00:35: We open on a shot of the Earth and the narrator, who sounds like Penn Jillette, saying: “Earth. It is a tiny blue sphere in the achy black depths of space. Vulnerable and alone.” We are told that three shape-shifters are sent to Earth to save it from extraterrestrials. The aliens take the shape of three “gorgeous human females. Because really hot chicks have it easy.” Is that a nod to Earth Girls are Easy? There’s no way an Anna Nicole movie could be that smart.
01:23: When they aren’t busy saving the Earth from evil aliens, the three shape-shifters live and work in Los Angeles. “They are Earth’s last line of defense. They are the illegal aliens.” The Charlie’s Angels “parody” begins.
02:44: Very bad Star Wars-type music plays over the credits, as one of the shape shifters (form of … pig) looks to be headed toward Earth, squealing, “Woo hoo — I’m a pig in space.” The special effects look like something I could’ve created with my old TRS-80.
03:36: They’ve landed in New York City, in 1987. In an alley. The first place they go, naturally, is a bar.
05:54: One of the females is Anna Nicole, looking decidedly better than she does today. I’ve never seen either of the other two girls, but I’m guessing adult movie fans might be familiar. The three girls character names are Lucy, Cameron, and Drew — ah ha! The actresses from Charlie’s Angels. Goddamn, that’s genius — Sharon Stone-level genius. Cameron is played by Lenise Sorén, whom you may recall from Nikos or, as it was called in Germany, Violent Shit 4. I’m not even kidding. Drew is played by Gladys Jimenez, possibly familiar to you from “Tremors,” the Sci-Fi television show spun off from the movie. If you know her from that, you have entirely too much time on your hands.
07:00: One of the guys in the bar is going on and on about how hot the girls are, telling them they belong in Hollywood. One thrusts his hips, like he’s about to gang-rape an ottoman. The other runs his hands over Anna Nicole’s chest and says, “Gentlemen prefer blondes.” Anna Nicole bursts into high-pitched laughter. It pierces my eardrums.
07:51: Now they are in Hollywood. The music is familiar porn-synth — funny, I didn’t notice Stewart Copeland scoring this film.
08:20: Oh gawd — it’s so freakin’ meta. The three alien girls are in their Hollywood apartment, watching a television show about Anna Nicole. Oh — it’s the Anna Nicole reality show. And it’s actually the alien that plays Anna Nicole, i.e., Anna Nicole in real life is an alien played by this fictional Anna Nicole from Illegal Aliens. Damn — it’s too much for my head to wrap around. However, it does introduce the first anachronism: They are in 1987. But alien Anna Nicole is playing the real Anna Nicole in her reality show, which was only a few years ago.
09:38: Now it’s three years later, and we’re in NYC. A pink alien inhabits the body of a woman walking the street. She looks like a porn star. After the alien inhabits her, she massages her breasts, which produce a water-sloshing sound. If you put a seashell to your ear, you can hear this woman’s breasts. She’s suddenly … Wait — she looks familiar. Is that the wrestler chick that was on The Surreal Life? Damn — it totally is. Joanie Laurer, otherwise known as Chyna. Her character’s name is Rex.
10:30: Rex walks into the same bar as before and announces that she’s taking charge now. “You’re working for me now,” she says in a weird voice. Tony says, “Did I hear you say, I’m working for you now?” all sarcastically. The entire bar bursts into laughter. Tony apparently can’t figure out how to button his shirt to the top. “Why don’t you go get your nails done,” he says, throwing money at her. She shoots him in the chest. “Now, are there any more questions?” Her voice is something akin to a woman on painkillers, Quaaludes, and Red Bull all at once.
13:30: Her new “business model” involves stealing boxes labeled “top secret” (always the best way to keep things secret) and blowing up random cars.
15:04: Back in Hollywood, Anna Nicole tells her alien roommates, “I’m going to the grocery store. You like my body.” It’s one of the more coherent lines of dialogue thus far.
16:00: The alien’s creator, Syntax, speaks to them through a hologram computer. He’s the movie’s “Charlie.” He says, “Hello girls.” Two of the women say, “Hi Syntax.” Anna Nicole: “Hello Charlie … I mean Syntax.”
16:58: Syntax tells the girls that he’s noticed a lot of suspicious activity … a pattern of theft in which someone is stealing all the necessary components to build a “megagravitron.” He can’t tell the girls who is doing it, but he can tell them where the next crime will take place: The Globex research facility in New York City.
18:05: So, despite the ability to take on the shape of pigs that can fly through space, the girls jump on a commercial airline and travel to NYC. I cannot believe it’s only been 18 minutes so far. If y’all wanna bail now, I’d totally understand. But you will miss the suppositories.
18:51: Brilliant — in order to capture that authentic 1987 feel in NYC, the director has a shot of a period-appropriate taxi cab driving down a Manhattan street. What’s funny, however, is that the cab is driving past modern-era cabs.
19:32: Rex: “Soon. Very soon. I will complete my megagravitron and the world will tremble at my feet. Mwah ha ha ha.” I’m actually starting to hyperventilate a little. One of the guys with her laughs along. “Are you the one building the megagravitron?” she asks. “No.” “Well, you don’t get to laugh,” she says, then shoots him in the stomach.
21:34: I have to admit, I don’t know much about Anna Nicole — I managed to avoid her as much as possible. Here, she’s putting on this ridiculously dumb blonde voice, and honestly, I can’t tell if it’s real or if it’s actually hers. Either way, the girls were conducting the stakeout of Globex, right? Anna Nicole was asleep, and then she wakes up and says to one of the girls, “I had the weirdest dream. You were dating Justin Timberlake.” It’s 1987. I figure Justin was, what, three years old then? She also dreamed that she was Chinese. “And I don’t even like rice.” She then finds a vibrator in the couch. She pets it and says, “Awww. Pretty kitty.” Then uses it as a Q-tip to clean out her ear. Then as a light saber.
22:04: Fucking hell — they have cell phones! It’s 1987.
24:02: Anna Nicole turns on the vibrator. A building explodes. Rex does the mad scientist laugh again (badly), and then eyes her getaway car, calls it a piece of shit, then shoots the guy that she just shot in the stomach. Again. I think it’s going to be the film’s running gag. And speaking of gags, I’ve may have to tickle the back of my brain after this and retch the residue settling between the folds of gray matter.
25:03: Anna Nicole takes the shape of an ’80s Trans-am, so that the other two girls can get in her and chase down Rex. One of the girls is tickling the back seat; the Trans-am laughs.
26:00: High speed chase. Rex: “How about some good old fashioned ROID RAGE.” Cameron: “Pull over now.” Rex flips her car. Anna turns back into herself and then tells the girls, “Get off me.” A footrace ensues.
28:28: Showdown — the girls used to know Rex. They locked her up in prison for life on a planet that’s impossible to spell.
29:45: Oh I hurt. I hurt. A man shows up, gun in tow. “Freeze!” Who is he? An INS Agent, of course, who is in search of illegal aliens “taking our jobs.” Anna Nicole punches him out. In the fracas, Rex flees. She steals a bus. The alien girls steal another bus. Anna Nicole: “Can we go for a ride. Wheeeee! Bumper cars. (crash) Sorrreeeey car.”
There is absolutely no excuse for this movie.
32:45: So, the two buses are chasing one another. And I have no freakin’ idea how it happened, but the INS agent that Anna Nicole knocked out before chasing the Rex bus is now inside Rex’s bus, pointing a gun and screaming at her. “Pull. This. Bus. Over … I have a … speech impediment.” That’s a direct quote, folks.
33:00: The INS Agent is struggling with Rex. For no apparent reason, he yells, “Camel tooooeee.” Rex runs her bus into a U.S. post office, which appears to consist entirely of a large sheet of glass. I suppose it’s all they could afford to smash.
34:00: A train crashes into Rex’s bus. Anna: “Can we go home now?”
34:59: I’m weeping battery acid. Anna has to pee. “To pee, or not to pee. That is the question … I think I’ll pee.” Here we go: Very loud, audible urination for 39 seconds. Then a fart. Seventeen more seconds of peeing. Fart. Sixteen more seconds of urination. A fart to the tune of Dixie. Oh gawd — melodic flatulating. Fart. Fart. Fart. Louder fart. 32 more seconds of bowel movement noises, followed by Anna yelling out, “The toilet’s full. What do I do now?” You’ve finally managed it, Anna Nicole — you’ve actually desecrated your own memory.
38:00: I just have to point this out — a site called Collider.com offers this blurb: “If laughter is the best medicine, then Illegal Aliens might be capable of killing children and small animals.”
38:23: Back in NYC, Rex is using a vice grip to inflict pain on herself. The bones of her hand crunch. “God. It hurts so good! God, I love it! … One of you guys have a cigarette?”
39:02: Syntax is telling the girls that it is important to stop Rex from getting her hands on a Colliding Sinkatron. There’s only one in the world, in the possession of Max Sperling.
40:06: Cameron asks Syntax to look up someone for her: Howie Feltersnatch. Groan, groan, triple groan. [Editor’s note: I can take no more. If there are typos after this point, you’ll just have to deal with them.]
44:05: They go to Sperling’s home. Lucy has the hiccups. Drew tells her, “Try holding your breath, honey.” Oh — I don’t even have the energy to tell you what happens next, but the hiccups don’t go away. So, she screams loudly, “cause I wanted to scare myself.”
46:05: So, they’re looking for Sperling. They’re walking around a barn, which is full of hay and all that stuff barns have in them. Then, they walk into the adjoining room, which is a modern kitchen. In a barn. Oy fucking vey. Well, the kitchen has microwave. Cameron sees it, “Oh my god, there is a fork in the microwave.” They run out. The barn explodes. Did anyone know that you could blow up a barn by sticking a fork in the microwave?
47:14: Syntax notifies the girls that Rex has captured Sperling and they are headed toward the freeway. Cameron and Drew convince Anna Nicole to transform into a helicopter, because it will get rid of her hiccups. Are you hearing me out there? Anna Nicole is morphing into a helicopter to get rid of her hiccups.
49:47: Anna Nicole turns into a military helicopter. She’s shooting rocket missiles at the army van that Rex is driving. The girls save Max, but the Colliding Sinkatron explodes in the fieriest explosion you could imagine created from an MS Paint program.
51:46: All right — I had to take a break there, for a good hour and a half to recuperate. I got some tissue, cleaned off the brain that had leaked from my ear onto my shoulder, and got a few beers. I’m actually midway through my third now. We’ll see if Illegal Aliens improves with alcohol.
52:54: Okay, so the guy that Rex shot twice — once in the stomach, once in the chest — well, Lucy/Helicopter shot him 17 times. Right now, he’s gloating. Fuck it, here’s the scene:
54:24: It’s now the day after I began real-time reviewing Illegal Aliens. The combination of Coors and Anna Nicole was simply too much to deal with in one sitting. So, I’m sober again. Goddamnit, I’m motherfucking sober again. It’s just not fair.
55:03: So, this Max guy is a dildo. Seriously, he looks like the love child of Clark Kent and an actual dildo. The only reason to cast a guy this aesthetically displeasing in a role like this is if his penis is 14 inches and he can mimic the sounds of a jackhammer. I wonder if this suggests that Illegal Aliens is about to go into adult film territory? At the moment, Cameron and Drew are trying to grab his attention; Cameron is working on a car. You put a human dildo and a large-chested, stomach-baring chick in a garage, and a pizza delivery boy is only seconds away, right?
56:42: Max and Cameron are on a date. Cameron is explaining that, on her planet, they don’t eat. They just lie in a pile of organic minerals, excrete slime, and absorb the nutrients. I understand that’s how Ricki Lake lost all that weight.
58:07: Rex just beat Drew over the head with a wrench, while she was working on a car. No pizza delivery boy. Now, Rex is taking the wrench to Syntax. While the set pieces aren’t period appropriate, the special effects certainly are — the destruction of the computer looked like something out of 1987 John Hughes film. Blue lightning, etc. You know those karaoke videos you make at the county fair? Yeah — the special effects are similar.
61:10: Rex also kidnapped Lucy and Max, though that particular scene was apparently deleted — they’re tied up in chairs, though there is no explanation of how they got that way. Now, Anna is breaking character and talking to the director of the movie. The director says, “Cue fart.” Anna’s incredulous response: “Untie me. I’ll do anything for a laugh, but this doesn’t make sense. You didn’t show me getting kidnapped (that explains it!) … was my kidnapping not important? Who do I have to screw to get off this movie.” Max, who is tied to her in the chair, breaks free and raises his hand. Ha. Ha. Fucking ha.
61:53: Take two. This time, Anna farts on command. And laughs. “I farted,” she giggles. “Did you smell it?” I’m never going to make it to the end of this film.
63:00: Rex is now explaining why she needs to create the megagravitron - to drag the moon into the Earth, thereby obliterating both planets (the moon is not a planet, you dumb shit), so that the inhabitants of her planet can move to Earth (but wait? Won’t it be “obliterated?”)
64:48: Rex explains to Anna Nicole that she’s going to force her to morph into the Colliding Sinkatron, so that the Megagravitron will work. She will force them to do this with … I can’t believe I’m about to type this:
Giant mind-control suppositories.
I shit you not.
66:07: OK, now Lucy and Max have been transported to Rex’s evil island, which is disguised as a liquid cheese factory. Max and Lucy walk with a limp. On account of the suppositories, see?
69:09: The megagravitron is working. The moon is moving toward the Earth. Cameron and Drew are working on the Syntax computer, while Syntax is simulating sex noises.
It’s a great day to be alive.
71:01: Syntax is back up. He says, “Shit. I sound like Cary Grant now.” I want to pour scalding hot coffee into the pupils of anyone involved with this film just for mentioning his name in the same film that Anna Nicole took mind-control suppositories.
72:52: Rex has just realized that, if the moon hits the Earth, she’s going to die, too. She’s nonplussed.
74:00: The moon is drifting slowly toward the Earth. Cameron and Drew arrive in a helicopter. Rex is speaking an alien language in a walkie-talkie, which sounds like she’s h0cking a loogey and polishing a knob simultaneously. She’s notified some other aliens to attack Cameron and Drew. The Aliens are … umm … stop-motion clay spiders.
76:13: The INS Agent suddenly arrives and blows up the arachnid aliens. “Take those mother buggers out … let’s go kick some spidey butt … we’re shutting this website down.” I just threw up in my mouth a little just so that I could experience a sensation more pleasurable than watching Illegal Aliens.
79:50: The doofus who has been shot 17 times and claims to be J.C.’s henchman has decided he wants to save the world (Dan — if this guy gets his own movie, maybe you can discuss it in the next Jesus, Etc.). Meanwhile, Drew approaches a security guard; she’s about to punch him out, when he says, “Sorry lady. I’d love to fight you. But it’s the end of my shift.” Looney Tunes humor — actually, that never gets old.
81:23: Max just yelled, “The horror. The horror,” for absolutely no reason. You know what I could use right now? A giant suppository that erases my memory.
83:32: Someone dislodged the mind-control suppository from Anna’s ass. She says, “No one sticks a rocket in my butt.” Now, she’s wailing on Rex. Drew and Cameron, who have come to the rescue in skimpy two-piece outfits, have decided to run. No real reason — they just thought it’d be fun to run. And run. And run.
85:54: Someone stopped the moon from hurtling toward the Earth. Fireworks explode behind the Statue of Liberty. The President declares that he’s considering changing his illegal alien policy.
86:00: Meanwhile, the girls are still beating the shit out of each other; two of the other actors have decided not to wait until the film is over to start the gag reel. Lucy and Cameron throw Rex into the megagravitron. Rex dies in the fiery explosion — while farting. Well, of course. Instead of paying for the explosion, however, the director has spliced in stock footage of actual nuclear explosions.
89:00: The final scene is just too much to … I can’t explain it. It’s … unreal. I’m sorry. You’ll just have to rent it to see it.
And here, just so you know two minutes and 19 seconds of my pain, this is the Illegal Aliens trailer. You can now put faces to the excruciating misery.
Dustin Rowles is the publisher of Pajiba. He lives with his wife in Ithaca, New York. You may email him, or leave a comment below.
Real-Time Review of Illegal Aliens / Dustin Rowles
Film | May 17, 2007 | Comments ()