Pajiba’s First Ever Video Review
Thomas Kinkade’s Home for Christmas / Dustin Rowles
Film Reviews | November 14, 2008 | Comments (98)
We’ve been tracking Thomas Kinkade’s Home for Christmas since Dan, with some disbelief, announced the project was in the works a little over a year ago. Yeah. A movie based on the inspiration behind Kinkade’s Christmas Cottage painting. Say again?
For those of you somehow unfamiliar with Kinkade, Dan best described his work:
If you’re familiar with Kinkade, then you’ve spent a lot of time in waiting rooms for the doctor or dentist, or you could be a seriously maladjusted Southern woman who thinks he’s an artist. Either way, Thomas “Seriously, I’m Painting With Light” Kinkade is world-renowned for producing cheap, bland hackery, the painting world’s equivalent of Jerry Bruckheimer, only instead of explosions, he uses wreaths and log cabins and what have you. He’s fairly well known (sadly) among Christian circles in the South, and his paintings often worm their way ubiquitously into the dorm rooms of all those girls from Post who aren’t quite comfortable with hanging up the Klimt print that everybody else gets freshman year.
We’ve mentioned the project a couple of times over the last year, but a few months ago, the damn thing just dropped off the radar. No trailers. No previews. No press releases. No mentions on the box-office schedule. Just: Poof. It was gone. That is, until Ranylt emailed earlier this week, informing me with some glee that it had gone straight-to-DVD. Not that that was gonna stop me from reviewing it. No sir. Good God! Jared Padalecki! A movie about a shitty painting! That’s comedy gold, people. I’ve spent the last few days dreaming about the joy I was gonna take in ripping on Padalecki. And when I saw the entire cast, I started to have little fits of happy seizures, like an epileptic virgin the night before prom. Check this out: The aforementioned Padalecki, Marcia Gay Harden, Chris Elliot, Richard Moll (“Night Court’s” Bull), Charlotte Rae (“The Facts of Life”), Edward Asner, Kiersten Warren, Aaron Ashmore (“Smallville”) and, inexplicably, Peter O’Toole. It was like a parade of suck. Or what we call around here: My birthday.
But about an hour into Thomas Kinkade’s Home for Christmas, I realized that there was absolutely no way, no how I could do it justice. It’s worse than words can describe — no profanity-fueled metaphors were going relay to you the unbelievably awesome powers of patheticacy therein. It’s not just a bag of dicks — it’s a brown bag special. A soggy bag of dicks your dog finds under a tree and brings home and shreds on your new carpet. That’s Thomas Kinkade’s Home for Christmas, people. And only a video review could appropriately get that point across.
The video is amazingly low-tech — I recorded a scene involved Padalecki and Peter O’Toole and added my own “commentary” with a digital camera and uploaded it on Youtube — but I think it gets the point across. And it does so in less than two minutes.
So here you go, folks: Pajiba’s first ever video review. Watch it soon. Though I do have fair use privileges, I have no doubt that Lionsgate will quickly have this pulled from Youtube:
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Comments
Posted by: Mike R. at November 14, 2008 10:20 AM
NOOOOOO! PETER O'TOOLE, HOW COULD YOU?! Just because the Academy doesn't understand you, doesn't mean the rest of us are the same! I loved you in My Favorite Year, you were heartbreaking in Venus, you amazed me with Ratatouille, hell I thought you were pretty good in Casino Royale and you only had a 30 second bit there.
Just come back from the ledge now, please. We'll find you a nice video game to do voice overs in, and we'll even get you into some prestige pictures so you can try and win that golden statue fair and square. You just have to trust me. *holds out hand*