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Everyone’s a Little Queer/ Can’t She Be a Little Straight?

Vicky Cristina Barcelona / John Williams

Film Reviews | August 18, 2008 | Comments (86)

There’s a great scene in Woody Allen’s Annie Hall, a flashback that shows a young Annie talking to a spacey actor at a party. “Acting is like an exploration of the soul,” he opines. “It’s very religious, like a kind of liberating consciousness. It’s like a visual poem.” He then slumps toward the floor and says, “Touch my heart … with your foot.” Allen’s latest, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, is a closer examination of a guy like that and the women who love him.

Juan Antonio (Javier Bardem), a Spanish painter, is certainly a looker, but from the moment he approaches two American tourists, friends Vicky (Rebecca Hall) and Cristina (Scarlett Johansson), and recommends they join him in a remote town for a weekend threesome, it’s clear that he’s also a cheeseball. His pitch — that life is short, that beauty shouldn’t be wasted, that conventional morality is boring, etc. — is a collection of paper-thin clichés to cover the pursuit of his own pleasure. (Later on, he tells Vicky that his father, a poet, is mad at humanity because, after so many centuries of civilization, we still haven’t learned to love. Yeah, he’s one of those guys.) This initial invitation easily unlocks Cristina, a perpetually dissatisfied emotional roller coaster who’s in Spain to forget her most recent flame and get some pleasure of her own. Vicky, a practical type with a reliable and dull fiancé waiting back in the U.S., is in Spain to do cultural research. She agrees to go along, only to watch after Cristina.

In an unsurprising, but well handled, turn of events, Vicky ends up falling for Juan Antonio, but it’s Cristina with whom the artist embarks on a passionate affair. Allen has been merciful in keeping his love for Johansson vicarious — God forbid they ever kiss on screen. But casting her at all is getting tiresome. Her pinup qualities remain abundantly clear, but her acting chops have not kept pace with her curves. It’s true that her vacant expressions fit the plot, in which Juan Antonio has more complex feelings for the more complex Vicky. Still, Allen would do well to search for a more gifted muse.

Hall is very good as Vicky, and just as much the lead as anyone else, so it’s easy to feel bad for her having been crowded off the movie’s poster by the three bigger stars — Bardem, Johansson and Penélope Cruz. More than halfway through the movie, Cruz still hasn’t shown up, but when she does, as Juan Antonio’s ex-wife, Marie Elena, she’s incendiary. She’s recently attempted suicide, and comes to stay with Juan Antonio and Cristina, sparking a three-way relationship. Vicky Cristina Barcelona often feels more Almodóvar than Woody, and never more than when Cruz is owning the screen with crazy-hilarious-sad-bilingual outbursts. It’s a performance worthy of an Oscar nomination.

At 72, Allen appears to have persevered past an embarrassing stage. He’s not making great movies anymore, but he’s cranking out enjoyable diversions. And it’s nice to see him continue the recent trend of lavishing his attention on great cities outside New York. Vicky’s romantic awakening at the hands of a transparent lothario like Juan Antonio is pat, but the performances are strong enough to make up for the character arcs. An omniscient voice-over throughout threatens to send Barcelona off the rails by mostly repeating things we easily learn by watching the action. (The technique should really require committee approval at this point.) The movie is saved by Bardem’s charisma, Cruz’s riveting turn, and just enough romantic philosophy to kick-start spirited debate about what we talk about when we talk about love.

John Williams lives in Brooklyn. He’s a freelance writer. He blogs at A Special Way of Being Afraid.


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Comments

Props on the title. Fucking great lyric. Now I read the review.

Posted by: the_wakeful (in Flag) at August 18, 2008 2:48 PM

I really enjoyed this film. Great review, John! By no means is it Woody Allen's best, but it's good nevertheless. I would have like to see someone other than Scarlet Johanson in the role, though.

Posted by: Conrad (last name withheld) at August 18, 2008 2:53 PM

uhm, Mr. Williams, aren't you forgetting something? the little matter of a special Cruz-Johansson scene (scenes? oh please, godtopus) that i'm sure i'm not the only one here that is interested in finding out more details about (ahem PissBoy?).

is there anything worth seeing or are my fantasies better than the movie version?

Posted by: causaubon at August 18, 2008 2:55 PM

...Aaand...I won't be watching it. I still love that song though.

I'm dumb, she's a lesbian. I thought I had found the one.

We were good as married in my mind, but married in my mind's no good.

Posted by: the_wakeful (in Flag) at August 18, 2008 2:55 PM

Good review. I completely agree on the voiceover, which practically ruined the movie - and I also agree on the possible Oscar nod for Cruz.

All in all I found this an enjoyable movie. I liked that we never had to see a particularly smarmy side of Juan; it's almost as if he believed his own shtick.

Posted by: Cindy at August 18, 2008 2:56 PM

Goddamn fucking HTML, not bending to my will. I will destroy you!

Posted by: the_wakeful (in Flag) at August 18, 2008 2:58 PM

Great review!

Vicky Cristina Barcelona often feels more Almodóvar than Woody...

That makes it worthy of a rental. That and of course, Mr. Bardem. Oh my flaming loins what I would do to that man. And let him do to me. And let people watch.

Posted by: Julie at August 18, 2008 3:02 PM

Okay, this might be slightly interesting to watch...but I cannot STAND Penelope Cruz. She is so incredibly ugly it gives me hives to look at her. How is she such a darling in movies? Why wasn't she cast as the horse they ride off on? At least Scarlet has a body, and curves, and those lips...

Whoa...sorry, got off-track there. Regardless, it does sound interesting, and I guess I could suffer through some of Cruz's crappy spanglish for Woody (seriously, she's making us look bad. Learn fucking English already. It only took my mom three years to).

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at August 18, 2008 3:04 PM

VCB is the first time in a LONG time that I've found myself smiling throughout a Woody film. It was light and airy and picturesque and a welcome reprieve from the mind-numbing, knuckle-whitening blockbusters of the summer.

The performances were all stellar, even including ScarJo, who I generally couldn't find any less appealing. Cruz was amazing, and even though I bat for the other team, I found myself longing for one romp in the hay with Marie Elena. It seems like it would be the kind of sex that you'd need to name afterward, ala Dorothy in the series finale of "The Golden Girls."

So you have to give it to Woody. If he can make a tried and true queen start to wonder about the mysteries of the hot pocket, he must still have something up his sleeve.

Posted by: Shane at August 18, 2008 3:04 PM

Is it sad that I read this review because of the Weezer lyric? Sounds interesting. I prefer Cruz over ScarJo, something about her in All the Pretty Horses just sticks with me, even though I think I threw up after watching it.

Posted by: Kash at August 18, 2008 3:10 PM

I'm a big fan of Almodovar movies, so I might check this out. If only for the lovely Cruz and her bilingual freak outs. Reminds me of my mother, who curses me out in Spanish and English all in the same breath. All while chasing me around the house, threatening to beat me with her chankla. Such a sweet lady.

PS: That sounded a little dirty, but a "chankla" is merely a flip-flop, the tool hispanic mothers have used to beat their children since its invention.

Posted by: Porkchop at August 18, 2008 3:12 PM

Best title ever.

Posted by: Sarah at August 18, 2008 3:13 PM

but Shadows, it is precisely because of the accent that she is so sexy. if she didn't have the accent i would probably be as attracted to her as i am to your mother.

not that your mother isn't an attractive woman.

i'm just sayin'...

i'll shut up now and go remove myself from the GMap so you can't find me.

Posted by: causaubon at August 18, 2008 3:14 PM

the tool hispanic mothers have used to beat their children since its invention.

Unless they're my mom, I used anything she could get her hands on. She'd never use a flip-flop...way too soft. We have a lot of broken wooden spoons, rulers, hairbrushes, and switches in our closet...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at August 18, 2008 3:15 PM

causaubon, I guess I can understand. I'm exposed to that accent all the time, so it's null and void for me. Whereas...british accents are hot as hell to me, since I hardly ever hear them.

She still looks like the mutant offspring of a shetland pony and a scarecrow.

And my mom is an attractive woman, damnit!

{logs onto google maps}

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at August 18, 2008 3:19 PM

A flip-flop? Thong style or slipper type?

My mom broke many a wooden spoon over my back, and my sister had framed me every time. Of course, one time my mom caught her doing it, and that was the last wooden spoon I had to take.

Posted by: BWeaves at August 18, 2008 3:21 PM

i don't get it. ponies are really cute and fun to ride, and scarecrows aren't particularly bright and they're pretty low-maintenance. sounds like a win-win to me.

Posted by: causaubon at August 18, 2008 3:24 PM

Damn, a lot of my friends' parents used wooden spoons as well. The most I ever got was a slap on the thigh from my mom for telling her to shut up. One handprint later and I never said that to her again.

Posted by: Julie at August 18, 2008 3:25 PM

Wow, I put Pinkerton on my iPod this morning for the first time in months. It was prophetic!

Posted by: Snath at August 18, 2008 3:31 PM

Been listening to Pinkerton all day at work to keep me from going crazy...good life's on right now which means i'm about 6 minutes from Pink Triangle. Awesome.

Posted by: jamiepants at August 18, 2008 3:38 PM

Shadows:
Mr. PaddyDog feels exactly the same way about Peneloped Cruz. He even has to change the channel when her commercial for hair dye comes on.

Me, Johannssen bores the crap out of me (and I had Indian yesterday so you can just imagine). She just can't act. This myth that was created around her in Lost in Translations has to end sometime, hasn't it?

Posted by: PaddyDog at August 18, 2008 3:41 PM

I always end up enjoying Woody Allen movies much more than I think I will, so I'll probably rent this when it comes out.

I got the wooden spoon and a hair brush when I was a kid. My mom swears she felt awful after the brush, and only had to use the wooden spoon once. I, however, recall many spoon spankings, but apparently my mother only had to pull it out and wave it around her head after the first one. I'm actually a little impressed by its effectiveness.

Posted by: katy at August 18, 2008 3:46 PM

uhm, Mr. Williams, aren't you forgetting something? the little matter of a special Cruz-Johansson scene (scenes? oh please, godtopus) that i'm sure i'm not the only one here that is interested in finding out more details about (ahem PissBoy?).

No, you aren't.

It is interesting how, with all the gossip hoopla and standard hot-woman-asskissing (sorry, SoD, but I can't ignore her "friendship" with Salma), I tend to forget that Penelope Cruz CAN ACTUALLY ACT. Which is kinda the reverse of ScarJo, who is hot enough to make me forget how completely unnecessary her acting is.

That is my roundabout way of saying I might like this film, even without the kissy-kissy lady love.

Wooden spoons? Flip flops? Bah! Try taking an extension cord. Or a five-pound purse during church. Or a broomstick. Did I mention the broomstick came at me when I was 20?

And then there is the pinching. My Godtopus, the PINCHING!!!!!!

Posted by: Vermillion at August 18, 2008 3:50 PM

Shadows, every time I see Penelope Cruz, I think about this scene from Family Guy:

Cleveland (as an E! reporter): Seabiscuit! Seabiscuit! Over here!
Cruz: I am not Seabiscuit. I am Penelope Cruz.
Cleveland: Suuuure you are. Here, have a carrot.
(Cruz eagerly takes carrot with her mouth, as a horse would do.)

Posted by: brouhaha at August 18, 2008 3:53 PM

poor Penelope Cruz...I actually think she is quite attractive

but then again I have been told that the women I find attractive are usually not (as prophesized by men and lesbians)

all the ugly girls out there should be damn sad I am strait

that being said, I actually like the sound of this movie and might actually try to catch it while it is still in theaters (maybe the above mentioned scarjo/cruz scenes will be enough to get the Boy to take me)

Posted by: Bethy at August 18, 2008 3:59 PM

you got the pinching, too, Vermillion?

i only got it when we were in public and i started misbehaving and my mom wanted to be "inconspicuous"- she'd pinch my inner thigh, the really soft and tender part.

she only had to do it a few times though, because i caught on really quick and then she just had to show me a pinching motion and i knew right away to calm the f**k down.

Posted by: causaubon at August 18, 2008 4:02 PM

Vermillion, we got the vulcan deathgrip around the back of he neck in church. You feel it for days. And we did the extension cord only once.

Although I am remembering l later in life, to prevent to destruction of her beloved wooden implements, my mom took down the plastic rod from the blinds...

brouhaha, I can't look at her without seeing that sketch. Sheer...brilliance. It needed to be said.

Yes, yes...I had heard about the alleged scene, of course...but as far as I'm concerned, I'm not into bestiality. And shame on you, V! Let us go ogle Lisa Loeb a bit more to gain proper perspective.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at August 18, 2008 4:03 PM

Let's chalk it off to me being, well, me but honestly, this review was weak. A minimal summary of the story and commentary on the (lack of) acting skills that we know is Miss Jo-has-some left me seriously "meh." The last paragraph saved it from being a complete waste of time. I know you can do better John.

Bitch over.

Posted by: boo at August 18, 2008 4:03 PM

I don't understand the Cruz love either. She has a weird nose and too strong of an accent. It's like she's not even trying say words correctly.

My lovely Dominican mother used paint stirrers from Home Depot to smack me and my siblings. And the occasional wooden spoon. We were crazy kids...

Oh, and Shane, this:

If he can make a tried and true queen start to wonder about the mysteries of the hot pocket, he must still have something up his sleeve.

Cracked me up!

I'll be calling my va-snootch "Hot Pocket" from now on...

Posted by: Trouble at August 18, 2008 4:04 PM

I can't believe 1. People think P. Cruz is unattractive. I think she's truly stunning and will look great at 70. I also think she's a fantastic comic actress..in Spanish. 2. People are admitting their parents struck them! I definitely got the occasional back-hander/around-the-house pursuit with a wooden cooking spoon in-hand, but I don't share that with many people. Is it a class thing?

Posted by: samantha t at August 18, 2008 4:05 PM

Ah yes, Vermillion! I believe what you're referring to is called "The Church Pinch".

It's typically used to tell kids to shut the hell up in church without letting others know you're smacking your kid. The kid receiving the "Pinch" winces in silence while suffering.

I know it well...

Posted by: Trouble at August 18, 2008 4:10 PM

I think Cruz is really pretty as well, Samantha t...she was mesmerizing in Volver.

Posted by: Julie at August 18, 2008 4:11 PM

People are admitting their parents struck them!

/cue rant...

It's called "putting the fear of God into you". Ya know, that saying your dad told you? "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out again".

It's discipline. It's natural and right and good for you if done with the intent to get you to behave...i.e., teach you some civility and to be a proper human being. It becomes abuse when it's done for no reason other than the parents' self-gratification or because he/she's too lazy to be a proper parent and teach and be a role model.

/rant over.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at August 18, 2008 4:11 PM

My mother never had time to grab implements. Usually I would do something really quickly and try to run away but she'd grab my arm and do that whole trying to hit you while I'm trying to wriggle out of her grasp thing. Arching the back is an effective way out of this conundrum.

The pinching!! But then that started not to work when my brother and I let out an, "ooooooowwwwwaaaaaahhhhhhh."

Did anyone else get a lot of counting? When that 'one' came out of my mom's mouth... I can still hear it... uuggghhhhh.

Posted by: Kash at August 18, 2008 4:13 PM

uhm, samantha? you just did share it, with a lot of people.

and what's this about class? is it the getting corporal punishment or the sharing of getting said punishment that is a class thing?

Posted by: causaubon at August 18, 2008 4:15 PM

I did get some stuff thrown at me though. Which led to some pretty good stories of me throwing stuff at my brother. A jar of JIFF that hit him in the nuts. A TV changer that used to slide slid off the bottom part I was holding and nailed him in the face. Books. Various coins. Forks. Babies. The usual.

Posted by: Kash at August 18, 2008 4:15 PM

I got the spank, but I never remember it hurting too much. What really got me to behave was The Corner. I would be instructed to "sit in The Corner" until I was ready to rejoin the family. There was a little stool there and everything. I still have clear memories of crying and crying and crying while the rest of my family ate dinner behind me. Damn, I can't wait to have kids!

Posted by: elizabeth at August 18, 2008 4:30 PM

I can't even buh-LIEVE that Cruz's hotness is even fucking debatable!!

You people are fucking BLIND if you don't think she's one of the hottest women in the movies right now. I give you Exhibit A: Volver (the very apex of her sexiness) and Exhibit B: Jamon, Jamon (the young Cruz bangs the shit out of a young Bardem [before most of you probably even KNEW who they were]).

Seriously, anyone who disagrees is a panhead who wants stabbing.

Oh and BTW, Vicky Cristina Barcelona often feels more Almodóvar than Woody..., I agree Julie, that's reason enough to watch this...

Posted by: boogs at August 18, 2008 4:30 PM

Trouble, do you think we could start a mini-diversion about what we call our genitalia?

I vote for Wally for a girl. Tallywacker for a boy.

I swear to God, it's what my Mom told me they were called growing up. Maybe THAT'S what made me gay. I mean, a Tallywacker sounds way more cool than a boring old Wally.

Posted by: Shane at August 18, 2008 4:31 PM

Later on, he tells Vicky that his father, a poet, is mad at humanity because, after so many centuries of civilization, we still haven't learned to love. Yeah, he's one of those guys.

When Javier said it, I was all, oh, he's so deep. I practically threw my panties at the screen. I didn't even realize how corny that line was until you pointed it out. I don't know if that's a testament to his acting, or a reflection of my inability to combat douchebags.

As to the whole 'discipline/child abuse' thing, never happened. Not once. Not that I wasn't a little asshole as a kid, I was, but I think it was more a Don Draper type situation. We just got the head-shaking sigh, and the withdrawal of love until we behaved better - you know, classic wasp parenting.

Posted by: Marra at August 18, 2008 4:36 PM

The corporal-punishment issue came up a few years ago, and I realized that I did not know a single child my age, other than my sister and myself, who did not get "The Belt" as punishment. (Southeast, rural area).

No, apparently our parents were liberal. We got The Flyswatter. It was not the same flyswatter used to swat flies--oh, no, that would not have been civilized. It was a special flyswatter kept for the sole purpose of beating the children.

So I don't know from wooden spoons or shoes et al. All I know is that a flyswatter stings like a motherfucker.

Posted by: Jerce at August 18, 2008 4:45 PM

My parents are West Indian AND I went to Catholic school. So I got knocked around a lot. But now, I have incredible reflexes and I am an expert in planting evidence(especially against my siblings).

Posted by: jM at August 18, 2008 4:45 PM

Shane, I've always called mine a va-snootch (combination of vagina, snatch, and cooch), but because of you it will now be "Hot Pocket". For guys, I've always gone with trouser snake, but I like tallywacker too!

BTW, around here I think they call it "The Hammer"...

Posted by: Trouble at August 18, 2008 4:51 PM

/Rant response

Oh and Shadows, hitting is NEVER right...ANY kind of corporal punishment is wrong.

Just because parents are too lazy or ignorant to inconvenience themselves by having to talk to their child or put them on the "naughty step" (yes, we have one of these in Casa Rodriguez) or (God forbid) take away their TV shows (of course, they'd NEVER do this because it would mean they would have to entertain their kids rather than the easy option of plopping them in front of the TV), it doesn't mean that you can "dress up" what is essentially assault with the bullshit argument of "it's for their own good" or "my parents did it to me and I turned out all right."

/Rant response over

Posted by: boogs at August 18, 2008 4:54 PM

My brother and I got the "switch" when we were kids living down south.

The worst part: we had to get it ourselves, and if Mom thought it wasn't big enough, we had to pick another one.

Ah, the good ole days...

Posted by: TMax at August 18, 2008 5:06 PM

Oh dear boogs, I do so want to agree with you, but I am proof positive that such tactics don't always work.

I was always a reclusive child, caught up in his own head and daydreaming the hours away (hell, I do it now, to the consternation of my boss). To be left alone, with only myself as company? I would have begged for it. Heck, that would have been a reward in my sights. Which is why my parents (well, my mother, Dad is still figuring me out) didn't bother with it.

TV? Who needs TV when you could create better material with just those weird spots that kinda dance around in your eyeball fluid that you cane barely see if you look at a streetlight or something just right?

Not saying smacking a kid is the perfect method, just that kids are different, and to say that time-outs and TV restrictions are so much more effective is just as ridiculous-sounding as saying that all kids need a sore behind. It just depends on the kid, really.

Besides, avoiding a time-out isn't nearly as exciting to read about as ducking a shoe, or narrowly escaping the GODDAMN PINCHING!!!!!! Those take some skill. it is like that rolling boulder in Raiders of the Lost Ark. You don't want to see Indy stuck in a pit until he stop stealing gold idols. You want to see his ass get away from the admittedly-deserved flattening by the skin of his teeth.

Posted by: Vermillion at August 18, 2008 5:14 PM

I'm...gonna stop here. There is no right answer for this, just a matter of opinion. Let's just say our viewpoints and upbringing are and were different and leave it at that.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at August 18, 2008 5:22 PM

Vermillion,

I don't want you to misunderstand me. I never said that time-outs and TV restrictions were the be-all, end-all of child discpline, just that these are some of the techniques that work. You're right that every kid is different but I also think that kids, people, whatever, respond in very much the same ways to the same kind of stimulants.

My five-year-old has never been hit and is extremely well behaved. As much as I'd like to think that it's because she's just freaking awesomely special(as some have claimed when I've told them about never having spanked her), I know that it's not. It's because I took time and inconvenienced myself sometimes to find alternative measures of punishment. Do I raise my voice? Hell yes! This alone does the trick most of the time or even just "the look."

As someone who was spanked and even got the dreaded belt (My Dad's old-school Mexican catholic...what did you expect?) I don't think my parents were bad people and I like to think I turned out pretty well. The missus, on the other hand, was NEVER hit and she also turned out pretty well. To me, this is proof positive that there are just better ways to discipline a child than resorting to violence of any kind.

Posted by: boogs at August 18, 2008 5:30 PM

At least for me, I think the sexiness of Penelope Cruz lies more in her personality than just physical looks.

If you just see her an a picture, I think she looks a little odd...so skinny and gangly with disproportionate facial features.

But watch her in a movie and she just has this...energy...that makes this heterosexual female want to rip off her clothes and learn how to say "fuck me now, please!" in Spanish...

Posted by: MN_Jen at August 18, 2008 5:44 PM

I was always a reclusive child, caught up in his own head

Yeah, one time in high school I was punished with "you CAN'T go to your room". I got grounded one time and just sorta went catatonic in the dark, which eventually unnerved my mom enough to not care anymore about what I was supposed to be in trouble for and would ask "how come you haven't called anybody?" a few days later.

My cousin got the pinching. It was legendary.

While I may or may not seek this movie out, I like that at this point you can't put a lot of weight on Woody's movies cause he'll just go make another one next year. He doesn't re-emerge and make-or-break, just keeps decently puttering along. Not a bad old age, I guess.

Posted by: Jay at August 18, 2008 5:57 PM

Jay, you have something there. "No, you CAN'T go to your room. You have to hang here with me, and stuff envelopes/clean house/whatever else grownups do."
I shiver thinking about it.

Posted by: brouhaha at August 18, 2008 6:26 PM

I never liked Cruz until I started watching her exclusively in Spanish language films (Almodovar in particular gets great performances from her). I never found her sexy until I saw her in Don't Tempt Me, which also stars Gael Garcia Bernal, with a very unfortunate accent. Her swagger, dance, and confidence won me over.

Wooden Spoon? Chanklas? Hairbrushes? I've heard that "all Hispanic woman chase their kids with their sandals," but have never seen, or experienced it. We got The You-Kids-Wait-Until-Your-Father-Gets-Home, The Corner, The Belt(leather and thick, I think he used the part with the holes for more zip), and eventually, my brother got The Extension Cord--not the little brown kind, but the really thick, hard orange kind. That last one ended with my father having to take parenting/anger classes, so I wouldn't recommend it to you parents out there.

Posted by: Christina at August 18, 2008 6:29 PM

Usually the threesomes I'm involved in don't require this much talking, not unless I'm trying to convince one of them bitches that I don't need to wear a condom, or I'm telling one of them to go get us some more dope.

Posted by: Pookie at August 18, 2008 6:30 PM

Oh, you all are pussies. MY mom had a paddle hanging up behind the fridge, and we had to fetch it when we were bad. It was a big thick wooden paddle, featuring a picture of a screaming child with a glowing bright-red ass on it. You could actually buy these in the stores, people, way back when.

Posted by: nancy at August 18, 2008 7:09 PM

Pssh, thats nothing Nancy; my mom used to shoot me when I was bad, or she was drunk, or just bored. Look at me world; I HAVE THE BIGGEST PUNISHMENT-PENIS!!!!

Anyway, now that mocking all you folks is out of the way, I actually thought Miss Johansson did a decent job in Lost in Translation and The Prestige. I think its just that Mr. Allen is too accommodating a director when it comes to her and she's the sort of actress than needs incisive, strict direction. Of course, never having been on a set anywhere near either of them, I'm likely talking out of my ass here.

Posted by: AngryLagomorph at August 18, 2008 7:26 PM

Punishment-Penis?

Weird. I thought only my Dad called it that, and only when I'd been really bad.

Oh wait...what? Oh yeah, um, yeah...Penelope Cruz looks like a horse...um...

Posted by: Shane at August 18, 2008 7:32 PM

There's a great scene in Woody Allen's Annie Hall, a flashback that sh...GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY


next review.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at August 18, 2008 7:37 PM

man, my dad still wants to kick my ass when I dont talk properly to him and I'm fucking 26 and no, he will no change, and no I wont let me, I know the day he will actually get to that point one of us will in fact die. with my mum instead I have a wonderful relationship where we actually kick each others, get over it and be two muffin in love two seconds later. she also has an insulting talent that would make her a honorary gang member in any gang of the planet, cause man she's powerful. I've been raised with the very sweet definition of "ser inutil" my dad is sicilian my mum is spanish, that might explain a lot. oh and they do actually rock, at least most of time.
I'm so gonna be a cat lady

Posted by: rio at August 18, 2008 7:38 PM

Well, since we are staging an episode of the Dr. Phil show - I remember getting two whuppings. (That is the technical name) Message was sent and received. I did not need to be reminded again. I wasn't traumatized by it. I can certainly laugh about it now. There was a big black leather belt that hung on the closet door. No one ever wore the belt. I think it was purchased for one reason only. That's how we grew up. Apparently quite a few of us here did. My brothers got shoes, extension cords and yes, Lord, the pinching! I have never spanked my child and never will. It just doesn't seem necessary.

PCruz is weird looking, true. But I do love her accent. And I enjoy her odd features. I guess I find people more attractive if they do not fit into the cookie cutter (see also: Maggie Gyllenhal) And her level of crazy reminds me of my Columbian Abuelita.

The ScarJo bugs, however. Her vacant expression worries me. What is behind it? Is it emptiness? Or evil?

Think about it.

Posted by: greer at August 18, 2008 8:01 PM

"uhm, samantha? you just did share it, with a lot of people.

and what's this about class? is it the getting corporal punishment or the sharing of getting said punishment that is a class thing?"

Yes, but you people don't know me in...the real world. I guess I meant more the sharing thing. I'm from a blue-collar background and would've been mortified that my parents didn't handle discipline in a Don Draper-like way. To me, it suggested a lack of control I believed my richer friends' parents had.

Of course, they were all WASP-y alkies, but I didn't know it at the time.

Posted by: samantha t at August 18, 2008 8:28 PM

I only got the belt once when I left my two year old brother out on the streets alone to find his way home - of course after I whinged to have more responsibility and take us to the damn store already! I SO deserved it, and the event altered me forever. Now I'm a bit of a doormat-of-consideration for anyone in the world, but forgetting all that...now I'm very no-spank opined as a parent.

But it's coming...it's coming if my kids don't stop the damn whining!!!! heh.

Posted by: replica at August 18, 2008 8:37 PM

I have only recently begun to like Penelope Cruz - she was quite good in Volver, and she pretty much steals the show every moment she is onscreen during VCB. I also saw a preview of Elegy (Cruz with Ben Kingsley), and I am definitely going to check that out.
Scarlett was really forgettable here, and I've not seen her in anything else (I have Match Point on DVD but haven't watched it). I sort of thought her vapidity was in keeping with her character - but maybe that's just her "acting".
Oh, and Javier was most delicious.

Posted by: Cindy at August 18, 2008 9:14 PM

I remember one time, I ROLLED MY EYES at my mother. I am not specially touched nor do I like to court danger at anytime, so it was not my intention for her to see me do it. Rolling your eyes at my mother was the equivalent of eating a baby and reading the Satanic bible while standing in front of the TV during Night Court. She was doing the dishes and yelling at me(a multitasker, that one) for skipping school, starting trouble, and being a general fuck up. Since she was looking in the opposite direction, I thought it was the perfect moment for a "come the fuck on" eye roll. Well, mid-roll I hear her say, "Oh hell no!", and then darkness. Witnesses would later tell me that I achieved a good three seconds of air time in a whirlwind of hair and regret.

Posted by: jM at August 18, 2008 9:43 PM

jM, that was the funniest shit I've ever read.

"A whirlwind of hair and regret." Man, have I been there with my mother.

I used to think if a day went by withOUT getting a spanking for being a general fuck up, that my mom didn't love me. And ya know what? I still think she's the best mom in the world, hands down.

Posted by: Shane at August 18, 2008 10:23 PM

I can't believe my own asshole-ishness here but I simply can't go without pointing out that the lyric is: "Everyone's a little queer - WHY can't she be a little straight."

Sorry. (Lyric nerd on display)

Posted by: Mattfactor at August 18, 2008 10:36 PM

jM, I wish my mother loved me that much!
...wait, is it weird that I equate love with violence? I know what the next psych doc visit will be about!

Personally, I was never hit. The threat was enough. Also, the abuse I suffered at the hands of a crazy babysitter was more than enough to make me behave around older people.

Whoa...deep dark secrets being shared online for the entire world to see...this is more therapeutic than what I pay that doctor for.

Posted by: popejenn at August 19, 2008 12:15 AM

I tend to forget that Penelope Cruz CAN ACTUALLY ACT.

NOPE i have to disagree
Has ANYONE ever seen La Celestina? Granted, it's in Spanish and granted, it probably isn't even on dvd in the U.S. but my God. I loved Penelope until I had to watch this movie for class and then I was done. Like, I was disgusted with her after this. I mean, maybe she's gotten better since that movie since it came out in 1996, but still. Woman on Top? Blow she was only awesome cause she was just playing a bitch on coke. In Abre Los Ojos/Vanilla Sky still not good and she played the same role in both English and Spanish!
She baffles me, I swear.

I never liked Cruz until I started watching her exclusively in Spanish language films (Almodovar in particular gets great performances from her).

and that's why we're tricked into thinking that she's a good actress. Almodovar knows exactly what he is doing, so he can write a character for Cruz and also direct her in a fashion in which she can actually use what limited skills she has to complete a character. I won't lie, I loved Volver but I was iffy on this movie at first because she was in it.

But I'm going to see it anyway since my beloved Barcelona is in it. Plus, I'm sure she does a good job cause she's playing a crazy person.

Also, to chime into the spanking debate: I got spanked one time and I never did anything wrong after that. But my sister was spanked more than once and she continued to do whatever she wanted to. Same with one of my brothers
What's best discipline-wise really just depends on the child.

Oh and everyone already said it but SWEET title. Old Weezer is fucking tits on toast
(whatever that even means)

Posted by: Rica at August 19, 2008 12:44 AM

boogs, Then I must be fucking BLIND too.

Mom never had to lay a hand on me. All she had to do was give me The Look. My dad kicked my ass once, though. Literally. I may or may not have deserved it, depending on whose side of the story you believe (and it's such a stupid story I can't bring myself to recount it here). He apologized for it years later.

Posted by: bucdaddy at August 19, 2008 1:10 AM

There are two kind of pajibans.

Those nostalgic for blue-collar beatings - having been whacked with household items is after all the the only way you know you have lived, or had parents who really cared about your character;

and

Those who feel an intense shame for not having been working class growing up, understanding now they missed out - and all because of their parents' sickening conformist pretensions. Blecch.

Thankfully both kinds of pajibans can come together in class consciousness by thinking of amusingish ways to describe the intense ugliness of Penelope Cruz. What an overrated bourgeoise cunt!

Posted by: Spongie at August 19, 2008 1:38 AM

Nah, Spongie, my parents were crazy intellectual liberals who never laid a hand on me but governed me quite effectively from an early age with the threat of them "being disappointed in" us. I was terrified of seeing that look in their eyes even after I grew old enough to challenge them occasionally. I was one of the most well-behaved kids I knew, and I don't feel I missed out on anything. Nor do I feel any shame. In fact, I intend to raise my own kids the same way.

Also, I think Penelope Cruz is hot.

And I want to see this movie.

Annnd I'm done burning my Pajiban bridges now.

Posted by: Claire at August 19, 2008 3:43 AM

I totally agree with Rica on her assessment of Penélope Cruz's talent. I think that what's lost on non-Spanish speaking audiences is that she's got terrible diction even in her own native language. I don't think she pronounces the same consonant in the same way twice. When she talks in English, it's all chalked up to her "accent".

But as long as she gets cast in "passionate woman" roles, everybody will keep on loving her for her contrast with the frigid, emotionally aloof heroines of Hollywood. Ay, ay, ay, mucho exótico!

Posted by: MJ at August 19, 2008 6:32 AM

Thank you. Someone else has seen through the "exotic passionate woman" routine.

And I maintain Penelope is a horse's name.

As for the spankings debate...I agree it depends on what kind of child you are, and what kind of parent you are. I understand there are parents who don't know how to be emotionally open, intellectually sound, and/or verbose in either of the above. Spankings, or corporal punishment for those of you at home, is not a bad thing. Just as a hug or kiss can communicate volumes without saying a word, so can to physical contact. I'm not talking about beatings...child abusers need to be beaten to within an inch of their lives. The examples given of The Look, or pinching, or grabbing a wooden spoon, are all examples of a single physical contact communicating far more in an instant what it would take a lot of you some time. And you can still say what you need to at the same time. We're still animals...we do respond to subconscious body language.

And for those of you tutttutting the breakage of spoons and such...they're actually pretty dan weak. You only get two or three mediocre hits before the bowl goes flying through the air.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at August 19, 2008 9:14 AM

Late to the party, but as someone who has some insanely attractive Spanish relatives, Penelope's not *that* bad looking...but my cousins are hotter, and I also think her sister's hotter. Just sayin'. Still, I have a soft spot for her ever since seeing "Jamon, Jamon", and her coloring and hair is like mine, and she has a nice rack, and Almodovar adores her, and she snagged Javier Bardem, sooooo I can't hate on her all that much.

Damn, actually? She's my new hero. She snagged Javier fucking Bardem. AND Salma Hayek. She wins.

Posted by: em at August 19, 2008 10:45 AM

Whoa. Are we seriously debating Penelope Cruz's hottness? Is everyone insane? The woman has an amazing little body; a gorgeous, quirky face; ridiculously great hair and skin and fantastic coloring...I mean...huh? She is absolutely beautiful and positively striking. So she's got some distinctive features - none of them are bad; they just aren't typical. She is a bagillion times more attractive than ScarJo.

Sorry to go on and on, but that's just crazy talk, you guys.

Posted by: tt_marie at August 19, 2008 10:58 AM

re: Penelope Cruz

She resembles a cartoon pheasant. I refer to her as Ole' Pheasant Face. Don't believe me? http://www.imdb.com/media/rm1325505792/tt0102802

Make that blonde behind the Elvis/Chaucer Rooster a brunette and it's TOTALLY Penelope Cruz.

re: Spanking/Childhood Abuse/Hippie Lovebug Parenting

My dad never laid a hand on me, he didn't have to. He'd double his belt over and do that thing where you snap it and the leather makes this really loud gun-shot sound? Scared the shit outta me every friggin' time. My mother used my dad's old paddle-ball paddle. 3/4 inch thick wood with a picture of a frog on it and a knot hole the size of my left eye ball. That thing hurt like a bitch. My grandmother actually broke not one, not two, but three ivory hair brushes on my ass in the same sitting. Why? Because in a battle of wills where there can be only one rising victorious, somebody better cry like a little bitch and it ain't gonna be gramma. No sir. Wanna know what I did? Cried too loud while she was brushing my hair. Ironic, ain't it?

re: Woody Allen/ScarJo/Muse situation

Some men like muses that who actually do things to inspire them. Some men like muses who look pretty and are essentially mirrors for what they think their own talents are. Enter Woody Allen. He wouldn't like her if she was actually talented, cause then she might surpass him when it comes to praise. He's who Virginia Woolfe was talking about when she said (to paraphrase) for centuries it has been woman's role to act as mirrors for men, reflecting back for them their accomplishments at twice their normal size.

He did it first with Mia Farrow. Now he's got ScarJo. He'll leave her alone as soon as she adopts a baby he can then seduce and marry before she turns eighteen.

re: The Naming of the VaJay

I think it was Boo who came up with the best name. "Zod". As in "kneel before..."

Gets me every time. I bow down to the genius.

Posted by: Ava at August 19, 2008 11:23 AM

"Some men like muses who look pretty and are essentially mirrors for what they think their own talents are."

Yup - very true. If ScarJo turned around and said, in a non-coy way, "I actually thought 'Manhattan Murder Mystery' was pretty weak", Woody's woody would shrink right up.

Posted by: samantha t at August 19, 2008 11:46 AM

If ScarJo turned around and said, in a non-coy way, "I actually thought 'Manhattan Murder Mystery' was pretty weak", Woody's woody would shrink right up.

This would never happen. This would never happen because it implies that there is something other than "coy" and "pursed lips" in her repertoire and she likes being cast as the sexey minx. She thinks it gives her "mystery".

Also, the minute she admits she's got a brain, Tom Waits is allowed to be her down for hijacking (and maiming) his songs. See, when she's dumb she gets a pass, it's that whole "she knows not what she does" thing. But when she's smart... well then she's got to be held accountable.

And we all know that accountability is not for those of us with the boobies.

Posted by: Ava at August 19, 2008 12:03 PM

The title of the movie alone makes me not want to see it.

Posted by: Olivia at August 19, 2008 12:29 PM

Can we please talk about the narrator in the movie? So, So, So, unnecessary and distracting. It sounded like Zach Braff narrating in "Scrubs." In fact I was arguing with myself for half the movie that it was him, but wouldn't let myself believe it. I had to stay through the whole production credits to finally see the acting credits to confirm that it was a no name actor ruining what was otherwise a delightful movie equivalent to a lusty romp in the hay (with very hot spaniards). Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardiem are both on my fame fucker list.

Posted by: MK at August 19, 2008 2:06 PM

Did anyone think Penelope Cruz aged horribly between 'all about my mother' and 'Volver'? In the former she's an incredibly beautiful girl, she looks 18, in the latter she's an extremely good looking woman FOR someone who has a teenage daughter. About 15 years of aging for about 8 years real time.
Re spanking, Yup chalk me up on the wooden spoon list. While I would AIM to not hit kids, I think making spanking illegal in the UK is totally ridiculous. And calling it 'violence' is likewise totally over the top. A quick here-and-now punishment, which also works wonders as a threat is an excellent option. You can also go too far in the opposite direction. A friend of mine was brought up without spanking or shouting so her father just raising his eyebrow was terrible thing. They ended up being totally over-sensitised and when they went to school and had a shouty teacher they were terrified of her.
I really do object to the whole 'wait till your father gets home' brand of discipline. If the father is away all day he should spend 'quality' time with his kids when he gets back, not take on the role of being the 'mean' parent who punishes, that is definitely something the mother/'primary caregiver' should do for herself.

Posted by: ChrisD at August 19, 2008 3:41 PM

So I Googled some images of PC, and on two pages she looks sort of hot in maybe two or three. Not a good percentage.

Also? She doesn't have a philtrum, that's what's weird about her face.

Posted by: bucdaddy at August 19, 2008 5:34 PM

Re: Naming body parts.

I think a good name for the wang (besides 'wang') is The Hilarity Unit. It's not supposed to be mean, it just makes me laugh. I'm sure I'd sound a lot less, um, binty, if I weren't a female, though.

'Zod' made me laugh. I actually used to hate the habit of naming body parts, mostly because other girls seemingly all 'named' them 'The Girls', or 'The Twins'. Very original, just name them 'My Breasts', huh? But when someone suggested I end the problem by doing better, I took up the cause. And now I'm a hero, because I named mine 'Muggleton' and 'Poots' after the kids in 28 WEEKS LATER, even though I'd never see it. I am the biggest wuss any of you have encountered. After that, I went on a spree: 'Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dumber' for the 'ahem', cheeks, and 'Bonnie Bedelia in HEART LIKE A WHEEL' for my belly button.

But FUTURAMA fans know that 'The Lower Horn' is a great name for a certain part of the male anatomy.

I think that Virginia Woolfe comment about Woody Allen was spot on. Although she wasn't on her best behaviour at Cannes, so maybe he'll tell her 'Hit the bricks, Salamander!'

As far as accountability goes, I wish the Boob Dictum were actually true. Attractiveness is subjective, size isn't, and I've got that going for me. Where does it get me? Nowheres, kiddies.

Everybody here's having so much fun with their childhood violence stories, I don't want to bring the place down.

No, I didn't proofread. I'm sorry, I'm hungry.

Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Besser at August 19, 2008 9:00 PM

I really liked this movie, and I thought what made it hilarious was how cliched everyone was. I thought it was on purpose.

But who hasn't gone back and read their diaries and found they sounded just like Cristina, or gazed over their cup of coffee at their partner and thought of the road not taken? It was very charming, mostly as you say, because of Javiar Bardem and Penelope Cruz. Rebecca Hall was also very good, and even Scarlett Johannson was better than I remembered her being.

Her naturally vacant looks did indeed work very well for the role, but I laughed especially hard when Juan was propostioning them, and she looked like she was about forgo all pretense and beg him to take her there on the table.

And the scenery and the soundtrack were more exceedingly lovely... no, I liked it very much.

Posted by: Jenne at August 20, 2008 1:12 AM

As a girl who likes girls AND guys, I have to say, I totally wanted in on the Javier Bardem/Penelope Cruz sandwich. ScarJo on the other hand, I could do without. While I have a weakness for blondes, she just doesn't do anything for me. She doesn't look friendly and her lips freak me out. I'll take the crazy woman and the artist first.

Posted by: Zoe at August 22, 2008 1:00 PM

Saw this last night and HATED it. Laziest piece of film making I have ever seen.
And Scarjo really just needs to go away.
Oh, and I hear she's recording a cover of Jeff Buckley's "Last Goodbye." Yeah, I'm pissed.
Whatever happened to the Woody Allen who made "Crimes and Misdemeanors?"
Oh, it's a sad, sad day, my friends.
Bunny is disappointed.
Oy, um, I forgot to say, I ♥ Penelope Cruz. She was the only thing worth watching.

Posted by: Bunny at January 31, 2009 11:51 AM

To quote a friend of mine "if this movie demanded this much narration, it's a huge indictment of the mise-en-scene and plot development."

I'm just sayin...

Posted by: Bunny at January 31, 2009 12:01 PM