not only am I super geeky and hot... I also watch sports and can bake a pie from scratch... while taking all of your money at poker :D And I'm getting better at the low self esteem thing... but that was mostly for laughs as we all know that those girls are particularly susceptible to the whole bad boy schtick

Posted by: Zanna at February 14, 2008 9:45 PM

Alright...now I know you're lyin' cuz NO ONE takes my money at the table. Or you're a cyborg, sent to earth to study the habits of men and how best to conquer them. Either way I don't know whether to be turned on, or frightened. I'll lean towards the former.

And I'm no bad boy. I sleep with a flashlight and toy lightsaber by my bedside to ward off the monsters. I often ask my landlord to come tuck me in and check my closet for the boogie man...err, I mean, I'm totally badass. I rock. I beat people up and cut my own tattoo into my arm. With a piece of glass. Blindfolded. While chewing on a 38 slug cuz I was out of gum.

Seriously though I'm the same here as I am everywhere else. Except here, I can slack back on my exercising of tact and go for the jugular whenever possible.

Posted by: PissBoy at February 15, 2008 11:31 AM

True, PissBoy, one thing you can't be accused of is the exercise of tact...

That's a good thing, btw. I approve.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at February 15, 2008 11:38 AM