Pajiba

titter!

Couldn't have said it better.

Couldn't have put it better myself.

You'll go all soft in a fake review, but you won't give us the snark this so richly deserves? What is this site coming to?

Don't you relish the snark? The bitchy? The idea that this could be worse than the other wet farts splattered across movie screens during Pajiba's tenure is staggering.

Maybe it's the inclusion of Paul Rudd that broke you?

More surprising than clicking the link and finding a blank space: That you actually watched this "thing."

This beats the review for "Zoom," which I believe was the shortest to date, by three words to take the record.

Seriously great review. I assume that you're saving up the snark for the latest starring vehicle for Alba's Ass?

Could not have said it better myself.
Nice.

I wonder what the record will be for most times hitting "refresh" before getting it. I think I'm currently first with 5. Stupid DSL.

This sounds like a bad '80s mysteromedy, e.g., Her Alibi.

Awesome. Supremely awesome.

Hehe...I admit I hit refresh 3 times before it dawned on me.

So say we all.

I dunno, now the only thing I have to go on is Paul Rudd's adorable face.

I refreshed once before scrolling down. This review is pretty much what my brain does when the ads for this movie come on. zzzz.....

You know when you're reading comics or similar comedic medium, and someone says something so monumentally stupid that there's no way to effectively react to it in a way that does justice to its stupidity, and so the other person just goes "..." ? That's what this review makes me think of - one giant DOT DOT DOT.

I admit that I refreshed the page once before realizing that Dustin has finally reached his breaking point. Someone else really needs to start reviewing these shitty "romantic comedies."

Also, Paul Rudd is so on my list.

Dustin,

Your stark, vivid white canvas is so metaphorical and in complete concert with the tone and content of this truly indescribable, mind-expanding film.

It requires intense concentration of this not-so-subtle allegory on your part to fully understand the shades of insight a work such as this requires.

I'm sure this film is way too multi-dimensional to incorporate a more apt description from your fertile, complex imagination to the Pajiba masses, and I applaud you for accurately reflecting, and recognizing, our own limitations of mortal understanding to possibly comprehend the myriad layers and insights that would surely go straight over our collective heads.

Genius, thy name is Dustin.

This review is a fucking gyp. I want my goddamn money back. What a crock of shit.

What with the how she got served up to the last dance (or whatever clever, clever name you used)review and now this, I'm beginning to get a little bit bitchy, and not just a tad scathing myself. Yes, we all think you're extremely witty and clever, DR. There, now that you've been bigged-up, how about a review? Even a scathing, bitchy one?

The Paul Rudd picture has been replaced with Eva Longoria. Please tell me this is because you were mistaken, and Paul Rudd is actually not in this movie.

I refreshed once. I can't say I am surprised. This movie looks eminently missable.

(clearing throat...)

WWWHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYY??!!

(sob...)

Mr. Rudd? Never. Do. This. Again.

I didn't realize Paul Rudd had such a huge gambling problem.

Well done, Dustin. Not since your excellent review of Zoom (I know it was more than that one sentence, but it was still brilliant) have I believed in the "less is more" concept.
I just hope you're still sane and not in a drunken rage after seeing Paul Rudd shame himself this way, not to mention any more than 20 minutes of Eva Longoria.

Perfect.

Paul? Stephen? WTF?

See...I was actually really excited about this movie when I heard the title and saw who was in it because I thought there would be some graphic death sequence involving Eva Longoria and a street sweeper, or maybe some farm equipment. And then Paul Rudd would have to come to grips with her loss and he exercises that immutable sense of loss by fucking her rotting corpse. And maybe he starts to like it. And maybe the postumous relationship goes on a little longer than expected. And she begins to stink so there's this awkward sequence of scenes with him trying to mask the scent of rotted Longoria. But at the same time he discovers that rotten flesh becomes week. And in finding that out he figures he no longer needs to lubricate any of her orafi(?) (orafices? oraficeese? oraficeses?) if he just starts carving holes in random spots on her body. It would be like American Pie, except instead of a pie, he'd be on the countertop fucking Eva Longoria's festering abdomen. Then, when someone discovers him, they try to counsel him and say "Hey man...you should prolly think about burying her." To which Paul would reply..."Over her dead body!" The end. Up opening credits.

Cute. But now you don't ever get to do that again...

Pissboy - how much do you need to make that movie? I have plenty of banks in my city I can knock off to fund this...because that...was...brilliant!

. . . ...

DR -- you know, shrooms would have made it bearable. But honestly, I don't know how you sat thru it. It looks like the biggest pile of stinking shit.

PissBoy...eeeewwwww. Necrophilia is bad, mmm'kay? You can get arrested: http://www.wikitruth.info/index.php?title=Uncensored:Laura_Tennessen (by the way, just a heads up, this story is reeeaaaallly disturbing - I read it in the Chicago Sun-Times in 2006 and still remembered it).

Oh, don't get me wrong. As much as I loved both reviews....done too much and it'll get tedious. I completely agree about that. But I think the shock of seeing it done on these two movies in two different ways was more than enough to carry it over this time. However, I agree with you and other posters....you can't use this again.

I actually do go to imdb...but try to avoid too many of the debates. People are stupidly scary (or is that scarily stupid?) over there, and it's usually best just to browse around, see what the general consensus is, and then duck out the back.

To say that I am disappointed just can't sum up how I feel about this movie. I really thought that Eva Longoria could break out achieve the super stardom she richly deserves. Her genius left Mr. Rowles in such a state of shock that he had an epiphany. One that could not be told in words but in the brilliant masterpiece that is the blank canvas of such a wonderful piece of art. Now if you'll excuse, I have to go sell this wonderful statue in NYC. It's so full of liberty!

I say that we do a comment diversion over the weekend to distract us from such future classics as The Eye and Hannah Montant/whatever tour. Maybe something like your favorite shows of all time, the one scene in a movie or show that changed your life or way of thinking, or maybe just what's the best topping to put on popcorn when watching movies?

How about a comment diversion on comment diversions (i.e., ideas for the next diversion)? Mine:

1) Which of PissBoy's comments has been the grossest?

2) Top 5 coolest jobs and why

3) Most disappointing movies (ones you actually looked forward to, and then let you down)

...took me a minute...GREAT REVIEW!

tl;dr

scathing. AND. bitchy.

i want to know who the idiot was that decided that eva longoria could be a leading lady. were they SOO blown away by her craptacular work in the sentinel? or was it 2 minute cameo in the heartbreak kid?

Alabamapink, I have to say I had a little moment of joy when I saw Stephen Root show up onscreen in "No Country". And I will agree with you, that almost makes up for this dreck.

And PissBoy, great story but please don't sully my perfectly dirty enough mental images of Paul Rudd with any kind of Eva Longoria, dead or alive. Eew. I will have to look back fondly on his days as a Cuban drug dealer in "Reno, 911" (seriously, the only good thing about that movie, I swear).

I thought at first you did in all white text.

I don't blame you, this looked really really bad.

Please bring back the snark next time.

damn, you had me there for a second. I was about to refresh the page again when I started reading the comments.

My God. You poor thing. Please tell me someone else has to watch The Eye (remake). I worry about other reviewers' well-being considering how many times my head hurts leaving films I thought I wanted to see (Cloverfield anyone?).

Nolite te bastardes carborundorum, Dustin. Nolite te bastardes carborundorum.

Ya...we didn't really need a review of this movie. We've all seen it before anyway.

Beautifully put.

Oh Pissboy, you made me laugh 'til my side ached. Now I need to lie down because ouch.

I thought your review dragged on a bit, but otherwise, great review. I'll look for this come Oscar season next year!

Whoa! Ease up on the self-righteousness there, "Capt Crackpot" (oh the irony!).

"It is their right to express those opinions however they see fit."

Isn't that what the comments are also for?

Of course, it's just my/your/his opinion...

pissboy, you stole the show!! patriots by 21 or 31?

@boogs

I fail to see the irony of which you speak, perhaps you could clarify.

I also said "If you don't agree with the review or don't like the form it takes, that is, of course, your right."

My objection was not and is not to anyone expressing their opinion. My only objection was with people telling Dustin, or any of the other reviewers, how to do their job. I thought I made that clear when I said "However, just because you don't like it does not give you the right to dictate how the reviewer may do his job." I see that as being different than expressing an opinion.

Opinion: "I don't think that is a very good review."

Not an opinion: "Don't do that."

I hope this clarifies things for you.

You couldn't bring yourself to watch this, could you?

This is one for the Hall of Fame. Oh, Alex, what's the drinking rule for this?

Oh my god, I just realized that I've been thinking it was Captain Crockpot the whole time!

*sigh* Okay, Crackpot (the irony, BTW, comes from the crackpot-ish content of your first posting). If your objection is people "telling" reviewers how to do their job (and I don't think anyone here has the power to "tell" anyone to do anything and further, I'm pretty sure we're all aware of this fact), do you not find it equally objectionable, and, not a little ironic (there's that word again) when a commenter takes it upon him/herself to get on a soapbox (for I feel that's what you were doing, as opposed to just expressing an opinion) and "tell" fellow posters what they should/shouldn't do?

Anyway, lest this turns into an unproductive back and forth, I've said my last on the subject.

What recent memory? Have you already forgotten Skank Cancer-gate?

Aha, many thanks, Loob--obviously missed that conversation. And Kolby, glad it's not just me!

Must have been awfully hungry when I read my first CptCrckpot post...heehee

@boogs

I don't know that I would go so far as to say that the ideas in my post were foolish or harebrained, but if that is your opinion of them, so be it, you are entitled to your opinion.

My intention was not to tell anyone else what to do. As I said in my opening line, I did not agree with people saying "Don't do that again". The rest of my diatribe was meant to explain why I did not agree with people doing that. In retrospect, however, I admit that I was a bit too strident in expressing my view upon the matter, and I can see where it could have been misinterpreted. For that I apologize.

*sigh* I don't feel like reading, could someone put up a quick summary of this review?

Haha! Best review I've ever read on here!

TajMc,
I was just going over posted comments I missed earlier, and you're as late on this thread as I am on most Pajiba reviews.
But damn if your Eva Longoria description didn't make me wanna holla back at ya, even this late in the game.
My Dad salivates over this chick ('Housewives' is the ONLY primetime show he watches aside from sports), and I feel as minutely interested as you do in this tiny, (though not awesomely)pretty lil' starlet who managed to get a great job on a middling show where she just happens to get some of the best, bitchiest lines to spout amongst the rest..
Short paragraph you wrote, but that really summed her up nicely for me, thank you.

I definitely just refreshed my screen like five times thinking there was something wrong. That's 10 seconds I'll never get back.

"Aha, many thanks, Loob--obviously missed that conversation. And Kolby, glad it's not just me!
Must have been awfully hungry when I read my first CptCrckpot post...heehee
Posted by: MO at February 2, 2008 12:58 PM"

Sorry if my answer came out weird, I didn't mean to focus on the previous conversation. Obviously we can't read every single thread, every moment. I was just amused by the fact that we had both wondered the exact same thing about that nickname. :)

124th!

If this is what you come up for this stinker, I can't wait for the Hottie/Nottie review!!

He's gonna change it now because we are obsessed with it. ;D
Don't do it, CptCptiVatng!

I can't believe only one person copped onto it. Here it is:

We broke Dustin. We've only ourselves to blame.

And now this. Well it's clear he didn't see the movie. He just couldn't. And that's OK.

I've a feeling he'll be a prime player in the 2008 Pajiba blood letting experience...

Huh? Who's Captain Cuptivatong? :-P

Ah. Eloquent in its brevity.

Ugh.

(That's my review of the movie, having never seen it, not of the review. You can borrow it anytime.)

I'm sorry, but am I the only one who can't stand looking at Eva Longoria's face? It angers me in a way I can't understand, some sort of weird thing that triggers the annoyance center in my brain.

That being said, Dustin, I agree.