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Choke on a Roach and Bleed

Superhero Movie / Dustin Rowles

Film Reviews | March 28, 2008 | Comments (174)

You know those forwards you get from friends and family, the ones who still operate on dialup computers and rarely stray away from their AOL homepage for fear of stumbling upon Internet goblins who’ll eat their heart medication (because, like robots, Internet goblins eat old people’s medication for fuel)? They always preface them with, “I rarely do this, but this was just too funny not to share.” Predictably, they’re still about as funny as a punch to uvula on Flag Day (scientifically proven to be the day you’re least likely to expect a punch to the uvula).

However, every great once in a while, you’ll get a decent forward, but it’ll be something you’ve already seen 4,000 times, like the laughing baby or a parody of a parody of a parody of the Obama girl video. I have a friend, in fact, who just last week got around to forwarding the “I’m f*cking Matt Damon” video — that poor oxygen-starved simpleton had apparently just discovered the Internet and didn’t even know that Jimmy Kimmel had already moved on and began a sexual relationship with Ben Affleck (I can safely call him an oxygen-starved simpleton, bless his heart, because there are Internet goblins at the entryway to Pajiba waiting to eat his heart medication).

And that’s basically what the Movie franchise amounts too: Tired jokes your brain-dead cousin who works at Radio Shack would laugh at, or the occasionally funny moment that’s already been exhausted by repetition, like a cubicle germ who still sneezes lines from Swingers or Borat, infecting you with his TB-infected cough blood (see, e.g., the two obnoxious twits on this season’s “Top Chef,” who still speak in Boratian English and pump their fists like Seth Green in a goddamn Rally’s commercial).

So, I’m asking nicely: Stop it. Just fucking stop it. Don’t make anymore of these goddamn movies. None. The only thing left, anyway, is a motherfucking spoof of spoof movies, which would be like watching yourself look at yourself in a mirror, which would probably cause a flatulent rip in the space/time continuum, and we’d all be sucked into a wet fart that’d smell vaguely of Matthew McConaughey’s underarms and Perez Hilton’s swamp-ass.

This is how bad it’s gotten: It’s not even three of the five writers of Scary Movie anymore. It’s one of the eight guys who wrote Scary Movie 3, for fuck’s sake. Drink my shit-milkshake, pisswad. I’m begging you, Craig Mazin, you anus-brained fucknut. Quit it, or I will come to your house club you with a baby seal. They’re not funny, and the only people who think they are (the ones who, invariably, will hand Superhero Movie a $20 opening weekend) shouldn’t be allowed to breed — they should be rounded up, stuffed into the ass end of a donkey suit, and crammed — along with Tyler Perry and the cast of “Laguna Beach/The Hills” — into a crag in Amy Winehouse’s face and be spackled over with the fat of Dan Fogler’s left butt cheek.

The overarching parody in Superhero Movie is of Spiderman: Drake Bell (he of the Nickelodeon Show “Drake & Josh,” which is partially responsible for a generation that fawns over Miley Cyrus, the mutant offspring of one of our generation’s cast-offs) is Rick Riker, the storyline’s Peter Parker, who is bitten by a dragonfly after a DNA-scrambled zoo nearly humps him to death after it catches a whiff of some superpheremone Rick dumps on himself. Marion Ross (TV’s Mrs. C.) plays Dragonfly’s ass-breathing aunt, while Leslie Nielson plays Uncle Albert, who gets to perform an integrity-defying scene in which he fucks a dead woman in her coffin and then offers up a coupon for the cremation of his wife’s remains. The Dragonfly’s back story comes compliments of The Dark Knight, while his training comes via an X-Men spoof, starring Tracey Jordan as Professor Xavier and Pamela Anderson as Invisibitch. Shooter McGavin plays the movie’s Green Goblinesque supervillain, Hourglass, whose survival depends on literally sucking the life out of his victims, much like the experience of watching Superhero Movie.

Sadly, for a spoof movie, Craig Mazin has apparently only seen four superhero movies, and steals liberally from those, while throwing in a few Stephen Hawking voice gags, which are about as funny as terrorist plots. Meanwhile, the rest of the movie’s jokes mostly amount to cast members screaming out, “YouTube!” MySpace!” “Craigslist!” or “Wikipedia!” under the sad delusion that Internet references are in and of themselves funny. They are not, nor is Superhero Movie.

And David Zucker, who produced, should crawl up into the fetal position and abort himself for allowing Superhero Movie to see the light of day, further tarnishing a genre that’s been gradually sinking into a morass of unintelligence since he came up with Airplane! 28 years ago. In fact, if I have to see one more of these goddamn films, I swear to God I’m going to single-handedly chainsaw gang-bang the Weinstein Brothers in the ear for shitting the green that funds them, those fucking jabronified butter trolls. I can only hope that someone brings a class action lawsuit against them for infecting the Earth with malignant stupidity.

Dustin Rowles is the publisher of Pajiba. He lives with his wife and son in Ithaca, New York. You may email him, or leave a comment below.


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Comments

Dustin, all I can say is, thank you for taking the bullet for us.

Posted by: llism at March 28, 2008 3:34 PM

Internet goblins

Is this a veiled reference to TK's zombies?

Leslie Nielson? He of Naked Gun? Wow, I am embarrassed for him. Pamela Anderson, I expect this of, but Mr. Nielson, for shame.

Posted by: Melody at March 28, 2008 3:34 PM

And not that it matters, but it's Nielsen.

Posted by: llism at March 28, 2008 3:39 PM

See, _this_ is why I come to Pajiba. Nice job, Dustin. It's hard to believe that the man (or one of the men, anyway) responsible for Airplane! is responsible for this film and its predecessors. Surely you can't be serious!

Posted by: Armando at March 28, 2008 3:39 PM

Oh godtopus. I'm a Marvel tattoo havin', Heroes defendin', absurdly hard to squash optimist of the genre, but bleck.

Not even toddler avoidance could cause me to tune this in.

Posted by: replica at March 28, 2008 3:40 PM

Jesus, Dustin. Tell us how you really feel.

Posted by: Withnail at March 28, 2008 3:41 PM

...which would probably cause a flatulent rip in the space/time continuum, and we'd all be sucked into a wet fart that'd smell vaguely of Matthew McConaughey's underarms and Perez Hilton's swamp-ass.

Hot damn, that's about the funniest thing I've read all week.

Of course, I'm at a new job and have basically been reading a textbook all week. So, there's that. But still, that's really funny. I'd been waiting for this review all day. Thanks for delivering in fine form.

Posted by: Sean at March 28, 2008 3:42 PM

Damn! Well, there go my plans for tonight.

Posted by: Kylie at March 28, 2008 3:50 PM

Soooo... was it good?

You know, just because you high-falutin' reviewers don't like a movie doesn't make it bad. I bet this movie will make a bajillion dollars, which will prove you assholes wrong. Sometimes you just want to watch a dumb movie, you know? Also, I don't appreciate you talking shit about Radio Shack. They provide quality electronic goods at a very reasonable price, you cunt sack.

[/gratuitous sarcasm]

::vomits::

Posted by: TK at March 28, 2008 3:52 PM

"they should be rounded up, stuffed into the ass end of a donkey suit, and crammed -- along with Tyler Perry and the cast of "Laguna Beach/The Hills" -- into a crag in Amy Winehouse's face and be spackled over with the fat of Dan Fogler's left butt cheek"

Um... Could someone, anyone figure out a way for this to actually happen? I've got like, $67.39 in my savings account, and while I know it's not alot, maybe some other commenters could pony up some dough and we can pay the smartest of the bunch to get working on a way of making dustin's comment a reality... Hell, I'll even throw in my spare set of MurderTank keys...

At least (I hope) Anna Farris found a way to get out of this Dollar-Store string of sloppy, unlubed "Movie" beads...

That was way too fucking gross. Sorry...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at March 28, 2008 3:52 PM

I'm currently working on Movie Movie, which is a brilliant parody of the making of the Movie genres. Actually, I just videotaped a bunch of monkeys masturbating on to a laptop, but I made sure to put some of them in funny hats and wigs, because you know, character development is important.

Then I videotaped myself with a cameraphone while I was making Movie Movie, mostly just drinking alot and swearing. It's a mockdocumentary called Movie Movie Movie.

I posted everything on YouTube, got a deal from Fox for a three episode sitcom, told them it was a movie, they optioned it for a cartoon they stole from the Cartoon Network based on an Anime that was based on a French movie that was based on a story Jesus told to Buddha back when they were working at Falafel Hut.

I've already been signed on to do Movie Movie Movie Movie and 80's Toys Movie Movie Movie Movie Duck Movie.

I dedicated the script to memory of my father, Major Major Major Major.

Posted by: insertclevernamehere at March 28, 2008 3:52 PM

I feel you, Dustin. Not that I would go to see this, but if I did, I wouldn't even have the energy to yell at the screen or throw crap at it. This well has been sucked so dry, they're practically spitting in it.

Seriously, how much more are they gonna churn out? I also considered the frightening aspect of a spoof movie spoofing spoofs (sounds like a bad Dr. Seuss reference). What then? Is that even possible?

Posted by: Brie at March 28, 2008 3:53 PM

I'm detecting some bitterness here.

Also, I've marked June 14 on my calendar as the day to be hypervigilant regarding fisticuffs and my uvula.

Posted by: Nicole at March 28, 2008 3:54 PM

The only superhero parody movie you will ever need is Mystery Men.

Posted by: phquaryn at March 28, 2008 3:55 PM

Poor Drake Bell. Still, it's not like he had anything better to do.

This is really good preparation for the humiliation he'll undoubtedly endure as he out-ages his tweenage fans. Give him credit for scoping out the long, downhill slide into aging child star with resignation if not dignity.

Posted by: Wednesday at March 28, 2008 3:58 PM

into a crag in Amy Winehouse's face and be spackled over with the fat of Dan Fogler's left butt cheek.

You have effectively murdered, dismembered, covered in lye and buried my libido, Dustin. And it will take the prayers of every member of TOOTBOG to resurrect it.

Posted by: Julie at March 28, 2008 3:58 PM

"David Zucker, who produced, should crawl up into the fetal position and abort himself"

Heh.

Posted by: Kim at March 28, 2008 3:58 PM

Le sigh. One more movie to add to the shitstack that makes the baby Godtopus ink. What are the chances, do you think, that sometime before we've all died of toxic annoyance, the people who make these will figure out that this type of parody is only halfway funny in 90 second bits? I just...I don't know. These spoofs make me so tired. They're never going to go away, either, because they always make money.

Posted by: Sarina at March 28, 2008 4:00 PM

insertclevernamehere, that was tremendous. May I now have your children?

Posted by: llism at March 28, 2008 4:00 PM

This review contains, quite possibly, some of the grossest material I've ever read. The Amy Winehouse thing could compete with the Wikipedia description of '2 girls 1 cup' for Most Revolting Mental Image EVER.

Eeeeeeeeeeew, I need to go get a drink and nurse my wounds.

Posted by: tt_marie at March 28, 2008 4:08 PM

Oh, and insertclevernamehere:

I'd totally see 80's Toys Movie Movie Movie...Movie Movie?

Sorry guys, I would. It sounds pretty kick ass. Even if it just features Julie's nekkid Barbie (feet gnawed off, obviously...come ON, who didn't gnaw on Barbie feet!) fighting with TK's Care Bear and Skit's My Little Pony. Er, especially if that.

Posted by: tt_marie at March 28, 2008 4:13 PM

Sarina: ...that makes the baby Godtopus ink. That's fantastic.

Skittimus: I'll pledge twenty-five whole dollars and four cents to the Pajibans for the Obliteration of Obnoxious People Fund. (Familiarly known henceforth as The POOP Fund.) Everyone's donations are appreciated.

inserclevernamehere: I'll consider revising my donation to POOP to make sure I have the funds to see Movie Movie Movie Movie when it shits into theaters this fall! (Well done.)

Posted by: Sean at March 28, 2008 4:15 PM

Pleaseohpleaseohplease tell me there are boob jokes in this! And racial jokes - ohmygawsh I luuuv racial jokes! And poop jokes - man alive, you can never have too many poop jokes! Wow, I'm actually staring to giggle... D'ya think they'll make... Oh I dunno, a "Bible Movie"? God (pun intended) that'd be sooo funny! Or an "Auschwitz Movie"? THEY COULD BE SO TONGUE-IN-CHEEK!! The only thing funnier than these is my "Dorf On Golf" video cassettes. Anybody who can't laugh at those is... well, let's just say I won't be lending them my "Cathy" comic-strip anthologies. Fucking commies...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at March 28, 2008 4:15 PM

[Disclaimer: As some of you may know I am a giant geek (not quite as much as a geek as replica though apparently, my tattoo is only based on a Marvel character - the White Queen, thanks for asking) with a giant girl-boner for the superhero genre, I also have kind of a soft spot for parody movies (never fear children, I'm talking Hot Shots or Naked Gun not Meet the Motherfucking Spartans).]

The very idea of this film makes my soul want to curl up into the foetal position on the cold tiled floor of my psyche and rock the pain away while softly singing lullabies to itself. Meanwhile my conscience is studiously avoiding looking in the direction of Righteous Anger and Fangirl Fury (there's a really interesting debate on stem cell research on the Discovery Chanel, it's watching that - you know, really making sure it understands the issues). They, on the other hand, are undertaking target practice, reading up on the Spanish inquisition's preferred methods and sharpening axes (they are traditionalists and also rather literal). My sense of common decency is starting the car, initially it had mixed feelings about the whole thing but then my powers of reasoning sat it down with Ultimate Spiderman and Batman Year one, it then produced a YouTube clip of the Superhero Movie trailer and Pamela Anderson's CV. Common decency was soon swayed and as fired up as any other member of the cause.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at March 28, 2008 4:16 PM

Stop reviewing the "Movie" movies! I really think if we all refuse to acknowledge they exist, they'll go away!

Posted by: Patrick C at March 28, 2008 4:17 PM

I'm sure Dustins' review is far funnier than the movie ever hopes to be, so thanks.

My favorite part: "Predictably, they're still about as funny as a punch to uvula on Flag Day (scientifically proven to be the day you're least likely to expect a punch to the uvula)."

Posted by: Wormer at March 28, 2008 4:19 PM

Barbies are stupid plastic mini ho-bags with stupid disproportionate boobs and stupid froofy clothes. I would never play with a doll that would marry a man with no junk.

...

Can my Cheetara toy play instead?

Posted by: Julie at March 28, 2008 4:20 PM

Can I bring my Rainbow Brite?

Posted by: Nicole at March 28, 2008 4:23 PM

You know, just when I think that Pajiba had lost a little of it's bite, you lay reviews like this upon our unworthy foreheads. Ohhh, the hate. Ohhh, the rampant bitchiness and snark...it warms the cockles of this old internet troll's heart.

Reminds me of the good old days back in nineteen diggity ought when Paul Haggis couldn't wake up in the morning without checking the dark orners of his bedroom for a Pajiba reviewer waiting to pounce on him and tear him to shreds.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go eat TK's heart...uh, heart medicine, I mean.

Posted by: Manny at March 28, 2008 4:26 PM

Good Afternoon, Sean:

I'm assuming you're running POOP. This post is to inform you that TOOTBOG would be more than happy help move POOP along. Sounds like you corny nuts in POOP could use all the community support you can get.

I've reserved a booth at the fair grounds so we can pass out POOPTOOTBOG bumperstickers and pasties...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at March 28, 2008 4:28 PM

Julie, you are not playing with your Barbies correctly. Mine lived a soap opera like existence, complete with amnesia, divorces/remarriages, affairs with G.I. Joe, and children stealing.

It was really fun.

Posted by: Melody at March 28, 2008 4:31 PM

Julie, you're comment makes me laugh, but it made me laugh harder when I read "Babies" instead of "Barbies." Non sequiter? Yes, but hilarious? Also yes.

I shall bring Tela and Cringer (or Battle Cat if I can find the facemask/saddle thing).

Posted by: elizabeth at March 28, 2008 4:31 PM

POOPTOOTBOG....

makes me giggle...

Posted by: Wormer at March 28, 2008 4:35 PM

The Hit movie from 1 of the 2 creators of LOLCats!
YouTube Movie!

Starring:
Chris Crocker as the Hero(ine)
The "Don't Taze Me Bro!" Guy as the Hero's friend
Charlie as the villain: The Fingerbiter!
The Two Girls from "Two Girls One Cup" as the crime fighting duo: The Poo Two!
Special Guest: Elijah Wood and his "Yo Gabba Gabba!" dance!

This Summer, will you be F*cking Matt Damon?

Posted by: Kamikaze Feminist at March 28, 2008 4:49 PM

Ẹlégba on a pogo stick, insertclevernamehere, I didn't even laugh, I just proceeded straight to wheezing. I think I ruptured something vital. If llism has your babies, can I be their Godtoparents?

Posted by: Geetch at March 28, 2008 4:52 PM

POOPTOOTBOG

Best. Acronym. EVER!

I wholly support pooptootboggery. Skittimus, don't forget the complimentary POOPTOOTBOG airline bags. For those bumpy rides when you simply must pray to someone...pray the right way.

I shall bring Tela and Cringer (or Battle Cat if I can find the facemask/saddle thing).

Why did my mind go to bad places when mentioning the only female He-Man action figure and a big cat?

...
...

Back on topic...I called this. As soon as I saw the very first clip of the very first trailer, I ran into my roommate's room, screamed "WTF!!!", and left again. Which, in retrospect, was made really awkward by the fact that he was mid-coitus with his girlfriend...but whatever. He started talking to me again last week, so we're good. I have lost all respect for Leslie Nielsen (I mean, even before Spy Hard). Seriously, he should go back to doing drama again....that would be funny.

Seriously, retire or something. For everybody else....where did I put that sword...? The only honorable thing to do is to offer them the option of ritual suicide or public execution with a blunt guillotine shot out of NapVag's crotch while Barbies are driven into their eyeballs...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 28, 2008 4:55 PM

It may be too late, but I hereby pledge $167.89 to get rid of all those responsible for this monstrosity--including Leslie Nielsen who should know better unless he has become absolutely senile and these movies are the only way he keeps himself in medication and a decent nursing home. Since we have not yet raised all that much money, I don't think we will be able to fully fund Dakaron's plan, but it does sound fun.

Posted by: Marifer71 at March 28, 2008 5:01 PM

And speaking of "2 Girls 1 Cup" (in a roundabout way), the Wikipedia article for it says "The video has inspired several parodies, such as a short film by singer and comedian John Mayer." Since when does thinking oneself is funny make one a comedian?

Posted by: Geetch at March 28, 2008 5:01 PM

insertclevernamehere : that is about the funnies thing I have read on Pajiba. And I mean no disrespect to Dustin, Seth, et al... but my god, I laughed so hard my boss came in so see what all the commotion was about, I put my hand over my mouth trying to stop, only to fail so miserably I shot a snot bugar on his face as I laughed out my nose... causing even more hysterical laugher that I literrally busted a nut (the left one if you must know). ALthough now in excrusiating pain, unable to walk or sit, and having my sex life (both public and private) gone, I still must thank you... that was awesome!

Posted by: Nico at March 28, 2008 5:04 PM

The only thing left, anyway, is a motherfucking spoof of spoof movies, which would be like watching yourself look at yourself in a mirror, which would probably cause a flatulent rip in the space/time continuum...

don't you mean... the space time rectinuum?

Posted by: razh at March 28, 2008 5:05 PM

I may incur wrath for this, Geetch, but I laughed my ass of at the short-lived John Mayer Has a TV Show on VH1 (MTV?). He may not qualify as a comedian, and surely his douchebag quotient has increased since the heady days of the early aughts, but that was some funny shit. The "focus group" he had with 16 year old New Hampshire girls had me crying with hilarity.

Posted by: elizabeth at March 28, 2008 5:09 PM

Isn't it Tracy Morgan and not Tracey Jordan or am I missing a joke?

Posted by: Chris at March 28, 2008 5:23 PM

i almost want to make my son read this review. he has been begging me to take him to see this movie for weeks. to be fair i think he is only asking me because i frakkin' HATE Drake & Josh. HATE HATE HATE that c^(ksuckin show. whenever he wants to piss me off he turns it on--i swear it is on 24/7--because he knows that stupid people acting stupid is one of my pet peeves (unless they are on BB or Beauty & the Geek, then it is funny) and he knows that i would hate this movie. he is turning into a little frakker, just like me.

that said, my new superhero name is going to be Invisibitch. it perfectly describes my personality.

Posted by: pq at March 28, 2008 5:41 PM

What flavour of porn is this? (parody porn to too fecking obvious)

lobotomy patient porn?

constant drooler porn?

brother/sister spawn porn?


The rule of three rules

Posted by: cockroach at March 28, 2008 5:44 PM

*is too

preview is your friend


preview is your friend


preview is your friend

Posted by: cockroach at March 28, 2008 5:46 PM

If it wasn't so below me, I'd ask if any of the female commenters wanted to choke on my roach


*nudge nudge wink wink*

Posted by: cockroach at March 28, 2008 5:50 PM

You are a gentleman and a scholar, Dustin. The language and the words you use in this review can best be described as inspiring and sardonic.

Now, stop torturing yourself and go write a review for a good fucking movie jabroni!

Posted by: RAT at March 28, 2008 5:53 PM

I walked out after "Fatboy" a little while ago(nice enough little story with some giggles and I really like some of the people in it, which is what made it work well enough for me. I'm completely unoffended if not wholly impressed, but I had a pretty good time) and I see this one sheet.

"No, no, Tracy, no", I said. Chris, I'm not sure who's completely who, but I suppose Tracy *Jordan* is the one who should be starring in this movie. Involvement by Morgan gives me a disappointed little wince. Seeing Regina Hall just made me think "guess you just haven't earned it yet, baby. Anna seems to have gotten out. Hold on".

Holy fuck, Ted Stryker is in this movie?!?!?! Oh that is just TOO sad.

I'm surprised this review's even here, but I should know better than to underestimate the staff's work ethic and fearlessness. My 12" Ben Kenobi would hang out with my sister's Barbies. He was basically wearing blue swim trunks under the robe so he was ready to party and probably "jacuzzi" as Chris Klein would verb it. Hey, we got creative and rewrote our toys. It was fun.

And the truly offensive thing about the Sex and the City trailer I saw was the Vonda Shepard-esque cover of Don Henley's "Heart of the Matter" playing over it. Bad, bad news.

Posted by: Jay at March 28, 2008 6:01 PM

Leslie Nielsen plays Uncle Albert, who gets to perform an integrity-defying scene in which he fucks a dead woman in her coffin and then offers up a coupon for the cremation of his wife's remains.

I can't even be angry, that is just plain depressing. Civilisation on the brink of collapse debauched and sick.

The comments on this site probably made me laugh a hundred times (or well 20) more than the movie ever would. But there is zero risk I'd ever watch it.

Could this be humiliation porn?

Posted by: AHA at March 28, 2008 6:07 PM

Tyler Perry, sir, is a genius!

Posted by: D at March 28, 2008 6:27 PM

Tyler Perry, sir, is a genius!

Why would you say that? Are you trying to give me chronic liver failure? *sigh* I should know better that to play PDG with a Randomgenre Movie review.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at March 28, 2008 6:30 PM

Truly, this level of hilarity cannot continue. I fear Pajiba is at the brink of jumping the shark, since nothing gold can stay, and these comments are at the level of the first season of The Sopranos. I believe soon we will all be at a swingers vacation in Punta Cana talking about Pajiba's heydey. Like Studio 54. Seriously.

Posted by: patchfire at March 28, 2008 6:31 PM

I'd like to take the fucker green-lighting this and rape him with "The Naked Gun" Box set....sideways.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at March 28, 2008 6:56 PM

That sir, was sarcasm!

Posted by: D at March 28, 2008 7:07 PM

"Predictably, they're still about as funny as a punch to uvula on Flag Day (scientifically proven to be the day you're least likely to expect a punch to the uvula)."

Dustin, your mind must travel to a frightful place to find these little gems.

Posted by: greer at March 28, 2008 7:25 PM

These movies make me weep for humanity.

Posted by: Popsi_zen at March 28, 2008 7:29 PM

Why don't you all just start reviewing the trailers for movies like this instead of the actual movie?

Posted by: Some Guy at March 28, 2008 7:33 PM

"The only superhero parody movie you will ever need is Mystery Men."

phquaryn - thank you for the reminder. I will go watch that instead. And squee inside a tiny bit at Eddie Izzard in disco-wear. And Hank Azaria in general.

Actually, I just realized that was the last movie I didn't hate Ben Stiller in. Hmm.

Posted by: Anne (in Reno) at March 28, 2008 7:38 PM

"That sir, was sarcasm!"

Oh, dear. Alex, how many shots is it for every time someone calls you a dude? I think I gotta call in some favours to get myself bumped up on the transplant list. I'm gonna need that new liver a whole lot sooner than I thought.

Posted by: Sarina at March 28, 2008 7:39 PM

"Disco is NOT dead" Disco is LIFE!"

"Yes! That is the passion!"


Talk about underappreciated.

Posted by: Jay at March 28, 2008 7:44 PM

Just watched Mystery Men lately...it was so under appreciated, even now. It's such a well-done parody, and yeah...Eddie Izzard was great. Everybody was well cast in that movie.

And yes, I did say everybody. That's the last time I ever found Janeane Garoffalo attractive...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 28, 2008 7:49 PM

I'm gonna need that new liver a whole lot sooner than I thought.

Well "Sarina" is a pretty butch name, what with shlong-looking "S" and that guttural "r," so I don't see it stopping anytime soon.

You should probably do what I did: just take half of your liver out now and save it for later. It'll keep. Plus, when you're really taxing the current one, you can just swap it out for the other half and the night will last twice as long!

Posted by: SpazzyMcGee at March 28, 2008 7:57 PM

"Well "Sarina" is a pretty butch name, what with shlong-looking "S" and that guttural "r," so I don't see it stopping anytime soon."

Uhh...no offense, but what the holy hell are you talking about? Cuz I was talking about how people are always assuming Alex is a guy, when clearly she is not.

I guess if people want to start thinking I'm also a guy, then whatever. As long as they don't touch my liquor, they can think whatever they like.

Posted by: Sarina at March 28, 2008 8:12 PM

And yes, I did say everybody. That's the last time I ever found Janeane Garoffalo attractive...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 28, 2008 7:49 PM

Me too.

Posted by: Alabamapink at March 28, 2008 8:18 PM

"Well "Sarina" is a pretty butch name, what with shlong-looking "S" and that guttural "r," so I don't see it stopping anytime soon."


I object to the gratuitous use of the word "schlong" shame on the first one who posted and Sarina (who might be a hard-drinking doode)...for repeating it.

I suggest the more Pajiba-appropriate: ManSausage.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at March 28, 2008 8:39 PM

So, the writers of this movie stole the Stephen Hawking humor from the high school kids I saw on the public bus this afternoon. Awesome.

Posted by: kelsy at March 28, 2008 9:12 PM

I hope this movie makes 100 million dollars, this is what passes for entertainment. I hope that fucking cunt Hilton makes a Hootie2 just so I can sit back and laugh my ass off. You all want to make Tyler Perry come through the back door of Hollywood and let shit like this walk on red carpet through the front door. Where is the social commentary concerning this movie? Why isn't this director who happens to be white made to answer questions concerning his movie and it's effects on the white community? Why is this movie not being asked the same asinine questions as it relates to race as Tyler Perry's movies are?


Pooks 3/28/08

Posted by: Pookie at March 28, 2008 9:31 PM

and....tenacious D, pookie. well done.

Posted by: patchfire at March 28, 2008 9:34 PM

I agree, Pookie...I'm thoroughly offended by the fact that nobody has mentioned that while they have a white superhero as the lead, and black superheroes as more powerful superheroes....there is no hispanic superhero!!! That's messed up. I call racism! It's horrific, is what it is. Blatant. Offensive. Did I say that already?

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 28, 2008 9:58 PM

TK,
Puh-zah? I've heard of cunts, I've heard of sacks. But my understanding was that nary the twain shall meet. And if they do--for whatever reason--the medical community is somehow involved. Unless you're Ed Gein. I hope that's not what you're saying.

Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Besser at March 28, 2008 10:28 PM

Why is this movie not being asked the same asinine questions as it relates to race as Tyler Perry's movies are?

Because their aren't droves of white people jumping on the Internet to lay prideful claim to this?

Because no white person is touting it as great white cinema?

Because no white person in their right mind is going to say that a black or brown person who thinks it sucks "just doesn't get it" or "doesn't relate"?

Because everyone with two functioning brain cells can see it is a piece of crap that deserves to be mocked, regardless of race?

Because the same questions ARE being asked, but the answers are so obvious that a retarded rhino can figure them out?

Because you really wish to start a dialogue, but you definitely picked the wrong movie to do it with (I suggest a Larry the Cable Guy film)?

Because shit happens?

Pick one. If you need more, just ask.

Posted by: Vermillion at March 28, 2008 10:33 PM

What a nice surprise, hello Claude. I had a hunch they were going to call you and tell you to take this one. Anyway I'll be brief, nice talking points by the way. My question is why aren't white directors called on to answer questions about race like Perry is?

Posted by: Pookie at March 28, 2008 11:00 PM

DAMN! That review brought the NOISE! I finally see why "internet movie reviewer" is a legitimate job title.

Also, the first time you mentioned a punch to the uvula, I read vulva. It was a great couple of seconds.

Posted by: Kiki at March 28, 2008 11:07 PM

So I was having an awful day, and I come and read this. The review and comments just turned my day around!

I will come to your house club you with a baby seal

That reminded me of Kingdom of Loathing ((many a people I know are obsessed with it)). Dustin the Seal Clubber?

I can also add about $12 to the POOP fund, I would have more but buying unusual pets makes for non-existant savings.

Whoever said that 2 girls 1 cup has a Wikipedia page really needs help. I mean, gross how do you even know that?! But I agree, this review did make me practically hurl because of the mental images.

Posted by: Kay at March 28, 2008 11:16 PM

Don't mince words, Dustin; tell us how you really feel about this movie.

Posted by: magsman at March 28, 2008 11:17 PM

IF A MOVIE SUCKS IT JUST SUCKS IT DOESN'T MATTER THE RACE OF THE PEOPLE INVOLVED BECAUSE SUCK IS JUST SUCKY AND IT FUCKING SUCKS SUCKILLY!

This is a fucking stupid movie that had all intents on being a piece of shit. Period. It doesn't matter if a fucking Wayans directed it, a fucking Sandler directed it, or if a absinthe-wrecked two-year old with a lazy eye and mixed ethic backround directed it. IT IS A PIECE. OF. SHIT. Perry didn't get called out on his flick because of race - he got called out because it was a shitty movie...At least in Pajibaville, he did. If there are other interviewers/reviewers insistent on bringing race into the mix, they should have either A: their scrotums boiled in bacon grease, or B: have their lady-bits glueded together.

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at March 28, 2008 11:23 PM

Skitt, your spelling takes a beating when you angry type. But way to articulate your anger with that little bit at the end there.

Note to self: Never make Skittimus Maximus or Minimus angry. I don't want to be buried behind a motel or have my lady-bits glued together...

Posted by: Kay at March 28, 2008 11:29 PM

That's right, Kay - I pick Skits One and skits two for my dodgeball team.

And Pookie...and Alex and Sarina and Jo Mama. (Not out to play favorites - I just think this combo would be a brawl-in-a-bottle. You should see my shortlist for depraved scrabble.)

We'd be the tattoo'dest, most logo'd, and most likely to hair pull. Alex would be coach and lead head-knocker togetherer. I'd call us Situational Rage, and first among our talents would be stupefying the enemy as they attempt to figure out who's gonna throw hardest.

Posted by: replica at March 29, 2008 12:13 AM

But it does matter Skittimus, because if Wayans or Perry directed it Mr. Williams would be complaining about the characters being buffoons. But strangely if Sandler directed it Mr. Williams wouldn't have a complaint. My only concern is that Wayans or Perry be allowed to make shitty movies without race being brought up by the reviewer. I haven't been a long time member of pajiba, but I can almost guarantee that every movie directed by Perry or any other African American that's been critiqued by a pajiba staff member has mentioned the race of that director.

Posted by: Pookie at March 29, 2008 12:25 AM

Very funny Shadows of Dakaron, you know damn well can't no Hispanic be no superhero, not unless he's going to be the world's fastest tile layer.

Posted by: Pookie at March 29, 2008 12:39 AM

Thanks for the kind words Alex the uninteresting. I assure you I've not blindly stop defending Perry, at this point in time my rants are starting to take a toll on me. My reality is so very different from yours, you've become a part of that group in society that sucks on the nipples of ordinary and plain. Your quest to be different is really a cry to be noticed. Pajiba is a place, a shelter for the shy and timid to speak without protest. Many who have questioned me concerning my favor of Perry fail to understand what he's trying to accomplish, so I'm not surprised by your attacks on me. Your thoughts are at best a comedy of errors displayed for all to see in this corner of the web. I grow weary of my own existence in this place that is run by mediocrity , my earthly coil ravaged by toxins, disease and corruption. Your thoughts will be your undoing.


Originally posted on 3/26/08, reprinted with permission from Pookie.

Posted by: Pookie at March 29, 2008 12:47 AM

"You all want to make Tyler Perry come through the back door of Hollywood and let shit like this walk on red carpet through the front door"

Only so the sniper can get a clearer shot. I don't see where your comment is coming from. It would imply the reviewer and all the commentators have been supporting this movie. Has the fact people have nearly vomited or claimed they will club the writers with a baby seal been unclear about their feelings?

Also, I believe that race is brought up in Tyler Perry's case because it is an integral part of his storytelling. He seems to be trying to shine light on a part of the American population that doesn't often get a voice in Hollywood. If a, let's say, Russian director made a movie about a Russian family you can bet his origin would have come into play because it would be a big part of the story. If he, or Tyler Perry, directed something like Superhero Movie I can assure you that no mention of his race or ethnicity would have been brought up. It isn't the focus of the movie so it's not important. In this case the focus of this movie is to make us all commit suicide, which, is what Dustin focused on. That's my humble opinion.

Posted by: LittleDead at March 29, 2008 1:12 AM

What a nice surprise, hello Claude. I had a hunch they were going to call you and tell you to take this one. Anyway I'll be brief, nice talking points by the way. My question is why aren't white directors called on to answer questions about race like Perry is?

Wasn't really called in, more like bored while fixing some sound issues on my PC.

Folks, it is clear that, even though time and again various members of the Pajiba community explain our position with varying levels of intensity, Pookie will steadfastly believe that there is some sort of racial bias against Perry. He even actively seeks out the worst films on the site and uses them as some sort of example of a bias, as if it is our fault Hollywood makes shitty movies. I don't know if it is an honest viewpoint, or if it is just an excuse to bullshit the commenters into another pointless argument, and frankly I don't care anymore.

Pookie, you win. Yes, we all hate Parry because he is black and makes black movies about black people we can't black understand. Black people black black black eyed peas black black black black panthers black black black black black ball black black black black black...

...whoops, gotta a little stuck in a logic loop there.

Anyway, you win, okay? Even though we will still hate Tyler Perry without one ounce of guilt, and I for one am still going to be railing against his insipid stories, Styrofoam characters, and half-assed jokes, you WIN. You are absolutely right. It should not be about race. There should be no distinction or category for him all by his lonesome. Perry sucks all on his own, and most certainly should be included in the same breath as this film and worse. So let us all take a step back and remember: Tyler Perry is indeed a cancerous nut sack of talent, but it is because he makes horrible movies, not because he makes horrible BLACK movies.

Besides, I know Spike Lee has to be thanking God for Perry, since nobody is going to make fun of "She Hate Me" again.

Posted by: Vermillion at March 29, 2008 1:43 AM

"Drink my shit-milkshake, pisswad."

I hate that TWBB is becoming motherfucking 300. Everyone is quoting it to hell, ESPECIALLY people who haven't seen it. I really just don't want it ruined for me.

Commentor's Note: 300 sucked from the get go.

Posted by: Kevin Longrie at March 29, 2008 1:49 AM

Y'know, Pookie, I find it hard to swallow any views you may have on racism or the comments brought up on this site,when you deliver such tender comments as:

"Very funny Shadows of Dakaron, you know damn well can't no Hispanic be no superhero, not unless he's going to be the world's fastest tile layer."

And who can forget this gem:

"I'm surprised this movie didn't do as well as expected, seeing as that half a fag Spacey is in it."

How 'bout that, folks? another hand for Pookie, the oxymoron commentator! Order now, and receive this timeless classic:

"Pajiba is a place, a shelter for the shy and timid to speak without protest."

Brilliant! Let's all give a hand to the Douche of the Fucking Month, Pookie! Listen, I'm not shy nor timid, Pookster - so you wanna protest my comments on your asinine posts - have fucking at it.

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at March 29, 2008 1:59 AM

Holy shit, you guys! They just signed Michael Bay to do the remake of Movie Movie! Son of a bitch!

(I was going to originally say Tyler Perry, but I figured the implication of stating that one of the monkeys was going to dress up like an old sassy black lady was far too much unintentionally racism for the site to handle, and we'd implode in a black hole. Oh, shit, I mean a white hole. I mean a hispanic hole. I mean just a hole. Just one safe harmonous homogenized gentrified hole.)

Posted by: insertclevernamehere at March 29, 2008 2:25 AM

Holy shit, insertclevernameheere... That,,, that offended me on a level that... Jesus, man. Have a goddamed heart!

By the way, "Just one safe harmonous homogenized gentrified hole" sounds like church porn... Just sayin'.

Posted by: Skittimus Offendimus at March 29, 2008 2:42 AM

Oh, and did you see the way instead of three dots like so: "...", I did the much more "Christ, I'm offended" triple comma? Didja see that?

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at March 29, 2008 2:45 AM

Oh, and the fact that I spelled your name wrong? That means I was really offended...

Posted by: Skitimus Fuckedupitus at March 29, 2008 2:47 AM

Can you get a hernia from laughing too much? This is a serious question guys. I literally cannot breathe. This is just too much.

But enough already. We already have to contend with these asinine discussions when legitimate reviews discuss race...let's not just bring it up willy-nilly and try to start flame wars because we're bored, Pookie.

And I freely admit my own wrong-doing by egging him on. I apologize for that...I'm suffering jet-lag and thought it would be fun.

Let's save this for actual race-related movies. This movie was just shit, as Skittimus so wonderfully stated...it doesn't really matter the race of whoever directed and/or wrote it...what matters is that their mothers forgot to stop breastfeeding them past the age of 12.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 29, 2008 3:32 AM

But, did you like it?

Posted by: FuttBuckers at March 29, 2008 4:14 AM

You people need to stop using the word "porn" to describe these assinine film genres. You are soiling the reputation of porn which I hold dearly.

Posted by: JP at March 29, 2008 4:48 AM

Holy shit. I lost my internet connection for one night (fuck you, Comcast) and look what happened. Skitt's multiple personalities run rampant and Pookie makes racist cracks about Hispanic labor.

Pook, I'll be sending my cousin the Puerto Rican drill sergeant/police lieutenant over to beat the ever-loving piss out of you. I think he's free Wednesday.

Sorry, this just really pissed me off, and Pajiba never pisses me off. I just saw that and couldn't walk (click) away.

Posted by: Nicole at March 29, 2008 8:08 AM

Commentor's Note: 300 sucked from the get go.

No, 300 was stupid. 'Superhero Movie' sucks. There is a difference.

Just because a movie is stupid doesn't mean it sucks. Shoot 'em Up was unforgivably stupid. It was also awesome.

This Message Brought To You By The Council For More Stupid and Less Sucking.

Posted by: twig at March 29, 2008 9:42 AM

Great fucking review. Now, unfortunately, I have images of a chainsaw gang bang in my head. Not pretty.

Posted by: Spork at March 29, 2008 9:57 AM

I'm not surprised by the vicious attacks I'm receiving. When man is shown his hypocrisy he either acknowledges it or he dismisses it as some sort of foolishness. I would have thought that you high minded people would at least have let the light of truth shine into your dark hearts.


Listen Nicole, I have nothing but wonderful things to say about the Puerto Rican people. I think that Francis Poncherello is a national treasure and a man that you all can be proud of.

Posted by: Pookie at March 29, 2008 10:01 AM

I'm with JP, man. Thou shalt not take the word "porn" in vain. That's just fucking offensive.

Posted by: MO at March 29, 2008 10:19 AM

....not to mention, offensive to fucking.....

Posted by: MO at March 29, 2008 10:20 AM

Listen Nicole, I have nothing but wonderful things to say about the Puerto Rican people. I think that Francis Poncherello is a national treasure and a man that you all can be proud of.

Jesus Christ on stilts. Pookie, I'm Italian and German. My cousin is Puerto Rican. You are obviously culturally retarded, and congratulations, you've just put me off of Pajiba for at least the rest of the weekend. Seriously.

Posted by: Nicole at March 29, 2008 10:49 AM

"This Message Brought To You By The Council For More Stupid and Less Sucking."

twig, I would like very much to be a member of this council. I feel I'm exceedingly qualified, as I love movies like Deep Blue Sea and Reign of Fire, both of which are functionally retarded. And awesome.

As for the rest of the mess that's been going down in here, Pookie, you and I have never had any kind of problem, and I like you and I think you're funny...but not when you're pulling stunts like this. This crap is beneath you, and I know you're capable of better than this because I've seen it before. I hate to sound like a crazy old grandma, but I'm disappointed.

Posted by: Sarina at March 29, 2008 12:37 PM

im going to be honest, dustin. i understand that many of you live in remote areas and dont get some of the more interesting fare that the cinema has to offer. but ever since pajiba has gotten away from actual movie reviews and very much into the mind numbing comment diversions and trade round ups that have now come to define this site, im dangerously close to de-friending you. what happened to a few reviews on friday afternoon that i gleefully went to the cinema to see and come home to compare our interpretations. now the site reviews movies i wouldnt see in a million years and i daresay that the scathing tone is on the brink of total homogenization. we need actual movie reviews, now more than ever, dustin, PLEASE! im thinking of david green's snow angels for starters. if nothing else, can we at least keep the illusion of the old site in tact by moving all of the crap that aren't movie reviews to another tab, i believe that thomas pynchon called what we have now, "entropy"

Posted by: brandt at March 29, 2008 1:08 PM

Brandt, there is a review of Snow Angels, it was done last week I believe.

In three weeks we've had reviews of critically lauded shows like The West Wing, Six Feet Under, and Arrested Development, reviews of beloved cult-ish movies such as Secretary, Suspira, and True Romance, reviews of controversial films like Funny Games, AND of the crap that invokes the "scathing" tagline.

It's just my opinion, and I'll be the first to admit that I will defend this site to the death since it has me howling at my desk every day, but I think Dustin and the Powers that Pajibee (tm Socalledonlycousins) are doing just fine.

Posted by: Julie at March 29, 2008 1:21 PM

Sarina, I know that TP makes shitty movies and at times he can be a boil on the ass of humanity. Your soothing words are a comfort to me in these trying times. I don't know, but at times I feel as though I'm not being validated by the members of Pajiba. Vermillion often takes my words and twist them, then I'm left to defend myself against these awful and unwarranted attacks. I only come here to get away from the harsh realities that await me in world that I loathe. Lately Pajiba has become a oasis for people to spew there hateful words. I shall take your advice and rise like a Phoenix above the hate and venom.

Posted by: Pookie at March 29, 2008 1:36 PM

You fail at being funny

Posted by: suckit at March 29, 2008 2:11 PM

Pookie: I dunno about the rest of these clowns, but I think you're hysterical. Every site needs its own pet troll.

Posted by: Cuno at March 29, 2008 2:11 PM

Vermillion often takes my words and twist them, then I'm left to defend myself against these awful and unwarranted attacks.

Truly there must be some kink in the line of communication or something. I am sitting here, asking you nicely: what did I get wrong? Tell me, honestly, so we can get this crap out of the way.

As I understood it, your complaint was that nobody brought up race in conjunction with this and other crappy movies, but did so with Perry's, and you thought is was unfair. Am I right with that much?

Posted by: Vermillion at March 29, 2008 2:30 PM

well said
and neilsen didnt even know who else was in the the friggin movie with him half the time. that info courtesy O&A

Posted by: mike at March 29, 2008 3:09 PM

Vermillion, I have the utmost respect for you. You are a man with a keen intellect and a spirit full of grace. I see a little bit of you in me, but not in a homosexual way, not that I have anything against the gays. Sometimes your attacks on me are a tad personal, almost like you're trying to exercise some sort of demon inside of you. I just think that in your perverted hatred of TP you lose sight of the fact that he's just a director trying to make a movie, and not some dissertation about the black experience. Maybe my courageous fight for him comes from the feeling I have of him being the underdog trying to claw his way to freedom.

Posted by: Pookie at March 29, 2008 3:44 PM

Wow, a lot's happened since last night.

Pookie, he said you won. Doesn't that mean anything? Can't you just gloat? I almost prefer the offensive one liners you do. At least I can glance over those without really reading them. With these paragraph type posts I get a sentence or two into the bullshit before I realize it's you and move on.

Posted by: Kay at March 29, 2008 3:57 PM

I just think that in your perverted hatred of TP you lose sight of the fact that he's just a director trying to make a movie, and not some dissertation about the black experience. Maybe my courageous fight for him comes from the feeling I have of him being the underdog trying to claw his way to freedom.

Now see, this I can understand. From your perspective, it looks like we are beating up on a guy who just wants to make movies. That is fine, and very commendable. Nobody can fault you for that.

Now try to see it from MY side. A side where everyone in a person's family loves the guy's work, and think that person is weird simply because he doesn't. A side where nearly every voice in this person's life is marching forth, saying that this one guy is some new wave. That he is is some sort of revolutionary who is smashing down the racial barriers with one fell swoop of his mighty fake bosoms. A side where a person cannot quietly dissent from popular opinion without a thousand voices hemming and hawing about said person doesn't support his people.

If it was simply him making movies, I wouldn't give two snits about Mr. Perry. But living in the Madea Mecca, where nobody better not ever, EVER say anything wrong about him or face a fate worse than death, it is hard not to engender some bile for him and his empire.

So yes, it is a case of exorcising a demon. And yes, my apathy has been twisted into a hatred that knows no quarter. But I assure you, my dear friend, that I have not lost sight of his status as merely an entertainer. I am not the one who needs to be reminded that he isn't the nexus of black cinema for the new millennium. In this wonderful world of madness, I am the only one who remembers.

I am the underdog in this realm. I am the one screaming that Soylent Green is people. I am the one who thinks that big wooden horse may be bad news for the Trojans. And I am driven a little bit crazier everyday because of it. So forgive me if I don't feel too bad for him when others decide to express their opinion about his works.

Posted by: Vermillion at March 29, 2008 4:03 PM

Okay, let me just say this much: I am a well-spoken, educated human being. I have both Pajiba and McSweeney's in my RSS feed, and I regularly read the New Yorker. I've read nearly everything David Sedaris has written. I watch (and enjoy) foreign language films. I listen to obscure bands!

...

I also have both of Drake Bell's CDs. What can I say, at the end of the day, I'm still a 16-year-old girl. Drake Bell used to be "the hot one" in Drake and Josh until Josh lost a buttload (literally) of weight and started being in good movies (I'm looking at you, "The Wackness"). Now Drake is the one with the crappy pop career and terrible spoof movies, which means he's probably more attainable and will be MINE. MINEMINEMINE.

Holy Shit! Josh Peck was "Drake and Josh's" Josh? I take back all my criticisms of the show. Josh Peck is kind of awesome. -- DR

Posted by: marebear at March 29, 2008 4:06 PM

Now who's being naive, Kay?

Posted by: Pookie at March 29, 2008 4:21 PM

I wouldn't take back any criticism of the show quite yet; it's a still a pretty terrible show. But you might say that it's suckness is alleviated by the definite awesomeness of Josh - kinda like what Sandra Oh does for "Grey's Anatomy."

Posted by: Geetch at March 29, 2008 4:30 PM

Josh Peck does indeed look much better.

I'm not really being naive, I know very well he was just telling you that you won so that you'd shut up. I was just hoping it would work.

Posted by: Kay at March 29, 2008 4:33 PM

Vermillion, I like the fact that you stand by your convictions and refused to be swayed by the masses. When I was in high school I was in the marching band. The band director refused to let us play the latest bullshit that was on the radio, he insisted we play marches by John Philip Sousa and other great composers. And during the concert season we would play music by Beethoven, Mozart and whomever else he could get his hands on. All the while the asses in the stands wanted to hear booty shaking music and I never understood this. But our band director explained it to us that the masses wouldn't know a classic if it bit them on the ass. You remind me of my high school band director.

Posted by: Pookie at March 29, 2008 4:41 PM

By the way V, I went to FAMU. Perhaps you've heard of it?

Posted by: Pookie at March 29, 2008 4:45 PM

I don't know why some of you folks are going out of your way to accommodate ...Pookie? Get DA FUCK OUTTA HER.

HIM, and Tyler Perry who is NOTHING more than a peddler of KITTENISM can both climb up a pole and squat on it.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at March 29, 2008 5:18 PM

I went to FAMU as well, Pookie, but I definitely remember them playing more booty shaking music than anything.

And B-Slim, I love you like a play cousin but the use of that word is NEVER ok. By anyone.

Posted by: Trouble at March 29, 2008 5:47 PM

Trouble, I was talking about in high school we would play booty shaking music. But yes FAMU does the booty shaking thing also.

Posted by: Pookie at March 29, 2008 6:15 PM

Nice to see you BSlim, I thought I smelled your stench hovering around Pajiba. Yes I agree TP should go back to film school and he should take Matty Rich with him.

Posted by: Pookie at March 29, 2008 6:21 PM

Speaking of unfunny. There once was a time, too long ago to remember now, when saying things like "anus-brained fucknut" was funny. Well it's not.

If you can't make your point with humor, without resorting to the same boring crass garbage shown in these movies you deride, then you should also quit.

Posted by: AGuy at March 29, 2008 6:43 PM

Sigh...why does this always devolve into these sorts of comment diversions? It's a pointless argument, because it can't be won. All it does is make the worst of every debator come out, and sullies the area around them.

It can be acknowledged that there is a problem with race, and that the possibility of it affecting how something is made and how makes it plays a part...but we can't do anything to affect that problem in any constructive way. So why bring it up? Hell, if I wanted, I would start taking Pookie's side about the fact that hispanics aren't represented well in American cinema. But I don't, because it's not only futile to complain about something I can't affect, but it brings everyone else down in a negative way.

So what I'm saying is...let's leave off pointless bitching, and commence with constructive bitching. Thank you.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 29, 2008 6:46 PM

I don't give a rat's ass about being funny or debating the point/validity of someone who profits by making a mockery of his own people, who portrays them and perpetuates them as KITTENS. FUCK him, and his defenders be they high-fallutin' intellectual "pajiban elite" of bottom feeding "pookis."

I ain't debating nothin' I'm saying what it IS.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at March 29, 2008 7:29 PM

Take it easy BSlim, I assure you everyone comes here to critique movies and have a good time. I don't think anyone who's serious about societies racial problems would think of using a movie review website as a vehicle to cure those problems. They would be out on the front lines. And to be honest with everyone in my family thinks TP makes terrible films except me of course. And trust me anyone that doesn't like someone because of the color of their skin isn't worth your time.

Posted by: Pookie at March 29, 2008 7:48 PM

Man, what a shitshow this has descended into.

Vermillion, B-Slim, Dakaron, Skits, Pookster...

What's happenin', fellas.

Anyhoodles. As you were.

Posted by: TK at March 29, 2008 8:14 PM

Not surprising....considering what a shitty movie this was gonna be.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 29, 2008 8:28 PM

I love how you refered to that guy as "Shooter McGavin." I would have had no idea who he was if you had used his real name...

Posted by: Mike at March 29, 2008 8:43 PM

insertclevernamehere -- you're precisely right.

This is the catch, which specifies that a want for easy money for doing bullshit is the process of a rational mind. But the people making it have to be insane to make such crap. All they have to do is stop; and as soon as they do, they are no longer crazy--and would want that easy money again. They would be crazy to make more movies but sane if they wanted to make more money, and therefore sane to make more of the movies. If they make them they're crazy because they're shit movies, and they still make money; but if they don't make them, they're insane, because only a sane person could rationalize wanting to make such easy money.

So you see, they're just not going to stop. Ever.

Posted by: marty at March 29, 2008 8:53 PM

Thanks marty for clearing everything up for us.

Posted by: Pookie at March 29, 2008 9:00 PM

Sooo, what's your point?

Posted by: Shagata Ganai at March 29, 2008 9:15 PM

I'm still waiting for [i]Holocaust Movie[/i], personally. They have yet to make it. When they inevitably do, I will kill myself.

Posted by: missy at March 29, 2008 9:40 PM

Missy they could make it a series. That way we can incorporate your Holocaust movie and Skittimus' Auschwitz Movie. They could put Secret Annex Movie in the middle just to round things out. I can see the money rolling in now.

Posted by: Kay at March 29, 2008 9:47 PM

Kay, add in the lesser touted WWII mass-death trio, Dresden, Hiroshima and Nagasaki, and Nanking and you've got at least a decade of sure spoof hits.

Posted by: marty at March 29, 2008 9:52 PM

To my fellow Pajibateers,
It is with sadness that I must inform you that our sanctuary has been breeched. While some of our brethren have been bickering over the hatred of Tyler Perry and Movie movies, the holy deity of Pajiba was being bastardized. Drake Bell starred in the craptacular Superhero Movie, whilst his TV counterpart Josh Peck amazed us with his rapid weight loss and the surprising acting chops he showed in The Wackness, in a now obvious attempt to distract our readers. I have just been subjected to viewing nearly two hours of the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards, which was hosted by Jack Black and co-hosted by ROCKTOPUS! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I said Rocktopus, a blatant rip off, and possible trademark or copywrite infringement, of our beloved Godtopus. Is this a coincidence that Rocktopus just happened rear it's oddly-shaped head on Nickelodeon during the same period in which Nick's most popular young actors have managed to breech our borders and incite a Pajiba civil war? I think not. So for the love of all things Pajiba, do not fight each other when you could devote your energy to a much more worthy pursuit: KICKING THE SHIT OUT OF ROCKTOPUS!!!!! Peace and love,
Pu

Posted by: Pudenda at March 29, 2008 9:56 PM

Rocktopus can suck Godtopus' tentacles! I mean...what kind of name is Rocktopus anyway?!

Posted by: Kay at March 29, 2008 10:24 PM

If I'm not mistaken I think Rocktopus is related to lickalotapus. But don't hold me to that because I could be wrong.

Posted by: Pookie at March 29, 2008 10:39 PM

lickalotaups...
Thanks for making me choke on my wine Pookie. :-)

Posted by: Pudenda at March 29, 2008 10:53 PM

Oops, meant "lickalotapus"
Laughing so hard I can't spell.

Posted by: Pudenda at March 29, 2008 10:55 PM

Wine, listen, wine is for the weekday on the weekend you are supposed to drink the hard shit. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Posted by: Pookie at March 29, 2008 11:12 PM

Tonight's "mommy night" so it's only wine. Last night was "I have a babysitter so I'm going to pound shots of Tanquerray and dance on bartops" night. God, it's good to be single again!!!

Posted by: Pudenda at March 29, 2008 11:31 PM

Speaking of Kid's Choice and Josh and Drake of Drake and Josh fame, my nephew happens to spending the weekend and abandoned me once the awards came on. He spent the evening staring into the television, mouthing what appeared to be prayers. I was 2 seconds from tossing the damn thing out of the nearest window lest the child whispered "Miranda" and started going buck-wild on my ass, when a little boy with an uncomfortable amount of facial hair and his taller, much more attractive, and significantly less awkwardly bearded counterpart made their way to the stage. Apparently, Josh and Drake of Drake and Josh. Now granted, I only have a basic knowledge of Nickelodeon and said Nick stars, and no knowledge whatsoeva about their appeal, but, how in the balls was the little fuzzy one every purposefully labeled "the hot one"?

Oh yeah, and Pudenda, Rocktopus? Total rip-off. Sending my telepathic waves of resentment right now.

Posted by: J_Capri at March 30, 2008 12:23 AM

Pudenda A civil war? Come on, at worst this is a peaceful thanksgiving here at Pajiba. I know it's scary when Uncle Pookie and Uncle B-slim are throwing bread rolls at each other but the moment the smell of the fresh turkey meat that is one of those anemic Nickelodeon kids ... well ... have you ever seen when animals attack? Something like that only with geeks armed with zombie survival guides, latex fat suits,and Goonies lunch boxes ... let the slaughter begin!

Posted by: LittleDead at March 30, 2008 12:39 AM

J_Capri, being that I have a 6 year old son, I am very up to date on all things Nickelodeon. (it's sad, really) Drake and Josh have been a duo for years, since waaaay back at The Amanda Show, and eventually got their own show Drake and Josh. Drake was the cute one who plays the guitar, sings, and gets all the girls. (see link for pic)

http://www.flixster.com/servlet/embed/photo/link/9410516

For some reason, however, Drake seems to have been listening to Dave LaJolie and invested in some rapist glasses and added on a goatee for a little extra ick-factor. (links for the two references below)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EVcyNANK5cY&feature=related

http://www.imdb.com/media/rm140416512/nm0068166

Josh, on the other hand, was always the awkward, chubby friend that bore the brunt of the duo's jokes. (see link below)

http://www.flixster.com/servlet/embed/photo/link/9414660

However, over the past 2 years or so, Josh got real serious about getting healthy. He shed about half of his weight, is now the cute one, and the more talented one if the rave reviews of The Wackness are correct. (last pic link below)

http://www.teenidols4you.com/picture.html?g=Actors&pe=josh_peck&foto=554&act=326&mv=4&pic=131466

Dear Sweet Godtopus! It's sad that I know so much about children's television. Pookie's right, wine is for pussies. Kid's asleep...I'm popping open the hard stuff now.

Posted by: Pudenda at March 30, 2008 1:03 AM

I'm in LittleDead, but I don't have much to bring to the slaughter. The only weapons in my home at the moment are a samurai sword and 2 crossbows(with razor-tipped arrows)...will that do? All I gotta do is push play on my Death Metal I-pod playlist and I'm ready to throw down!

Posted by: Pudenda at March 30, 2008 1:10 AM

lickalotapus?

Pookie I'm not one to snort, let alone snort while drinking whiskey (amen to the weekday wine), but that comment made me snort sweet, boozy elixer into my sinus cavity...

Truce? Hug? Manly slap on the ass?

C'mon, it's so much better to direct hate toward things such as Rockto... ROCKTOPUS? ROCKTOPUS?! Are you fucking kidding me? I'm gonna have to take out the bloody mary bar in the MurderTank, 'cause the whole goddam carcass is going up on the trophy wall. Nevermind that I've gotta take out the bloody bar, but for someone to actually have the tenacity to come along and piss on TOOTBOG turf... Pudenda, I hope your iPod's charged, as I'll be picking you up shortly. Killing false cephalopods is so much more invigorating with Death Metal as a soundtrack...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at March 30, 2008 2:37 AM

Rocktopus, huh? Figures MTV / Nickelodeon would rip off something from someone else rather than come up with their own shit. Yeah, that's not cool. Not cool at all. As your loyal lieutenant of TOOTBOG, Skittimus, I'm on call whenever you head out. My sinister flaming bats and chainsaw-sword are at your disposal.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 30, 2008 2:56 AM

At first I thought the review alone was going to make my night, but then I started on the comments section...

Damn guys, if I had slightly more energy I would expound on every one of your virtues and scintillating wit, but I had four hours of sleep last night due to a boy's fucktardedness and I've just driven back at 2am from my mother's engagement party so I'm amazed I can even see straight.

I will however, repost this:

I swear to God I'm going to single-handedly chainsaw gang-bang the Weinstein Brothers in the ear for shitting the green that funds them, those fucking jabronified butter trolls.

Funniest damn thing I've read all week.

Posted by: gapingmaw at March 30, 2008 5:03 AM

Locked, loaded, and ready to go Skit.

Posted by: Pudenda at March 30, 2008 10:00 AM

Oh...but...is it really necessary to take out the bar?

Posted by: Kay at March 30, 2008 1:11 PM

I thought Leslie Nielson died at least 2 Naked Gun movies ago, won't someone put the old fella out of his misery? It's getting awkward for all of us.

Posted by: LuluJ at March 30, 2008 3:18 PM

I unequivocally and eternally love Pajiba.

Posted by: Kash at March 30, 2008 3:22 PM

Pudenda No No No. Classic mistake! Didn't you learn anything from Blade 3? You don't take out one of your senses by listening to music while you slaughter (unless you are the main hot girl lead guaranteed to live). Nickelodeon kids tend to hide. You gotta be able to listen carefully as they hide sobbing in little corners ... sheesh ...

Two crossbows huh? I've only fired a short bow but I had good aim. If you give me one I'll give you the wakizashi companion to my katana. You know for when you get up close and personal. Also, as compromise we can listen to death metal for a while before the slaughter. What is good music after a nickelodeon blood bath?

Posted by: LittleDead at March 30, 2008 4:33 PM

I, oddly enough, too have a crossbow. With all 5 of the original sharp tipped arrows! So, count me in? As long as we keep the bar. Why?

I'm thinking jazz and a cocktail after the blood bath.

Posted by: Kay at March 30, 2008 5:01 PM

LittleDead, I thought I was the main hot girl lead who is guaranteed to win!!! If not, I will refrain from jamming through the slaughter.

We can definitely share/trade weapons, my crossbows will be worthless in hand-to-hand combat. They are, however quite bitchin'. My grandmother spilled half the meat out of her right upper-thigh by accidentally grazing one of the arrowheads while walking past them in our garage/slaughterhouse. (true story too, granny is tough as hell!)

As far as music is concerned, we could start with "Let The Bodies Hit The Floor" by Drowning Pool. I saw Stop-Loss Friday and haven't been able to get the song out of my head! It feels appropriate. "Sickman" by Alice in Chains always gets me in the mood for some bone crunching too. Metallica, Megadeath, and Pantera will also suffice.

Rocktopus, YOUR ASS IS MINE!!!

Posted by: Pudenda at March 30, 2008 5:18 PM

Kay, I like the way you think!

Posted by: Pudenda at March 30, 2008 5:20 PM

I hate being this late to the game...but it does make me sad in the pants that there was a Rocktopus on TV.

There was a band a few years agao in New England called Rocktopus and they, in fact, kicked ass. Dammit...thanks for fucking that up for me Nickelodeon.

Posted by: PissBoy at March 30, 2008 5:55 PM

the google ad under this article is for Superhero Movie. I clicked it, so you made the $0.10 back off your ticket price.

Posted by: Cibbuano at March 30, 2008 6:21 PM

Pudenda You might be but since I haven't written the script yet you can only find that out during the slaughter. Easy way to tell, if you live, you are the hot girl lead, if you die, write me a letter so I can get a bitchin' book deal out of the whole afterlife thing. That gives me an idea ... emmm on a totally unrelated subject ... watch for friendly fire hun ...

Pantera huh? Oh I'm gonna go get my Eddie Van Halen wig! This is gonna be such fun. Kay ... Pudenda ... don't start without me or I'll really be peeved guys. Hey! I heard that ... there was a Nickelodeon pitched scream ... guuuuyyysss

Posted by: LittleDead at March 30, 2008 6:29 PM

To get punched in the uvula, the fist would have to get past your teeth since it is that teeny punching-bag thang in the back of your throat. Open wide on Flag Day!

Posted by: Xylol at March 30, 2008 6:35 PM

LittleDead, your Eddie Van Halen wig?!?!? Are we goin' all out 1980's because if so I'm wearing my Warrant t-shirt and Flash Dance leg warmers. Those little shits don't know what's comin' to them...

Posted by: Pudenda at March 30, 2008 6:44 PM

Pudenda, now that you mention it, well it's not a bad idea. All the kids these days are wearing 1980s inspired clothing, they'll just think we are one of them, than bam, a two by four right to the face. OK, here's how we do it. You distract them by dancing, than arching your back while sitting on a chair, and Kay can dump a bucket of water on you. I'll sneak up behind them ...

Posted by: LittleDead at March 30, 2008 7:33 PM

I'm warming up now LittleDead!

Posted by: Pudenda at March 30, 2008 7:42 PM

Instead of water, should I use that green gooey stuff those Nick kids enjoy? It might seem more authentic and get them to come closer....

Do they even have that stuff anymore?

Posted by: Kay at March 30, 2008 8:18 PM

Yes, there was plenty of slime to go around last night. Good idea, Kay, the little shits won't suspect a thing.

Posted by: Pudenda at March 30, 2008 8:24 PM

Gosh, you guys are like soooo ...immature.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at March 30, 2008 8:38 PM

Kay, SLIMED! I like how you think. Have you assaulted small children before? This can't be your first time. Awww, now now BarbadoSlim, look you don't have to be jealous. You put on a pink leotard with some leg warmers and we'll let you dance too ...

Posted by: LittleDead at March 31, 2008 10:13 AM

I'd rather stuff my pants with fish heads and jump into the shark tank at Sea World than waste my time, money, and brain cells on this crap movie.

Posted by: chenry at March 31, 2008 11:01 AM

Won't see the movie.

Didn't bother to read the review.

Just saw the photo and started singing, "Spiderpig, Spiderpig."

Posted by: BWeaves at March 31, 2008 5:22 PM

ROTFLMAO. Dustin, big, knee-slapping kudos for this review. This is why I love reading your shit.

The thing about the Movie movies is that I've avoided them like the plague, and after that godawful shitfest Scary Movie 4 (which I saw because I thought Scary Movie 1 and 3 were funny--I figured it got better when the Zuckers took over from the Wayans--my bad), I thought that this movie, having watched the trailer, might actually be somewhat funny. But I continued to get the sinking feeling that I was being snookered by perhaps a trailer that had all the funny moments in the movie in it, and after reading reviews, consulting Rotten Tomatoes, and reading this review, I'm glad I wised up out of that fog of credulity that temporarily settled around my noggin.

I instead went to see Horton Hears a Who today, and liked it a lot.

Keep up the great work, Dustin.

Posted by: sva1994 at March 31, 2008 6:41 PM

Went to YouTube to watch this vomit inducing piece of shit to familarise myself with the failings of our society as a whole. Thanks to that eyes are now gouged out and only my pinkie finger remains in an attempt of self flagellation.... unclean, unclean

Posted by: caitlin at April 1, 2008 12:48 AM

Does this mean I'm not getting any money from Bill Gates?

Posted by: nordo at April 1, 2008 7:05 AM

"You know, just because you high-falutin' reviewers don't like a movie doesn't make it bad." Agreed, "Superhero Movie" is bad even apart from whether any reviewer notices.

Posted by: David at April 10, 2008 4:08 AM

it would better if people all over the world could have seen the moive on line

Posted by: jermian at July 10, 2008 11:18 PM

the moive is very intresting i love it

Posted by: nootie at July 10, 2008 11:22 PM