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I Hate My Life

Underdog / Phillip Stephens

Film Reviews | August 3, 2007 | Comments (50)

That blockbusters and mainstream fare suck is one of our motifs here at Pajiba. It’s not a terribly original theoretical foundation and can perhaps give way on more than one occasion to pretension, but by Christ, it’s still true! Our objections to “popular” films aren’t just a way of lording our taste or ideas over everyone else; it’s the mentality behind them we hate — that the movie market can be so mindless and cynical as to shovel shit into the theaters with so little pretext for justifying it; to create pointless entertainment to make money is one thing, to be so pitiably bad at it is quite another …

The latest craze that media hacks of all kinds have grabbed hold of is an intellectual copout of the most convenient kind: the remake, either of films that have received the slightest whiff of cultural attention, be they cult or kitsch, or merely anything that exists in cultural conscience — say, an Atari game or popular cartoon, probably something arbitrary and confounding. Mining the vats of nostalgia to bolster your own unwillingness or inability to create new content — that’s the name of the game these days.

Somewhere at what I guess was the midway point in Underdog, I gave up — hurled my popcorn to the floor and marched from the theater. To this day, it’s the only film I’ve completely given up on. And it’s not that I haven’t seen worse, but really, what was the point? Did I really need to finish the movie? Do I really need to reflect and write a review on it? Do I need to tell anyone that Underdog was very, very bad — a parade of dog puns and CGI so clunky they might as well have just made the damn thing a cartoon and saved us the trouble? Does anyone still care enough about an old show about a talking, bipedal beagle that speaks in rhyming couplets and wears a cape that they think it deserved a modern, live-action retread? Did anyone ever care to begin with? Hello!?

No, I didn’t think so. Underdog doesn’t need a review. Why bother when the film will split from theaters and attention spans as fast as Thunderbirds or Baby Geniuses before it? Talking about a film implies that you give two shits about it or the people who might want to see it; if you haven’t figured out that Underdog is the polar opposite of what Pajiba is about … well, more’s the pity. The shameless remake trend has got to stop, and for me, it stops by refusing to dignify offal like this with critical thinking.


Phillip Stephens is the lead critic for Pajiba. He lives in Fayetteville, AR.


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Comments

Oh Jason Lee, oh....Jason Lee.

Posted by: Kevin Longrie at August 3, 2007 11:49 PM

Sigh. Phillip, I'm glad you didn't review this crap, because I just don't have the strength to read it. Not exhaustion from work, but the exhaustion from seeing shitty trailers about a shitty movie. I don't have the energy to give a damn.

Jason Lee, we're through. First "Underdog", then "Alvin and the Chipmunks?" I don't even know you anymore!

Posted by: Brie at August 4, 2007 12:01 AM

i thought it was a tail waggin good time. it had me drooling and panting from the get go. and now i want to neuter myself for saying that

Posted by: brian at August 4, 2007 12:04 AM

They're making it for the kids, right -- so why am I the one singing the old theme song?

"SPEEEED OF LIGHTNING, BALL OF THUNDA, FIIIIGHTING ALL WHO ROB OR PLUNDA!"

It's on my iPod, for heaven's sake - so who are they selling this garbage to?

Posted by: Meander at August 4, 2007 12:18 AM

Fuck neuter. Brian, I want to put you down for that.

Phillip - Jesus, there is no shorter straw to be drawn than this. I'm amazed you made it halfway through.

Posted by: TK at August 4, 2007 12:19 AM

"I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it any more!"

Chayefsky was eons ahead of his time, was he not?

Your review is immortal. They were such sweet words whispered into my ears I think I came.

Bless you and every one else who throws open their windows and yells.

Posted by: ErosLane at August 4, 2007 1:21 AM

What the hell is wrong with Jason Lee these days? That's fine that he wants to be on NBC because it does give him wider exposure so he could have a better movie career. But Underdog?!?

I understand that it's easy money to just be in the studio and give your voice to a project but hell, so is laying on your back and having sex for money. Doesn't he have any pride for his craft? Damn, he's let me down.

Posted by: Lex at August 4, 2007 1:39 AM

I have to admit that I come to Pajiba for reviews of movies I know are going to be shitty and have no intention of seeing. I love being taken by surprise by films, so I rarely read reviews of movies that I actually want to see. This is a perfect example. The fact that Phillip couldn't even muster the energy to talk shit about this abomination is all I need to know. If anyone ever asks me what I thought about this movie I'll just blankly stare at them and/or slap them in the face.

Posted by: X at August 4, 2007 1:48 AM

Keep up the good work lads and lasses! Pajiba is a step in the right direction to revolutionize modern cinema.

Keep on requiring better. Cinema, art, entertainment, whatever you want to call it is, after all, supposed to be fun or insightful or important or good is some way, rather than the blight it currently is.

The amount of money spent on producing this sort of rubbish could save ten thousand third world orphans.

Posted by: Jamieson at August 4, 2007 2:35 AM

Am I to understand that there won't be a Bratz movie review? Really was looking forward to reading about how much it made the reviewer take out their own appendix with a dull rusty spoon. What can I say, I'm a sadist at heart.

In all seriousness, pretty please review the Bratz movie.

Posted by: io at August 4, 2007 3:08 AM

Honestly, the first time I saw the preview for Underdog, I thought it was a joke. You know, like the fake previews for turning off your cell phones.

I was at a kid's movie (with a kid) and the kids didn't seem interested, and the adults had a range of baffled murmurs. My 3 year old's reaction was, "The dog. It flies and has a cape?"

"Yes."
"Ok. Is the movie coming on now?"

Posted by: Sara at August 4, 2007 3:56 AM

I was one of the few people who felt like the parody review that you guys at Pajiba sometimes use for only the most offesive dreck was overplayed and tired. I was one of those that whined for you guys to just write a goddamn movie review after reading your Chuck and Larry piece. Well, I have to say this is one of the best goddamn reviews I've read on this fucking blog. This is how you review a film clearly written by smug, unoriginal corporate duchenozzle assclowns.

I'm no Marxist, BUT FUCK THESE CAPITALIST CUNT PIGS WHO GLADLY SHILL OUT THIS TRITE BULLSHIT FOR AN EASY BUCK!!! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO ARTISTIC INTEGRITY!! I think it must have died the moment Coppolla said "What the hell, 'Jack' seems like a good idea" It destroyed me when I saw how well Wild Hogs did at the box office, it makes me fear for the future of cinema. These fucktards greenlighting shit like Underdog are about as creative as an accountant convention.

Posted by: colin at August 4, 2007 6:37 AM

My, my we're breaking up with Jason Lee in droves today aren't we? I stuck with him through Heartbreakers but I'm afraid this is the final straw for me too.

Oh Jason, we had a good thing going for a while there. Oh well - I guess our time has passed.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at August 4, 2007 7:55 AM

I'm sure Jason signed on to do this and "Chipmunks" and whatever other crap he'll star in next when he was starving and desperate, post-"Dogma" and pre-"Earl", maybe just before his kid was born. Yeah... that has to be it...

Posted by: ciji at August 4, 2007 10:15 AM

Some things just can't, or perhaps shouldn't, be explained. I think you got that point across, Phillip. Well done!

Posted by: Sarah at August 4, 2007 11:48 AM

why would pajiba even stoop to reviewing thi movie.

Id think there is no overlap between the audiece for this movie and the visitors to this site.

Posted by: Sara at August 4, 2007 2:21 PM

What the hell is wrong with Jason Lee these days? That's fine that he wants to be on NBC because it does give him wider exposure so he could have a better movie career. But Underdog?!?

Not to mention that My Name Is Earl has been suffering from premature That-70s-Show Syndrome for some time now. It's dead, anyone with a sense of humor (i.e., not Jim Belushi fans) can see it, but for some reason people refuse to acknowledge that.

Now, when they take a billion years-old badly animated (yet charming) cartoon and throw it on the big screen as a completely reworked idea (in that case, is it still the original idea or just plain corruption?), you just can't say you're "doing it for the kids". The memories are attached to a generation of grown-ups, and one can't simply dismiss that by doing some random stupid movie under a lame excuse. Here's the price they pay, in the above review. Respect for both audiences (if they want the exception - kids - aboard) sure means a lot of extra work, but what's the problem with putting real effort into a project so more people will like it?

Posted by: Gargumma at August 4, 2007 3:05 PM

Underdog was one of my favorite cartoons as a kid. I have nothing but loathing contempt for the film, which seems to stray as far as possible from the original charm of the show. I'm sorry you had to endure half of it.

Posted by: Amanda at August 4, 2007 4:04 PM

The first time I smelled this shit was when I was watching the spoof of 300 - that PG-rated trailer. I laughed. I thought it was hilarious. Where did they get that ridiculous dog with the cape from? A Japanese cell phone commercial? Oh, how I laughed.
And how I wept when I discovered that it was actually from a movie... how I wept.

Posted by: Lola at August 4, 2007 4:30 PM

Excellent non-review, Phillip. It's good to see that one of you guys finally made good on what Daniel threatened to do with the "Zoom" review. Bravo!

Posted by: Mr. Awesome at August 4, 2007 5:00 PM

I'll stand in line to congratulate you, sir, for refusing to take this nonsense.

Posted by: Hannah at August 4, 2007 6:45 PM

Jason Lee is obviously milking the bad mainstream film industry for all its worth without the realization that he is a better comedic actor then he gives himself credit for. He's just selling himself really short for, what, the money? Come on! What the hell is up with that anyway? He's not like Rob Schneider or Adam Sandler, who make the same movies again and again, and they all fucking suck. Jason Lee can actually be a funny sarcastic witty actor. He needs to look for roles that allow him to explore his range, not limit it to pointless media-obsessed garbage like this and Alvin and the Chipmunks. How embarassing! Does having kids really cost THAT much?

Posted by: ph at August 4, 2007 7:42 PM

Good job Phillip. The trailer for this alone makes me want to hurt those who thought it was a good idea. Hollywood needs a collective kick in the junk.

Posted by: Melody at August 4, 2007 8:03 PM

LINDSEYS LOHANS movie just crawled leaps and bounds up the SHIT ladder of weekend movies,hot rod ,underfuckingdog i`ll take lindsey!! HOW BOUT IT B-SLIM??

Posted by: pasadenamike at August 4, 2007 8:43 PM

He lives in Fayetteville, AR.

So, Phillip, drowning your sorrows at Hoffbrau? That's where I went on my first date with my first wife. Bwuh! [shudder]

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at August 4, 2007 8:47 PM

Oh, Jason. Did Xenu tell you to make this crap? And Alvin and the Chipmunks?

I hate to do this, but I'm leaving you. Just.. leave me a few piles of money and Kevin Smith's number, and I'll go.

Posted by: Mara at August 4, 2007 9:17 PM

Jason has proven that he can do voice acting for quality kid-focused movies; he was an amazing Syndrome in The Incredibles. Why the hell he signed up for this dreck is beyond me.

I miss Brodie. *sigh*

Posted by: Kelly at August 4, 2007 10:52 PM

I fucking loved Underdog as a kid and I fucking hate the idea that it was somebody's fucking idea of a tax write-off to make a live-action version. When, oh when did Hollywood get so fucking stupid and cynical?

Posted by: tommytimp at August 5, 2007 12:23 AM

Dude, I love your non-review. And your explanation...it's not the CONTENT or the PREMISE of these movies that sucks, it's the mentality behind them. Plus, that credo makes it easier to hand-wave away all these shitty films at once, not one at a time.
But do change "cultural conscience" to "cultural consciousness."

Posted by: Amelia at August 5, 2007 1:40 AM

can't wait for the alvin and the chipmunks review. i smell a shitstorm a-brewin'.

Posted by: MAx at August 5, 2007 4:12 AM

Hey, don't hate on the original cartoon! Review of the movie was spot on though. Who will see it? Anyone old enough to remember won't because it looks terrible and I haven't seen any commercials, so do the kids even know it exists?

Posted by: Whitney at August 5, 2007 7:09 AM

Your grade is "Incomplete", young man. You march right back into that theater and finish watching that movie. This instant!

Posted by: greer at August 5, 2007 9:24 AM

And what would Ms. Polly Purebred think of this? Those who remember will not go to this, but I will seek out old Underdog vids

Posted by: Mr. Hammersmythe at August 5, 2007 9:35 AM

Jason Lee, I want a divorce.

Posted by: piedlourde at August 5, 2007 11:49 AM

I loved Underdog, too.... this is so pathetic. Miss Polly would cry.

Posted by: nancy at August 5, 2007 3:45 PM

Mr. Stephens- That was an excellent review! Thank you for saying "Get Bent, Hollywood!" Just one small critique, please place the word "of" after "one" in the first sentence of the first paragraph. I would be much obliged for it. Again, fan-fucking-tastic review!

Jason Lee, glad to see that the deal with the devil is working out well for ya. Was this and Alvin worth your soul? I hear Hell is good this time of year. Enjoy!

Posted by: Gigi Worthington at August 5, 2007 4:24 PM

"The latest craze that media hacks of all kinds have grabbed hold of is an intellectual copout of the most convenient kind: the remake."

The latest craze? Hollywood's been driving on remake fumes for a good long while now. 15 years at least. 20? 60?

Posted by: Ben at August 6, 2007 2:56 AM

Reading this review and its comments was useful to me for two reasons. The first is I now know I'm not the only one who's disgusted with complete lack of originality in today's big-budget, corporate movies.

The second is the discovery of the single funniest phrase I've ever read: "...smug, unoriginal corporate duchenozzle assclowns."

I think I'll print that on a t-shirt.

Posted by: Robb at August 6, 2007 3:04 AM

Except for the fact that Polly's character was written as a dumb dumb, I kind of liked it. *Sigh* Hate me if you must.

Posted by: mamoo at August 6, 2007 10:54 AM

Brie,

You posted, "Phillip, I'm glad you didn't review this crap"...and then you got boring so I ignored the rest of your post due to the fact that it would just be filled with more bullshit and lies like the one I quoted.

Here's the thing you stupid douchebag, the only possible way that Phillip couldn't have reviewed the movie is if he never wrote anything about it, and never posted such writing to this website.

But that isn't what Phillip did.
Instead Phillip got to see a movie for free, (Yes, he had to pay for his popcorn, so fucking what) and then walked out halfway through, yet he still posted his thoughts on the movie, which in sane, halfway intelligent person constitutes a review.

Posted by: Trevor at August 6, 2007 12:13 PM

So, did you like the film?

Posted by: Brian at August 6, 2007 1:12 PM

I'm think the staff pays to see these movies, however bad they may be.

Posted by: Lex at August 6, 2007 1:22 PM

I saw the first ad for this pile of shit and my first reaction was, "Oh Jesus, how many of God's Laws does THIS violate?" I knew instinctively that it would be a movie of almost "Manos"-like proportions - so rancid even the MST3K boys wouldn't lay a hand on it.
And I saw the trailer for "Alvin and the Chipmunks" at the movies yesterday - I asked (rhetorically) what other childhood memories are going to be defiled by the money whores in Hollywood.

Posted by: The Wanderer at August 7, 2007 9:32 AM

The answer to your question, Wanderer can be found here:

http://www.pajiba.com/gimme-some-pajiba-baby-.htm

Feel free to weep.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at August 7, 2007 10:10 AM

I enjoyed seeing the premiere photos of the dogs in costume. That poor Beagle looked pretty hangdog in that outfit.

Sorry... but somebody had to say it.

Posted by: Mary at August 7, 2007 11:55 AM

Trevor, what the hell is your problem?

Posted by: J at August 7, 2007 12:00 PM

But if they decide to make a live-action Herculoids, that'll be the last straw for me. Then, I'll put a fuckin bullet through the roof of my mouth and be done with it.

Posted by: Amanda H. at August 9, 2007 2:11 PM

Ah, well, at least they didn't make the dog wear shorts and tights. I cling to these things.

This movie aside, dogs would make excellent superheroes. They are so hopeful and earnest.

Who saved the world from the intergalactic menace? You did! Yes, you!!

Posted by: Janis at August 10, 2007 11:19 AM

They filmed some of this movie in Providence, RI where I live. Every day on the way to and from work I got to see a little filming last year. I remember getting shooed by one of the crew members because I accidentally walked into their shot which just happened to be the only way across the canal on that side of town.

Posted by: Danielle at August 10, 2007 3:54 PM

Jason Lee...Oh, how the mighty have fallen...

The title for this review is among the greatest on this site.

Posted by: Eleanor at August 28, 2007 3:28 PM