It Ain't Whedon, But It'll Do: 'Vampire Academy' Review

true detective /hannibal / dc movies / snl / mindhole blowers / netflix / celebrity facts / marvel

It Ain't Whedon, But It'll Do: 'Vampire Academy' Review

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Film Reviews | February 7, 2014 | Comments ()


Well shit, another movie about teenaged vampires. Must be Friday.

Vampires are so overdone at this point that as Genevieve pointed out, half the time the stories don’t have the slightest requirement that the characters actually be vampires. The contagion has spread beyond any actual connection to the mythology. I’m all for mythologies evolving and expanding (I mean has anyone really identified with the vampire myth over the last century because as a metaphor for syphilis?), but there’s a difference between that and lazily stapling on the known cliché to avoid exercising originality in any form.

All that said, Vampire Academy is a very entertaining film. It openly takes potshots at Twilight, so it’s got that going for it. And it manages to shove in about half a season of television plot twists into a smooth two hours, so it doesn’t lack for ambition.

So you’ve got three different factions in the film. I won’t belabor them by looking up the spellings when you could just read the books if you really cared. There are the good vampires, the bad vampires, and the half-vampires. The good vampires don’t kill, but drink from willing hosts in order to live. They also have various magics of the elemental variety: fire, air, earth, and water. They become bad vampires if they ever kill someone. And not just in the sense of a moral label, in the sense of becoming nearly unkillable, and becoming pure psychotic killers. There’s a wonderful sad darkness layered in here, in that those who become evil choose it, because it’s a way of letting go of all the complexity and the mental agony that those with the most powerful of their magics endure. And the half-vampires are the bodyguard sorts, getting the strength but not the magic of their vampire parent, and no weakness to sunlight and such.

It’s a funny film, with a lot of heart to it, and what feels like a really well developed world that would be interesting to learn more about. And there is a lot of darkness undergirding the story, with blood as life, and the notion of magic only coming with a price. Then there’s a lot of high school type of drama that I really don’t care much about, but it takes itself seriously about such things instead of playing it as a low-rent Mean Girls. In short, it’s a great extra-long pilot for a CW show, that will never get made because they already have too many vampire teenager shows on the schedule.

Zoe Deutch stars as Rose, a half-vampire who kicks all sorts of ass. She is walking liquid snark, and a continuous delight on screen. Ever single scene she is in is elevated by a cutting charm that deserves being in many more scenes in many more movies. She has comedic timing, vicious dryness, and a goofy dorkiness that is completely endearing. I’m not going to lie, it doesn’t hurt that she’s gorgeous, has physically impossible legs, and wears a miniskirt with less cloth than a napkin for two-thirds of the movie. In short, Joss Whedon should have some people talk to her people and make something magical happen since the six dollars Vampire Academy makes at the box office won’t be enough to get a sequel.

Speaking of Whedon, he had this wonderful quote that I can’t find at the moment that came out when he was talking about Firefly and Buffy, in which he talked about irritation with people talking about his work as not being ‘serious’. That because it was often hilarious it could not at the same time be serious. Most people are confused and think serious when what they really mean is somber.

This is a serious movie in that its characters take the world they live in seriously, its dangers real, their lives real. It is not campy B-movie fare because it inhabits itself with characters who act like people who believe they are the protagonist, rather than objects to be moved around for comedic effect. But it’s definitely not a somber one.

It reminds me of a lot of Whedon’s television work, in that exact way that it simultaneously takes itself seriously and contains self-aware characters full of snark and life. It’s a sweet spot of entertainment that is wonderful fun, but is loathed and hammered by most critics, who just seem baffled by it, as if it’s an alien genre they’ve never experienced. Sure, Whedon ended up king of the world because of Avengers, but remember the long dark years before that, when he was just a failed television writer with a string of canceled cult hits?

Is it a great movie? God I hate that question. Oh, so it’s a guilty pleasure? Oh I hate that term even more. I’m never embarrassed by my pleasures, not any more than Hiddleston. That’s the act of juvenile minds too frightened of what others think to defend what they enjoy. I hate that there’s supposed to be embarrassment at a film being enjoyable for its own sake. This movie is fun. You should watch it. If not for ten bucks at the theater, then at least on Netflix in six months while you tip back a few.

Steven Lloyd Wilson is a hopeless romantic and the last scion of Norse warriors and the forbidden elder gods. His novel, ramblings, and assorted fictions coalesce at You can email him here and order his novel here.

Lego Movie, The Review: Everything is Awesome | Watch Toni Collette, Gary Oldman and Nick Frost React to an Amazing Robot that Dances Gangnam Style

Are you following Pajiba on Facebook or Twitter? Every time you do, Bill Murray crashes a wedding.

Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • wonkeythemonkey

    I'm glad I read this review. I saw the trailer on mute in front of a YouTube video, and it looked so bad that I turned to my wife and said "No. No no no no no."

    Maybe I judged too hastily. Maybe it would have made a difference if the sound had been on. My trailer-radar has been slipping lately!

  • Just came back from this, and I concur. It was a very good time, and I have not read the books. My movie companion had, and we both lamented that it was not a TV show we could watch for years, especially with Zoe Deutch in the lead. There was almost no one in the theatre, so I doubt it will get a sequel, though they set one up beautifully without belaboring it. Shame, really, because it was a lot of fun to watch, and that is a rare thing these days.

  • I am so surprised not only by this review, but that it came from you, that I think I will actually watch this. I was convinced until the last line that it was all going to be a big joke.

  • Robert Sanchez III

    I had a good feeling about this one when I saw the preview at Catching Fire, glad to know it succeeds! Got the same feeling as this movie called St. Trinians that I am not ashamed to enjoy or Fired Up which was equally good for taking themselves seriously while still being fun.

  • Even Stevens

    I've read all these books and I love them (like you and Hiddles, I have no shame about the things I enjoy). Richelle Mead is a hell of a storyteller and Rose is just a kick ass character. I also like the Russian take on vampire lore, it mixes things up a little

  • foolsage

    Huh. OK, then, I'll see it.

  • Brian Merritt

    I already planned to drink and watch this at home. Glad to hear it won't be a waste of time. Though it would never be a waste of booze.

  • YES. I have thought since I saw the first ad for this one that it looked like a fun movie, and I'm happy to have that confirmed.

  • BlackRabbit

    I'm just waiting till Mummies are the new hip monsters.

  • abell

    Is this what you're looking for?

  • Really, if Rachel Weisz can't do it, I think it's hopeless.

  • BlackRabbit

    Or the Gillman. He gets no love.

  • abell

    All I've seen for this is a monochrome verdant poster with 2 girls in prep high school uniforms name-checking the Heathers and Mean Girls with the title Vampire Academy and I immediately knew I wanted to see it. I pointed it out to my fiance who rolled her eyes at me.

    NB: I am a mid 20's male who looks and frequently acts like the poster boy for the Young Republicans.

  • Once I found out that this was Richelle Mead's YA series, I started to get my hopes up a little. She's a very funny writer who actually writes the various monsters in her books as actual monsters. Now I actually want to check it out.

  • I would have totally ignored this movie if I had not read this review. SLW, you are a gift from God and I love you.

  • foolsage

    Yeah, fair enough. It's a hell of a review.

  • emmalita

    Great review! I'm going to go see this movie, without shame. I'm going to enjoy the hell out of it. Just in case you are wrong about the likelihood of sequals, I refuse to see them without assurances that there are significant derivations from the source material.

  • The commercials obviously don't do it justice. I'd written it off, but having read this, I'm'a go see it. :)

  • emmalita

    The trailer I saw looked like campy fun.

  • Pinky McLadybits

    I've read the books and wasn't sure about the movie. NOW I MUST SEE IT.

  • Even Stevens

    Ooooh can we please do a video chat and watch it together??

  • Jenn TheYellowDart


  • Even Stevens


  • Jenn TheYellowDart


blog comments powered by Disqus