February 26, 2009 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Film | February 26, 2009 |


Unrelenting horseshit. Awful. Unredeeming. Horrid. Appalling. Atrocious. Abominable. Stupid. Half-baked, idiotic, senseless, witless cinematic detritus. It’s a goddamn testicle shart. A swamp-ass Dutch oven. Worthless crap. An ass-tickling cum bubble after it’s been popped. Even for a straight-to-DVD movie, this movie is loathsome. It’s a filmic kidney stone that gets stuck in your urethra for an hour and a half and then pops out into your eye. It’s a herniated labia.

It’s not very good, folks.

For the few fans of the first movie — mostly waiters and waitresses, present and former, as well as a smattering of Ryan Reynolds fans (holla!) — none of that slight entertainment value you kind of enjoyed in the original translated into the sequel (and can you believe that RR once appeared in a movie with Dane Cook? Ugh.) Nothing that you waitpersons might have related to, even in the slightest, made an appearance in Still Waiting, unless you count crop-dusting an old man’s steak. Although, all your favorite people from the original did made it back, except for the ones you cared about, of course. Which is to say: Rob Benedict, Alanna Ubach, Andy Milonakis, Vanessa Lengies, and Luis Guzman were the only ones to make it into the second movie, plus a couple of cameos from Chi McBride and Justin Long. And you know your movie is bad when two scenes featuring Justin Long class up the joint exponentially.

I don’t remember much about Waiting, except that I found it mildly amusing. In the sequel, which is not amusing, Dennis (John Michael Higgins) — a weak-ass 40-year-old chump who can’t get laid because he lives with his goddamn mother — is now running Shenanigans. He’s having problems, however, meeting his numbers on account of a new restaurant opening up across the way called Ta Tas. Ta Tas is a euphemism for OHMYGOD if you need to know then this movie is for you!

Calvin (Rob Benedict), who was a geeky cook in the first movie, is now running Ta Tas. He’s now something of a ladies’ man, having discovered the powers of assholery from Adam Corolla and parlayed it into an abundance of fuck-buddies. Corrolla is a dating expert whose advice primarily consists of, “Go over there, spit in that woman’s face, and she’ll let you and a buddy in her back door simultaneously.” Meanwhile, Dennis at Shenanigans has to have a $9,000 night in order to be considered for the regional manager position, which he thinks will somehow get him some trim. So, he tells everyone in the restaurant that it will be shut down and they’ll lose their jobs if they don’t meet the numbers. A bunch of ridiculously sophomoric humor follows — mostly anal sex jokes and racist jabs — as director Jeff Balis tries to fill the running time, before the movie finally finds an end and just stops, making room for a couple of white guys to start rapping about how tough it is to be white guys who want to be black. It makes no fucking sense at all, but it’s easily the best part of the movie, which doesn’t mean a goddamn thing. See:


Don’t buy it. Don’t rent it. Don’t Netflix it. Don’t even wipe your ass with it — it’ll give you anal menstruation. If you know what’s good for you, don’t even watch this trailer:

Still Waiting ... / Dustin Rowles

Film | February 26, 2009 | Comments ()



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