We Hereby Bring Suit Versus Gerard Butler Under California Civil Code, Article 1: Failure to Give a Sh*t
On or about December 7, 2012, the following breach of contract occurred, to wit:
The undersigned named plaintiff, Dustin Rowles, publisher and movie critic for the website, Pajiba.com, paid $7 (matinee fee) to attend a film entitled Playing for Keeps starring Gerard Butler, Jessica Biel, Uma Thurman, Catherine Zeta Jones, and Dennis Quaid, et. al. As a professional who earns his income from screening and critiquing films, Dustin Rowles has -- as has the movie-going public at large -- become accustomed to, anticipate, and rely upon the people with whom are tasked with performing in feature films distributed for public consumption, a certain level of exertion toward meeting the defendant's minimum obligations.
It was with great displeasure, discomfort, and disappointment to find that the defendants in this case -- the aforementioned cast, as well as director Gabriele Muccino (The Pursuit of Happyness) and screenwriter Robbie Fox (Pauly Shore's In the Army Now) -- did not fulfill their end of a the implicit contract, i.e., the defendants promised, in exchange for the purchase of a admission into Playing for Goods, to make a good-faith effort to provide a threshold level of entertainment value.
The defendants failed to meet their burden, and therefore we bring this class-action lawsuit suing the defendants for breach of contract for failure to give a sh*t. Specifically, the defendants failed to perform to the satisfaction of the audience screening the film in my jurisdiction nor, in fact, any audience in any jurisdiction. In laymen's terms, Playing for Keeps can best be described as a "turd," owing to the fact that the defendants did not bother put in the requisite effort one needs to contribute to make a viable product. In fact, there is no evidence that the defendants contributed any effort toward the finished product other than to dress themselves and appear in front of a camera, which the actors cited above may or may not have known was running.
Defendants, and each of them, breached their agreement with plaintiff class by failing and refusing to perform in good faith their promise to provide a minimum level of entertainment value. As a result of the breach of the defendants, and each of them, in the obligations pursuant to the contract, the entire sum of admission fees.
Moreover, because psychological damage inflicted upon audience members far exceeds the expected box-office gross of Playing for Keeps, we hereby request that the defendants relinquish to the charity of the plaintiff class' choice the sums they were paid to "perform" in the above mentioned film. Punitively, we also request that the director, screenwriter, and actors involved -- with the exception of one Judy Greer, who has demonstrated the ability to give a sh*t in previous projects -- be suspended from the practice of filmmaking for a period of at least two years. After such time, the lead defendant in the case, Gerard Butler, must perform in only roles that ask of him no more than to remove his shirt, grunt and thrust pointy objects at others.
The Plaintiff class also requests that the court award double or triple damages, attorney's fees and costs if the court finds in the plaintiff's favor.