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September 19, 2007 |

By Dustin Rowles | Film | September 19, 2007 |

00:45: The credits begin with the now familiar travails of the sperm as it makes its way toward the egg, reminding us in big bold white letters that the female protagonist in Look Who’s Talking is Kirstie Alley and creating doubt as to why the sperm aren’t fleeing from the egg instead of swimming toward.

01:50: Kirstie is an accountant sleeping with an older, married man, Albert - played by George Segal. And if you think that LWT was the nadir of the Oscar-nominated actor’s career, you clearly haven’t checked out his last few roles, which include parts in Bill and Mandy’s Big Boogie Adventure and My Wife is Retarded. Man, I so ain’t touching that title. Not on this site. Anyway, Segal promises to leave his wife for Kirstie. Why?! Actually, Kirstie looks kind of cute. What the hell happened? She used to have a poor-man’s Kelly LeBrock thing going on.

03:11: Wow. Beach Boys - “I Get Around”; we really are in 1989 aren’t we? Again, with the sperm - ah, Jesus: Bruce Willis makes his first appearance, as the voice one of the sperm racing toward the egg. Embarrassing. Was there a time when Willis actually had to do these films? Hmmm - he sandwiched this right between Die Hard and Die Hard II, after which he ran off to do a sequel to LWT. How great would it be if fetal Willis swung from the umbilical cord while yelling out, “Yippy Ki Yay, motherfucker!”

04:55: Woah! Woah! This was written and directed by Amy Heckerling? Oh. I mean. Wow. Damn. I guess I have always romanticized Heckerling because she directed Fast Times, European Vacation and Clueless, but considering her other projects (Night at the Roxbury, Loser), maybe I should check my adoration, especially after learning that she was once engaged to Bronson Pinchot. Yeah yeah yeah. I know. Don’t be de-dick-u-lous.

05:00: Kirstie has morning sickness; she’s vomiting in the toilet. She doesn’t even realize that’s her career she’s flushing down. Actually, strike that; I never would’ve thought it, but LWT actually predates her stint on “Cheers.” Man, the 90s all just blurs together into one big pop-culture cesspool that I’m going to call The Asthma Inhaler Decade.

06:14: The baby continues to grow inside the womb. I know everyone hates CGI animation, but be thankful, people. Very thankful. Fetal Willis probably gave quite a few ladies second thoughts about growing one of those inside their wombs.

07:31: Olympia Dukakis is Kirstie’s Mom and the best friend romantic comedy convention all rolled into one. It’s good to merge auxiliary supporting characters - cuts down on greenhouse gasses, I’m sure.

08:11: She takes a pregnancy test with some sort of vial. Wow - how archaic is Look Who’s Talking? A vial! It’s like a baby-making science kit- you pour one test tube of urine into another test tube of chemicals and voila: Newborn!

9:06: Where’s Travolta?

10:00: She decides not to have an abortion. Man, if there was ever a film that needed an abortion, it’d be Look Who’s Talking: Imagine the wacky wisecracks that Willis would deliver as he got sucked into a tube. We could call the film, Look Who’s Pro-Choice!

10:30: She’s telling people she was artificially inseminated. Mom: “This is the sort of thing a girl does if she’s ugly. Or a lesbian.” Lesbians so wouldn’t have Kirstie Alley.

12:00: Our first musical montage, and it’s the Talking Heads. Well, that’s another song on my iPod I’m going to need to destroy. Bruce is tugging at the umbilical cord and asking for apple juice (right here is where that Yippy Ki Yay line would’ve been gold!). Bruce: “Hey lookie there. I have another arm coming in down there. How am I going to get that in my mouth?” Ummmmm. Umm … ummmmm.

13:24: Wow. The 80s’ hairstyles are crazy. There’s enough Aquanet in this film to burn its own hole in the ozone. Where were you in the 80s, Al Gore? Do you know how much the 80s hairstyles are responsible for the UV rays burning our skin these days?

14:10: I am unbelievably bored. Where’s Travolta? Segal is suggesting that Kirstie run three miles a day so she doesn’t gain too much weight. I remember making that exact suggestion to Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate. And I also remember what it’s like to sleep under the car during December in upstate NY. Good times.

16:07: Who is Kirstie’s office mate? She looks like Carrot Top - steroids Carrot Top. Her name is Twink Caplan and she’s appeared in most of Heckerling’s films, though she did take time out of her busy schedule to appear in the 2005 film, The Hand Job. Man alive - she is definitely not a woman you want to think about in the same context as a hand job.

16:40: Uh oh. Uh oh. Kirstie finds Segal making time with a woman in a dressing room. “I’ve fallen in love. I’m going to live with Melissa … I know this sounds awful, but I’m going through a selfish phase right now.” Ha ha —- remember when romantic comedy break-ups were hilarious? When heartbreak doubled as comic relief! No - yeah, me neither.

16:45: Of course, the break-up precipitates labor. And, she gets in a cab. And woo-hah! The Urban Cowboy is the motherfucking driver! He’s pitching the Jersey woo. Drive that cab, Johnny. Only five more years until Pulp Fiction. And only two sequels before then!

Ugh. I can’t believe I forgot to enter the Look Who’s Talking trilogy into consideration for the best of all time. It’s better than LoTR, anyway.

20:00: Travolta is driving Kirstie to the hospital. He’s strongly suggesting she use Lamaze. Nobody uses Lamaze anymore. I know. I took a birth class!

“We gotta call your husband? I don’t have a husband! I was artificially inseminated!” “What are you, a lesbo?” Again with the lesbian jokes.

21:00: That’s quite a cab driver - he’s coming into the hospital to help her out, though she obviously detests him. The staff confuses him for the father and whisks him into the delivery room. Man, you don’t’ see that anymore - they strip search you, run you through security, and then wash you down with a hose before you’re allowed to enter the delivery room these days. And then they insert a GPS chip into your baby’s umbilical stump. No kidding — it sort of freaked me out, but at the same time, I was like: “Can we get that permanently implanted?”

21:26: Bruce is trying to get out. Kirstie just channeled the Exorcist: “Fuck my breathing,” she yells. Now she’s begging for drugs. Wow - she labors quickly. It’s been a full half hour and she’s about to deliver. She’s begging for drugs, but c’mon lady: Who needs drugs when you labor that quickly? The doc gives her Demerol and Bruce gets loopy - the fetus is having an acid trip and then he hurtles through the birth canal. Wow, it’s like the doctor reached in and jerked the kid out by the umbilical cord in one quick motion.

24:26: They clean the baby up and put him on her chest. “So, you’re the one who’s been kicking me?” she says. “Well, you’re the one who’s been eating all that spicy food.” Is there a lot of spicy food on the Jenny Craig menu?

Fun Fact: Look Who’s Talking was the fourth biggest film of 1989, grossing $140 million which is close to $300 million, adjusted for inflation - that means almost as many people saw Look Who’s Talking as Spiderman 3. Can you even fathom that?

26:00: Kirstie, to Bruce, promises to “go out there and get you the best daddy there is.” There’s a great little place around the corner from where I live - damn fine burritos, and from what I understand, the Daddy’s aren’t bad, either.

27:00: Travolta the cabbie comes over. He brings food. He’s kind of stalky, actually. Meanwhile, Bruce is an awfully big newborn. And yes, I’m not using any of their character names - I want the real people to be as closely associated with this movie a possible, thus ratcheting the shame factor, Bruce.

28:30: You can sort of see Travolta is hanging onto the last vestiges of his popularity, sort of resigning himself to the fact that he’s probably going to be making Talking sequels for the next decade. He’s running the Vinnie Barbarino shtick into the ground at this point. I dunno what’s worse, really. Talking XII or the last twelve Travolta films. Of course, in 2007, he’s back to square one.

30:11: The baby only drinks breast milk, but the breast milk is only in a bottle. Hey lady, it’s a lot easier if you just give it to him straight from the breast. You don’t want to have to warm up breastmilk while the baby is crying - it’s a very frazzling 20 minutes.

31:27: Baby-growing montage. Wouldn’t it be cool to have musical montages in our own lives - zip past our workdays in three minutes to Huey Lewis’ “Working for a Living,” or Dolly’s “9-5”? Speaking of which, I’ve got a mighty hankering for a cup of ambition, maybe with a coupla shots of Kahlua.

34:00: Kirstie is dating. She can’t envision any of her suitors as decent fathers. Her daydreams are recreated here on film. Wouldn’t it be cool to have our own daydreams recreated … oh never mind. There’s already enough porn in the world, thank you very much.

35:33: Travolta is back, hanging out in the lobby of her building, which I guess is perfectly natural. It’s not like Travolta had much better to do at this time in his life. Did anyone see The Experts? Oh, wait, he’s using her mail to set up residency in NYC for his grandfather. They fight and argue. He offers to baby sit - that’s exactly who I want watching my child - the guy that loiters around the mailboxes.

38:00: I wonder if Travolta was Scientologist then? Lot of good it was doing him.

40:00: Woah! Woah! He’s putting the baby seat front facing in the front seat. Definite nono. Note to potential parents: Don’t lease sporty little cars if you plan to have a baby in the next three years. With those damn rear-facing baby seats, if you’re any taller than Tom Cruise, you’ll end up driving with your chest pressed against the steering wheel. Then how sporty do you think you’ll look driving around town, huh?

41:38: Travolta has run off with the baby while Kirstie is asleep. He goes to his grandpa’s house, played by Abe Vigoda. Man alive - I hope this wasn’t his last film. What an embarrassment. Wait! What? Abe Vigoda is still alive? Get outta here.

42:26: Travolta returns with the baby; Kirstie gives him a left cross and then beats him with a broom. She gets a splinter and you know what’s coming - a splinterectomy rife with sexual tension. “It hurts!” “It doesn’t hurt.” Oh, how would you know, it’s stuck in me.” And yeah - Grandma is outside overhearing this. “I’ve never had one that big in me.”

43:48: So, the kid is kind of cute, in an ugly sort of way. They can’t all be as cute as ‘lil Pajiba.

44:21: You know, since becoming a father, damn near any movie trailer that has a parent-son element in it gets me all misty-eyed - see Martian Child and August Rush. But, Look Who’s Talking ain’t doing anything for me. Yet, the kid is so cute that I’m having a problem outright hating the movie, except when he speaks - I keep hearing the child in my head saying, “Zed’s dead, baby. Zed’s dead.”

45:02: Another Beach Boys montage, tracking the aging of the child. He’s like one now.

48:32: Kirstie’s latest date has arrived. Mikey accidentally takes off his toupee. Anti-comedy ensues - though, it’s not as unfunny as the man talking about his bowel movements over dinner. Oh, it’s a goddamn laugh riot.

50:12: Another musical interlude: “Walking on Sunshine!” If you make that a literal statement, that’s sort of what watching this movie feels like.

52:32: Man I am so tired of this movie. The cute kid only gets you so far.

53:55: Woah! A baby stroller scene to “Stayin’ Alive.” It’s so meta. And kind of a metaphor for where Travolta’s career had landed in 1989.

54:53: Epiphany: You know who liked this movie? People with toilet-paper doilies on the back of their commodes.

60:00: They’re putting Gramps in a nursing home. Mikey makes fun because he gets food in his mouth better than Vigoda. Oh, Abe. Oh, Abe.

65:03: Segal is trying to weasel back into a relationship - he’s a rich guy. Why isn’t child support an issue in this movie?

70:00: Segal comes over to Kirstie’s apartment while she’s out and reveals he’s the father. Travolta is hacked - he interrogates Segal about his knowledge of Mikey. A fight ensues. Vincent Vega would just shoot Segal in the head and we could all go home.

71:00: Travolta confronts Kirstie. “Do you love him?” “Oh, it doesn’t matter. What matters is what’s best for Mikey.” “I don’t want him to see Mikey anymore.” Weak barb. Weak rejoinder. “Get out of my house.” This apparently is what the script software called for.

73:00: OK: Travolta comes over to say goodbye to Mikey; Kirstie overhears his impassioned talk over the baby monitor, falls crazy in love with him. “Being a good father is making the mother happy so the kid doesn’t drive her crazy.” “I’ll miss you.” Oh, man - I’m gonna weep-retch - vomit out my eyelids.

77:00: And now Segal pulls out of the deal, no longer necessitating that Vincent Vega put two in his temple in front of the baby.

79:00: The nursing home calls Kirstie’s house, says he’s abusive. She comes to the home to pick him up. “They’re hiding my wife,” he yells. Crazy old bastard. He says to Kirstie, “You’re my favorite. That’s why Jimmy loves you so much.” Seriously, it looks like Vigoda was on his last legs 18 years ago. And he’s still making movies - hell, he was a voice in one of my previous real-time reviews, Farce of the Penguins. It just goes to show you can never get too old to humiliate yourself. The man could spend the next 20 years in a nursing home soiling himself and wouldn’t embarrass himself as much as this.

81:00: Kirstie talks the place into letting grandpa stay. Travolta overhears. Oh, love birds are tweeting! What I wouldn’t do for a goddamn slingshot.

82:00: We’re winding down now - how will Mikey get these two together? Oh, he hitches a ride on a food cart and ends up in the cafeteria. Kirstie and Travolta are frantic.

84:00: Oh, hell: Mikey has jumped into a car that’s being towed away. He thinks he’s driving it. “I got this driving thing knocked. No problem.” Travolta’s masterful cabbing skills come into play, as he tracks down the tow truck. Mikey is in the middle of Manhattan traffic. Travolta runs - runs - cars crash to avoid him. Safe. Whew.

86:00: Bonding moment. Mikey says, “Da da.” Out loud. In his baby voice. Travolta: “He thinks we’re going to end up together.” Big kiss. Mikey: “I hope they don’t get stuck together like that.” Finis! Jesus, that was bad. End credits feature another slew of sperm heading toward an egg - I suppose one of them is Rosie.

Don’t expect a real-time review of Look Who’s Talking, Too.

Dustin Rowles is the publisher of Pajiba. He lives with his wife and son in Ithaca, New York. You may email him, or leave a comment below.

Cinematic Meconium

Real-Time Review of Look Who's Talking / Dustin Rowles

Film | September 19, 2007 |

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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