Is it bad? Of course it’s bad. And I’m sorry. Because of the nature of our site, we have to pay for every film we see. And I put money in the pockets of Aaron Seltzer and Jason Freidberg. Which means they’ll be able to crap out more Movie Movies. I didn’t need to see this film to know it was going to be fucking terrible. Why wouldn’t it be fucking terrible? Someone pointed a camera at this, and those someones were Seltzer and Freidberg. I thought about not going to see it: just cutting and pasting completely random lines from the reviews of Eclipse, New Moon, and Twilight from our site and from other sites and calling it a review. But then, I realized, I wouldn’t be doing my job. So I went. And that was my mistake. Because as a film reviewer, I’m supposed to review films. And this — this isn’t a fucking film. It’s the script for Twilight, read out loud by a ten year-old with Tourette’s who only ever watches the TV Guide channel and doesn’t know swear words. There aren’t jokes. Jokes would imply punch lines. There are loudly shouted references. Each riff happens once, like instead of a contract, they were given a checklist. Fart joke, belch joke, punch in the face joke, puppy joke, bling, Jersey Shore, Kardashians. Did we do all that? Next scene. Vampires Suck is the cinematic equivalent of building a demolition company at ground zero. Only there’s not enough room, so they have to tear down more buildings. With people still in them. By crashing an airplane full of toddlers into them. Only if you videotaped the people plummeting to their deaths from those buildings, it’d still be funnier than this.
At least these two buffoons are losing their pull. They can’t get name actors anymore. The only knowns that are in this are Diedrich Bader, Ken Jeong, and Dave Foley. And those three would be in your film for $20 and a baloney sandwich. I understand why you do it. You need the money. You need the recognition. Hell, Jenn Proske, the girl who plays Becca Crane, went to my alma mater. She nails all of Kristen Stewart’s facial ticks, lip biting, and hair tucking. This is her first film. If someone said, “Hey, we’re gonna put you on the big screen and pay you tons of money to do it,” you fucking do it. I’d fucking do it. Morgan Freeman even does that. So I’ll never blame the actors. All the blame lies with those two morons.
Here’s where I usually do the plot summary. You want the plot summary? Watch Twilight. Now, every time there’s a new scene, yell one of these words really loud: CROTCH KICK, TAE BO, BLING, PUPPY, SEGWAY, SIPPY STRAW, BONER, INCEST, BLACK EYED PEAS, KARDASHIANS, JERSEY SHORE, ANGST, CHRIS BROWN, ICARLY, JONAS BROTHERS. Make sure to yell it into the face of the person sitting next to you. Congratulations! You wrote this movie. On the IMDB page, it actually says “spoofs Alice in Wonderland and ‘American Idol.’” Let me tell you how it cleverly spoofs them. Edward — yeah, they changed Bella to Becca, but Edward’s now Edward Sullen cause he’s all depressed and shit and so they can make the one Team Edward and Team Jacob joke — is in the woods and he tells Becca he’s a killer, and then he pulls out a gun and shoots a girl dressed like Alice from the Disney cartoon, and she falls down a hole. And when Becca’s sitting in bed, mopily monologuing, she mentions that American Idol is going to suck this year without Simon. That’s not spoofing. That’s getting a paycheck from VH1 for doing an episode of I Love The 80’s.
But I blame us. I blame the film sites. We actually acknowledge the existence of these films. We’re the problem. The studios wouldn’t fucking make these movies is we didn’t report on them. They’re obviously bad, people know they are bad, and yet, because we mention them, people become aware. So I’m telling you right now. It ends with this. Never again will we mention the names Aaron Seltzer or Jason Freidberg. Never again will we mention a Movie Movie or a derivative. Never. It’s fucking banned. FOR EVER AND FUCKING EVER AMEN. Not even to bring it up as comparison. Never even to deride it. Because even mentioning it gives it credence. They’re fucking dead to us. I don’t care if one of my colleagues puts up an article about it. I will go into the system and delete it. Yeah, it’s Dustin’s site. But he’s not the one who had to sit through this shit. He’s not the one who had to fork over $6 fucking dollars to watch this abomination. I did. So it’s over. And you need to spread the word. Other film sites — the ones who pretend not to read our stuff but secretly do — you need to stop writing about it. And as the readers, if a site does write about it, write to the site and tell them you won’t go there anymore if they write about it. And if they do it again, don’t visit that site anymore. If Dustin puts up an article on Pajiba about it, don’t come here anymore. I’m serious. Fight back however you can.
You can start now. Dimension Films is releasing Scary Movie 5 next year, and it’s being written by Freidberg and Seltzer. So let’s never mention Scary Movie 5 again. As a matter of fact, let’s refuse to even see any movies that are being released by Dimension Films for all of 2011. Then they’ll realize the damage they’ve done, and they’ll stop. And our national nightmare will finally be over.
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