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Hungry Like the Moron

Skinwalkers / Phillip Stephens

Film Reviews | August 9, 2007 | Comments (43)


Movies firmly grounded in the horror subgenre, be they slashers or werewolf/vampire films, have the disadvantage of a longstanding extant mythology; their ability to shock or otherwise engage an audience already familiar with their tenets is severely hamstrung. Ultimately, as ever, success or failure falls to the script/director’s ability to toy with these archetypes. The results in this vein for werewolf films have been particularly hit-or-miss, ending up with great sleeper-hits like Neil Marshall’s Dog Soldiers or the under-budgeted Canadian Ginger Snaps and, on the other hand, dreadful abominations like this year’s Blood & Chocolate or Christina Ricci’s bat-panda creature from the risible Cursed.

The latest offering, Skinwalkers, can’t find anything new to add to the mix, so, like the aforementioned B&C and that Underworld series, it tries its hand at high fantasy — having werewolves exist as secret cabals with their own internal conflicts. Director James Isaac (Jason X) chucks us unbidden into a cliché-ridden werewolf war that’s so rife with genre chestnuts and bad acting that any attempt to engage the audience will be met alternatively with derision and laughter.

The good wolfies, lead by Jonas (Elias Koteas), are attempting to protect 12-year-old Timothy (Matthew Knight), who’s apparently the werewolf Jesus or something; someone somewhere at some point in time prophesied for some reason that this kid’s ascendance at age 13 would end the curse of werewolfism … or something. Nobody’s really sure, but the bad wolfies, led by a villain with a laughably evil name, Varek (Jason Behr), are out to kill the lil’ savior. It turns out that Varek’s gang — a pack of Lorenzo Lamas wannabes who ride Harleys and sling shotguns — rather like turning into werewolves and gobbling up innocents. Either way, the motivations of either group are facile and unengaging, neither bolstered by the script or the B-listers who occupy it. The biggest problem by far is Behr, who viewers may remember starred in that regrettable “Roswell” show as the most boring alien since Ray Walston (and at least he was funny). Behr, an utterly languid actor, substitutes his newfound musculature for presence and his inability to speak above a mumble as menace; a villain like this needs actual charisma.

Skinwalkers’ plot moves like a train, not with speed or momentum, but a ridiculous, arc-less linearity. Good werewolves flee from bad werewolves, bad werewolves catch up, shootout ensues, good werewolves flee again, rinse, repeat; the story has no sense of tension, werewolf apocalypse be damned, and is only peppered once or twice by a “revelation” you can see coming a mile away. Throw into the mix a continuity-punting “About, face!” climax and an epilogue that begs the sequel treatment and, well, “woof” is the right word. Skinwalkers has nothing new to add to the werewolf canon — these films are meant to be horrifying through and through, with lycanthropy as its disturbing, grotesque conceit. Skinwalkers, with its toned-down gore, bad acting, and tin-eared action sensibilities, is nothing of the sort.

Phillip Stephens is the lead critic for Pajiba. He lives in Fayetteville, AR.


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Comments

I love "Ginger Snaps", and some day will get around to seeing "Dog Soldiers". This movie, however, sounds like a Sci-Fi Network made-for TV movie.

Posted by: Elsie at August 9, 2007 4:23 PM

That title may have been the first real laugh I've had all day. Thank you.

Posted by: twig at August 9, 2007 4:27 PM

Fantastic title, and I completely agree about Dog Soldiers, it was tense and scary and gory and everything a werewolf movie should be.

Posted by: Julie at August 9, 2007 4:31 PM

Oh please do watch Dog Soldiers it's genuinely superb, shockingly funny and a scarily accurate portrayal of the attitudes of the average British squaddie.

Skinwalkers was always going to be "meh" for me so I'm not too shocked by the review - I will however say this:

There are not word for how delightful I find the concept of "the Werewolf Jesus". Seriously. That's awesome. I'd really like to go bowling with that particular christ variety.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at August 9, 2007 4:35 PM

Alex;

I drew a werepope once. Not quite the Weresavior, but ... ish.

Posted by: twig at August 9, 2007 4:37 PM

This movie lost me at "Director James Isaac (Jason X)".

Posted by: Manny at August 9, 2007 4:44 PM

twig, is it really, really wrong that I want one? It's so cute in it's little hat! That's not a slight on the scariness of the werepope of course, actually I feel that way about the human pope and he's creepy and old.

(In a totally "spiratual and god's main man" kind of way of course)

Posted by: Alex the Odd at August 9, 2007 4:58 PM

Wow, so many typos in one post. I'm not really an illiterate moron, I promise. I'm just playing videogames while I post.

Multitasking. Oh yes.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at August 9, 2007 5:02 PM

Werewolf jesus! I love it! LMAO!

Posted by: Brie at August 9, 2007 5:34 PM

WerePope!

"The Paw-wer of Christ compels you!"

Sorry.

Posted by: Manny at August 9, 2007 6:31 PM

Heh, I was going for Pope John Paw-l the second but then I realised that the current pope is non-punnable and it made me sad. Nonsensical puns are actually the lowest form of wit and I feel ashamed of myself.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at August 9, 2007 6:36 PM

Yup, this movie is a disgrace any which way you look at it. But what would you expect from a movie that contains 2/5 of the cast of DOA: Dead or Alive? I've always liked Koteas and Carter, but when they're you're "big" actors, you've got a huge problem on your hands. I want to say that the whole point to this movie is to make a sequel, period.



If I hadn't gotten to see this at a free screening, I think I would have shot myself.

Posted by: Apricots at August 9, 2007 6:43 PM

Damn, how I loved Dog Soldiers, for its tremendous ensemble. A surprising gem amongst the rubble that is SciFi network.

It's odd, isn't it, how SciFi can hit [Battlestar Galactica, Farscape] and then miss miss miss miss miss miss miss miss miss miss [every big snake/natural disaster/underwater creature movie]?

Posted by: Salieri2 at August 9, 2007 7:23 PM

There have been exactly SIX good werewolf movies in the last 30 years.

This is obviously not one of them.

Bummer.

Posted by: TK at August 9, 2007 8:06 PM

Should have been about Wendigos. I'll give this one a pass.

Posted by: Lola at August 9, 2007 9:50 PM

I loved Ginger Snaps. Think I'll give this one a miss - although I'm sure I'll end up watching it on DVD with my boyfriend. Sigh.

Posted by: Ali at August 10, 2007 12:19 AM

I figured this would suck hard, but man, Underworld sucked, its sequel sucked worse, Blood & Chocolate sucked, please try something new with the werewolves already, Hollywood.

Posted by: bethness at August 10, 2007 1:03 AM

The only worthy addition to the "Were" canon in recent years was the Werecar episode of Futurama.

AAAAAH OOOOH, HONK HONK!!

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at August 10, 2007 7:36 AM

Forgot the actual list (in no particular order):

1. The Howling
2. An American Werewolf In London
3. Wolfen
4. Ginger Snaps
5. Dog Soldiers
6. Le Pacte Des Loupes (Not technically a werewolf, but...)

That's it. That's all. That's sad.

Posted by: TK at August 10, 2007 9:04 AM

I've been extremely not excited to see this since I saw the first billboard. Bleh.

I hope to see a Stardust review soon? Now that's one I'm looking forward to...

Posted by: Cdell at August 10, 2007 9:10 AM

You forgot one, TK: Teen Wolf.

Posted by: Great Mango at August 10, 2007 9:14 AM

Hey, what about Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit? Now THAT was one scary flick. I'll never look at Play-Doh the same way again.

Posted by: Kolby at August 10, 2007 10:01 AM

Mango, don't make me come over there...

Posted by: TK at August 10, 2007 10:06 AM

Been meaning to see Ginger Snaps - not sure where I heard baout it first. Went to add to my queue and there are 3 of them. Are the sequels worth watching?

Wasn't there a vampire version of this? Not Underworld, but a movie with a Vampire saviour type figure?

Good call on Brotherhood of the Wolf - need to watch that again. Good thing I own a copy, Netflix doesn't seem to have it.

Also, wasn't there a werewolf movie starring Jack Nicholson and frasier's brother?

Posted by: Brian at August 10, 2007 11:17 AM

Not that I wanted to read more about this particular film, but your reviews are always so short.

Posted by: Tracy at August 10, 2007 11:25 AM

you went to see Skinwalkers, yet no one from Pajiba went to see El Cantante?

Posted by: Keith at August 10, 2007 12:31 PM

Yes yes yes on Ginger Snaps... I picked this up at the video store just because Ginger looked like a friend of mine knowing nothing about it, and really was blown away. Glad to see I'm not the only one who saw it... The sequel wasn't bad either, I thought - pretty much what I expected.

What about The Company of Wolves? Weird shit,(natch it's Neil Jordan), but I always loved it.

Posted by: Jaime at August 10, 2007 12:39 PM

Do you really mean "limpid"? I would term him more "opaque." Or just "limp."

(Or "limpet-like"? No?)

Posted by: be right back at August 10, 2007 4:33 PM

WerePope is adorable.

Posted by: mac at August 10, 2007 5:05 PM

Thanks for the list TK, I already have Dog Soldiers in my Queue from a recommendation in a previous review and I also own Brotherhood of the Wolf. I just struggle to believe that there are only six good werewolf movies out there. I am not a fan of horror movies unless they are TERRIBLE like American Gothic (highly recommend for some good laughs), but maybe I have just not experienced true quality.

Posted by: lickoriche at August 10, 2007 5:36 PM

I had heard all kinds of raves about Ginger Snaps so I gave it a shot. It started off promising but devolved for me into a solid "meh." Not bad, but nothing special. Dog Soldiers is next on my list.

For those of you who like reading this kind of stuff, I highly recommend Kelley Armstrong's "Women of the Otherworld" series. The first couple of books, Bitten and Stolen (I believe), are about werewolves. The next couple take place in the same universe and with many of the same characters, but focus on witches. Later books deal with vampires, ghosts and necromancers. The narrator changes but the universe stays the same. If you like Buffy, check them out.

Posted by: bartap at August 10, 2007 7:20 PM

Brian - IMO, the first Ginger Snaps was pretty good. Crude special effects, sure, but an enjoyable storyline. The sequel left much to be desired. It seemed very emoriffic at that point, and annoyed more than entertained. The third one...well. I laughed through most of it. Bottom line is that it was a waste of time. Pick up Ginger Snaps, avoid the sequels.

Posted by: Lola at August 10, 2007 7:32 PM

Just commenting to also express my love for the term "werewolf Jesus".. much amusement was had.

Posted by: the hel at August 11, 2007 11:59 PM

TK is spot on with his six good werewolf movies.

As for the Ginger Snaps sequels; well the second (Unleashed) is not bad, but not great. It also suffers from a reduced role for the delightful Katharine Isabelle.

The third (The Beginning) is not much more than a vague tie-in. Katharine and Emily are fine, but the plot is a lost cause.

Posted by: Simon B at August 12, 2007 11:24 AM

Ginger Snaps, love it! The teenage, hormonal, werewolf link was genius! Dog Soldiers, also loved it, just goes to show a movie doesn't need a huge budget to be a good, very watchable film, GS and D.Soldiers are both.

Posted by: rhiana at August 12, 2007 6:50 PM

Ginger Snaps, love it! The teenage, hormonal, werewolf link was genius! Dog Soldiers, also loved it, just goes to show a movie doesn't need a huge budget to be a good, very watchable film, GS and D.Soldiers are both.

Posted by: rhiana at August 12, 2007 6:50 PM

This is a movie? Every time I saw a commercial for it, I thought it was some lame TV show on, like, the Sci Fi network or what have you. Hmm. Yeah. Seems crappy.

Posted by: Katie at August 12, 2007 9:13 PM

When I saw posters for this on the train I was concerned that it would be based on the Navajo skinwalker - I was getting ready to work up a good head of steam about the misappropriation of Native American cultures, et cetera. (Also, on the off-chance that it was actually a half-decent flick, I was preparing myself to be profoundly disturbed, because reading Leslie Marmon Silko's Ceremony made my skin crawl - and I realize that now no one has any idea what I'm talking about. Anyway.) So I guess at this point I'll just register my objection to Hollywood's appropriating the word 'skinwalker' for the title of a substandard werewolf flick, and then let it fade into inevitable obscurity.

Posted by: alanna at August 13, 2007 12:40 PM

I loved Ginger Snaps. I caught it on the Sci-Fi channel a few weeks ago. It was on the next day and I watched it again! Are the next two also showing on the sci-fi channel or do I have to rent them (not a net flix girl, I know, I deserve to be impaled)??

Posted by: Helcat at August 13, 2007 2:11 PM

I rented Ginger Snaps a while back expecting big, cheesy fun. From the opening credits (a photo montage of faked death scenes set to a mournful score -- the lead characters' idea of an essay about life in their small town) I was hooked. Then the movie depressed the hell out of me and I wanted to call my sister and tell her that I love her but then I remembered I don't have a sister, so I had no way of sublimating all the intense sibling angst I was now feeling as a direct result of the movie, so I took a nap instead and woke up with a headache. It's not the feel-good lycanthropy movie the whole family can enjoy.

Posted by: Craig at August 14, 2007 12:13 AM

I want a t-shirt that says: "I'm apparently the werewolf Jesus or something". For it would be cool.

Posted by: Fizero at August 17, 2007 8:24 AM

I have to admit Elias Koteas will always kick ass in my mind just for his role as Duncan in Some Kind of Wonderful.

This movie totally sounds like a lot of the paranormal romance novels that are popular now. Some are really good and others, well, really aren't and I think we all know into which category this one would fall into. The same can be said of Blood & Chocolate, which is actually based a YA novel (and it's oh so obvious in the movie).

Posted by: Nanook at September 16, 2007 5:22 PM

I have to admit Elias Koteas will always kick ass in my mind just for his role as Duncan in Some Kind of Wonderful.

This movie totally sounds like a lot of the paranormal romance novels that are popular now. Some are really good and others, well, really aren't and I think we all know into which category this one would fall into. The same can be said of Blood & Chocolate, which is actually based a YA novel (and it's oh so obvious in the movie).

Posted by: Nanook at September 16, 2007 5:24 PM