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February 18, 2009 |

By Stacey Nosek | Film | February 18, 2009 |

For anyone unfamiliar with Private Valentine: Blonde and Dangerous, this film is the second of Jessica Simpson’s major theatrical releases that ended up going straight to DVD, (the first being Blonde Ambition) presumably because it took the American public almost five entire years to realize that Jessica Simpson is good for absolutely nothing other than confusing chicken and tuna fish. The film was originally slated to be titled Major Movie Star, but I’m guessing it was changed just in case anyone might not realize that this is a blatant rip-off of Goldie Hawn’s Private Benjamin and also because the original title didn’t have the word “blonde” in it.

00:05: As with Blonde Ambition, this is also a “Papa Joe Film.” Wasn’t that originally the tabloids name for him? God he is creepy.

00:56: A Hispanic maid brings Jessica Simpson an elaborately prepared breakfast in bed and lovingly says, “Mees Valentine… Mees Valentine… Eeets time to get up.” Right? Because she’s so spoiled and pampered! Don’t forget! That’ll be important later.

01:12: An annoying foofey dog jumps up on the bed who Jessica calls “Peek-a-boo.” Gag me with a chainsaw.

02:16: Jessica’s character’s name is Megan Valentine, but screw it — I’m not going to refer to her that. She’s Jessica Simpson playing Jessica Simpson because that’s all she can do and she can barely even do that. Anyway, Jessica is getting ready for a film premiere with the help of her handler cronies. Her stupid foofey dog starts chewing on what is likely a pair of $800 shoes and she says “Peek-a-boo, don’t chew on those Jimmy Choos!” Impressed with herself she says, “How cute is that?” I dunno, is there such a thing as negative cute?

02:46: Some preening middle-aged asshole in a black leather jacket and too much product in his hair comes dicking in and basically tells Jessica that she looks like a cheap whore and bitches out her handlers for making her look that way. Papa Joe Simpson’s character I presume?

03:02: He’s her manager, so basically: Yes, it’s Papa Joe. Skeevy Manager reminds Jessica that he’s been her manager since she was 13. Jessica reminds Skeevy Manager that he also once told her that “[her] period is the Devil’s way of saying hi.” He responds “I don’t exactly think that menstruation is a gift from a loving God.” This actor must have followed Joe Simpson around for months to get this character down right.

04:28: Skeevy Manager makes Jessica wear something white and virginal. I guess he isn’t like Papa Joe at all. Papa Joe would have at least insisted on some side boob.

05:22: Jessica and her stupid, boring blonde boyfriend head over to the premiere in the back of a limo drinking champagne. Jessica gets a call from her agent Sydney, played by an inordinately tanned Steve Guttenberg. On one hand, Steve Guttenberg hasn’t exactly made the kind of career choices to deserve better than this… On the other hand, poor goddamn Steve Guttenberg. Sydney informs Jessica that they’re looking for someone more “serious” for a Streisand biopic because she’s basically just a pair of Double-D’s with blonde hair. Is Jessica Simpson (the person, not the character) even intelligent enough to be offended by this? Probably not.

07:04: The couple arrives at the premiere and promptly gets harassed by a paparazzi named “Joe Kidd” played by Andy Milonakis (who appears to be uncredited, according to IMDB) who for whatever reason has it out for Jessica and her boyfriend. Why, I care not. Anyway, it’s a talking dog movie called Rupert and Alice. Jessica’s character incredibly manages to be even worse of an actress than the real Jessica Simpson. (And yet, Jessica Simpson would be so lucky to score a talking dog movie.)

08:36: Jessica’s boyfriend has to leave the premiere early to catch a plane. Wah. She sees him off; heads back in and hears one of her handlers talking smack about her from a toilet stall. Double wah.

09:04: Gute Flambé calls her and needs to meet immediately. Apparently Jessica’s “Cousin Barry” (a cameo by some character actor everybody knows but nobody knows the name of and the IMDB doesn’t appear to match up for this movie so I’m too lazy to hunt him down — whew!) stole all of her money. She’s broke and will lose her house. Jessica’s life is headed towards shitsville.

10:30: Jessica is sad so she calls up her sister, who wants nothing to do with her because she’s a self centered, vapid asshole. She hangs up on her. Heh.

11:32: She can’t get ahold of Skeevy Manager so she shows up at his home, unannounced. Surprise! He’s effing her stupid, boring, and apparently gay boyfriend. Since these characters seem to be loosely based on reality, I wonder if Papa Joe was the real reason for her divorce from Nick Lachey? I’d ponder this though further, but if I did I’d need to spray disinfectant on my brain.

13:22: She grabs a bottle of champagne on her way out and proceeds to crash her car in a drunken, mascara-teared daze. The generic OnStar rip-off contacts her to see if she’s OK and she cries about her life being in the shitter, then stumbles away with the champagne, abandoning her car. In times like these, you have to ask yourself: “What Would Lohan Do?”

16:24: Jessica wakes up with an empty bottle on the steps of the army recruitment center. She wakes up and joins the army, logically, because… That’s what this movie is about.

17:25: Aboard the army bus. Jessica is passed out. The other girls on the bus are alternately thrilled and disgusted to see her there.

19:53: They reach the army place and board off the bus. Vivica A. Fox is the meanie Drill Sergeant with a bug up her ass whose job it is to be a big jerk to everyone. Cheri Oteri is a former sergeant who came back to the army because of a failed marriage and is now starting from scratch at boot camp. I don’t know anything about the armed forces whatsoever but I’m fairly positive the army doesn’t work like that. Whatever.

22:56 Sergeant Vivica continues to ruin everybody’s day. When she gets to Jessica, Jessica naturally has had a change of heart and tells her she’s in the wrong place. Long story short, the scene ends in a really long, creepy, uncomfortable scene with Jessica doing pushups that involve a lot of breast shots and grunting. Oh, the fish out of water hijinks which will undoubtedly unfold from here!

24:56: I’ve never seen Private Benjamin, but I’m guessing this is exactly what it’s like. Stripped of any redeeming qualities whatsoever.

26:39 Tons more whining, uncomprehending and general stupidity on Jessica’s part. She’s basically like a nonfunctioning retarded person. Another young, generically handsome Drill Sergeant whose name I don’t know yells at her. We’ll call him “Sergeant Blandey.”

29:56: Gute Flambé and some white-haired lawyer show up to the army to try to rescue Jessica. They meet with Sergeant Vivica and the Captain, who has a bulldog that farts. Because it’s those tiny details that make a difference. Gute Flambé tells them that she can’t be in the army because she’s a “major movie star.” BOY did they blow their movie title tie-in load there. Jessica isn’t allowed to leave because the army doesn’t work that way, and all of a sudden they care about how the army works.

30:48: Music montage. Jessica fails at everything, just like in real life.

36:16: Jessica continues to fuck everything up over and over and over again. It’s as repetitive as it sounds. Every time she fucks up, her whole squadron is punished. Everyone hates Jessica. But trust me, not nearly as much as I do right now.

37:43: Cheri Oteri hates Jessica the most of all. At first I kind of felt bad for her that she’s in this, but after watching a minute of her hammy performance I remember exactly why she annoyed the crap out of me on “Saturday Night Live.” God, Cheri Oteri sucks.

42:47: Jessica’s spectacular incompetence at the army, which is only somewhat overshadowed by Jessica Simpson’s spectacular incompetence at acting, continues to get everyone in trouble.

44:26: Sergeant Blandey gives Jessica a lame pep talk which makes her look inside herself or some shit. Clearly this is the turning point in the movie where she decides to Make An Effort.

50:07: All of a sudden, Jessica has turned over a new leaf. Her fellow cadets start to hate her slightly less. For what it’s worth, I still hate her the same.

51:02: Jessica writes to her assistant and thanks her for her hard work, because she suddenly “gets it.” She also asks her to google Sergeant Vivica because she thinks she recognizes her. A thrilling development, for sure.

52:00: Joe Kidd shows up and gives Sergeant Vivica his card, because he still wants to ruin Jessica’s life. I wonder if it’s because he also hates her stupid chin and unnaturally white teeth, just like I do.

54:08: Jessica excels at an platoon exercise that involves a pole, because her first film role was “a stripper with a heart of gold.” Huh. I thought she had been acting since was was 13? Clearly, consistency is not this film’s strong suite. Neither is acting, writing, character development or overall quality.

54:53: Sergeant Vivica is livid. She calls Joe Kidd with a hot tip. We don’t find out what it is. We don’t care, either.

60:01: Jessica finally bonds with the other cadets. It’s touching, really. In fact right right now I’m touching my fist to my skull, repeatedly. There’s also a really unsettling scene where Jessica sneaks her friends chocolate bars and they all eat them in a fellating manner. Papa Joe’s creative contribution, no doubt.

64:04: She finally gets the dirt on Sergeant Vivica from her assistant, and it turns out she used to star in raunchy “B” horror flicks. They finagle for a training video to swap out for one of her movies, humiliating her in front of everyone. It makes no sense whatsoever. This whole movie couldn’t make less sense if it had been written by chimpanzees with learning disabilities.

66:54: Sergeant Vivica gets her revenge. The tabloid comes out with all the smack she talked about her fellow cadets when she first got to army. They all hate her again! Hooray! Right afterwards, Gute Flambé breaks her out due to a clerical error and she’s free to go.

72:04: Jessica goes home and realizes how empty and meaningless life was before the army. I sympathize. My life is feeling pretty empty and meaningless right now as a direct result of this movie. She fires all of the backstabbers in her entourage and heads back to base to “finish what she started.” Dear God how much longer is this going to last?

74:45: She arrives back to base just in time for the final team exercise. Predictably, she’s in charge of the team made up of all the girls who hate her. Sergeant Blandey is the team supervisor. He obviously wants to fuck her retarded brains out.

82:09: A lot of boring shit happens. They do the field exercise. Jessica almost screws up again but then winds up saving the day. Cheri Oteri tries to sabotage her team and they almost don’t make it, but then — spoiler alert! — in the end they totally do. Jessica’s team is the big winner and she once again earns the respect of her fellow cadets.

93:47: Graduation. Jessica is going into the USO for a year because her life now has meaning and she’s a bigger person. (Literally, if you’ve seen pictures of her lately, *wink wink, nudge nudge*) Blah blah fucking blah. She makes up with her sister. She makes up with Cheri Oteri. Sergeant Vivica kind of almost respects her. She kisses Sergeant Blandey. Stacey gets to go drink to forget. Everyone is happy.

94:46: The end! Hopefully this will be the last Jessica Simpson movie because she carries even less box office clout than before, which — considering her last two movies went straight to DVD — was apparently “none to fucking begin with.”

Stacey Nosek is the world’s most articulate idiot, and a television columnist for Pajiba. You can also find her ripping on celebrities at Webster’s Is My Bitch.

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Private Valentine: Blonde & Dangerous Real Time Review / Stacey Nosek

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