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Meet the Spartans / Phillip Stephens

Film Reviews | January 25, 2008 | Comments (73)

If I could retroactively participate in our second annual (Sh)it List, I would, because Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer (a pseudonym) belong on it. This debauched pair of fuck-knuckles have somehow taken the laziest genre of comedy and become the Beavis and Butthead of it, having co-directed, co-produced, and co-written a host of films that aren’t worth their weight in liquid feces: Date Movie, Epic Movie, and now Meet the Spartans. Needless to say, I hope both of them die from some form of nutsack-cancer.

Listen up, guys: the spoof-film is a dead concept in the Information Age. Technology and the internet have reduced pop-consciousness by marginal degrees; the first parodies of 300 appeared before the film was even in wide release, and what wasn’t mocked in that time was mocked later by skit comedy or YouTube jesters. By now, we’ve all had enough. But even if that wasn’t the problem, Meet the Spartans is not a surfeit of jokes, just one 80-minute gay joke threaded together by references to movies no one remembers and even fewer care about. But even these references have no inherent purpose; Friedberg and Seltzer just think they’re funny because they exist. Anyone remember that “new” Rocky movie? Yeah, see? That’s intrinsically funny.

At no point in Meet the Spartans did I laugh. I didn’t even smile. Plenty of my friends and several whiny commenters have informed me that I’m more pretentious than I should be, but I can assure you I’ll still laugh at a fart or burp if it’s proffered. The fact that Seltzer and Friedberg can’t even exploit an immature sense of humor should speak volumes to their abilities. Yes, I think some poop-jokes can be funny. Yes, I am aware that Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton inhabit the known universe. Yes, I think the movie 300, the glut of American reality-shows like “America’s Next Top Model” et al., and many video games are silly. But somehow combining these things is not a joke; it barely qualifies as a fucking thought.

Parody films are meant to call attention to the inherent ridiculousness of many genre tropes, to make light of conventions we’ve somehow come to accept as normal facets of the film-going experience. Or, failing that, they’re supposed to make us laugh. Meet the Spartans does neither. Imagine the way you feel when the office maladroit recites his favorite racist joke to you in the bathroom and you can get a comparative idea of what it was like watching Seltzer and Friedberg try to make a coherent comedy. It isn’t funny, instead filling you with pity and disgust, and everyone involved is somehow diminished by the experience.


Phillip Stephens is the lead critic and book editor for Pajiba. He lives in Fayetteville, AR, and hopes to forget this film with a gallon of Early Times.


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Comments

I had no expectations for this film and this review pretty much cemented in my mind once and for all that parody, satire and spoof are pretty much dead art forms in hollywood.

I guess I'll just have to live out the rest of my days watching Airplane over and over again. And, I think I'm alright with that.

Posted by: citizen_cris at January 25, 2008 6:19 PM

Damn, I was expecting much worse than that. I saw Date Movie, and had to have surgery afterwards to replace the eyes I clawed out of my, and everyone around me, skull. I wouldn't even dignify Epic Movie by acknowledging it existed, but somehow this one seemed to piss me off more...maybe it was the sheer weight of trailers and ads that have been crammed down my throat for the past two weeks. I whole-heartedly agree - Seltzer and Friedberg (those names beg to be made fun of somehow) need to be strung up by their sacks, forced to watch all three movies on endless loops for several millenia, and then just dropped off a cliff somewhere without another thought. Just the idea of the movie gives me cancer.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at January 25, 2008 6:21 PM

Oh, and Carmen Electra and Kevin Sorbo? Look in the mirror...that's what professional prostitution looks like.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at January 25, 2008 6:24 PM

I heard two of my eighth-graders talking after class yesterday about how funny this movie looked and all I could do was shake my head forlornly, eyes to the floor. If this is the future...

Posted by: Mattfactor at January 25, 2008 6:24 PM

I don't think there has been even a slightly funny parody movie since Scary Movie 1 or 2. Which is pretty sad when you think about.

Posted by: Daisy at January 25, 2008 6:29 PM

Apt review title. Why come up with something clever and witty if the filmmakers themselves won't do it? The trailers for this "movie" exhaust me. I don't even know why I've gone on this long about it. Who am I? What am I doing with my life?

Posted by: sansho1 at January 25, 2008 6:37 PM

Well, Dustin got stuck with Blonde Ambition and 27 Dresses. Looks like it's your turn in the barrel, Phillip.

Sadly, I didn't even find the supposed "funniest" of the parody movies, Scary Movie, even remotely humorous. I can't even imagine how awful this must be.

Posted by: TK at January 25, 2008 6:40 PM

From the first moments of the first trailer, I knew this movie would suck. Why wouldn't it? Date Movie and Epic Movie both stunk out the joint.

I look back fondly on Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein, Airplane and Police Squad (in Color, of course) and just weep.

It's like they gave the Zuckers' unfunny children the chance to make movies.

This movie reminds me of that day over Macho Grande.

Posted by: Fredo at January 25, 2008 6:52 PM

after just rewatching the action-packed visual'splosion that is hot fuzz, just reading the review of this appallingly dreadful flick makes me cringe. simon pegg and nick frost, please put these theater-clogging shlocks of shit that pass for film to rest in a town-clearing melee of bullets, bombs, fireballs and sea mines. great review, by the way. loved "combining these things is not a joke. It barely qualifies as a fucking thought." How can you make fun of something that is a joke in and of itself?

Posted by: jbag at January 25, 2008 6:52 PM

Honestly, I am surprised we got an actual review. I was sure that the 'review' of this movie would consist of one line:
"Do I even have to tell you how bad this was?"

Props to Phillip for actually putting in some effort.

Posted by: the_wakeful at January 25, 2008 6:55 PM

Mattfactor, last year some of our part-time summer help (read: high school kids) were not only talking about how "awesome" Epic Movie was, but they were acting out scenes and quoting lines. That might be the closest I've ever come to assaulting a minor.

Posted by: Cody at January 25, 2008 7:06 PM

Over Macho Grande?

Posted by: Manbearpig at January 25, 2008 7:08 PM

Oh, sweet Jesus, I simply could not finish your review of this film after the lines, "At no point in 'Meet The Spartans' did I laugh. I didn't even smile."
It was the EXACT description I gave my friend of 'Epic Movie'. Your last paragraph was spot on-the-money and the ultimate deal-breaker: To think that studios pay millions of bucks to produce crap like this (and shame on them if they actually think it's FUNNY) makes one wonder if there isn't really a 'brain-shitter' virus out there that dumps on you while you're in the ticket line and makes one compulsively go to see a certain movie even after they've heard the very worst about it.
And so goes the viewing public, my Pajibabies.
You didn't just take a bullet for us, Phillip- damned if you didn't throw yourself on the fuckin' grenade, not just escaping with cheap pokes and obvious detrimental phrases anyone could have alluded towards it- You called it for the pathetic excuse of wasted celluloid it will inevitably become.
Some movies are just NOT 'too-bad-they're-funny' anymore: they indeed fill you with "pity and disgust" that film makers are even allowed to relase this inexcusable shit in the 21st century.
Thank you for telling it like it is, sarcasm not needed, thank you.

Posted by: TMax at January 25, 2008 7:22 PM

i was also looking for something similar to this:

http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/article/record_review/38853-shine-on

nevertheless, it was quite apt and fun to read, thanks phillip!

Posted by: vinniedelpino at January 25, 2008 7:24 PM

I'm sincerely hoping that this kills off the parody movie once and for all.

But it won't. And I hate that.

Posted by: Brooke at January 25, 2008 7:42 PM

You know, I think I'd be OK if you guys just stopped reviewing/acknowledging/doing anything to these stupid parody films. All the Date Movies/Epic Movies/whatever. I don't think they're worth the 10 bucks you guys have to pay to see them. I'd rather test the theory that if everyone stops thinking about them, see if they cease to exist.

Posted by: Patrick C at January 25, 2008 7:54 PM

Once you stop finding knock-knock jokes the epitome of hilarity, you stop being the target audience for these stupid, stupid movies.

I think I'd find more charm (and probably more effort) in watching my dog get tangled up in the dirty laundry again.

Posted by: Wednesday at January 25, 2008 7:55 PM

I wouldn't say the satire film is dead. Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the Dead qualify in my opinion and are two the of the sharpest movies in recent memory. I understand that you're referring to parody in the Loaded Weapon vein but I, for one, never liked those.

Posted by: coveredinbees at January 25, 2008 8:00 PM

Uh, to correct my above post, I obviously DID finish reading the review, as shown when I pointed out that last paragraph of Phillip's, but not before I wrote my initial comments concerning said subject and--
ok, so anyways, point made. 'Night.

Posted by: TMax at January 25, 2008 8:14 PM

I beg to differ: parody films can be done right. See: Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz.

Posted by: Ciji at January 25, 2008 8:17 PM

Over Macho Grande?

No, I don't think I'll ever get over Macho Grande.

Posted by: muchsarcasm at January 25, 2008 8:18 PM

Man, I am so sick of this movie just from the damn "Spidey: you're fired" ads. Mostly, though, my wife and I wonder how the hell a movie which looks to be made up of a series of incoherent, unrelated skits aim at anything even remotely resembling narrative cohesion. Apparently, it doesn't matter.

Now, you know this will be number one at the box office come Monday, right?

Posted by: Armando at January 25, 2008 8:34 PM

Come back, Mel Brooks, come back!

Oh, how I yearn for manly men in tights...

Posted by: MO at January 25, 2008 8:38 PM

This looked like such a piece of crap I flip the channel when the trailer even comes on. I can't begin to understand the appeal of these movies.

Posted by: Maria at January 25, 2008 8:40 PM

Thank You For Smoking

That was an awesome spoof, parody, satire what-have-you film.

Posted by: WhoWhatWhere at January 25, 2008 8:50 PM

Wow. I didn't even know what this was talking about. Good thing I haven't watched a lot of TV recently? Or, should I say: THEY MADE ANOTHER FUCKING MOVIE?

"Date Movie" is what really troubled me, in that it seemed to be a comedy that was mostly making fun of.....comedies. And yeah, that's basically "remember that thing that was funny? Yeah....that was sure funny. Gimme some credit for replaying that for you". Shameless stuff you do in a school talent show for a cheap, easy laugh of recognition. And there's some blood on my hands, so I know of what I speak. I guess that happens on YouTube nowadays too. It's hard to put that outrage into succinct words, and who do I go to with that outrage anyway? It's like when I saw Blaine Capatch's standup bit about "it takes eight seconds--put on shoes and socks!", I was stunned that someone else had been similarly troubled and worked on putting it into words. So I'm glad to see this review doing a good job of putting that bewildered sputtering into paragraph form.

I recommend watching "The Concorde: Airport '79". It's *almost* a comedy. Very hard to believe it was made with a straight face. Very hard. "Airplane!" just had to push it into the red, but it still had to do some work and have a brain. I know it was controversial, but I think "Walk Hard" was that kind of intelligent parody, and the complete opposite of the "_____ Movie"s.

But man does it bug me that this thing exists. At least I found out about it here and was able to instantly vent a little.

Posted by: Jay at January 25, 2008 9:11 PM

Vent all you want to here, Jay. You're funny as hell!
Another great post I'd have missed had I not looked one more time before bedtime.
(As Mr. Excitement shuts down his pc & shuffles off to bed)

Posted by: TMax at January 25, 2008 10:57 PM

Hollywood makes these movies because teenagers, idiots and general morons across the country will go and see it. There are a mind-numbing amount of stupid people in the general public who find this type of nonsense funny. I am aware of (not friends with, nor do I fully associate myself with) people who thought NORBIT was funny. People who PAID to see it.

These are the same people who spent their piddling college wages on Date Movie, Epic Movie and are excited to go see this pile of shit. The cherry on the top of my little diatribe here is that these people are college students. And not just any college students, UC Berkeley students.

I thought my fellow students were supposed to be dirty hippie weirdos and engineering nerds who didn't have time for movies...

(I'm speaking as a third year student who has had plenty of time to observe my collegemates)

Posted by: NotBlonde at January 25, 2008 11:02 PM

It is comforting to see that fellow Pajibites have thoughts in the same vein... all I was thinking was "I miss Mel Brooks" when I was reading this.

However, it does make me feel better that I have Hot Fuzz sitting on top of the tv waiting to get watched. Sounds like it's a waaay better alternative to going to the movies this weekend (although the mister for some reason doesn't want to see There Will Be Blood with me, after I went to No Country For Old Men with him, I say no fair).

Posted by: Anne (in Reno) at January 26, 2008 12:14 AM

I can hear it reverberating in my head once more, courtesy of many random strangers: "OMG, that movie makes fun of Britney Spears and that 300 movie, like, I have to go see it now!"

And then? And then I die inside, completely. Again.

Posted by: marty at January 26, 2008 12:21 AM

A gallon of Early Times? No, no, my friend. For having to watch this cinematic equivalent of a Wal-Mart clearance rack, you deserve much much more. First, to eliminate the possibility of even hazy memories, I suggest a weeklong bath/binge in West Virginias finest 'shine. When the PTSD has subsided to a decent level, I suggest a few bottles of Bollinger Blanc de Noirs Vieilles Vignes Francaises to ease the transistion into the sobriety and knowledge of the box office receipts for Meet The Spartans.

Posted by: IggieTC at January 26, 2008 12:25 AM

I've honestly never heard of this movie before...

Wait, is that what Kevin Sorbo's abs actually look like or is it just cgi? Because dayuuuuummm!

Um, carry on.

Posted by: Nancy at January 26, 2008 12:29 AM

How hard would it be to make a good parody about a bad parody movie? How would you even go about doing that? I'm worried that if I think about that too much I might kill off enough brain cells to make me as moronic as the people who come up with this shit.

Posted by: Dave at January 26, 2008 12:41 AM

"Mattfactor, last year some of our part-time summer help (read: high school kids) were not only talking about how "awesome" Epic Movie was, but they were acting out scenes and quoting lines. That might be the closest I've ever come to assaulting a minor."



Cody, I wholeheartedly empathize with you; being a pathetic teenager myself, my intelligence is insulted perpetually, without fail, whenever I attend school. The tastes, or lack thereof, some of my peers have is utterly disgusting.



Where the hell do they get the notion that these movies are "funny" and worth mimicking? Travesty... TRAVESTY.



My God, I'm giving myself a hernia.

Posted by: Rebecca at January 26, 2008 12:58 AM

Honestly?
Are we really making jokes about cancer?
I love this site because it's intelligent and the reviews are - for the most part - entertaining, but wishing cancer upon someone else?
Not okay.

Posted by: Jane at January 26, 2008 1:55 AM

Honestly?
Are we really making jokes about cancer?
I love this site because it's intelligent and the reviews are - for the most part - entertaining, but wishing cancer upon someone else?
Not okay.

Posted by: Jane at January 26, 2008 1:56 AM

Honestly?
Are we really making jokes about cancer?
I love this site because it's intelligent and the reviews are, for the most part, entertaining, but wishing cancer upon someone else?
Not okay.

Posted by: Jane at January 26, 2008 1:56 AM

Jane: You don't pay for the enjoyment of reading the reviews on this site, nor do you employ the writers. Why do you feel the need to bitch about how they choose to express themselves? I find it hard to believe that you 'love this site' and yet are shocked by the JOKE about nutsack cancer. Why don't you submit your future gripes to the Customer Service department. Maybe you'll get a refund.

P.S. Triple posting? Not okay.

Posted by: peek freans at January 26, 2008 2:16 AM

Dave, I completely agree with you. A good parody about bad parodies, however, could possibly cancel one another out. Or the insanity of having good parody again would make the movie industry implode. Hollywood would be a black hole. I really want to make fun of Paris Hilton here, but I'm refraining. We've got enough of that. Let's move on.

Posted by: redheadlostinoz at January 26, 2008 2:45 AM

Must American media shut down totally just so these kinds of films stop completely from being made?

Posted by: JS at January 26, 2008 5:04 AM

*peeks in, checks for any undead assholes, then enters*

*looks at cast list*

Kevin Sorbo - Dude, couldn't you have hit up on Lawless to get you on the final season of BSG? Or Raimi to hook you up, Chin-style? I mean, you were Hercules, son! Dylan Hunt, son! Come on!

...skip, skip, skip...

Method Man? Fuck man, now I know you didn't have to do this. Wu Tang Financial ain't nothin' to fuck with!

...skip, skip, skip...

Nicole Parker...oh, damn. Why do you do this to me Nicole? WHY MUST YOU TEST MY LOVE?!?!?!!

*runs out quickly*

Posted by: Vermillion at January 26, 2008 5:50 AM

My review, as found elsewhere:

All I can hope is that this drek is an elaborate ruse designed to get cinemas full of idiots into one place so that we can gas them. If you willingly pay money for this, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Posted by: Shane at January 26, 2008 6:40 AM

After making fun of me because I recommended "Children of Men", one of my coworkers went on to say that this movie was "fucking awesome."

My faith in humanity dies a little bit every day.

Posted by: Amanda at January 26, 2008 12:51 PM

Well, at least Kevin Sorbo found some work. Unfortunately, that's probably the only good thing I can say about this movie.

Posted by: Dr. Haus at January 26, 2008 1:30 PM

This was playing in the theatre directly across the hall from There Will Be Blood last night. After leaving our theatre, I headed to the bathroom, and when I came back out, I saw Mr. Kolby reading the movie poster for this movie with a look of disgust mixed with dumbfoundednes. He then turned around and started looking at the people who were walking into the theatre to see this. He had to find out exactly who would pay good money to see it.

Posted by: Kolby at January 26, 2008 2:11 PM

I can't wait to avoid this movie!

Posted by: Odnon at January 26, 2008 2:40 PM

I had to lean in close to my laptop screen to confirm that yes, that is Kevin Sorbo up there. Dude. Hercules, what the fuck are you doing?

Also, I love 300. Saying this as a 21-year-old female. And I agree, all the shit on the internet making fun of it is probably funnier'n this movie. Once again, I am glad I don't have television and can't see trailers for this shit.

Posted by: Cuno at January 26, 2008 3:32 PM

Films like this make me long for the days when Mel Brooks was making decent films. As of right now, the only guys I can think of who are doing good parody are Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg, and I suspect that's because they're doing with a Mel Brooks sensibility, where they pay homage to the source material even as they poke fun at it.

Dreck like this, on the other hand, just inserts dick and fart jokes into pop culture references and assumes we'll all find it funny. Sigh.

Posted by: janegodzilla at January 26, 2008 9:31 PM

I just watched a Sci Fi movie where Kevin Sorbo plays an Episcopalian priest who rescues the world from a malevolent invasion of black goo, and he gets the girl too. didn't see abs like that, tho.

Posted by: nancy at January 27, 2008 12:29 AM

Saw the trailer on TV and after 15 seconds, I knew it was a POS. Thank you for confirming it (and I'm sorry you had to shell out $10 to suffer through this).

I didn't know this POS was made by the same gang as the Date Movie, Epic Movie (really--they couldn't come up with a bit more creative title? If porn flicks can, why can't these two?)--out of curiosity I looked up their box office at IMDb. According to IMDb, the first one, Date Movie (2006) cost approximately $20 mil to make, and earned $22 mil on the first weekend (DO'H!). Overall, it did about $49-50 mil in box office in US. Add to that foreign box office, DVD sales, TV rights to networks and Comedy Central.

No wonder Hollywood keeps giving money to these morons.

Posted by: True_Blue at January 27, 2008 12:38 AM

Luckilly, I have not had the misfortune to actually view the trailers for this movie. When I saw the post, I thought it was a joke. I'm seriously disturbed by the fact that a)this is really a movie, and b)millions of mindless dregs will view and like it, only leading hollywood to churn out more of this mindless drivel.

I must say, however, the entire review was well worth reading just for being introduced to the phrase "fuck-knuckle." I will be using it as often as possible. Tee hee!

Posted by: Pudenda at January 27, 2008 4:33 PM

"Meet The Spartans debuted #1 at the box office this weekend, earning $18.7 million. The film also had the highest per theater average of any film in the top ten, with $7,188 per theater."

OK, Aliens, can you come and get me now? I really don't want to live on a planet where this drek gets to be number one anywhere.

Posted by: Shane at January 27, 2008 4:42 PM

I just got home from throwing myself on this particular grenade (the kids wanted to see it, but Aunt JR didn't want to, so...)

Anyway, the movie was the LEAST objectionable part of this particular movie going experience.

The trailers left me weeping for the future of the industry.

Another Larry the fucking Cable Guy movie? For the love of God, why?

Another attempt at J-horror?

More limp crap than you could even imagine!

Is there a way for the Hollywood writers to join their brothers and sisters in the strike? Please?

Pardon me, I must indulge in heavy memory erasing now.

Posted by: UncleJR at January 27, 2008 6:43 PM

Does no one in Hollywood understand the definition of the word satire anymore?

When satire works well, it is nuanced, subtle.

With the very BEST satire, you almost--ALMOST--wonder if it IS satire or not. I was looking at a book in the store recently with all these ways of making unusual things and I swear to God I was halfway done flipping through the book before I realized it was satirical (it was the lounger made of water bottles that finally tipped me off---the chandelier made of plastic utensils SHOULD have, but there are so many stupid crafts around these days, who knows?).

THEN I had a ball going back through it and laughing.

Satire does not run you over with a cement truck. It rarely even slaps you in the face. It comes at you sideways and catches you just a tiny bit off-guard. Someone way up in the comment thread mentioned "Young Frankenstein." Like that.

There are better examples even than that one, I'm just blanking out.

But satire is not slapping together as many visual and auditory references to other movies/celebrities/TV shows/pop trends as possible and calling it a day. That's just mindless and a fucking idiot could do that.

Posted by: Kathy at January 27, 2008 8:13 PM

This trend is eventually going to turn in on itself with the production of "Parody Movie". And that day, my friends, the shit-shillers will self-implode from the effort of referencing self-references of self-references, like a repugnant hall of mirrors eternally reflecting its own pathetic image.

Although maybe I'm overestimating their intelligence by suggesting that Seltzer and Friedberg would be familiar with the highly intellectual term "Parody". Perhaps "Spoof" is a more likely candidate.

Posted by: M at January 27, 2008 8:24 PM

i just looked on yahoo and this was the number one movie of the weekened with rambo coming in at number 2 ,wow i was shocked but not surprised

Posted by: anna at January 27, 2008 9:34 PM

i just looked on yahoo and this was the number one movie of the weekened with rambo coming in at number 2 ,wow i was shocked but not surprised

Posted by: anna at January 27, 2008 9:36 PM

This film being #1 at the box office is truly a crying shame. Although, like anna, I am not surprised. Mildly annoyed is the proper term I think.

Posted by: NotBlone at January 27, 2008 11:15 PM

OK you disliked it... I am sure anyone coming to this site could have predicted that without reading this review.
Insert typical pajiba "i would rather put a fork in my eye" dry humour and you have a classic bashing of a bad film meant to rake in a few cheap dollars from its targeted audience.
I'm fine with that, that's a good formula that keeps most of us coming back to this site.

But when you say "I hope you die of some nut-sack cancer", you are no longer just bitchy and scathing, but also 'without class' and various synonyms of the sort. You're just being a hypocrite especially after trying to put down the "office maladroit" and his tasteless bathroom humour.

Posted by: aleks at January 28, 2008 3:20 AM

No, I don't think I'll ever get over Macho Grande.

Posted by: muchsarcasm at January 25, 2008 8:18
Those wounds run pretty deep...

Ahem. Again, I think I have got this.
"Imagine the way you feel when the office maladroit recites his favorite racist joke to you in the bathroom and you can get a comparative idea of what it was like watching Seltzer and Friedberg try to make a coherent comedy. It isn't funny, instead filling you with pity and disgust, and everyone involved is somehow diminished by the experience."

Okay, so this one is like the guy in my office who thinks that Larry the Cable Guy is HI-larious and constantly wants you to come into his office to listen to the cds or his doll. Yeah, fucking shoot me.

Posted by: legib at January 28, 2008 9:23 AM

Next up....Spoof Movie...where they spoof Epic Movie, Date Movie, and Meet the Spartans! It'll be hilarious! You'll laugh! We'll beat you over the head with funny stuff! We're funny! Notice us! Are we funny yet!?

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at January 28, 2008 9:34 AM

The answer, as always, is: Because 10,000 theater screens can't sit black.

Posted by: bucdaddy at January 28, 2008 10:16 AM

And what was the #1 movie at the box office this weekend?

Juno?

No.

No Country For Old Men?

Yeah right.

There Will be Blood?

As if.

Atonement?

Please.

Why it was Meet The Spartans, proving once and for all that Phillip Stevens (yeah, that name isn't TOO pretentious, is it?) is an ignorant fucknutted bigot who thinks that he and only he is the true arbiter of all that is righteous and wicked and hip and with it and cool in the universe.

Here's a clue, douchenozzle: The pop culture wave has passed you by and therefore no one gives a fuck what you think, not that your bleatings were in any way relevant before.

Posted by: trevor at January 28, 2008 12:52 PM

But Phillip, aren't you going to summarize the plot for us?

Posted by: Matt 2.0 at January 28, 2008 2:19 PM

My idea of a good spoof / satire movie is "Chicken Run." You just can't beat the combination of claymation meets "Stalag 17" meets "The Great Escape" meets chickens meets Rube Goldberg devices. Timeless.

And yet, I know lots of people who didn't get it, because they'd never seen the old WWII flicks it was spoofing.

Posted by: BWeaves at January 28, 2008 2:33 PM

Ooh, I think I'll eat my own eyeballs before seeing Meet the Spartans! YAY!

Posted by: Kamakazi Feminist at January 28, 2008 3:30 PM

Trevor, that's an excellent point. Because we all know that the quality of a product is decided ENTIRELY on the amount of money it makes, right?

Right?

I mean, Fergie and T-Pain and Britney Spears are therefore, by your logic, the BEST musical performers out there, right?

You ignorant, obnoxious, pathetic jerk. What the reviewer proves is nothing more than this is his opinion of the movie. Which is his right, since HE'S THE MOTHERFUCKING REVIEWER.

Kindly leave.

Posted by: TK at January 28, 2008 4:57 PM

You have to love Jello heads that take issue with a (very solid, by the way) critique of a film they somehow (by the dim glow of their 60-watt brain) managed to find hysterical. All protestations to the contrary, stupid is as stupid does.

Also, it would be wrong to approach someone and tell them that you hope they get cancer. Well, depends on the person, but let's pretend we're speaking in general terms. In the context of a "scathing" review on a proprietary website, it is analogous to standing in a field and yelling at the sky "I hope you all fucking die!" It's called sarcasm, it's called freedom of speech, and most importantly in the context of just having endured this pile of celluloid excrement, it's called justifiable vilification.

Posted by: denadn03 at January 28, 2008 6:06 PM

denadn03, you are my new favorite person.

Don't let it get to your head, I have a new one every few hours. So I'm flighty. Gimme a break.

Posted by: TK at January 28, 2008 6:55 PM

I give a fuck what Phillip Stevens thinks. So, you are wrong. Nasty little twerp.

Posted by: AM at January 28, 2008 6:55 PM

Stephens. Blame the fury.

Posted by: AM at January 28, 2008 6:56 PM

I've been stuck in the house quite some time. Why? Because I'm hoarding my money to save up for my wedding. But the other night I decided to get out. My friend Angel asks if I want to go see this movie. My reaction of course was, "Are you fucking retarded? That movie would make my soul bleed." Unfortunately, my only other option was National Treasure II. So I BEGRUDGINGLY agreed to see "Meet the Spartans".. because hey, maybe it would be worth my while to sit there and make fun of the train wreck of a movie I knew it would be.

The movie has been out for quite some time.. so it was showing at the dollar theater. However I still wanted my fucking $1.00 back afterwards.

I was looking every direction to find a sharp object to kill myself with. It didn't take more than 10 seconds into the movie to immediately regret my decision to get out of the house. This movie convinced me that there was some kind of epidemic going on that made people mentally retarded, and that I was spared because I've been spending the last two months having no life in my house.

Thank you for this article. It's nice to know there are survivors.

Posted by: Jen at April 8, 2008 1:55 AM

I think I have a solution for this kind of shit: abolish the PG-13 rating, or restrict it a lot. That way, 7th grade fucktards (who will just be texting on their phones or making out with their girlfriends and not even be paying attention) won't be able to get into something like this, and it will receive virtually no money.

What do you think of my plan?

Posted by: Scott at April 9, 2008 12:14 AM