push-movie.jpg
Zeroes

Push / Phillip Stephens

Film Reviews | February 7, 2009 | Comments (127)

A man in the row in front of me fell asleep during my screening of Push. His head lolled back and his mouth gaped in a kind of lugubrious moan, emitting heavy sighs that would give way to apneic sputtering. First I was annoyed; what kind of numbnuts pays ten dollars to come sleep in a crowded theater with blasting speakers and flickering lights, fucking over the ambient experience for the rest of us? But really, it occurred to me that this was less his fault than the movie’s. Push is boring. Like, Benadryl-with-beer boring. Push is a movie about psychics and telepaths who fight each other with breakdancing, invisible hadoukens, and sonic screams and it is fucking boring. Suddenly that snoring imbecile offered a better film review than my words ever could.

Push is about a group of people with fancy mind-powers: some are telekinetic, some clairvoyant, some have the power of suggestion, and some can sniff toothbrushes to see what you’ve been doing for the last few months (seriously…that’s their power). Basically, these people are like handicapped Jedi who can only use one part of the Force, and they’re given names with upsetting and stupid bodily connotations (Movers, Bleeders, Watchers, Pushers, Wipers, the aforementioned Sniffers…were they kidding?). Apparently there’s a government agency called “The Division”, lead by Mr. Beninois-accent Person (Djimon Hounsou) which keeps tabs on all these would-be superheroes, sometimes taking them hostage and doing evil experiments on them.

Some plot machinations far beyond my comprehension leave us with Nick (Chris Evans) a callow vagabond and telekinetic hiding from the Division in Hong Kong, spending his days gambling and generally running around acting like a douchebiscuit. The Division catches up with him one day - they’re looking for his dead-eyed, sweaty, greasy ex-girlfriend (Camilla Belle) because she stole this psychic steroid or something. And then a psychic Dakota Fanning shows up wanting Nick to help her find a suitcase full of money or something. Fanning will always be around seven-years-old in my cinematic imagination, and seeing her trotting out an incipient sexuality here made me want to turn away and scream.

What happened next? I don’t know. Oh my god, I don’t know. I seriously remember almost nothing about the plot, and can’t be bothered to look it up. The plot was a fucking morass. Our putative heroes spend 100 minutes walking down streets and talking to each other in hotel rooms, endlessly parsing out subplots and half-cocked motivations for a narrative that never actually becomes. We don’t know these characters, either who they are or what they want, but we’re asked to meander through the better part of two hours of lukewarm scheming. And that’s a pretty tall fucking order when the principal players absolutely, unrepentantly cannot act: Evans is terrible, Belle is terrible, but Dakota Fanning is incompetent here in every way available to an actor. She constantly overacts, barfing out lines of misfiring comic relief with the self-important mania of a pre-teen, and she dresses like a Ukrainian hooker. Her dialog in this film could devastate entire cities.

How exactly does a self-billed science fiction actioner/thriller end up resembling a CW television pilot that overstays its welcome after about five seconds? I don’t know, but what isn’t laughable in Push is genuinely soporific, sapping so much energy during the viewing that it seems impossible to hate until you realize that was two hours better spent doing your damn taxes. Or sleeping, as my friend from the theater proved so well.


Phillip Stephens is the lead critic and book editor for Pajiba. He lives in Fayetteville, Arkansas and wastes his twenties in grad school(s).


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Comments

Why does Fanning agree to make the films she does? The Twilight sequel, that rape movie, this thing?

Fanning, normally you enter this when you're, you know, actually old! You're 1 year younger than me! You shouldn't agree to do this!

Eat some fuck!

Posted by: George at February 7, 2009 2:00 AM

If this bombs, can we move away from the incessant superhero movies? I know I'll hate the next trend as much as this, but seriously. Just because you give them superpowers doesn't mean your character is interesting.

Posted by: kelsy at February 7, 2009 2:13 AM

You confirmed my first impressions gleaned from the trailer... pass on Push. Rather watch a director's cut DVD of Outlander than this shite.

Posted by: hugeinjapan at February 7, 2009 2:27 AM

First it was Morgan Freeman in "Wanted," and then is was Samuel Jackson in "Jumper," now its Djimon Hounsou in "Push," I'm glad to see my brothers fucking motherfuckers up with science and technology and shit. I want the next James Bond villain to be black, not like Yaphet Kotto in "Live and Let Die," he was just a plain old pimp. I want the motherfucker to be like Hugo Drax from "Moonraker." Then you will know we have arrived.

Posted by: Pookie at February 7, 2009 2:55 AM

I clicked on this review before the picture loaded and hoped this was a review of the presumably much superior film from Sundance.

Thanks for nothing, dial-up.

Posted by: Brooke at February 7, 2009 5:18 AM

Well, color me dissapointed. I saw an ad for this just the other day and got all geeked for psychic ass-kickery. Sounds like a trip to the DMV would be more exciting. Sigh...

Also, I dread Dakota's eventual, skanktastic crash and burn more than 12-21-12. Its just like going to the dentist; painful, vomit inducing, yet unavoidable.

Posted by: Mob Noxious at February 7, 2009 5:32 AM

Wait, Dakota Fanning is older then seven? So she's like nine or what?

Posted by: MFS at February 7, 2009 7:04 AM

Glad to see the weekend hijack thread is up early, Rowles. Don't know why you disguised it as a review of a crappy movie again -- trying to be "clever" I suppose -- but anyways: Because it's the weekend, and because I haven't seen a winner declared yet, and because I just thought of it, and because it's fuckin' funny if I do say so myself:

3 ... 2 ... 1 ...

"Zomberry RFD"

Having eaten everyone who was even remotely funny, zombies in a small North Carolina town are forced to continue making TV episodes in the name of raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatings.

Posted by: bucdaddy at February 7, 2009 8:17 AM

Is this is a re-release of Jumper?

Or maybe they just re shot it without Homo Vadersen?

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 7, 2009 8:37 AM

Slim I was thinking the exact same thing.

Posted by: Pookie at February 7, 2009 9:08 AM

And Chris Evans doesn't even take his shirt off? Is there any other reason to see a movie he's in?

Posted by: Gabs at February 7, 2009 9:54 AM

Eat some fuck!

Posted by: George at February 7, 2009 2:00 AM

George! Language, please.

Someone needs to call Child Protective Services (re: the skankening of Ms. Fanning) before she morphs into full on adolescent Drew Barrymore. I think the meter is currently reading a Hilary Duff alert right now. But if she goes full Lohan there's no saving her.

Posted by: greer at February 7, 2009 9:55 AM

I recent the cheap shot at Hilary Duff, she's....eh...."fantastic"

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 7, 2009 9:57 AM

*resent

oooy,

Anyway, she's still..ah..."fantastic"

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 7, 2009 10:07 AM

Anyway, she's still..ah..."fantastic"

What happened to you BSlim? You used to be "with" it. You used to be cool. You used to make innappropriate and offensive comments at exactlty the wrong time. You've changed man. You've changed.

Dakota's 18 right. Right?

Posted by: admin at February 7, 2009 10:13 AM

No, she is not. No barely, she's illegal.

Posted by: Jay at February 7, 2009 10:25 AM

If you think a little thing like "being legal" is stopping this little Hollywood degenerate from doing oral and double penetrations by now I've got a plane down in the Hudson I'd like to sell ya.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 7, 2009 10:31 AM

If you think a little thing like "being legal" is stopping this little Hollywood degenerate from doing oral and double penetrations...

The best part of waking up,
Is puking in your mouth!

Come on, BSlim, do you have any idea how much binge drinking it's going to take to get that image out of my head?

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at February 7, 2009 10:38 AM

I am unsurprised, but still disappointed. I was hoping it would at least be worth watching as an XMen ripoff. Oh well, that's $11.50 I won't waste; I'll use it to see Coraline instead.

Speaking of which.... anybody gonna review that one today?

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at February 7, 2009 10:40 AM

Darn, I thought this would be kind of fun mindless action-flick, and I generally like Chris Evans.

Posted by: WampaLord at February 7, 2009 10:44 AM

Be sure to go to a 3-D theater.

Posted by: Jay at February 7, 2009 10:44 AM

However, I should add that "The Pink Panther 2" is obviously higher in the pecking order.

Posted by: Jay at February 7, 2009 10:46 AM

Damn! Damn, damn! I had high hopes for this one, though I should have known better.

Anything with Chris "cheesy grin and eyebrow raise" Evans couldn't be too stellar. Sigh.

Posted by: noodlestein at February 7, 2009 10:54 AM

Hmm, I just remembered that Dakota's competing with herself this weekend, just like Sheen was two weeks ago.

Posted by: Jay at February 7, 2009 10:55 AM

Is the toothbrush sniffing bit real? That should have been in the trailer.

Posted by: Sharon at February 7, 2009 10:57 AM

"Sniffs - Like human bloodhounds, sniffs can track their quarry by scent, even if all they have to go on is a decade-old toothbrush. Feared by their fellow paranormals, sniffs are often used by the Division to hunt down its targets. "

He ain't lyin.

Posted by: Jay at February 7, 2009 11:02 AM

Yep, ain't nothing like a little Double Penetration to make one feel alive. Although I've tried threesomes they just don't do it for me. And besides, when your best friend is hitting it hard and making the whole bed shake along with you and the chick, you kinda get an uncomfortable feeling. I'll tell you something, after that failed experiment I was mentally scarred for a while.

Posted by: Pookie at February 7, 2009 11:03 AM

Then there's even that two-in-one action. Either way, it's really not about the girl anymore.

Posted by: Jay at February 7, 2009 11:09 AM

Jay, dude, it has to be about the girl. Because if it isn't about the girl then we are going down a path that I can't go down. I need to lay down, I'm feeling queasy.

Posted by: Pookie at February 7, 2009 11:20 AM

"Dakota Fanning is incompetent here in every way available to an actor. She constantly overacts, barfing out lines of misfiring comic relief with the self-important mania of a pre-teen, and she dresses like a Ukrainian hooker. Her dialog in this film could devastate entire cities."

Very Apt Description I must say. I'm assuming that she's trying to regain some cred she lost in that Hound Dog movie.
I'm predicting this one wins the honor of The Super Hero movie that sounds most like a movie involving a pregnancy.

Posted by: Kamikaze Feminist at February 7, 2009 11:21 AM

So, this movie was an abortion? I guess you felt right at home.

Posted by: pissant at February 7, 2009 11:22 AM

It looks as if little Dakota will suffer from McCauly-Osment syndrome, as in, incapable of making a transition to adult acting. I don't know if it's because they don't have *true* acting chops to begin, or they just look weird, in Dakota's case it gets wierder in the sense that there's something a little perverted in looking at her in a sexual way after seeing her grow up.
Notice, I don't include Barrymore who's just plain goofy; Lohan who's just a one trick pony; or the Olsens who just played little weird trolls.

The syndrome affects child actors who showed some promise.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 7, 2009 11:34 AM

I like where this thread was heading about an hour and a half ago (BSlim), sorry to see it's gone back to being about the damn movie (BSlim).

But not for long, Rowles, not for long. I have some questions that need to be answered.

Posted by: bucdaddy at February 7, 2009 11:54 AM

Something about Dakota Fanning bugs the shit out of me. I think it's because her head is so damn big.

And those eyes. Those empty, empty bug eyes.

Posted by: Maria at February 7, 2009 12:07 PM

Has Rowles already done the incredibly random list of the most effed up child actors? How about we confine the list to this decade, just to narrow it down?

Posted by: greer at February 7, 2009 12:09 PM

I should clarify. Bugs me in THIS MOVIE, specifically.

Posted by: Maria at February 7, 2009 12:11 PM

spending his days gambling and generally running around acting like a douchebiscuit

Just when I thought we had reached the end of the douche-permutations, you present the incredible gift of douchebiscuit.

Thank you, kind sire. I will no doubt be employing this soonest.

Posted by: brodiekins at February 7, 2009 12:19 PM

there's something a little perverted in looking at her in a sexual way after seeing her grow up.

This again illustrates what an unusual case Christina Ricci is. You didn't even think of her. It's like "The Opposite of Sex" wiped everyone's memories.

Posted by: Jay at February 7, 2009 12:36 PM

It looks as if little Dakota will suffer from McCauly-Osment syndrome, as in, incapable of making a transition to adult acting.

There should be a Barrymore in there Slim.

If your rocking the 3-way, be sure to trim your ballfro. Tangling during the DP can be painfull; and akward.

Posted by: admin at February 7, 2009 12:39 PM

Besides Jodie Foster and Christian Bale, are there any former child actors who aren't effed up?

I have good wishes for Ms. Fanning and I hope she has a long and great career.

Posted by: Jerce at February 7, 2009 12:40 PM

I dunno...two giggling dildos are high-fiving each other above a woman who's not even looking at them (can't, really), whatever vacancies they're choosing to fill. Who's really winning here? Is everybody? Is nobody?

Where's the warmth?

Plus I'm sure it's already hard enough for filmmakers to decide when to change angles in the edit when you've just got two on the set. Just seems needlessly complicated if you ask me.

Posted by: Jay at February 7, 2009 12:48 PM

My first "first". Woohoo! Sorry about the movie dude.

Posted by: B-rant at February 7, 2009 12:51 PM

Jumpers II.V

Posted by: tdehr at February 7, 2009 12:58 PM

Jay it isn't about winning or losing, its about competing. It's about standing tall in the face of adversity and over coming all obstacles that may stand in your way. When you are in the bottom of the ninth with a two run lead with three men on base, do you have what it takes to deliver strikes?

Posted by: Pookie at February 7, 2009 12:59 PM

This again illustrates what an unusual case Christina Ricci is. You didn't even think of her. It's like "The Opposite of Sex" wiped everyone's memories.

I know what you mean. There is a total disconnect between Wednesday Addams and OMGRICCIBOOBS.

And both Fanning and Ricci have that weird "old soul" thing, and manga-sized head/eyes combo.

Posted by: Vermillion at February 7, 2009 1:13 PM

Damn you Americans and your baseball analogies.

It was inspiring though. Makes me want to take a bat to somebody.

Posted by: admin at February 7, 2009 1:13 PM

Everyone cool it, the hall monitor is here.

Posted by: Pookie at February 7, 2009 1:19 PM

Dog: The Hallway Monitor?

Posted by: admin at February 7, 2009 1:24 PM

Spending two hours asleep on a nice day like today actually sounds rather spiffing. Nap time!

Posted by: The Wanderer at February 7, 2009 1:26 PM

Hey V, get Rowles on the phone and tell him we need a new post.

Posted by: Pookie at February 7, 2009 1:36 PM

AHAHAHAHAHAH...you LITTERING MY HALL BRAH!?!?!

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 7, 2009 1:51 PM

Oh I'm sorry V, pardon my manners. How are you and the Mr. doing?

Posted by: Pookie at February 7, 2009 1:54 PM

BSlim, have a take and don't suck.

Posted by: Pookie at February 7, 2009 1:57 PM

Has Chris Evans done a good movie? I liked Sunshine. . . i guess.

And Dakota Fanning's skinny legs are freaking me out.

Posted by: adam at February 7, 2009 2:06 PM

Sunshine is that the one with Cilian Murphy, and the 300 dude? Anyway if it's the one where they try to light up the sun by going all up its ass that's one damned good movie. Sorta slipped thruogh the cracks and nobody paid attention, it's got like an understated Outland vibe to it.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 7, 2009 2:14 PM

That's the one Slim. I had never heard of it before and just happened to rent it for a Sci-fi fix. Loved it.

It actually struck me as one of the last, remotely original movies Hollywood has made.

Posted by: admin at February 7, 2009 2:20 PM

hmmm...yup. About what I expected. If only it had Sam Jackson in it...

Posted by: the_wakeful at February 7, 2009 2:21 PM

Can we just stop the "hidden superpowered people among us" stuff for a while? Heroes went down the tank. X-Men went down the tubes. And this...this is just going down with no knowledge of how to do it right!

At least give me a 10-year moratorium before they decide to develop "Harbinger."

Posted by: Fredo at February 7, 2009 2:45 PM

Dude, no, no, no......I loved it. But I'm kind of a superhero junkie, and I really want to be able to block bullets with rainbows. Or whatever they did.



God, you're right, I'm a dumbass.

Posted by: jvo at February 7, 2009 2:45 PM

Time to commandeer this boat. Who's with me?

Posted by: bucdaddy at February 7, 2009 2:49 PM

Um... I will probably regret asking this, but what do the wipers do? Cause if sniffers sniff toothbrushes...

Posted by: the other kafka at February 7, 2009 3:06 PM

At least give me a 10-year moratorium before they decide to develop "Harbinger."

Good Lord, I completely forgot about that comic. Damn, Valiant was good. Well, at least before they retconned everything and then got sold to Acclaim.

Posted by: Vermillion at February 7, 2009 3:16 PM

*mutter ... grumble*

Posted by: bucdaddy at February 7, 2009 3:38 PM

This movie brought on a great text from one of my friends. "Watching Push right now. Was bored, drunk. This is sobering me up with it's shittiness."

Posted by: Kevin Longrie at February 7, 2009 3:53 PM

So what? Rowles decided that the little experiment with a weekend thread wasn't successful? He'd rather that we hijack the last post off the week?

Fine. Let's burn this motherfucker down!

Posted by: admin at February 7, 2009 4:53 PM

We don't need no water let the motherfucker burn!

Posted by: Sabrina at February 7, 2009 4:58 PM

God lord. I knew it would be bad but this... I was hoping at least Dakota could pull out some of those so called "acting chops" I keep hearing so much about. Sounds more like she pulled out a judo chop to your brains testicles. Shame.

Posted by: VentureSister at February 7, 2009 5:00 PM

Burn motherfucker, burn!

Posted by: admin at February 7, 2009 5:03 PM

how very disappointing...

the trailer made it out to be an action film, but an action film without the action? no thanks, and sniffers? WTF?

Posted by: noreha at February 7, 2009 5:16 PM

Thank God SOME people here finally want to talk about whether they've ever had sex:
1) In a room where other people were present.
2) In a room where other people were watching.
3) In a room where other people were having sex.
My proud and free Pajiblets: GO!
(The rest of you, feel free to talk about this awful movie.)
1) Yes.
2) I don't think, but maybe.
3) Possibly.

Posted by: bucdaddy at February 7, 2009 5:41 PM

I'm so mad. Djimon Hounsou is such a fantastic actor but somehow he always manages to end up in crap like this. It makes me want to shake him and say, "Remember Amistad?! Remember In America?! You could have been GREAT!"

But that's just me.

Posted by: citizen_cris at February 7, 2009 6:13 PM

Yes
Probably
Yes

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 7, 2009 6:20 PM

Give Djimon a break citizen_chris, he made Beauty Shop. Once you make that kind of bank you get to pick whatever projects you want.

To answer your inquiry bucdaddy.

Yes.
Yes.
and Yes.

To top it all off, it was my first time. She wasn't the most respectable of girls. Nor was I the consummate gentleman that I am today.

Posted by: admin at February 7, 2009 6:25 PM

1. No, but I've been in a room when other people were having sex. Thankfully, I was asleep for that.
2. Look, I can't be expected to know when the government is watching those spy cameras.

Posted by: Sabrina at February 7, 2009 6:27 PM

To top it all off, it was my first time. She wasn't the most respectable of girls. Nor was I the consummate gentleman that I am today.

Posted by: admin at February 7, 2009 6:25 PM

*chuckle*
*snort*

*HI FIVE*

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 7, 2009 6:52 PM

Wasn't Mariah Carey supposed to be in this fuckery?

http://www.imnotobsessed.com/2009/01/20/first-look-mariah-carey-in-pus

Posted by: Myss at February 7, 2009 6:58 PM

Why hasn't his Pookieness weighed in on this joint. I feel I'm in need of a little higher learnin'.

Posted by: admin at February 7, 2009 7:17 PM

Give Dakota Fanning some love here. She's pushing her acting limits at a young age... she's actually doing something relevant with her youth. That's much more refreshing than what the rest of the young Hollywood gets up to. Just compare her to that hannah montana tart ...

Posted by: Lydia at February 7, 2009 7:21 PM

So it's Jumper without the Samuel J. Jackson or the potential to have a more interesting story (Griffen fighting the Paladins would've been a much better movie)?

Guessed that from the trailer.

Posted by: Jim at February 7, 2009 7:51 PM


But is it more boring than the Dune miniseries for SciFi?

Posted by: JohnnyVonAwesome at February 7, 2009 7:56 PM

1. Yes
2. no
3. Yes

Dorm room, Mardi Gras, what was your name again?

Posted by: MrCreosote at February 7, 2009 7:58 PM

Jumper Push is actually supposed to be metaphorical, alright?!?! Samuel L. Jackson Djimon Hounsou is a badass. You leave Hayden Christensen's Chris Evans' acting alone. He's doing the best he can with his teleporting telekinesis powers. It's just a bad movie produced by Fox Fox. Give them a break!

Posted by: Ryan at February 7, 2009 8:21 PM

Thank God SOME people here finally want to talk about whether they've ever had sex:

1) In a room where other people were present.

On more than one occasion. Danger, Will Robinson, danger!

2) In a room where other people were watching.

Not intentionally -- my ego isn't that strong.

3) In a room where other people were having sex.

Unsure. I know what we were doing, but it was dark and I can't account for the others...

Posted by: Che Grovera at February 7, 2009 8:24 PM

I am disappointed...but whatever I would probably would have missed most of what was going on (apparently nothing) because I would be too busy trying to figure out how to pluck Camilla Belle's eyebrows from my seat. Seriously, all I see when I look at her face are her eyebrows....so distracting.

Also, I think of Gonzo's pet chicken.

Posted by: IheartBender at February 7, 2009 8:33 PM

1) In a room where other people were present.
Not in a room, per se...Does doing it in a lake while people were swimming a hundred feet or so away count?

2) In a room where other people were watching.
No, but came a little too close once. For a number of reasons (not least of all my own shyness) it would have been very, very bad.

3) In a room where other people were having sex.
No, but one night back in college while I was sleeping in my cousin's dorm room, she and her boyfriend had a little fun. Why she felt the need to tell me this later, I'll never know....

Posted by: meaux at February 7, 2009 8:49 PM

Not in a room, per se...Does doing it in a lake while people were swimming a hundred feet or so away count?

So you mix your professional and personal life, eh, meaux? *wink*

I have to think that bucdaddy's about to bust a giblet over his inability to get this thread hijacked! Everyone seems to keep wanting to talk about some movie with Dakota Fanning the next Celebrity Rehab contestant. Which reminds me that I caught part of the latest episode of Sober House earlier today where Andy Dick joins in the hijinks. I can't imagine what it would be like to be in a house where Rodney King was the most rational person present...

Posted by: Che Grovera at February 7, 2009 9:05 PM

A "Ukranian hooker" eh? Six of one, half a dozen of the other. What the hell is going on with Fanning's agent?

Posted by: Four Eyes at February 7, 2009 9:06 PM

My professional life? Are you saying I'm a whore, Che?! Humph. Well, I never.

Oh, right. I get it. No, in this case it was purely recreational swimming.

Hmm, but now I can't help but think of the logistics of sex and chest waders. It sounds both extremely unsexy and extremely unsafe...but on the other hand, it'd be a heck of a challenge.

Posted by: meaux at February 7, 2009 9:15 PM

Are you saying I'm a whore, Che?

--------------------------------------------------

Are you from the Ukraine...?

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 7, 2009 9:19 PM

...and cue the Pajiba After Dark theme music, Phil....

Posted by: meaux at February 7, 2009 9:41 PM

I could do with some sleep.. I might check this out, it sounds better than Tylenol PM.

Posted by: WD at February 7, 2009 10:05 PM

Hmm, but now I can't help but think of the logistics of sex and chest waders

And hence we have the birth of admins new fetish.

Bow chika wow wow.....

Posted by: admin at February 7, 2009 10:44 PM

OK, so back in college (all the best stuff happened in college) this chick I was lickin' I happened to lick while her roommate and HER boyfriend were on the other bed, separated from us by the backs of two chairs. Marty sucked me off (she was terrific, she could suck a tennis ball through a garden hose) I don't know what they were doing. They could have been watching us fuck around, or tbey could have been fucking, fuck if I know. Which I think sets a record for the number of times I've used "fuck" in one sentence.

Know what's weird? If I'd fallen in love with Marty for doing that, the entire course of my life would have changed, and notjust mine but at the very least three other people, and probably lots more, when you count up the in-laws and children.

You never know how the tiniest decisions you make today wll radically alter the course of dozens of lives. It's a huge responsibility, and it's amazing I can even type "responsibility" as fucked up as I am on Ezra Brooks.

BTW, the check-out guy who sold me the Ezra Brooks told me his name is Ezra. How fucked up is that?

Posted by: bucdaddy at February 8, 2009 12:30 AM

What a shitload of fuck.

Posted by: George at February 8, 2009 12:31 AM

D'you have a moustache or something?

Posted by: Jay at February 8, 2009 12:35 AM

Whenever I saw a commercial for this movie, all I could think was "JAZZ HANDS!"

Posted by: Ulfikedup at February 8, 2009 1:04 AM

Those are "The Fosses"

Posted by: Jay at February 8, 2009 1:06 AM

yicks. The subject of the film was enough to make me interested. Glad I read your review.

Posted by: EricD at February 8, 2009 1:34 AM

Good Lord, I completely forgot about that comic. Damn, Valiant was good. Well, at least before they retconned everything and then got sold to Acclaim.

No kidding. That first few years of Valiant were filled with quality stuff.

And "Harbinger" is what I thought of when I heard of "Push." If nothing else, a George Takei-version of Toyo Harada would have been far more intriguing that Djimon Honshou phoning in another bad movie like Push or Never Back Down or Eragon, The Island, Tomb Raider 2 or Biker Boyz.

Posted by: Fredo at February 8, 2009 2:16 AM

I spent my $10 to see this movie and would love to have them back. If I wanted to be this bored I could have stayed home. But what shocked me though is that walking out of the theater I heard a couple people say "That was really good." I was shocked out of my mind. I have no idea what they were watching but it couldn't have been this.

Posted by: Tra at February 8, 2009 2:21 AM

It sounds deliciously tepid. I will eat this movie with a handful of Vicodin and a fifth of vodka, and it will be DIVINE.

But that makes everything, even old bacon, better, doesn't it?

Posted by: Dagon at February 8, 2009 2:44 AM

FIRST!!

That was my first "first" ever. Thanks, Pajiba.

Posted by: Mike at February 8, 2009 5:27 AM

FIRST!!

That was my first "first" ever. Thanks, Pajiba.
------------------------------------
Posted by: Mike at February 8, 2009 5:27 AM


And it shall be your last. Slim, release the hounds.

Posted by: admin at February 8, 2009 10:20 AM

Slim, release the hounds.

Posted by: admin at February 8, 2009 10:20 AM
------------------------------------------------

To quote Lord Humongous (ruler of the Wasteland)

"...I' am greatly disappointed, once again, I'm forced to unleash my dogs of war..."

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 8, 2009 10:56 AM

Isn't that some kind of bot? I saw "somebody" else make the same comment the other day, and also not the first comment.

Maybe it's the Nexus 6, as it were. They don't drop the url until they seem harmless.

Posted by: Jay at February 8, 2009 11:16 AM

I think I fell asleep when I saw the trailer for this movie.

Posted by: victor at February 8, 2009 3:55 PM

Yeah, I saw this when it was Scanners II and I'd still take David Hewlett over any of these clowns. Stay classy Dakota honey, I goodwilled the stuff you were wearing last Friday.

Posted by: Ukrainian Hooker at February 8, 2009 4:59 PM

To make this movie at all enjoyable, we all need to do a little 'sniffing' of our own before heading to the theater.

Posted by: Shaun at February 8, 2009 5:13 PM

Well thank you for saving me ten bucks!!

Posted by: Nathan at February 8, 2009 8:03 PM

Posted by: Ukrainian Hooker at February 8, 2009 4:59 PM

HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 8, 2009 8:04 PM

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Posted by: kelly at February 8, 2009 9:01 PM

Dear Penthouse Forum:

I don't usually do this...but this one time...

...and you know what that's like so I took it in my hand and started...you know...and then this hooker...so after I wiped it off I .... there was NO FUCKING WAY you could wipe that...I was STILL hard and then...

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 8, 2009 9:26 PM

So... you liked it, then?

Posted by: Lyric at February 9, 2009 1:55 AM

You had me at Ukrainian hooker.

Posted by: sailboat at February 9, 2009 3:34 AM

"...and she dresses like a Ukrainian hooker"

Nice!

Posted by: haplo at February 9, 2009 6:36 AM

WIPERS? Did they seriously not see how hilarious that is? Do they have Burpers, Farters and Fisters, too?

Posted by: DeadBessie at February 9, 2009 10:00 AM

"and she dresses like a Ukrainian hooker."

And that was exactly the first thing that came to mind after seeing the trailer. Also, isn't this a Heroes movie?! That would definitely explain the mediocrity.

Posted by: io at February 9, 2009 10:30 AM

This review was an action-packed, rollicking ride that has left me breathless.

No, really. Hilarious. Effortless snark. I wish the movie had been better. I watch most movies where I'm assured Dakota won't be graphically violated.

Posted by: Sweetie Dahling at February 9, 2009 12:14 PM

I had no trouble following the plot. I will say that, yes: They spent far too long wandering around and hanging out in hotel rooms.

That aside, I rather enjoyed it. Well, not the Ukranian hooker bit. I rather like Ukranian Hookers. Its the Thai hookers you have to watch out for. Most of them aren't of age, aren't the sex they tell you they are and... well... some memories are just to painful.

And Dakota, honey? You don't want to be the white Thai hooker.

Posted by: Spike at February 9, 2009 12:15 PM

Oh, and...
1)Yes
2)Not sure. Probably.
3)Yes. I don't snore through boring movies.

Posted by: Sweetie Dahling at February 9, 2009 12:23 PM

Wow. i liked it. i feel like an A-hole.

Posted by: Scott at February 9, 2009 1:13 PM

cant wait for push in the uk
i love Fanning,is she not legal yet....
you now in china
too young is just a name lol hehehe

Posted by: piggy at February 9, 2009 2:55 PM

Any idiot with half a brain can criticize and judge. After all critics are failed wannabe actors etc etc...Its better to build than to tear down man...

Posted by: tim at February 11, 2009 12:18 PM

Your review was almost as boring as the movie.

Posted by: raj at February 11, 2009 12:19 PM

Can beleive I wasted 5 mins reading this crap that passes for a "review". Like the dude who fell asleep, you should too Phil.

Posted by: brian at February 11, 2009 12:21 PM

Can beleive I wasted 5 mins reading this crap that passes for a "review". Like the dude who fell asleep, you should too Phil.

Posted by: brian at February 11, 2009 12:22 PM

I think this movie would have been better if Chris Evans would have flashed is rock-hard, tasty abs. Meh.

Posted by: Celesteab at February 13, 2009 12:33 AM





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