free counter with statistics Pirates Who Don't Do Anything, The: A Veggietales Movie | Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People

pirates1sm.jpg

I Should’ve Had a Motherfucking V8

The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything: A VeggieTales Movie / Agent Bedhead

Film Reviews | January 17, 2008 | Comments (79)

O Cucumber of my soul
Our Father, the King, when I witness your Sword
Something in this Ship of Fools just won’t stop
I know your Asparagus watches over me

Holy crap. Between this movie and First Sunday, it feels like I’ve had a double shot of Jesus Juice this week. Besides the fact that I want to get all high on life and shit, this experience hasn’t been nearly as bad as you’d think. In fact, The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything just might present a perfect antidote to the whole Captivity madness, for if any film should contain a pureed-organ smoothie scene, it would have to be one where the characters consist of mostly vegetables. In addition, this film presented an unparalleled opportunity to witness swashbuckling vegetables with a moral conscience. These anthropomorphic globules, who by their own admissions are actually fruits, share their knowledge of world-class philosophy and, most importantly, their blind faith. As a follow-up to direct-to-video pieces of crap as well as Jonah, 2002’s rather aggressive exploration of Old Testament lore, we receive the newest installment of the VeggieTales franchise, The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything. This is the first VeggieTales film brought to you not only by the evangelists at Big Idea but also by Universal Pictures, so the message within takes the form of a parable instead of the direct method of preaching. This allows the kiddies to enjoy subliminal morality, while their bored parents doze.

It’s somewhat surprising that the VeggieTales have taken a turn towards the watered-down mainstream in this seaward tale, which may in fact piss off some of the hardcore Bible-inspired parents out there. In fact, I am stunned at the audacity of the filmmakers to pretty much alienate their target audience by tossing out a loosely-framed canned tale that contains about as much spirituality as a single bean sprout. Until now, VeggieTales has been pretty much a two-man operation and it remains mostly so. The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything is directed by Mike Nawrocki and written by Phil Vischer and co-produced by both. In addition, most of the voice work is done by Nawrocki and Vischer as well. However, the influence of a major film studio is pretty obvious — not only because the message within The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything has been subdued, but also because the visuals are anything but muted. Instead of the formerly 3D-plasticky look of the series, this movie is awash with the vibrant blues of the sea and the warm colors of sandy beaches. The script, however, could have used some fortification, for even talking vegetables should have more substance to work with. Instead, the film lingers through many unnecessary regurgative scenes, eventually teaching that a true hero isn’t necessarily someone who is physically strong and abundantly courageous. Essentially, it’s not the size of your cutlass sword, but rather, what you do with that sword, ya dig?

The atypical heroes of this film are three regular VeggieTales characters who step into the roles of “cabin boys” (busboys); they work at a pirate-themed dinner-theater restaurant that serves, um, vegetables. Larry the Cucumber appears as Elliot, Mr. Lunt (a gourd) plays Sedgwick, and Pa Grape rolls in as George. All three of the friends are yearning for vegetable stardom in the restaurant’s pirate production, but after a non-seasoned audition, these losers are told that they’re not hero material. Their shortcomings are rather obvious — Elliot has no courage, Sedgwick lacks motivation, and George doesn’t think he’s worth a shit — and lend the meaning to the film’s title. Meanwhile, a 17th century ship owned by two leeks, the good Princess Eloise (Laura Gerow) and her wimpy brother Alexander (Yuri Lowenthal), is pillaged by the dread pirate, Robert the Terrible (Cam Clarke), who takes Alexander as a hostage. Then, Eloise and her butler, Willory, send a magical device (crafted by “our Father, the King”) to find heroes to rescue them. We don’t know much about Eloise, but as in all rescue stories, the victim is the least significant of all the characters. All we know is that Eloise is good, and that’s all that matters. Of course, the hero-finder snatches up the wrong guys, Elliot, Sedgwick, and George, to rescue and defend the righteous Kingdom. It’s pretty damn lame as a storyline, and if I said more, it would give the rest of the sparse plot away, but the Biblical parallels aren’t difficult to conjure up.

A few slightly interesting characters appear during the course of the threadbare adventure. Ferocious killer cheese curls and rock monsters, both of which seem borrowed from a Japanese anime film, attempt to kick the heroes’ nonexistent asses. In addition, allusions are made both to Edward Scissorhands and Scarface, the latter of which was pretty bizarre in the context of a Christian morality tale. Also disorienting are the lack of arms and legs on most of the veggie characters, who hop instead of walking as well as row boats and clash swords with only the aid of “ghost” limbs. Hell, I guess the suspension of disbelief for this weirdness is a test of one’s faith, which is a scary enough proposition if you really think about it, so please don’t. This VeggieTales movie probably won’t interest anyone who either isn’t of preschool age or hasn’t been ingesting special brownies. This film is suitable for those looking to occupy a young child who adores pirates but is too young for the violence of the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy. While the movie is completely wholesome and a good diversion, there really isn’t much story at all. I think that the average 22-minute episode of “Dora the Explorer” offers more lessons and entertainment value than this 88-minute feature film. If you simply must see this film, then wait for the damn DVD — just don’t tell me about it, or I may show up on your doorstep with a jug of Jesus Juice.

Agent Bedhead lives in Tulsa, Oklahoma and will see you in hell. In the meantime, she can be found at agentbedhead.com.


← Save the Pajiba, Save the World | Persepolis →



Comments

Kudos for viewing this Agent Bedhead, I don't think I could ever sit through that movie. Veggietales may be a nice day at the cineplex for kids, but if I wanted to watch a movie featuring characters shaped like various sex toys, I'd just rent some porn.

Posted by: Julie at January 17, 2008 12:50 PM

Quite honestly, I'd rather take my chances with "Blonde Ambition"...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at January 17, 2008 12:50 PM

First Dustin, now you. I nominate you both for Purple Buttcheeks for sitting thru such dreck as BA and this crap. I can't stand that people try to force this junk down kids' throats as "entertainment." Its crap, people, plain and simple. A cucumber is only funny in one context and if a little kid knows what that context is, then somebody needs to call CPS.

Posted by: dammitjanet at January 17, 2008 1:03 PM

Hmm, Julie.

A movie featuring characters shaped like various sex toys? Sounds like a concept! Get Uwe Boll on the phone!

In order to even consider watching this movie, I'd have to have a lobotomy.

Posted by: The Wanderer at January 17, 2008 1:04 PM

Please tell me you got a huge bonus or a week at a spa for sitting through this. It sounds awful.

Posted by: Kolby at January 17, 2008 1:08 PM

One of my sister's many jobs (she has, like, four) is working as a nanny on weekends for two tiny tots, one of whom is autistic. The child went through a phase for awhile where he had to watch Veggie Tales at least twice a day or he'd pitch a fit and have a bit of a breakdown, and at one point my sister called me and told me she'd give me the balance of her next student loan if I'd drive to the house with earplugs, a blindfold, and some horse tranquilizers (for her, not the kid). Now, if you so much as mention Veggie Tales, she morphs into a rage monster and starts stuttering in a paroxysm of suppressed animosity.

Posted by: Sarina at January 17, 2008 1:10 PM

The VeggieTales characters no longer belong to Phil Vischer, so they may not be Christian characters at all anymore.

I don't know about his work on the movie, but he discusses the rise and fall of Big Idea in his book "Me, Myself and Bob" which is not only an interesting business study of his company's lifespan but of the first few years of computer animation, and how the VeggieTales were created.

Phil Vischer is a pretty funny writer in the book, and because he's writing ostensibly to an audience of his fellows, there's not an abundance of overpreachiness.

Posted by: twig at January 17, 2008 1:11 PM

I don't believe in God, or any higher power. I go to church for weddings and funerals. I refuse to participate in religious debate because I find it infuriatingly frustrating. And yet... there is something rather charming about Veggie Tales. I've seen how much little kids love it.

So forgive me if my cold, black heart doesn't mind a little Veggie Tale action. I won't see it, but I won't condemn its existence. If you're a Christian and you want to amuse and educate your kids, you could do far worse. I disagree that it's crap. It may not be your cup of tea, particularly if you're not a Christian, but it's not like Veggie Tales is teaching intolerance or hatred. It's a product directed at a specific population, and frankly, it probably does more good than harm, and that's a rarity in children's entertainment these days.

Posted by: TK at January 17, 2008 1:15 PM

I heard about this a few weeks ago, and all I can do is snicker as I recall Yuri Lowenthal's hilarious line revisions in the outtakes from Noein, and imagine how much he had to hold back for this pap. Man has a wicked foul mouth (and sense of humor.)

Posted by: pinkcheese at January 17, 2008 1:20 PM

*sigh* I'm with TK. the original veggietales tapes (yes, for your VCR. I'm a neanderthal.) are quite witty at times. a must-view when you're giggly drunk. I make no excuses for it's current condition now, though, especially if they're no longer in the hands of phil vischer, as twig states.

Posted by: shyestviolet at January 17, 2008 1:25 PM

That's true, T.K., if I had kids I'd take them. It would certainly be better than the vapid talking animals of Madagascar or Shark Tale who have no discernable message other than "Will Smith is a fish! Give me your money!" But for just me? Veggie porn. Because I'm a 12 year-old boy.

Posted by: Julie at January 17, 2008 1:26 PM

Actually, TheWanderer, we need to make the game first. Then Uwe Boll would be all over that shit.

Posted by: ScarletKnight at January 17, 2008 1:32 PM

Julie... who rents porn? You clearly have a computer... right?

Posted by: mick at January 17, 2008 1:35 PM

My kids enjoyed it. I thought it was better than Jonah (better pacing, less singing). I don't mind the VT offerings, they are at worst harmless and at best helpful. (Madame Blueberry's cautionary tale about over-consumerism makes the point better than we can.)

Posted by: Kermit at January 17, 2008 1:38 PM

I have a thing for kids' movies. I do. Sometimes I really enjoy a couple hours relaxing in front of a sweet, silly, innocent little flick that requires minimal brain power. I also found Veggie Tales (at least the old school Veggie Tales) to be consistently cute and goofy (and they did have some good messages, even for non-religious folks). I used to watch it all the time with some kids I babysat, and damn it if I didn't enjoy it just as much as they did. I was excited to see this, and I still plan to. I have a feeling, no offense to you, Agent Bedhead, that your aversion to "Jesus Juice" may have colored your review of the film.

Posted by: tt_marie at January 17, 2008 1:40 PM

Special brownies + VeggieTales = Best memories ever!

Posted by: Agent Scully at January 17, 2008 1:43 PM

Compared to the rest of Saturday morning kiddie fare, let me tell you, Veggie Tales is nothing less than Shakespearean.

Most everything else on Saturday morning network TV is either live action lameness ala "Zack & Cody's Suite Life" (or whatever it's called), where it's about nothing but fashion, being a "cool kid" and "fitting in", or anime-inspired stuff that is LOUDER than a WHO concert, and jerkier than an epileptic seizure. And then there's the Backyardigans. Whew!

Like TK, I'm no Christian, but Veggie Tales has never struck me as being overtly Christian anyways. Teaching some morality to kids isn't a bad thing, and morality itself isn't the sole provenance of Christianity to begin with.

Alot of parents I know (and at my age, I know plenty) aren't churchgoers themselves, and have never seemed overly interested in teaching ethics and morality to their children, so the question becomes - where are the kids of today supposed to learn right from wrong, or at least a bit of empathy towards their fellow man?

Veggie Tales may not have the most entertainment value, but it does have it's purpose.

Posted by: Mohaski at January 17, 2008 1:45 PM

Really. Veggie Tales isn't THAT bad. I used to watch them when I ran the nursery at my old church (I was raised going to church, but I no longer go. Organized religion and I? Not so much anymore.). Bibilical references aside, the characters were kind of cute and funny. Like TK said, a parent could do much worse for kid's entertainment.

Posted by: Jess at January 17, 2008 1:54 PM

Vegetable characters serving vegetable meals to vegetable customers at a pirate-themed restaurant?
That's distrubing. And cannibalistic. No?

Posted by: jen310 at January 17, 2008 1:57 PM

Vegetable characters serving vegetable meals to vegetable customers at a pirate-themed restaurant?
That's disturbing. And cannibalistic. No?

Posted by: jen310 at January 17, 2008 1:58 PM

Agent Bedhead - I'm also confused about one more thing: I don't see how you can grumble about the movie shoving religion at you while simultaneously complaining that it doesn't pack a strong enough moral punch.

Posted by: tt_marie at January 17, 2008 1:59 PM

It's not like a condemn the world of the veggie tales, I just don't give a shit. And though I love Pajiba and all of it's insulting forms, it was tough to read this review because my mind grapes were saying the entire time "dont' give a shit don't give a shit don't give a shit".

Seriously - what's the point of being snarky about films that are almost critic proof?

Posted by: Withnail at January 17, 2008 1:59 PM

Sorry for the double post. I'm an idiot who can't spell until after I've already posted.
I shouldn't drink so early in the day.

Posted by: jen310 at January 17, 2008 2:01 PM

"In addition, allusions are made both to Edward Scissorhands and Scarface, the latter of which was pretty bizarre in the context of a Christian morality tale. "

Damn, that almost makes me want to see it. Please save me from that, and just tell me how the Scarface allusion works.

Posted by: fuggle at January 17, 2008 2:03 PM

I haven't seen any of the Veggie Tales since Phil Vischer lost the company, but the original ones were witty and charming--my preschoolers loved them and I didn't want to be injected with horse tranquilizers as with most children's programming/entertainment. I'm not allergic to Jesus Juice, but even the original series was more about moral choices, not preaching the gospel. I'm A-OK with my kids getting messages against "Stuff Mart" and Gilbert & Sullivan allusions.

Posted by: Lilywise at January 17, 2008 2:06 PM

"In fact, I am stunned at the audacity of the filmmakers to pretty much alienate their target audience by tossing out a loosely-framed canned tale that contains about as much spirituality as a single bean sprout." AB

Actually, one of the networks approached Big Idea for Sat. morning cartoons. But the deal fell thru when the honchos wanted them to water down the "God" factor.


I have no issue with VeggieTales. They serve their purpose. My kids loved them back in the day and actually want to see this movie. (They also have a LOTR and Indiana Jones spoofs). Some of their stuff is actually pretty funny especially the original "Pirates who don't do anything" song from one of the videos.

And bless TK's godless little heart for sticking up for the Veggies.

Posted by: wsapnin at January 17, 2008 2:08 PM

Amended to clarify: One story had a message against Stuff Mart. And another story used Gilbert & Sullivan allusions. Didn't want it to sound like VeggieTales bashes Gilbert & Sullivan ...

Posted by: LIlywise at January 17, 2008 2:08 PM

I think since Veggie Tales is getting a little stale (ignore the rhyme and the pun please), why don't they hit a new generation with "Fruity Tales". Huh? "Fruity Tales". Featuring the adventurous banana and his sidekick apple twins!! Churches everywhere would be...

Wait a sec. Nevermind. What the hell was I thinking?

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at January 17, 2008 2:09 PM

First Footprint posters, now Jesus Juice! Do you people live on another planet than I do?

Urban dictionary says that Jesus Juice is "wine in a coke can" - what's Jesus got to do with this beverage?

Satan's Vagina! I feel like I'm the one with the special brownies.

Posted by: Estelle at January 17, 2008 2:09 PM

My wife was a nanny once too, and the VeggieTales CD was on constant rotation in the car. Like all kiddie music, it was mostly annoying, but nothing could top the "Pirates who don't do anything" song for achieving the rare double: inducing enough rage and violent urges to consider self-lobotomy rather than continue listening AND ear-worming itself into your consciousness and refusing to go away. Ever. Great to see they made a movie based on that.

Posted by: jay at January 17, 2008 2:11 PM

Alas Mick, I only have a computer at work. And yes, I live in the stone ages.

By "rent" porn, I meant buy porn. :)

Posted by: Julie at January 17, 2008 2:17 PM

Wow, I think TK just took me to school.

Posted by: Kolby at January 17, 2008 2:24 PM

It IS kind of hilarious that Veggie Tales has sparked a debate - doesn't take much, evidently. I think most Pajibans could manage to get worked up over whether toilet paper should come up over the top or be pulled from the bottom.

In case anyone didn't have a VT song stuck in their head by now...

Bob: If you like to talk to tomatoes
If a squash can make you smile
If you like to waltz with potatoes
Up and down the produce aisle...
Have we got a show for you!

Posted by: tt_marie at January 17, 2008 2:26 PM

I think that I'm going to wait until I'm back home for Spring Break, when no one I know is in town, and rent this to watch with a pint of Ben and Jerry's.

Memories of tons of people piled on a couch singing along to this song and "Yodeling Veterinarian of the Alps" make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside-- not to mention the hilarious Reliant K cover.

Posted by: That Girl at January 17, 2008 2:32 PM

tt_marie - there is nothing to get worked up over. Toilet paper should always come over the top of the roll. ALWAYS.

Posted by: Kolby at January 17, 2008 2:33 PM

I also like VeggieTales, and will be borrowing this DVD from friends with kids to see it. They are well written, funny, and if you skip the end of each episode (the last line is always "God loves you very much"), a lot less religious than one would think.

However, if any of you are thinking of getting these DVDs for your kids but don't think the Rapture is coming anytime soon, skip the episode where the main characters go to work at the chocolate bunny factory. That one is full-on religious and a little scary. In fact, I didn't realize the VeggieTales were "Christian" until I saw that episode.

Posted by: Three-nineteen at January 17, 2008 2:38 PM

Movies (as well as people) like these make me want to spin my head around and curse uncontrollably.

My five year old and I will my missing this one.

Posted by: courtney at January 17, 2008 2:38 PM

Movies (as well as people) like these make me want to spin my head around and curse uncontrollably.

My five year old and I will be missing this one.

Posted by: courtney at January 17, 2008 2:39 PM

Movies (as well as people) like these make me want to spin my head around and curse uncontrollably.

My five year old and I will be missing this one.

Posted by: courtney at January 17, 2008 2:39 PM

we are the pirates who don't do anything
we spend our day just lying round
and if you ask us we'll tell you
we are the pirates who don't do anything!

I saw the poster for this at a movie theater around Christmas and I spent two days driving my husband-to-be up the wall singing all the veggie tales songs that I knew, plus "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt" and "On Top of Old Spaghetti". I have the Reliant K cover as my ringtone now.

Apparently christmas combined with approaching wedding sent me over the edge into annoying 8 year old land.

I will be watching this on dvd when it comes out. Just for the songs.

I am not a christian nor a parent, I just watched the Jonah movie once (long story) and found the characters trippy and charming.

Posted by: Jennifer at January 17, 2008 2:48 PM

I've never seen Veggie Tales myself, and reading the rest of these comments sparked my curiosity, so I called my sister and asked her why she hates them. Like, in the sense that she hated them upon first viewing, or if it's more a problem of familiarity breeding contempt due to infinitely repeated viewings. She said she didn't see why anyone would hate the Veggie Tales on merit alone. She described them as cute and harmless, but said after months of several hours a day they made her want to kill herself.

To be fair, I think the same thing happens with any movie, show or song a kid latches onto, because they want to repeat it over and over again ad nauseum until you pray for an early death. When I was eleven and my sister was about two she fell deeply, madly in love (as only a toddler can) with Raffi's song Baby Beluga. She listened to it approximately eighty five billion times. To this day, if I hear that song I start whimpering in pain.

However, I have a friend who lets her three year old listen to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, who are not only annoying the first time you hear them but also devoid of all merit, both creatively and personally. I'd rather listen to Baby Beluga for the rest of my life than inflict either of those two on a defenseless, impressionable child.

Posted by: Sarina at January 17, 2008 2:58 PM

Julie... Have you actually seen a movie featuring characters shaped like various sex toys? I hate to be bringing the IQ of this thread down by combining porn and veggie tales, but hard questions need answers. Much like the bible(segue)...Who made God? Has anyone ever seen God? What porno had humping kumquats? Is it Japanese?

Posted by: mick at January 17, 2008 2:59 PM

Kolby: You're a ninny and a simpleton. If you have a larger roll and you pull it up over the top, it is more likely rip prematurely, and you may also have to deal with the squares splitting in half - you know where one of the plys separates from the other ply? And they never ever ever match up again? Ever? So you have...like, ONE PLY that is longer than the other ply EVERY TIME you rip off a piece of TP? Who can live like that? Did you ever think of the fact that TP stands not only for toilet paper but also for two-ply? By the way, is that how you spell ply? Is ply a real word? Why does it look like random nonsensical letters all bunched up together? Am I going batshit crazy as a result of this discussion? Am I mentally/physically incapable of not asking any more stupid questions? VEGGIE TALES!

Posted by: tt_marie at January 17, 2008 3:02 PM

Mick...not yet, but God willing I will find it.

And dude, if I had a band, I would totally name it Humping Kumquats.

Posted by: Julie at January 17, 2008 3:21 PM

Back when I was in college and the first "Silly Songs With Larry" video had come out we used to get drunk and sing along to it. One night when there were about 30 of us drunkenly singing "oh where is my hairbrush" the cops knocked on the door (once they were able to stop laughing) and wrote us a ticket for a noise violation.

Posted by: green at January 17, 2008 3:30 PM

Aw, Kolby, you know we're cool... most of the time.

Posted by: TK at January 17, 2008 3:31 PM

Well, everything that I could have said about the VeggieTales has been said already.

Except when a friend of mine played the original "We're the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything" song for me many moons ago (eight years maybe) I just about peed my pants. It was downright Pythonesque. The Veggies will forever be cool in my book.

Posted by: Alabamapink at January 17, 2008 3:35 PM

TT - Just how large a roll are you working with over there? I have never, ever found myself faced with uneven plies (is that correct?), no matter the situation or level of desperation.

I may have to watch this movie after all. "On Top of Old Smokey" was one of my favorite songs as a kid. And now it's in my head.

Posted by: Kolby at January 17, 2008 3:39 PM

I nominate tt_'s previous post as Post Of The Week! I'm still giggling. Alas, I disagree. Over-the-top always: 1. It's easier to grab. 2. It's the name of a Stallone mid-eighties gem. 3. Don't piss off Martha Stewart.

PLY!!!

Posted by: bev rage at January 17, 2008 4:17 PM

Julie... I appreciate that, although mine would be The Bangkok Suckers.

Posted by: mick at January 17, 2008 4:32 PM

you know where one of the plys separates from the other ply? And they never ever ever match up again? Ever? So you have...like, ONE PLY that is longer than the other ply EVERY TIME you rip off a piece of TP? Who can live like that?

Or you could, like my father, insist upon buying only one-ply tp, because anything more is egregiously wasteful. True story.

Anyway, Kolby, I'm with you. Over the top. Otherwise you have to fish around between the roll and the wall.

Sarina, when my little sister was 8 she decided to learn how to play the piano. She learned the first 12 bars of "Pomp and Circumstance," and played them over and over every afternoon for months. Having suffered through that, I consider my karmic debt paid in advance, for pretty much anything I could possibly do.

Posted by: alanna at January 17, 2008 4:35 PM

You people make me laugh. So do Veggie Tales.

I discovered Veggie Tales at church camp. That's right. Church camper right here. Eventually got promoted to church camp counselor so I could spread the joy of VeggieTales to my small wards. They loved it and it gave me time to make out with my boyfriend. Man, miss those church camp days.

Toilet paper should ALWAYS be pulled from the bottom. It just makes logical sense. Especially if you have a cat-it's harder for them to unroll the ENTIRE ROLL that way. Yes-I have a cat and I went to church camp. Probably explains why I spend so much time online.

Posted by: Sarah at January 17, 2008 4:40 PM

No interest in the movie itself, but I do love the original song. When I played softball, one year my team was the Pirates, and it was our theme song. We sang it at practice and at games and our coach hated it, which made it even better. Good times.

I think most Pajibans could manage to get worked up over whether toilet paper should come up over the top or be pulled from the bottom.
Ths is absolutely something to get worked up over. A roommate always, ALWAYS does it backwards. It should be over the top, damn it, and she always puts it on the other way and nothing I do can get her to see the error of her ways and repent and DO IT RIGHT.

Posted by: Gabs at January 17, 2008 4:41 PM

Why shouldn't we just leave the TP off the roll? That negates the problem between over the top or underneath. There are some days I want to have my cake and eat it too. Without the impediment of a roll I can go overhand, underhand, left, right, slightly angled, and from the southeast if I'm up for a challenge. Let us shift our paradigm here and think outside the roll, people.

Posted by: ScarletKnight at January 17, 2008 4:43 PM

Y'know as far as the toilet paper thing goes, there's something to be said for just letting everything air-dry and flake off naturally, like our cavemen ancestors used to do.

(*knock at the door*)

Holy smokes! It's the Termater Pope, tellin' me thar ain't no such thang as cavepeoples!

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at January 17, 2008 4:48 PM

Skittimus Maximus, you nasty. "Flake off naturally" is a phrase that's going to haunt me for the rest of my days.

Posted by: tt_marie at January 17, 2008 4:51 PM

"flake off naturally"

That is just fucked up.

This site is descending into madness.

Posted by: TK at January 17, 2008 4:59 PM

I was too old by the time Veggietales came out to actually enjoy them, but I know a ton of people who have younger siblings and know all about them. They sing the songs, know all the characters, and all I can think is it's kind of creepy. I'm a church-going folk, but something about out and out God propaganda kind of turns me off. Or makes me sick.

Posted by: kelsy at January 17, 2008 5:38 PM

ON TOP OF SPAGHETTI ALL COVERED WITH CHEESE
I LOST MY POOR MEATBALL WHEN SOMEBODY SNEEZED
IT ROLLED OFF THE TABLE AND ON TO THE FLOOR
THEN MY POOR MEEAAATBALL ROLLED OUT THE DOOR
IT ROLLED OFF THE PORCH AND UNDER A BUSH
THEN MY POOR MEEEAAATBALL WAS NOTHING BUT MUSH!

ahem thank you. thank you very much.

Posted by: Jennifer at January 17, 2008 5:50 PM

I don't care, I love Veggietales. And I love special brownies. It's win all around.

Posted by: Dingles at January 17, 2008 5:56 PM

It's comment threads like this that make me love Pajiba...

I loved VeggieTales when I was, oh, I guess 14 or something. Still have a sort of fondness for them except my fucking cousins stole our videos (yes, vidoes) because we made the mistake of 'lending' them. Bastards. I still love some of the songs, though. It's awesome when they come on shuffle on your iPod...makes my day everytime!

I am a Christian with fairly liberal attitudes who gets about as offended by hardcore christian extremism as anyone else, and I never found anything to be pissed off at in VT...although I recall thinking when I saw it that the one in the Chocolate Bunny factory may be slightly scary for small children...but the message that to eat just chocolate and nothing else is probably one my little shits of cousins should probably take to heart...the one where if you believe in God and get stuck in a furnace you won't die...eh...probably a little suspect...sometimes I'd like to try it out on them, though...

Posted by: rach at January 17, 2008 5:59 PM

Kolby, Over the top, always and ONLY!!! Don't give a "shit" about what ply.

I have been known to go to friend homes, and even businesses, and change the damn roll if it is under.

God, I need a life.

Posted by: dammitjanet at January 17, 2008 6:03 PM

The toilet paper must go over the top, it is not just the right way, but the only way. During my freshman year at college, the janitor always put the tp rolls hanging down (we had a communal bathroom). My roommate was bit on the ballsack by a spider hanging on the back of the toilet paper. And that ladies and gentlemen, is why the TP always goes over the top.

I don't really have anything to add about the Veggies.

Posted by: The Stew at January 17, 2008 6:19 PM

Only on Pajiba could a detailed, critical analysis of "Toilet Paper? Over or Under?" occur. Hee.

Posted by: Daphne at January 17, 2008 8:15 PM

Woah! What? Veggie Tales isn't good anymore? When I was like 12 to 16 I was obsessed with the VHS tapes. I'm an atheist and have been most of my life and still, I'd walk right into a Bible store and pick up a couple more tapes. I still watch them from time to time but had no idea that it has come against some downfall. That's sad.

Posted by: Kayla at January 17, 2008 9:18 PM

On Top of Spaghetti came from Veggie Tales? Seriously? Who knew! I've never seen VT, but that tune is classic!

I come for the reviews, but I stay for the free edumacation....

Posted by: MO at January 17, 2008 9:58 PM

I don't think anyone's posted a link to the original short, so here:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=XaWU1CmrJNc

And, hey! No religious undertones in sight!

Alabamapink - good call! "Pythonesque" is exactly what I always thought but could never quite nail down.

Posted by: Cody at January 17, 2008 10:05 PM

The opening number of the tv show was enough to endear me to the franchise for my entire life... the one where L the Cucumber has contorted himself into a comically oversized wraparound tuba. "Oh Where Is My Hairbrush" was an instinct classic.

Posted by: Ling at January 18, 2008 12:51 AM

A very nice man at my mother's church (ie, I would never say anything bad about him) went through a phase when he wore a red T-shirt with the Tomato's face printed on the front to church. Being slightly overweight, his physique even made the tomato round. He also played the bass, requiring him to stand at the front of the church with the piano and organ. It was really weird seeing that bright red face at the front of the conservative Southern Baptist congregation, but in the same vein it was good for a laugh.

Posted by: BLA at January 18, 2008 7:20 AM

The Stew's spider story has led me to a full-on TP conversion experience right here in the comments thread. From this day forward, my household rolls will dispense from the top.

Hallelujah!

Posted by: Gib at January 18, 2008 9:21 AM

Kayla, no. That song is way older than Veggie Tales, believe me; old enough for my mother to have sung it as a child.

Posted by: pinkcheese at January 18, 2008 10:00 AM

I am aggressively anti-Christian, and VeggieTales are awesome. I have two 5-year olds and we watch the DVDs constantly, especially the Silly Song Countdown. They are representative of everything that's good about organized religion (tolerance, 'love thy neighbour', the Golden Rule, etc) without the nasty side effects. I feel sorry for anyone who is too turned off by the mere presence of overt religiosity to give them a try.

And yes, "Pythonesque" is a very good way of describing these shows. Like Python, they're not for everyone, but to insult them without giving them an honest try is dumb.

Posted by: S.K. at January 18, 2008 10:26 AM

As an addendum to my comment above: this isn't to say that this movie itself is good, but my kids and I will definitely be seeing it. "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything" is their favourite VeggieTales song, and they can perform the entire song from memory - including all the interspersed dialogue.

"You look like Captain Crunch."
"No I don't!"
"You're making me hungry...."

Posted by: S.K. at January 18, 2008 10:31 AM

I was surprised to see that this movie got a review. Incidentally, I actually took my son to see this in the theatre--not because we're their religious target audience, but because I've enjoyed Vegetales in the past (some of those "silly songs" are so fucking hilarious!).

I didn't realize that there was new studio involvement in this, and I guess that may answer my question after viewing it: "What the hell happened?!" This movie had none of the witty banter that the original works usually have, and the only songs were a far cry from their typical fare. Inexplicably, they didn't even incorporate the "Pirates Who Don't Do Anything" song.

Most troubling to me (more so than the horribly disappointing script), was the troubling sexist and racist interplay that this movie included. Granted, Vegetales has come close to being offensive before, with using clearly Jewish/Mexican/Black characters and attributing stereotypical behavior to them, but I don't remember seeing anything as blatant as certain scenes in this movie.

Specifically:
1. The Mexican character's attributed fault is that he's sleepy and too lazy to be a hero. At one point, they actually animate him falling asleep propped up against the mop in his hands.
3. Of course the damsel in distress is a helpless woman. But apparently, she does know how to use a sword. However, her attendent constantly discourages her from taking any action, instead imploring her to wait for her masculine heroes to save her.
2. The old white-haired Jewish character, who typically plays as a grandpa, is in this case a father. Although there's never much reference to the wife, and when he returns after their little adventure, they kind of ignore the point that he had just disappeared from his wife/kids for days with no word. The passive wife doesn't question it.

Okay, maybe #'s 2 and 3 are kind of weak arguments, and they certainly aren't original to this movie, but on top of the senseless, boring, idiotic script, it added up to a huge frustration.

I suggest they go back to their original format for any future Vegetales endeavors, or don't bother.

Posted by: staylor at January 18, 2008 2:30 PM

I was home schooled... and it sucked. My parents did it because they hated the schools in our area, but most other people in the "Parent Support Group" were just crazy Christians. Believe me, there are things worse than this (Bible man anyone? How about Left Behind?) So I can't hate this really, because I know what else is out there.

Also, in the old episodes, there are the "Silly Songs with Larry" and I love the "water buffalo song", and "where is my hairbrush." Honestly, pretty cute.

But when I was in High School I was doing a Home school camp where VeggieTales was the theme, and several children came to me in tears the next day because their parents made them eat Bob (The tomato). Pretty damn funny.

Just saying...

Posted by: Theresa at January 18, 2008 3:25 PM

My 2-year-old loves VeggieTales, especially the Pirates who don't do anything. We'll probably go see this. He has the Jonah video and I've seen it too many times to give it an honest review (I hate it by now) but we do have Madame Blueberry and The Grapes of Wrath on VHS and they're pretty damn funny. Early VT is funny shit...their later ones get a big heavy-handed for my taste. Lyle the Kindly Viking makes me gag, along with the stupid penguins extra that came with it. Of course my kid LOVES it all.

One sore spot for me - I wish Phil would let more people do the voices. I'm an auditory kind of person - I can pick a voice out easily and hearing the same person do multiple characters drives me over the edge of sanity.

Posted by: jodeci at January 18, 2008 4:23 PM

Bravo to all you Pajiba veggie defenders! Not all BIg Idea VHS tapes are created equal, but "Pythonesque" is an accurate description of them at their best. My little brother got The Sumo of the Opera for Christmas and I almost fell off the couch I laughed so hard. A Rocky spoof set to tunes from The Mikado? Sounds crazy, but it definitely worked.

I have misgivings about this flick, though. Mawrocki and Vischer do their best snappy humour when confined to about 20 minutes. Any longer and it just gets stupid and boring, as Jonah proved. The songs are usually the cleverest bits. Any Pajiban should be able to appreciate "The Song that Goes Under the Credits."

This is the song that runs under the credits
These are the credits, so this is where it goes
Has nothing to do with the movie so we'll say
Hey! Hey! Hey hey hey hey hey hey

There once was a song, that ran under the credits
That went with the movie, but this is not that song
Has nothing to do with the movie so we'll say
Hey! Hey! Hey hey hey hey hey hey

Wouldn't it be nice if the song under the credits,
Had something to do with the movie you just saw
But that's not the case so for now we'll have to say
Hey! Hey! Hey hey hey hey hey hey

There should be a rule that the song under the credits
Remotely pertains to the movie's basic plot
That rule has not been made so for now we'll have to say
Hey! Hey! Hey hey hey hey hey hey

Posted by: Lizzie Bennet at January 18, 2008 5:47 PM

Have no intention of seeing the movie, but I loved VT when I was in college (without the special brownies, even) - "I Love My Lips" is so fucking sweet.

Posted by: Kris at January 18, 2008 11:42 PM

Awe... VeggieTales... Some of the storylines (as previously mentioned) are actually pretty cool. For example, Madame Blueberry, which is of course a version of Madame Bovary.

And then there's Silly Songs with Larry, and Bob (I had a tee shirt once that said "Hi, I'm Bob. I'm a tomato." With a great graphic of the smiling fruit himself. I always thought the little Junior broccoli sprout was the cutest.

Although, meanwhile, some of the songs will get stuck in your head like a sonofabitch. Like...

God is bigger than the--
Boogie Man--
He's bigger than Godzilla
Or the monsters on T.V.

Oh!
God is bigger than the--
Boogie Man--
And he's watching out for you and me!

Aaand now I'm off to youtube.

Posted by: Scarlett at January 19, 2008 11:11 PM