Scary Movie 5 Review: Why Bother? Because That's What We Do

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Scary Movie 5 Review: Why Bother? Because That’s What We Do

By Agent Bedhead | Film Reviews | April 13, 2013 | Comments ()


I'll be perfectly honest here and admit that I never saw the third or fourth installments of the Scary Movie franchise, but I did review an ever-so-slightly superior version of Scary Movie 5 a few months ago, and it was called A Haunted House. That movie was an insufferable mess of its own accord, but it was a more palatable experience than the subject at hand. Not that you should watch either of these movies. Just saying. As far as these horror spoofs go, the first Scary Movie was amusing for the sheer novelty of the joyride scene, and that's about as far as this franchise should have progressed.

In the same regard to my admission in the above paragraph, I'd like you to be completely honest too and 'fess up to not even reading this review to find out whether or not you should see Scary Movie 5. You probably already know (since Pajibans are a relatively tasteful bunch) that you don't want to watch this dreck. You're sort of wondering why we're even reviewing it. The bottom line -- and don't lie to me -- is that you sadistically want to know how bad the experience actually is from someone who had to watch it. I'm down with that.

Obviously, the standards going into this one were the lowest imaginable, so let's dispense with formalities and get down to it. Let's just say that Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan's 5-minute scene (as terrible as they both were) was the highlight of all 85 minutes, and you'd have to be as cracked out as they are to enjoy the rest of the movie. Charlie and Lindsay play themselves, which is convenient because neither one of them can act worth a shit anyway. In this story, they're married and have spawned three cracked-out children who have mysteriously disappeared. A short while later, a couple named Jody (Ashley Tisdale) and Dan (Simon Rex) take on the responsibility of these children who are (naturally) feral. By this point, the movie has already spoofed Mama and Paranormal Activity, and it's just getting warmed up to randomly throw vomit at the screen with the aid of a Morgan Freeman-esque narrator (Josh Robert Thompson).

Then in rapid progression, the film mocks Black Swan and Sinister. For some unknown reason, the writers also tossed in Rise of the Planet of the Apes jokes because monkey poop is just too strong of a temptation to resist crossing genres, and Honey Boo Boo gets some air time. For what it's worth, some Evil Dead remake stuff gets shoved there too, which at least makes the movie semi-relevant instead of years behind the (wishful) satiric curve that these movies tend to follow. I suppose, for some, that much of the fun for this type of spoof movie would be found in spotting the send-ups, which are so blatant here that they don't even qualify as allusions.

You want cameos? They belong to Snoop Dogg (Lion?), Mike Tyson, and Molly Shannon (who will never escape this hellhole) as well as Heather Locklear and Usher. These shameless souls help execute gags that aren't even groanworthy. I mean, having sex with a microwave is truly overrated. What, did you expect legitimate film criticism in this review? I'm doing exactly what this movie did -- indiscriminately regurgitating nonsense for your perverse enjoyment even though, clearly, it's not working.

For just a moment, however, let's humor this movie. It doesn't exist to be a great or even a good or decent movie. It doesn't exist to educate anyone or even fashion itself as a James Franco-esque manifestation or "art." It merely exists to provide extremely cheap, base-bottom entertainment for people who refuse to turn on their brains or demand even slightly funny jokes. Does it do that? Not even slightly.

Agent Bedhead lives in Tulsa, Oklahoma. She and her little black heart can be found at Celebitchy.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • smek2

    "The bottom line — and don’t lie to me — is that you sadistically want to know how bad the experience actually is from someone who had to watch it. I’m down with that."
    I won't lie. I love reviews of terrible movies best. I confess, I giddily enjoy you guys ripping them apart.

  • TheAggroCraig

    I quit all the "Movie Movies" or whatever after Scary Movie 2. A few years ago I was at my mom's house, flipping through those sweet, sweet premium channels. I caught about 10 seconds of "Meet the Spartans". Saddam Hussein turned into a Transformer with a TV on his chest that played a clip from that "leave Britney alone" video. I made a face and changed the channel.

  • F'mal DeHyde

    Poor Agent Bedhead. :'(

  • Buck Forty

    Not your best work Bedhead, I feel you phoned it in, which is unfair to the writers, actors, and technicians who worked so hard for our viewing pleasure. Do it again please, with references to Movie 43. What? You haven't seen Movie 43? Well, watch that one too then, before commencing the rewrite. You won't regret it.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    I want to believe the technicians really did work hard, though. Those aren't so much creative sorts of roles, they just have to get things set up correctly so the imbeciles can do their job of making a terrible film. Certainly they're not the best of their kind in the business on a movie like this, but I like to believe they were putting as much effort into this as that Disney original movie they were on last month.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    You're evil.

  • prince_of_montagu

    I am curious about microwave sex though. What do you even set the microwave to? Defrost?

  • spoobnooble

    The trick to microwave sex is timing your orgasm to coincide with that little "DING!" at the end.

  • Buck Forty

    I'll have you know my "DING!" Is just the right size, thankyou.
    There have been no complaints.

  • clancys_daddy

    Can we please remove this unnecessary review-come on we knew it would suck before it was even produced-and in it's place can we have a well deserved tribute to the life, career and genius of Jonathan Winters.

  • Rude

    The writer completed this review as assigned. Don't take it out on him because you're upset this movie exists.

  • duckandcover


  • clancys_daddy

    You assume I am criticizing the reviewer which I am not. Simply pointing out it was a foregone conclusion the movie would suck and this site has given front page news to less deserving dead celebrities (Ryan Dunn) than Mr. Winters

  • Jezzer

    Unless you have some sort of concrete evidence that Pajiba was only able to do one or the other, I'm going to assume you're just bitching by reflex because no Pajiba article is complete without pointless, tiresome, groundless, disingenuous complaining in the comments.

  • dulcie

    Jonathan Winters was a cool dude. Sorry to see him pass. I'm also sorry to be saying this amidst a truly stupid comment thread.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    So, good news, bad news. Good news, I am so disinterested in the Scary Movie franchise that I didn't finish reading the review. Which is also the bad news, but I feel like you guys will take that as just kind of slightly less good news. I'll go click on an ad, though; try and make up for it.

  • par1964

    The word is "uninterested". Disinterested means something else altogether. Look it up .....

  • Jezzer

    I looked it up, but my dictionary kept flipping over to the word "pedant" for some reason.

  • Robert

    If they haven't seen any of the previous Scary Movies and really don't give a fuck, they could be considered disinterested. Furthermore, the two words--uninterested and disinterested--are synonyms based on the definitions in any dictionary, including the Oxford English Dictionary.

    Your comment relies on the misheld belief that disinterested can only apply to legal proceedings. Disinterested has a legal definition, but it is not the only definition and that is the distinction you failed to grasp. Language evolves.

  • The Kilted Yaksman


    Definition of DISINTERESTED
    a : not having the mind or feelings engaged : not interested

    Works for me.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    What Robert said, but also, and this is important, Andrew Ray-- bite me.

    I mean, I get the impulse to grammar Nazi, totally. I hate that the past tense of lead has somehow just become lead pronounced like the element, for instance, but I'm pretty well over it most days. And I mean, this disinterested versus uninterested thing of yours? That's even less of an actual mistake. Be honest, are you just trolling for a weird grammar flame war? Like, it's a fucking review for the fourth Scary Movie sequel-- is this really the place to debate the state of the English language?

  • llp

    Hold up - the past tense of lead is not pronounced like the element? Huh - to the interwebz I go.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    No, it totally is pronounced like the element lead. But it is spelled "led". At some point, people seem to have decided the verb "to lead" follows the same pattern as "to read" and so the past tense is just the same word said differently. Only it's not.

    But again, this is a Scary Movie 5 review. Should we really be talking English here? The screenwriters are probably only semi-literate.

  • Pajiba_Pragmatist

    So long as we agree that language does not evolve to allow people to mix "your" and "you're".

  • Robert

    You had me terrified that I made that mistake. Your versus you're, their versus there versus they're, and its versus it's shall never be forgotten.

  • F'mal DeHyde

    I uncare.

  • Your Daddy

    This better not do well at the box office....sorry you had to sit through it though.

  • Wembley

    Scary Movie 4 did $40 Million it's opening weekend. That convinced me it must be funny. It wasn't. 15 minutes in I started thinking about asking for my money back-but $40 million, it had to get better, right? Nope.

    And that was when I decided America must die! You will pay, America, for tricking me into seeing Scary Movie 4. You. Will. Pay.

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