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Orgasm, Inc Review: Unraveling Female Sexual Dysfunction

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Film Reviews | Comments (123)



orgasmface.jpg

Fellas: If you can’t bring your lady to fruition, there’s three very simple reasons for this: 1) You’re not attractive to her; 2) You’re an asshole; or 3) She’s exhausted and stressed out because you didn’t make her dinner.

Female sexual dysfunction is an invention of drug companies; so posits Elizabeth Canner’s documentary, Orgasm Inc. After the billion dollar success of Viagra, pharmaceutical companies basically invented this disorder so that they could come up with another billion dollar drug to treat it. Basically, female sexual dysfunction is the new restless leg syndrome. Drug companies want women to believe that, if they can’t have an orgasm every time they have intercourse, then there must be something wrong with them. And if there’s something wrong with them, then surely there must be a drug to treat it.

It’s bullshit.

The bigger reality here is that women don’t always go to their happy place every time. The reasons are almost always psychological or contextual, and very rarely biological. If a woman doesn’t give you an O-face, it could be that you’re doing it wrong. Seventy percent of women, so says the documentary, need direct clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm. A lot of guys don’t know how to provide that. A lot of women don’t know how to help their partners provide it, either. (Here’s a map, guys. Study it.) Or it could be that she doesn’t want to be doing it at all, or at least not with you. Or it could be, simply, that she’s fucking exhausted: She’s got a full time job, she comes home to take care of the kids, and does three times more house work, on average, than the man in the relationship. That’s not exactly conducive to a flying unicorn.

And yet, the drug manufacturers would prefer for you to believe that the reasons are biological: You’re not pumping enough blood to your sweet spot or you need a low dose of testosterone to get yourself off. Interestingly, pharmaceutical companies did a study many years ago that concluded that 43 percent of women suffer from sexual dysfunction. That statistic came from asking women ten questions like “have you failed to achieve orgasm in the last several months” or “have you had a problem lubricating in the last several months,” and if the female answered in the affirmative to any one of those questions, then she was put into the female sexual dysfunction category. It’s ridiculous, of course, like asking a dude if he forgot one or more times in the last several months to ogle some woman’s ass. Surely, at least 43 percent of men were, at least on one occasion, too engrossed in a football game to notice.

So, drug companies invented a market for this drug by convincing women that they weren’t normal. However, in the decade since, they haven’t actually been able to bring a drug to market. Why? Because there’s not a drug that makes a woman’s husband or boyfriend more attractive, a better lover, or attentive enough to erase some of the daily stress many women endure. Moreover, the few drugs that have made it as far as clinical trials have more risks (increased rates of cancer, blood clots, aneurysm, etc.) than benefits (one more orgasm per month).

Orgasm Inc delves into all of this, and more, including vaginal cosmetic surgery, the drug manufacturer’s skeezy ways of working around rules prohibiting off-brand labeling, and other medical procedures doctors will convince women to have under the auspices of an increased rate of orgasm.

The most instructive and enlightening moment of the documentary, perhaps, was this: During the drug testing phase, one drug manufacturer split women who claimed to suffer from female sexual dysfunction into two groups. One group was given a pill to treat their disorder. The other group was given a placebo. Each group of women flicked their beans while watching erotic films. Guess what? Both groups of women achieved orgasm at an equal and much higher rate, with or without the pill.

The lesson here? Watch more porn.

Orgasm, Inc. opens in select cities today. This review was originally published after the Boston Independent Film Festival.









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Comments

I will definitely be renting this doc. This issue hits so close to my...um, heart. But in all seriousness--and despite a ton of media attention to female sexual activity--there is still SO MUCH misinformation out there about the female orgasm. It's mindblowing.

Yes: I meant that both ways.

Posted by: boo at April 26, 2010 2:11 PM

Thanks for the diagram of the pregnant woman's vagina, brought to you (of course) by the male-sounding "ADAM."

You forgot two more things that women universally agree helps bring them to orgasm: Thick dicks and large bank accounts.

Posted by: Kballs at April 26, 2010 2:15 PM

I have never heard of female sexual dysfunction or any drug created to cure it.

There are three likely reasons for this: (1) I am not a woman, (2) I am a sexual dynamo, and (3) I don't watch whatever TV programming or read whatever magazines where these are advertised.

Is this faux condition and these fake drugs such an epidemic that there needed to be an entire documentary made about it?

Posted by: Forbiddendonut at April 26, 2010 2:16 PM

There are entire documentaries dedicated to things that don't affect a majority of the planet.

So I think the answer there, ForbiddenD is, "um, yes."

Posted by: boo at April 26, 2010 2:20 PM

You know what else keeps me from achieving "the flying unicorn"? The term "flicking the bean". Ugh...it's gross and painful sounding, to tell you the truth.

Posted by: Whorish Mouth at April 26, 2010 2:27 PM

"women don’t always go to there happy"
change to "their."

"to engrossed in a football game to notice"
change to "too."

This article is good, but these were distracting.

Posted by: lawnjart at April 26, 2010 2:30 PM

Well, I had no idea there was a drug for this, but I am certainly aware of women being made to feel like they're "not right" if they're not having an orgasm every time they have sex. Most pharmaceuticals operate essentially the same way: "There's something WRONG with you! but don't worry, we've got a drug for that. Now give us your money!"

This is why people should take the time to study their bodies and pay attention to what's going on with them. When you do, you know if something's "wrong" or if that's just the way you are.

So, probably, I'll like this.

Posted by: Anna von Beaversmack at April 26, 2010 2:32 PM

Because there’s not a drug that makes a woman’s husband or boyfriend more attractive, a better lover, or attentive enough to erase some of the daily stress many women endure.

No, but there's wine. And you don't need a prescription.

Posted by: courtney at April 26, 2010 2:33 PM

"Flying Unicorn" is my new favorite everything.

KBalls, I heart you and all, but fug off. That was just wrong.

Does the documentary mention, ever, the effects of hormonal birth control? I know, from personal experience as well as several testimonies of friends, that many of them can completely deaden the desire. And ladies, you know there are few things worse than trying to push through when the juices aren't flowing.

Egads, that imagery...

Anyhoohoo, that's why I dropped the pill and got back in the saddle. I would rather Hubby and I have the baby people keep nagging me about then give up on the the Flying Unicorn.

(It does mention that birth control pills can often contribute to orgasm infrequency. -- DR

Posted by: Patty O'Green at April 26, 2010 2:34 PM

"A lot of guys don’t know how to provide that."

God that line is so fucking pathetic.

I am not a world champion lover, nor is my swinging cod measured in the double digits (note; my Iron Man is of a very good size, however, I'm not getting into that. More info @Pajibacon).

But I'm pretty good, and I seriously get off on a woman herself getting off. The real problem is guys who just suck in the sack. I don't know about you ladies, but I love all kinds of sex; adventuresome sex, the cutesy giggle-laden kind of sex, the occasional quickie, the I just cooked you a banging breakfast let's get this done on the kitchen table sex. Even if my performance isn't up to standards, I've always assumed it's my job to give you a pleasurable experience.

I'm pretty interested in this doc actually, but I wonder if before we go blaming the drug company, should we be pointing our fingers at all the little boys who don't know how to handle themselves in the bedroom/living room/outside by the pool/whatever your fantasy honey I'm game?

So let's go beautiful Paji-babes, enlighten the male audience members.

Posted by: D-Day at April 26, 2010 2:36 PM

Vaginal cosmetic surgery? Why? Is there a dude alive who has gotten a girl's pants off and turned her down based on the shape of her labia? You know how happy some of us would be to get some vag? I'm speaking for a friend, of course. But it has been a while and while he might be a little out of practice, I think his enthusiasm would more than make up for it.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at April 26, 2010 2:37 PM

Yes, @ WM. "Flicking"?! There should be no flicking! BAH!

Posted by: Anna von Beaversmack at April 26, 2010 2:39 PM

Did they at least mention that some women have never had an orgasm whatever they do?

A lot of guys don’t know how to provide that.

Which doesn't excuse how rigoddamndiculous that is. I didn't believe it could really be true, like how I didn't think guys really did shticky, sleazy pickup moves in bars (no one's that tacky, are they?), until my friend told me what had happened right before I arrived, and before I actually read and heard professions of clitoral/vulvar ignorance.

Oy.

Posted by: Jay at April 26, 2010 2:39 PM

I'll definitely be watching this, more out of curiosity as to which drug companies are developing these drugs so I can vent my spleen. These days I have a lot of hate for Big Pharma.

Also, I call bullshit on not being able to lubricate qualifying as sexual dysfunction. Some women are naturally dry in ALL mucus membranes, not just in the lady tunnel.

Posted by: stardust at April 26, 2010 2:39 PM

So, it's all our fault.

Posted by: admin at April 26, 2010 2:39 PM

Well put, D-Day. I just want to make them happy, too. There's a short story in DFW's Brief Interviews with Hideous Men and it completely calls our type out.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at April 26, 2010 2:40 PM

D-Day,

Ok, so here's the thing: A woman has to first know how to pleasure herself. There is this huge myth that it is completely the man's responsibility to get a woman off. Now, of course, there are certain techniques that lead to a better sexual experience, but damn: I feel for you boys if this is what you really believe. I'll be the first to apologize to any man that has been the victim of a woman's inability to have an orgasm.

If I'm not reaching that certain place during sex, I take the opportunity to do any of the following:

a. change positions
b. speed up or slow down
c. flick my bean (apologies, WhorishMouf)
d. break out a sex toy
e. lead the man to my downtown garden
f. experiment

In short, ladies: take some freaking responsibility. I guarantee that if you do, the man will respond in kind. In fact, every time I start masturbating during intercourse, things get really hot, really fast.

So yeah. There's my rant. Sex isn't that hard, people.

Practice practice practice.

Hugs!
boo

Posted by: boo at April 26, 2010 2:46 PM

When I read things like this I want to call my Mama and thank her for educating me about sex in spite of my protestations. Especially for giving me reading material, since she knew I would read any damn thing. I literally read the dictionary as a kid. Where was I going with this? Oh, yeah. Thanking Mama for being sneaky. I won't call her though, because that will lead to oversharing.

Posted by: (Not so) Blonde Savant at April 26, 2010 2:53 PM


courtney

"Because there’s not a drug that makes a woman’s husband or boyfriend more attractive, a better lover, or attentive enough to erase some of the daily stress many women endure.

No, but there's wine. And you don't need a prescription."

amen.

Posted by: ksweets at April 26, 2010 2:55 PM

Hugs!
boo

Hugs? After that rant I feel we've moved beyond hugs. We should by you dinner.

Posted by: greer at April 26, 2010 2:55 PM

See, here's part of the problem: Women are not encouraged to explore their own bodies, either, and work out what makes them tick, and discuss it with their partners, because it's "dirty" or "unladylike" or some other such bullshit. And honestly, I don't think men are encouraged to discuss either. I think there's probably plenty of blame to be spread all around.

So, how's about if we all stop blaming, start exploring, and start telling our partner what we want out of sex? Sometimes I don't necessarily need to have an orgasm, I just want the closeness. Sometimes it's just not going to happen, due to tiredness or stress or various times of the month, and that's ok. And sometimes, I wanna come so hard my eyeballs pop out (ew, probably not really. But hard). If I know my own body, I can guide someone else to help me out there. And the more other people's bodies you get to learn, the easier time you'll have with different people.

Crap. Is it warm in here?

Posted by: Anna von Beaversmack at April 26, 2010 2:56 PM

Yeah, it kind of is. There's a lot of women out there who get told that it's *their* problem if they don't have orgasms of earthquake proportions every time they have sex -- because if they did, they'd obviously want to have sex a lot more often and keep their husbands/boyfriends happy. It ruins relationships and it ruins self-esteem, and so women keep trotting off to the doctor to find out what's wrong with them, that they're not cougars or Samanthas wanting to fuck all the time.

I think in general women don't go from zero to drooling and panting as fast as men do, no matter how many claim to be hitting the bunk after a mention of any given hot movie star. We're less visual, and it takes a little more brain-work to get there. But if you take your cues from popular media, normal women are portrayed as ready and willing any time of the day or night.

The world would survive without a documentary about it, sure, as I have no doubt this will not be raking in Avatar-scale dollars. But if it gets couples talking about what is and isn't working with their sex lives and debunks so much of the crap information that's out there, it's fine with me.

Posted by: Wednesday at April 26, 2010 2:56 PM

There's certainly something to be said for being direct when it comes to discussing sex. I don't about the rest of men, but I prefer when a woman can come to me and voice what she wants.

Most problems/preferences can be overcome just by talking, and I think most couples just haven't moved past the akwardness of bringing this up. Like, for example, the girls who like things a bit on the rough side. Most guys just aren't going to go for it and start slapping ass and pulling hair. We're too afraid of being on the other end of it IN JAIL.

P.S. you're so right Boo

Posted by: D-Day at April 26, 2010 2:59 PM

Sidenote to my above rant:

Just because it is a woman's responsibility to identify what she wants and communicate that to her partner, that in no way negates the fact that if you are having partner sex, then what the other person does or doesn't do has no effect on an orgasmic outcome.

Or outcum, if you're nasty.

Fun discussion!

Posted by: boo at April 26, 2010 3:04 PM

Thank you, Boo, for again proving that you are teh awesome.

Why is it that, when a man and his good lady-wife are sitting naked in their matching outdoor Roman tubs and the little soldier won't salute the flag, it's incumbent on him go find a pill? Nobody ever blames the woman. Maybe she's a dead lay. Maybe she has gotten fat or lazy or disinterested. Maybe she should be more open to exploring that situation with woman from her yoga class and . . . I'm getting off-track.

The point is, this shit is a two-way street. Don't complain that he can't get to the destination if you can't give good directions. Get in there with both feet, figuratively speaking, and figure out what makes you shout bama-lama.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at April 26, 2010 3:04 PM

Oh, boo, I was reading and posting and not refreshing. Here's to what I was *trying* to say, only a bit more eloquent (and a bit more sexy).

Posted by: Anna von Beaversmack at April 26, 2010 3:06 PM

D-Day,

I read that last part as "Enlargen the male audience' members"

I've got to read a little closer next time.

Posted by: logar at April 26, 2010 3:08 PM

My friends wife put it perfectly one night when she said "if I want an orgasm,I'll have one."
Her hot, younger sister was the same. The kindest words ever uttered to me came from her precious mouth. "I'm not really in the mood but I'll sort you out." It was a rare thing when she was not in the mood and my respect for the French is immeasurable. Sexually dysfunctional women are women who don't (in my experience and I would imagine for the most part) know much about themselves. I just wish that I would stop getting hammered at the bar and picking up the kind sexual deviants that bring out a cold chill in even the most perverted of my friends.

Posted by: bob at April 26, 2010 3:10 PM

I love this thread.

I have actually thought about how to broach teaching a class at my church, starting a dialogue with women of all ages about why masturbation will make them better women.

Think about it: if you understand your own body, you will be better prepared (physically and emotionally) to teach your partner how to work it. This will create a stronger bond, which will help you be a better wife. That level of intimacy gives you more confidence and self-awareness, which makes you a better friend, employee, mother, sister, whatever. And while I this group has dwindled in size significantly, there are still women out there who believe their pleasure isn't important.

I've said it before, and Lord help me, I will say it for as long as I'm able: God wants you to have cell-shaking orgasms. He does. Know how I know? The clitoris has only one function, and that is transmitting sexual stimulus. That is its only job. Men do not have this gift; all of their naughty bits are dual functional.

Didn't mean to go all churchy on ya back there, but this is an issue I am very passionate about.

Posted by: Patty O'Green at April 26, 2010 3:13 PM

Personally, never had problems with having problems while on the pill. No hormones can dry my pajiba!
As for orgasms in general - communication, knowing your partner - what makes him/her tick and some wine/weed.
I'm pretty sure that this thread will have all the Pajibites up and running in the comment section. Well, at least up.

Posted by: astounded at April 26, 2010 3:15 PM

Get in there with both feet, figuratively speaking

::shudder::

Posted by: Patty O'Green at April 26, 2010 3:16 PM

Here's part of the problem: the myth of prevalence of the vaginal-only orgasm has made dudes think that if they were really, really, really good in bed, the woman would come. This makes women treat the whole issues with kid gloves. I had a guy who was lovely and enlightened, but got his feelings hurt b/c I needed, ahem, more self-help through the process. Fortunately, I had the confidence to tell him to get over it. It's a lot easier said than done to take control in some situations.

Posted by: samantha t at April 26, 2010 3:28 PM

How is it possible that my love for Boo just grew? (RHYMING!)

Communication is important in sex, obviously. If you don't let your partner know what feels good, what you'd like him to do, how to touch you, blah blah blah, then it's going to be difficult to orgasm. If you don't know how to get yourself off, then that's another obstacle to the Big O. And sometimes the logistics of the female anatomy are just not conducive to orgasms through intercourse-at least not without some added stimulation.

I don't reach the Glorious Moment of Sexual Peakiness and Ponyriding from sex alone. I need added...help. And I either provide it for myself, or my boyfriend does. Or he gets me off beforehand. Or after. Or both. Either way, there's nothing wrong with my body for not being able to come so easily in that way. We take care of each other's needs, we get off on discussing what we like and what has worked and what we'd like to try next (best foreplay ever), we enjoy each other, and have a shitload of fun doing it. That's good sex.

Posted by: Julie at April 26, 2010 3:28 PM

"Glorious Moment of Sexual Peakiness and Ponyriding"? Oh, Julie...THAT is awesome.

Posted by: meaux at April 26, 2010 3:29 PM

I think, as stated above, the blame really does spread around a lot. There are guys who don't know and/or don't give a shit about how to please a woman, and some of that blame goes to popular media and culture for telling them that's not only okay but is how they SHOULD feel. It perpetuates the stereotype of guys who only want a pussy, any pussy, and they don't really care what's going on in there or who it's attached to or what to really do once inside it.

And then girls, on the other hand, are generally taught to not even LOOK at their bodies, much less know what all the parts are named or how they work - and that's still several steps away from actually being comfortable with touching yourself and letting go of the "OMG this is dirty and unladylike" mentality that girls are constantly either flat-out given or simply super-sheltered from any opposing viewpoint on long enough to GET anywhere.

So in an ideal happy world, both men and women will be comfortable saying "I like this and this and I hate this and I'm really not comfortable doing this at all" and providing feedback if something's not working for them, but most people are either not taught to do that or, worse, actively discouraged from doing so. I remember fiddling around with "the bean" (dramatic music here) as a little kid, not knowing what it was or what it was for, just that it felt pretty good, and being ambushed and super-shamed by my grandma, who told me to stop that because it was dirty and horrible and wrong and never do that again.

After that incident I was really afraid to even look into what that bit on me was and why it felt good, and there was no way I was going to ask my mom, because I assumed she'd have the same reaction as my granny. It took a long time for me to get comfortable with myself again, but I totally did, because orgasms rule. I... overcame... my social conditioning. -_- (Sorry. Sorry. I know. Bad. BAD.)

On the downside, ever since I went on birth control, my libido has shot way way way way way down, but that just means we both have to try harder to get me there. And that's a lot of fun.

Sorry grandma.

Posted by: Nat Kittyface at April 26, 2010 3:30 PM

Like others have said, there is no substitute to good communication between partners. Each has the responsibility to notice how the other is feeling and, if they are not achieving the desired result, find out what can be done differently. It's not rocket surgery. It's sex. Something people have been doing successfully for thousands of years.

That said, I think that a lot of us in Western Society are made to feel that sex is slightly dirty and anything other than plain ol' missionary, woman-on-top, or doggie-style is for people who are perverts. If we could get rid of that mindset, I bet there would be a lot more orgasms to go around.

Posted by: stardust at April 26, 2010 3:33 PM

If you don't like "flicking the bean", how about "rocking the girl in the pink canoe"????

Anyone?

Posted by: Janey at April 26, 2010 3:34 PM

Men do not have this gift; all of their naughty bits are dual functional.

I know the two functions you're speaking of, Patty and I think you are sorely underestimating the talents of the male member. Examples:

- A towel rack
- A comedic prop
- sword fight
- A Musical Instrument
- A lever for the prying of things
- kickstand
- macho Nachos
- puppet
- bottle opener
- pipe cleaner
- depth guage
- catapult


Really, I could go on and on.


Posted by: admin at April 26, 2010 3:37 PM

Side note that pisses me off; women who are "uncomfortable with their bodies" around the guy THEY ARE DATING.

Look, I know the world is full of things that are purposely out there to knock down your self-esteem. But when I'm actively in a relationship with a girl, the worst friggin attitude in the world is that she can't feel attractive around me.

There is no sexual high for a guy that compares to a girl who comes on to him (well, maybe two girls, but for some reason I only get invited to the 3-ways with another male/female couple! wtf!). Baby girl, if I'm putting an emotional investment into being with you, you better believe that I want to have some crazy off the wall sex with you. As much as women did confidence, a lot of girls (I think) forget that guys did confidence JUST as much.

If you, as a woman, can stand in the doorway wearing just the right amount of next-to-nothing, and motion with your finger that it's GO TIME, and that dumbass does not come running like Usain Bolt, get a new man.

Posted by: D-Day at April 26, 2010 3:38 PM

Wow, you're such a....giver.

Posted by: Jay at April 26, 2010 3:47 PM

To be fair, I should have said multi-functional. But holy canoli, admin, bottle opener? Impressive...

And dare I ask, but what the holy hell are macho Nachos?

Posted by: Patty O'Green at April 26, 2010 3:47 PM

Why is it that, when a man and his good lady-wife are sitting naked in their matching outdoor Roman tubs and the little soldier won't salute the flag, it's incumbent on him go find a pill? Nobody ever blames the woman.

They don't? I can point you to quite a few ladies who would tell you otherwise, having been totally blamed for ED. And they would tell you stories of those men who go out and have affairs (because it's the wife's fault they can't get it up) and they end up taking their little blue pills with them.

There's enough blame to go around for everyone.

Posted by: Wednesday at April 26, 2010 3:51 PM

Janey, the little man in the canoe always makes me giggle.

I agree that flicking the bean sounds...hurty.

Posted by: Julie at April 26, 2010 3:51 PM

Yeah macho Nachos needs some clarification.

Unless they're a new Doritos "Late Night" flavor laced with Spanish Fly and pheromones.

Posted by: D-Day at April 26, 2010 3:53 PM

It's totally not what you think, Patty.
http://www.pajiba.com/comment_diversions/panty-removers.php

Posted by: Skitz at October 22, 2008 3:34 PM

Enjoy.

Posted by: admin at April 26, 2010 3:54 PM

I've never had an orgasm with a partner and I think it stems from the fact that I expect my partner to do all the work for me. Ok... horrible, I know. I just realized this fact after I talked with a male friend about orgasms a few months ago. What he told me made so much sense, I should have smacked myself years ago. He said: "Guys don't know everything. During sex, if you continue moaning and don't say anything, we assume you're having a good time."

The thing is, it's hard to articulate what you want during sex when you're trying not to be rude... it's hard not to laugh sometimes when they're poking inside you and it's hitting the wrong kind of buttons.

Anyways, this topic made me depressed and horny at the same time.

Posted by: tallulahc at April 26, 2010 3:58 PM

I not bragging but I didn’t know some women couldn’t orgasm.

Posted by: Pookie at April 26, 2010 4:01 PM

I'm not bragging but I didn't know some women couldn't orgasm.

Posted by: Pookie at April 26, 2010 4:02 PM

POOR SKITZ!!! Merciful mons...

Although, it would explain some things about his burning sensation...

Posted by: Patty O'Green at April 26, 2010 4:03 PM

If there are as many people who are as bad at sex as there are people who are bad at driving, it's a wonder anyone gets off.

It kinda takes two to create the female orgasm during intercourse; if one of the pair is incompetent or just doesn't give a shit, there's the problem right there, for most people, seems to me.

I would not recommend watching more porn. Seriously, if porn was the answer, nobody in America would be getting anything done, there'd be so much orgasming going on right now. Porn is literally a click away (if you've got access to a computer). So porn isn't helping. And in some ways, I think it may be harming.

Posted by: Slash at April 26, 2010 4:05 PM

Man, I forgot about the Macho Nachos. Heh... good times.

Posted by: Slash at April 26, 2010 4:09 PM

There are some very good insights here, I really agree with Boo et al that a woman needs to be in tune with her own body to make it happen. Women are very much more inside of their own minds and once you learn how to control your own orgasms, it is amazing what you can accomplish. One time I was about to head off for a romantic weekend with my man and I just used my imagination to get there, no touching whatsoever.

It is a sad reality that a lot of women don't have the desire for sex due to being dissapointed in their man and his lack of particpation in chores and the like. I used to be that way when I was married, he was a huge asshole though. When I was single, I learned how to have an orgasm all by myself and since then I have now learned that it is not good to not have sex when you are irritated with your man, since then you are also depriving yourself and that will never do.

I know that it is more complicated that all of that, but I think that women need to get out there and have more fun, enjoy one of the few pleasures in life that is FREE!!!

Posted by: Alli at April 26, 2010 4:12 PM

tallulahc, have you tried subtly encouraging your partner to do something different? You can move his hand or his head in the right spot, or say something like "That feels so good, could you also do so and so or try it less or more hard or fast or whatever makes you crazy." My guy loves it when I tell him what I want, it's a turn on for him and it just benefits me. The vagina is such a foreign place, if I were a guy I'd hate to literally dive in there blindly and hope I was getting the girl off. :) Especially since what works for one woman doesn't work for another.

Posted by: Julie at April 26, 2010 4:12 PM

Julie, would mind saying that again, but . . . slower?

If not flicking the bean, how about:

Dialing 'O' on the little pink telephone
Jiggling the handle
Jilling off
Spanking your puppy on the nose
Spearing the bearded clam
Tiptoeing through the two lips
Doing the two-finger tango
Unclogging the drain
Twinkling the little star
And more!

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at April 26, 2010 4:15 PM

Cardinal rule in sexual communication: if you can't talk about it, you shouldn't be doing it.

Granted, I'm a dirty bitch and have zero to no boundaries, but still... if two people are uncomfortable discussing what gets them off, they have no business taking anything off.

And we DON'T always need to orgasm. I've got things to do, laundry to clean, kids to pick up after. If Mr. Man is ramrod stiff, I'm happy to bend over and take it in effective quickie fashion, so long as he's to the point and isn't expecting my full attention. The man mows the lawn, it's the least I can do.

Posted by: courtney at April 26, 2010 4:16 PM

Admin, how can you put that list together and not mention hammer? After all "Can you hammer a six-inch spike through a board with your penis?" is the gold standard as far as 80's movies are concerned.


Posted by: Mrcreosote at April 26, 2010 4:18 PM

I know Dane Cook can walk into a crocodile pit in a meat suit, but I've always been partial to referring to ladies' solo time as

scratching it like a DJ

Posted by: D-Day at April 26, 2010 4:31 PM

Mrcreosote, I was merely mentioning things that may not necessarily be common knowledge.

Posted by: admin at April 26, 2010 4:34 PM

Mrcreosote: Also, "the hammer is my penis." That line alone can pretty much cause a female orgasm without fail.

So my school has a ridiculously well-attended Female Orgasm Seminar every year during which we discuss things like "Why can't some women come during sex?" (not sure, but sucks for them) and "Why don't some women like to be naked around their significant others?" (Well, D-Day, I see the issue as women being uncomfortable being naked, period, and chalk the reason up to them not spending enough time dancing in the shower).

Anyway, what it boils down to each year is that the female orgasm is a big gray cloud of mystery. We don't even know if the g-spot exists, doesn't exist, or maybe exists on some women. My take on the situation is that learning to orgasm properly is a process, and that it involves a lot of experimentation, some study, several awkward conversations, and possibly a cucumber.

Posted by: esme at April 26, 2010 4:36 PM

You know I have been lurking here for ages today because this is one of those times where I had really better say absolutely nothing. The problem is that I am going out on a date later and I am afraid that I am going to randomly say something about sparkly unicorns, flicking beans, masturbating in church,cock hammers,cucumbers or some other random Pajiban sex tip. Fuck you all. I want a Disclaimer.

Posted by: peanut at April 26, 2010 4:46 PM

I think Cockhammer is a Norwegian death metal band. Or at least it should be.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at April 26, 2010 4:48 PM

Worst sex I ever had was with the best endowed man I was ever with. I can not tell you how disappointing he was. He was grabby, in a hurry, and in no way interested in foreplay or my enjoyment. It is a dry, demeaning memory. Trying to tell him what I wanted just seemed to irritate him and make me feel bad for explaining. I felt like punching him afterwards. In retrospect I probably should have. He was lazy, mean and selfish.

It has been my experience that men that watch porn and think it depicts female sexuality are getting grossly misinformed. Enduring physically punishing acts, getting spit on instead of turned on, (what is wrong with enough foreplay to allow for natural lubrication, or even just using some kind of safe lubricant?), or having someone cum in your face, that stuff is so demeaning and unpleasant, let alone not sexy. And for some reason it is really common in porn. Jesus but men hate us if they think this is what sex really is.

Also, I agree with the sentiment that flicking the bean sounds like the exact opposite of sexy.

On the positive side, I agree with women being encouraged to own their sexuality. Experimentation with yourself should get you comfortable to experimentation with your partner, and everyone benefits from that. With two exceptions I can think of, everyone I've been with has been open to hearing about and eagerly engaging in what I've asked for sexually. The other two were selfish people in general, hindsight is 20/20. Nothing is better than being with someone who is just respectful of what I do and don't want. I try to repay the favor.

Posted by: Viking at April 26, 2010 5:11 PM

I agree that porn grossly misrepresents female sexuality and what actually feels pleasurable to women. Sorry, but I don't have screaming orgasms after five minutes of jack-hammerin' doggy style and no foreplay.

Posted by: Dingles at April 26, 2010 5:23 PM

peanut, your date may go really well if you do mention some of this stuff.

Posted by: Viking at April 26, 2010 5:27 PM

Thanks Viking, but I doubt it somehow. She's a psychology student who thinks Katherine Heigl is just the "best actress in the whole world eva", not to mention the fact that she is a twitard. I'm going to be the one popping the Rohypnol and hitting the Jack and cokes hard. You want to know what a female sexual dysfunction is?
Its a cock tease.

Posted by: peanut at April 26, 2010 5:39 PM

Baby girl, if I'm putting an emotional investment into being with you...

I'm sorry I almost just spit out my coffee. D Day do you have a twenty-ish brother? "Emotionally invested" guys don't exist in college land.

Thank god for that girl in the pink canoe....

Posted by: grace b at April 26, 2010 5:51 PM

So it's not just me who thinks porn is a shitty-ass way to figure out sex. Honestly, looking through the ladies underwear section of the Sears catalogue would be more helpful. Or, I guess, a Victoria's Secret catalogue, if you don't want to be reminded of your grandma.

For fuck's sake, don't watch porn and think that's the way to do it. That's like watching "Armageddon" to learn about rockets or asteroids.

Posted by: Slash at April 26, 2010 6:02 PM

""Emotionally invested" guys don't exist in college land."

Sucks for you!

I'm not an overly emotional wussy kinda guy, but I've got a kid sister and a real deep-seeded hatred of guys who treat girls like crap. I'm fairly incapable of treating a girl badly, makes me feel like such a bag of shit.

And that isn't a holier-than-thou attitude, it's just the way I'm wired. I'm sure there's plenty of guys like ME, they just don't look as good. HAR HAR EGO-TASTIC!


Also didn't know I came off as an old guy. Last time I checked, born in '85!

Posted by: D-Day at April 26, 2010 6:24 PM

Porn Fucking Rocks!!!!
If you are that impressionable then all hope for you is lost!!!
If you believed everything that went on in the Land of Porn then you deserve the sheer horror of discovering that not every ball sack and beaver is nicely waxed and every ass crack bleached. That the terms Axe Wound, Turkey Giblets,Wrinkly Old Todger and Furry Dingleberries were never directed at Porn Stars, but at the general public. Porn is lots of things and just like the movies it ain't got shit on the Real World you'd have to be a Muppet of serious stature top believe otherwise. As for the Sears catalogue, now that brings back mamaries.

Posted by: bob at April 26, 2010 6:28 PM

Tracer, your choice of euphemisms makes me concerned for your wife's vagina. Almost all of those sound painful.
esme, the g-spot is not a myth, although the idea that all women can get off from stimulating it probably is. It's a little spot on the front that gets engorged when you're turned on, so it goes from flat to a little quarter sized bump. Maybe it's harder to find for some women than others, and maybe some women don't have one at all, but I can tell you it's very real for some of us. I don't know why the hell there haven't been any studies that proved it's existence - probably because all the ones done so far rely on surveys rather than actual examinations of women.

It always irritates me when media outlets act like orgasms are the same for all women. We need to acknowledge that female anatomy is really diverse and women don't all get the same physical sensations from sex.

Posted by: dr. pisaster at April 26, 2010 6:33 PM

I'm sorry I almost just spit out my coffee. D Day do you have a twenty-ish brother?
You know, D-Day, you've always been just like a brother to me. Don't forget that my 21st birthday is coming up. You know how upset I'd be. I get so emotionally invested in everything.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at April 26, 2010 6:50 PM

@Optimus

Oooooooooh somebody's turning 21!! Don't make me track you down as we get emotionally invested in a case of Sparks, enough Jaeger to drown all of Pharaoh's army thrice over, and dirty strippers who are gonna love taking advantage of you on this most holiest of days!

Just make sure you have medical insurance so we can pump out all the alcohol and body glitter, otherwise you're getting the shopping-cart drop off.

Posted by: D-Day at April 26, 2010 7:00 PM

dr. pisaster -- when you say "on the front" do you mean kinda outside? Because that's the clitoris. The g-spot is said to be about half an inch inside the vagina in the front, as in toward the front. So if a woman sticks her own finger in her vagina to about the middle knuckle and beckons, she should find it. I think it exists, but it is definitely a point of contention in the academic world. There's a current theory (I have no idea how substantiated) that it is a piece of what is essentially prostate tissue that just kinda hangs out in some women.

Godtopus, I sound like a Women and Gender Studies person, don't I? I promise that I'm not normally this obnoxious. Normally I study government and am only bitchily know-it-all-ish when it comes to maps and/or grammar.

Posted by: esme at April 26, 2010 7:01 PM

peanut, you should date someone you actually like. Someone smarter and more fun. Like maybe grace b. She seems like a nice oh my god i'm turning into my matchmaking mother.

Posted by: Viking at April 26, 2010 7:03 PM

Flying Unicorn:
A sexual position that produces almost no pleasure for either of the two participants. A male must insert his testicles (both are mandatory) into the females anal cavity while she is on all fours. Thusly his erect penis will protrude from her cheeks creating the unicorns horn. The man can then spread his arms, or "wings" outwards placing the finishing touches on the flying unicorn.

I think, that is the problem... or one of them. and whoever invented the tongue as a sexual organ... kudos..

Posted by: Nico at April 26, 2010 7:05 PM

"you're getting the shopping-cart drop off"

HA! That seriously made my day. Yeah, I know, not in the spirit of this sexy, sexy thread, but it made me laugh.

Posted by: MM at April 26, 2010 7:10 PM

I'm sure dr. pisaster knows what she's talking about.

(for the record, there's definitely something to it, but, of course, that doesn't mean it's universal. but then...almost nothing's universal with these kinds of things)

Posted by: Jay at April 26, 2010 7:14 PM

peanut, honey, no... I'm with Viking. Get yourself some grace b and stop grocery shopping at 7-11. It's convenient and easy, but you always end up overpaying for milk that spoils faster.

Posted by: courtney at April 26, 2010 7:18 PM

Jesus, I'm feeling like The Doctor--long-lived wisdom and experience, but alone again.

Thanks, Rowles!!

Posted by: Jay at April 26, 2010 7:23 PM

Hahaha. Yes, esme, I know the difference between the clit and g-spot. As it happens, the g-spot (according to wikipedia anyway) can be anywhere from 1-3 inches in (I'd say mine's about 3, since my fingers just reach it). I'm hyper-sensitive in about all areas, so it's very possible that mine's much easier to detect than many women's but it's very very real.

Posted by: dr. pisaster at April 26, 2010 7:36 PM

also, a quarter-sized clit would be...abnormal, I think (no offense to anyone who has one).

Posted by: dr. pisaster at April 26, 2010 7:39 PM

grace b,

Don't believe all the hype that we don't exist. I've been in college land this whole time (and am actually college-aged, to boot). One among the issues is that y'all don't know about us, oftentimes willingly. We're your "friends." The ones who had a long distance girlfriend when we all got to school but then we're free for years and what the hell why won't you notice us?

Just me?

Whatever, I'm covered now. The point is you don't need D-Day's hypothetical younger brother. We're definitely more rare than the douche population, but that doesn't mean that we are not legion.

Posted by: coryo at April 26, 2010 8:09 PM

"The point is you don't need D-Day's hypothetical younger brother"

No no no no, you're missing the point.

There is no younger brother because I AM younger. This guy = 24. However, coryo, you are involuntarily inducted as a member of the D-Day-ites!

Sounds like someone stuttering at the bad guys from Evil Dead...Klaatu...barada...

Posted by: D-Day at April 26, 2010 8:20 PM

No, I gathered that D-Day. But, now that I so clearly am one, can I know what exactly a D-Day-ite is? And why I was chosen to be forced into such an esteemed position?

Posted by: coryo at April 26, 2010 8:25 PM

I'm sorry I almost just spit out my coffee. D Day do you have a twenty-ish brother?
You know, D-Day, you've always been just like a brother to me. Don't forget that my 21st birthday is coming up. You know how upset I'd be. I get so emotionally invested in everything.

Pfft, Optimus, do you really want a girl that spits?

Posted by: shamedintheshadows at April 26, 2010 9:03 PM

D-Day, I will always love "DJ Diddles" for playing the lady fiddle.

You guys make me proud to own a B.O.B. Hmm, maybe I ought to go visit him now...

Posted by: Patty O'Green at April 26, 2010 9:06 PM

And I hear you, Viking. Until I got married, the best sex I ever had was with a man who happened to be relatively small. Boy got things done, let me tell you. Men thinking size matters (aka chicks like thick dicks) is another sad side effect of too much porn.

Posted by: Patty O'Green at April 26, 2010 9:09 PM

I don't know if scratching sounds any better than flicking. They're both quite deleterious actions, aren't they? Jeez, try a little tenderness.

Posted by: Jay at April 26, 2010 9:20 PM

The D-Day-ites are dedicated to the following;

Me!

Self-effacing ethnic jokes.

Occasionally saying the completely wrong thing, because let's face it, the home-run hitters strike out 200 times a year.

Proving that Wentworth Miller is merely the periods when Charming Potato is weened off his 'roids!

Hunter S. Thompson, John Stewart, Tim Cahill, Bruce Campbell, and the periods of art following the major movements (think Mannerism).

Peanut M&M's with Pot Cigarettes and Black Tea for breakfast. Bring your own Jazz.

The Church of St. John Coltrane. (even my Jewish side succumbs to its' cool)

That comic books are art, except for those shitty Superman ones.

Pancakes. Bring your own special recipe.

Blazers from Goodwill. Because you can look like a thousand bucks for $7.50!

...but most of all...

An artistic love of the ladies, complete with our own brand of emotional investment, a direct approach to the mutual pursuit of great sex even if she likes the rough stuff, staunch refusal to take her to shitty movies unless massively wasted, and due diligence to the girl in the pink canoe so that no one leaves without their fortune cookies.

I hereby involuntarily elect Optimus Rhyme as well, right after we release him from being handcuffed naked in an elevator overnight on his 21st b-day!

D-Day-ites!

Posted by: D-Day at April 26, 2010 9:38 PM

Jon Stewart

Posted by: Jay at April 26, 2010 9:40 PM

/forehead slap

Posted by: D-Day at April 26, 2010 9:44 PM

I guess I can be on board with most of those things.

Posted by: coryo at April 26, 2010 9:59 PM

Jon Stewart
D-Day was just observing his own ritual of saying things wrong.
And I don't even have to change to do all the aforementioned things. That's my life. Are we going to get matching t-shirts?

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at April 26, 2010 10:55 PM

Capes...we get capes...

/stares into the distance

Posted by: D-Day at April 26, 2010 11:02 PM

lurker for years....BEST THREAD EVER.

Posted by: di at April 26, 2010 11:19 PM

Guys, whilst I believe that capes will definitely get us noticed by the ladies (and everyone else), I don't know if it will get us appreciated, so to speak. Unless they have cowls. Cowls are a must.

Mysterious.

Posted by: coryo at April 26, 2010 11:38 PM

and whoever invented the tongue as a sexual organ... kudos..

Posted by: Nico at April 26, 2010 7:05 PM
---
Indeed, guys, strength is not just in the muscles of the arm. I can lift a 130-pound woman a foot off a mattress using only my tongue. I named it Schwarzenegger.

Posted by: , at April 27, 2010 12:01 AM

If we're wearing cowls then I have to suggest some kind of "dude-tility" belt.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at April 27, 2010 12:17 AM

@ D-Day-ites
Codpieces. Don't forget the Codpieces and Molest O' Bear.

Posted by: bob at April 27, 2010 6:47 AM

Optimus Rhyme I read that as "dude-tity" belt.. and I thought.. tits on the belt.. sure, every man's (read crime lord's) weakness is tits.. no why not have spare ones to use..

yours makes much more sense.

Posted by: Nico at April 27, 2010 1:06 PM

That's a really hot picture. I didn't finish the article, and I probably never will, but I keep coming back to it because that's a really hot picture.

Posted by: Lucas at April 28, 2010 12:31 PM

Interesting review. But restless leg syndrome is a real thing.

Posted by: cinderkeys at May 3, 2010 4:18 AM

I sell sex toys for a living ( Yes I love my job!) and It breaks my heart at how ignorant women are about their own bodies when it comes to sex. Touch yourself ladies, early and often! Find out what you like, and for God sakes men it's called foreplay. You have to preheat the oven before you bake cookies!

Posted by: whatsherface at May 4, 2010 1:04 AM

This is the sexiest thread ever and it's killing me. My lady and I had a very very good time last night. One of those sessions that you discover a few new things that work REALLY well for both of you and that turn you on just thinking about trying it again. Unfortunately I'm at work and when I get home we have the grandkids over all night. Damn all of you crazy sexy people.

Posted by: Paultera at February 11, 2011 1:05 PM

Sorry if this has already been mentioned in the comments above, but another problem is that many MANY women fake orgasms. This is not helpful for anyone, because the man walks away thinking he's dynamo every damn time and never actually has a chance to improve. And then when he sleeps with a woman who doesn't like to fake orgasms (me), he tells her there's something wrong with her because he's never had any complaints (not that I was complaining).

The result is that those of us who don't orgasm every time will begin to get stage fright. Pretty soon sex starts to create anxiety, and it's pretty much impossible to orgasm when you're anxious and feeling like you're the only girl in the world who can't writhe in ecstasy every time she has sex.

My advice for BOTH parties is to be patient with each other, to never judge the other's skills, to understand that every body is different and you can't expect someone new to find your hidden treasure without first drawing them a map.

Posted by: lucy at February 11, 2011 1:09 PM

So what? I'm not supposed to bend her over the washing machine and rail her abusively for thirty glorious seconds? Right. Next you'll tell me I'm not supposed to ask her to call up her sister after I'm finished either.

Amatuers.

Posted by: superasente at February 11, 2011 2:13 PM

4) 52 and postmenopausal.

Posted by: , at February 11, 2011 2:28 PM

In my opinion if a guy can’t get his wife or girlfriend off well then he’s just lazy.

Posted by: Pookie at February 11, 2011 2:34 PM

It’s a foreign concept to me to be with a woman and not get her off. I mean really guys, how does it feel when you can’t the woman you’re with off?

Posted by: Pookie at February 11, 2011 3:00 PM

flick the bean = no
tickle the kitten = yes, please

For all the "women have to know their own bodies" comments above (which I don't disagree with), there's a lot of shame associated with female sexuality. Especially in teens. Yet another manifestation of the virgin/whore dichotomy - little girls and experimenting teenagers are scorned for figuring shit out, but consenting women are expected to "know themselves" well enough to have that mind-blowing sex Cosmo advertises.

Think about all the sitcom episodes dedicated to a young boy discovering masturbation. He's locked himself in the bathroom, the house is completely out of hand lotion and tissues. Now think of all the representation of masturbating girls on basic cable. Kind of sends that first message that men are insatiable sex fiends and women are... uninvolved or uninterested in the process.

So while I agree that a women should take responsibility for her own orgasms (and that includes finding a partner interested in satisfying her), I also never want to overlook the social forces that are working against her.

Posted by: abby-wan kenobi at February 11, 2011 3:42 PM

It’s a foreign concept to me to be with a woman and not get her off. I mean really guys, how does it feel when you can’t the woman you’re with off?
How does it feel when you find out she's been faking it?

Posted by: beanflicker at February 11, 2011 4:02 PM

"See, here's part of the problem: Women are not encouraged to explore their own bodies, either, and work out what makes them tick, and discuss it with their partners, because it's "dirty" or "unladylike""

in some other universe that hasn't been hollering about women's sexuality at every turn for the last 30 years.

and dustin, way to go for finding a way to diss men every paragraph or so while purporting to discuss the pharmaceutical industry. is it a self-loathing fetish or does it get you laid more?

Posted by: idleprimate at February 11, 2011 6:08 PM

I've never been with a women who didn't climax. And if some of them lied about it, well, that's their problem, isn't it?

Posted by: Mac Macadamia at February 11, 2011 6:31 PM

It’s a foreign concept to me to be with a woman and not get her off. I mean really guys, how does it feel when you can’t the woman you’re with off?

How does it feel when you find out she's been faking it?

Posted by: beanflicker at February 11, 2011 4:02 PM


Because beanflicker, once I put my tongue on a woman’s backside she’s going to ride my face like she’s trying to win the Kentucky Derby.

Posted by: Pookie at February 11, 2011 6:40 PM

Am I the only one who laughed out loud at Nico's description of The Flying Unicorn?

Posted by: Lake at February 12, 2011 11:18 AM

I love you, Dustin.

Posted by: Carly at February 12, 2011 1:03 PM

You have to preheat the oven before you bake cookies!

Posted by: whatsherface at May 4, 2010 1:04 AM

Well, I used to be a microwave oven, but for years now I've tried to be more like an Amana stove.

Posted by: Uriah Creep at February 12, 2011 11:13 PM

I'm starting to feel a little like my pigtails are being pulled.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at February 13, 2011 12:38 AM

One word has changed my sexual history for the better: vibrators. Thank goodness my husband is open-minded about that kind of thing b/c the combination of cock & vibrator at the same time gets me every time (usually 2 or 3 times actually). Get a vibrator, convince your partner it's friend, not foe, and get busy.

Posted by: Cabbage at February 13, 2011 8:49 AM

So glad this thread has been resurrected for theatrical release. It's so sad to hear about ladies who don't engage in enough self-exploration to make the big "O" happen for them.

I will say Big Pharma itself can be the problem in the first place. I've been taking antidepressants since late 2002 and also started taking the pill for PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) around the same time. Talk about a one-two punch to my libido and abilities for natural lubrication! Before my diagnosis with PCOS, I had a huge sex drive due to excess androgens rolling through my system. Between the pill trying to "normalize" my female hormones and then the antidepressants making it more difficult for the physical arousal process to work, it's a miracle I get happy time in the sack at all. The irony in all this: the first antidepressant I tried actually is known for its Viagra-like effects, but it left me unable to climax at all for the two-month period I tried the damn thing.

I will agree with the virtures of wine as a tool for assisting with female arousal. Unfortunately, if I plan on taking wine to help in the sex department, then I have to skip my antidepressant for the occasion or risk some nasty health problems (seizures or worse). The significant other does not want me off the meds too frequently for obvious reasons, so this basically means I don't have an easy time with sex very often.

All this said, I refuse to take another drug to address physical arousal issues when I know Big Pharma has helped create my problems in that department in the first place. People should just give olive oil a try the next time they get on the kitchen table before getting another prescription.

Posted by: LibraryChick at February 13, 2011 10:45 AM

This thread embiggens my soul.

I think I'm one of the few women who don't care for foreplay much. It's nice and all, but a vaginal orgasm is much more satisfying.

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