angelina_jolie_wanted_movie_image.jpg

I Want to Fuck This Movie

Wanted / Dustin Rowles

Film Reviews | August 27, 2008 | Comments (177)

What do you get when you combine the sultriest pair of hips and lips in Hollywood, seemingly tethered together only by body art; blood splatters that course with viscous glee; enough cold, hard steel to resurrect Heston; bullets that curve; joyous holes in the head; and a hot, slathering mess of McAvoy? You get Wanted, a movie you want to take behind the middle school and impregnate. With twins.

Watching Wanted, it’s obvious where screenwriters Michael Brandt and Derek Haas got their inspiration: 1999. Inarguably, the three best films of the Clinton years were made in that year, and that cinematic trinity flows through Wanted like a purple midget eating monster at a Prince concert at the turn of the millennium. It has that Damn It Feels Good to Be a Gangsta anti-cubicle fuck you vibe of Office Space, the struggle for individuality spirit and light-hearted brutality of Fight Club, and a brand of action-movie Waschowskism that hasn’t felt this fresh since The Matrix, even if director Timur Bekmambetov owes a huge debt to that movie. Throw in a dash of last year’s Ratatouille (you’ll understand), and you have the symphonic awesomeness of Wanted, an orgy of bullets, blood, and toned flesh that will break open your anal capillaries like a Crisco-free Saturday night up on Brokeback.

Wesley Gibson (James McAvoy) is an asshole, a nobody, an insignificant peon in the corporate world charged with manufacturing bullshit reports while his mouth-breathing, jelly-donut eating tub of a boss stands over him popping a stapler in his ear. Wesley is miserable, living out the same-sameness of his life knowing that his best friend is boning his girlfriend on top of his cheap IKEA furniture during lunch breaks. But Wesley persists with a nancied approach to his existence, staving off the occasional panic attack with cheap generic pharmaceuticals subsidized by his cubicle overlords. Then on a day he actually manages to get out of the drug store without buying his BFF condoms to thrust into his girlfriend, he’s approached by Fox (Angelina Jolie) and told that his father, the second best assassin in the world, was just killed by the best, who’s about to put Wesley into the cold, cold ground. Cut to: One of the most inspired action sequences in years, a car-chase shootout that has Wesley with his hands on the steering wheel and his face in a crotch-full of Jolie as she’s Tawney Kitaening a sports car while simultaneously unleashing a shock-and-awe spray of bullets toward her target.

In other words, it was just the sort of relaxing evening that Wesley needed to break loose from his corporate shackles and wake up the next morning to jackhammer a series of go fuck yourselves into the temples of his friends and colleagues at the ole’ land of partitions and expense reports.

Wesley is thereafter invited by Sloan (Morgan Freeman), the head of The Fraternity — a tight-knit group of super-killer assassins — to come into the fold with the intent of being trained to ultimately take out his father’s killer. The Fraternity’s mission statement, if you will, is simply to assassinate bad motherfuckers with the hope that one death today saves a thousand lives down the line. Their targets are coughed up by The Loom of Fate, an automatied loom that spits up binary code containing the names of their targets. Implicitly, there are three rules of the Fraternity: 1) Never question (The Loom of) Fate; 2) Never question (The Loom of) Fate; and most importantly, 3) Never question (The Loom of) Fate. Likewise, never question the logic of Wanted, because if you pause long enough to consider it, the narrative would unspool like a runaway roll of Charmin. Fortunately, the breathtaking action — bullets, fists, and knives (oh my!) — never lets up long enough to allow you to question the preposterousness, and by the time you’ve left the theater holding a folder over your cinematic erection, you don’t give a shit that you’ve been duped by a machine-gun blasted series of scenes that are as unrelentingly preposterous as they are unrelentingly, insanely bad ass. Indeed, once the origins story and the training sequence is over, the narrative of Wanted feels as though it’s about to level out and find a formulaic groove, but then — in a movie you never expect it from — it wallops you with a twist that turns the entire movie on its head, adding more than enough adrenaline to rock out with your cock out / jam out with your clam out past the finish line.

I’ve always been relatively indifferent to Angelina Jolie, but I’ll concede that few do tough-sexy as well as she does, and in Wanted, she finally reaches her fullest tough-sexy potential — she waves around a gun in ways that would make Freud weep with vagina envy. Without giving too much away, Morgan Freeman finally gets a role like buttered ass that he can sink his teeth into — it’s been so long since he’s played anything but wise and grizzled moral center that you almost forget that it’s actually possible to feature Freeman in a movie in which he doesn’t also narrate. He also delivers the best line in the entire film, a crowd-pleasing turn of phrase we’ve been waiting decades for him to deliver — if you don’t pump your fist, just a little, you’re dead inside. But the show belongs to James McAvoy: A blood-soaked, pint-size, white-collar Statham who somehow manages to fly through the breakneck Wanted without snapping his spine. He’s a total nerds-of-steel kind of action hero: Bale’s steaminess, Bourne’s fluidity, a hint of the Sam Rockwellian wiseacre, and the tiniest dab of that Nick Frost’s what-the-hell-am-I doing-in-an action-movie attitude.

The true surprise, however, is Timur Bekmambetov; minutes into Wanted, I kept wracking my brain to remember who the director was, because obviously a man with this much stylistic flair, this much visual creativity, and this much total disregard for the laws of physics would surely be a name familiar to me and everyone else. It wasn’t until I got home and iMDB’d the Russian-Kazakh Bekmambetov before I started punching myself in the nose for missing both Night Watch and the lesser Day Watch. The guy is balls-to-the-ceiling talented, a filmmaker who can not only put together a jaw-dropping action sequence, but a man who can give you a Looney Tunes action movie without making it feel like a Looney Tunes action movie. Wanted is also a comic-book movie, but you’d never fucking know it.

Indeed, it’s been a long two months since Iron Man, but Wanted is finally a film that can make you forget about Marvel Studios for a while and move on with your cinematic life, comfortable in knowing that your 2008 summer love affair with action movies doesn’t have to be monogamous. So go ahead, folks: Spread that seed. After all, Iron Man is a movie you can make love to, but Wanted is a movie you’re gonna wanna fuck, with a cock ring, on top of a fast-moving train.

Dustin Rowles is the publisher of Pajiba. This is the last review he’ll ever write from Ithaca, NY. So long, Regal Ithaca Mall Stadium 14. You’ve been good to me, but now it’s time to move on. You may email Dustin, or leave a comment below.


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Comments

I'm wet just reading this review....can't wait for the actual movie.

Posted by: feramones at June 27, 2008 1:40 PM

Sweet sassy-molassy! Count me in!

Posted by: Helcat at June 27, 2008 1:41 PM

I got hard just after reading the first paragraph... excuse me while I rub one off....hmmm Guns... Aneglina... Guns...Guns... YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ahhh....much better... yay America.

Posted by: Nico at June 27, 2008 1:42 PM

Well, unless this whole review is sarcasm...

Wow, just wow, am I the only one who had high doubts about this flick?

Suppose I may have to check it out after all.

Posted by: Ian at June 27, 2008 1:42 PM

Mmmmm, orgasmically delicious review Dustin. I'm so pumped to see this. Yaay!

Posted by: b at June 27, 2008 1:42 PM

If you haven't seen Night Watch, you need to get that taken care of. The action sequences and the visuals are out of this world. Great review!

Posted by: Lex at June 27, 2008 1:44 PM

Seriously, feramones...I'm about to hump the copier.

Sounds balls out awesome Dustin!

Posted by: Julie at June 27, 2008 1:46 PM

that has Wesley with his hands on the steering wheel and his face in a crotch-full of Jolie as she's Tawney Kitaening a sports car while simultaneously unleashing a shock-and-awe spray of bullets toward her target.

Fuck. Yeah. Jolie in an sexy action role? I'm there. Just like I'd pay money to have Anthony Hopkins read the phone book, I'd happily sit in a roomful of noisy tweens to watch Jolie get her sexy on with a variety of weaponry on the big screen. It's a long weekend coming up for me - this is the perfect way to celebrate - brain, you're dismissed. I'm not sure I've ever been so jealous of her co-star (with the possible exception of Pitt in Mr. & Mrs. Smith) - I'll be in my bunk if anyone needs me.

Posted by: lordhelmet at June 27, 2008 1:47 PM

Fuck, yeah. I swear to God, normally I can't stand Angie, but she makes "professional assassin" look like the best job in the world. My only fear is that, after seeing this, I will be so ramped up on violence and lust that I'll cap a bitch in the multiplex parking lot.

Posted by: Nicole at June 27, 2008 1:47 PM

'I'll cap a bitch in the multiplex parking lot'

Otherwise known as just another Saturday night in Killadelphia?

Posted by: thejodester at June 27, 2008 1:49 PM

Watching Wanted, it's obvious where screenwriters Michael Brandt and Derek Haas got their inspiration: 1999.

Or, you know, Mark Millar.

Wanted is also a comic-book movie, but you'd never fucking know it.

...?

Posted by: twig at June 27, 2008 1:53 PM

I love you Dustin.

I've been wanting to see this for months! It looks like balls-to-the-walls action hardcore, without any of the silliness and inexplicable physics holes of such faire as Shoot Em Up. And I agree...no matter what you think of her personally, Jolie is the mistress of Badass-Sexy.

I'm going to the movies, I'm going to the movies, I'm going to the movies!

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 27, 2008 1:59 PM

"I Want to Fuck This Movie".....um, ok.

Posted by: Anne at June 27, 2008 2:03 PM

So I picked the right movie for date night while the kids are at camp, huh? I was praying this would be good. Now I'm even more excited.

Posted by: Reba at June 27, 2008 2:05 PM

'I'll cap a bitch in the multiplex parking lot'

I'm glad I don't live anywhere near you, Nicole...or am I? There have been plenty of times when my justification for letting fools live was this close to shifting in favor of purging the species. We could totally do a NBK style spree...but with more firepower.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 27, 2008 2:06 PM

I thought I wasn't interested.....but I am.

Posted by: chaz at June 27, 2008 2:07 PM

Fuck.Yes! This review made me wanna bone the server. I've been waiting for this review all morning, dog dammit! Now I totally regret not calling in dead today just so I could catch an early screening. Now I'll just have to get home fast enough to pawn my kids off on a sitter and get to the theatre.


Any takers? Seriously, I'm not discriminating.

Posted by: Manny at June 27, 2008 2:07 PM

I *heart* Dustin's reviews the most. They are HOT!

I kind of actually guiltily wanted (see what I did there?) to see this movie, but i was afraid it would be all stupid and stuff. The commercials were exciting, though, and since I had actually seen both Nightwatch and Daywatch, and am currently in love with Bekmambetov because of them, I knew I would have to see it even if it was awful, so to hear that it's actually watchable makes my day. Woohoo!! Thanks Dustin!

Posted by: Anastasia Beaverhausen at June 27, 2008 2:08 PM

I've had a perma-chub ever since I saw the first trailer for this months ago.

Jolie kicks me right in the neck anyway...so I (and possibly my wife) may not recover from this for weeks.

Posted by: firedmyass at June 27, 2008 2:10 PM

Why would you leave Ithaca? After spending 4 of the best years of my life at Cornell, I never wanted to leave that town!

Do me a favor and have a Parking Zone from D.P. Dough before you leave (I used to deliver for them). Or at least get some Hot Truck!

Posted by: Perl at June 27, 2008 2:10 PM

That said, I've only ever watched one AJ movie, Gia, it was meh. This will be number two.

Posted by: Anne at June 27, 2008 2:11 PM

That's because it bears almost no resemblance to the breathtakingly unpleasant comic book it's nominally based on.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at June 27, 2008 2:14 PM

"she waves around a gun in ways that would make Freud weep with vagina envy"

Heeheehee! I'm in love with this line!

Posted by: MO(meaux) at June 27, 2008 2:21 PM

i had no desire to see this film, but after reading your review, i can't wait!

Posted by: kelley at June 27, 2008 2:22 PM

"Jam out with your clam out"?

Well done, sir.


I'm normally not an action-flick type of gal, but I think I need to see this. If it's more badass than the Bourne trilogy, I'd be glad to drop $9 with a student discount on it. Gimme James McAvoy and smuggled Red Vines in a dark theater any day.

Posted by: Corinna at June 27, 2008 2:24 PM

That's because it bears almost no resemblance to the breathtakingly unpleasant comic book it's nominally based on.

Good to know.

Posted by: twig at June 27, 2008 2:27 PM

Ian, you're not the only one. I adore Jolie, McAvoy, & Freeman, but after seeing the trailers, I didn't see much difference from this or any other assassin movie, like Shoot 'Em Up, Hitman, etc.

I'm glad that this one is good, and has a decent twist. I might fork up the money to see it.

Posted by: Brie at June 27, 2008 2:27 PM

Been holding my breath for your review, now I can barely catch my breath, yeah daddy, I'm almost there...

Posted by: michelle at June 27, 2008 2:29 PM

I just came.

Posted by: jM at June 27, 2008 2:29 PM

I respectfully disagree.

Saw this film last night and I was wholly underwhelmed. I'm not saying it was bad, but neither did it reach the orgasmic heights of which you speak.

Posted by: WestCoastPat at June 27, 2008 2:31 PM

Well, I've never been interested, but I'm curious: do her arms look better than the poster?

Posted by: Jay at June 27, 2008 2:32 PM

Jeez...you guys are a bunch of sicko perverts...I'm so offended.

{delicately pushes up reading glasses on bridge of nose and goes back to reading Prioleau Alexander...}

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 27, 2008 2:33 PM

Anybody got a cigarette?

Posted by: DarthCorleone at June 27, 2008 2:35 PM

I feel like I need a cigarette after reading this.

Posted by: JS at June 27, 2008 2:36 PM

Wanted=Boondock Saints 2.0:
Stupid, Cruel, Self-Righteous, Completely derivative.

You can all take your boners over to the nearest frat part and commiserate with your brethren.

Posted by: Frank at June 27, 2008 2:38 PM

"do her arms look better than the poster?"

No, no they do not.

Posted by: WestCoastPat at June 27, 2008 2:38 PM

Boner alert - I loves me some Angela Jolie. Woo hoo!

Posted by: sosumi at June 27, 2008 2:43 PM

Or, you know, Mark Millar.

The movie version of Wanted has about as much to do with the comic book version of Wanted as Anna Karenina does with UHF. They differ in tone, plot, character - the whole nine yards. The only similarity is that both stories feature a guy named Wesley Gibson who shoots people really well and joins a secret club.

Posted by: mightygodking at June 27, 2008 2:46 PM

"as she's Tawney Kitaening a sports car"

Sold.

Posted by: lunabelle at June 27, 2008 2:50 PM

er, that would be Angelina Jolie

Posted by: sosumi at June 27, 2008 2:50 PM

The movie version of Wanted has about as much to do with the comic book version...

Again, good to know. Millar's work brings all the delight of a camel spunk milkshake so now I can go see this.

After Wall-E of course.

Posted by: twig at June 27, 2008 2:51 PM

I was expecting you to tear this movie apart, but now I would roundhouse kick a nun in the face to see this movie. The way you described it, I may have to see it with David.

Posted by: Jeremy at June 27, 2008 2:55 PM

Dude, you need to calm the fuck down. I'm only on the 2nd paragraph and the vascular parts down there are in hiding. I would love to one day go see a movie with you, but only a bad movie, because I'd imagine during the good parts you'd rip out your pubic hair and nipples, like you've said, and I don't know anyone who expresses love that way. Swear.

I need to go see the movie, then read the rest of your review. I am so sick of Angelina's Lara Croft act that shows up in every GD action movie. Isn't there some other female protagonist archtype that warrants the same nipple-gouging love?

Posted by: Third Shift at June 27, 2008 2:58 PM

Isn't there some other female protagonist archtype that warrants the same nipple-gouging love?

Yes, but sadly we're not expecting Serenity 2 out anytime soon, so you'll just have to make the most of River Tam while you've got her. A 90-lb girl who can beat up a whole bar after being mentally destabilised and reprogrammed..and THEN take on a horde of feral cannibals without firearms.....and who can read minds and intuitively fly spaceships - what's not to love?

Posted by: lordhelmet at June 27, 2008 3:05 PM

Holy. Fucking. Shit. Damn, Dustin. I'm with Meaux "jam out with your clam out" is THE line of the summer. Seriously....

But, damn. I have been waiting for this, but cautiously, ya know? Didn't want to get too hyped up, but SHEEEEEEE*IIIIIIIIT!!!! I AM READY TO RUMMMMMBBBBLLLLLLE! I loves me some ass-kicking Angelina and James McAvoy is adorable, and Morgan Freeman has owned my ass for years. WEEEEE!!

Posted by: dammitjanet at June 27, 2008 3:06 PM

BTW, for all my Pajiba friends, this drinks for you...

http://youlookfunny.blogspot.com/

Posted by: dammitjanet at June 27, 2008 3:07 PM

Night Watch is so freakin good...You have to see it! Daywatch was kind of a let down

Posted by: lea at June 27, 2008 3:09 PM

and Morgan Freeman has owned my ass for years.

Does that mean you're pricey or...wait...yeah, I'm gonna shut up now...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 27, 2008 3:14 PM

Isn't there some other female protagonist archtype that warrants the same nipple-gouging love?

Mace. Strange Days. Zoe Bell. Death Proof.

I think Pajiba did a list of these, and then there was another list because one list wasn't nearly enough.

Posted by: twig at June 27, 2008 3:14 PM

So what's up, Dustin? You going to take it in back in the sticks at the new Malco in Fayetteville, or have you gotten a new job in NYC? Don't be coy.

Posted by: hater from siloam springs at June 27, 2008 3:16 PM

Now, Shadows, I think you know the answer to that question.....didn't you see the dollar signs?

Posted by: dammitjanet at June 27, 2008 3:21 PM

first night watch was great, second slowing down bullets might be boring but curving bullets? sweeeeeeet I know what I want for christmas. But people I'm here to ask for help, I cant get enough of James Mcavoy. You might think "who can?" but really it's pathological. I mean I even watched "becoming Jane" for christ's sake! and just the thought of anne hataway playing her provokes killer instincts. The guy has those tsunami eyes, is funny and so dangerously well-rounded. I'm even freaking obsessed with his wife!! does anyone know of james mcavoyismst meeting groups?
PEOPLE HELPPP!!

Posted by: rio at June 27, 2008 3:23 PM

Jay, I'm glad someone else is disturbed by AJ's arms in the poster. I know the gal's always been slender, but those arms look downright skeletal. Or crickety.

Sounds like Wanted doesn't just ask you to suspend your disbelief, but leave every last drop of it in the trunk of your car. It looks like fun as long as you don't stop and think or you might start giggling at its absurdity. Good times.

Posted by: Alabamapink at June 27, 2008 3:34 PM

"it's obvious where screenwriters Michael Brandt and Derek Haas got their inspiration: 1999. Inarguably, the three best films of the Clinton years were made in that year, and that cinematic trinity flows through Wanted like a purple midget eating monster at a Prince concert at the turn of the millennium. It has that Damn It Feels Good to Be a Gangsta anti-cubicle fuck you vibe of Office Space, the struggle for individuality spirit and light-hearted brutality of Fight Club, and a brand of action-movie Waschowskism that hasn't felt this fresh since The Matrix"

After reading that paragraph I've determined that Dustin Rowles probably isn't redeemable. The three best movies of the Clinton era are Office Space, Fight Club, and the Matrix? Are you a 15 year old boy playing Dungeons and Dragons in his basement?

Posted by: Sirkickyass at June 27, 2008 3:52 PM

Well if it isn't Sirkickyass, here for another afternoon of trolling and Pajiba-baiting (or is it -bating? This sounds kinda naughty). I'm not saying you have no life, because it takes one to know one, right? Here's a link you should look at: http://xkcd.com/386/ - see anyone you know? I mod thee -1, flamebait.

Posted by: lordhelmet at June 27, 2008 4:12 PM

Heeeeeee.

Posted by: Julie at June 27, 2008 4:14 PM

I have a date to see this movie next week with my uber geek of the moment. I don't know whether it is now appropriate to call him and tell him that he is now guaranteed action. This film sounds like the fucking hotness. Sign me up. It's ticking my boxes like a motherfucker. Observe:

Stupid action movie which validates my aesthetic choices in the form of tattooed hotness? Check.
Eyecandy? Check and motherfucking check.
Cute boy to watch it with? Check.
Who will sit and dissect it with me over dinner in terms of moral and ethical themes and then get into a debate over whether Millar's writing style was really any good in the first place? Check.
Who is paying? Check, baby. Check.

You guys can't see it but I'm doing the "my life is awesome, so much more awesome than yours" dance right now.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at June 27, 2008 4:16 PM

Wait, I'm out of the loop. Who in the holy hell is Sirkickyass? And why is he angry?

Posted by: Alex the Odd at June 27, 2008 4:18 PM

You read xkcd too, lordhelmet! Your level of awesome just went up exponentially.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 27, 2008 4:19 PM

You guys can't see it but I'm doing the "my life is awesome, so much more awesome than yours" dance right now.

But...my life is kinda awesome...isn't it? Damnit...need a hot date to watch this tonight now...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 27, 2008 4:24 PM

I am addicted to xkcd. I quoted that comic verbatim when a friend of mine admonished me for correcting the movie Juno.

But for Godtopus' sake, she was randomly mixing Roman and Greek mythology!!!

Posted by: feramones at June 27, 2008 4:30 PM

Sorry Shadows honey. There is a 97% chance that your life does in fact suck more than mine. Don't worry, I'm not saying your life isn't at least a little bit awesome. It's just that no matter what level of awesomeness you manage to achieve it does not even come close to the sheer pinnacle of awesome that is my life right now, at this very second. Because my date is not only cute he reads the same freaking webcomics that I do. Oh yes.

I'm having a geekgasm.

Also: I may be drunk.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at June 27, 2008 4:30 PM

-- "a movie you want to take behind the middle school and impregnate."
Don't you mean you want to have its abortion? Or, you haven't been Pajibad this good since elementary school. You know, keeping with the Fight Club reference and all.

Posted by: JP at June 27, 2008 4:31 PM

In what scientists are calling "pretty gay", I left a word out.

that comic strip

A leading expert characterized the situation as "retarded".

Posted by: feramones at June 27, 2008 4:34 PM

HAH! You have some fun tonight, AtO...though it sounds like the fun's already started

We knew what you meant, feramones. We love your dyslexic, typo-typing ass anyway.

Now, Shadows, I think you know the answer to that question.....didn't you see the dollar signs?

Julie...I know what I want for a honeymoon present...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 27, 2008 4:50 PM

Welcome back Odd One! Vermillion's been whimpering and rocking back and forth, he'll be so glad to see you back! Sirkicky started a little flamewar a ways back (I think with the Veronica Mars article) regarding how objectively flawed our top 20 shows of the last 20 years is. He claims he's a dick and seemed to present evidence to support it, but went out of his way it seems to alienate everyone here.

Shadows, thanks sir, it's nice to be validated - I'm also big into Slashdot, The Register, the BOFH, and all sorts of geeky things. Today's XKCD has a really neat parallel to Discovery's Boom-da-yadda ad song. And sorry, I can't help with a hot date.

Diversion idea - best/favourite webcomics and why. Mine: XKCD, UserFriendly, Sluggy Freelance for sheer awesomeness.

Posted by: lordhelmet at June 27, 2008 4:52 PM

Shadows: Trust me when I say that those two things are the least of what my ass is capable of....

and I'm out, folks! Have a good weekend!

Posted by: feramones at June 27, 2008 4:53 PM

lordhelmet: I notice that you don't actually defend his claim. Seriously, how is the claim that those three movies form the best three films of the Clinton era even remotely defensible?

Shit, just 1994 alone produces Pulp Fiction, Hoop Dreams, and Shawshank Redemption.

There's trolling and then there is calling out articles for blatant retardation. I do the latter. Notice I stick around and debate the finer points when I take issue. It's not my fault that Pajiba provides such fodder every week or so.

Posted by: sirkickyass at June 27, 2008 4:56 PM

Now 'ass' SAID something there, helmet - & made a point.

Ball's in your court

Posted by: TMax at June 27, 2008 5:00 PM

I'm not a huge comic book reader but I picked the Wanted graphic novel based on a friend's recommendation and I rather enjoyed it. Can't say I'm surprised that it got completely reworked for the film version - I just can't see a studio getting behind a movie whose protagonist is a super-villain who murders innocent people and rapes Hollywood actresses just because he knows he can get away with it.

Posted by: bartap at June 27, 2008 5:02 PM

What's even more awesome (for me, at least) is that a shitload of the action scenes were shot along the path I walk every day to get to my building. Ten bucks says I'll have a spontaneous orgasm on my way to work on Monday after seeing this.

Posted by: em at June 27, 2008 5:09 PM

Another response to lordhelmet since he wrote again as I was posting initially: I think if you'll look back the person who took BY FAR the most "flaming" was me. The real thrust of the initial thing I wrote in regards to the Veronica Mars article was that the list was symptomatic of an overall decline in the quality provided by Pajiba. I, in fact, explicitly referenced Dustin as being of decidedly poor quality specifically because he gives designations such as "great fucking film" (harder to imagine higher praise) for movies that are mediocre to good. That he cites Office Space (very fun), Fight Club (aging shockingly poorly), and The Matrix (ditto) as the best films of the Clinton era is just more ammo in the cannon for any assault where the primary point is "Dustin Rowles has completely abandoned any larger context in reviewing movies."

I'm not certain it's a flame to say such a thing. The only reason I reference 15 year olds playing Dungeons and Dragons is because such a statement coming from their mouths would be expected given that they would lack the maturity to handle any more serious movies and the knowledge base to reference any other films from that time period. Frankly, Dustin SHOULD be embarassed for that paragraph precisely because it makes him sound like a basement dweller instead of someone who (I glean) has a fair amount of education.

Posted by: Sirkickyass at June 27, 2008 5:21 PM

Sorry, but this movie looks unbelievably shitty and if you disagree, I'm sure there's a DVD of Smokin'Aces to tide you over until showtime.

By the way, are we all still up on Angelina Jolie? Is that still going on?

Posted by: Oh Henry at June 27, 2008 5:25 PM

SirKicky -- valid points. Agree on Office Space. A good movie, but hardly belongs in the pantheon. Fight Club, though, is an absolutely fantastic movie. Hoop Dreams was a well-done documentary, but hardly ground-breaking. Top Three for Clinton Era: Pulp Fiction, Fight Club, Braveheart -- not necessarily in that order. Honorable Mention to Fellowship of the Rings, Saving Private Ryan and Shawshenk.

Posted by: JP at June 27, 2008 5:47 PM

Kicky, it's very much to your credit that you do stick around for the debate. Here's our difference though: in my grand scheme of things, my sense of perspective in my real world, I just don't care enough. For what they were, those three examples of his were good shows, though by no means the best of that era. Yours may or may not be better - this fails my de minimus test and I don't feel like wasting the glorious weather of a 4-day weekend getting into a hair-splitting argument about something which I'll forget about by the time my bus gets here. I concede that you begin your debates on grounds of alleged retardation, but your conduct last time rode very close to the edge, if not over the precipice, of trolling/troll-baiting.

Does Pajiba serve up "fodder" for enlightened minds such as yourself on a regular basis? Apparently. You're certainly free to take them to task on it, and I encourage you doing your part to keep them honest to their standards, whatever they may be. What I dispute is that there's enough significance to warrant the effort and virtual ink that flows in the ensuing discussions/arguments. We get into virtual barfights here and wage intercomment warfare, discussing alcohol, zombies, MurderTanks, Godtopus, sexual debauchery, and I recruit crews for my orbiting platform of death MurderMaid because it's a fun diversion which a community of likeminded individuals share in. Yes we have views and (differing) standards, but we don't take ourselves so seriously that the world begins and ends with cinema or TV.

If the collective intellect of this site were to address itself to solving some kind of problem, it would more likely be more life-alteringly significant than a lucrative fantasyland - I daresay AtO wouldn't pursue her studies with such determination, or Chez wouldn't have let his ass get fired over a blogging commentary about the state of media and politics today, if they didn't think those respective efforts were more important than which movies or TV shows were more significant in a given timeframe. This site, and all the goofy diversions and serious contemplation, are a group of like-minded individuals, not a UN-nominated, Nobel Prize-awarded (that I know of) think tank charged with assessing cultural artifacts for objective value. It appears you have a particular beef with Sir Rowles. Good for you. Is it making a difference? Could it be he has bigger things in his life to deal with (wife, child, impending move) than to endlessly research and support his assertions in a (throwaway) review of a (throwaway) low-intellect action flick? Let's say just for the sake of argument that you're right - what difference will it make? I'm not aware of any medals being given out, and evidently Sir Rowles will do what he damn well pleases in spite/because of what is said here - and yet the page views keep on coming and people keep contributing, and by and large agreeing or not without resorting to self-described "dick"-ish behaviour.

So by all means, Kicky, continue tilting at those Dustin-shaped windmills. I've got a weekend to prepare for, and thanks to this review, I can reasonably expect Wanted to fit right in with what I've got planned, which is what I came here for.

Posted by: lordhelmet at June 27, 2008 5:48 PM

Niiiiice, stealing a line in your opening paragraph from a worn out phrase popularized by Tracey Morgan a few years ago.

Honestly, Angelina Jolie acting tough with guns? BEEN THERE DONE THAT NEXT PLEASE

I'm completely uninterested.

Posted by: Holly at June 27, 2008 5:52 PM

Following a dream last night wherein dear Ed Norton fucked my brains out, leading to a decidedly bothered and male-centric day - this seems like an excellent way to end things.

Posted by: Jams at June 27, 2008 5:53 PM

It looked derivative but delicious, so i'm glad to hear you think it delivers delightfully.

Posted by: tajmc at June 27, 2008 5:53 PM

Gotta love 500+ words spent in a single post to say "I don't care."

Posted by: Sirkickyass at June 27, 2008 5:55 PM

I really thought I was too good for this movie, but I'm slowly becoming convinced that in the next few days we're going to end up together in a darkened movie theatre. About ninety minutes later I'll walk out sweaty, ashamed, and deeply satisfied, hoping I don't run into anyone I know.

What really sealed the deal was reading this morning's Times and seeing that Manohla Dargis hated it. That's the Good Housekeeping seal of quality cinema.

Posted by: Mr. Atoz at June 27, 2008 6:00 PM

JP: I didn't even attempt a "best of the Clinton era" list. I just pointed out that a loose off-the-cuff shot from a single year could in all likelihood supply at least one movie to beat out Dustin's self-described "inarguable" list.

If I had to pick three without doing any research whatsoever and just going off the top of my brain it would probably be "Schindler's List" "Pulp Fiction" and "American History X."

While one could debate what the 3 best movies were forever I think it can be conclusively established that not only is Dustin's list not "inarguable" but it is probably objectively "wrong."

That being said, a good argument could be made those were the most "fun" movies. That also would not be inarguable however.

Posted by: Sirkickyass at June 27, 2008 6:01 PM

Dustin, you are such a slut.

Posted by: greer at June 27, 2008 6:03 PM

Well I'm sure there's no need for Njal's saga again.

Posted by: Jay at June 27, 2008 6:07 PM

*clap, clap, clap*

Nicely put, lordhelmet!

sirkickyass, dude, if you perceive a decline in your enjoyment of what's to be found on Pajiba, that's fine. Unless...is someone forcing you to continue reading it? 'Cause that's just not cool--it's a free interweb, and you shouldn't be forced into reading stuff you don't like.

Saying there's been "a decline in the quality provided by Pajiba" is pretty subjective, right? Just because the content no longer tickles your fancy, doesn't mean it's gone down the tubes. Yeesh.

Posted by: MO(meaux) at June 27, 2008 6:09 PM

meaux you minx, get out there (or over here!) and enjoy your weekend, Godtopusdarnit! Thanks for the props and I agree with you completely. Nicely put yourself, eh!

Sirkicky, consider it a mark of my regard for you that you got 500+ words rather than a terse 3. I figured you deserved a thorough response after which little more need be said. I wish you well, and a good weekend to you, too.

Posted by: lordhelmet at June 27, 2008 6:20 PM

Before I even read this review (and from what I can gleam, be bitterly angered by certain comments), I have to say that I already seen it, and I loved it.

Also, is it just me, or (for those who have seen it) does anyone else really like hearing Morgan Freeman curse? His voice has such gravitas, regular old swear words sound like divine proclamations of hatred coming from him.

Forget Sam Jackson. I want to hear hear Freeman call folks "motherfucker" over and over again.

Posted by: Vermillion at June 27, 2008 6:27 PM

His voice has such gravitas, regular old swear words sound like divine proclamations of hatred coming from him.

Hahaha...that's actually really awesome. I've never heard him curse, but I can just imagine it now.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 27, 2008 6:36 PM

I'll wait for Blu-Ray.

Posted by: FourKings at June 27, 2008 6:37 PM

Anything Milla Jovovich is in kicks ass by default. Yes, I said it.

I'm still waiting for Jessica Biel to find her inner bad-ass self, again.

Great review.

Posted by: Meander at June 27, 2008 6:45 PM

I'm sorry, lordhelmet, for I truly enjoy your writing and have no dog in this fight myself, but Sicky seems to be winning this debate. MO, you're always great to read too, but you shouldn't have to be reminded that this IS a "scathing" site for "bitchy" people. Or are only certain ones allowed to express an opinion?

Nonetheless, I hope ALL you have a great weekend and forget this crap, the night's an embryo, peeps!

Posted by: TMax at June 27, 2008 6:56 PM

i saw this in an advance preview wednesday night and spent two hours squealing in pure joy. im a mahoosive Timur fan, Night and Day Watch are amongst my favourite movies and Wanted is sure as shit ognna make people understand why


excellent film, i could even overlook fucking Jolie being in it and just love the whole damn thing end to end

Posted by: nadine at June 27, 2008 6:57 PM

"land of partitions and expense reports"

Fuck, I hate my job. Fuck, I'm glad that it's Friday, and there's a pseudo-long Canada Day weekend ahead. Fuck, I hope that someone recruits me to be an assassin on my way out of my local pharmacy, which also serves as a meth dispensary for the neighbourhood recovering addicts.

And most of all, fuck expense reports.

Posted by: wicker at June 27, 2008 6:58 PM

Sarcasm all the way; I bet it sucks big ones.

Posted by: Donut Breath at June 27, 2008 7:10 PM

Sirkicky is an obvious provocateur with the added irritant of loving to pat himself on the back.

And TMax...you're a fucking windbag. Most of your posts are so long that people won't read them; do you realize that? Employ a little self-editing, for gods' sake.

Until your posts don't regularly fill a computer screen and then some, I'll be skipping them, along with kicky-boy's.

Posted by: Jerce at June 27, 2008 7:16 PM

TMax, it's nice to be appreciated, thanks for the kind words. I believe Kicky will appear to be winning this debate for a while to come because a) Sir Rowles will continually fail to measure up to Kicky's standards; b) Kicky will continue weighing in and pissing people off, intentionally or not; and c) a growing number will decline to engage him. Perhaps if there were to be a duel between Kicky and Sir Rowles to sort this out once and for all, there might be peace. I for one have no quarrel with the Kickster expressing his opinion about the absence of "scathing" or "bitchy" but I have no obligation to endlessly argue trivialities about objective quality or excellence of a given item or lack thereof. I think the ever-charming meaux was merely pointing out that Pajiba no longer meets Kicky's subjective tastes or personal objective criteria, and that continued reading would be an exercise in frustration, in no way suggesting he should remain silent (although some undoubtedly would take that as a kindness).

Now, tonight ladyhelmet and I have plans, and I'm going to enjoy this anomalously long, sunny weekend as much as I can. My rare but overpowering ebullience has inhibited my snark for now, so a good weekend to all, and to all, gesundheit!

PS - Jerce, your first line is quite perceptive. The rest maintains the highest standards of decorum and civility. Thank you.

Posted by: lordhelmet at June 27, 2008 7:20 PM

Hahaha...that's actually really awesome. I've never heard him curse, but I can just imagine it now.

It truly is. Hold on a sec, Shadows, something I have to take care of....

As for the return of a certain commenter, I have to say that he has pretty much blown up his own argument.

Now, his whole point during the VM debacle was that the Pajibans were not looking at the choices objectively. That they were picking personal favorites over shows that had more of a cultural impact or whatnot. Now he wishes to make the same argument here, and say that the three movies Dustin mentioned should not be considered part of the best movies of the Clinton era.

But he messed up. How? The Matrix.

This fellow is actually arguing, with supposed complete objectivity, that The motherfucking Matrix did not have as much of a significant impact on cinema, pop culture, or anything else than what....Shawshank Redemption?

Listen, I liked Shawshank as much as anyone, but I am not about to argue that somehow, someway, The motherfucking Matrix didn't make as much, if not more, of an impact as that movie. The motherfucking Matrix basically rewrote (or reestablished) all the rules of American action movies. It was the highest grossing R-rated movie at the time, and for a while since. Many could say that there hadn't been a bigger impact in cinema since a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. And can anyone think of any movies that were blatant ripoffs of Hoop Dreams? I can't, but I can certainly find some for The motherfucking Matrix.

Is it a particularly good movie now? Somewhat. Does it have fully developed characterization, a sensible plot, or any real drama? Not that I could find. Is it my favorite? Not really. Do I care if anyone else doesn't like it? Nope. Did it really stay fresh after nine years? Hoo-boy, don't count on it too much. Did it even generate decent sequels? You have got to be kidding. Does it deserve a slot as one of the best movies of the Clinton era? Absolutely.

But this guy, the one who claims himself as a "dick", yet somehow expects to be treated as if he is actually saying something important, wants to argue that it isn't.

The motherfucking Matrix.

This only proves that he doesn't give one whit about objectivity, in Dustin, Pajiba, or anyone else, most of all himself. The best thing he can hold against the movie is that is it aging poorly? This is of course HIS expert analysis, instead of any real quantifiable data.

So feel free to agree with him. I have no issue with that. What I have an issue with is this attitude that somehow he is making a valid argument, when in fact he is just picking on those who don't kowtow to his way of thinking. Saying someone isn't "redeemable" means 1) that something is wrong with them; 2) that something is right with you; and 3) that because they are different, you feel as if you must change them, or they will suffer. There is no regard for others intelligence or feelings. Just because he doesn't swear or reference inside jokes, it doesn't mean that he isn't insulting folks and it doesn't mean that somehow his argument has more credibility.

This is all I am going to say on the matter. He can put up his response if he wants, but I will not be speaking about it anymore. If anyone feels that I am somehow being stubborn, or unfair, because I don't want to continue saying the same thing over and over again to some self-confessed dick who can't take a guy gushing about a movie on HIS OWN WEBSITE, then here is what I say to you, and you can consider this uncouth or mean or what-have-you:

Blow.
It.
Out.
Your.
Ass.

...where was I? Oh yes. Dude, hearing Freeman curse is like...the last thing you hear after slapping God. You just know the man is pissed, and you are probably going to die afterwards.

Oh, and Jerce, please don't think less of me for such a long comment. I will try to be more concise next time.

Posted by: Vermillion at June 27, 2008 7:21 PM

Shadows, baby, I thought you would have seen those $$$ and MF's pic on my ass in your video the other night. BTW, I am up for a movie date. I am going to a surprise party tonite, for which I baked a spice cake roll, with 2/3 cup spiced rum, and 1/3 cup Kahlua in the batter. After that, or tomorrow, I am SO up for some asskickery. Just call me. You know how to find me.....

Posted by: dammitjanet at June 27, 2008 7:27 PM

Are you fucking joking me?
Are there actually people who think BRAVEHEART is an awesome movie (let alone "best of the 90's")? Or that Schindler's List is "one of the best movies of the 90's"?

Must be trolls out for jokes...

Posted by: ? at June 27, 2008 7:29 PM

Angelina Jolie in this movie is so sexy that she makes everything around her sexier just by being there. Including reviewers. I swear, after I read that Ebert review I was ready to take that cushin' for the pushin'!

Posted by: Brooke at June 27, 2008 7:34 PM

Who will sit and dissect it with me over dinner in terms of moral and ethical themes and then get into a debate over whether Millar's writing style was really any good in the first place?

"No. Millar's crap."
"Yeah, I got to agree with you."
"...so how 'bout this salad, huh?"

Posted by: mightygodking at June 27, 2008 7:48 PM

Another favorite tactic: The long scathing response ended with "and I will not listen to any responses." ALWAYS the sign of someone interested in real debate. Especially when coupled with a nice "blow it out your ass."

Fox News viewer eh?

Anyways, the point is merely that the statement that those three movies are "inarguably" the best films of the Clinton era has little or nothing to do with the Matrix as a quality film. Analyzed in chunks my argument can be stated as follows.

1. The movies that Dustin picked are quintessentially movies that a 15 year old Dungeons and Dragons player would love. At a minimum Office Space, Fight Club, and the Matrix scream "Freshman Year college posters."

2. The idea that the list is "inarguable" is laughable because any number of other films could be supported in their place. I listed a handful off the top of my head with little research.

3. Dustin's list is probably better characterized as a "most fun" list, and even then it still wouldn't be "inarguable."

4. That such statements are made indicates a lack of quality in the reviewer.

To be honest I fail to understand why this is even controversial.

Vermillion only talks about the Matrix. One could make an argument for that movie individually. I merely said that it aged poorly and I don't think it's a particularly strong candidate. Given the number of movies that have imitated it since and the prolific use of "bullet time" style effects it has a dog in the fight. Since other movies with similar reputations for being similarly copied endlessly have dogs in the fight however (notably Pulp Fiction or The Usual Suspects) I don't think the Matrix's inclusion is "inarguable." Hell, no list of 3 could ever be "inarguable" because of the sheer number of great films that would be excluded.

Vermillion also betrays that he never participated in any argument or logic classes by first changing the scope of the argument from failing to recognize that in order to win that my criticism is valid I don't have to prove that the Matrix specifically shouldn't be included, I just have to prove that any of the three should arguably be excluded in favor of another film. Hell, I only have to prove that there could be an argument in favor of another film. As a result a long rant about the Matrix does dick to respond. Furthermore, I only have to win that there is a reasonable debate to be had on the issue in order to prove that saying that the three movie list is "inarguable" is simply comical.

My statement that Dustin Rowles isn't "redeemable", apart from Vermillion's bizarrely exclusively genocide-justifying interpretation, is merely meant to indicate that as a reviewer he has currently lost any sight of the larger context of movies. Combined with a number of other silly statements in his reviews it appears that he has essentially zero chance of being a movie critic that can be taken seriously.

I also love the argument of "if you don't like it then just shut up about it." Apparently there is no room for dissent on Pajiba. And all this time I thought this would be a crowd of Democrats.

Finally, I concede that I'm a dick because I realize that scathingly pointing out large flaws in things people spend time on will ALWAYS engender at least some negative reaction. Such an acknowledgement is a recognition that I will inevitably draw a negative reaction. All that being said, if you think you're somehow not a dick when running around telling people to "blow it out your ass" I think you're deluding yourself. I'm willing to shine a light on myself and find myself less than perfect personally, however those going straight for personal insults instead of actually examining my criticism seem unable to do the same with regard to themselves.

I don't really care about people calling me a dick or other names, I just think you all should be aware that you're ceding any sort of moral highground to call me a troll or whatever when you do so.

Posted by: Sirkickyass at June 27, 2008 7:59 PM

Niiiiice, stealing a line in your opening paragraph from a worn out phrase popularized by Tracey Morgan a few years ago.

Honestly, Angelina Jolie acting tough with guns? BEEN THERE DONE THAT NEXT PLEASE

I'm completely uninterested.


Holly, don't mean to call you out, but if you're completely uninterested, why the fuck are you reading Dustin's review?

Also, Angelina Jolie is not the only person is this movie or the major selling point imo. Theyjust latched onto that shit cos well, she's Angelina Jolie and she's sorta hot.

But seriously, give this movie a chance cos it's always nice to see a somewhat serious actor (McAvoy) do an action flick. Also, motherfucking Morgan Freeman, hello? He's the king, which is why i forgave him for The Bucket List. Everybody's got bills, y'all.

AND like Dustin pointed out this is Timur Bek(insert rest of russian name) first english language movie! Night Watch and Day Watch were the best selling Russian movies of like all time. His involvement, sorta big deal for any film lover or scifi/action enthusiast.

Nuttin but love, just needed to be said.

Posted by: Teresa at June 27, 2008 8:00 PM

I was all pumped for this movie. I love a good action movie (and am quite in love w/Jason Bourne) but I was so disapointed. I totally get the Office Space/Matrix/Fight Club influence, but just kind of found it unoriginal and grating (esp. the Ikea reference). Also, the cuts and edits were so quick in the action scenes, like just showing us quick shots of cars crashing and bullets flying will tell the story. Again, spoiled by Bourne. And McAvoy clearly hasn't mastered the American accent. I don't know. I was just bummed. Call it "anticapointment".

Posted by: Ms. Such at June 27, 2008 8:07 PM

considering the film wanted is based on a superb graphic novel, and that it doesnt follow any of the original story except for the nobody-corporate-peon-turned-assassin, it better be damned good.

Posted by: kaishakuninj at June 27, 2008 8:27 PM

I don't know, but aren't there Dodge Vipers in this movie? Viper + Angelina = PURE SEX. So I guess you could say I wouldn't mind seeing this.

And also, this comment section is awesome. Just sayin'.

Posted by: Gabs at June 27, 2008 8:47 PM

I KNEW IT!

All the signs pointed to this being a braindead summer action flick (which I still would have eagerly enjoyed, but STILL) until, until, UNTIL I saw McAvoy's face.

The man has standards. He's starred in four of my very favorite movies of the last five years, and not a single brain-dead clunker among them (even Penelope, despite what the ignorant masses on RT say).

I CANNOT WAIT to see this tomorrow night.

Posted by: Roads at June 27, 2008 8:53 PM

I was secretly hoping that this movie would be a success, oh not because of Freeman or McAvoy whom I both adore dearly. But because it would prove that all you sons of bitches would so easily bow down and kiss the anorexic ass of Angelina Jolie. I have held my tongue long enough, I can no longer turn a blind eye to the hypocrisy that goes on in this polluted blog and in Hollywood. I have tried to enjoy this simple fare that this blog has served, but like Hollywood it is empty.

Posted by: Pookie at June 27, 2008 9:05 PM

I just want to fuck James McAvoy.

Posted by: Cady at June 27, 2008 9:18 PM

***Fair warning: my sister moved into her first big girl house (she has a mortgage! Squee!) and I've been celebratin'.

Sirkickyass, shut the fuck up. I'm too buzzed to put that eloquently, so just shut your cakehole. Go away.

I have lusted after McAvoy since Atonement. I'd do him. Right now.

I'm seeing this film ASAP. Hopefully with my Servo.

Pookster, sweetie, this isn't a blog.

Posted by: Nicole at June 27, 2008 9:23 PM

Pookie, you goin' all Gloria Swanson on us?

"...It's the pictures that got small..."

Posted by: TMax at June 27, 2008 9:56 PM

Just got back from a theater that had a new-born in it...I kid you not.

And holy crap is Office Space and Fight Club dead one....GREAT movie!

Posted by: Luke at June 27, 2008 10:03 PM

Dustin, this is the only time I think I've ever disagreed with you. And how.

I just got back from seeing this movie. I think Jolie was at her least sexy, the nonsensicalness of the Loom of Fate can INDEED be questioned between the action sequences, and the whole movie was just plain trying too damn hard.

However, I did see a wicked preview for the Dark Night at the beginning, so that, at least, was a plus.

Posted by: Kate at June 27, 2008 10:33 PM

Just saw this today and found it so disappointing. I kept imagining how much I'd enjoy it if it had great dialog written by someone like Joss Whedon instead of just the same old mediocrity. Not to mention the cliche twist at the end. I was so hoping it would be fun, but for me it fell flat.
Was also disturbed that a woman near us brought her preschooler to the movie. I can't think of something less appropriate for a 4-year-old.

Posted by: watoosa at June 27, 2008 10:39 PM

She must have accidentally stumbled in trying to find Wall-E. Or been a total bitch. Always a possibility.

Posted by: Emily at June 27, 2008 11:03 PM

Holly, don't mean to call you out, but if you're completely uninterested, why the fuck are you reading Dustin's review?

Since when do you have to be interested in a movie to read a review about it? Maybe to see if it is in fact worth interest?

Posted by: Wha? at June 27, 2008 11:38 PM

Holy junk.

I pop in to see what blew the comment thread into triple digits and discover it's a prolonged hissy fit over one man's opinion about the greatest films of the mid-to-late nineties.

C'mon on now, people. Simmer. Simmer.

Get out and have a beer and lay in the grass and watch the motherfucking fireflies.

Seriously.

Posted by: Alabamapink at June 27, 2008 11:51 PM

This movie sounds like .45 orgasm.

Some reviews and movies deserve close analysis and discussion, and consideration of how they might fit into cinematic canon. Some demand by castration of whoever made them; "_____ Movie." And some are event for wet hyperbolic sexual gushing, uninterrupted by (possibly legitmate) points about said hyperbole or the impossibility/legality of erotic acts. (moist)

This is a time for legs, zombies, alcohol and the Murdertank. Fuck the canon unless its exploding stuff. On that note, into the weekend.

Posted by: eskimomo at June 28, 2008 12:15 AM

Which is yet another reason why we all love you so much, Mrs. Pink!

Posted by: TMax at June 28, 2008 12:15 AM

Please let the last line of this review make it to the movie poster...

Posted by: adroy at June 28, 2008 1:06 AM

'Bama is right.

The only thing more unfortunate that Kickyass's tiresome, sanctimonious tirades are the fact that people keep rising to the bait.

Come on folks. You're smarter than that.

Posted by: TK at June 28, 2008 1:25 AM

this movie.
was the shit.
i mean, yeah, at some points it was predictable. and yeah, the previews made it seem like there would be more shirtless McAvoy (not enough, I tell you). But it was still a lot funnier than I thought it would be and it was just badass.

so whatever to all these naysayers. it was good. but now i'm about to go see wall-e.

Posted by: Rica at June 28, 2008 1:38 AM

FUCK ME. Wall-E was sold out (for good reason), so I got semi-roped into this.

I enjoyed it for the most part, acknowledged all the flaws but didn't care too much. A lot funnier than I thought it would be. The over-the-top-trying-too-hard sensation was like Shoot 'Em Up, but a lot better.

"Oh yes. Dude, hearing Freeman curse is like...the last thing you hear after slapping God. You just know the man is pissed, and you are probably going to die afterwards."

A terrific moment.

Posted by: Mick J at June 28, 2008 2:04 AM

wanted to see this flick, but not as much as "wall-e". but through circumstances, i wound up at this one.

it was good, very good (at least by my junk food standards). very glad dustin liked it...perhaps he can show the same leniency towards "hellboy 2".

i was impressed w/ mcavoy, but jolie looked like she needed to be taken to the nearest pizza hut and turned loose. and morgan freeman...well, at least he ain't playing the well-spoken, sage black man. his last scene in the movie was pure classic.

this flick was like "the matrix" convinced "shoot 'em up" to go to a methadone clinic. and the results were good.

Posted by: idiot dentist at June 28, 2008 2:11 AM

Not to take up for someone whose name I shall not reference, but why have a comment section if I'm not the one who gets to be scathing and bitchy every so often? What's wrong with a literary smack down when discussing cinema on this of all sites? I dont like the "just shut up" or "just dont come here" comments. I suppose it could work for Dustin. He could say, "I own this little space in the virtual world and you are not welcome. I refuse service to you..." But for the rest of us, if you think someone's a dick wad, I would propose that it is you who can simply scroll by the post and go about your business. Responses beget responses. Dustin's a big boy, and to his credit he does not engage in pissy arguments with pissy readers. I would suggest some of you do the same.
Now I liked Office Space. Was one of the 20 people who saw it in the Theater. But lets be real people, there is no fucking way that Office Space was "inarguably" one of the "three best movies" in any eight year period. With that said, the person who mocked my pick of Braveheart can suck my left nut. (its more sensitive than the right)

Posted by: JP at June 28, 2008 2:32 AM

I said the exact same thing as soon as it was over.

Posted by: Monica at June 28, 2008 2:33 AM

Wanted Kicks @ss Man!

Posted by: Joey Alizio Jr at June 28, 2008 4:32 AM

You McAvoy lusters have also seen "Children of Dune", right? Plenty shirtless, doncha know, but not also a half-animal.

(also, I'd say Dustin's "inarguably" was almost inarguably hyperbole.

Look at that, I just solved everyone's problem)

Posted by: Jay at June 28, 2008 12:09 PM

I must admit, I am shocked, SHOCKED!, that for a group of internet readers that prides itself on some level of sophistication the vast majority of responses completely fail to engage the premise of the argument in favor of not even thinly veiled ad hominem responses.

I thought this site was for college educated folk but apparently admissions standards have slipped.

I guess I'll just have to learn that on pajiba pointed criticism of the articles is simply not welcome. Instead let me submit what I suspect is the pajiba comment a fair number of viewers want to see.

"First!

Praise Godtopus! Dustin, you and your baby are soooooo cute. I lurve this review. Praise Pajiba. I will now have a drunken orgy."

Is that better?

Posted by: Sirkickyass at June 28, 2008 12:12 PM

*Yawn*

Posted by: TK at June 28, 2008 12:30 PM

"Sirkickyass, shut the fuck up. I'm too buzzed to put that eloquently, so just shut your cakehole. Go away."

Ah, don't even acknowledge that douche. He's one of those perplexing entities that can only feel happy when they are desperately picking fights.
Everyone else can be having a perfectly civil discussion even when disagreeing, but that's not quite unpleasant enough. Apparently there's quite an exciting prize to be won if you can be a deliberate asshole and get *noticed*? I'm guessing.

Posted by: Loob at June 28, 2008 12:38 PM

so I come here looking for help, help from my godtopus family and I feel like brittany murphy stacking the bed with roast chickens while dread locks sirkickyass is the one that gets all the attention! and yeah kicky I just called you angelina jolie, which might sound like a compliment but it's just gonna force you to make out with your brother (oh fake crazy angie, those were the days!).
Next year when you are gonna start thinking "wait a minute, where did james mcavoy end up? isn't his break from work supposed to be over?' the answer will be "my basement, reenacting with his fellow kidnapped wife anything from "Mal's son" to shakespeare to of corse wanted, and in my greatness I will also let them have sex every now and then as long as they do it like they do it in shameless.
also kickyass, u see, we all see this happening with pookie, u play the cool asshole that never breaks down but we will start tickling you until your broody face breaks down in a lovely laugh.I know deep inside you are just a little asshole puppy, but anyhow a puppy
just join the love man! let us tickle you!
and now i'm off to my austrian inspired plans.

Posted by: rio at June 28, 2008 1:07 PM

Why am I still hearing talking?

I told you I cleared this all up.

Still, the schtick of acting like it's understood that you're in a debate forum and the critic is your opponent is definitely novel in my experience. Anyone can be annoying, but it gets so samey and homogenized, like finding only chain stores when you travel and want something local and unique (don't wait until the last minute and pass by opportunities or you'll be disappointed with the options you have left for Memphis barbecue and London fish and chips).


Golly, what am I gonna do with you kids??

Posted by: Jay at June 28, 2008 1:50 PM

Rio, I think you should start taking your sobriety more serious.

Posted by: Pookie at June 28, 2008 1:50 PM

pookie you are pajiba's walter matthau. well ok my walter matthau, but still.
and I havent touch a glass of water in way to long for my liver to remember, when people ask me I just say I'm boycotting nestle.
love u pooks

Posted by: rio at June 28, 2008 3:21 PM

"He also delivers the best line in the entire film, a crowd-pleasing turn of phrase we've been waiting decades for him to deliver -- if you don't pump your fist, just a little, you're dead inside."


what does he say? spoil me please, I'm dying to know.

Posted by: anna at June 28, 2008 3:23 PM

Rio, I will not be used as a pawn in your sexual games.

Posted by: Pookie at June 28, 2008 3:41 PM

"I've always been relatively indifferent to Angelina Jolie ..."

I relatively loathe her myself. I wouldn't touch her with Brad Pitt's dick.

Um, not that I've ever touched Brad's dick.

Posted by: bucdaddy at June 28, 2008 4:34 PM

Um, as a newbie here I'd just like to say that movie was everything I expected. Just plain badassery with the warm tingly feeling between my legs. Also, I second whoever said that hearing Morgan Freeman curse was like seeing the face of God.

Posted by: Krish at June 28, 2008 5:00 PM

Jeez. It's summertime, people. Are y'all not getting laid or something? Or, uh, don't have regular access to porn to get some of the stress out? It's a movie. An action movie. A summertime, action movie, with a bit of Angelina Jolie ass thrown in for good measure (well, for me, at least). Chill.

I love both Angelina and McAvoy, and if this movie doesn't make McAvoy a bigger star, then I don't know what will. Gotta love the little scrappy Scots.

Also, hearing Morgan Freeman say "motherfucker" makes me wish he was in "Snakes on a Plane". Even just for one motherfucking second so I could hear him say "motherfucking" and "snakes" in the same sentence. Maybe he'll call Bruce Wayne a motherfucker in "The Dark Knight". Fingers crossed!

Posted by: em at June 28, 2008 6:15 PM

Guys, I've gotten some bad press lately, but I have a modest proposal - what do you say we give this Sirkickyass guy my kinda cliched sobriquet "He Who Must Not Be Named" (or HWMNBN for short)? Or maybe "You Know Who," with appropriate significant pauses and reluctance to discuss? Being as I got my ass handed to me by some bespectacled little punk, I figure I won't be needing those titles again until Rowling brings me back to support her retirement.

Just a thought,

V.

Posted by: Lord Voldemort at June 28, 2008 7:54 PM

What the fuck. I just skimmed the comment section, and has anyone actually seen the movie? All I see is pissing and moaning.

But anyway...

I flat-out loved this movie. And I love that you love it, Dustin.


P.S. I also love Angelina Jolie. That is all.

Posted by: monkey_b at June 28, 2008 7:57 PM

Rumor has it that the aforementioned "Angelina Jolie ass" is, in fact, a body double.

Personally, I think BDs should be illegal. Do the nude scene or not but cut out this subterfuge bs.

Posted by: bartap74 at June 28, 2008 8:34 PM

Maybe save a thousand? Did Rove, Rumsfeld, and Cheney make this movie? Isn't this the justification for our war on Iraq?

My usual sycophant-ia aside, I disagree with the review...I thought the movie was a poor imitation of the Matrix (the first one)...I was not engaged by the story and laughed frequently at the absurdity of it all...as well as the obvious plot devices and poor use of music (in several key scenes). There were some good action sequences and both of the leads were attractive, but otherwise it was not worth the first run admission price...but few movies are. I'll go back to worshiping at the Pajiba at some later date.

Posted by: anikitty at June 28, 2008 9:18 PM

Maybe save a thousand? Did Rove, Rumsfeld, and Cheney make this movie? Isn't this the justification for our war on Iraq?

No, it was to fight them over there, so we wouldn't have to fight them here.

...No, wait, it was to spread freedom and democracy through an unstable region.

...Crap, I meant to say it was to stop a power-mad dictator from continuing his state-sponsored terrorism.

...Wait, it was so we could put a boot in their ass. It's the American way.

...wasn't there something about cake being an issue?

Thing is, they used so many ridiculous reasons, are you really that shocked to see one in an action movie? And considering the result, I don't think they got the gist of that reasoning particularly well.

Posted by: Vermillion at June 28, 2008 9:40 PM

Hope you guys are cool with this.

Posted by: Stew at June 28, 2008 11:02 PM

I saw Wanted yesterday. This movie is easily summed up as a bunch of nicked ideas and images -- all of them from much better films -- assembled by committee into one big lame moneygrab. Every premise and stylistic element of this movie has been put to better use elsewhere, and it was clear to me from the opening narration that the studio machine that assembled Wanted had absolutely no understanding of what made those ideas work in other movies.

Posted by: dorkenheimer at June 29, 2008 4:50 AM

I wasn't shocked by the justification just annoyed. Overall I was disappointed in the film given the slobbering review. I wonder if this will be a movie that in a few years, on second viewing, people who loved it wonder why (aside from Jolie's backside) because it's been done better elsewhere.

Posted by: anikitty at June 29, 2008 10:00 AM

This movie gave me orgasmic pleasure, Dustin is spot on.

Screw all the morlistic hobos, this movie is steeped deep in geek culture. This is the bread and butter of all hyper-kentic, viscerally charged action oriented mayhem.

Go See This...come home and jack-off!

Posted by: Jay at June 29, 2008 2:38 PM

"Wanted" for lack a better word was wanting. The acting was good. The plot ok. But the bullet time stuff was overused and the action sequences were a bore. There were funny moments, mostly when the film focused on Wesley's former life. But other than that, the film treated me to reheated leftovers from many other movies. And the hazing stuff was a chore to watch, repetitive and tedious to say the least.

Glad I got in for free. But the opportunity cost of seeing the film ... well I can never get that back.

Posted by: Mr.West at June 29, 2008 3:38 PM

Well, it was certainly a good fuck. Not anything I'd pursue as a long-term relationship, but it was a fantasy one-night-stand.
So I guess even the ideal fling would still lack soul.

Posted by: mfg at June 29, 2008 5:56 PM

I don´t know how I am going to survive this movie considering my endless fascination with all things Angelina Jolie.

I am scared...and I like the feeling.

Posted by: goldend at June 29, 2008 6:34 PM

You know, this movie electrified me, but it did actually stir up the guilty end of mixed feelings toward stylized violence in action films. This movie directly glorifies violence; take control of your life - kill bitches!

I donno, maybe I'm just a "pussy."

Posted by: Nathan at June 29, 2008 6:35 PM

Touche, Tmax, I certainly can't (and didn't mean to) argue that one person's opinion is any more or less valid than any other's.

Except my own, of course. Mine's always more valid.

And by the by, I find you comments quite enjoyable as well--particularly the semi-coherent, alcohol-fueled ones! *heehee*

And speaking of alcohol-fueled, now back to my long weekend. Cheers!

Posted by: MO(meaux) at June 29, 2008 7:04 PM

I want to fuck James McAvoy. Especially shirtless and dripping wet. That was way better than Angelina Jolie's ass.

Oh, yes, the movie was preposterous, largely ripped off from 'Equilibrium', and still pretty damn cool. Sometimes violent cinematic catharsis of a crappy day is just as good as brain food.

Posted by: Kris at June 29, 2008 9:07 PM

It was directed by the guy who did Night Watch?

I'M GOING TOMORROW!

Posted by: Christ at June 30, 2008 12:48 AM

I never thought I was interested.....and I am not.

Posted by: Blanche at June 30, 2008 11:39 AM

I don't need intense character development in an action flick (Crank is my favorite action movie in YEARS), but this thing was severely lacking. I felt nothing for McAvoy's character. There was nothing exciting about any of the action sequences. And am I still supposed to get excited about repetitive training sequence montages? Your accuracy rate is at 98.5% now Pajiba. Frankly, I'm stunned.

Posted by: jonathan at June 30, 2008 12:56 PM

I can't watch anything with Jolie shooting a gun simply because there is NO WAY IN HELL she's shooting anything but blanks with those matchstick arms. I am pushed too hard to suspend my disbelief--I own a 357 and know what the kickback is like on a handgun.

Oh, and her lips on the big screen scare the hell out of me.

Posted by: NeoCleo at June 30, 2008 12:59 PM

AJ's lips will never scare me! Not even on the big screen. I don't want to think, I don't want to see Ange in a "respectable" role to impress another orphan and I don't want to see Morgan Freeman being a "credit to his race"/voice over/God. I just want my eyes to be assualted Timur Bekmambetov. I mean "I Want To Fuck This Movie"...more like I want this movie to fuck me and not call back.

Posted by: C Stars at July 1, 2008 8:27 AM

Nice review!

Posted by: Derek Haas at July 1, 2008 9:41 AM

Am I the only person who can't get their head wrapped around the notion of a 1,65 lilly-white-no-upper-body-strenght-in-sight Scot being Angelina Jolie's partner in crime and Alpha male badass?

Posted by: Irina at July 2, 2008 4:45 AM

Damn that's some review man. If you really think about it though, plot be damn, impracticality be damn. This movie is laughing at itself tongue in cheek while kicking ass. The part about the loom should have been your first clue that it's not taking itself seriously. It's almost like they're sending the audience a wink wink lol.

Posted by: Jaye at July 2, 2008 6:57 PM

it was ok.

It was kind of entertaining, but nothing great. and some of it was ridiculous. I love James, I hated his american accent. The plot twist was super obvious.

But I saw the preview for HellBoy 2!!! The art in it looks amazing! Man I hope it doesnt suck!

Posted by: lea at July 3, 2008 1:35 PM

an orgy of bullets, blood, and toned flesh that will break open your anal capillaries like a Crisco-free Saturday night up on Brokeback.

--this is disgusting, dumb and not funny

Posted by: Plobes at July 3, 2008 3:39 PM

I agree, Plobes. It's unworthy of this site.
And kind of excrutiatingly stale, also. What year is this?
Sorry D, not your A-game.

Posted by: Loob at July 4, 2008 3:48 AM

Did anyone else catch the Vonnegut homage, with Sloan playing Cat's cradle by the window?

Posted by: Moi at July 5, 2008 2:26 PM

I loved it. Great fun. Angelina Jolie. Guns. Morgan Freeman swears.

Every one makes the obvious observation, Office Space, meets Fight Club, meets the Matrix. You're forgetting The Empire Strikes Back. I kept thinking about Luke and Yoda Jedi training... and *** SPOILER ALERT *** SPOILER ALERT *** the whole "I AM YOUR FATHER..." thing.

Throw in a little of The Crow at the end.

The whole Loom thing was pretty lame though.

I'd watch Angelina Jolie do dishes. Although, while pregnant, Selma Hyek (sp?) tops my "I'd kill you if she asked me to." list.

Posted by: Bill M at July 5, 2008 11:42 PM

this movie, to sum it up in two words, was BLOODY SEX. seriously. there was a sequence where james mcavoy smashed a guy in the face with a keyboard and as the poor schmuck's tooth was flying out of his mouth in slo-mo, i actually felt a lightning bolt shoot through my vagina.
not to mention the fact that if i had to go lez for anyone in the world, it would be angelina jolie.

Posted by: kate at July 6, 2008 4:23 AM

Really?

I thought the whole thing was a bucketfull of fail...

Posted by: hop3 at July 6, 2008 2:08 PM

This movie blows. Jolie is so worthless it is unreal. She had like 12 lines. How did she even audition for this role. "Okay just stand there and purse your lips - great do you think you can do that for two hours?" Fucking awful. This movie had better actors - besides Jolie - and as a whole was NO better than Hitman, Shoot Em Up, etc. Freeman's character just reminded me of the same guy he played in Slevin - which to me was a much more enjoyable film that at least attempted to develop its characters.

Posted by: soda at July 7, 2008 8:05 AM

Epic fail. Listening to McAvoy trying to rehash Ed Norton's lines from Fight Club was so uncomfortable. The loom of fate was f'n ridiculous, and SPOILER come on, exploding rats was all it took to take down "the greatest assassins of all time?" Hearing Morgan Freeman swear was the only decent part, and it came far too late. Dustin, don't get me wrong. I really like a good action flick. But go see Bourne Ultimatum again and see what a movie you'd want to fuck really looks like. This was crap.

Posted by: stormer at July 7, 2008 10:56 AM

Ugh-

The only time i've disagreed with you Dustin. Its nice to know you're human.

This movie was an absolute mess.

Posted by: tajmc at July 7, 2008 4:38 PM

just saw the movie. absolutely agree. I WANT TO FUCK THIS MOVIE.

Posted by: melig at July 9, 2008 11:50 PM

If this movie is the baby of Office Space and Fight Club, then it is it's deformed, retarded tragedy.

Posted by: Brenda Willis at July 12, 2008 7:34 PM

Why does it feel like the screenplay was written by some 17-year old wannabe gangsta. I saw this flick and walked out regretting I ever walked in. McAvoy's character isn't consistent and it seems he's got shit for brains. American Pie meets sin city. I got the same message out of this film as I did office space. What's sad about Wanted is they went so far over-the-top compared to office space for a message that was just.. meh. Ya I get it, if you're miserable at work find a better job, and if you assassinate for a living, find a better living. Do all action flicks have to be mindless? With all the action flick craze this summer, I think I've had my fill. Something to stimulate the mind please.

Posted by: Jonathan at July 14, 2008 5:01 AM

After all, Iron Man is a movie you can make love to, but Wanted is a movie you're gonna wanna fuck, with a cock ring, on top of a fast-moving train.

I don't think I could have summed up any better the happiness-in-the-pants that is this movie.

Practically everyone in this movie is extremely fuckable. (Hello, Mr. Freeman!) The stunts are so dazzling to the eyes and the senses that your brain doesn't have time to think the thought, "Physics?!"

It starts with a basic premise: 1000 years ago, weavers found this Loom of Doom that speaks to them in binary code, and they started an assassin club. Only the beautiful and deadly are admitted. And the big guy with the knives.

And then it just explodes with awesome!

If you're going to see it--bring some Depends. Trust me.

Posted by: angie at July 24, 2008 1:37 PM

Sorry for the late comment, but this movie (pre-movie) merited exactly one dollar.

And afterwards? Maybe 50 cents. I spent the whole movie trying to decide whether it was supposed to be a farce. "I am your father"? The LOOM of FATE? That whole speech at the end, with the triumphant, "I did kissy times with Angelina and plowed a pointy thing through a dude's heart in slow motion, what the fuck have you done lately"?

Well, Macavoy (you sexy, weirdly shiny man, you) - at least my (admittedly more boring) decisions weren't dictated by a. giant. loom.

Posted by: razz at August 16, 2008 10:14 PM