Pajiba

"Yep... It Sucks!" was all I needed to read...

"The plot oozes like toothpaste across 127 of the longest minutes you'll ever endure, punctuated with fight scenes edited into a visual miasma."

You claim not to be trying, but that line's still hilarious/perfect. I've had to stare at a poster for this every day for a month now in the subway, and this review feels like karmic payback for having to endure Leelee Sobieski undressing me listlessly with her dead, dead eyes every morning and evening. So thank you.

That stuff from Wired is fantastic. They didn't like the movie, so Uwe thinks they hate independent film, weren't smart enough to get his vision, and like to fuck their movies.

He's so well informed. In an AV Club interview he said Michael Bay got a $100m budget for his first movie and that Eli Roth is only working because he's Joe Roth's son.

So this is what Matthew Lillard's been up to.

Wait Eli Roth is Joe Roth's son? How did I not know this?

It sucks? I'm ............shocked.

buuuuuuuut, it's the Transporter, and I might have some weird "gay" (if wanting to see everything Jason Statham is in. is considered gay, that's YOUR problem... KAY?..... YOUR PROBLEM! WANNA ARM WRESTLE? AH? AH? Anybody see the game last night? TK? Verm? see the game?

Anyway I'm seeing it, you all make me sick.

Why the hell have I not heard of this movie? Judging from the review, I guess I should be happy about that fact.

Congo Jack? Is he related to Congo Bongo?

Hmmmmm, where's my ColecoVision ?

"except Lillard, who was so bad he may have given me cancer."
Note to self: never drink while reading one of Phillips reviews! Almost choked to death and my monitor got wet!
I can't say I'm surprised it sucked balls but...Jason, Ray why do you do this to us?

I'm a huge sucker for bad fantasy straight to DVD movies. I love them. I saw this commercial and it looked terrible. I can't even begin to imagine what most of the actors were thinking when they signed on to this crap. I can only imagine that Boll had them sign something in blood ...

Suckitude duly noted and fully expected. I'm seeing it anyway. Just sayin'.

I hope no one surprised that Boll's movies have gone from "Dumber than Shit" to "So Awful They Cause Cancer" to "Ending All Life As We Know It."

Someone somewhere can explain to me who exactly gives Boll money and how he's able to pay them back. Because outside the most self-effacing or self-hating of movie geeks, no one goes to see Uwe Boll's movies.

Oh and that thing with Wired News is hilarious. I love that he tells his lawyer that Wired "can't recognize genius." Imagine. So much talent and yet so humble...

After seeing the preview for this the first time, I seriously thought it was a joke. It just looked....so, so bad. Your review title pretty much sums it up.

"Funny, in Germany, where Uwe Boll is from, this movie had been marketed without even mention his name. No TV ad blaring "an Uwe Boll film"."

That's too bad...because I wish they did.

None of the Boll's trailers, teasers, or commercials from _anywhere_ will ever mention his name, and for good reason, naturally. They don't want ppl to connect the dots and correlate these terrible movies to a name, like we have. And it works. You can't decipher any how bad a Boll movie really is just from a minute trailer that's stuffed with a hundred 3 second cuts.

I'm with you, Vermillion - This?

Leelee Sobieski as a wizard/whore

Almost sucked me in, along with Jason Statham! With a sword!

But BloodRayne was sooo bad, I'm pretty sure it destroyed what was left of Michael Madsen's soul. You could see it in his eyes.

So no.

I think it's time to have an intervention for Jason Statham. I share B-slim and Smokin's love for the guy but it's getting harder and harder to continue this relationship. Here's hoping Crank 2 (and i have no idea how that will work) gets the guy out the sewer for good. I think Boll must have a 2 foot stack of scandalous photos of half of Hollywood to continue to get even B list level people in his movies. Can't wait to see who pops up in Far Cry.

I am most hurt by the presence of Jason Statham here. I feel betrayed.

If someone were to walk up to me and say, "TK, you can either have $200, or you can have 30 minutes to beat the holy bloody fuck out of Matthew Lillard, without consequence or reprimand..."

I mean, that's a genuine dilemma right there.

I'm still having trouble thinking about the cast without bursting into that kind of high-pitched, uncontrolled, spit-flying laughter that gets people committed. Kristanna Loken as a telepathic Amazon? For real?

BSlim, your are a genius. know one would have thought to reference Goodfellas.

Don't sass me!!

I was reading the "let's get this over with" paragraph, and couldn't believe the casting choices. They got weirder and weirder and just when I thought it couldn't get any weirder, you throw in Burt Reynolds. HAHAHAHHAHA! This has MST3K and a keg party written all over it.

If this movie buys Ron Perlman a car and nice vacation with his family, I'm ok with that. Uwe Boll still needs to stand trial for his crimes against cinema though.

He's our age's Ed Wood, but less interesting.

She was hardly in the films, yes?

I must concur. She was barely a blip in the whole shebang. She had like, what, a horse chase and a dream sequence? Now as far as her work outside of that, I can't say she has been as ubiquitous or annoying as the current Skank Cancer.

Plus, as I am a huge supporter of actual or even implied HLA in all forms of media, I cannot in good conscience demean the humongous contribution to the movement that she and Alicia Silverstone made via the "Crazy" video. It is simply not good cricket.

I knew this movie couldn't be good. I mean, my MOM pointed out what horrible actors the people were. This is the same woman who couldn't understand why I thought Charlie's Angels 2 was stupid or why no one liked Ghost Rider.

My god. I usually have some hope for directors; that they can maybe, maybe, produce a movie that's really good after loads of bombs or average movies. Uwe Boll is not one of those people. I actually want to physically hurt the man. This isn't cinema, this is defecating on celluloid.

"Lady Hawke" with Michelle Pfeiffer. But I haven't seen that one in years, so there's a good chance it's not actually as good as I remember.

Posted by: KatyBelle at January 12, 2008 9:50 PM
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Saw it recently, it is as good as you remember, it is in fact, better.

Thanks BS!! I've not seen Lady Hawke since I was about 12, so I'm definitely going to go rent it now.

Hey Mr. Awes, It's the Pajiba drinking game, not the Pajiba crack smoking game. Baby on what are you tripping? I agree that there is "definitely something to be said for. . .work[ing] exclusively in the medium of video-game adaptations" but what needs to be said is that he should quit doing so. Herr Boll is an "otter" in the "truest sense" only in that he otter quit pursuing his delusion that he can direct a movie. He keeps foisting his cinematic inadequacies on a public that is not even informed that he was the "auteur" of such indefensible pustulence.

You lie sir, despite your disclaimer. You did make up that cast. There's no way that's for real. I somehow manage to avoid all talk of Uwe Boll movies except on Pajiba, and I'm happy to keep it that way.

What has always confused me is how he gets these actors to appear in his movies. I mean, they can't live in a vacuum...they have to know the stigma of a Uwe Boll movie. Nobody can need work that badly, can they? Do they know something we don't, or think they know something we don't?

I'm of the opinion that Uwe Boll movies aren't even worth the time spent illegally downloading them. They're too sad to even make fun of...it's embarrassing to laugh when the Down syndrome kid has trouble saying hello to you. I just find it safer to ignore and avoid altogether...pretend he doesn't exist, and the people he somehow compels to help his travesty of a career were improperly cloned substitutes that were immediately put to death after the movie was made.

For reasons that shall remain nameless,

I forced my cabin mates to watch Cannonball Run this weekend. And we were just wondering whether Burt Reynolds was still alive -- and here he is! Truly, the mind reels when contemplating this atrocious cast list. Although I suspect that not even this Boll bowel movement could compare to the craptacular mess of the Cannonball Run.

Hold on a second, Rudy. Did you read the second half of my comment. I didn't say I like Uwe because he makes good movies, I said I like him because he's out of his fucking mind. He totally believes in all of his shitty movies. I mean, you can say he's a hack, you can say he's a complete moron, but you can't say he's not dedicated.

Jerce - I [heart] SLC Punk so much that in my book - and despite plentiful evidence to the contrary - Matthew Lillard can do no wrong.

I deal with this by not seeing anything else that Lillard is in, ever. I don't think my psyche could take the shock.

Uwe Boll must have the most dedicated army of yes-men/buttkissers in Hollywood, because despite his pathetic box office record and the near universal disdain for his movies by most major film critics, this guy still believes his movies are genius.

Either that, or he must make his movies so bad on purpose, as if he's trying to say through these bad films that our love for video games is misguided. Perhaps he's just showing us the oftentimes ridiculous nature of the plots and game play associated even the best of our video games, and is attempting to expose these pervasive traits by showing us what they look like when we have to watch them with no control over the action. Maybe he hopes these movies will effect a radical change in the video game world that will force game-makers to infuse their creations with deeper, more serious plots & characters and increasingly innovative & mature game play mechanics, thereby elevating video games from mere entertainment programs with no higher function than to elicit a momentary escape from reality before being sold back to the nearest strip-mall game dealer for store credit towards the next piece of over-hyped brain candy into the beginnings of an actual art form. In other words, perhaps Uwe Boll simply wants video games to grow up.

Nah... This is giving him WAY too much credit. He's just a douche!